From Trauma to Triumph: My Story

In this deeply personal first episode, Erin Hutchinson opens up about the raw, unfiltered journey that shaped her into the woman and healer she is today. From navigating a difficult childhood and the heartbreaking loss of her best friend to battling a decade-long opioid addiction and finding recovery, Erin shares the pivotal moments that led her from survival to spiritual awakening. She talks about meeting her husband in recovery, the painful path through infertility, and the emotional rollercoaster of postpartum depression and anxiety.

Through it all, Erin discovered purpose in her pain—leading to the creation of The Bohemian, a spiritual gift shop and community space built to help others heal. This episode is a powerful reminder that even the darkest chapters can become the foundation for something beautiful.

Transcript

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Before we get started, I want to ask you to let your body relax a little bit. Unclench your jaw, let your shoulders fall, and take a deep heart-centered breath. The idea of having a podcast has been living inside me for a long time. Honestly, there were days that I wasn't sure I would ever do it just out of fear, but I'm excited that I have the courage to finally bring it to life. And here we are. So if you're listening, thank you. Like truly, truly thank you for being here. In this very first episode, I'm going to share some of my story. And a lot of parts of that are not easy to talk about. trauma, recovery, mental health-related struggles. And I do want to say that I'm not a therapist, a doctor, or anything like that. I'm just someone who has walked through the dark and somehow found my way back to the light. And I'm sharing because I believe deep in my bones that when we tell the truth about what we have survived, we might make it easier for someone else to breathe. Along the way, I'll share some resources that have helped me, but please listen to your heart first. If anything feels too heavy, it's okay to take a break, skip ahead, reach out for support. You matter. You always come first here. My life has been shaped by both the storms and the miracles. From deep grief and struggle to spiritual experiences that to this day still give me goosebumps. And every chapter, even the painful ones, has had a place in building exactly who I am today. And if there's one thing I hope that you take from this today, it's that your story matters. Every single part of it. Spirituality became my lifeline when I needed it most. After years of feeling lost and Just looking for any connection to something more powerful than me. When I finally did find it and identify it and mind you, it is ever changing. It changed everything for me. So I think whatever you want to call it, whatever it looks like for you. I hope that by me interviewing these people and asking them about their very unique experiences that maybe it helps guide you on your journey a little bit to finding that connection for yourself. That's really what this podcast is all about. I want to explore the many ways we can connect, heal, and find meaning no matter where you're starting from. There's no judgment. There's no rules. Just real conversations with real people about their personal journeys. So thanks again from the bottom of my heart for listening. I'm honored to walk this little piece of your path with you, and I'm just so excited. So I would personally describe myself as a spiritual, not religious person. And honestly, when I sat down to define exactly what spirituality even means to me, I realized that it's not that simple. I actually Googled it and believe it or not, the definition that resonated the most with me came from Wikipedia. It says spirituality can be defined generally as an individual search for ultimate or sacred meaning and purposes. in life. And when I read that one, it really did click for me because that's what it feels like to me. It's a personal search, a connection to something greater, whatever that looks like to each of us. It's an individual experience. So I want to be very clear. I am not enlightened. I'm not a guru by any means. I've just had some pretty amazing experiences and I'm going to share just a couple of them with you guys through this episode. But even more than just telling you about mine, I want to encourage you to notice the things in your life that might fall into this category too. Because using spirituality as a tool in my mental health toolbox has been one of the most powerful things I've ever experienced. You know, like when life just brings you to your knees and you have this opportunity to lean on something just to get through. Um, I think part of healing, especially as adults, is giving ourselves permission to fall sometimes and letting those lessons find us after and sort of searching and questioning. For me, spirituality shows up in small but powerful ways. I've gotten what I call signs or nudges from my spirit guides. I personally see hawks all the time, red-tailed hawks to be specific, at just the right moments. Or I catch 11-11 or Thank you. two, two, two, especially when I'm like wrestling with something or I have like a fork in the road in my life. And sometimes it's just the synchronicities, like having a random conversation with someone about something very specific, like a purple crayon. And then an hour later, a movie pops up that has purple crayon in the title. You know, just like those weird little things that sometimes make you stop and wonder, like, was that a