Momtalk Maryland
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Momtalk Maryland
From Perfect Parent to Reality: What We Swore We'd Never Do
Remember when you confidently declared all the things you'd never do as a parent? Those lofty ideals about screen time, healthy eating, sleep training, and never losing your cool? Yeah, we do too.
In this candid conversation, Claire and Jill officially team up as co-hosts to tackle the humbling reality gap between pre-kid expectations and actual parenting. With equal parts humor and vulnerability, they confess how quickly their principles dissolved when confronted with the chaos of real family life.
From hiding tablets under shirts before restaurant outings to creating elaborate lies about ice cream trucks only playing music when they're out of ice cream, this episode celebrates the creative survival tactics we all develop. The hosts share their surprise at how dramatically different raising boys versus girls can be, despite the same parenting approaches. "It's almost like they talk about the growing milestones for boys," Claire laughs. "You go from Toy Story to trains to hot wheels to cars to dinosaurs, and Grant is literally, verbatim, the poster boy child."
What makes this conversation so refreshing is the hosts' willingness to acknowledge parenting realities that many feel ashamed to admit. Whether it's the overwhelm of sensory stimulation that leads to losing patience or the crushing defeat when sleep training methods that worked perfectly for one child fail miserably for another, Claire and Jill create space for listeners to release their own perfectionism.
Have you pretended to be asleep so your partner would handle a nighttime wake-up? Do you have parenting confessions or topic suggestions you'd like us to explore in future episodes? Connect with us through DM, comments, or email—nothing is off limits in this judgment-free zone of real Maryland mom talk.
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Hey friends and welcome to MomTalk Maryland. I'm your host, claire Duarte, founder of the Columbia Mom, and this is your spot for real conversations, local love and a whole lot of community. Whether you're folding laundry, running errands or hiding in your car for some peace and quiet, let's dive in. All right, are we good? Yeah, I think so. It's good as we'll ever be. Yeah, I think so. It's good as will ever be. Okay, so before we get into today's episode, I have to introduce someone very important to me. You've already heard her on a couple of episodes, but we've never officially made it podcast official, so let's fix that. I am so excited to finally and officially introduce my co-host and partner in crime, fellow Maryland mom and just all-around amazing human, jill Burke. Well, thank you. I'm so excited to have you here, Jill, with us, and I know you all are going to love her.
Jill Burke:So let's jump into it. Yeah well, I have to live up to those expectations.
Claire Duarte:They're not very high, so I think you'll be okay.
Jill Burke:Thank you, I love being here. Like I said, I think on the first episode that I kind of pushed you, shoved you, into doing a podcast.
Claire Duarte:This really is your baby.
Jill Burke:I know I have a lot of things to say and talk about that. My husband's sick of listening to me talk to him about it, so I needed an outlet and you were willing to do this with me Right, exactly, no, well, I'm glad this was like.
Claire Duarte:The podcast was always like your idea. And here we are, which is crazy, you know what I mean. Like not even six months later, or just about. Yeah.
Jill Burke:Just about yeah.
Claire Duarte:Yeah, maybe it's like seven, exactly Something like September. But who's counting who?
Jill Burke:cares, I know.
Claire Duarte:So for today's episode, we're talking about things we swore we'd never do as moms, or as moms, as parents, and this cracks me up because I always definitely think of, like pre-kid me. And then there's now me, the seasoned, the marinated mom, the marinated Maryland mom, if you may. Right, I still am a white girl, so it's lightly. Yours is probably better seasoned than mine, you're better cooked than me. Um, I feel like that's a perfect topic for today, since you're here with me. Um, so let's jump into it.
Claire Duarte:I think, for a couple things for me swore, things that I swore that I'd never do as a mom. Um, I don't think I ever swore that I was like never going to do screen time or never gonna like let my kids eat junk food. I think in my brain I'm like, oh, my kids are gonna be so healthy. Or we're like, quote unquote never going to use screen time or never going to like let my kids eat junk food. I think in my brain I'm like, oh, my kids are going to be so healthy. Or were like, quote unquote, never going to use screen time in the regards of like it's going to be used so minimally, right, yeah, and that's the biggest joke in the world.
Jill Burke:Yeah, Like I never thought I would be pricing out iPads and tablets for like my two year old, but when I was pregnant with a two-year-old and it was the pandemic, I was like anybody hello, we need a, we need a tablet now.
Jill Burke:Right here and I was sick of my daughter using my iPad. So there we were, looking at different tablets that would be appropriate for a two-year-old, and then the sun came along and I needed another tablet for him. And now I have a third and he, at 16 months, is also like but where's mine? We haven't jumped down that rabbit hole yet with him, but no, we're there there, oh my gosh oh, I know, but I don't know if I ever thought like I wouldn't use screen time yeah I have an older sibling.
Jill Burke:I have older siblings, so I kind of saw like, okay, it's inevitable yeah I don't think. I thought I would go to great lengths oh, my gosh to make sure tablets were always charged and available and ready to go, yeah, when venturing out.
