My B-Day Heroic Dose Journey

This episode goes into my recent heroic dose I did and what I saw and the messages I received 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi everyone, welcome back to my podcast, season two, episode 17. So I've been wanting to record this for a minute, but life has just been lifing, and so I haven't been able to um get on here, but I wanted to uh go over my heroic dose that I did for my birthday. So I booked this cabin, and it's gonna be a little bit of a backstory, but this is important because this comes up um during my journey. So I had booked this cabin like literally in the beginning of the year. So I knew way beforehand I was gonna do a heroic dose. Like I already knew I was gonna do it, and I've done done them before, if you listen to my previous episodes, so this like isn't anything new to me. Like I know what I'm about to do. So uh I had booked this cabin. So the day of I'm supposed to go on my trip, right? Um, my friend was coming with me. Now, originally, when I originally booked this trip, I was going to do it alone. Because if you have listened to my other episodes, you know that I love spending quality time with myself. It is so peaceful. Cause you be it. It's just like but I'm I'm trying to break my own habits and sh and like not spending so much time like in my own bubble. Like I'm trying to like spend time with more other people, do more things, get out the house, different things like that. So um the day of she goes, like, oh hey, I have to stay at work a little bit longer, unfortunately. Like you can leave without me, or you know, I um and I can like meet you there or like whatever. But I was thinking, oh, well, I could leave, but then I'd be just like, um, how should I put this? Then I wouldn't be breaking my own habits, right? Because the whole point was for us is like for me to allow her to come on the strip with me and like just like spend time in like in the woods and just hang out together. And I was also thinking too, like, the only thing I'm gonna do up there, like if I leave earlier, is do the same thing I'm gonna do when we get there. Like I'm just gonna be literally had no plans. The only plan that I had, and I booked it from Thursday to Sunday, the only plan that I had for one day, and it was gonna be the day I went up there, is that night I was gonna do my heroic dose because usually when I do like a heroic dose, I have to like I'm completely warped the next day. So there's nothing that I can physically do. So I was just like, okay, that's the only thing I'm gonna do. So I don't need to be like in a rush to do that. So I can just wait for you. Boom. So I wait for her, wait for her, pick her up, boom, boom, boom. We are on the road. We are on the road for like 30 minutes, and I'm on I'm on the highway, parkway, whatever, and my my car completely shuts off. Now, like a little light did come on, um, the battery light, and I'm and I'm like I Googled it and I looked up, I was like, Okay, well, I don't really think it's that big a deal. Um, I really don't be thinking sometimes, so I just be kind of going with it. So that is why I'm because it turns out it was like an alternator, but that's why my car completely shut off. So my car completely shuts off. And I'm like, dude, like my car is off. And she's like, Okay, well, let's just like figure out how to get to the side. So we calmly like, because I still had power, you know, a little bit of power than I had, so still on the gas because we were going like 60. And so we ended up like in this McDonald's parking lot. We were in this parking lot for like four hours because I called triple A, they came, but then the guy was like, I charge your battery twice, it's not gonna work. Like, you need to get this towed. So then had to, so that guy left, and then for the next guy to come, literally took like two hours for that guy to come, and we're just hanging out at McDonald's. I'm getting irritated, and this whole time, and we're trying to figure out okay, well, like, because I had already had this cabin, I already booked, and I'm already missing time on it because I'm stuck here with this dealing with this car issue. And so she get so she's like, Well, we could rent a like you can rent a car, you can do all these different options, we can figure it out. We can rent a car now, then we can like when this gets done, we can go up there, like all these things. I'm just thinking, like, I need to figure this out. And so she was like, Oh, well, we could just like go to my parents' house and use my brother's car, because then it's only like an hour and 40-something minutes away. Like, it's not that big a deal. And I was also thinking, too, I'd already spent money on this, like, money on this Airbnb. Look, I don't want to keep spending money. So I was thinking, okay, well, you know what? That seems like the like the least painful thing that we can do. So let's do that. But but her parents are like an hour away, so we still had to get there. And I'm thinking, uh, okay. I we could have took the train, but honestly, that morning it was like 90-something degrees. I was like, bro, I'll just like call an Uber and we can just Uber there, but we can