Alive

CONTENT WARNING: This episode includes candid discussion of depression, burnout, and suicidal ideation. Please listen with care and prioritize your well-being.

What does it mean to truly feel alive after you’ve nearly lost yourself? This week, I’m joined by Rachel Molenda — DJ, entrepreneur, and founder of Reunion, a women’s dance party movement rooted in joy, community, and remembering who you are.

But before Rachel was creating space for others to heal and dance, she was navigating a deep, disorienting depression that brought her to the brink. In this conversation, she speaks honestly about what it was like to be in that place — when even getting through the day felt impossible — and how music, movement, and community slowly helped her find her way back to herself.

We talk about:

• What it feels like when your light starts to go out
• The role of dance and movement in emotional regulation
• The pressure to “heal” before feeling joy again — and why that’s backwards
• The link between nervous system health and our capacity to experience joy
• How creativity, connection, and radical honesty became Rachel’s way through

Rachel's courage in sharing her story is a powerful reminder that joy and sorrow aren’t opposites — they’re companions. That remembering who you are sometimes begins when everything else has fallen away. And that healing doesn’t always happen in stillness — sometimes it happens in motion.

Learn more about Rachel and her work:

• Follow @rachelmmolenda on Instagram
• Join the @thereuniondanceparty movement
• Visit her website at rachelmmolenda.com

Host & Producer: Jenn St John
Editor: Andrew Schiller
Website: www.jennstjohn.ca
Follow along:
Instagram: @jenn_stjohn
TikTok: @jenn.st.john
LinkedIn: Jenn St John
BlueSky: @jennstjohn.bsky.social

If this episode spoke to you, share it with someone who might need to hear it too.

Subscribe, leave a review, or just send a little love—your support helps these conversations reach the people who need them most.

Transcript

Podcast:  The Shadows We Cast

Episode Title:  Alive

Season:  1

Episode:  11

Host/Producer:  Jenn St John

Guest:  Rachel Molenda

Running time:  38:00

Content Warning: This episode includes discussions of mental illness, addiction, childhood trauma, suicidal ideation and emotional abuse. Please listen with care.

TRANSCRIPT

 Rachel Molenda  00:02

My light was starting to go out, getting up in the morning, just feeling like, who started to feel like my brain actually wasn't mine. It actually started to feel like, whoa. I feel like I'm gonna do something that I don't actually want to do right now. I don't think I ever really understood what mental health challenges really meant, or mental illness really meant? Do you think that? Yeah, you can mindset your way out of it, and you can meditate your way out of it, and sometimes you can't.

Jennifer St John  00:34

Hello and welcome to the shadows. We cast a podcast about what we carry, the impact we leave and the messy, beautiful reality of mental health. I'm Jen, st John, a writer, business owner and a mental health advocate who grew up in a family shaped by mental illness. Some of it was heartbreaking, some of it darkly funny, and all of it shaped who I am. Today. Here we're going to share honest conversations, stories from me, from you, and from those who have walked this road in different ways, through journal entries, letters from my mom and real conversations, we're going to pull back the layer on mental health, the tough parts, the moments that shaped us and how we move forward together. So grab a coffee, settle in and let's talk.

Jennifer St John  01:25

Before we begin, just a quick note. This episode includes personal stories that touch on mental illness, addiction, trauma and suicidal ideation. These are tender and complex topics, and while they're shared here with care and purpose, they can also be difficult or activating to hear. So please take care in choosing when and where you listen. If you're in a vulnerable place right now, or you have little ones nearby, it might be best to press pause and return when you feel more up to it or have the space obviously your well being comes first. I also want to gently remind everyone that I'm not a mental health professional. The conversations that you hear on this podcast are grounded in lived experience mine and the stories that are generously shared by others, my reflections, questions and opinions come from that place, not from clinical training. Our goal here is to create connection, not to diagnose. This is a space for real stories, for honest conversations, and hope that in hearing them, we'll all feel a little less alone and maybe a little bit more compassionate. 