Claire Duarte:Yes, two places also exactly and like and this is where I think the nitty-gritty gets so different for so many parents and households across like the way, like one thing that we do in our house and this is like no judgment at all for however you handle it and other moms, however you handle in your house. We try to do no tablets at home and I realize that's probably polarizing for a lot of people, but we also have. Just because we don't have the tablet, it doesn't mean the tv isn't on all the time.
Jill Burke:Yeah you know what I mean.
Claire Duarte:It's right, exactly.
Claire Duarte:So, yeah, we're, we're pretty good, and like we don't let the kids just like willy nilly, grab the tablets.
Claire Duarte:They are like high up in um, a closet in the laundry room and they get them for, like when we eat out and like long car rides, and even then, like we try like we go to the beach a lot, so, um, and it's a quick enough drive, like two and a half hours that sometimes we actually try to not give them the tablet for like maybe the first half of it, just to see if they'll sleep or rest, cause they can be as tired as can be. But if they're holding a tablet, those eyes are open. No, oh, open. I mean, I'm guilty of that too. I have my too. I can be as tired as I want, but if I have that phone, so I'll sometimes not give it to them just for them to get their sillies out and see if they'll fall asleep, which lately hasn't been happening and, what's interesting, I don't think we've ever talked about the tablet usage of our kids, for our kids, as friends and just like bombing together.
Jill Burke:But same so like, even though we greatly relied on the tablet at home, especially during the pandemic and, um you know, during some newborn stages with you know, with my daughter being older, we definitely don't have the tablet available to our kids at home. It's very much like, okay, the doctor's appointments. You're going to be sitting in a waiting room or car rides. And even then, because I'm from upstate New York, so it takes like five to six hours to get there.
Claire Duarte:That's a long drive and what I?
Jill Burke:do is I actually use our iPad and I download movies and we can plug it in because we have the TV yeah, car, yeah in the van in the van um and so even like their tablets, I have them, but they're they don't have the wi-fi because we use the fire yeah but so even for us like no judgment at all no tv is literally on all the time. They figured out how to ask our Alexa to play TV shows too sometimes.
Claire Duarte:So that's crazy.
Jill Burke:But we definitely let him use it for like doctor's appointments, going out to eat or like if we know we're going to maybe like an outing where there's going to be more adults and older kids and not kids their age we bring them as like backup yeah, um, and we'll do something similar, like we're and like sometimes we'll bring them and hide them.
Claire Duarte:They don't even know that they're brought.
Jill Burke:Yes, and it's just kind of like that, you know back pocket insurance yeah, like I stick it under my shirt and walk out and like they don't exactly, because if they.
Claire Duarte:I know I mean to be honest. We went to we had season pass to Hershey Park last year and Brooke's probably at the age where she can probably kind of be fine with it. Grant's a little bit more dicey with things, so we even brought her with us to, knowing that I'm not trying like yeah, we're at an amusement park.
Jill Burke:We're having a fun but if like a meltdown happens, like yeah yeah, it's very overstimulating, exactly.
Claire Duarte:It's hot. You're doing all this stuff, right, I know?
Jill Burke:no, and I think, like for us, we know that they'll appreciate it when they don't have it as often. Right again, I'm saying this as someone that has our tv on 90 of the time it's like on.
Claire Duarte:I mean last night it was on until like the minutes before bed and I'm like, and it's that's not every day, but there's a lot of days yeah, and I think too like our, because we have the fire tablets and our kids like to use them for the games.
Jill Burke:Yeah, so, and like more of the educational games, if you will. So I don't feel as like my mom guilt isn't as bad when I'm like, okay, yeah, here's the tablet when we're out doing things.
Claire Duarte:Yeah.
Jill Burke:And stuff like that. But even for restaurants we like give it to them once they're done eating, because we try and give them their food first.
Claire Duarte:Yeah.
Jill Burke:And like kind of interact a little bit and then like once they eat and we're still eating, yeah, then we'll let them have it and Brooke can, is like and can handle that it's.
Claire Duarte:It's my son who's kind of like, once he sits down, he's like like where is it? You know what I mean. Like he's already like shaking ready and because, like, when Brooke sits down, she'll, like you know, actually do the coloring and Grant, like you know, again fine motor stuff with him.
Jill Burke:Like he could care less and does no desire to that, and also like we both have the older daughter, and then we have the son. And I think it's not even like the motor skills Right, it's not even like the motor skills right boy versus girl, it's so true and yeah, talk about another mom confession.
Jill Burke:I never in my life thought I would be like, oh my god, my kids are so different yeah like I thought like okay, going into if we have a boy and a girl, and like two same parents, same household, like whatever, I can't believe how different and how having the girl first and then a boy second is like a whole slap in the face to your parenting style.
Claire Duarte:Oh, I know well and it's really funny. I mean, I grew up like I'm one of five and my younger brother and I, um, are we're Irish twins and not the Irish twins that like, oh, like we're, you know, 16 months apart. I'm like bitch, hold my beer. Like my brother and I had the same due date oh my God, yes, and I was born like early, he was born late.
