JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I HAD THIS WHOLE DAD THING DOWN...

What happens when the parenting playbook we thought we had all figured out suddenly feels like it’s missing pages? In this episode of Unsided, I dive deep into the emotional landscape of raising teenage daughters, where joy and heartache coexist in unexpected ways.

This isn’t just about the challenges; it’s about the profound growth we experience as we learn to let go and trust the process.

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by the expectations of parenting or questioned your own worth as a parent when the ground suddenly seems to be shifting underneath you, yeah - me too. Let’s get into it. 

Transcript

Speaker 0:00

This is Unsided. Unsided. Unsided. Hey everybody, it's Kristofer. Welcome back to another episode of Unsided. I hope you're great. I'm always happy to be here in conversation with you. Here's what's going on in my mind today. As I think I've mentioned multiple times, I have two children. I have a 13, almost 14-year-old girl and a 15 and a half-year-old girl. They are my heart, my soul, my joy. Actually, let me correct myself there. And I guess that's the point of this podcast. And let me back up a step. They are, they were, they were brought into this world as part of my heart, my soul, my joy. However, as they are beginning their process of individuating and separating from me and their mother and all of the kind of authority figures that have been around them their whole lives guiding them, as they're doing the very necessary step of figuring out who they are separate from all of that, I find that I'm in an unexpected situation where I am also having to now figure out what my identity is as they begin to individuate. I mean, really, I'm just using bigger words to talk about the fact that parenting teenagers is something totally unfamiliar to me and that I wasn't expecting to have sadness or confusion or frustration or even anger at times around this process of them growing and doing what we as parents are supposed to do, um getting them to a place where they can leave the metaphorical nest where they can go and fly and spread their wings and all of the beautiful things that we want our children to do. And I I think probably like all parents, I knew that that that that was coming. I knew that I would be here. But very much like the beginning of being a father, I had no idea that it would feel like this. I had no idea what it would feel like to be a father. All I knew and all I know is that from a really early age, and frankly, when I talk to people in my life, they tell me more than I even remember how much I talked about wanting to be a father. It's just kind of something that I've always known in my bones that I was supposed to do. And the moment that each of them was born is etched in my memory, like so many parents, and it was pure joy, and like another piece of the puzzle that was complete. And I have loved almost every minute of being a father, even the really, really tough times, because I signed up for it all. I signed up for everything I knew, everything I didn't know, I signed up for it all. And as I look back on the first moments with each child, or the first little period of time with each child, it was like I was witnessing this unfolding of something in front of me. I don't know how to explain it. And I, if you're a parent or if you have children around you, or if you have any way to connect to this, you'll know that words are kind of limiting. For those of us who really, really wanted to be parents. And I don't want to put everybody who's a parent in the same situation. Not everybody desires in the same way to be a parent. Not everybody shares the same kind of zest for it. And that's okay. I'm actually not shaming at all. That is really one of the points of some of the things I'm going to talk about around parenting and around my experience of parenting, is that there are so many expectations externally about how we're supposed to feel as parents, how we're supposed to show up as parents. And I certainly, over the course of my children's lives, have felt a pretty fair amount of guilt and sadness when I didn't live up to these kind of expectations. And I've really had to work, especially now as things are shifting and as they are growing, I've really had to work to understand where I was maybe tripping myself up and holding on to guilt and sadness and shame because of external sources, and where I really was feeling like I was falling short of the mark of being a father, which also is part of parenting. Perfection is not a thing, it doesn't exist in parenting. I I don't know anybody that is a perfect parent. I don't even think that's the goal. The thing that I know for sure is that it is a biological thing that we do so that we can continue the species. That's about it. We're we're compelled, some of us more than others, to create offspring to further our line. People do it for various different reasons. It was the most fun thing that I've ever done. Up until it became really challenging. You know, when they were younger, I was on the floor with them, I was playing with them, I was running with them, I was doing things, they adored me. I was one of them, even though I was a parent, and you know, I did my best uh and certainly, again, have fallen short many times, but I feel like we were really in a vibe. And as they got older, I had to work away from home a lot, and that created some stress and some sadness that I think is pretty normal. Um, I