DEAN AND DAWES: Law of Diminishing Returns

To appear on the podcast, buy an advertisement or give listener feedback to email thetwodeans@gmail.com or deananddawespodcast@gmail.com Join the Facebook Group: Fans or Listeners of Dean and Dawes or Text Us through the app you listen to the podcast from

=====================================

Show notes

Guest: Terena Scott

Hosted by: Jackie Dawes and Timothy Gager

1)     Dean asks out a woman for his ex-girlfriend who is curious?

2)     Jackie is avoiding disasters

3)     Surgery talk may be great for show’s ratings, even if it’s outside the brand…

4)     Photo of Jackie’s Mom

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kwotxgCw5ElbWY4u8v-gNOv7FQq5thsYqAemBUiJvEA/edit?tab=t.0

5)     Brian O’Neil, from the beautiful Florida Keys wants to work for the show and running for Best Chef

6)     Worst EXE Ever show! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6nrk0bGttMU

7)     LISTENER FEEDBACK

8)     APP TIME---Casino App

Jackie Dawes is a Teacher, writer, ADHD survivor, Imposter …somewhere Ms. Kursman is laughing hysterically.

Timothy “Dean” Gager has published 20 books of fiction and poetry, which includes his latest novel, The Shadows of the Seen, forthcoming with Pierian Springs Press in 2025. He hosted the successful Dire Literary Series in Cambridge, MA from 2001 to 2018, and started a weekly virtual series in 2020. He has had over 1000 works of fiction and poetry published, 18 nominations for the Pushcart Prize. His work also has been nominated twice for a Massachusetts Book Award, The Best of the Web, The Best Small Fictions Anthology and has been read on National Public Radio. 

 The 2 Deans produced by Timothy Gager

Theme song and App Time Jingle written and performed by Delaware’s Aspartame Daddies

If you want MERCH. Dean and Dawes Sweatshirts ($45), and t-shirts ($30)

 The 2 Deans produced by The Oddball Foundation

Theme song and App Time Jingle written and performed by Delaware’s Aspartame Daddies

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Hey everyone, this is Brian O'Neill here in beautiful Florida Keys, and you're listening to the two Deans, Dating, Dread, and Disasters.

SPEAKER_05 0:07

What I really want to ask you all is when's the last time you had a date in this town?

SPEAKER_00 0:11

The following podcast are the opinions and satire of Dean.

SPEAKER_05 0:16

And Dean, and maybe some truth.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

And in no way represents the opinions and lack of satire of anyone else but ourselves.

SPEAKER_05 0:26

But the people might be true. The story you're about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Now you can say what's up.

SPEAKER_02 1:01

Too late. It missed my intro.

SPEAKER_05 1:04

You had a great hello to me before we were recording.

SPEAKER_02 1:09

Oh, no. Do you want to reannounce it? Hi, Dean. No, it's too late.

SPEAKER_05 1:13

Just just talking. Just forget it.

SPEAKER_02 1:17

Alright, what's up, Dean? Give me some stories.

SPEAKER_05 1:20

Oh, I've got a good story for you.

SPEAKER_02 1:22

Alright, let's hear it.

SPEAKER_05 1:24

So an ex of mine contacted me. She lives like two hours away, and she says, I'm gonna take a flight out of Boston with my mom. And would you like to, you know, we got some time to kill when I have a cup of coffee?

SPEAKER_03 1:37

Oh, nice.

SPEAKER_05 1:37

So, yeah, so me, her, my and her mom didn't hate me, which is good for my ex didn't hate me, nor did her mom hate me. So it's all good so far.

SPEAKER_02 1:45

That's amazing. Does that happen often?

SPEAKER_05 1:48

Never.

SPEAKER_02 1:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 1:50

So we're having coffee at this uh microbrewery place that they brew their own beer. The whole place smells like yeast.

SPEAKER_02 1:58

Yuck.

SPEAKER_05 1:59

Yeah, it's really yeasty. It's the yeast of my worries at this point.

SPEAKER_02 2:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 2:05

So uh this one of the brewers comes and she's a very attractive young woman. And it's really obvious, and she's like, How is everything? So I'm like, she's very attractive, probably not heterosexual woman. Okay, just by her voice. You know, I I can people can sense that, right?

SPEAKER_02 2:23

But she goes- I don't think you're allowed to say that, but okay.

SPEAKER_05 2:27

All right, all indications were that she didn't like that.

SPEAKER_02 2:32

You felt like you knew what team they were on based on their looks and the sound, and they were still and they're very and they're a very attractive human.

SPEAKER_05 2:38

They I felt they were not on the Celtics, maybe the Red Sox. So anyway, she goes up to my ex. My ex was wearing this like hat with ears, and she's like, Oh, that's such a cute hat, and like, like, like touched touched her head, and she walked away, and I said, and I was like, She's really into you. Like, and like I I think I think you should go for it.