Jill Burke:So I'm like literally 13 months apart, exactly. God bless your parents.
Claire Duarte:So, yeah, so I'm like, yeah, so we're really close in age, so, anyways, we could not. So I grew up, obviously, with Brendan I have three more, the younger siblings after him, um, and we are like the most polar opposite, like he's got. Like you know, he had ADD growing up. As kids we were so different academically, socially, like everything, and to this day, um. But so I grew up kind of like knowing the polar differences of what our internal sibling stuff was like. So that didn't surprise me.
Claire Duarte:What I thought was just almost comical was you know how they talk about gender and you know we were never the family that were like, oh, we're like not going to talk about gender or colors or try to push gender on kids. And I always thought that I think there's a lot of validity with that, but I didn't like push it. But I just always thought it was so funny that it's like my daughter, obsessed with pink, obsessed with Barbies, obsessed with like the most girly girl stuff. I mean I can't like blame her. Like you know, am I similar, of course. And then my son, like it's almost like they talk about like the growing milestones for boys. I'm like there needs to be the growth chart of like you know. You go from like you know toy story to trains, to hot wheels, to cars, to dinosaurs, and grant is like literally verbatim, the poster boy child. Do you know what I mean? Like? And I find that so I'm like there's nothing that like, it's just in his dna.
Jill Burke:Yeah, and it cracks me up, yeah yeah, and I think like with ryan wasn't so much like he's never been into like one. Well, he's upset. He was obsessed with winnie the pooh yeah, that's so cute but like the dinosaurs they're cool and cars are cool, but like he takes the cake in boy world of like just non-stop, yeah, and not because he, you know adhd or anything like that, it's just like he's a full boy, like he wants to be wrestling, he wants to be throwing a ball, he wants to be running he wants to be climbing, he just wants that gross motor.
Jill Burke:Just like need to be moving, yeah yeah, and like to ask him to sit down and paint or color. He's into it yeah because he sees emily doing it uh-huh but then he's out of it.
Jill Burke:Yeah, quickly. Yeah, um, I'll never forget my best friend whose son is three weeks older than danielle. They came to visit us, or her name's danielle. Her son, caleb um, is three weeks older than my daughter, emily, and they came to visit and Emily's drawing and everything, and Caleb was, and she was like, oh my God, emily's just sitting there, nice. And I was like, oh my God, caleb's just running around. And this was before Ryan was able to like really go. Yeah, and I said to her the other night I texted her. I was like, oh my god, why didn't you warn me? Like why didn't you prepare me better? Right for this? Yeah, and she just laughed and she's like, do you remember the time when I came? Yeah, no, I, that's like going through my head right and I'm like yeah, and I just like mom confession.
Jill Burke:I was like what is happening, yeah, what is going through my head? And I'm like yeah, and I just like mom confession. I was like what is happening, yeah, what is going on. And now it's like I'm here, and here we are.
Claire Duarte:I know. Well, next one for me that I was thinking of and I already kind of said like was like the food and eating, and I was like, oh, like you know, we're my kids, like are going to be, because I say, you know, as you start to become a parent, right, you know, and you're learning the basic things like, oh, like, introduce them to everything, like as far as like foods and solids, right, you know, and that will help diminish picky eating.
Jill Burke:Or what about, like, you eat when you're pregnant, like all this food, and it will go through to them somehow and it will help them when they're able to eat, like, enjoy this food, right, such a lie, yeah, like, can a doctor call us and tell us, like, if that's actually true, because so many people are like, oh, you're eating this and this and this, those kids are gonna want to eat everything when they're able to lies, absolute lies, well and um, and that'd probably be a problem because I ate like all this, like cereal, and weird.
Claire Duarte:I didn't have weird cravings, I just had like very like boring, but like I don't know. Just like I wasn't like craving like pickles and hot sauce, I was like I needed like boxes of wheaties, like it's not, it's not very fun and interesting, but it is sort of like okay. But um, like you know, I mean I think you remember too I feel like this is the case for so many moms. Like you know, the babies eat everything under the sun and then they become toddlers and then they become little shits and then, like all, like the, the pickiness starts and I mean, I'll be. My kids are both pretty good for the most part. Um, I did find it like odd that brooke like still doesn't really love mac and cheese and like that is just kind of like kidism 101. But you know, every kid's got like something. But for the most part they are pretty good eaters, but like they probably still only eat like no, they're getting a little bit better with vegetables. You know what I mean. But and I remember one of the other things that I had read and learned when I was like trying to do the baby led weaning thing is like everybody eats the same thing in the house and to this day, like, and I was so I mean that was the case when we were kids, but like again, I don't remember when we were like really little, like you know it was about, I'm sure it was a principle.
Claire Duarte:I remember it was like, you know, everybody has to eat together and stuff like that. So, like, so two-pronged, do we all eat together? No, um, do I wish we did? Yes, my husband's schedule is also a little funny, but it's also by the time, like I finish, like it's just easier. You know, I also look at it. Like you know, just because we don't all eat together, I also look at it's just life in a season. Yeah, you know what I mean, absolutely. And but then the second prong of like you know, are they getting the introduction to all the fruits and vegetables and like all the food that we eat? Or think you know that they're going to be the healthiest kids in the world? Like no, yeah, just no. We have like the five food rotation and that's it.