Jennifer St John  02:28

Okay, so this episode I titled Alive because at its heart, it's about coming back to life, not just surviving, but really, really living, feeling joy in your bones and dancing like you mean it, and laughing when you don't think that you ever could do that again, and slowly, sometimes painfully, reclaiming the parts of you that you thought were gone for good. Today's guest Rachel malenda knows that journey intimately. She's a DJ, a creator, a business woman and the founder of reunion, a woman's Dance Party Movement rooted in joy, community and remembering who you are. But before that, she was navigating the dark fog of depression, of burnout and the slow unraveling of an identity that no longer fit her story is one of quiet bravery, creative healing and rediscovering aliveness. On the other side of survival, it takes so much to speak openly about mental health, but it takes even more to talk about the moments when you didn't want to be here anymore. And that kind of honesty isn't just brave, it's generous. By naming what so many keep hidden, Rachel creates space for others to feel seen less alone and maybe even with a little bit more hope. I'm deeply grateful for her for showing up with such honesty, softness and strength. Now, before we dive into our conversation, I want to share something personal. This is a letter that my mom wrote to me during a time when I too was trying to hold onto my spark. Always be so happy, hon, always be so fulfilled. Always have excitements around your life as well. Of course, always have very valuable downtime. Always be at peace with your core. And very importantly for you, babe, always have that challenge, that which keeps one alive with energy and feeling you have Joie de Vivre and always maintain that hun never let any circumstance or person ever rob you of this. So that was a letter that my mom wrote to me when I was in my 20s and I was living out west in Edmonton, and it's one that I've returned to many times, sometimes for comfort, sometimes as a reminder of the love that she gave me when she was in a more stable place. Because the truth is, when my mom was well, she showered us with all kinds of love, and she believed in us so fiercely, and she wanted us to live these big, joyful, meaningful lives, there were darker seasons. To ones where the light felt further away, but notes like this were a window into the part of her that knew how important it was to protect our Spark, even when she knew hers was flickering. And that brings me to today's guest, Rachel Melinda, knows the journey of tending that inner flame, of finding joy after darkness, choosing a life that aligns deeply with who you are, and that she's carved a path back to herself, and in doing so, she's lighting the way for others. So welcome Rachel and thank you for being here.

Rachel Molenda  05:34

Thanks for having me.  I feel emotional. Wow, I'm honored to be here.

Jennifer St John  05:39

Oh, thank you. I'd love to begin by having you share a little bit about your story with us. What was life like during the times when you were struggling and we didn't have this beautiful light that you have, and what brought you to that turning point of when things began to shift for you?

Rachel Molenda  05:57

Yeah, I think that's why I feel emotional. I'm just so grateful that you have a podcast and are having these conversations. Because I think people, including me, we look at people who are, you know, in their souls work, and they're doing it, and we think that everything's great, and I feel like I'm living that now, so many of my dreams have actually come true in the past year, from being in a career that is so a match for who I am and meeting who I believe is the love of my life, after a lot of singleness and dating experiences. And the truth is that I wouldn't be here without those moments that brought me to my knees. And so the context there is that I've been an entrepreneur for the past eight years or so, and when I experienced my depression, it was in 2020, so when the pandemic hit, and it was after a short but very intense relationship in November that year, and people always ask me, like, what caused it? And I could pull on threads and be like, Ah, maybe it was this, maybe it was that, but I've never experienced anything like that before, and essentially what was happening is where I was situationally, is I just got my own apartment. I wasn't even sure if I could afford it at the time, and I was kind of using it as a place to, like, escape that relationship, because I had moved in with him during the pandemic war, like I gotta get out of here. And then I was still running my Intuitive Eating coaching business. I just launched a product and and learning how to do all these things for the first time, and feeling very stressed and overwhelmed, worried about money, yada yada. And I just felt like my light was starting to go out and getting up in the morning, just feeling like, whoo. As the days passed, it started to feel like my brain actually wasn't mine. It actually started to feel like, whoa. I feel like I'm gonna do something that I don't actually wanna do right now. And that was the first time where I felt like I don't think I ever really understood what mental health challenges really meant, or mental illness really meant. Do you think that, yeah, you can mindset your way out of it, and you can meditate your way out of it, and sometimes you can't. So I remember calling my mom, and for the first time, sharing with her that I was having suicidation, not planning anything. So I've learned there's a difference. But those thoughts were coming in like, oh, I should, I should go. I should end this. And of course, like a mom, hearing that from her daughter is heartbreaking. Before I actually shared that with her, though I remember calling her and I was like, Hey, I think I need to come up north with you for a bit having a hard time here, or maybe you can come here. I was in Toronto. She was up north. She's like, Oh, I could come Friday. And it was Tuesday at the time, and I just looked at her, and she's like, Friday's too far, isn't it? And I was like, Yeah, every hour counts here. She's like, okay, I can come tomorrow. And then I think I called her back, and she's like, I'll be right there. I just packed up my thing so fast and went to her place.