SPEAKER_02 3:00

I didn't know is your ex a lesbian or bisexual?

SPEAKER_05 3:04

No, not that I know of.

SPEAKER_02 3:06

Oh, well then why would you why would you say that?

SPEAKER_05 3:09

Because it was a because there was a lot of energy in the interaction.

SPEAKER_02 3:12

Okay. So you go see a talk.

SPEAKER_05 3:15

I said, why don't you give her your number? And she was and she got all shy, and she's like, or ask her if she wants your number, and she got a little shy, and then I said, Do you want me to ask her if she wants your number? And she says, You can do that, but wait until I leave. So I said, Okay.

SPEAKER_02 3:34

So she is bisexual.

SPEAKER_05 3:36

Maybe, just maybe curious.

SPEAKER_02 3:39

Okay, alright, I'm listening. Continue. Interesting, I like this.

SPEAKER_05 3:42

So this this whole setup is I'm asking out a woman for my ex-girlfriend. Right.

SPEAKER_02 3:47

I mean, that's this is all incredibly this is not how I thought the conversation was gonna go.

SPEAKER_05 3:51

So I so I uh after work, I go over there and I see her, and I'm like, first thing I say is this is under the category of very, very awkward. But like, you know, my friend, the the my my cute friend, uh, are you interested in having her phone number? And she just big smile, she lights up, and she says, she says, Oh, I'm in a committed relationship with my wife, and I don't cheat. And but you can tell that she was super complimented, and she goes, she goes, wow, she has tell her to have a really great day.

SPEAKER_02 4:27

So she was just she was just liking the hat and and doing her job to get a good tint.

SPEAKER_05 4:33

No, there was a lot of energy there. There was energy.

SPEAKER_02 4:37

Well, you no, no, but flirting sometimes is is it's part of the she might have just been flirting with the hat.

SPEAKER_05 4:43

Is that what you're saying?

SPEAKER_02 4:43

Yeah, no, I'm just saying that it's fun to be a little flirty and silly when you're waiting tables or bartending and stuff, because it's just kind of people remember you, they find you likable. It doesn't necessarily mean you're okay.

SPEAKER_05 4:55

I flirting your hat really attractive.

SPEAKER_02 4:57

Look how cute this hat is because it it's it's a good Can I take your hat home? Hey, tips are all about relationships and and creativity.

SPEAKER_05 5:05

Very true.

SPEAKER_02 5:06

It's it's important, it's an important thing.

SPEAKER_05 5:08

I got a question for you. A few weeks ago, you were vetting somebody that was gonna move in and you were going to go out on a date with the person's reference. Did you ever go out with them for coffee?

SPEAKER_02 5:20

You know, I am supposed to be going on dates so that I can have something to talk about on the show. Um, but actually what I did.

SPEAKER_05 5:27

You're just avoiding disasters.

SPEAKER_02 5:29

Exactly. I'm avoiding disasters. I don't want to be dis So I I I ended up not renting to that person.

SPEAKER_05 5:39

And then yeah, does that mean you can't go out to coffee with a reference?

SPEAKER_02 5:43

Well, it's just that the weekend was very chaotic and I was meeting all these other people. The the place is in a apparently it's a great neighborhood. And people really wanted the house. And so there was a lot for me to do, and it was so stressful for me.

SPEAKER_05 5:57

I think you should go out with this guy before we record our next episode.

SPEAKER_02 6:01

Before the next time, I don't know. I have I have something coming up that's gonna be a little bit it's gonna make it. It's very hard to date when you're about ready to have some kind of a surgery to your body.

SPEAKER_05 6:12

Oh, what kind of surgery are you having?

SPEAKER_02 6:14

We're trying not to talk about it on here. Uh I can't go on to the case.

SPEAKER_05 6:20

We can do before and after pictures of your surgery, and it'll be great. All I can say is it would be great for ratings.

SPEAKER_02 6:27

I don't think it's a good plan for me. My mother listens to this show sometimes.

SPEAKER_05 6:32

She does?

SPEAKER_02 6:33

She would not approve of it.

SPEAKER_05 6:34

Is this a HIPAA violation if your mom finds out?

SPEAKER_02 6:38

Uh, I don't think it's a HIPAA violation because she already knows. She already doesn't approve. She's like, why? You don't need to do that. I'm like, mom.

SPEAKER_05 6:49

And it's actually, it's not what you think. It's basically the type of thing that happens if like it bothers your back or your frame. You're you there's gonna be a little less of you, which is fine.

SPEAKER_02 7:01

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 7:01

Without giving it away at all.

SPEAKER_02 7:03

We're not giving it away at all. Not at all. Yeah, not at all. So yeah, I'm getting a breast reduction. And my mom thinks it's like silly to do that. It's like you don't need to do that. Just get a better bra.