Jill Burke:Yeah, I mean you know I the other night or the other day, I purchased cake pops for the kids to surprise them and I asked brendan I go, where should I hide these? That they won't find? And he said in the vegetable drawer, because our kids don't eat vegetables. And that is. That is just the fact. Yeah, um, am I going to go poor providing strawberries for my children? Yes, because they will eat strawberries, and ryan will. Ryan and logan will devour bananas, but when it comes to a vegetable, I don't. I don't actually think emily has had a vegetable since she was a baby and she would like yeah, eat anything.
Jill Burke:And is avocado a vegetable or a fruit?
Claire Duarte:I mean, it has a pit, I always get confused they like it's a side to me, like it's a, it's an app, so what is that? But yeah, it's a meal.
Jill Burke:I really was. Like all these kids, I love to eat everything. They I mean I would say three to four of the seven nights a week. Brendan will say to me I can't believe you're doing this, because I'm not just cooking one meal for for us. I'm cooking a meal for us, a meal for Emily, a meal for Riot, a meal for Logan. Sometimes, like last night I made mac and cheese. Yeah, two of the three kids wanted that, and I can't let my kids starve.
Claire Duarte:No, so there I am, like what do you want?
Jill Burke:What can I make? So it's a busy dinner.
Claire Duarte:It is, but we do sit down.
Jill Burke:I somehow time it that we all sit down together every single night and eat dinner and we have a rule of no phones we don't, that's nice.
Claire Duarte:Yeah, no, we definitely don't.
Jill Burke:Yeah, we don't do tablets, our phones like away and when people come over for dinner, I'm like you have to put your phone away oh, that's nice and like when people come over for dinner, it's like my parents are visiting. Oh, yeah, Like we don't have like dinner parties.
Claire Duarte:Right, yeah.
Jill Burke:But yeah, we do sit together, but I don't sit, I'm up like still just like serving.
Claire Duarte:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah and milk and everything.
Jill Burke:But yeah, no, we don't. It's mac and cheese, dino nuggets, sometimes some egg noodles, nice um chicken, the chicken fries, specifically the blue bag from aldi. I need to try, I need to grab those. Um, we've, we've added in some french fries, so like see potato oh my god, that is how I'm getting my kids to eat a vegetable.
Claire Duarte:I'm like oh, potato, right um brooke is a little, because she's older and she's always been a little bit more, I would say, adventurous of an eater, but just a little bit more open-minded. The grant grant just a little bit more rigid.
Jill Burke:Um, with all things but emily is my rigid one. Yeah, ryan had like a taco last night we're kind of taco last year like the.
Claire Duarte:Costco ones.
Jill Burke:She asks for the taco, the Costco ones with the green sauce, and I'm like, oh, all right, yeah, Like I cut the tortilla in half and like made a little soft taco for Ryan last night. I'm like he's like I want the big one. I'm like you look, and then we had the other half and I almost fell out of my chair.
Claire Duarte:Brooke did something like yeah, it was basically last year and I think it was my mom watched her and made a quesadilla which, like I've made and we've gotten at restaurants I'm like guys, this is bread, but it's different when someone else does it.
Claire Duarte:It's bread and cheese, come on, you know. And so I think she was like oh, yeah, I like that. So I was like, okay, this is kind of similar here, yeah, so, yeah, I mean, so I think food is a big one, screens is a big one. Another one for me that I wouldn't say that I thought that I would never do because I didn't like when I was pre-kids I never really thought about sleep.
Claire Duarte:But like again, when you become, when you're pregnant with your first right, like you start to read everything and or like when the baby's here and then everything's falling apart, then you're reading more. And I asked, like what do I do? Yeah, and um, and with brooke, she was a good sleeper, but I, you know, I did do some of the sleep training with her and it worked marvelously. And in my brain I thought, oh well, the people's whose babies aren't sleeping must, like it's your baby's not sleeping because you're not doing sleep training. In my brain and that wasn't exactly what I was saying to my friends, but I'll admit that I was like, probably, like in no way like trying to judge my friends or other people, but I think they're just like. Again, it was so new to me that I just kind of assuming oh well then you just want to be like sleep train the baby.
Jill Burke:How hard is it?
Claire Duarte:how hard could it be? Just do it. And then I had my son and I tried to do the same thing and god and the universe were like ha ha ha. You know, I tried those principles for a whole year. They got me nowhere. And I was like, oh, not that, I not again, not that sleep training is a crock shit, I, it's just. It goes back to like, oh, it's just so, kid dependent, yeah and with Emily we tried sleep training and failed.
Jill Burke:Like I still remember there was one night, like hours, that we watched her just crying and it was killing me, but we were trying to like, do what the book says cry it out, cry it out and, for the record, there's also like I shouldn't say a zillion sleep there.