worked really hard to make sure the children and I had a strong relationship throughout that, and they came and were with me as much as they could be when I was away working. And for the past few years, I've pretty much been planted back in Los Angeles where their mother is, because it became clear to me that this time in particular in their lives, they would need my presence, perhaps more than they even did when they were little. When they counted on me for their very survival physically, I was there and then there as much as I could be there while then providing for them and for my family. And then now I still travel, I do what I need to do. The thing that offsets the that travel is that they have very big lives, they have their own lives, so they're kind of still in their lives and doing their things, whether I'm traveling or not. But most importantly, they have some place to come home to with me here in Los Angeles and with uh my husband, their stepfather, whom they're really close to. They have that, so I can now provide, and we can now provide for their mental well-being as much as their physical well-being. You know, they pretty much know how to take care of themselves. So what is going on now? Their mind is on overdrive, their hormones are on overdrive, and they're trying to figure out who they are. And now I'm trying to figure out who I am at this time. I don't know if it's become evident for anybody who's listened to the podcast, even a little bit, but I like to know how things are going to go, which is kind of, I don't know, counter to how I live my life in a sense that I certainly am not afraid to take risks and I'm not afraid to explore the unknown. I'm becoming a father is exploring the great unknown, becoming a mother, becoming a guardian to a child. That's a great unknown. But it develops a pattern, at least for me it did. I became kind of familiar up until about the age that my that my older child hit around 12. So that would have been my younger child around 10. I started noticing this process was happening. And then through the age of 14, and now I'm I'm seeing my older one kind of beyond that age and starting to, we're starting to communicate in a different way. We're starting to, I'm starting to learn more about who she is as, you know, this budding young woman. And then I have my nearly 14-year-old who's, you know, kind of in a similar place that my older one was. So I feel like I, I feel like, or I felt like I was going to kind of understand it. And now I have this nearly 14-year-old who is going through something similar, but doing it in an entirely different way. So I'm having to learn how to parent through this like I've never done it before. And I guess that's not new either. If you have more than one child, you know they kind of come out how they come out. And, you know, there's a certain amount of nurture, but nature is very strong. And so I've always had to parent them differently. I've always had to interact with them differently. But as they individuate more, it becomes for me anyway more apparent. And what is happening simultaneously to that, which I alluded to earlier, is I'm starting to have to figure out and really ask questions about how I've received my value, my worth as a father through the relationship that I have with them. And I have realized that I put my children front and center in pretty much every area of my life. And I don't think that that's a bad thing necessarily. It was a kind of a reflex for me. Whether I was with them or away working on behalf of them, every decision that I made, everything that I did was informed by what I thought would be best for my children. And that's not to say that I'm a saint and I didn't do things that I thought were good for me because that would not be true. I've certainly lived my life. Um, there were a lot of big changes happening, you know, over the past four or five years. I certainly was living my life. But what I was realizing is that as my children no longer had that kind of run up to daddy, I adore you uh vibe going with me as they got older and it was a little bit more like, hey, I want to hang out with you, but I want to find my friends. I started feeling an emptiness. Even as I was working for them or do I and having more time on my hands with them being away with their friends, I started feeling kind of an emptiness. And so I don't think that's really the point of this podcast, but that's something that I've been looking at and something I've been thinking about a lot. How do I de-center my children from my happiness? Because at some point they're not gonna be just one room over. At some point they're not gonna need me even as much as they need me now, right? I'll always be there, but you know this you know how the story goes if you're a if you're a parent. But what I do want to talk about that I have kind of discovered during this process is that it feels like perhaps in the West. I don't want to just say America, but now being married to a Middle Eastern man who was raised in Africa and Lebanon and having expanded my circle in in through my work and meeting people from different parts of the world, there's something interesting that we do in uh in the West. Um there's something interesting that I have found that's happened in my community, which is that we not only encourage parents to center their children in their lives, but we actively shame and judge parents who don't. Of course, I'm not an expert here, and I haven't done any research at all. I'm just sharing with you the