SPEAKER_05 7:13

Does she oh that's not the reason? Does she need to do that?

SPEAKER_02 7:16

You know, the thing is, my mom would totally uh oh she would benefit from a breast reduction.

SPEAKER_05 7:21

My mom You might be able to get a deal.

SPEAKER_02 7:23

My mom had 38 double D's and an 18-inch waist when I was a little girl. Like she looked like Barbie. I'll give you a picture, you can put it in the show notes and she can be in the show notes. She gives a ridiculous shape. Ridiculous shape to this woman. And I I inherited part of these things. I don't have an 18-inch waist, but I'm just simply stating that I don't want to go into my senior years struggling and having to find good, like utilitarian bras.

SPEAKER_05 7:56

Well, you know a lot about like in general, especially since you're you're from LA. Do men get breast reduction surgeries in LA?

SPEAKER_02 8:03

I am from DC.

SPEAKER_05 8:05

All right. Well, you live in LA now, but I do live in LA, and I do not know a I think men get intelligence reduction surgeries in DC.

SPEAKER_02 8:15

Inaccurate. Don't pick on DC. It's just the people visiting right now.

SPEAKER_05 8:20

Um those are our listeners.

SPEAKER_02 8:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 8:24

Only the smart ones listen to us. We're not allowed to listen to the other thing.

SPEAKER_02 8:30

I don't I don't think that, you know, whatever. And I'd be getting this done no matter where I live. It's just a thing.

SPEAKER_05 8:36

You know, it's just a thing.

SPEAKER_02 8:38

But it's hard to date somebody. Like it's hard to plan these dates going, hey, yeah, let's see each other. After that, I won't be around for like, you know, four to six weeks.

SPEAKER_05 8:48

But so we also on will we'll you'll still record with us, right?

SPEAKER_02 8:53

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna record and I can let you know how everything's going.

SPEAKER_05 8:57

And we're gonna let you know, like, how your performance was before and after. You might it might be make a better show.

SPEAKER_02 9:03

My performance?

SPEAKER_05 9:05

Or your your show, like how you is it do are we performers?

SPEAKER_02 9:09

I I I don't think that I do much with my my boobs on the show. I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 9:15

No, you don't have to be able to do that. No, that would be really bad.

SPEAKER_02 9:17

I mean, that would be like that would be like I'm I am going, I think I'm going to a C cup, so I will be different, but I don't know as one of our listeners said to the show.

SPEAKER_05 9:26

As one of our listeners says, that's outside the brand of our show.

SPEAKER_02 9:29

Oh no, we are going off brand. What's that guy's name?

SPEAKER_05 9:33

Lok. We're going off brand for Luke.

SPEAKER_02 9:35

Loke, dude, super sorry. I rim. But it is part of dating. I don't feel comfortable dating. I'm like, I don't want to start something just so that I have to stop and go, okay, I'm going on a break for a while.

SPEAKER_05 9:48

So our guest uh two weeks ago, uh Brian O'Neill for Hi everyone, I'm Brian O'Neill, the Wicker Furniture Show.

SPEAKER_02 9:56

When was the last time you got a date in this town, Brian?

SPEAKER_05 9:58

When was the last time? So he's really gung-ho on the show. And I don't really know. Yeah, like he wants to be our Key West correspondence, like man on the street, ask people questions.

SPEAKER_02 10:10

Okay, I think we should do that. And then one day we can podcast from the Keys from Hemingway's house, because I really want to see that.

SPEAKER_05 10:19

Let's do that. Um, but like it's I have like 30,000 texts from him today about it.

SPEAKER_02 10:24

So I uh I just think you're gonna let him be a correspondent?

SPEAKER_05 10:27

I'm gonna say just send me some MP3s, I'll see what I can do.

SPEAKER_02 10:31

Oh, okay. Brian from the Keys telling us how the dating's going there.

SPEAKER_05 10:36

It's only a 30-minute show. We can't do a 40-minute correspondence person.

SPEAKER_02 10:40

But he's single, right?

SPEAKER_05 10:42

I believe so, yes.

SPEAKER_02 10:43

So then he could be going out on dates and he could take us with him or something.

SPEAKER_05 10:47

That would be great. You imagine being ran into another house of wicker.

SPEAKER_02 10:52

What did she say? What did she say? Wait, so hold on.

SPEAKER_05 10:55

Hold on. Speak into my lapel.

unknown 10:59

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 11:00

We could be giving a play-by-play and saying how it goes.

SPEAKER_05 11:03

We could be like we could be like Serena de Bergiac. We could be in the back, we can be on the door.

SPEAKER_02 11:08

We could give him the words he needs to say.

SPEAKER_05 11:10

Don't order onion rings. They make you gassy. You know?

SPEAKER_02 11:15

Compliment her hair.

SPEAKER_05 11:18

That's great. Remember, she's lactose intolerance. Do not split the meringue pie.

