#183 From Red Flags to Resilience: Rebuilding After Toxic Love

Have you ever felt that something was “off” in a relationship — but couldn’t explain why?

In this deeply grounding and empowering episode, Rose Davidson is joined by trauma-informed relationship recovery coach and author Romilly Golding to explore how women can move from red flags to resilience after toxic relationships.

Many unhealthy relationships don’t begin with obvious abuse. They begin quietly — with subtle control, confusion, self-doubt, and moments that feel small enough to dismiss. Romilly shares how these patterns develop, why they are so hard to name, and what’s actually happening beneath the surface.

Drawing on her forthcoming book 21 Red Flags: Spotting the Subtle Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship and her lived experience, Romilly introduces her powerful four-step recovery framework:

Recognise — identifying subtle red flags and validating your instincts
Respond — coping strategies and protective tools while still in the relationship
Rebuild — restoring safety, stability, and nervous system regulation
Reclaim — reconnecting with confidence, autonomy, and personal sovereignty

Together, Rose and Romilly explore the psychological and physiological impact of prolonged exposure to toxic dynamics, including how the body holds stress, fear, and hypervigilance. Romilly also shares practical tools women can use in real time — from power phrases and boundary setting to understanding the motivations behind controlling behaviours.

This conversation is compassionate, practical, and deeply validating. It’s for anyone who has ever questioned their reality, minimised their pain, or wondered if they were “overreacting.”

If you’re navigating recovery — or supporting someone who is — this episode offers clarity, language, and hope for what healing can truly look like.

CONNECT WITH ROMILLY

Website: https://www.romillygolding.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationship_recovery_coach/

Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/1HPNbTltLVrZ15k07yITJo

PROMOTION: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1a8cKr5qCYgdPCB7AmKYHhPeDJsX0qFJZ/vi ew?usp=share_link
♥ ♥

Transcript

Intro | 00:00
The Healing Through Love podcast with Sharlene Lynch and Rose Davidson. 

 Sharlene Lynch | 00:03
Hello, I'm Sharlene Lynch and welcome to Healing Through Love. We're here to shine a light on hope, resilience and transformation in the journey to end domestic violence. Each week we share with you powerful stories, practical tools from survivors, advocates and experts together We create a space, a safe space for healing, inspiration and change. I'd love to welcome you to our very special guest today, Romalee Golding, who is from the UK, so the other side of the world. She's a UK-based trauma-informed relationship recovery coach. That's a long word. And she is the author of 21 Red Flags. She's spotting the subtle signs of unhealthy relationships. We're going to dive in deep today and explore what that looks like. She's drawing on her own journey of leaving controlling relationships and overcoming economic abuse. Romilly now empowers women to recognize the red flags, break toxic cycles and rebuild confidence. Through coaching and community, she helps survivors restore self-worth and reclaim joy and create happier futures. Hello Romilly and welcome. 

 Romilly | 01:22
Hi, Sharlene. Thanks so much for having me. 

 Sharlene Lynch | 01:25
Such a privilege. Now, obviously, there's a story behind all of this. And I love that you've got this life experience that you've now been able to articulate, you've been able to translate that into a book. And now you speak to people around these, the red flags. 
 So But some of our listeners might not know what red flags are. Could we give it a definition? 

 Romilly | 01:48
Yes, definitely. I would say like the red flags is when it becomes a pattern. 
 So the red flags are behaviours that we can find problematic. They're typically the kind of things that make us feel inside a kind of maybe a funny twisting sensation or we can feel a bit constricted. Often we kind of pick it up in our body first. But not everyone has kind of problematic red flags all the time. We're all human. We can kind of slip up sometimes and say the wrong thing, etc. 
 So I would say that, you know, the real hallmark of a red flag is that if you have a physical sensation and reaction to it, a kind of feeling that something's not quite right. And then I would then say that when it starts to be problematic and start to bring in kind of toxic dynamics, it's when those red flags become kind of malicious and crucially a pattern. 

 Sharlene Lynch | 02:40
Yes, you know, we so often judge others by our own intention and if we're a good soul, we can see other people behave maybe badly. I don't know, it's a loose word. And we just give them grace because we think they're having an off day. We think, maybe it's me. 
 Like we give ourselves all these different stories of what's happening behind the scenes because we're judging others by our own intentions. So would you say that it's particularly empaths and people who are a little bit more empathic, really, I can't think of another word, that end up being drawn to the people that have these red flags, these people that have behaviours that are not conducive to a good relationship? 

