DEAN AND DAWES: Date Has Got A Gun!

Hosted by: Jackie Dawes and Timothy “Dean” Gager

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Show notes

Guest: Jen Bannan

Hosted by: Jackie Dawes and Timothy Gager

1)  Dawes Botox Disaster

2)  Double “no” to a vetted guest

3)  When is a first date a “GO” or a “NO”

4) Listener Feedback

5) APP TIME FAKE APP: Cam Date

6) Danny DeVito’s Jersey Mike’s Ad  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RE-dLbNOkf4 

Jackie Dawes is a Teacher, writer, ADHD survivor, Imposter …somewhere Ms. Kursman is laughing hysterically.

Timothy “Dean” Gager has published 20 books of fiction and poetry, which includes his latest novel, The Shadows of the Seen, forthcoming with Pierian Springs Press in 2025. He hosted the successful Dire Literary Series in Cambridge, MA from 2001 to 2018, and started a weekly virtual series in 2020. He has had over 1000 works of fiction and poetry published, 18 nominations for the Pushcart Prize. His work also has been nominated twice for a Massachusetts Book Award, The Best of the Web, The Best Small Fictions Anthology and has been read on National Public Radio. 

 The 2 Deans produced by Timothy Gager

Theme song and App Time Jingle written and performed by Delaware’s Aspartame Daddies

If you want MERCH. Dean and Dawes Sweatshirts ($45), and t-shirts ($30)

 The 2 Deans produced by The Oddball Foundation

Theme song and App Time Jingle written and performed by Delaware’s Aspartame Daddies

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Hey everyone, this is Brian O'Neill here in beautiful Florida Keys, and you're listening to the two Deans, Dating, Dread, and Disasters. What I really want to ask you all is when's the last time you had a date in this town?

SPEAKER_00 0:11

The calling podcast are the opinions and satire of Dean.

SPEAKER_03 0:16

And Dean. And maybe some truth.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

And in no way represents the opinions. And lack of satire of anyone else but ourselves.

SPEAKER_03 0:26

But the people might be true. The story you're about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

SPEAKER_02 1:00

Hi, what's going on, little deans?

SPEAKER_03 1:03

Well, hello, Jackie. What's going on with you?

SPEAKER_02 1:06

Well, there are too many things to tell you. I don't know. So many things.

SPEAKER_03 1:11

So many things.

SPEAKER_02 1:12

Can barely fit in this ridiculous podcast.

SPEAKER_03 1:15

Well, yeah, it is a fun pod. It is a fun podcast.

SPEAKER_02 1:18

This is gonna be the this is the funnest half hour of the whole week. The rest of the week is so much worse.

SPEAKER_03 1:23

It is, and we're not gonna mention why you're recording in sunglasses, are we? Maybe a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 1:27

But now that you said it, now we have to tell them. It's so embarrassing. It's terrible. I don't want to talk about it.

SPEAKER_03 1:33

It's a malpractice, dude.

SPEAKER_02 1:34

It's not a malpractice. Botox malpractice.

SPEAKER_03 1:38

Yeah, well, no, you warned them, don't Botox.

SPEAKER_02 1:41

I've told them, yes, so many times. This is the third time it's happened that I that the Botox person talks me into getting Botox in my forehead, going, oh no, this they just didn't know what they were doing. Trust me, trust me. And now I have a lazy eye for at least six months, maybe more. Last time it didn't go away forever, it took forever. Oh wow, it's awful. And I did it to myself, and I paid money for it.

SPEAKER_03 2:05

Well, you know, our guest two weeks ago, she had that lazy eye story. So if she got Botox in her forehead, or would her eye fall completely off?

SPEAKER_02 2:14

No. They gave her the wrong prescription in her glasses. I'm wondering if they could fix a prescription in my glasses to make this fix. But it no, it's it there's no helping. No, there's nothing. There's not the guy goes, Do you have an electric toothbrush? And I said, Oh no. Yeah. And he goes, just put the electric toothbrush on your head to just kind of get the muscles to move so it can kind of process the Botox faster. What? Oh shit. Oh no. About that. That's ridiculous. This is what I get.

SPEAKER_03 2:46

Do you want to hear about the person that we've I vetted for this show and I said no to, or they said no to us, and we said I said no to him. It was like, I'm saying no. I'm breaking I'm not breaking up with you, you're breaking up with me. Wait, I'm breaking up with you first.

SPEAKER_02 3:00

So wait, why did you say no? We love people to come on the show.

