WHERE AM I AND HOW DID I GET HERE?

Before we begin, you should probably know what you are getting into, don't you think? I'm Kristofer and I'm pretty much just a guy who's been through some stuff and has a lot of questions about a lot of things.  Probably very much like you.  I am insatiably curious. And, believe it or not, I profess to have no answers for you.  ZERO.  What I do have is a deep drive to explore every angle of a topic.  To  ask the big questions - the tough questions - and hopefully uncover some commonality amongst the billions of different ways each of us choose to live our lives.  Just one rule here:  Kindness and Respect above all else, no matter how uncomfortable  the conversations get, seeking always to better understand ourselves and others.  So stick around if you feel like it.  I'd love to chat with you.

**EXPLICIT LANGUAGE**

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

This is Unsided. Hey everybody, welcome to the very first episode of Unsided. I'm Kristofer McNeeley, and you're probably wondering who the hell is this guy, or else I've directed you here and you clearly know who I am. But if you're listening to me, if you're hearing my name for the very first time, let me tell you a little bit about why I'm here. I have an insatiable curiosity to understand how my mind works and how the mind of other people work and how this world works, society works, the universe, whatever it is. And at the same time, I don't need to hit on one answer. It's this interesting dichotomy, I guess if you will, of constantly researching things, but never looking for a specific answer. Because I don't actually believe there are there are specific answers that are one size fits all. And I I mean, honestly, guys, listen, I am not a scientist, but I would say even around science, what little I do know, things change. We think something's indefinite and then it changes. And I'm not here saying we should question science, the latest science, whatever's happening in our world. I very much believe in supporting science, especially when it comes to medicine. However, I'm always open for the fact that we got it wrong. You know, I'm I'm always open to the fact that as I'm reading the latest self-help help book or I'm I'm talking to somebody about world politics or whatever it may be, that even when I hit on a aha, that sounds right, that I might be totally wrong. And that leads me to constantly wanting to be in conversation and constantly asking questions, which drives my kids nuts. Certainly drove a lot of the adults in my life nuts when I was younger. And it's like an itch I have to scratch. So here I am. I've had this podcast kind of cooking in my brain for a little while. And I as I sit here in the shed that we have behind our house, that my husband has been sweet enough to turn into a podcast studio for me. I'm sitting here at night. It's 11:01 at night. My kids are in bed. I finally have a moment to go scratch that itch. And I think the the most important thing to understand is that I'm gonna say shit that pisses you off. Probably. I'm gonna say other things where I sound really definite about what I'm saying or or how I've experienced something or what I'm currently experiencing. And I might completely contradict myself later or in another podcast. And to me, that's a beautiful thing. I really have a hard time listening to people who sound like they absolutely have it figured out. I'm very skeptical. I find peace and comfort in people who've been through things and can explain them to me, or people who have a base of knowledge that I don't have, and they can talk to me about it and they can explain how that works. Um, and I guess the more practical or linear things are or definable, you know, I it makes more sense. Like, but anything that's measured or anything where there's a science behind it, there's that word science again. I tend to be more accepting of it. But I still don't necessarily believe there's a right way to do most things. And then when we get into emotions and psychology, then it's a whole other mindfield of me living in this space of kind of doubting everything that everybody says and yet looking for those nugget, those nuggets that at any given moment in my life I can hold on to and go, yes, absolutely. That's how I deal with that. And so I read a lot. I listen to a lot of podcasts. And the thing that's been on my mind today that I've been wanting to talk about all day long is the fact that I turned 50 years old this year and I have all these lists of accomplishments in my head, and I am feeling more like I don't know what the hell I've done with my life than ever before. It's it's you know, it's a conversation that I think kind of probably drives my husband crazy. Um, he's very patient with me and very kind, but one day I feel like I've got it figured out, and the next day I don't feel like I have it figured out. And that kind of goes to the point of this podcast. You know, I've never understood intrinsically in my body, understood how you can come to or how someone can walk through life and not be so concerned with whether or not they're doing it right. You know, that's the flip side of this curiosity that I have, and and this like I the fact that I can't commit to a certain decision about something about whether it is the best choice always, or you know, whether it's the only way. Because I am also looking for that final thing that says, aha, yes, that is the answer. That is the right thing to do. And I don't know if it's just my own personal neuroses, or you know, there are those of you out there who who get it, but who who also think that way. But turning 50, for instance, like what is it supposed to feel like? I got my kids, I have my beautiful kids, I have a beautiful husband, I have a I have a really blessed existence, but I'm worried that I'm gonna lose it all. And that I haven't done enough, and I haven't filled up I haven't lived up to my full potential. When does that go away? And what is that magic potion or combination of of life where you just finally go, ah, right? Okay, now I don't have to think about anything anymore. Now I've figured out who I am when I wake up and I know who I am through the course of the day, and I'm and I can look at my life and be very measured about it and go, Yes, that's a life well lived. When when the hell does that happen? Is that something that you're only granted when you look back over your life? Or do you never get there? And people are just pretending to get there? Because I think that's the thing that frustrates me, and another reason why I have this podcast. And and like I mentioned before, when I listen to people or I read people, uh, or I read books by people who just seem to have it figured out. I think really like Eckert Tolle, and I don't know if I'm saying that right, I've heard it pronounced so many different ways. He's written The Power of Now, A New Earth. I recall him telling a story that when he when he had this great awakening that allows him to share this wisdom, and I love those books, and those books really speak a truth to me, um, which I then see in different ways as I read it again. But anyway, I remember him talking about being suicidal. Near like right, right up at the edge of taking his own life. And I I don't want to bastardize his story, so