 Romilly | 03:25
I mean, I think we can say empathic. But I think to be honest, I think any men and any woman can end up in a toxic relationship. And it's not necessarily that we are an empath, et cetera, that we're going to attract a narcissist. A lot of this is kind of bandied around in the last couple of years, right? Talk about empaths and narcissists and kind of attracting these toxic dynamics. I think in my journey and in a lot of the research I've done for the book as well, and kind of talking in my community of women, it really is, it comes down to a couple of things. It comes down to self-worth. It comes down to boundaries. But I would say you know, as you know, on your podcast with so many experts and really strong men and women who've been in these relationships, it is that you are kind of The emotional abuse and the coercive control is a form of psychological warfare. And however strong we might be, over time, we're just ground down and we become subject to that dynamic, right? 

 Sharlene Lynch | 04:28
Let's have a look at self-worth because obviously now as a survivor myself, I'm that was I said I had struck great self-worth but come on I didn't I kept going back for more and so clearly I didn't and so yes it's about boundaries but let's just talk about and unpack self-worth how do we know how do our listeners know have if they've got solid self-worth that if we could measure it from a scale from one to ten how could we determine where our self-worth is. 

 Romilly | 05:02
I mean, I think it's important to add that self-worth can be developed as well. So for anyone listening, worried that they... But they think they may not have a lot of self-worth, I definitely think it's like a muscle and something that we can build. I think the defining factor of having self-worth is being able to kind of check in with yourself and honour your needs and feelings and be able to ask for your needs to be met as well. When we're not in such a place of self-worth, that's where we let other people kind of trample over our boundaries, where we kind of self-abandon and we let other people kind of dictate what our needs are. 
 So I think it can be like a sliding scale I think probably different times of our life we can kind of go up and down that scale but it is definitely a muscle that can be built. 

 Sharlene Lynch | 05:49
That's reassuring to know okay let's talk about boundaries so you've interwoven that into the story of red flags and you've just mentioned it again now where do they fall into place. 

 Romilly | 06:02
Yeah, so I'm just going to go back to something you said before. And this is really key, I think. One of the reasons that women and men get stuck in these toxic relationships is, as you said, we often have a kind of maybe unspoken framework of what is acceptable. And I think many of us women suffer from kind of benefit of the doubt-itis. And we kind of... We will let things slip and we'll brush things over. And as you said before, people are having a bad day or it's a rough patch, etc. 
 So I think that is where kind of boundaries come into play, being able to really kind of know for yourself, you know, what is a red line in the sand for you and what is really not okay. You've had other really excellent guests on your podcast. And I agree when they say when you're having dates, so you're having interactions with new people, it is worth having a lot of space in the early stages. Kind of dating days and even though it might seem a little bit forced kind of taking time after those dates or after those telephone calls just to kind of go over what was that thing he said that was a little bit funny that made me you know kind of back to the somatics back to the body that made my kind of stomach twist or that made me feel a bit constricted when he said that so I think boundaries can go hand in hand with a kind of knowing what we want and you know being able to stick to them as well. And again, I would say to anyone listening, if they think they do have poor boundaries, because I think I've definitely had poor boundaries in the past, it is something that can be learned. In my book, actually, I have kind of every chapter is very practical. And at the end of each chapter, I have a taking action piece. And I have phrases in there that we can say. And so just practicing strong phrases, and It happens in relationships, it can happen in the workplace, can just help us kind of feel more comfortable when we're setting boundaries and asserting our needs. 

 Sharlene Lynch | 08:00
I love it. Okay, so there's so much to unpack in that. 
 So I know as a woman who was the receiver of family and domestic violence that yes, I thought my self-esteem was okay. In fact, others would have said that it was, but clearly it wasn't because I kept going back for more. And I had set up these boundaries. 
 Well, I thought I had, but in the early days of the relationships, you know, we just, the little bit of attention that they gave us, me, us the generic us that it's hard sometimes because it feels good and if our self-esteem our self-worth isn't where it needs to be those ego strokes those and we become like almost addicted to the dopamine fix of i want more of that and we don't give it space and If you're with someone who's doing a little bit of love bombing as well, they don't give you space. They hurry you along in the sensation and move you forward. 
 So I want to dive into what you said about somatics and how you feel it in the body. And how do we know where to feel this and what does it turn up like? And is this a good sensation or a bad sensation? How do I unpack that for my body? 