SPEAKER_03 3:04

Well, he alright, so um he emailed us and he sent me all the stuff for his book, and it was a fiction book, but he said this book's based on true stories. I said, Look, I'm not gonna have you on the show until I bet you just to see if it works.

SPEAKER_02 3:18

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 3:19

And it would have worked.

SPEAKER_02 3:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 3:22

He said he researched, he liked our show a lot, he researched it, but then he said, I said, look, the show goes on. I said, just if you got uh something that the book is based on a true story about a dysfunctional relationship that's got some humor in it, you know, you'll go on for 10, 15 minutes, and he goes, Oh, hold, hold it, hold it, hold it right there. Uh-oh. And he says, I go on podcasts for 45 minutes to an hour. And I said, Whoa.

SPEAKER_02 3:50

Did you tell him the podcast isn't 45 minutes long?

SPEAKER_03 3:53

Oh no, he was very gracious about it. But but he said, Oh, it's not gonna work then. I said, No, it's not gonna work because you know we have he goes, Yeah, you do your thing. I was wondering, did he research the show?

SPEAKER_02 4:03

I don't think he might I don't think he researched the show. But it's sweet of him to have said so.

SPEAKER_03 4:08

Yeah, and the other thing too, right? He was like, uh, like he was, I don't know, he was like, listen to the other podcasts I've done. So he directed me to his website, so he definitely was on a hard sell, and then he was like, you know, they're gonna do a Netflix series about this book. I don't know if they are or they aren't, but it just it just seemed like it just the one.

SPEAKER_02 4:28

Yeah, you know, that's like the second or third person who told me they're writing a book that they said that they're in talks with Netflix for some reason. We are a lot of people are doing that. Is Netflix just like open to pitches or something?

SPEAKER_03 4:42

I think they're open to pitches.

SPEAKER_02 4:43

I mean, they might have a you know they might like a big like I mean like an open call, like open casting, like come on in, let us hear your story kind of thing.

SPEAKER_03 4:51

No, I think they got an email address, basically. You can send yourself.

SPEAKER_02 4:55

So if I send that in, I can say, you know, Netflix is considering doing a series.

SPEAKER_03 5:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:01

Okay, I like it. I'll do it.

SPEAKER_03 5:04

Here's what something that we've been on our list for a while.

SPEAKER_02 5:08

Okay, let's hear it.

SPEAKER_03 5:10

And it has to do you're on a first date and things are going really well.

SPEAKER_02 5:15

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 5:16

What is what are the factors about going further on the first date or not going at all?

SPEAKER_02 5:23

You mean when you determine this is working versus like, okay, get me through this meal so I can go home and never talk about it.

SPEAKER_03 5:29

I mean if it's working and it's a bad idea, like for example, like say going out with a co-worker, and then it could lead to something more. That could be a go, that could be a no, right?

SPEAKER_02 5:43

Well, usually it's frowned upon yes, right? It's a it's a not so good go. Unless it's just so hot you can't not, but work says no, hormones say I mean I think it depends, right? I mean, do workplace romance- I mean workplace romances happen. So to get to the date, you would have already had to have come to that obstacle, right? You would have already said, okay, let's try to move forward. We could get Mike Vrabel on.

SPEAKER_03 6:09

Maybe we can get Mike Vrabel on the show. That's a workplace dating.

unknown 6:13

Who?

SPEAKER_03 6:14

The Patriots coach was bagged um in an extramarital affair with a um an NFL sideline reporter.

SPEAKER_02 6:23

Is that when they were at a concert for like a no, no, that's a whole different story.

SPEAKER_03 6:27

But this was big. You don't listen to the news, right?

SPEAKER_02 6:30

No, I don't I don't even I don't watch TV or news. It's too upsetting now. I've given up on all pop culture, I've given up on current events, I'm just hiding because the world, since it seems to be ending, I thought, you know, maybe I should just enjoy stuff before it it disrupts.

SPEAKER_03 6:46

So I guess also extramarital affairs, like you might think it's a good idea, and then suddenly halfway through it's a no, right?

SPEAKER_02 6:53

I guess, but it sounded like you were asking about dates. So, like if you're going on a date and and you had a good banter with the person enough to decide, okay, I want to I wanna go and have a meal or a drink with this person or coffee, and then you're sitting down with them, now you now you've crossed the threshold from online or whatever to oh, I guess if you work together, you already have that. But like you know the in-person chemistry happens on a date. Did it happen? Yeah, right. So that's one thing, and then if they say something, say they're like, Oh my god, this person's like they could be perfect for me, and then they make some kind of racist joke or something really off-color, like something really bad, and they're like, ooh, or they say something that makes them sound not nice, or they're not nice to the waiter. That's another one. Um, that's a big one if they're not nice to the waiter.

