Do People with RBF Need the Most Love?

In this episode Candice and Clare talk about Resting "B" Face—yes, RBF—and why the people who seem the most unapproachable might actually need the most love. With personal stories, gospel insights, and plenty of laughs, they explore how appearances can be deceiving and how we can choose to see others the way Christ does. Whether you're the one with RBF or you've been intimidated by someone who has it, this episode is a warm reminder to lead with love.

Transcript

Clare: Welcome to Sisters with Latter-Day Voices. I’m Clare.

Candice: And I’m Candice, and today—just bear with me—we’re going to be talking about why people with RBF might need the most love.

Clare: And what is RBF?

Candice: Okay, so if anyone needs to know what RBF is, Riss can explain it really well because she’s been accused of it her whole life. It stands for—if anyone doesn’t know, I was surprised—we recently had dinner with some friends and they didn’t know what it meant either. I was like, “Oh, RBF.”

Clare: How does no one know what that means?

Candice: Seriously! It stands for Resting B*** Face.* And yes, the B stands for what you think it does. I’ve really only heard the term used jokingly. Like, my husband jokes that he has RBF because he tends to have a very serious look on his face.

Clare: I was born with it. It’s not my fault!

Candice: I know, I know—it’s not your fault.

Clare: It’s just genetics.

Candice: With Kayle, he’s just a major introvert. He doesn’t like large crowds, and I think when he’s uncomfortable it just comes across as him being really serious. You just have to know him well. But I remember in high school—this happened with more than one person—several people told me, “I think your sister doesn’t like me. She just looks really mad around me.” I was like, “No, that’s just her face.”

Clare: It’s just the way I was born!

Candice: Like, if you just talk to her, then you’ll realize she’s not mad.

Clare: Greg—my father-in-law—does this all the time. He’s like, “Are you mad?” And I’m like, “It’s just my face, Greg!” I look at myself in the mirror and I’m not smiling. I look at my lips and I start judging my face—they go down. So I practice this fake smile in the mirror, and if I do it, then it looks like I’m happy. But I have to constantly be doing it!

Candice: That’s so funny.

Clare: If I don’t do it, then it really does look like I have RBF—bad.

Candice: You know what’s funny? I was listening to another podcast called The Book Pile—it’s a great podcast, by the way, for anyone listening. It’s two comedians talking about books. One of them said he had to force himself to watch video of himself because people said he looked crazy or like a psychopath. He realized he had deep-set eyes and his eyebrows naturally went down. So now, when he goes on stage, he lifts his eyebrows and tries to smile a little so he doesn’t look angry or creepy.

Clare: I’m going to say it’s for a reason—and that’s why I need Botox. People accuse me of RBF!

Candice: So funny. Okay, we’re joking around, but I actually think this is a real thing—some people put out a not-so-friendly vibe, and it can be easy to take offense or feel too intimidated to interact with them. But sometimes, those are the people who actually need us to interact with them.

It might just be like you—you’re not mad, it’s just your face. Or maybe someone’s uncomfortable, or they’re going through something. If you’re in the middle of a trial, it’s a lot harder to be cheerful and chatty. Sometimes you’re just doing your best to show up.

I have two examples of this—where maybe I misjudged someone. Let me know if you’ve ever had something similar happen.

The first is my next-door neighbor. They’re not members of our church. He has tattoo sleeves, used to have gauges in his ears, and honestly can look a little intimidating—but he is so friendly. The wife, though—she can look very severe. She has dark black hair, and she just looks very serious. I remember feeling intimidated to talk to her.

One Christmas, my daughters helped me make sugar cookies to deliver to neighbors. They didn’t look cute—the kids decorated them, so it was a mess—but I said, “You know what? Let’s deliver them anyway.” I brought them some cookies and said, “Hey, we’re your neighbors. These are from my kids.” And they were so thankful. I could tell it meant a lot that someone brought them cookies.