 Romilly | 09:13
Yeah, definitely. So I think this is really, I think this is really key and probably slightly varied for everyone. 
 So I would say for your listeners who are interested in this, they can keep an eye out and see where it is turning up for them in their body. So in the book, I write about kind of different places where you can feel it. I would say, and you can have a think Sharlene as I'm speaking, that It can turn up in your gut. As a kind of twisting sensation, like a lurching sensation, just something doesn't feel right. It can feel, I've often had it. 
 Yes, I would say that we can feel things somatically in the body in different places. So some people might feel it in their gut, in their stomach, it might express itself as a kind of twisting or a lurching sensation. 
 Some people may feel it around their chest or their heart space as a kind of constricting feeling. Some may feel it in their neck and around their throat, almost as though you can't get your words out, that you're stuck for what to say. And I would say that, you know, you can kind of have other body sensations, like even feel slightly shaky, slightly trembly in your hands, because in fact, it's a, it's one of the trauma responses, right? We're going to go into kind of flight or freeze or fight and it's our body reacting to an external stimulus that we know is not okay. And the more we can kind of tune into our body, the more it's such a powerful signal that something is off. And it could be the, you know, the person we're dating in front of us. It could be a kind of aggressive boss, etc. 
 So it's so powerful to be able to practice and tap into our body and go, hang on, I'm feeling a bit kind of constricted or why am I suddenly feeling a bit panicky? 

 Sharlene Lynch | 11:49
I hear you. It's like you're taking me back. Back in time. I had problems with vomiting and diarrhea and I had like visceral like responses. My body was screaming out to go pay attention and I wasn't. And I just missed everything and just kept on moving forward because I hadn't put that space between thought and action. I did like the dopamine hits of making me feel good and increasing my self-worth. And it's not like as if I was a stranger to it. I knew it and I still kept going back for more. 
 So let's unpack a little bit more about red flags and what are the things that I need to be looking for as, say, for instance, I'm a single, I'm not now happily married, but if I was single and I'm on the dating game, like what would I be looking for as far as these red flags in the dating game? 