SPEAKER_03 7:41

I think there's a lot of stronger, harsher lines that are drawn. I think I think men have the lesser lines, like, you know, like, oh, that person might be married, I don't care. That person might be my boss, I don't care. And we'll always picking on the men.

SPEAKER_02 7:58

Always you say the men are the worst than the women. I don't think so. I think that women can be just as you shallow. Is that what you're trying to say? They're shallow?

SPEAKER_03 8:09

Uh no, I think they make the worst choices. When when it's things are in doubt, I think men make worse choices.

SPEAKER_02 8:17

How so?

SPEAKER_03 8:18

Well, like, I mean, obviously it takes two to tango in very certain certain or in certain scenarios, but I definitely think men are like, you know, like, wait a minute, uh, this might not be a good idea. Oh well, you know, like, and then and then they wake up the next morning with her.

SPEAKER_02 8:36

You mean they'd still sleep with the person even though they know that it's not they're not gonna date them. Yes. I see. But so you're not saying bad idea. You're saying, I know I'm not gonna date them, but I'm still gonna sleep with them. Is that what you're saying? Men will still sleep with the person even though they know, look, they don't meet my standards in my head, or I'm no, I'm not gonna date them because I don't like them like that. But I'll sleep with them. Is that what you're trying to say about men?

SPEAKER_03 8:59

Yeah, I'm thinking.

SPEAKER_02 9:00

And you don't think that women do that?

SPEAKER_03 9:03

Um, I guess well, they've never told me.

SPEAKER_02 9:08

Maybe they're very good at hiding that, but maybe they're like, well, you know what? He's a good looking guy, and I haven't fooled around in a while and I feel like it, so I will, but I'm certainly not gonna move forward with this because he doesn't meet my standards in my head. I mean, I think it I think that can be true for anybody. But there are, you're right, there are absolute deal breakers for people. I think most people, if they see someone be rude to a customer service person, I think they don't that they're off the list. I think that's not true. You know what? I also have a program. I have a friend who I hope I can get her on the show. She had a list, and she was in this pro like a like a dating find that man, find your perfect mate programmy thing. Like she was on a mission, she was gonna find her person, and she made a list, and she was sticking to it. She's like, I will not even continue. Do you have a clipboard? She I she might as well have had a clipboard. She had so many things on the list, and I said, But what if you meet this great guy and they just don't happen to have this one thing? You know, like a graduate degree. There was like upper, there were the things, things that to this.

SPEAKER_03 10:11

I think the list should be what are the because obviously in long-term relationships, I don't know if you've seen the show beef, but in long-term relationships, they're always gonna get really weird at the end and then they become work, right? So do you want to work with your spouse or not work with your spouse? So I think the list should definitely be like, what can I tolerate long-term, short-term versus what do I want?

SPEAKER_02 10:35

Well, I think those are all good thoughts. I just unfortunately, being the impulsive ADHD person that I am, I usually am like, do I feel good about this in this very moment? And it's okay if tomorrow I'm like, what on earth am I doing? So I I don't know. I wish I made better choices, but her list intimidated me because I felt like she was cutting off a lot of options for herself by being so specific in what she wanted. And she was like, I will not, I will not make it.

SPEAKER_03 11:04

And you know what choice she's gonna end up with? A con man.

SPEAKER_02 11:07

Oh, I hope not.

SPEAKER_03 11:10

Because, you know, this con man's gonna like to say all the problems.

SPEAKER_02 11:13

Right, a con man's gonna lie to say, I'm all the things on the list, even though there's probably nobody who could make all those, like, be all those things. Who knows?

SPEAKER_03 11:21

You were giving some listener feedback?

SPEAKER_02 11:23

Okay, I want to hear the listener feedback. I hope it's all nice.

SPEAKER_03 11:26

Well, so the guy that said no to our show, his listener feedback said after after he said no, or I said no to him, or he said no to us, he said, Well, we don't need guests anyway. We can pull it off without guests. We are funny with a lot of energy.

SPEAKER_02 11:42

Oh, is that what the guy said?

SPEAKER_03 11:44

He says, I don't want to be on your show if you only give me 15 minutes, but you guys can do it without me.