Rachel Molenda  08:49

Oh, man, I can talk about these things. It's just like, Wow.

Rachel Molenda  08:56

It was so scary, so scary, as someone who has so much light and a desire to live like to have thoughts of you should kill yourself, was like what I don't actually want that. And feeling so scared that I was gonna do something I didn't want to do. And I think of the way my mom just swooped in and was an angel. I was just sitting on the couch, just like dead, and I still remember the mac and cheese she made me.

Rachel Molenda  09:35

I was like, hey, I need to go on medication, because, you know, when you're below baseline, you just you don't even have the capacity to meditate, to go on that nature walk, to dance like I remember trying to dance then and not really knowing that was a thing that would leave me here. Now, within the next week, I started going on medication, and then now we're on Christmas. I think I slowed down my business. And within that month, I started feeling okay. Now I'm out. Baseline, and I would still have, like, some sort of numbness, but now I'm at baseline, and okay, now I can dance, and now I can meditate. Now I can go on those nature walks. And I ended up staying there the whole winter. So I left my apartment in Toronto for like, five months. I moved up north. I was a northern girl. I would like go snowmobiling, ice fishing. I met the neighbors, winter hiking, and, yeah, built a really beautiful relationship with nature. And I feel like that kept me into source and really built my relationship with me. And that was the depths of it. So that was 2021, I guess, four years ago. Now, I haven't experienced anything like that since I was on medication for two years after that, maybe, actually, no, maybe a year and yeah, like, there's still times where I can get down to that level of fast again. Wow, it doesn't scare me as much. Now I'm just like, Okay, this is here, and that was like I was in a depression. Now it's more so I can recognize when my mental health is being challenged and when I got to hone in and care for myself and the work that I'm doing now as a DJ, lol, as a DJ, and the creator of a woman's Dance Party movement called Reunion, that so lights me up. 

Rachel Molenda  11:17

People say, like, Oh, you just seem born for this. And the way that you like you're just so human. And honestly, I feel it's all those experiences, it's all those moments that brought me to my knees the two years prior to birthing reunion. It was very hard, and I felt so lost. As someone that is ambitious and wants to find the meaning in everything is very hard. I wouldn't be able to meet the other people on their sort of soul searching journey in the way that I'm able to if not for that, so grateful that I made it through that and all these challenges and like, happy it's behind me, and even then, it's still roller coaster, still hard days, but of course, it's different now. So that's the wild four years. 

Jennifer St John  11:54

That's a wild four years. Yeah, our son went through this last year, and we were in crisis mode for about four to six months. So from being a mom, I can really understand being in your mom's shoes and obviously just picking you up and loving you as hard as you possibly can, it's a really hard place to be in, because we all know this, but she can only do so much, and at the end of the day, it's you. You're the one who's going to do all that hard work and pick yourself up or pull yourself out, or however you want to describe it. But like you said, going from that place that's below the base, and getting up to base, and then pulling yourself much further than that, too. Yeah, in those moments now, you talked about when you got to baseline and you could actually go outside, maybe dance a little bit, maybe meditate a little bit. In that fragility, what do you think moved there?

Rachel Molenda  12:56

I think if I were to say, like, what was contributing to the depression when it was I think I was really burning myself out with work. And you know, a lot of my survival things were like, I was being tested, but I got my own place, and I was like, can I really afford this? Like, my gosh, it felt crazy at the time. And so I was just always worried about making it, and literally just thinking, oh my god, am I gonna be okay, sort of thing. And then that relationship I was in was very unhealthy, and I think that messed with some things as well. Some things as well. But I feel this too. When I get sick, even when I get a cold, like a really bad cold, it knocks you down so much you just have no energy to pretend or perform. And I think that's where it brought me, where it just cut the fat, cut the bullshit from everything, where I was like, what actually matters here? I'm fussing about likes on Instagram, fussing about performing well, and it's like whatever, what actually matters. It's kind of like when you experience a death. It just reminds you of the fragility fo life. 

Jennifer St John  13:50

Yeah perspective, right? And for sure, I think being able to take a step back and be with your mom and be in a different place, I imagine that helped quite a bit for you. Yeah, you've talked about before how the healing process helped you reconnect with your joy and your creativity and even your sense of purpose. What did that journey look like for you, and how did it eventually lead to what you're doing now? 