SPEAKER_02 11:24

Lactose intolerance!

SPEAKER_05 11:27

But anyway, I one thing I noticed about Brian last week is on his social media, he has something you can go online and vote for him as your favorite chef.

SPEAKER_02 11:37

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 11:38

But we already have a favorite chef, so I don't think we can vote for him. We've got chef Peter.

SPEAKER_02 11:42

Oh, we got the other guy. So wait, Brian's a chef too, huh?

SPEAKER_05 11:45

He is he used to own a uh he used to own a bed and breakfast up in Maine.

SPEAKER_02 11:50

Freezing! Okay, so what is he doing in the keys? He's the chef for who or for what?

SPEAKER_05 11:54

He must be cooking if he's gonna if he's actually getting like best chef in Florida.

SPEAKER_02 12:00

He must be cooking something good. I think he could be, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 12:03

He's a good chef.

SPEAKER_02 12:04

He should definitely have to broadcast from the keys.

SPEAKER_05 12:07

I've got a good idea.

SPEAKER_02 12:09

What?

SPEAKER_05 12:10

How he can contribute to the show, he can go to the locations of our guests and cater.

SPEAKER_02 12:16

No.

SPEAKER_05 12:17

Like our guest, our guests.

SPEAKER_02 12:19

Remember the show where the guy goes to cook the dinner for him and the guy flipped out and almost hit him with his pan?

SPEAKER_05 12:24

Yeah, I remember that one. But can you imagine? Like, okay, we're gonna call on our guests now. Hold on a second. Hold on, catering here.

SPEAKER_02 12:32

Landshark.

SPEAKER_05 12:34

It'd be fantastic. Alright, so to make the to deaden the mood a bit, um I've been watching this show, The Worst X Ever on Netflix.

SPEAKER_02 12:46

I've been watching it. I know what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_05 12:49

And these are these are disasters that we can't use.

SPEAKER_02 12:53

No.

SPEAKER_05 12:53

Maybe we could.

SPEAKER_02 12:54

We could, but we'd end up like in court or you know, as a witness to something. It's it's no, but that's not a great things have gotten bad on the worst ex ever. It's like it's it's like Jeffrey used to be like the kind of worst ex ever.

SPEAKER_05 13:08

Yeah, it used to be like he left the toilet seat up, right, in season one.

SPEAKER_02 13:11

Yeah, like he was really bad guy and he stole all my money and I hated him. He was so mean, he's such a narcissist, and now it's like, well, he killed four people.

SPEAKER_05 13:18

Yeah, he killed four people. He kidnapped me at nice point.

SPEAKER_02 13:23

Right. It's it's gotten different.

SPEAKER_05 13:25

It's so those are not disaster dates, those are more forensic dates. So the show is sort of morphed from worst ex ever to I am a murderer.

SPEAKER_02 13:34

Uh I am a murderer. I dated a murderer. Yeah, it has now become I dated a murderer. True.

SPEAKER_05 13:41

So we're not recommending this show for humor.

SPEAKER_02 13:44

Uh, not for hum not for humor, but it's it's good background.

SPEAKER_05 13:48

You know what would be good to get some of those bad guys directly from jail and they can tell their side of the story, and then we can we can make that funny as hell.

SPEAKER_02 13:56

Do you think they let people in jail listen to podcasts?

SPEAKER_05 13:59

Yeah, with their with their burner phones, of course.

SPEAKER_02 14:03

Do we have listeners? Do you think we have listeners from prison?

SPEAKER_05 14:06

If you're in prison and you want to appear on our show, go to thetudeans at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_02 14:11

And send us an email or dean and dawespodcast at gmail.com. Send us an email and we'll figure out a time and you can like, you know.

SPEAKER_05 14:18

Or voicemail. You could be like, I'm inmate13527, and uh before the guards come, I just have to say, I just have to say something like the phone gets hit in the case. They could let us know.

SPEAKER_02 14:28

They could be like, if I just hadn't dated Jenny from I don't know, wherever. If I had it, it's all her fault. She's the one who's here.

SPEAKER_05 14:37

Oh that would be she didn't dress the way you wanted.

SPEAKER_02 14:40

Oh, that's how did he go to jail for that?

SPEAKER_05 14:43

He went to jail, he was a steroid dude. You remember that episode? He was on steroids, he had roid rage, and then he ended up like a child.

SPEAKER_02 14:49

Oh, we really did have somebody who ended up in jail, didn't we? Yeah. I mean, I've dated a guy who's been arrested. Do you think most guys have been arrested? What do you think the percentage of men uh being arrested in their arrested in general? It's just arrested in general. Even DeFi arrested. What do you think?

SPEAKER_05 15:06

70.

SPEAKER_02 15:07

70% of men are arrested at the same time.