things that I think about based on my own observations and my growth. If you've been here long enough, you know that. First of all, parenting is not a competition. Parenting really shouldn't be judged as long as the child is provided for, is taken care of, has food, has shelter, has a stable, safe home. However, people choose to parent, probably that's nobody else's business, right? But we make it our business. And especially now that we hear so many stories on social media. You know, I know I talk about social media a lot, but I think it's really changing so much about our mental health. And that affects parents as well. You know, even in the and I've really started to understand how harmful we are in America, in the West, to other parents. I don't care how confident you are. I also happen to live in California, and while I love California very much, I have noticed, particularly in pockets of California, it's like everybody's child is a star. Everybody's child needs to be paid attention to in a very specific way. Everybody needs to show up with flowers for every performance. You know, when I was a kid, maybe you got flowers at a show. Maybe your parents showed up for every show or every sporting event, but probably not. But there is a pressure now to show up and perform. And I'm not saying everybody succumbs to it, but I noticed how competitive we are with other parents about being the best parent. How much social media and the other people around us make us feel like we have to strive to be so present for everything. If a mother or a father needs to be away working and their child is taken care of, it doesn't matter. I know plenty of people, including myself, who would come home every night to a home and it wouldn't be a functional home to come home to. Presence doesn't mean much. Showing up at events is it's important, but it's also important that your child knows that you have a life. It's also important that your child knows that they're going to be okay if you're not there. I firmly believe this, and this is so different than how I used to feel. I would show up for in every performance when I was in town for sure. I would fly back for things anytime that I could. That doesn't mean I didn't miss a lot because I did, because I would have gone broke just trying to constantly be here with all of the choir performances and recitals and all the things that I love, you know, things that I was sad to miss. But now there's so much happening, and my life needs to grow as well. It needs to grow for them to benefit them. We have college coming up, we have things to do. So I'm really looking at them as they are kind of going out into the world and realizing that they're okay. And it's I who am sitting on this side now, just kind of figuring out what to do, figuring out who I am when they don't need me as much, and unraveling all of the stress that I've been carrying around about whether or not I was being a good dad. And as I'm starting to work through that, and I really am, I'm starting to feel much more confident about it. I'm starting to understand that I was actually not doing my children a service by shifting and changing and making sure that they were always happy because really they need boundaries. They need boundaries now more than ever. I have told both of my children at one point or another, I'm not your friend, I'm your father. I would like to be your friend later on, and I'm here for you. But what you need now is a father. You have a lot of friends. And I've actually seen online different posts of people saying that their parents said that to them and that that was a horrible thing to say. And that kind of just goes also to the topic of this podcast because things affect people differently, but we've gotten so precious about what our parents do or don't do to us, so precious about how they did or they didn't show up, and it's driving parents crazy. The expectations that are placed upon parents, again in the West, and I can't speak for anywhere else because I've never raised children anywhere else. I've never been raised anywhere else, but I have this perspective of my husband and other people in my lives, and I'm telling you, it doesn't occur like this everywhere in the world. And what I observe in people from other parts of the world fairly consistently is an independence that is really admirable. And there are a lot of children in the West, and at times my own children and their friends who I can tell are absolutely not moving towards that independence. They're coddled, everything's done for them. How can I help you? Are you not happy? What do you want to eat? Let me give you five different choices of what to eat. And maybe this is just in California. I don't think so. And I'm not even saying that this is bad. But I do think it's important to realize that maybe we've gone a little too far. And by the way, I'm open to other opinions. I'm always open to changing my mind. I may change my mind by the time I finish this podcast as I talk it out. But we've gone too far with thinking that children are these precious, tiny little breakable things that need to be hovered over and maneuvered around at every moment. No, my child, if my child can go into the world and take care of herself and be a good contributing human being, and she looks back at her childhood and says, My father was really strict, and also he was working, but she has a great work ethic, and she can still say, I know my dad loved me, but maybe he wasn't there all the time, or maybe he had a lot of rules that I didn't