SPEAKER_02 11:49

You guys are fine. Go ahead. Go ahead. Well, that was nice feedback. What other feedback did we get?

SPEAKER_03 11:56

Um, okay, uh, this is the feedback. Someone had feedback about my role play scenario.

SPEAKER_02 12:03

Ooh.

SPEAKER_03 12:04

And they said, yes, roleplay is the same type of scenario. You just use scenario, the same sort of setting that porn uses, yes, it is. But I don't know, I think it's only that way. I think all people only think of it that way because it's hot. Because you know, roleplay came way, way before porn was all over the internet. Way before.

SPEAKER_02 12:28

Well, porn was still, I mean, like, my dad, when I would go, like, if I was hanging out at my dad's house for the weekend and I was sleeping in their room because they were gone or whatever, you always could find all the porn under their bed. And it all had the same type of fetish stuff in it. Like you could read like those true confession stories and all that. Those stories are the porn scenarios on film. I mean, and also film started. True. When did film start? Not that I mean, a hundred years ago, they were still doing porno films back then, and I still think it's always, you know, power dynamics and a lot of cliches.

SPEAKER_03 13:04

I think someone should do uh like a silent movie, a silent movie of porn, and then like you have the black screen with the words like, oh, I'm coming, and be like they have those!

SPEAKER_02 13:14

They have those. I'm not kidding, they exist already, Tim. You just have to find them. Telling you, go look up the history of porn, and you're going to find that even during the silent film era, somebody was going era, somebody was going around making inappropriate films and then putting in the words. It happened. I'm telling you, I've seen it.

SPEAKER_03 13:37

You ready for you ready for our regular feature?

SPEAKER_02 13:41

Is that all of our feedback? Sure.

SPEAKER_03 13:43

It's all of our feedback.

SPEAKER_02 13:45

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_03 13:45

Here we go.

SPEAKER_02 13:53

App time.

SPEAKER_03 13:55

It is app time, everybody. So this is the app, and I thought of this to make money, and you you would subscribe to this, and it's sort of like Zoom, but it's sort of like like Cam Girls, but it's sort of like um oh. So what happens is you don't log in and look at profiles, you log in with your camera, and you get this big room of all these people with their cameras, and you can like request that you talk to somebody.

SPEAKER_02 14:32

Oh, like a meet and greet, but like in a bingo grid where you could be like, hey, G4, G4, meet me in the side room.

SPEAKER_03 14:40

Or they have the chat thing, hey, I want to talk to you, and then if they don't talk back, they're not interested.

SPEAKER_02 14:46

Oh. But that's a really good idea. I think we should do that. We can do that on here, anyways. So next week we could be like a meet and greet Zoom.

SPEAKER_03 14:54

Would you want to do that for a show? We'll just see.

SPEAKER_02 14:56

We should do that one day for a show. We should invite people on, be like, hey, if you're single, you want to join, let's we'll full hot, we'll have it all set up for you. I don't think we can do it by next week.

SPEAKER_03 15:03

I think we can just do it right now. If I if I go like into Craigslist or Facebook and just ask a hundred people to pay me like a hundred bucks each.

SPEAKER_02 15:12

Okay, you're turning this into a business.

SPEAKER_03 15:14

20 people that's the fake out of the way.

SPEAKER_02 15:16

Yeah, but they're not gonna, why are they gonna give you money unless they know they gotta see something about who's in the room? Who's in the room? I'm not gonna give you my money unless I know you've got like Brad Pitt in the room.

SPEAKER_03 15:27

Really?

SPEAKER_02 15:28

I like Brad Pitt.

SPEAKER_03 15:30

Yeah, I don't know if he I don't think he wants to join.

SPEAKER_02 15:33

No, he he would not want to join, nor would he need to. It's like that that movie with Robert Redford where he paid a woman a million dollars to sleep with him, and you're like, any woman in the world would would sleep with Robert Redford for cab fare. It's the dumbest premise ever. How did that movie even make money?

SPEAKER_03 15:47

So Yeah, that that is it should have been like Danny DeVito.

SPEAKER_02 15:51

Uh that's not nice to Rhea Pearlman.

SPEAKER_03 15:56

A million dollars. Danny DeVito, like all three foot five of them crawling all over you for a million dollars. Hey! Like a little rat.

SPEAKER_02 16:02

You are picking on Danny DeVito. He is a fine actor and a funny, funny man.