take the train back. So that was our compromise. So in the morning, we get up, and mind you, I had ordered these chocolates, okay, from this place that I found through this like Patreon group I used to be in. So I and they actually, so what ended up happening was like the mail guy was like taking so long to deliver these things, and I'm like, Brown's gonna eat it. I already have like a backup plan, so I'm not gonna worry about it. So we ended up because we couldn't get there, when I came back, I ended up getting these chocolates, and they index actually ended up sending me an extra chocolate bar, which I thought was cute. Um, so I was very grateful for that. So uh, so I was able to get these chocolate bars next morning. Boom, boom, boom, we take her to Uber to her parents' house, get her brother's car, and we're on our way. Okay, done with that. Let's get to this trip. Because I had to tell you that part because that comes up during my trip or during my journey, whatever you want to call it. So I take these bars now. I'm not gonna hold you. I probably did because I was just like, so in each little triangle bar is like five grams, okay. I probably took like four or five of those. Now, again, my friend was looking at me like I had lost my mind. Uh, because she was just like, girl, you don't need all that. I'm thinking, I was already planning on doing this. What's the first second happen? I'm in I'm literally in the middle of the woods. Like, I've done mushrooms like so many times now, and I've done her doses before where like I'm not really like worried about what's gonna happen. Intention set and setting, right? So we're talking about this movie. We had just finished watching um, I believe it was oh, set um send help or something like that with with Rachel McAdams. So we're talking about that and she's talking. And as she's talking, my like my head just feels like it's like throbbing and it's expanding. That's the best way I can describe it. And I'm looking at her thinking, like, okay, I'm listening to you, but like I'm about to be like gone in a second, but like I'm locked in, but great, but but um thank God she was just like, all right, because she had to her little one too, like she was just a little piece, and she was like, All right, I'm going upstairs, I'm chilling. I was like, cool. So I start like really feeling it, and I go outside to this, like um to this porch area that's like uh closed in and was out there, and I'm starting to feel it, but nothing too much, and I'm yawning a lot. So uh usually what that means is the energy in my body is rising, and my body needs to adjust to it. Like the vibrations are rising. So usually when that happens, it's like you you need that energy level to kind of like balance itself out so you can get where you're trying to go. And that's happened to me so many times now where I'm kind of used to it. So that was happening for like a while, okay. So I'm doing that, I'm doing that. I'm listening to I'm like listening to the trees, watching like nature move. It is the most gorgeous thing in the world. But then I start to feel like I need to like lay down because I feel like I feel myself like feeling a little off. So I go to lay down, and that's that's when things really start hitting, okay. So um I'm just gonna talk how I would normally tell a person who has done mushrooms or ayahuasca because I don't really know how to filter this. So um I was getting these t like these telepathic messages, okay. So I was told that my my car had been removed because I was too tied to it. Like I was so tied to this idea of like being misindependent on my own in my bubble. Uh and that was basically like a um, it was just like something it was like an object in my life that was holding me back. There we go. My car was an object in my life that was holding me back. And so they had said, we had to remove your car so that to put you in a position, so that you'd be put in a position that you would have to ask for help and you wouldn't just be able to just to do something on your own or like figure it out. Like you had to work with someone to figure it out because sure I could have got a rental, I could have done a million different things, but like I didn't know how much my car was gonna cost. I already spent like over a thousand dollars on this on this Airbnb, like I like paying for it, like it was just a lot, right? So they would say they put put me in a position to where I would ask ask what they had put me in a position where I would have have to ask for help, and that's why my friend was there. So even when I reflected on leaving her and me coming to the conclusion that, like, you know what, I'm gonna wait, end up working out because she was there with me. I wasn't by myself. Plus, if I would have just been there by myself, then you know, she probably would have been on the road there, or like, well, she probably wouldn't have because she would have checked in with me, but you know what I mean. Like, she was with me um through me kind of going through all of that and even taking, you know, the Uber to her parents' house. So she was with me this whole process, so I wasn't alone being frustrated with my own stuff, and