I won't tell it any further. You can go look it up. But I remember thinking, okay, so do we have to get to that moment where something just breaks inside of us and then we go, okay. Or does he still wake up sometimes and think, shit, I don't know if any of this is right, or I don't feel it today? Or, you know, I want to hear him give an interview where he talks about, and maybe they're out there, so forgive me if you know you can point me in the right direction, but where he says, you know, today was a shitty day. Today I did not feel like being in the now. Today I did not feel like I was a part of creating something new. Or is that just me? Like this inner peace that people, particularly across social media and otherwise, or books, or that they seem to have, and I'd mean this with no disrespect. How does one get there? And when do when do we get to stop analyzing? When do I get to stop analyzing, over-analyzing everything and just accept it all as it is? Now, I am not naive enough to say that I I don't think there are actually people who figured that out. I'm certain some of you are listening to this going, Oh, I don't, I don't, I don't identify with you at all, Christopher. I actually do just accept. You just move into a place of acceptance. But what the hell does that feel like? What does it feel like to be so certain when you write a book or when you talk about something that you can say, yes, and this is where my peace is found in that. And this is what I've come to. And when when does it happen? And why does it happen for some people seemingly much, much earlier than others? And for some it never happens at all. I certainly have family members. My father passed away earlier this year, and you know, I I I uh I don't know for sure, but based on some of my last interactions with him, I don't think he had that figured out. But did it happen right before the moment that he died? Yeah, I mean, he died in his sleep, as far as we know, but did he have that aha? Do we all get that gift of going, ah yes, all of it makes sense to me now? So I decided to have a podcast exploring that, and on any given day, I almost feel like I'm a different person. At the core, I know I'm the same person, but different things baffle me. I stumble over different things from day to day to day. My self-worth will be really high one day. I will really understand my meditation and my spiritual practice, I will be committed to my health, and then another day or another week it's flimsy. I never go completely down into the depths. I, you know, I feel like I have a little bit more homeostasis. But as I watch world events unfold, as I see, you know, one administration change to another, and they're so diametrically opposed. Um, when I when I feel relationship shifting as a parent, like some days I feel like I'm an amazing parent, I've totally got it figured out, and other days I think I don't understand any of this. And frankly, today I don't like it very much. But then I go and I sit down and I read a book on parenting, and I try to understand where I'm coming from. And I have to believe there's a community of you out there who do the same thing, you know? Those of you who are 50 or 30 or 40 or whatever it is for you who might be in a similar place to me today, thinking, I don't know. Like, let's see, I start on Broadway, I performed the Hollywood Bowl twice, I started a volunteer program at a very prestigious hospital. I administrated that program for four years. I've produced 60 plus movies and television shows. I have two beautiful children, I have a beautiful husband, I have money in the bank. I mean, I could, the list could go on where I just try to tell myself, Christopher, you've accomplished all these things, but what do those mean? And what am I learning from them? I guess that's the thing. I have to, I need to feel like there's a part of me that needs to feel like when I've reached my last opportunity to ask a question, that maybe I've come to some sort of aha about how all the answers go together. I guess there's a need for me to figure it out. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I just I feel like I need to figure it out and I need to figure out what this half-century mark is. And and even what is the construct of time, not to get too woo-woo, but like these are the questions that happen in my head. And I'm I don't know that I would change this about myself, but certainly I would like to quiet it a little bit. And the way that I do that is I talk. I have conversations. And, you know, I had tried to do this on social media a little bit. It's hard to have conversations on social media. And sometimes I'll have a guest here on the podcast with me. Um, I don't know how often yet. Originally it was going to only be guests, and then I realized it will feel like a conversation. I want it to feel like a conversation. You're sitting in your car wherever you are. I really am talking to you. I don't know you, probably, maybe I do, but I do believe that there is a similarity to the human experience. And you know, there's a reason there are hundreds, thousands of podcasts, whatever it is, because you find the voice that resonates with your voice. And my voice is a voice of curiosity and questions and confusion and contradictions and gratitude. I guess I should say, amongst all in amidst all this, I am really grateful for my life, and I'm really grateful to be alive. And I I almost feel like I sometimes like I'm running out of time to learn all the things I want to learn. You know, I'm trying, I'm really am trying to figure it out. And right now I'm trying to figure out how to be 50 years old and still not have anything really figured out, and be okay with that, and be okay with the knowing more about myself one day and more about the world one day than I do the next. And be okay with the confusion and be okay with growing and having that be painful at times. And you know, being okay with being fifty and not knowing what the hell that means. Being really happy to be here. I I had a birthday celebration at a friend's house, and I looked down at the cake that said 50, and the first feeling that came to me was I'm so grateful to be here and be 50. That's a privilege. And I'm so grateful that I've learned what I've learned. And I'm grateful to be here talking with you and being able to share what my experience of life is, um, and hopefully through our conversation and through the conversations with our guests, we'll learn something. It'll spark something. We'll ask questions, we'll feel frustrated, we'll look at our triggers, and uh maybe it'll scratch that part of your brain too. Just hearing another person who does not pretend to have it figured out and who's gonna say things that you absolutely do not want to take as advice, and some other things that might absolutely click for you that you can work with in your life. So thanks for listening. Um stay with me and we'll explore and ask all the questions together and um try not to pick sides, which there you go. That's why it's unsighted. We don't have to choose a side, just get to look at all the sides. The sides that we see and the sides that remain unseen. How was that? That sounded very deep. Okay, until the next time, take good care of yourself. Talk to you soon.

unknown 14:21

Bye.

Speaker 1 14:22

Uncided.