THE HAPPINESS MYTH

Have you spent your life thinking one day you would FINALLY get to a place where you would just BE HAPPY?  Where all of your particular puzzle pieces would fall into place and you could kick back and coast on the good vibes? Yeah. Me too. That might just be a huge myth.  Or it might not. Let's get into it and you can decide for yourself.

Transcript

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This is Unsided. Unsided.

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Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of Unsided. I'm Christopher McNeely. It's great to have you here with me today in the conversation. I have had this incredible realization in the past few weeks. I've been traveling for work. I was in a country that's very unfamiliar to me, and I'm very blessed to do what I do, and I'm very grateful to do what I do, and I'm grateful to be able to provide for my family. But I do have to travel a lot, and I often find myself alone and alone with my thoughts, which can be a very precarious place, to say the least. I'm sure a lot of you can identify with that because when I'm alone with my thoughts, and I, particularly if I'm not working, you know, when I first got there, I had a few days to acclimate and I had moments to think about how much I missed my family and be so conflicted about having to be con but getting to do what I do and what I love to do. And my mind is a very noisy place. And I know a lot of you can identify with this. There is always some sort of something going on in my brain, even in the best of moments. And when I work, when I have something to focus on, when I have my children to focus on, when I have my husband to focus on, it's very easy to quiet that voice or at least to diminish it. But when I'm alone in a hotel room in a strange country, um waiting to work and I don't have anything to do, you know, I can go, I can only sightsee so much, or I can only distract myself so much, I can only binge so much TV before my voice really in my voice in my head really started to take over. And I've learned to deal with it. I've learned to make friends with him, I've learned to understand him, or continue to try to understand this voice in my head that has a commentary about everything. But one of the things that I realized on this trip, as I was feeling despondent about the fact that I was so far away from home and I was jet lagged and I was tired and all my emotions got much too big, I realized I don't know if I've ever truly allowed myself to be happy. Maybe content is a better word, but happiness is the word that comes to mind because I think it's such an overused, incorrectly used, uh, non-universally defined word. What is happiness? You know, is happiness contentment? Is happiness being okay with everything that's happening no matter what is? I don't know. Is happiness really just allowing yourself to look around and be grateful for everything that you see? Is happiness not wanting more or wishing for more, but being content with what is exactly as it is? Because if that's happiness, I don't, I have flashes of it. But as far back as I can remember, I've just been working to be okay. Now I have moments of happiness. I don't suffer from real bouts of depression. But what I do tend to deal with is this need to constantly be doing. Because if I'm not doing, if I'm not being productive in some way, then I'm left alone with this voice in my head. And the voice in my head says, Christopher, you're not enough. Christopher, this is not enough. Christopher, no matter what you've done, it could all go away tomorrow. Christopher, these are all the things you've done that you could have done better. Christopher, these are all the things that people don't know about you that if they knew them about you, they might not like you anymore. And the voice goes on and on and on. And like I said, I've learned to kind of understand him a bit. I know he's there. I said earlier, I think we've made friends. I kind of think that's bullshit. I don't think I've made friends with this voice because, you know, this this guy inside of me, um, he's been the biggest part of my life for as long as I can remember. And he's not a really uh he's not a very kind guy. Like if if I had a friend who spoke to me the way that my inner voice speaks to me, I don't think we'd be friends for very long because this guy doesn't really give me a break. He doesn't really allow me to feel confident or comfortable very easily. I have to quiet him down in order to feel that at all. And, you know, long story short, I had a moment where I was on my knees and I was weeping with gratitude because this also happens to me. I have moments where I'm completely overcome with gratitude. Some people would call it the Holy Spirit. Well, I don't know what whatever you want to call it. I find myself just completely overwhelmed with how grateful I am for so many things in my life. But that little voice is right back there the whole time. It's like he sits down for a minute and he goes, Okay, you can have your moment, but I'm gonna be right here when you're done. And at some point, not too long after that, sometimes it lasts a few minutes, sometimes it lasts a few hours, but at some point he comes back and he says, Ah, but remember that one thing you did. Ah, but remember the debt that you have here, ah, but remember how you didn't manage your time wisely here. Ah, but remember how that person said no to you. And I grew really tired