also too, we were able to kind of like brainstorm together on how we're gonna get up there, which I kind of got, um, because yes, like I love my little car, it's like a little scion IQ, it's like it's it's all paid off, like it's the cutest thing in the world. And yes, I'm very tied to it. Like when I think of like going to the grocery store, just like going for hikes, like I could like I don't need anyone, I get to do whatever I want. So they said they took it away from me to have to rely on someone else. So then I got this other message that like I need to I need to let other people in. And this is so when we get to this point, like I was hysterically crying because like I had already heard that before from the guy that I had a dream, um, a dream about that I talk about in other my other episode, or maybe my painting episode, and he was even killing me because I was telling him things that I had been doing, like with my content and all that, and even my podcast, because I don't really tell a lot of people because it's just like this is something that I'm building, and I don't want people to feel like they have to listen to it. It's just like if people who gravitate towards it and they come across it and it hits them and it connects with them, I think that is amazing. Uh but again, it's just something that I'm just like, I don't really feel like I need to tell everybody, like it's just something that I do. And he was saying, like, why are you keeping that to yourself? And I go, I don't really know, I just don't really think it's like important to tell people. And he was like, But it is because it's something you're passionate about, something that you're doing, and you need to share that with people, like you need to let people in. So I already heard that from him like a week or two before. And so now I'm getting this message saying that like you need to let people in. And then I brought up my mom. So my mom, my biological mom, um, she had recently reached out to me and said, like, hey, whatever you're ready, I would like like to meet and like have dinner or something, you know. And I told her I'd be back home in like a couple weeks and we could like do something. And I had told, I think I had told like one or two people that that had happened to me. And they were like, What are you gonna do? And I was like, Well, you know, like I don't really see the reason not because since my brother has passed, you know, and her finding him, you know, that was really traumatizing. And as a mother, I definitely understand her wanting to reconnect and just like like build that relationship and rebuild it and and work on it. I totally understand that. And part of me feels like I have gotten to a place in my life where I've kind of cleaned a lot of stuff out. Like again, if you listen to my previous episodes, especially with my ayahuasca stuff, I talk about all this stuff, right? But everything comes back around, and so my mother was coming back around, and I got this message, and even with my stepmother, who even calling her that feels weird to me because she raised me, even with her, right? The relationship that we have now versus when I was a kid, and I was told everything comes back around, and so your mothers are coming back to give you the love that they couldn't give you when you were a child or a kid, whatever. And I was crying for like 10-50 minutes because that made sense now. Before I even had had taken these mushrooms or any of this stuff, like I didn't like write down like I normally do and like set an intent. I was just pretty much like, I want to have a good time, I'm grieving, I'm in the woods, like I'm just hanging out, like whatever happens, happens. Like I'm like I'm with it, you know. And um, I just started crying because I understood, you know, like how my mother's coming back around, why, like the events that led to her wanting to do that. And I've always like kind we like kind of like text here and there on like holidays or her birthday, my birthday, her birthday, like hey, you know, or just like checking every now and then, you know, but we don't actually see each other because I feel like I had reached a point in my life where I'm just kind of, you know, um, I know where a relationship is and I'm okay with that. I don't hold anything against her, and I've kind of moved on from holding on to that animosity and holding on to that hurt. But then it said, um, well, they said, like, you're blocking her. Like, why are you blocking her? And I went, Well, I don't know. And they're like, no, you do know. You know, because you feel like if you take a chance, then you'll be disappointed again. And I just start crying. I just start hissing her because I had I haven't I mean, I haven't really put too much thought into it, but maybe there is a part of me that's just like at this point, like I have my life, I do this, I do that. I don't really need that, but it's not about needing it, it's about just having this opportunity that's coming around again to rebuild something that you didn't have before, you know, because everyone makes mistakes and everyone has like these challenges in life, and when you give people the space to the space to