Claire Duarte:Just there's multiple different methods, multiple different ideologies and ways to do it. So I think you and I are both not necessarily talking about just like straight, like cried, and there's, like there's methodologies, that I think, and there's different people there's. I mean, there's a couple names I'm not going to drop them here, but, like you know, of handles that I can kind of think of, that we were all sort of like following along, yeah and it didn't work, you know, then we would, it would get going.
Jill Burke:Um, I mean honestly, emily slept in our room, we got her good, and then I never thought I would have a child that would sleep in my room I growing up never slept in my parents room. Same it was not an option.
Claire Duarte:Oh yeah, no, it was not an option um.
Jill Burke:The only time I would sleep in my parents room is if we were traveling, we were sharing a hotel room, or like going out.
Claire Duarte:Y'all traveled Right. We said like in a beach house, but yeah, Randomly.
Jill Burke:Usually, my brother and sister are 10 and 12 years older than me, so it was like traveling to drop them off at college, um, or like if we went to visit family and we shared a room, yeah, but Emily, after having Ryan, we converted her to like a toddler bed and I still regret that day because she could get out.
Claire Duarte:Oh, and how old was she? At what age was she?
Jill Burke:She was like two and a half when all of a sudden her sleep went back downhill. Oh yeah, like really downhill. Yeah, and her pediatrician who's amazing suggested like why don't you do like a bed in your room, like a floor bed, and she'll get sick of it.
Claire Duarte:Hmm, can you send your pediatrician a bill?
Jill Burke:can you send your pediatrician a bill? That floor bed lasted until last year, when she was almost five and a half and we were getting ready to welcome our third kid, and I was like we can't have her in kindergarten being woken up by a baby no, and we had to like basically go back to like step one of getting a kid back to their bed. So my husband took that on because we figured if things were still amiss when the baby came.
Jill Burke:Yeah, I'm going to be with the baby he needs to deal with that and he would kind of get that closeness with her. Luckily, she we got into a groove and yeah like since then she sleeps in her bed.
Jill Burke:Um, and then, because her sleep was such a mess, when ryan came along, my second, I was like we are, I am following the rules. I'm not putting him into his crib when he's asleep, he's going into his crib awake. We're doing all these things and he is literally my best sleeper, so much so that I just moved my third into the room. They're sharing a room because I didn't want to disrupt his sleep.
Jill Burke:I was so concerned about disrupting his sleep because he's such a good sleeper. He goes. I read him his books, I sing a couple songs. Still, I love it. Yeah, um, but I was so nervous yeah, like. I deal with Logan. That sounds bad to say I deal well, my child, but you know.
Jill Burke:But yes, I do my reading with Ryan and Logan. I get him in. He has a whole routine of like needs water, whatever. I bring Logan to my room to get him back in it, like put him in his jammies, walk with him kind of get him snuggly and sleepy. And then I kind of make sure Ryan's asleep, and then I put Logan into the crib. Nice, so it's a.
Jill Burke:It's a little like juggling but you know, I also never thought I would have my child leaving my room at like 15 months. I thought like yeah, I was out of my room at five months. Ryan was out of our room at three months.
Claire Duarte:Yeah, so that was like a shock to the system.
Claire Duarte:Right, and our kids were about the same as well. So I know, yes, sleep, I think, is a big one. Food is a big one. Food is a big one.
Claire Duarte:Um, I was gonna say the next thing I think is like well, again, I think there's a difference between like what are things I never thought I was do as a parent, versus like once I became a parent and started reading the like what do parents? What do, what is this generation of parent doing? Parenting, doing for for sleep, for for introducing solids, for potty training, right. Right, because we're kind of I think we come through this methodology of like, okay, we want to be better than our parents, not that our parents did anything bad or wrong, but you're just like, okay, how can we kind of approach this better? And so it's, you know. So the thing that I swore that I would never do is kind of like based on like the books or reading, or the handles that I'm watching, the people that I'm listening to, and you know, I think I'm not sorry to interrupt but I think we are generation.
Jill Burke:We also are living in a time where we have social media, yeah, and we see these like perfect families and these perfect situations. You know, there's tons of behavioral psychologists and experts that I follow, that I read and I'm like, oh, I can do that. Oh, that's why they're acting out or that's why they're not sleeping, and I'm going to do that. And so we have all this like too much information where our parents just had, like, what did their parents do?
Claire Duarte:right, and there was books, right, but like you know, is exactly, definitely different, definitely different, and I think it. Well, and that's the reality there is. There is so much more information out there and we have it at our fingertips, which is the great thing about being a mom this day and age, when you're exhausted, up in the middle of the night and you and we obviously have our phones, that I can sit there and scroll and I'm like in complete desperation of, like, what do I do to help this, yeah, situation? You know what I mean and so, no doubt, and you know, be googling all the sleep things. Or you know how to get my kids to, you know, eat a like one friggin piece of food, you know. And then potty training right, like you know, we think like, oh gosh, yeah, you and I both will have to do a full week-long episode of everything that we've been through. Um, but um, which I think I'm even just gonna sidestep because there's too much if we get into potty training, we're in talk forever, um, but I think they'll do.