like, but she's functioning in life. And maybe she doesn't even like me. Heck, there were certainly periods where I did not like my parents. I'm finally getting comfortable with the idea that I would love it if they liked me and loved me. And we are there now, as far as I know. We're not having any really big issues, you know, I think normal parenting things, but I'm comfortable with the idea that as long as I can make sure that they are happy and centered in themselves and that they know how to go into the world and create the best life possible. That's my only job. And I don't think that comes from making sure that I'm at every choir performance and that they have every single thing that they ask for, that they go to every single event or every single birthday party, or that they're constantly shuffled around and that my life constantly moves around to accommodate theirs. And I know some people are probably going to hear that and think that that is absurd. But if I meet somebody who's around my age, I'm pretty confident that they're gonna be able to take care of themselves in the world. That's something that we learned when I was younger. I think it went too far. You know, I've seen a lot of videos recently about those commercials you remember they used to have that said it's 10 p.m. Do you know where your children are? Like that was a little too far. Uh sometimes my parents were not involved at all. My mother was pretty involved, but sometimes I was left completely to my own devices. I think that's too far, and I think we've learned, and I think we've grown into the understanding that there's a relationship to build there. But I think that there's a mental health piece to parenting that sometimes um is exacerbated by everything that comes at us as parents about what it means to show up as the best possible parent. There's so many debates going on about schooling and vaccinations and um how we allow them to talk about their sexuality and whether, you know, you have them enrolled in 15 things and they're doing all the charity work and they're getting into every school. I mean, there's just so much pressure. And the children feel it. I know my children feel it. And their expectations are slightly skewed when it comes to what the world is going to expect of them, or rather what they can expect of the world when they leave the house. And that's what we're working on right now. And it's painful at moments. It's painful for me because I'm having to not people please my children, for lack of a better word. Um, I'm having to, you know, set those boundaries that we talked about. I'm having to guide them on their way and realize at the same time that I'm probably gonna mess up a whole bunch, and I certainly know that I already have, and then being willing to set my ego aside, set any feelings of rejection aside when maybe what I say or maybe my showing up isn't enough or isn't the right thing at the moment, and just be present. And sometimes that being present is a silent car ride after pickup, after rehearsal, because I asked about a conversation that was still too sensitive. And rather than listen, I had a piece of advice to offer. And I knew I stepped in as soon as I did. And then there are other times when, you know, I am really good at just listening and being present. And I think that's what the most important thing is. Those little moments when we're having dinner or cooking dinner or when I'm reminding them that they need to learn time management and I'm teaching them about that. And even in the frustrating moments, I think that's what the parenting is about. Showing up at every single thing, being present at every fundraiser, buying every single thing that they try to sell you from school, and sending your kids to every single social gathering, or sleepover, or birthday party, or all of that, and thinking that you're not a good parent because you don't do all the things that are expected of you, or because your child's not present at every single thing. I don't believe that that really sends them out into the world with what they need to know. And I don't think it's good. Well, it's not good for my mental health and well-being and my families. It's too much. And I guess it sounds like I have this all figured out. I absolutely do not. I'm coming to you because I just came home from picking up my daughter, and she had had a pretty personal conversation with some friends, and I could feel her getting frustrated because she wanted to talk to me about it, but yet I'm her dad. She'd rather come and talk to her stepfather about it in some ways because uh he's not me. And so it's on my mind because at one point that would have really bothered me. Now I'm just grateful to be there. And I'm grateful that my ego is dying down because my fear and sadness are dying down about the fact that my children are growing up and I may or may not be doing it right. But for those of you who identify with the feeling of stress that comes with the kind of parent we're supposed to be in the West or in America or in California or wherever you are, I feel you. And I don't think it's healthy. And I think if you are a parent who looks at other parents and judges them, or if you are the parent who has to be involved in every activity and you have like good, great, wonderful, but leave the other parents alone. Whatever, however, a parent shows up, if that child is taken care of and respected and they are in a safe household and they are provided for, then let the children be and let the parents be. It would