change, life changes them and life humbles them in ways that is not visible to everyone else. But I know why my mom is the way that she is, and I know why she has changed. And so I understand her point of view, understand my point of view, but it's not going to hurt me to let her in. And so that was like a thing for a minute. Like I was just hysterically crying, and so I need to take a break after that, and that lasted for like 10-20 minutes. Okay, like it felt like this thing was like a marathon, and so then it was just like you need to let people in and you need to let people love you. Okay, you need to let people in, you need people love you. Pause. So I after I came back, I'll restart the story, but this I need to insert this because this is important. I got that message at the cabin. So a couple days later, I'm trying to figure out my car, figure out my car. I I figure out how much it costs. And my mom, my stepmom, and you know, she was like asking me, like, how much is it? How much is it? Like, what's going on? And I'm very like, I'll figure it out, I'll figure it out, like whatever I have to do, I'll figure it out for myself. And she said my name and she said, It's okay to let me love you. And I said, Mom, I literally hurt because she knows that I do mushrooms, like everyone in my family knows, like, you know, and I told her what had happened to me. And again, nothing is a coincidence, nothing just like happened. And so the fact that, like, a couple days later, she said that to me, and I had gotten that message during that journey. I was like, Oh, okay, okay. Um, but anyway, after that, yeah. So they basically were like, you need to let people in it, you need to let people love you. And also, the guy that had a dream about, he had also one point, you know, like I said before, had said that to me, and that also kind of like tripped me up, and I was just like, I know, I know, I know. I'm trying, I'm trying. Like, m like my friend being there at that cabin was me allowing people to be in my space because I was just gonna be there for like the whole time by myself just hanging out. You know, I've done that before, but it's just like if you're trying to break your own habits and you're trying to like get out of your comfort zone, you need to stop doing those things. And it says we're and it and and they said to me, I keep saying it, they whatever, you know what I mean. They said to me, Where you go from here, y'all need that love and support, so you need to let people in. And I had to sit with that for a bit, and I was just crying, crying, crying, crying because I understood, you know, and I understood where it was coming from, and I also understood the things I had been working on. Not always achieving the things that like I was working on, but still like making an effort to like move differently, you know. So I get up because this whole time I'm like craving, I'm just like drinking all this water, yo, drinking all this water, and I go out to like get some more water, and I get a text from my friend, and he's visiting his friend, uh, you know, like they're away, but I've met his friend before and they're absolutely fabulous. And so I look at this message, right? Because I'm just like sitting out like I need a break, I need a break. Cause like I always like I I've said this before, but um everything kind of happens in waves, and so every time you get a message, just like a different wave, and then it's like alright, let me take a break, boom, boom, boom, and you go back, and she's like just going through the motions, and so this text, I kid you not, I mean timing is a picture of them, you know, uh posing, and it says my name and it said like my name, exclamation all these exclamation points, and it said get up, and I was just like, You gotta be getting me, like, and I said and I said to them, I was just like, your timing is impeccable because I had just gotten that message literally like minutes beforehand before I decided to be like, Okay, I like I need a break for a second before I like go back in. So then I thought that was absolutely incredible, so I had to mention that. So then I come back from my break, come back from that, and I start to feel really, really overwhelmed. Now, this happens when because I I learned this after the fact, this happens when there's too much energy like going on in your in your body, literally cannot handle that much energy, and so you start to feel like everything is like collapsing. I don't know if anyone's ever had a panic attack before. The only other time I had a panic attack was in Costa Rica after my first ayahuasca ceremony, and I talk about that uh in that episode, but that's the only other time that I felt like this, and usually when I felt to feel like that, it's because I need to like I'm tripping way too hard because there's way too much energy going on. There's just like all of this, it's just like feeling very, very overwhelmed. So I am just like my heart feels like it's about to come out of my chest, and they say to me, like, you're fine, you're fine, breathe, breathe, breathe. And so they start to show me how to ground myself. So if you've listened to this the episode before this