coincidence? Am I crazy? Or was it just a reminder that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be? That maybe, just maybe I'm following my destiny and I'm on the right path. I personally try to just trust my gut with it because as someone who gets stuck in my head very easily, these little spiritual nudges help pull me back down to earth and just help me stay grounded. They remind me that while, yes, I have free will and I still have a lot of work to do on myself, I'm also being supported and cared for and there's something bigger at play. So I personally love those little reassurances. And I love the thought that I'm not entirely in control. That's actually really comforting to me. Some people believe that their loved ones visit them through cardinals or butterflies or dragonflies. Some people believe in just paying it forward or the law of attraction or in those like uncanny days when you hit every green light without even trying. And at the end of the day, it's up to us to decide what works for us, what feels right in our gut and our soul. And are those just weird coincidences or are they finally those little miracles that now that we're awake, we can notice? Either way, it's a beautiful thing to pay attention to. I was born in Maryland in the late 80s. And Honestly, I have some of the best memories of growing up there. We had block parties and I remember staying up super late on snow days because it would be melted by the next morning. So I remember making snow angels and just like really good, really good times there. But I also have one of my first memories of anxiety from around that same time. And I was like five and a half years old. We packed up everything into a U-Haul and moved back to New Hampshire. And I remember so vividly right before we were about to leave. I was sitting by the front door at our house in Maryland and curled up in like a fetal position and just physically sick and like feverish all of a sudden. And I didn't have the words for it back then, but now I know that it was anxiety. I was probably having an anxiety attack. Yeah, but I don't know. I think just like... School was definitely a mixed bag for me. I loved like the social side of it. I love playing sports, being part of a team, but academics have always been a struggle. It wasn't until much later in life that I was actually like my late 20s that I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder. And even later after that, ADHD. And now I laugh about it. Like, see, Mom, I wasn't just the class clown or not putting in the effort. Like, I was actually chemically imbalanced. And being one of the youngest in my class did not help either. I was always just a little bit behind and always trying to keep up. But after moving to New Hampshire... I jumped right into Girl Scouts, soccer, softball, and almost immediately met my best friend in the whole world, Vanessa. Our brothers were also best friends, so that was a bonus. I was over there all the time, and her mom became like a second mom to me, and she still is to this day. When we were 19 in... 2006 um vanessa was in a single car fatal accident um there were a lot of unanswered questions about why it happened how did she crash why was she in that area a lot of stuff and after a two and a half year investigation it turned out one of her tires had failed and um And honestly, still just a lot of unanswered questions, but yeah, that was really hard to deal with, and it still is. I remember going to the crash site afterwards, and I saw her hair on the ground. And I know that sounds really graphic to say, but it's real. It hit me. really hard because i knew how much she valued her hair and her appearance um and just thinking about how upset she would have been to know that um we used to call each other dog and even just like sharing that with you guys like it helps keep her memory alive so i might like refer to her as dog throughout this episode um But yeah, that was one of those moments that just like changes you as a person. And then about six months later, we lost another close family friend named Andrew Campbell, a.k.a. Soup. I had visited them both on life support and literally like hours before they took their last breaths and, you know, watching them. the life support machine breathe for them. And, um, you know, two people that I loved so much and that had been a part of my life for so long. Um, just the mortality of it all, like really messed with me. Um, and even though legally I was an adult at that point, I was emotionally still very much a child. Uh, I didn't know what then, but that's, that would, that's when I would say my PTSD really, uh, set in. And years later, I would come to understand like why I have certain triggers and such as like fear of driving at night on the highway when it's raining and just certain conditions. It would just send me into like a full blown panic attack without warning. And if you've ever experienced PTSD, my heart is with you. It's not just something you get over or like, suck up. It lives in your body and your mind and especially in your nervous system. And it is no joke. So before I move on, I just want to say this. If you or someone you love is struggling with PTSD or any mental health crisis, for that matter, please know that there is help. You can call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org. You are never alone in this and you always matter. Even way back in 2006, I started noticing signs and I didn't even necessarily know what to call them. I remember seeing 1111 everywhere. And