SPEAKER_03 16:07

I love him in his Oh is sunny, but I don't like him in the Jersey, the Jersey Mike's commercial when he's sitting there and he's looking at the subs like, oh, making popping, you're making smokers sound. Oh yeah, happy feed and just shit.

SPEAKER_02 16:19

I don't even know that commercial, but I loved him in Taxi. And uh I even liked him in that terrible Batman movie. He was awful. Um I felt bad for him. He was the penguin, yeah. He's a good actor! Poor, poor Danny DeVito.

SPEAKER_03 16:34

Poor Danny DeVito. But yeah, would you would you take alright, Jackie? Would you take a million dollars from Danny DeVito to let him sleep? You say you love him to let him sleep with you?

SPEAKER_02 16:42

I love his acting ability. I'm not gonna sleep with you. A million dollars. I'm not gonna sleep with him for a minute. I would be weird. That would be weird. Two million. I don't like that. I don't think. How many million would it take? I don't wanna I don't wanna have sex with somebody for a million dollars. I want them just to give me a million dollars. Just give me the million. Why don't I just sleep with you?

SPEAKER_03 17:02

Let's bring our guest on. Okay, let's bring our right away.

SPEAKER_02 17:08

Come on in, Jen. Would you sleep with Danny DeVito?

SPEAKER_03 17:11

How many millions would it take for you to sleep with Danny DeVito?

SPEAKER_01 17:14

I mean, you know.

SPEAKER_02 17:24

It is a lot of money. And you know what?

SPEAKER_03 17:26

I would really do Danny DeVito for five million dollars. I would do it.

SPEAKER_02 17:30

How do you do it? Good job.

SPEAKER_03 17:32

Yeah, five.

SPEAKER_02 17:33

Good.

SPEAKER_03 17:33

Danny, if you're listening. Danny?

SPEAKER_02 17:36

Danny, give us a call. You know what? I hope Rhea Pearlman comes over there and kicks your ass.

SPEAKER_03 17:42

They're divorced, aren't they?

unknown 17:44

No.

SPEAKER_03 17:46

As long as we were branding him, I would I would actually have Danny DeVito. I would put Jersey Mics, I'd lie on my back and put Jersey Mike subs all over my body. And for five five million, he'd be like, wow, happy Danny.

SPEAKER_02 17:59

I think you're assuming what his fetish is. I don't know that he's commercial. What if that's not gonna do it for Danny?

SPEAKER_03 18:05

The commercial sounds like he's got a sandwich fetish. It really does.

SPEAKER_02 18:09

Well, good thing.

SPEAKER_03 18:10

I'll put it in, I'll put the commercial in the show notes.

SPEAKER_02 18:13

Alright, put the commercial in the show notes. But now Jen is gonna tell us a story.

SPEAKER_03 18:18

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 18:19

Hey guys, thanks for having me on the show.

SPEAKER_01 18:22

Thanks for coming. Dun dun. So um my story it goes way, way back to when I was a youngster, really. Um it was my first boyfriend, and um we were pretty serious. He was older than I was. I was older. Uh, three years. He was 17 and I was 14.

SPEAKER_02 18:46

That's a big difference. If you were my kid, I'd be like, no, no, no. That's a freshman and a senior. I don't know. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 18:54

Yeah, we had to make the the way back machine noises. We're going way back up to 17 and 14, which is kind of it's almost it's sort of like 30 and 14 in a lot of ways.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

I know, right? And uh he I I was getting ready to apply to like uh uh high school for acting, performing arts. That was my big dream, which my whole my family, my boyfriend, they were all very discouraging of that. And uh it's probably how in the end I I turned out to be a writer instead of an actor. But um I just I was like, I'm gonna apply to the school, I'm gonna apply, and he would have these like temper tantrums, just fits about how it was terrible because I would kiss other men. Like that was gonna be the problem. Is that he was this Cuban boy, you know, less name Perez, like very traditional family.

SPEAKER_03 19:52

Was his name Ricky Ricardo? Lucy. No, you can't be in the show! You're going to kiss the boys at the club, but no, Lucy, you cannot come to the club.

SPEAKER_02 20:01

Cannot be in the show, Lucy. Okay, so wait a minute. So he was conservative and traditional, and he did not want you kissing other people, even if you were just quote unquote acting.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

And just I was like, Well, I'm applying anyway, and I did, and but we kept having the fights, and yeah, I auditioned for the school. I got in, we kept having the fights, we kept having the fights. Um, meanwhile, he was like graduating from high school, so he was on his way soon anyway. He wasn't even gonna be he was going into the Navy, so it was like, what do you care? Like, we're probably gonna break up, like very good point.