one, I painted, um, I sketched what that felt like, but then I also kind of painted um just a more refined version of it, and so they were like, Well, let's show you how to like center yourself. So I was like laid out like this on my bed, and all I see is this eye, okay. Uh, I had never seen anything this visual before. I just see like this this big eye, and all these lines from every direction, here, here, up, like on the sides, up, down, all that stuff, all these lines of energy going into this eye, and I am just kind of like lying there, and like obviously, like I start to like calm down, like I'm not panicking anymore. But like, I just like and it just feels like everything is going to the center of my body, like that's what it felt like, and that's what I saw, and that that was absolutely incredible. Uh, because I've never seen anything like that before. So then after that, so I probably laid there that for about like 10 minutes, 10, 15 minutes. Oh, time, whatever. And so I get up and I go, Okay, you're gonna be coming down now. I said, cool. So they said smoke a little bit, and that'll help you calm, like help you calm down, and that will help you calm down. So I did that, took a break, and I step outside, and I am just like, oh, that was like I'm literally like, oh, that is that was absolutely incredible. Like I just remember repeating that over and over again because I just felt like I I just felt like refreshed, like I had just gotten like a facial, like like out of the spa, like that's that's what I felt like. And then my friend starts knocking on the door and she's like, Hey, are you alright? Like and I was like, No, you can open the door, like because I need a minute to like calm, like calm down. So um, take a minute, take a break, end up talking to her for her talking to her for a little bit, trying to explain to her what had happened to me. And um, she's looking at me like I have two heads. Uh, because again, like people don't really people who don't know about like ayahuasca or like mushrooms and all that stuff, uh, when you try to explain to them like what this is like, it's kind of hard, you know. I mean, people shouldn't not everyone should be like running to go do mushrooms because some people could not handle that capacity of information and that that level of openness. But I swear if people use them correctly and they really knew how to like clear out their own shit, you could change your own life so drastically you wouldn't even recognize yourself a month from now. Swear to God. And the physical and the spiritual have to match each other. So if you're having this transformative experience while you are tripping on mushrooms or on a journey, like imagine what your life could be if you just started clearing stuff out, like you would just be like the world is just moving around you because it you Can't have that kind of experience in the physical and not have it in spiritual because remember they have to mirror each other. So that was the thing. Now, um, when I started to come down though, this is when this um mushroom this mushroom journey trip started to feel like ayahuasca because I got sick. Well, not sick, I started to well you could say that whatever, sick. I started to purge. And again, if you listen to my previous episodes with my ayahuasca stuff, like you would understand what that is, and also grounding yourself. So I was like drinking water, drinking water, and I was purging. So you can purge, like um, you can throw up or you could, you know, be in the bathroom. Uh, I wouldn't wish that on nobody, okay, because that is not fun. So I was doing both, okay. Um, so I did purge a little bit before I was um before I saw her, but in the middle of me talking to her, I felt like I was getting sick. Uh, and she was just like, Are you okay? And I'm like, Whatever the body needs to do, it's just gonna go do. So I'm just explaining to her a little bit, you know, in between about like things that had happened. Then she goes to bed, thank god, because I was like, So I so I thought I was coming down to the point where I was like kind of like done tripping, but it was like a second wave of tripping that happened, okay. This is where it gets real sci-fi, okay, and I love it. I love it. I love when it gets weird, I love when it gets like a little abnormal. So she goes up to bed, right? A little tip. So she goes up to bed, and I'm like in the bathroom, and I'm just like, I could feel my stomach then when it jumping jackets, okay. So I'm just like, this is like so most of the time I'm just like dry heaving, okay. I'm drinking, dry heaving, and I'm just like going through these motions. Now, here's what and so here's the thing when it comes to purging things out. So it can be for two different reasons. When you when you go through a journey, right, and you are getting these messages and you're getting these revelations or these aha moments. You once that once that has been established that that is something you need to work on and that's something you need to release, that has to leave your body in some way, and that can come through the mouth or when you're in the bathroom. So that is one. The other way that it can happen, or