she would... Vanessa or my dog would say like literally the whole time I knew her, like it's 11, 11, make a wish. And I'd be like, Oh my God, it's 11, 11, twice a day, every single day. What are the odds that you're going to see it every now and then? And I was almost like the cynic in our relationship. And, um, now I just find that hilarious. Um, cause here we are. But one of the weirdest, clearest memories I have tied to my dog is We were– it was summertime. We were up at my camp up in Maine. My family has a camp up there that's been in my mom's family like forever. And we were doing like a talent show and Vanessa and I picked All Star from Smash Mouth, which is so cringe to think about it now. But we were like 13, so whatever. And that song, so freaking goofy, already outdated. It kept following me after she passed away. So this is like many years later. We heard it in the car on the way to her funeral. We heard it again on the way to her wake. And it wasn't a song that was on the radio a lot. It wasn't popular anymore. It was just like the weirdest thing. I remember sitting with my parents after everything was said and done and we're like, that was like really weird, right? And we all kind of had this like questionable look on our face. And there were other things too, like Vanessa was late for everything. I mean, literally her whole life. I would lie to her about when I was outside so that she would start like hustling to get ready. But literally her whole life, always running behind. And then on the day of her funeral, the hearse got into a minor car accident and she was literally late to her own funeral. Like you cannot make that up. And at the time, I was trying to find things to kind of explain it all away or just think that, you know, it's just coincidences or bad luck or whatever. But in the back of my mind, I was always curious and wondering, like, is there some connection here? Yeah, maybe there's just something bigger at work. But also hoping something was connecting us, you know, after she was gone. So in high school, I went through a vocational program for cosmetology. And that ended up being my career for 14 years. And I was super passionate about it. I pretty much always knew that a traditional four-year college or university just was not for me for a lot of reasons. And looking back, I'm super grateful that I had that clarity early on. Over the course of my life, I was also that person in my family that would constantly have random surgeries or medical stuff, accidents. I had like my wisdom teeth, biopsies, tonsils, appendix, you name it. And I also used to faint all the time as a child. So, you know, when I look back at it now between the medical trauma, emotional trauma and and being prescribed narcotics so young, it wasn't surprising that I ended up with a full-blown opiate habit by the age of 20. And I've never really spoken publicly about that and my addiction. I honestly just have fear of being seen differently, labeled, misunderstood, um, But I've decided I am done hiding from it. So take me as I am. I am going to use this platform to really break that silence because my story deserves to be told with truth and not shame. And today I get to say something that I never would have thought possible, especially back then. Um, As of November 2024, I celebrated 10 years clean, 10 years free of all mood and mind-altering substances, 10 years of showing up for myself, even when it was messy, even when it was hard, and really putting some work in. And I'm so proud of that. For me, I believe in complete abstinence from all drugs along with a 12-step fellowship, and that's what's kept me grounded and given me the life that I have today. Before I move forward, I do want to say to any of my colleagues or clients who may have sensed something was off during that time, during my hairdressing career, I am so sorry. I did my best to maintain professionalism even when I was fighting battles behind the scenes. Despite everything, I'm grateful for the real connections I made during that season of my life, but I hope to never become that version of myself ever again. If you are listening, just know that I carry so much love and gratitude for you, and you did play a really big part in my life and in my story. In my 20s, I found myself... Really living a double life. I would go to work and hold it together, or at least I thought I was. And then I would take all that cash, all the tips and go party as hard as I could until it wasn't a party anymore. And it became using alone and hiding and numbing. And during that time, I ended up in a mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive relationship with another using addict. It was like literally toxic in every sense of the word. And it officially ended in 2014 when I snuck out of the house when he was at work. I packed up my little Honda, drove it back to my parents' house at 27 years old with my tail between my legs. And sadly, I didn't have him to blame anymore. I couldn't use him as the scapegoat for why my life was so unmanageable anymore. The truth is, I was still using even harder than before, manipulating the people who love me the most, hurting myself in ways I didn't even fully understand yet. And then in the fall of 2014, my rock bottom came. I experienced a violent sexual assault. Shortly after that, something shifted inside me. Maybe my subconscious knew something. Like if it wasn't the drugs that were going to kill me, it was the situations I was putting myself in. I ended up getting into a rehab program. And