of it and really frustrated. And I made it my mission on this trip to shut him down, to stop him, to silence him. Yeah, I started really digging in on my affirmations and my meditation, and it didn't work. And it's not the first time I've tried it, but it didn't work. And so I had this moment where I thought, well, wait a minute, wait a minute. Maybe he's not supposed to shut up. Maybe I'm really supposed to make friends with him. Maybe I'm really supposed to just accept him as he is. You know, there's this author named Mel Robbins, and I'm sure many of you know who she is. I'm becoming more familiar with her, and she has the let them theory. You know, if people are going to be a certain way, let them. If people don't like you, let them. If people are gonna be late, let them. Stop trying to control them, stop trying to make excuses. You know, I'm not describing her theory perfectly, but this is what I gather from it. And I thought, well, maybe I'm just supposed to let him, this voice inside my head. Maybe I'm just supposed to let him be. Stop fighting him. Observe him. Allow him. Let him. And as I started observing him, I realized he has no interest in my happiness. He has no interest in me being content. That's not his objective in any way. And then I started getting curious as to why. Well, like many of you, I had some things to overcome when I was younger. I mean, I guess we all do, but my survival tactic became this voice, to lean into this voice who said, Aha, okay, I can protect you over here. I'm just gonna make you hyper-vigilant about everything. I'm gonna make you aware of every shortcoming and every place that you could do better. Don't worry about the wins, you know, you'll feel those every now and then, but I'm gonna be here to make sure you don't get too comfortable in the feeling of winning or the feeling of being, because then something terrible might happen. If I'm not in control, if I'm not constantly in your ear, literally, then everything might go to shit. So I can't let you be happy. I can't let you be content. Don't be foolish. You know, I can literally almost hear him kind of scoffing at what I'm saying right now, and maybe this makes me sound crazy. I don't know, but there is a part of me that has become very aware of this voice, of this part of me that wants to. I don't want to say sabotage because I don't think it's ill-intentioned. I don't think that this part of me or this part of us that rises up to help us survive is ill-intentioned. I think it's just quite literally a survival tactic, a part of ourselves that's very necessary. And, you know, if we make friends with something, if I make friends with him, then I have to be somewhat grateful that he exists, but I also have to try not to change him. I also have to know he's like that friend who's never gonna shut up and it's like he's chained to me, he's never gonna really go away. But does his voice get to be louder than my, I don't want to say my voice, does his voice get to be louder than my my acknowledging the world around me? You know, if I'm in a in a beautiful hotel doing the work that I love to do, yes, I'm away from my family, yes, I have financial debt, yes, I've gone through a divorce. I can list things, definitely like you all could list things. But if I look around, I have all the food that I need. My my children are healthy, my mom is healthy, my husband's healthy, I have beautiful friends, I do have enough money in the bank to pay my bills, even though sometimes it may just be enough. I know the universe always provides more. I have watched it happen over and over and over and over again. So when I really start taking stock of all that, that's when I have those moments of gratitude. And I think that part of me, that voice, let's call him Dave. I don't know why Dave, but just for the purposes of this, let's just call that voice Dave. So Dave wants me to be hyper-vigilant, but there's the part of me that has grown to understand that I can really stop and breathe and look around and take stock of my life and be grateful. But Dave is not going anywhere. And it's kind of like all the other problems that we have in life. I used to think that being happy and really allowing myself to be happy, I couldn't do that until all of my problems were gone, until Dave was dead. Until I could look around and say, aha, I have every single thing that I need and the exact amount that I needed, and nobody's giving me a hard time, and there's no issues and there's no concerns, and nobody's telling me no. It just all works beautifully and smoothly at every moment, which is, I know, not how it works. But if you're anything like me, it's very hard to relax into that place of real happiness and contentment knowing that there are still unresolved issues. That there are things that I have to do that I don't want to do, that there are things that I have to do that don't feel good, that I can simultaneously be grateful for everything that I have and at the same time sad about some of the things happening in my life. I've always thought in very black and white terms, and my therapist used to tell me that was also kind of a defense mechanism. The gray area can feel very uncomfortable for me. The gray area of happiness and contentment is a very new experience for me. And in that gray area, all of the good things exist and Dave exists too. And all of the problems or whatever I'm dealing with at the moment, the I don't even know if problems is the right word, just