is that needed, and this is mostly with like um purging and like dry heaving when you need to reach a higher state of consciousness. I found that out actually later. So as you are expanding and as your vibration and your energy levels are rising, your body needs to adjust because of the thing, right? Your mind and your body have to align, like they have to balance themselves out. So if mentally you are you're like you're you're expanding consciously, your body needs to align with that energy as well. And the way the body does that is through purging or through dry heaving if you're not actually throwing up. And so at one point I was like dry heaving like crazy, and I'm just like so, literally, um, I close my eyes, and again, I'm still in the bathroom, right? I'm going like to the bedroom, to my bathroom this whole time. I close my eyes and I see this Native American woman, and she had like a banner on her head, and then she had like a feather on her head, and I literally gasped because I'm just like, holy, because I've I've heard stories of people having like visuals of like beings and entities and things like that in your ancestors. I've seen and I've seen that like once or twice, but like nothing this um like this detailed. And I'm also gonna add like visuals, I'm gonna add visuals to this episode as well, so you can actually like see what I am talking about. So I see her in first it was like her and then the shape of her, and all you see is um, and the best way I can describe it, maybe I'll add a visual on this later, it's like different levels of nature flowing up into her. Um, that's the best way I can describe it. That's what it looked like. So it was like her, and then it was the shape of her, and then these different lines of energies of nature going into her, and she is just letting me know the state that I will be in from this point on. And at one point, uh, because I can't remember every single detail of that conversation of what she was saying to me, but it basically was just like you in it now, like you were forever expanding, and you are expanding even after this. But I can't remember every little thing she said. But then at one point, I look up at the window, okay, and it didn't look like trees like over the window, like obviously it was before, you know, during the daylight. It literally looked like a galaxy. Like I was like in that moment, I was like somewhere else. And that was like a quick little glance. I thought that was really cute and cool. So then I get up and I go to the mirror, and I look in the mirror, and this is also something that is very common if you've listened to people's stories or anything like that. This is very, very common. This is happening before because I've talked about in other episodes how I've seen my spiritual body, like so. I'm kind of used to this. This is different. Like I look in the mirror in this, and I see myself, but it's a very distorted version of myself. Like my eyes, like everything's a bit distorted, and that would probably like freak most people out. But again, I have seen different things and experienced different feelings to where like nothing really freaks me out. It's just like, you know, like I know like I'm I'm tripping right now, so things gonna happen. So I'm like, okay, I'm done with this bathroom thing. Like, I'll like I like there were so many points. I'm telling you, like the entire time I was like dry heaving, getting up, going to the bathroom, like drinking water, getting more water. Like it felt like forever. But I'm only giving you like when things actually happened between all that stuff. So then I go back to my room. And um, on my way to my room, on the way back there, I look in the mirror and I see me, but it's not me. It is this entity. Um so it's this entity, and her eyes, and I'm definitely inserting a picture of this because you could really understand what I was seeing in that moment. So I look at her, and because obviously I know it ain't me, but I just like see me, and she's like speaking to me, and I can't really understand what she's saying, but like her eyes are like kind of greenish, and at one point they're like reptilian eyes, and then at one point they go black, and my mouth just opens because things just kind of happen, right? Like your body at one point just does what it needs to do, right? Um, my mouth opens and the whole mirror, um, well, sorry, not the whole mirror, but my body. There's just like an image of this woman, and it's it's completely black. And I remember like being like, What hold like I didn't eat a second? I was like, Hold on, hold on. Too much, too much, could you be so then it happened again, and then that's when I was like, Okay, okay. I ended up finding out later on what that meant, but I'll explain that later. So then that happened, and I thought that was really, really cool. Uh, because it had never happened to me before. Like, I've seen my spiritual body and I've seen and I've seen like distorted versions of myself in the mirror because mirrors are portals. I've talked about that um before. So, like I knew what was happening, but I had never seen anything like that. And so that was kind of like, oh, okay. So then I