back then, treatment wasn't readily available or openly talked about like it is today. But that place introduced me to meetings, and it gave me the first shaky pieces of a foundation to build on. And around six months clean, my brain finally unlocked the full trauma of what had happened. The vivid details flooded back in. It was absolutely terrifying. And that's about as much as I'm willing to share right now. I want to be respectful of... People's own experiences, stuff like that is maybe not the most appropriate thing to just put out into the public on my very first episode. But I do want to leave you with a few important facts. One out of every six American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime. About once every 68 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. So if you or someone you love needs support, please visit RAINN.org. That's R-A-I-N-N.org. They have resources or they have a 24-hour hotline and a confidential chat available that I've personally used myself. You are never alone. I am so grateful today to have found the silver linings, even in some of the most horrendous things that have happened to me. I have this vivid memory of driving down main street one morning, um, up in Concord and there was a neon sign that usually showed the time and the temperature. And it was like eight 30 in the morning that day, but the neon lights were flashing 11, 11. Um, And I just like lost it. I just started sobbing. That was like very early in my recovery journey. And that was like the best go get them that I could have gotten from Vanessa at one of the most like pivotal times in my life. Like even in the middle of all that darkness, even while trying to process some of the hardest moments in my life, I was still seeing signs. I was starting to wake up. starting to gain some awareness that maybe I was not crazy and I wasn't alone in all of this. At that six-month mark that I mentioned before when those memories started flooding back in, or flashbacks really is what they're called, I had something that I hadn't ever had before. I had a sponsor. I had a strong network of women who who loved me back to life, literally. I had a boyfriend who made me feel safe, something I hadn't felt in years. And honestly, I don't think I would have survived that time or those flashbacks if I didn't have that support. It was wild. And that boyfriend would eventually become my husband. I met him in 2015 at one of those meetings, and he's still by my side today. He's got such a great personality, such an amazing sense of humor, and he just celebrated 11 years clean. Both of us credit every good thing we have today, every blessing in our life to that program and the God of both of our understanding. We both believe it's essential to stay involved. And if we want to keep what we have, we have to give back. And I don't know, I think like we share this core value of like recovery isn't something that we did once. It's something that we live every single day inside and outside of meetings. Building a life in recovery wasn't just about staying clean. It was about learning how to dream again and get rid of all of the constructs that I had kind of put on myself. We started to build this beautiful life together, setting goals, healing old wounds. And something my husband and I realized we had both changed our mind on was We decided that we did want kids because we were not sure for many years, actually. We thought once we actively started trying to have a baby that it would just happen, you know. Almost a year and a half later, I found myself sitting in the OBGYN's office starting the process of infertility testing. And... After that appointment, we decided to take a break from all the heavy emotions. We packed up and headed to Pittsburgh, New Hampshire. It was like 4th of July weekend. And we grabbed our camper and just kind of escaped for the week, just trying to breathe and let go of some of that pressure. I'll never forget leaving that infertility appointment though and sitting in the car in the parking lot and just crying and feeling so hopeless and helpless and broken. Just like, did I do this to myself, you know? And... As soon as I started my next cycle, I was going to have to go back for blood work. So the thought of driving three and a half, four hours back from Pittsburgh, like multiple times, I was like, whatever, that's what we have to do. But my cycle never came. And while we're up in Pittsburgh, something pretty incredible happened. We decided almost spontaneously to buy a little camp and It was like a small dream that we had talked about. We had wanted like a vacation home and something small that we could afford. And this was the year 2020, mind you, like when the world had shut down. So we like saw a couple houses, a couple camps, a couple of pieces of land. We ended up putting an offer in on this beautiful property, a lake house with like a bonus cabin. And Almost like surreal timing, on July 14th, the same day our offer was accepted, four hours later, I took a pregnancy test. And it was positive. Two major life-changing moments within hours of each other. It was completely overwhelming, but in like the best way possible. And mind you, this is when people were living through some of the hardest times in their life. We both struggled with feelings of guilt on how much we were thriving. And at that point, I think we both had enough faith and just kind of stopped questioning. And we knew all of those so-called coincidences were just signs that we were right on the path we