things to deal with. You know, whatever it may be, a divorce, not for me personally, but maybe for you it's a health issue or a financial issue, whatever it is. I don't personally know anybody who's not dealing with something. I don't always know the details, and I don't watch a lot of social media, so I don't get too caught up in the lives that people present. And I know that people have their issues, but I'm a pretty egotistical person and self-centered person when it comes to my own happiness and my own problems. I tend to think that I'm the only one, even though I know realistically and intellectually I'm not. When Dave starts to speak, he's pretty convincing that it's kind of just me who's made all of the big mistakes, and it's kind of just me who should be a lot further along in life, and it's kind of just me who has to spend time away from his kids, and it's kind of just me who has found himself going through a divorce and in debt. And it's kind of just me who had a lot of shit happen in life, even though I know that's not true, and it makes me sound like I'm a martyr, and I don't walk around actively wanting to be a martyr or a victim, but I have allowed myself, I've allowed Dave to have such a presence and such front and center presence in my life that I a lot of times have postponed my own happiness and contentment. Certainly as like an overarching theme of my life, I've I've kind of postponed it. But in moments I postpone it because I think, well, I can't have this yet because I have too many things to fix. Dave will say, You've got too many things going wrong. When those things stop going wrong, you can be happy and content. It doesn't work that way. And I I know I'm not the only person to say this, but as many books as I've read, and as much as I meditate, and as as much as I lean into being conscious about the choices in my life, I still will find myself kind of in a whiplash after I've had a real day or hour or week of feeling like a victim and martyring myself because I lean so heavily into my fears, into this voice of Dave, and I believe him so fervently that I postpone all of my happiness to listen to him. What happened to me over there was I had a moment where I thought, you know what? I cannot do this anymore. I can't. I don't want to live the next years of my life, the last half of my life, however long I have, I don't want to live that waiting for happiness until all these problems are solved. Because guess what? I don't think either one of those things are gonna happen. So I better just allow them to coexist. And today I had a moment where I was talking to my ex-wife. We still have not solved the financial piece of the divorce. And without going into details, let's just say that we see things still very differently. How things unfolded. And I could hear her victim mentality coming through, although I could hear her trying to be understanding. I could hear it coming through, and it triggered my anger, and it triggered that voice again. And because sometimes, Dave, sometimes this voice does not just talk about me, it talks about other people. It continues to tell me the same story about other people. And I got caught up and I got triggered, and I came out here to the shed and I had to do some work and some writing. And I thought, you know what? I'm not doing this. All the things I was grateful for today, being healthy, me being back with my family after traveling, all these things that came out that I've been feeling blessed about today, they don't get to stop just because I have one conversation, I get triggered, and I decide to give Dave the loudest voice in the room. Does this make sense? Are you are you getting what I'm saying? Because I'm going on with this ridiculous analogy of calling this inner voice, this inner critic Dave. But what I'm saying is that I came to a moment when I was alone where I realized I'm not going to do this shit anymore. And I came back to LA and I was feeling really good. And then I had a moment of a trigger and I felt him try to take over. And there would have been times in the past where I thought, okay, that's it. Or I wouldn't even think, I would just let him take over. Now I could look at him and I separated myself and I thought, no, sir, not today. Not today. You don't get to do this. You don't get to postpone my happiness. I was really happy before you started yapping your mouth in my ear about this conversation that I had. Before you started saying, oh, see, it's never gonna work out. Uh, see, everything is gonna be too hard. Look at all the shit you did wrong. Look at all the shit she did wrong. You know what? I don't care. I don't care. I I I I cannot give that voice, I cannot give those feelings my power, my time. But I also can't delude myself into thinking that they're just suddenly gonna go away because I am 50 years old and he has not gone away. And as far as I can tell, these quote unquote problems or things I need to deal with, they're not going away either. One just trades place for the other because that is life. We live in contrast, we live in a society with a lot of different people and a lot of things to do. So then happiness must exist somewhere in the middle of all of that. Contentment must exist somewhere in the middle of all that loudness, all the dissent, all the moments of grace and overwhelming gratitude that leave me in tears. Happiness and contentment must exist in all of that, which must mean it's a choice, which must mean that I have to