After that, we slowly started chatting more in the driveway. The husband is very open and chatty, but the wife is more reserved. Once I started talking to her, I realized her demeanor changes. She’s actually really nice! She loves animals, and her front porch is always super cute. But I’ve had other neighbors ask the same thing—“Is she okay? Is she nice?” They were intimidated, too. But I think she’s just a major introvert. Sometimes when she’s walking her dog, she doesn’t want to talk. But once you engage with her, she’s great.

Another time, in Relief Society, there was a woman who always looked severe and acted kind of cold. I assumed she was just judging all of us. She had a harsh vibe—not just in looks but in attitude. But then I learned she had gone through some really rough things. And I realized, if you’re struggling, you might not have the energy to be cheerful and bubbly.

Clare: Mhm.

Candice: And it made me think—sometimes the most intimidating people to approach are the ones who actually need love the most. It’s easy to talk to someone who’s smiling and welcoming. But some people show up to church or Relief Society just hoping it’ll help them feel better—and socializing might be really hard for them.

Clare: Yeah.

Candice: Have you ever had experiences like that with women you’ve known?

Clare: This isn’t really my story to share, and we can cut it if needed—but we had ward conferences last Sunday, and the bishop shared a really cool story.

He said his dad had struggled with some things and went to prison for a little while. They were rebuilding that relationship. The bishop, his wife, their two kids, and his dad—who had recently gotten out—were all fishing at a pond.

Two guys walked up—kind of rough looking. The bishop said they didn’t look very friendly. He was thinking, “Okay, could I take one of them if I needed to? Could my dad take the other?” He was gauging the situation. Then his dad looked up and said, “Hey, gentlemen! How’s your evening?”

That one sentence changed everything. The guys relaxed. They were polite. They chatted for a bit, and it was fine.

The bishop said his dad always saw the best in people. He always believed everyone was a child of God. He didn’t see roughness or harshness—he just saw someone to love.

Candice: Mhm. I love that story. We hear it all the time—don’t judge; we don’t know what people are going through—but it’s easier to comfort someone who’s openly sad than someone who seems angry or standoffish.

But both types of people need love.

Not everyone gets sad the same way—some people build walls, some get angry, some act abrasive. Maybe they’re just trying to survive. And maybe what they really need is someone to show them love again and again. Someone who keeps saying hi. Who’s kind, even when it’s awkward.

Clare: Yeah. And you might never know, but maybe you’re the one person they needed that day.

Candice: Yeah. I think I need to work on that more. It’s easy to talk to people who aren’t intimidating, but I want to stretch myself and reach out more.

Clare: It’s true.

Candice: Even as an extrovert who loves people, I can still feel uncomfortable socially. And some people feel that way all the time and are doing their best. In the scriptures, Jesus said, “They that are whole need not a physician, but they that are sick.”

So maybe we need to show a little extra love to the prickly ones.

Clare: Little prickly.

Candice: People who don’t look like they need love might not be getting enough of it—because they’re intimidating. But perfect love casteth out fear, and it’ll help us love more boldly.

Clare: For all the people like us who struggle with RBF...

Candice: We...

Clare: ...are going to start—

Candice: —a nice outreach group?

Clare: Yes! There’s probably a Facebook group already.

Candice: Be the first to join.

Clare: Who else suffers from RBF?

Candice: Anyway, all I really wanted to say is—look out for people. Be patient with people.

Clare: Well, if we’re all brothers and sisters, then... maybe someone in heaven has RBF?

Candice: Somebody passed it down!

Clare: Exactly! Look through our pioneer ancestor photos—none of them are smiling.

Candice: So who gave this to me?

Clare: Who was the one?

Candice: Oh, that’s funny.

Anyway—it can be intimidating to approach someone who’s rough around the edges. But maybe they need more love than they’re getting. Don’t let their face scare you away.

Clare: I think that’s great.

Candice: Okay. With that, we hope you know—God loves you.