were supposed to be. In the spring of 2021, we welcomed our beautiful daughter, winter rain, into the world. And within the first few months, I realized something that caught me completely off guard. Staying home did not come naturally for me. In fact, it made me really uncomfortable. And looking back, I think my ADHD played a huge part in that, but... Even more than that, I think it was just a total identity shift of becoming a mother and the whole universe does not surround me anymore. The lack of sleep, the constant overstimulation, and that was a huge adjustment. Whether you call it postpartum anxiety, depression, or just the massive life adjustment that it is, it was a lot. And I did end up being diagnosed with postpartum anxiety more so than depression. But honestly, I think every parent, every new parent faces that, um, level of emotional upheaval. And it's like a wild ride that nobody can prepare you for. I remember thinking like, I know everyone said this was hard, but this is like, this is like crazy. Um, And alienating in a lot of ways because it's just you. Like you are the one. You are the parent. You are the mother. Like the ultimate test, I guess. I don't know. Not to scare you if you're considering having kids, but just be ready. So through that process, my husband and I, Zach, just kept growing, not just as parents, but as individuals and as a couple. We inspired each other to face fears at times and take some big leaps of faith, especially with starting businesses. And over time, we built a couple of businesses together. And along the way, we've redefined what success means for our family multiple, multiple times. Right now, I would say success looks like being present for our kids. Definitely providing them structure, safety, stability, but also a home full of laughter, family vacations, playful memories, and real quality time. Present, not just like physically, but emotionally too. Sitting on the ground, making eye contact, all that good stuff. And, you know, for me, when I was in the grips of postpartum anxiety and One of my dear friends, Justine, a fellow woo-woo soul, showed up for me in ways that I will never forget. She would come over like once a week and guide me through some Reiki or yoga or some energy healing practice. Yeah. And little by little, my mind started opening to the idea of crystals, energy work, and spiritual tools that were not just like hippie stuff, but they were real and they were powerful. And specifically in that moment, they were helping me heal. And that's when a whole new vision started to take root in my heart and a vision that would eventually become the bohemian. I can still remember those early days, like having this vision so clearly. I would look out my window upstairs onto my front lawn and see like a vintage camper parked with cafe lights strung overhead, vintage beanbags and cozy Victorian rugs scattered around. I pictured a circle of women sitting together, helping each other heal through our shared experiences. And deep down, I thought to myself, what, would really help me right now is a community of people who just get it. And of course, I wanted to heal and grow personally, but even more than that, I felt a calling to make an impact while I'm here. Getting clean and starting to work on myself, spiritually especially, it sparked like a ripple effect that reached way beyond just me. I realize I'm passionate about helping people step into their full potential. I love encouraging people, whether that's in spirituality, business, family, or just life in general. I love empowering others and showing them through my own lens just how powerful they truly are. There's this quote by Mother Teresa that has stuck with me. I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the water to create many ripples. So fast forward to today, I own two retail stores called The Bohemian, one in Bedford and one in Tilton, New Hampshire. We have over 5,000 square feet of retail space filled with crystals, sage, tarot, jewelry, and metaphysical supplies. We host weekly events, offer walk-in readings, and most importantly, we've built a community where our customers feel like family. And Bohemian has grown into New Hampshire's premier spiritual gift shop. And it all started from that tiny seed of a vision. And I'm just so proud. I'm proud of what we've built in the last three years and the new direction that it's going in now. And if you are local, I'll hope you come, you know, check it out in person. I do want to just add that there have been a couple of updates with my Bedford location. There has been a huge shift in our economy and I have been struggling with whether or not to close down that store. I recently put a post on Facebook just kind of looping in our community and asking for support and have been completely overwhelmed with the response that I've received. But at this exact moment, I still don't know if we will survive. And I mean that in the sense of like our storefront, because I think our community will survive regardless and live on and continue to hold space for each other and inspire each other, but maybe just in a different way. So that's been really emotionally trying, but... also a little exciting about when one door closes, three more open up and maybe it's just time to feel those spiritual nudges and take new direction and pivot. And that's one of the things I love about applying spirituality in business is that it's never a straight line. It's not linear. It's kind of looking at each day individually and saying, what makes