redefine happiness and contentment as something that is not black or white, something that is not absolute, something that is flowing. Maybe happiness and contentment for me is just in the knowing that I have a choice at any moment. And sometimes that choice is easier than others. Sometimes it presents itself more clearly than others. But today I had a choice. I could have gone down into the rabbit hole and let that voice take over and argued with Dave all day and all night, or I could have just could do what I did, which is to acknowledge the fact that it's there, let it move through my body, come do something creative, something to focus on so that he didn't have the loudest voice in the room, and then sit down and talk about it with you and share my story, which is why I do this anyway. Because I don't think I'm special. I don't think I'm the only one who has this struggle, for lack of a better word. I think it's all of us. Maybe there's somebody out there who has kind of always understood that balance, but I don't think that's the majority of us. Certainly it's not me. And if you identify, then listen, I think that the only thing we can do is to allow all the things to exist and then choose where we put our focus. And here's the most challenging part for me. Knowing that I believe that I am really, really attached to Dave in such a way to this voice, to this descent, that it feels comfortable. It feels kind of uncomfortable to let him go because I have to disavow all the things he's saying, which I believe are true. All the things that triggered me today in that phone call, I have to say, hey, listen, shut up. I've heard that a thousand times. I don't care. I don't want to hear it again. But I can't compartmentalize it. I have to just say, I don't want to hear it right now while still acknowledging that it's there, still acknowledging that I have the feelings. And in doing that, I feel it dissipating because I felt it. Haven't focused on it. I didn't sit down with Dave and say, sure, tell me everything you're feeling. I just kind of let him yap in the back of my head. And I don't know about you, but it used to be that I would call a friend and I would say, You won't believe what just happened. But for me, that didn't do anything but give Dave a louder voice. Oh my god, I'm gonna so regret that I've been calling this guy Dave when I listen back to this podcast. But my inner voice, I give him a bigger audience when I talk to people. So for me, that doesn't always work. I gotta just let him kind of yap it out and then sit in space and time and remember who the fuck I am. And that that one conversation or these things, they don't define me. They don't they don't take away all of the other things that I had been saying thanks for all day long that I feel grateful for. Or that I'm happy about. There's that word happy again. But they give me that lift and that lightness in my heart. And I used to get so despondent when I would be grateful and then all of a sudden something would slam me and I would get that tension. Well, when I just allow it, it seems to move through a lot faster. Or at least it moves through in a way that doesn't completely disrupt my life. And so maybe that's the journey towards happiness and contentment. I'm sure you guys could point me to many books that already say this, but you don't know some things until you know them. And you know, sometimes I think I shouldn't get on here and talk about anything because I've read all that in a book a thousand times. You guys have probably all heard it too, and you're gonna say, Christopher, I already know that. How did you not know that? Well, I bet you there's some of you that do know that, but it's just nice to hear another human being talk about it. Know this life is not all beautiful moments. But it's not all shitty moments. I want to be careful here because I know some of you are gonna say, oh no, I have all shitty moments. Well, I'm sorry. I've had some pretty shitty times too. Wherever you are in your life, if you're under the illusion that one day you will find yourself in a place where happiness and contentment are always there because contrast never exists, because conflict doesn't exist. I hate to burst your bubble, but I don't think that's the point. I think the point is to find a flow and an evenness with all things and to not give anything negative the biggest part of your attention. And that when you find yourself focused on things that really do make you feel good, if that gets interrupted to just allow the interruption, right? Don't focus on it. But allow it, because at the very least, perhaps it'll bring you around to a new understanding of what it means to feel those kind of graceful, contented moments that you feel. I think that's gotta be pretty universal. Not black and white, but that gray area of happiness and contentment where all things exist and you know you're gonna be okay. And you know that you can choose what you're gonna focus on. So those are my thoughts for the day. That's what's in my heart and soul. I think we're all on this journey. Gosh, I don't like that word journey. It feels so silly, but really that is experience of life. And we're all defining happiness and contentment differently, but I think that the commonality is that it is a choice and that it is not something that happens in black and white. It's somewhere in the gray. Until next time, take care of yourself.

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Uncided.