SPEAKER_05 15:09

Oh, I guess the men I know it's 70. I guess let's rewind. Maybe it's closer to 50.

SPEAKER_02 15:14

I don't think my father was ever arrested.

SPEAKER_05 15:16

I was arrested once.

SPEAKER_02 15:18

Wow. Tricky.

SPEAKER_05 15:20

Yeah, alcohol was part of that equation.

SPEAKER_02 15:21

Let me think of the people. My ex-husband was definitely arrested. My last boyfriend definitely. One before that, no, the doctor. I don't think the doctor was ever arrested.

SPEAKER_05 15:31

He could have been arrested. He should have been arrested.

SPEAKER_02 15:33

And I don't think the other doctor, like the the C.

SPEAKER_05 15:36

How we prescribed those drugs were probably a felony.

SPEAKER_02 15:39

True. Oh no, no, I definitely he he should he should have some struggles. But is he listening? I doubt it. Although if he is, hey, miss you.

SPEAKER_05 15:48

Jackie's mom is gonna get you for that.

SPEAKER_02 15:52

I hope you read the book. Um no, we're really ridiculous.

SPEAKER_05 15:58

We have some listener feedback. Speaking of ridiculous, listener feedback is totally ridiculous this week. So we released the the gun episode a couple weeks ago, and the sound was really poor and the vibe, and I actually fixed it, so it's good. It sort of overmodulates at times, but you can hear everybody. And so someone wrote, glad you fixed the gun episode. But what is it with you and guns? I guess that's a nod to my last novel, The Gun Book.

SPEAKER_02 16:25

No, I mean you did write a great book that involved guns, but maybe we've had more than one episode about guns? No, that's do you think it's about the the the uh shadows? The my brain isn't thinking about it.

SPEAKER_05 16:37

I someone that I know that found the gun episode and also that and also knows that Shadows of the Scene is about the gun epidemic, so well dollars and eighty one cents on Amazon.

SPEAKER_02 16:51

Good plug. Do you own any guns, Tim?

SPEAKER_05 16:53

I do not.

SPEAKER_02 16:54

You don't own guns. And yet about uh I'm not telling anyone because if anyone shows up at my house, I don't want them to know what to think. I would like to do it.

SPEAKER_05 17:04

Okay, I mean I I might be.

SPEAKER_02 17:05

I'm gonna surprise them with whatever I have. I don't know if everyone who knows me knows I hate guns. I hate guns too, but but they hurt people, and I don't I'm not a big fan, but would I own one for protection? I don't know. My dad owned one, my mother and I did not when I was a kid.

SPEAKER_05 17:22

Uh second piece of listener feedback.

SPEAKER_02 17:25

I believe in your right to own one.

SPEAKER_05 17:27

Yeah, I do too.

SPEAKER_02 17:28

But I also think there should be a lot of restrictions.

SPEAKER_05 17:30

I think my town, I think my town's in a form of militia at my house. We can have I'll bring all our guns for the militia.

SPEAKER_02 17:38

Neither one of us like guns, so I know we're having this conversation.

SPEAKER_05 17:42

All right.

SPEAKER_02 17:43

What's up?

SPEAKER_05 17:44

Dear Dean and Dawes, you took a blah episode. It was one-dimensional about the wicker furniture. That was last week's with Brian O'Neill, and made it damn funny. Yeah, we did kind of go off a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 17:55

Who's giving you this feedback?

SPEAKER_05 17:57

People that like us.

SPEAKER_02 17:58

Yeah, but who says one-dimensional when they're giving feedback?

SPEAKER_05 18:02

I just added that one-dimensional.

SPEAKER_02 18:04

I was gonna say, that doesn't sound like you're you giving us our own feedback, Tim.

SPEAKER_05 18:08

Well, if I read the let the email's kind of like you took a blah episode and made it really damn funny, and no one will know what it's talking about.

SPEAKER_02 18:14

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 18:15

So I said the one-dimensional episode on the wicker. Much better.

SPEAKER_02 18:19

You know, I don't know that it was one-dimensional. I think we found out a lot about Brian.

SPEAKER_05 18:23

I mean, if he's Brian was a good guest.

SPEAKER_02 18:26

He was a great guest. He may not be a good correspondent.

SPEAKER_05 18:30

He might not be a good correspondent.

SPEAKER_02 18:32

He might not be a good boyfriend.

SPEAKER_05 18:34

He might be the best chef in Key West.

SPEAKER_02 18:36

Could be.

SPEAKER_05 18:37

Could be. Are we ready for app time?

SPEAKER_02 18:40

I hope so. Are you ready to play the song?

SPEAKER_03 18:49

I thought it was queued up!

SPEAKER_05 18:53

Wow, the Bluetooth kind of the Bluetooth kind of kicked in halfway through it.

SPEAKER_02 18:56

It was so good though. It was ready. It started on time.