Jill Burke:you think potty training is something we need to come back to and people? Feel free to let us know your struggles, because we have endured it.
Claire Duarte:It's like a nice soft way to put it.
Jill Burke:And one of these episodes, we will actually tell the truth.
Claire Duarte:Oh, we'll go into. I think I've kind of even in the last episode I feel like I I think I mentioned it I just didn't go heavy into it because I was like I don't really want to like just drop the bomb of like literally fully painted out there. But um, and then when I met you, I just realized I was like, oh my god, there are other people that are I mean, I know that people have struggled, but like there's a, there's a different level of struggle that I feel that you and I have bonded into, unfortunately.
Claire Duarte:But the last little like minor confession and then we can jump into some other pieces, was just like managing behaviors. I think is kind of like the way that I would put it. Like you're like, oh, look, I'm, I won't yell with my kids, like I'll, you know um, do the gentle parenting thing, or I'm never gonna lose my shit, and you know um, blah, blah, blah. Right and apply all those principles. And look, I think we can all admit we have better days and moments, and it's not, of course, an all or nothing thing, um, and there's definitely been seasons of my life that I've been better at it than others, like this week, not a good week, not a great week, not a terrible week, not a great one. You know what I mean.
Jill Burke:I think. I think it's with the like, how we go about their behaviors, and this gentle parenting thing for me and this is like my big confession is how stimulated am I? Yes, and the other day Brendan and I had this whole conversation about it Because I was like why did you go to this level? I was trying to say it, you know. I was trying to say at level three you went to like a seven. Usually we're good at matching energies of like who's staying at the lowest?
Jill Burke:And he's like it was just that Alexa was on the TV, was on, Logan was crying, this was happening. I'm like, oh, so you were just like overstimulated, yeah. And he's like, yeah, and I'm like if you had just said like I'm overstimulated right now, I would have known, cause that's my thing, yeah, you can't take my overstimulation. But I was like, no, I get that. Like that is like yeah, you understand, I have a kitchen timer going, I have alexa playing, I have the kids asking mom, mom, mom, mom, I have you know the dogs barking, the, you know everything happening and that's when I will snap. That sounds bad to say I snap, but I'm like no, it's it's a literal human emotion never thought, but I'm like, no, it's, it's a literal human emotion.
Jill Burke:I never thought in my like perfect mom mind when I was like getting ready to have kids, yeah, that I would like lose it so quickly just over, like the sound I know Of life.
Claire Duarte:Oh, I know.
Jill Burke:That I chose to create.
Claire Duarte:That I chose to create and that I allowed to have happen. I know A lot of times it's like we chose this. I know that I chose to create, that I chose to create and that I allowed to have happen.
Jill Burke:I know a lot of times it's like we chose this.
Claire Duarte:I know, oh my gosh and it's the truth.
Jill Burke:But like I, I just get so over stimulated by sound. I know. I can handle like mom, mom, mom and asking for things and like just being a vending machine constantly like, I can handle that I can do that I can but like when it's one kid wants alexa playing and another kid wants plooey on tv and another kid wants like the transformer and sounds to be on, and it's all at the same time.
Claire Duarte:It's like yeah I know it's it's like and it's like a visceral reaction and for me lately, what's been really and I and this is where, like we'll have to do a full episode just on mom guilt you know what I mean again a full month long, but like what's been triggering me a lot lately, and this is just where we're still very much in the what's the phrase. We're just still in the hole of this with Grant, of just the intense behaviors and the fussing and the crying and kind of like, and because, grant, we've had the developmental delay and stuff like that, it's not just as easy as like okay, well, maybe I just need to hold my boundaries better, and I do think that's part of it. It's not all of it. I mean, you've walked this line too, but, um, so last night I was trying to like hold the boundary but it's just, and I could have been at a two or three before, that you know.
Claire Duarte:And then, but it's just funny, the fussing and crying, the way that it can burn through that patience and escalate me to a seven or eight so fast and I'm like I was doing you so good before and and it sucks like that. So that's just been like kind of like my trigger point lately. Granted, this is again this is more than I'm talking about a kid that you know has over, you know has moved through a lot of speech, you know delays and things like that with that obviously influence the behaviors. So it's not just as black as white as like oh, just do this one thing, um, and I think it's.
Jill Burke:We both have four-year-olds grant's june right yep and ryan's august, so like yeah very same track. Yep, I also think it's this age too. Yeah, and we've been even saying to Ryan like buddy, what's going on? Like one minute, you're our Rye guy, like the fun happy-go-lucky, wild, wild. But within, like a snap of the finger, he's like don't talk to me, I don't like you, You're the worst, you're the worst ever. And I'm like because I told you I literally told you to slow down. Like you can keep running.
Claire Duarte:Yeah.
Jill Burke:Watch out for your little brother. Slow down and I say it in my most gentlest, nicest, and it's just like so I think I hope, yeah, I, it's a season.