go lay down because I'm just like, wow, I just literally want to go to bed at this point. So at one point, so at one point I'm kind of laying down again. Remember, this whole time I am drinking water, dry heaving. Sometimes I'm actually purging, going to the bathroom. I mean, just like all these different things, and now I I was literally exhausted, like I was absolutely exhausted, which is why I always say, like, the day after I do mushrooms, like, I just want to chill. Like, I don't want to do anything. But at one point, my stomach was just like in complete knots, dude. Like, it just felt like so tight, and I'm just like begging. I was like, listen, whatever is in me. And I did this during my second ayahuasca ceremony when like I wouldn't purge, and I was just seeing images, like all this really cool stuff. But at the same time, like, whatever is in me, please just take it out, just take it out of me, dude. So I go to the bathroom, and I told I only I've only have told like um two people this story who were in my ayahuasca group, uh, because they would understand. And so I'm sitting on in the bathroom, and at one point, I I just feel like I am giving birth, bro. And I all I hear is like we need to push, push, push, push, push, push. And I'm just like, ugh, I like, and I'm literally like breathing, like, and I'm just like trying to like pace myself and like get myself together because I'm just like, I need to get this out of me. And so I am just like pushing like I'm about to have a baby, like that's the best way I can describe it. And I'm just like pushing this thing out of me. I'm not gonna go any more graphic than that. And then after I do that, and that took, I felt like it took like 10 minutes for that to happen. So I'm just like, this needs to happen like yesterday, and so I'm like push, push, push, push, pushing, and then I push, and then I just like I just like my whole stomach just felt like lighter, like so light. And I'm still like in the bathroom a minute because I still feel a little bit queasy, and so like I have like I'm holding this garbage can with like every like every inch of power that I have left. I'm holding this garbage can in my hand, like sorry, like in my arms, and so like I'm driving a little dry heaving a little bit, but like not not too much. And so after like 10 10 minutes, and then a little bit little five minutes later, I'm like, okay, I feel like I lay back down. So I lay back down, and then I start to get this message of like and again this goes into like a little bit like a sci-fi, like quant like quantum leaping and you know, portals and different things like that. So I hear this message that I before I came here, I told someone to meet me at a specific place and time for when I was ready to receive something. And so again, um I began to see these like memories. That's the best way I can describe them. They were like memories and memories and moments of things that have happened to me like within the past like year. And it's like with each memory, it was like I was going through the memories as they were portals, and so each time I got through like a memory and a portal, I had to go to the bathroom and then come back. So each time this happened, I was feeling lighter and lighter and sleep here and sleeper, like I could rest. There's no other better way I can describe it. So it's like I'm going through these memories of things that happen to me in these moments, going through them and then going to the bathroom, and then feeling like, okay, like my body felt more rested, like I could feel like I could like really start to lay down. And then here's the thing with that. And if you have read any of Dolores Canaan's books, you would understand part of this. So there are moments in people's lives, and I've only heard about this story like one or two times. So we all know at this point that like um our lives are basically kind of planned out, which is why the idea of free will is like a whole thing, but I don't want to get into that. And so the soul knows where it needs to go, which is why you listen to your heart and your soul so it can lead you in the direction you need to go. Yada yada. So, because the soul and your soul knows where it needs to be at a certain point in time, it plans it out, like everything is kind of planned out and decided before you come down and you get here. So at some point, and again, to really explain this is kind of hard, but at some point, I was going to end up at this point in time where I would then be able to gain access to knowledge or something in my subconscious to surface that I would need to move further in my journey, and so that's what that was. So now after that happened, um, but pretty much was like kind of like the end of it. Uh so the next day was really, really cool because the next day I looked in the mirror and because obviously I had seen that weird thing happen in the mirror, and I was like, Whoa, that was crazy. Uh, but I looked in the mirror and I was just like in awe of myself. Like I could not stop looking at myself all freaking day. Like, I just looked different, like I just looked, I don't know, like I was just like obsessed with me. I was just