Rachel Molenda  14:13

Oh it's funny looking at videos from that time, because I was turning to dance, not realizing, like, what I do today, and I was trying to move, but you could tell I still wasn't fully embodied in my body yet, but I was discovering it. And I've always been interested in music and dance, and I had a musical theater background, and I loved performing growing up, but I was put on shows for my family. 

Jennifer St John  14:36

It doesn't surprise me at all. 

Jennifer St John  14:37

I know none of us are surprised, but people are like, Whoa. You're like, a DJ you're doing this now. I'm like, Yes, and it's not actually surprising at all. It's just like, Oh, finally you made it. You got overall stuff of like, being this coach online, which, I mean, the cool thing is that I'm like, You know what, I've pivoted a lot, and I kind of killed it in everything. So I'm like, No, that's actually kind of RID any fear if, for some reason I get over DJing one day, I'm. You're supposed baking. I'm like, I would love to be a really great baker and, like, decorate cakes. So don't be surprised if I have a bake shop one day.

Jennifer St John  15:06

That'll be the next chapter. 

Rachel Molenda  15:08

That'll be the next one. But, yeah, I don't remember dancing that much then, but kind of turning to it. I mean, hard times do lead to some of the best art. I think I was writing a lot then. I really love writing. So I was like, starting to, like, nurture that creative side of me. And then the true sort of activation of me getting into music at dance was me going to my first rave three years ago, when I was 31 and just being like, oh my gosh, I felt so alive. I was like, getting all these business ideas on the dance floor, but also had a lot of shame over it. I was like, What am I doing raving in my 30s. I should have done this. Like, years ago. I used to judge people that used to go to raves. I would see photos online, and I'm like, that looks stupid. The music is annoying. I'm like, most typical, conventional path goes to her first rave, keeps going to raves, goes to Burning Man, becomes a DJ. 

Jennifer St John  15:58

That's pretty awesome path. 

Rachel Molenda  15:59

It is pretty awesome. The raves were like a big sort of inspiration for me with music and dance.

Jennifer St John  16:06

It's so interesting that you were so against this, and then you went through this period of time in your life where you know perspective change, and you reconnected with yourself. And what came out of it was this new path for you and this new openness for you. And I firmly believe that all the dots connect as we keep going on through life, and so this was the right time for you to be doing this. And yeah, obviously you're just beaming light. Anybody who's listening to this and not seeing Rachel, she just beams light beautiful. So many people feel that they need to fix themselves before they can be creative or joyful again. What would you say to that version of somebody listening? 

Rachel Molenda  16:47

Oh this is a great question, because that was a huge inspiration for this work. So I had been in the personal development healing world for several years, and, you know, climbing to new levels. I studied mindset for a bit, and achieved a lot of cool things. And then what I noticed is that it didn't stop, and it was like you would arrive at this place of like, maybe meeting a financial goal or getting something you wanted, and then there was another thing. And so you're always in this place of feeling like, where I'm at now is not enough, and I gotta get there. And even on the healing side of things, all my social plans being surrounded by healing. Oh, let's go do this. Breath work. Let's go do this. Let's go do that. So then we can be social, but we can also make sure we're healing at the same time. And I just reached a point where I was just like, I don't think we need to heal anymore. Like, how many fucking levels can we can we get to, right? Like, before we discover there's just more levels? Yeah. And I was like, You know what? I think there think the world needs? I think we just gotta have fun. And it was kind of reflective of what I was experiencing on the dance floor. I was like, this is fun, this is living, this is connection. And I feel like on the dance floor I heal and I grow and I learn, but it's not about that. I don't go for that. I go because it's fun that inspires me, and then, as a byproduct, I get all these other things, but it's not, it's not the main focus.

Jennifer St John  18:06

 Yeah, it makes you feel alive, healing and processing. I mean, that's all a part of life, and it doesn't stop. It's ongoing, but you have to feel alive. Like, what's the point? if you don't get that feeling?

Rachel Molenda  18:17

That's it.  Yeah, I think healing is great. I'm so grateful for all the work that I've done and the untangling to understand why I am the way I am, and when I show up, like learning how to take ownership for that and for my reactions, yada yada yada. And then at a point, it's just like, Okay, let's live. You know what the best form of healing is getting into relationship? I feel like I am healing so much right now, all my stuff is coming up 

Jennifer St John  18:43

And again, all the work that you've already done, I imagine that's just opening a lot up in the interpersonal relationship. 

Rachel Molenda  18:50

Totally. 