SPEAKER_05 19:00

Well, we're we're we're on our losing street with the app time jingle. We have to we have to get hot again.

SPEAKER_02 19:06

We're gonna have to start singing our own song or something.

SPEAKER_05 19:08

So are you ready for this app to make a lot of money? Because it's a lot of fun.

SPEAKER_02 19:12

Okay, I think people like to have fun and they like to make money.

SPEAKER_05 19:16

So here's the deal: you don't message for people that hate texting and messaging during these dating apps, there's no texting and messaging involved.

SPEAKER_02 19:26

Okay, I like that.

SPEAKER_05 19:28

What you do is you when you match with people, yeah, and they match with you, and there's you have you get five, it's called casino app. You spin a wheel.

SPEAKER_02 19:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 19:40

Or they spin a wheel for you, and whoever it lands on, that's your days. Then you can text them.

SPEAKER_02 19:47

So you already know you're going to be going on a date. You've now committed and you're obligated to go on a date with this person?

SPEAKER_05 19:53

Yes. I'm really distracted by that. Are you flying a kite?

SPEAKER_02 19:56

There's a white string that you're No, I'm sitting in the window.

SPEAKER_04 20:01

Oh, it's the blinds. So you were flying a kite while we were recording. Or a balloon or something.

SPEAKER_02 20:09

Our poor app just got totally derailed. Wait. So I'm not sure that this app is gonna do well because people like to have a choice. I mean, there's something exciting about spin the bottle. You know what?

SPEAKER_05 20:22

Spin the bottle.

SPEAKER_02 20:23

There is something spin the bottle, but there's something actually good about like, okay, you pick the person and I don't have to think about it, and I just have to go on this date. And I'll know within five minutes of the date whether or not it's gonna be uh romantic or if it's just gonna be something friendly and nice. So there's something to be said about that, actually, Tim. To not have to think about it. Like it's it's casino night, boom, okay, here's my date.

SPEAKER_05 20:45

And you can actually put odds on it too. Like I'm two to one with this guy, this guy, 17 to 1.

SPEAKER_02 20:51

Like you can get a terrible, terrible date, but at least you didn't have to think about it or put a lot of time into it, and then you don't have to do all those, like that in-between, like forward. Should we talk? Should we have a zoom call? Bleed blah da blee. No, just go on the date and then like try to get out of the date as soon as possible.

SPEAKER_05 21:10

So we've got a guest.

SPEAKER_02 21:12

We do have a guest, and we should bring them on.

SPEAKER_05 21:16

So our guest tonight, live from San Francisco, Torina. Torina! How are you?

SPEAKER_01 21:23

Hi Torina. Hi. Thanks for coming. Thanks for inviting me. This is fun.

SPEAKER_05 21:29

So, yeah, we know a little bit about your date. You kind of filled us in a bit, but let's let's bring let's bring us bring us through it a little bit a little slower. Because we we said basically we had like 30 seconds. We're like, tell us about your date in 30 seconds.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

So uh this happened quite a while back in the 90s when San Francisco was awesome and Edinburgh Castle was still around.

SPEAKER_05 21:51

You know, baby.

SPEAKER_01 21:52

Yeah. And so um, unfortunately, a friend of mine died. Um So I went I went I went to his wake at Edinburgh's Castle. Lots of friends.

SPEAKER_05 22:06

It's a nice place for a wake.

SPEAKER_01 22:08

It was really fun. You know, people an Irish bar in San Francisco? I'm sorry? It's an Irish bar in San Francisco? Well, uh, Scottish Celts. It's a Celtic bar. Got it. Okay. Yeah. So um people brought instruments. There was lots of drinking. And um I started talking to this um guy who was a mutual friend. And um we were chatting, he's buying me a Guinness, I'm buying him Guinness. We're getting it's getting along really great. And then uh all of a sudden, uh, another friend of mine picked me up and put me in his lap and said, give him a lap dance. And and then she's grinding on him, and I'm like, okay, so I'm grinding on him. And she's never been.

SPEAKER_02 22:49

I have never had a lap dance at a wake before in my life. Jam, have you ever had a lap dance at a wake?

SPEAKER_05 22:56

No, I'm afraid. I'm I'm afraid that things wouldn't be dead down there.

SPEAKER_02 23:02

Oh my so it was this a normal, did you guys look at it?

SPEAKER_05 23:06

Wait, wait, wait. Were you standing out or was this Yeah, was it in the middle of everything? Like was the was the deceased's mother there or was the deceased? Oh no, no. Or was she the one that put them on the lake?

SPEAKER_01 23:18

They're all in the chairs, everyone's facing the coffin. This is at a bar, the family isn't there, this is all the friends. Okay, the celebration. Okay, but was his body there? Because at a wake. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_05 23:32

Somebody's body was there.