like, bitch, you are gorgeous, like you are everything. And so I ended up asking about that later because I'm just like like I I kid you not, like I looked in the mirror and it it wasn't like how I looked at myself before, it was different. Like I just felt like at peace with with everything inside of me and outside of me. Like I just felt reborn, um, which is why the I named the painting Rebirth, because I literally felt like I had given birth and I I just felt like a new person. And I end up finding out later what happened to me in the mirror with that with that um being was that she removed something out of me and um she removed like this feeling of doubt and unworthiness like within me. It's the best way I can describe it and put it. And so that's why the next day, and even to this day, like I'm just like very like when I look at myself, I just look at myself with pride and with confidence, and just like, girl, you got this, like let's get it. And so she had removed that in that moment, in that point in time, and I was like, Oh wow, that's because I remember um mirrors are portals, like they when we look in the mirror, we are looking back at what we see, how we think about ourselves, how we feel about ourselves, all that. So that's why like some people can't look at the mirror like very long because they can't stand to to look at themselves, you know. That's why people can't sit in silence with themselves because they don't want things coming up that they can't handle, they don't want to deal with. Like, hello, and being on camera and all of this stuff is all part of the rebirth, which I talk about, you know, in that episode that I just uh dropped on Tuesday. So that was my heroic dose journey, and more downloads were happening between um well, they have happened, like with my car and just like dealing with my car, and then when I came back home, didn't still have my car when I came back home, so I had to figure that out, and so that took like a day or two, and then when I came home, like I had water damage because there was like a storm, and so there was like water just flooding my second bedroom apartment. Well, my second bedroom in my apartment, and I'm just like, I literally just came back from the woods, like having the best time of my life, feeling refreshed going through this journey, and then I come back and I have like pee like all week, someone was in and out of my apartment, and so I was stuck in my bedroom, kind of like working on things. Like I've been wanting to drop this episode, but it's like I couldn't because I had to deal with that, so I'm just like, ugh. So it's like stuck in the space, and like even like in and like they would be done during the day, and then there would just be a mess in here, and I'm just like, I just literally just want my space back, I just wanted my space back, and so because I had gone through because again, the physical and the spiritual have to mirror each other, you can't have something like that happen, and something not happened, the physical, end up finding that out later. So, because I went through that transformation when I was away, when I came back, my space was under construction. See how they mirror each other? So I was just like, Oh, okay. Like, I'm like at one point, like Friday had happened, and like the guy just left and he didn't tell me if he was coming back. I didn't get no, like, nothing, like none of that. And so I'm just like, I just like I literally had like a like a baby, like I was crying like crying like a baby. I was like, I just like I just want this done already, like I just want my space back, like I just want my studio back because like here is where I paint, where I create like my episodes, where all my content, like I just have this space to create. I've created this space to be my creative space, and so I didn't have that, so I was just so annoyed. So I was like, I'm gonna have been all weekend with it like this, like I don't want to deal with any of this. Like I was just really, I was just so annoyed. But then they end up coming back um Saturday morning and then like finishing up, they didn't get done until five again. It it just took so long, and then I had got my car back on Wednesday, but it's just like I came back from like having that experience, and then like all week I just felt like I was just like dealing with like a million different things, and I'm just like like like what I just came back relaxed. Like, why am I doing all this? Like, life be life it, right? Because we can't always have like you can't be in the woods having you know, chill and relaxing. It can't always be like that, you know. But I'm gonna get back there though. But yeah, um, but between now and then there are like some downloads and information that I have been getting that I will definitely share. I have to really process them a little bit. But basically, I I felt like I felt like I have been reborn and my life from this point on will be very transformative. And I just feel like magical things are going to happen and come up and connections are gonna be made, and I really look forward to that. So thank you for listening, and I hope you look forward to more episodes in the future.