SPEAKER_02 20:38

These are good points.

SPEAKER_01 20:40

I was pretty practical, you know. For I I think with this point I'm like 15 because it was this long protracted constant string of arguments, and um, and then finally it's a full year of arguments, it's a full year of arguments, 14 to 15. Right, right. And so um then one time like it came up, he's like, I can't believe you're going to that school. I can't believe it. You're so awful, you're gonna, you know, cheat on me, even if you're not doing it, you know, in your heart, like if you kiss on screen, then again, it was just like very basic. Then, you know, that'll be cheating on me. And I was just like, you know what? Uh I'm really sick of this. Like, I need to break up with you. Okay. So he's like, wait, what? I'm like, yeah, the the I'm I'm done. I'm leaving. I was at his house, and I start to like leave the house. He's like, No way, no way, no way. And he runs all around the house. Uh, and I kind of got like a little nervous, like, wait, what's he can? And I don't know, I should have just stepped out the door, but the next thing anymore.

SPEAKER_03 21:44

Like a frenzy, he was frenzied.

SPEAKER_01 21:46

Yeah, but and I guess I was worried, or I don't know. So I followed him to his parents' bedroom, wondering what it was he was about to do, and he reaches into his dad's like bedside table drawer. Oh no.

SPEAKER_03 22:01

So already in this episode in parents' bedrooms, there's porn and guns.

SPEAKER_02 22:07

How do we always know the theme? Okay, wait. Wait. This is not a disaster. This has become like a horror forensic file show. So he is kind of a disaster. He pulls out a gun to points at it. You or himself.

SPEAKER_01 22:19

Like what? So I'm going to turn off my video because it's I'm having a bad connection. Do you think that'll help? Okay. Okay. So he pulls out the gun and he starts waving it around. He's gonna hurt himself. He's gonna hurt himself. And um, and then his cute little grandparents walk in. Abuelo and abuela, you know, and they're like, stop, stop, don't hurt yourself, don't do anything crazy. And he's like, you know, waving the gun around wildly, and I'm freaking out because, like, what if he shoots me? What if he shoots himself? What if he shoots his grandparents?

SPEAKER_02 22:56

Like, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You shouldn't have been anywhere near that.

SPEAKER_01 23:00

Yeah, right? I'm like 15 years old.

SPEAKER_02 23:02

You're 15 years old. This is not a dating disaster, this is like trauma.

SPEAKER_03 23:06

Now, have you uh have you it is a breakup disaster? Have you have you been like uh in the in the same room as the gun since then?

SPEAKER_01 23:15

Oh, yes. I mean, I grew up in Miami, Florida, so okay.

SPEAKER_02 23:19

All right, all right. But wait a minute, how did they get wait? He has the gun, he's flailing it around, his grandparents come in the room, then what happens?

SPEAKER_01 23:26

I'm like freaking out and panicking, and I just didn't know what to do, and I've been putting up with his stupid stuff for a year anyway, so I finally just said, Okay, uh, okay, okay, I love you. Uh, we'll stay together.

SPEAKER_02 23:43

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_03 23:45

And he like tried that in the last time someone broke up with me. It worked.

SPEAKER_02 23:49

Oh, shh, Tim. So she you say this, you feel absolutely obligated to say it. And what is it?

SPEAKER_01 23:56

He like bur like bursts into tears or dissolves into tears, and everyone's like, it's okay, it's okay. And he drops the gun on the bed, and he's kind of like his grandparents come around and pat him on the shoulder, maybe they whisk the gun away, and he hugs me and he tells me how much he loves me. And I'm just like, oh my god, someone just made me tell them that I love them and I'll love them forever by waving a gun at me.

SPEAKER_02 24:22

Manipulation, absolute psychotic.

SPEAKER_01 24:25

Right.

SPEAKER_02 24:26

So, what did so you you said that and it's crying. How do you get out of there?

SPEAKER_01 24:31

I mean, eventually I just broke up with them when there wasn't a gun present.

SPEAKER_02 24:36

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_03 24:38

But like the positive spin on that is you disarmed someone with love.

SPEAKER_02 24:45

No, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_03 24:47

That is the gun melted away.

SPEAKER_02 24:50

There is no positive spin on this scenario. This is how narcissistic, scary people.

SPEAKER_03 24:56

You're working at a convenience store and someone comes in with a gun and you say, put that gun down, I love you.