SPEAKER_01 23:33

Okay, but there were some bodies. Bodies were there. There were some bodies and we were dancing and rubbing, and it was great. Okay. Um, so then he said, Well, after that, I gotta get your phone number. It would, you know, be rude not to. I'm like, yeah, great, let's do that. So set up a date for the following week, and I'm, you know, pretty excited. This is like, wow, we we we hit it off really well. This is gonna be a great day.

SPEAKER_05 23:56

Was he expecting more lap dances or you did start out at like second base? And did he also ask out your friend? Because you both were apparently it sounded really brief like both of you were lap dancing him.

SPEAKER_01 24:09

Yeah, um, well, she she was not interested in boys. Okay you go. So you know that that would not have been.

SPEAKER_05 24:17

So you're the prize winner.

SPEAKER_01 24:18

I I was ding ding ding ding ding. She um, yeah. So um we uh it's the following week, we meet, and um the energy is completely different. You'd think in a wake it would be depressing. We took the bus, the Muni, to head out to North Beach to go to a different pub, and um he just starts telling me all about his ex-girlfriend, and and then the one before that, and the one before that, and why relationships never work out for him, and was just like, as I'm listening, I'm I'm like, oh my god, oh no.

SPEAKER_05 24:55

And then we walk into this other Irish And so far, the bus might have been the worst part of the date, though.

SPEAKER_01 25:01

The date's been tolerable, but yeah, it was just we walk into an Irish pub and he's he just sighs and he's like, My ex was Irish, and I'm like, oh my god.

unknown 25:14

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_02 25:17

Does she work there?

SPEAKER_01 25:19

No, no. It turned out I knew her though, because we have a lot of mutual friends, so I was like, oh yeah, I know her. And he's like, uh no, she knows everybody. I mean, he's just like a gloomy, gloomy guss.

SPEAKER_05 25:31

He made a costly error. Either you should have you should have gone to the same Irish bar that you met at, right? Yeah. Or gone to a strip joint. Yeah, seriously.

SPEAKER_02 25:43

Yes, but oh, that's very sad.

SPEAKER_01 25:48

So at the end, we've I stuck. I mean, we had I you know did my we're here. I'm I'm polite. He's nice, he's not creepy, but it was just like it got it was just bizarre to me because I'm like, wait, I met you at a wake and you were happy, and now we're at a happy bar and you're depressed. This is bizarre. Was his name Eeyore?

SPEAKER_04 26:05

Eeyore. Eeyore. Oh, I don't know about my ex-girlfriend.

SPEAKER_01 26:12

So at the end of the night, we went back to his house and um just and um he wanted, oh, you want to come in? And I was like, no, and I reached out and I shook his hand and I walked away.

SPEAKER_02 26:22

Oh, he didn't even get a kiss, but he'd already made it to second base. Had you kissed him?

SPEAKER_01 26:27

I know, I think we went backwards.

SPEAKER_02 26:29

Did you did you kiss him at the wake?

SPEAKER_01 26:32

No, no, no, kiss at the wheel. Well, I never rhymed and kiss. That's you know it, got it.

SPEAKER_05 26:37

That was called reversal of fortune, I think.

SPEAKER_02 26:39

It was it was a reversal of fortune. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_05 26:44

Diminishing replies. What's that? The law of diminishing returns.

SPEAKER_01 26:51

Yep.

SPEAKER_05 26:52

Yeah, I I mean it it could have been a really great date. Like, it just it what happened?

SPEAKER_02 26:59

Do you find did you know what happened to him? What happened since you have friends in common?

SPEAKER_05 27:03

Okay, he was seen crying all over. Oh, there's something else.

SPEAKER_01 27:08

What happened? Tell me. Okay. I married him.

unknown 27:13

What?

SPEAKER_01 27:14

Oh, wait, you say that to last?

SPEAKER_02 27:20

So clearly, you did see him again.

SPEAKER_01 27:25

I did. I felt I felt sorry for him. He apologized. He's like, I'm so sorry. Can I just I'd love to take you to dinner? Can we try this again? I'm like, I mean, he's really sweet and I knew him, like kind of through the gray fun. I'm like, okay, yeah. And that was better. And then a couple years later, we got married, but then we're now we're divorced, but so ultimately.

SPEAKER_02 27:44

Oh, a whole full circle! And I divorced him. And then you divorced him.

SPEAKER_05 27:49

Did you replay the lap dances at the wedding?

SPEAKER_02 27:53

Sorry.

SPEAKER_05 27:54

Did you replay the lap dance scene at the wedding?

SPEAKER_01 27:59

Uh no, but we did. He was a he was in the circus, he was a juggler, and so we walked through uh fire together. That was pretty cool.

SPEAKER_04 28:07

Talk about burying the lady.

SPEAKER_01 28:09

He's a juggler.

SPEAKER_02 28:12

A juggler that's gloomy? You can't have a gloomy gust juggler.