Claire Duarte:Right, I know Well, and actually I think Brooke has been as good of an offender on that too Like well, like the going from, like oh, I'm never going to like do this again, or blah, blah, blah, and I was like hold on, you know, like wait a minute, you know what I mean and it's yeah, it's, it's a lot, but yeah, it's just the general behavioral management a lot, but yeah, it's just the general behavioral management. And I and I'll one thing that I told my therapist that I realized I need to tell my mom this too, is like you know, now that we're like living through I think becoming a parent has made me appreciate my parents so much more and realize, like you know, again, it's so much easier to think, oh, I'm going to do it differently and I'm, you know, not going to swear these things off because you now I'm like, oh my God, I like realize how hard y'all had it.
Jill Burke:Well, I mean there's five there is. Ok, yeah, I'm, mine is a walk in the park, yeah, so.
Claire Duarte:I was like almost an only child. So yeah, and my husband too, and my husband too, and so different, different yeah, but still hard, yeah, I know. So I mean, yeah, like I said, we could probably, like you know, give a whole dissertation on each of those buckets, oh yeah, but those are kind of like the easiest things that come to mind.
Jill Burke:Yeah, and I thought, don't mind me just pulling up some fun notes exactly.
Claire Duarte:I have to live off of them um, oh well.
Jill Burke:We had people write in to us about like we knew we wanted to talk about this stuff yeah so we were kind of like pulling some people, asking people like what are some confessions? Or things you swore you never would do. Um, you know, one was like bribe your child. I knew 1000% I was going to bribe my children because I was a teacher first and I loved a good bribery. I was like okay, kids yeah like my seventh graders.
Jill Burke:I'm like okay if we all like get our homework in yeah do like a fun little something or another or like get a special treat. You know this was like right several years ago, where you could bring in treats oh yeah um, so I 1000% knew I was going to bribe my kids. Yeah, I mean, I also like to be bribed, so like yeah, I know I mean yes, yeah, oh, I get to do that and then get like ice cream afterwards.
Claire Duarte:Oh my God, seriously.
Jill Burke:Another one said well, we talked about that, make separate meals Guilty guilty guilty. Oh for sure. Oh, one person wrote in about like they never. They swore they would never let their children like dress, not dress themselves, but like just wear whatever they chose. Uh-huh, like mismatched clothes. And like I feel like I also thought that and then Emily went through a phase where she wanted to be Little Bo Peep all the time, so she would wear her clothes Uh-huh, and then put her Little Bo Peep outfit on.
Claire Duarte:Oh, my God.
Jill Burke:And that's just how we rocked. And then Ryan would literally recently decided he wanted to just wear every Winnie the Pooh type of outfit he had. Oh my God. So we went to the grocery store with his Winnie the Pooh sneakers, shorts. That didn't match the outfit, uh-huh um, with his Winnie the Pooh shirt on, with his buffalo plaid collared oh my god and then bumblebee sunglasses oh, my god all right, I was like you know what?
Jill Burke:but he was happy, and then I was thankful that he has a school uniform to wear every day yeah, you know well.
Claire Duarte:And then, like you and I can appreciate this too anybody that's parents of neuro spicy kids I like to call like like I look at it. I'm like hey, you independently got it done, because my, my son, only just recently started independently dressing and he's almost five, yeah. So I'm like hey, if you did it. Like I'm like you have a drawer full of pants that he won't touch, he like has to do only sweatpants right now, and I'm like, I'm like these pants are. So I'm like you know what he we got dressed today. You know we're wearing clothes, we're going to school, you know.
Jill Burke:So, yeah, I think that's a big one um, so another thing that we had people write in about, and maybe this can be like how we wrap up this episode, I think will be fun. Um, I'm going to read a couple confessions that people wrote into us and like get your reaction. I can throw in my two cents possibly. Um, these are really clever and some of them I'm like damn, why didn't I think of this? Awesome, like mom hack yeah.
Claire Duarte:Basically yeah.
Jill Burke:So one person wrote in I have pretended to be asleep, so my partner would have to deal with a crying kid at night.
Claire Duarte:Have you ever done that Guilty, but only recently Only. I feel like, because I'm like I also look, I'm like I paid my dues, like brooke was a good sleeper, so that wasn't as bad. And early on, um, grant was not a good sleeper, and this was also like through the height of covid, and my husband did not, does not work from home, so I think I always felt guilty. So I took, like I did, all the overnight stuff because I was like he has to like leave like hella early. Yeah, I mean it was still brutal for me, but um, but grant still like has some he's sleeps, but just he still has got some funky stuff. I'm just like, yeah, so I'm guilty of that.
Jill Burke:Yeah, I mean, I've attempted to do that. Um, I swear, is there? Has there ever been like a study on the Y chromosome? What like have they like put little devices on a man's head and?
Jill Burke:like they had the cries machine, going like see what the reactions are, cause I swear, see what the reactions are because I swear it's shocking. Yeah, I mean I can't believe how my husband can sleep through baby cries. Because I have attempted, I have attempted to be like I'm sleeping, the baby's crying, or a kid is crying or something. Nothing, no movement.