SPEAKER_02 25:02

Yeah, okay, Tim, that's a very different kind of Gandhi way of looking at it. This is a this is a serious situation with a teenage girl. If I were your mom and you came home and I knew that story, did you tell her? Because I'm gonna call the cops. Oh, I would have called the cops on this person, I would have said he's unstable, I would have said someone needs to lock. Who the hell isn't locking their guns up and puts it in the dressing? This is so bad. So many bad things. Yeah, you should do as a parent. As a parent, you go, wait, who's in charge over there? What is grandma and granddad saying when they see this gun? Like somebody should be saying, This is not a normal reaction. It's a teenage love triangle. But when you have weapons in the house, that is a very bad situation.

SPEAKER_01 25:48

My parents had a had a gun in their uh drawer as well, and they didn't lost it.

SPEAKER_02 25:53

So did my dad, but if somebody broke up with me, I didn't take it out and that's kind of nuts. Oh shit.

SPEAKER_01 26:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:05

And you never told your mom, right?

SPEAKER_01 26:07

No, I mean I I wrote a book, so it there's a little vignette in in the book that um, you know, my mom can read now if she wants, and she'd probably be like, oh my goodness, I thought he was such a nice boy. You know.

SPEAKER_03 26:20

So your book is a book of short stories. What is it called?

SPEAKER_01 26:24

It's called Tammyami Trail, which is the name of the road that connects um Miami and Tampa. Uh, and it also connects like Hayaocho and the Everglades, and it was a road that went right past my house that I grew up uh in in Miami. And uh I left Miami in 87, and man, I looking back was when I kind of realized like, wow, I was around a lot of guns and drugs and weird violence and yeah. It sounds like a good book. Oh my uh thank you. Um, my daughter did the book cover. She was the artist cover, look at that.

SPEAKER_03 27:07

Beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 27:08

Oh that is really cool.

SPEAKER_01 27:12

She's kind of forlorn because you know there's like some weird character in the corner.

SPEAKER_02 27:16

Is that a firebird or a Camaro? What is that car? Is it a Camaro?

SPEAKER_01 27:20

Um, I'm gonna say Camaro. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:22

Camaro. Got it.

SPEAKER_01 27:24

I'm not a car expert.

SPEAKER_02 27:28

It's a very pretty cover. I like it.

SPEAKER_03 27:30

That's gonna be a good cover for being on the show. Great. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 27:34

Thanks, Jen.

SPEAKER_03 27:35

Rumor is that we're gonna talk your husband into telling his story in the future.

SPEAKER_01 27:40

I'm trying. He has some funny stuff.

SPEAKER_03 27:42

Alright, we'll get him off.

SPEAKER_02 27:44

That would be cool. Thanks, Jen. Good story. Tell your mom.

SPEAKER_03 27:49

So let me now if we're to break out of the song, what would it be now? Boyfriend's got a gun. What will grandparents do?

SPEAKER_02 28:02

Wait, wait. I I the what's funny when the one came to me was not that at all, but that's a good one was everybody run. The homecoming queen's got a gun. Do you know that song? Everybody run. But that's not yours, yours is more appropriate for the scenario. But that's the one that hit my that hit my head. Um Yeah, yeah, that that one fits perfectly too much.

SPEAKER_03 28:26

Jen's three-year-old old three year old years' older boyfriends with a gun.

SPEAKER_02 28:30

Awful. That's terrible. And also, why what like did they let him get away with that? Wait, are you kidding me? I would have committed my kid. If my kid behaved that way, they'd be.

SPEAKER_03 28:40

My Italian, my Italian grandfather, he would not have come over and massaged my shoulders. He would have slapped me across the Yes!

SPEAKER_02 28:48

My my would have taken them out, and then the gun would have been gone. Clearly, I have not got stable enough children in my house to let the weapon.

SPEAKER_03 28:59

He would have put the gun right in my mouth. You want to wave this gun around? Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 29:03

You're you're yeah, that would be scary because he could be an act of it. Sounds like a good sounds like a good granddad.

SPEAKER_03 29:12

What was the name of his wife? He was he was on there. He'd be like, Why why did you do this? You had the gun. He's like, You put a gun in my face.

SPEAKER_02 29:20

Oh no. I'm seeing what's her name in Married to the Mob and what's who's the wife of.

SPEAKER_03 29:25

Oh, those mom movies.