SPEAKER_04 28:16

Oh, I keep dropping the balls. Damn, my ex used to juggle with me.

SPEAKER_02 28:23

Wow. Was it a traveling circus? No, what's he a juggler for? A street performer? What?

SPEAKER_01 28:30

Local local kids' theater kind of circus. Yeah, yeah. That is so cute.

SPEAKER_05 28:35

It's so San Francisco. Did he juggle on the street for money?

SPEAKER_02 28:39

He went occasionally, yeah. And did you did you why why did you get divorced? Are we allowed to ask, or is that too personal? Um, just life.

SPEAKER_01 28:48

I mean, we were we were married for 19 years. Yeah, yeah, right. And then just, you know, life kind of went sideways and that happens.

SPEAKER_05 28:57

It's hard to juggle marriage in a busy life.

SPEAKER_02 29:00

I'm divorced. You're divorced, right, Dean? Yeah. Everyone's divorced here.

SPEAKER_05 29:04

Everybody.

SPEAKER_02 29:05

It says a lot about your divorce. I do not mind it.

SPEAKER_05 29:08

I'm a champion for not wanting to be remarried.

SPEAKER_02 29:11

Oh, yeah. No. Yeah, I'm okay with that too. I'm okay with however that rolls. That's that doesn't bother me.

SPEAKER_05 29:17

We have a new show. It can be the Dean and Dawes, the divorce hour. Our guests are all divorced.

SPEAKER_02 29:24

We can make sure we can make sure. Well, they've had disasters. We've got them in the right direction.

SPEAKER_05 29:31

So are you still friends with him? It sounds like you're in great friendship. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:35

Yeah, yeah. And um, I have a daughter from uh the my first marriage, and he's he's a great stepdad and wonderful dad, and yeah, it just didn't work out between us ultimately, but he's still really cool. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 29:50

Good. And that is a happy ending. But talk about burying the lead, that was awesome.

SPEAKER_02 29:55

Oh, I know you got us good, Tarina.

SPEAKER_05 29:59

All right, Tarina, thanks so much for your appearance.

SPEAKER_02 30:02

Thanks for coming in, Tarina.

SPEAKER_05 30:04

You're an awesome guest.

SPEAKER_02 30:05

Come back and tell us more stories. Okay, I have another marriage. Bye. I like to keep everybody busy.

SPEAKER_05 30:15

Yeah, this the second husband used to put his head in the lion's mouth. Ah.

SPEAKER_02 30:20

Oh, maybe.

SPEAKER_05 30:24

So wow, that's a pretty good, pretty fun show tonight.

SPEAKER_02 30:27

I think so. I like I liked her story. That's a good story.

SPEAKER_05 30:30

And we've got some good guests coming up. Maybe one of my exes might be on the show.

SPEAKER_02 30:35

Ah, and are we gonna get to talk about your relationship?

SPEAKER_05 30:37

No, because it wasn't a disaster. It wasn't a disaster.

SPEAKER_02 30:40

Come on. I asked my ex to come on the show.

SPEAKER_05 30:43

I know about all of her disaster dates, though.

SPEAKER_02 30:47

Within, are you gonna be bored?

SPEAKER_05 30:49

No, no, I won't be bored.

SPEAKER_02 30:50

Are they good disasters? Are we gonna love them?

SPEAKER_05 30:52

Oh, they're great disasters.

SPEAKER_02 30:55

Alright. That sounds like a good plan.

SPEAKER_05 30:56

They're Titanic disasters.

SPEAKER_02 30:59

Oh dear.

SPEAKER_05 31:00

Like you know, the band is she's the band that's still playing, and mmm.

SPEAKER_02 31:06

And she's gonna stay on to the very end. She's gonna hang on.

SPEAKER_05 31:10

Yeah, it's like the movie. Hold on, hold on. Oh, they let go. Oh, he's dead. Like.

SPEAKER_02 31:16

Oh dear.

SPEAKER_05 31:17

Yeah, that's the worst, that's some of the worst lines in movie history.

SPEAKER_02 31:21

Which one is this? Oh God, he's dead? I don't remember.

SPEAKER_05 31:24

No, no. Uh what was what was uh Leonardo's character's name? Yeah, usually we get listener feedback that I don't even read on the air with all caps that says, This is a comedy show. Stop talking about blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_02 31:36

Just turn us off when we're done with the story.

SPEAKER_05 31:39

So alright, so we're done, we're done with the episode.

SPEAKER_02 31:41

We're done, we're done with everything. Let's go say goodnight.

SPEAKER_05 31:44

All right. Jackie, see you next week.

SPEAKER_02 31:47

Bye.

SPEAKER_05 31:48

And we'll talk soon, all right.

SPEAKER_02 31:49

So much trouble. Bye.

SPEAKER_05 31:51

So much trouble.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

Dun dun dun dungeon.