be great to know that we stop judging people on shaming people on social media and we stop pretending we have it all figured out. But I don't think that's gonna happen. It'd be great if we could stop judging ourselves and have easy, smooth sailing through parenting every step. Stage, especially the teenage years. But I don't think that's gonna happen because that's not what it's about. I think it's a constant evolution. And if you sat down in a room with a group of parents, that you would find a lot of similarities, but so much uniqueness to the situation. They are relationships after all. But our children are not ours, they are not reflections of us, they are not someone for us to live vicariously through, they are not trophies to parade around, they are not minions to follow our orders, they are people that we brought into the world that we are giving space to to grow and to learn and to fall down and to get up and know that you're gonna be there. And I think the missing piece for me was that when they started kind of going their own way, even though I was still there, was I there for myself? What had my experience been like? And that's where I am today, really thinking about those things. And really, frankly, kind of annoyed that I allowed any time to go by where I was burdened by society, societal pressures, that I ever let that get to me because let's face it, that's on me. Not everybody lets that affect them. But I know I'm not the only one. And I know I'm not the only father who has experienced the tug and pull of how do I be a provider and a father and kind of do the things that I'm built to do and at the same time show up and be present in all the ways that I want to show up and be present. And that is not to dismiss a woman's experience. I just can't speak to it. I'm not a woman, so I won't even attempt to. I can only talk about fathers. From the moment my children were born, my strongest instinct was to provide and protect. That's who I am. All the other things I've kind of had to learn. I've had to learn how to be emotionally present. I've had to learn how to listen. I've had to learn that providing for my children sometimes means that I can't be there for all of the other pieces. And I've had to learn that when I'm not providing for my children in the way I'd like to be, that the being there is worth I don't know, an immeasurable amount of provision. That it's a give and a take and a tug and a pull. And that sometimes it feels really, really good and sometimes it doesn't. But I think that I can be kinder to myself. I think that we can be kinder to other parents. I think that we in the West can kind of wake up a little bit and stop giving out awards for participation. Just my opinion. That we can stop taking out hundreds of dollars of ads and programs in every program for every concert that our child does. And rather, let me correct myself, we should not feel the pressure to do that. If you want to do it, do it by all means. But we shouldn't be pressuring people to do it. And we shouldn't be pressuring ourselves to do it. We should just be focused on making sure our children are good people, that they're provided for, that they're loved, that they're safe. All the other things are a bonus. And once I stopped being quite so precious, so delicate, so sensitive about whether or not I was doing everything right, I felt lighter. And that's how I want to be for my children. I want to be lighter. I want to be really, really present when I'm present. And I want them to know that I value my own happiness because I want them to value their happiness. And I want them to learn what it means to move through different phases of a relationship and have that consistency of love, even in the tough moments. And in order to do that, I have to ask myself these questions. I have to look around me and kind of look at the environment and decide do I like the direction I'm heading? Do I like where I've come from? I feel like I've rambled a little bit extra in this one. But it also feels true to where I am, to what I am experiencing right now. To being a parent of two teenage girls, a parent who's gone through a divorce, just talking about it even here, even though you're not actually here with me, but just talking about it, it makes me feel better because it makes me feel not alone, and I know somebody on the other end is shaking their head and thinking, yeah, I don't have the answers, I don't think I've presented a single answer for you today. I don't like it when people present answers as though they've got it all figured out. But I can tell you that if anything that I talked about or experienced resonates with you, then I've done what I wanted to do. Aside from just talking and sharing, I'm always hopeful that somebody else can point to my life and say, okay, I'm not the only one. I feel you. Because that eases the burden right there. Parenting is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Also the most rewarding. That sounds so cliche, but it's true, even if the rewards are in my own growth, so that I can be better, so I can show up better. And that's what's on my heart today. That's what's on my mind. I'm gonna go in now. My husband's making dinner. I'm going to spend some time with my family and be grateful. And I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful that you sit with me and that you listen. And I hope wherever you are, you are well and you are loved. And I look forward to the next time we're in conversation. Until then, take good care. Bye-bye. Unssided.