 Romilly | 12:45
Okay. So buckle up, right? Because I have 21 red flags in my book. Okay. 
 So the book literally is called 21 Red Flags, Spotting the Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship. And it is kind of hard one. Wisdom from my own relationship experiences, many women that I've spoken to, the book took me over kind of four years to write. 
 So collating other people's different experiences. And I would say that when I was in the end of one of my relationships, I kind of used it as a case study. And I was able to recognise what was going on and I realised that I'd been here before and I was like, hang on, I can spot what's going on. And I kind of call it case study because, which can be like a useful terminology, because in fact, as you'll know through all the experts, there are classic kind of textbook traits that keep showing up again and again when we're on toxic relationships. But what I did want to try and do is run the whole spectrum and really pick up on some of the smaller things that we just kind of brush off going back to the benefit of the dietitis. Because I think some of the communication around kind of domestic abuse and coercive control can be really blunt. And actually so blunt that if we are just a woman in a marriage and we have a feeling that something's not right and her husband is maybe being funny about the money and occasionally he says something quite nasty to us and we feel that, you know, he said, you know, I don't want your mother coming around because, you know, she never does anything for us. 
 You know, it's not awful. You're not being hit. But there's just I don't find that there's like a middle space where anyone is talking about kind of the smaller, subtle red flags that I actually believe at the tip of the iceberg. 
 So if you don't mind, I can go through some of those and just kind of list out what I've got. So the first chapter starts with obviously control. And someone in my research cohort put it so beautifully. When you're in these relationships, you feel as though you're on an invisible leash. Just going to let that land because it's kind of how you are. Just changing and manipulating yourself to kind of fit the other person, whether it's how you're dressing, how you're coming home from work, how you're not going for those after work drinks because you just know, you know, it's just not worth the effort. And it can be in terms of communication. 
 So obviously I start off kind of outlining control, but just going through some of the other ones, I talk about little rules. In case this is landing with anyone. Intensity, obviously, we talk about love bombing, but I talk about intensity. When you can't get off the telephone, you're kind of not allowed to get off the telephone, late night conversations, etc. Background turbulence. I think is a key red flag, which can be someone going through turbulent kind of divorce or just got custody issues, maybe kind of between jobs, moving house, etc. Again, I do a caveat because obviously we do all go through kind of life changes, but some background turbulence, people being dragged through courts, etc. Is a red flag, actually. Roller coaster of good times and bad. I think this is really one of the ones that really does a number on us actually because we have you know we can have really good times with these people and then it will turn And then it will come really, you know, great again, you know? 
 So rollercoaster is something to look out for urgency and communications, something I call, Time suck? Draining your time Getting you involved in their kind of lengthy projects, etc. It's actually a way of them testing your boundaries and how much you're going to give, how much time are you going to spend with them? Are you going to clear out their garage on a Saturday afternoon? Are you going to accompany them to their elderly relatives? Are they... Going to ask you to, you know, look over their paperwork. In fact, it's dominating your time. 
 So looking out for time suck is a red flag, wounding words, obviously, and eye rolls and those kind of demonstrations of contempt, nitpicking, mood swings, sabotage, ruining great days, ruining family events, ruining your birthday, forgetting your birthday, etc. Accusations. I have a whole chapter called Can't Let It Drop. I'm just dredging up the past. And putting like a nasty spin on things, you know, just painting you with a narrative that you just can't seem to shake off. Bringing you down, isolation, that's kind of a classic one, but I would say it's not just kind of moving your way or moving for someone's job. It's kind of denigrating your friends and family, kind of rubbishing your friends, rubbishing what you like to do. Character assassinations, callousness, just a real lack of... Not necessarily in a sociopathic way, but just a lack of empathy, a lack of tenderness, a lack of care, a lack of cherishing, you know, black and white thinking. 
 And then the last three, I've imagined quite a lot of women have gone through sleep sabotage, which was one that really hurt. Just foxed me for a really long time and I didn't know that I was going through it but I think when women wake up to this being with men who suddenly have like an early morning routine and just not letting the woman sleep or staying up really late watching you know films on their laptop next to them not putting the headphones on etc not letting you rest in the car just not Letting the woman or the man actually, you know, just get adequate rest and maybe portraying them as weak, etc. Then I talk kind of towards the end about kind of the effects. On women kind of long-term in terms of what I call like losing it. You're just kind of feeling foggy, you know, bunch of mystery illnesses, you know, plunging mental state etc and the final chapter is I talk about money and economic control as well so i might have left a few out but I don't. 

 Sharlene Lynch | 19:00
Think you've left anything out that is huge and i can think of a person's name next to each one of those what does that say about my dating life i don't know wow this is powerful now really listeners you need the book Yep, you need the book. So we're going to put the link to the book. Is that right? Yes. Thanks, Romilly. In the show description and in the show notes as well. Because this is a book that you don't just want to read once. It's like a handbook. You want to refer to it and, you know, give yourself a check up from the neck up and see, Is this okay? Or what am I looking at as a red flag? I love this. It's not all doom and gloom though. Once we have a better understanding of what we're up against, we can strengthen our boundaries to have better conversations. We can shift and elevate our self-worth, our self-esteem, our image of self. And we won't stand for these behaviors when we expand because And we won't be magnetically attracted to them. 
 So I know that's a quite a topical conversation and maybe we'll leave that to another time, Romilly. Maybe we'll have you back and we'll have a chat about, you know, magnetic relationships and how we attract them and what we can do. I love this. This has been amazing. I'm looking forward to diving in deeper and having further conversations with you. Romilly, just in closing, what would be your final words of wisdom? 

 Romilly | 20:27
I would say check in with your body. It's something that I was really disconnected with my body for a really long time. I was very much in my head. I would overthink things. I'm a Virgo. I would analyze. I would dump on my friends. I think at the core is when I've learned to check in with my body and go, hang on, I'm not feeling quite right. Then I think that is the key to getting out. 
 Yeah. 

 Sharlene Lynch | 20:48
Another fantastic episode of Healing Through Love. Thank you for joining us. Bye for now. 

 OutroThank you for joining us for this episode of Healing Through Love. You can get further resources See the show notes or simply reach out to us via our website at htlaustralia.org. Thanks so much for joining us and we look forward to your company next time on the Healing Through Love podcast.