SPEAKER_02 29:26

No, no, but what and Michelle Pfeiffer's uh was Scarface. No, that's a different thing. Married to the Mob is a comedy. And then there's the woman, she's a brilliant star. She was in the Fisher King actress. What is her name? Mercedes Rule? Yeah. Mercedes Rule. She played a mafia's wife in there, and she did it so perfect. Oh, it was so good. And she rips the thing in the grocery store.

SPEAKER_03 29:52

I mean, our story tonight could have been.

SPEAKER_02 29:53

Why can't Mercedes Rule come under our show next week? Ask her. Okay, I'm gonna ask her. If you're listening, Mercedes, I would love to have you.

SPEAKER_03 30:00

I mean, I maybe I was thinking maybe Jen on our show was like dating Al Pacino. Say hello to my little gun.

SPEAKER_02 30:07

Oh, Jen sounds like she had some Al Pacino or some some Miami moments for sure. I think we need to I think we might check out her book.

SPEAKER_03 30:14

Maybe she maybe she would date. Don Johnson could have disarmed her date.

SPEAKER_02 30:18

Oh, I don't think so. He would not have done anything that Mariah. I don't know. I just think he would have, you know, didn't he just fix his hair?

SPEAKER_03 30:28

Like he would just- I can just think he like fixed his hair.

SPEAKER_02 30:30

He would fix his hair and he would re- uh whatever his jacket. He kind of just the jacket and the hair.

SPEAKER_03 30:38

Except boats and jackets.

SPEAKER_02 30:40

I don't I don't remember. It was pastel colors and drugs.

unknown 30:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:44

And uh so there was crime, but I don't remember the crime. I just remember his hair and the coats.

SPEAKER_03 30:50

And one of the eagles guest starred and he sang that song.

SPEAKER_02 30:54

Mmm.

SPEAKER_03 30:55

I remember that one. It was a double episode. It was like it was like, you know, very influenced as a child.

SPEAKER_02 31:00

And I did not, I do not remember that.

SPEAKER_03 31:02

This is cool. Eagles and drugs.

SPEAKER_02 31:06

I feel like John Legizamu was on that show. For like an extra. I don't know. That's silly. Okay, what are we doing next week?

SPEAKER_03 31:13

Next week we have, oh, we've got a great guest next week. Let me give you a hint.

SPEAKER_02 31:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 31:20

Hello, everybody. This is Brian O'Neill from beautiful Florida Keys.

SPEAKER_02 31:25

Ow! It's the guy that introduces us. That's not Mercedes, but it's almost as good.

SPEAKER_03 31:32

He's not gonna tell. I had to tell him the story about when's the last made a date in this town.

SPEAKER_02 31:38

He didn't even remember it.

SPEAKER_03 31:39

Yeah. I'm thinking also for a future episode, getting Dean, who he said it to, and Brian on the show together.

SPEAKER_02 31:47

So we can understand the premise of the show. Yeah, exactly. I like that. I like that a lot. That's a good idea.

SPEAKER_03 31:52

Yeah, we need some conflict on the show.

SPEAKER_02 31:54

More conflict? Oh no.

SPEAKER_03 31:57

Maybe Jen could dig up that Cuban boyfriend. We'll get him on the show. He can fire the gun at his computer screen.

SPEAKER_02 32:05

That is so not okay. That is so not okay.

SPEAKER_03 32:10

We can make gun jokes, though.

SPEAKER_02 32:12

No, we we really shouldn't make gun jokes. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 32:14

Well, I mean the rhythm he had a a gun because he was making up for something else that wasn't quite adequate.

SPEAKER_02 32:20

Oh, we don't know that for sure.

SPEAKER_03 32:24

I think that.

SPEAKER_02 32:25

Well, I think a lot of a lot of men like guns for that reason. There are if you have a guy that's gun crazy, there's usually or a car crazy, there's usually a problem with a feeling of inadequacy. I'm not saying they're inadequate. I'm simply stating they might have some feelings of inadequacy.

SPEAKER_03 32:42

And yes, and you can also like shoot a gun too early, which is a really bad thing for a man to do. It happens, it's okay.

SPEAKER_02 32:49

It doesn't. It's not.

SPEAKER_03 32:50

It happens to everyone. The gun went off.

SPEAKER_02 32:51

It's not it doesn't happen to everyone. It's not normal. You shouldn't have that problem.

SPEAKER_03 32:56

Alright, should we should we say goodbye to folks?

SPEAKER_02 32:58

Okay, we're saying goodbye.

SPEAKER_03 33:00

All right, Jackie, great to see ya.

SPEAKER_02 33:03

Good to see you. Happy trails to you.