sense for today? Where is this going? And what is this purpose? Am I fulfilling what I originally set out to do? So yeah, I still would love for you to come check it out. But please know that if you're listening to this later, we might not be in Bedford anymore. But either way, it's for the greater good. And I feel that in my soul, like deep in my soul. When The Bohemian was just six months old, I was cast on a reality TV show called The Blocks. It was there that someone planted another seed, that idea that I should create a newsletter, a blog, or a podcast to connect even more deeply with my community. So here we are, finally. In 2023, we welcomed our second daughter, Savannah Rose, and on the way to the hospital for my scheduled C-section, a hawk nearly flew right into my windshield. It was wild, like some kind of omen. And honestly, I thought I knew what to expect this time, like my second baby, second C-section, but Savannah's birth turned out to be incredibly traumatic. And the healing journey after has been deep and ongoing. Even just today, I had some Reiki on my sacral chakra. Breathwork, Reiki, healing energy therapy, crystals, all that have been part of the process. But I had experienced postpartum anxiety after my first daughter, but with Savannah. It definitely showed up more as postpartum depression and it didn't really hit me until she was about nine months old, which was weird. Such a confusing experience knowing logically what's happening in your body and your mind, but feeling powerless against it anyway. I remember saying to Zach, like, I know that this is not logical, but this is what my brain is like telling me right now. Can you just like go with it? Can you just go like check her breathing? I don't know. So with a combination of therapy, spiritual work, recovery meetings, movement, meditation, couples counseling, opening up to some close friends, yeah, even medication and sleep routines, you know, like all of it, all of it. I can say today, almost two years later, I feel better than I have in a long time. So if you or someone you know is struggling with postpartum depression, I want you to know that you are not alone. And one in every 10 women experiences it. Some studies even say it's more like one in seven. One of the most powerful things for me was just having someone ask, how can I support you? So if you're looking for resources to help, you can visit postpartumdepression.org. They have amazing tools and a therapist locator to find someone who truly understands. So about six months ago, we sold our home in Pittsburgh, New Hampshire, and bought a beautiful house in Cape Coral, Florida. Zach and I had first traveled to Florida after being together for like a year. And ever since then, it's been a long-term goal of ours to eventually have a property there. There's just no better escape than... Um, from like the brutal Northeast winters, you know, then going to sunny Florida and just getting a little bit of that, like a vitamin D. Um, and honestly, there's nothing like hopping on a two, three hour flight and just getting that like reset button. I like, I really need that. Um, cause I'm just like prone to that seasonal sadness. Um, but yeah, I just have such a We had both the kids with us, and Winter and I had spent nearly eight hours just swimming. We were diving for mermaids and playing every pool game you can think of, doing handstands, cannonballs, Marco Polo, relay races, you name it. And that version of me just fully present, laughing, playing in the sun, like, That's the mom that I want my girls to remember. So when I think about the word joy and what that feels like in my body, those are the moments that come to mind. Now, I know that not everybody has a pool or a vacation home in Florida, but I truly believe we all have the ability to find our very own version of that swimming pool joy. I encourage you to figure out what that is for you and prioritize it because your joy does matter. We did a wild woman circle at one point at the Bohemian in Bedford and the whole theme of it was on joy and finding it in your daily life. And people had the most incredible experiences of like, when I take that first sip of coffee in the a roof over my head, this warm cup of coffee to wake me up in the morning. And they kind of use that as like the mental trigger to practice that like gratitude and to feel that sense of joy every single day. And that has like stayed with me for like over a year. I love that. So I hope you find your joy and I encourage you to do that. It is worth it. So thank you so much for tuning in and getting to know me on a deeper level, especially before we start diving into conversations with some truly inspiring people. I also want to take a moment to genuinely thank you and even congratulate you for carving out this time to nurture your own mental and spiritual health. So before we wrap up, I do want to mention like On each of these episodes, I'm going to be gifting my guests a crystal. So I thought it was probably important for me to talk about my crystal choice, whether you're a crystal person or not, no judgment. But mine is Larimar from the Dominican Republic. And it's a stone that always helps me stay grounded and brings a sense of peace that I carry with me through the day. And Chances are, yep, I have some on me right now. So as we close this first episode, I just want to remind you, you are so worthy of love, peace, and immense joy every single day. And as the Dalai Lama said, joy is our birthright and even more fundamental than happiness.