Claire Duarte:Snoring Like continuous sleep.
Jill Burke:Yes, of course. Like, not even even pretending I'm like no, he is, he is asleep, no doubt. Um, all right, another funny one that I thought was really good.
Claire Duarte:Um, I tell my kids their noisy toys ran out of batteries, even though I just took them out oh my gosh, I don't even know that we'll take the batteries out as much as, like my husband will either throw away, hide the toy or, if I don't want to, like turn on the tv or something I could get. I could get away with this when they were younger be like, oh, the tv is, doesn't working yeah, the tv doesn't have batteries like I just like, literally like make up the most random and absurd lies for sure.
Claire Duarte:Now they're, unfortunately, getting smarter, oh, and they've also learned they know where the batteries are. So I can't do the battery thing as much, but I was. I did say something about the tv and I'm like oh, the tv's not working, I don't. They know how to use the remote now.
Jill Burke:So yeah, yeah they know how to use the remote better than I do. I swear um this one. Actually someone wrote this in and I recall a mom telling me this story at the pool, like either last summer or the summer before. So they told their child that the ice cream truck plays music only when it was out of ice. And I, yes. And a mom told me that she used that trick and then started coming to our pool and that ice cream truck man knows, when it's adult swim, he is there.
Jill Burke:Oh, they do, they do, he has messed me up because now he comes with the music blaring and she's like the kid's like wait, wait. I thought why are these kids getting?
Claire Duarte:yeah, the pool is a different beast.
Jill Burke:I was like that was brilliant, though that was.
Claire Duarte:That's good for at home, but yeah, that the pool is not gonna work. That's gonna fall apart for sure.
Jill Burke:Yeah, that's a good one um, sometimes I put my airpods in with nothing playing, just so my kids think I can't I think our kids are too little that I don't think that they would ever care, because they're never gonna stop my kids see me actually get on a phone call.
Jill Burke:Like legit, put my air airpods in on a call and then they're like, oh no, now I need to like bother her more. Oh yeah, like they'll. They'll be in like a comatose state of mind watching TV the minute I take a phone call. Jump on a meeting, especially those snow days when we had snow days, oh right. They're like oh, oh, mommy, I now need to have 8,000 snacks, I need lemonade, I need milk. Where's my water? Where's this? Yep? Can you help me use the bathroom Like? Where's my water, where's?
Claire Duarte:this Yep, can you help me use the bathroom, like I mean literally? Well, um, I don't work from home a lot a lot of like, mainly cause I like to work Like I'll go to like a cafe and stuff to be I'm too stimulated in my house or whatever. Um, but we do have an office downstairs and I would close the doors and the kids would just bust them wide open and I would lock them from the inside, but they're like the shitty old ones. You know what I mean.
Jill Burke:So they could just like grant would just.
Claire Duarte:I mean, this is back when I still had like my other, like old full-time job and stuff like that. I'd be on calls and with clients and meetings, and you know, great lady, come up to me like I gotta go pee at a potty. I'm like, here we are.
Jill Burke:Yeah, you know um the beauty, though, like of of your outside of the podcast.
Claire Duarte:Yes.
Jill Burke:The Columbia mom, as I always say to you, is like well, at least we have the name mom in the business.
Claire Duarte:It's built in.
Jill Burke:So people who are meeting with us, like when my little baby comes popping in on screen, we're moms, we're actually moms. So if you're, trying to reach moms. You've you found them?
Claire Duarte:You found them Exactly no, that you found them. You found them Exactly no. That's so true, so well, and on that note, we are moms and we'll find a way to wrap up here, but I think this was pretty fun. It was definitely fun to like chat about and commiserate. Yeah, you know, that's the real truth. But I do think we should definitely talk more about like the potty training stuff, behavioral stuff. We can clearly go on about that.
Jill Burke:Yeah, and also, like we both have gone through Kennedy Krieger, yeah, my daughter suffers from high anxiety, so I think there's a lot like to unpack that a lot of parents don't feel comfortable talking to and talking about.
Claire Duarte:Yeah, yeah, I agree, and I'll say this too If there's any other topics that you want to hear from us, whether it's, you know, kids specific, you know parenting specific, you know, if you have similar struggles that we sort of hinted at that you would love us to talk more about on, or hear an episode on, definitely let us know, like, shoot us a DM, write a comment, an email. We'd love to know any more like you know, topic submissions or struggles you've been going through. But, yeah, thank you so much for your time today, jill.
Jill Burke:Yeah, nothing's off the table.
Claire Duarte:Nothing is off the table.
Jill Burke:For better or for worse.
Claire Duarte:Yeah, Thanks for tuning in to this episode of MomTalk Maryland. If you loved it, leave a review, share it with a friend or tag me at thecolumbiamom on Instagram. I'd love to hear what you think and don't forget to follow the show so you never miss an episode. Until next time, keep showing up, keep supporting local and keep being the incredible mom, woman, human that you are.