Jennifer St John  18:50

No, yeah, yeah. Oh, so you've made some very bold and beautiful pivots, from coaching to DJ. What gave you permission to follow what lit you up?

Rachel Molenda  19:01

the discomfort of staying in a place that was misaligned. Yeah, that's one thing that I have never really struggled with too hard. Like, I know a lot of people feel cool mind to do that, and I have my own set of self doubts and limitations, but it hasn't really been that. And I think it's like what I said, I just get to a point where I just actually can't do the life that I'm living anymore, like when I burned down my podcast, I was so done. I was like, I cannot record another episode. And I remember talking to my podcast manager at the time, and I was like, we'll finish this season, and then after that, I need a break. And she's like, well, what if yous didn't come back. And I was like, Oh, I'm excited by that. And permission. She Yeah, she gave me permission. Actually, you know what? That's right, other people did give me permission, like seeing people before me do things, I think back to even coming into owning my body, owning my curvy body, owning the fat on my body. I had a friend in my late 20s who. Who is in a curvy body, and just like loved herself for the way she is. And I was like, Oh, we can do that. She was my permission slip. In that way, we always have permission slips. You're right, yeah, yeah, 

Jennifer St John  20:12

We do. It's very interesting how they show up, yeah. So how does music, especially dance music, play into your healing and what does it do for your nervous system, your spirit, your story right now?

Rachel Molenda  20:25

It's very formulaic. Beat drops are dopamine inducing. It just gets you into this basically meditative trance, like state where you can turn off that thinking brain and get lost in it. And that's why I say like when I would be on the dance for I would channel. I would get business ideas. I would get clarity. I would get that reminder of, like, wow, I am made for bigness. It's like, I would get into that heart led place that wasn't led by limiting beliefs and self doubt and just that belief and remembering of who I was, which is like, that's what inspired reunion. Reunion is all about remembering who you are. And I believe that when we remember who we truly are, that's where we get the clarity and confidence and courage to go for what we want in life.

Jennifer St John  21:08

I'm such a proponent of creating a calm nervous system, a calm mental health because I believe that too, once you get to that place and sit with yourself there, then everything else can spring from there. But you have to get to that place. You have to be comfortable getting to that place for sure. 

Rachel Molenda  21:22

Yeah, yeah. The moving of energy as well. For our nervous system, it's become normalized. For me, when I am in a funky state, or when I feel irritated or angry, like I'm shaking, I'm like, huh, right? Dance is so important and impactful in doing that as well. 

Jennifer St John  21:38

Yeah, and it's really just movement of your body. It isn't necessarily what people think about when they think of think of dancing. It's just meant, yeah, it's funny. I since 2017 which was the year I lost mom and then lost dad in 2018 my sisters and I, we started to go to a yoga retreat with a couple of women that had led it here from Barrie, but it was international, like we would travel and go somewhere, and we've continued to go. So we've gone many years now, and just last year's, they always give out a little bag for everybody. And one of the things in last year's was this bracelet, this red bracelet here, and I haven't taken it off. And I also had to leave that event because of what was happening with my son, but I needed the reminder and the visual reminder. So I'm so visual, to have joy in my life again. And one of the things I started to do again, which I hadn't done in so many years, and I had said this to my sisters, I don't just dance anymore, like in my kitchen or in my office, or if I hear a song and I'm like, Oh my gosh, that makes me feel awesome. I don't just move. And since that event, and since having this visual reminder, I completely started to do it again. And it's, it feels so freeing, like it feels, it makes you feel so happy, yeah, and it's just you moving and feeling good. It's like, how can that not be great?

Rachel Molenda  23:00

That's it. Yeah, I feel like if we're not responding to it, we're shutting down from it, or shutting off that part of ourselves. But from primitive days, our body was designed to move and respond to drum beats, and you know, it was like a way that we gathered community and that that was healing in the past, yeah? 

Jennifer St John  23:17

Well, and reunion is a community. We're missing it so much right now. So what do you hope that, just to talk about community, what do you hope that people feel when they show up to one of your reunion dance parties?

Rachel Molenda  23:30

I hope, especially if they show up alone, that they instantly realize they're not alone and that they're in a room full of people that are just as weird and unique as them. And I'm very clear, like I do a little opening Tony Robbins talk at the beginning, and I say, I say, if you came here to be a cool girl, like you can drop that persona right now, I feel like that happens in so many spaces now, especially like influencer spaces, uh, influencer events that are like community where we're all just on our phones and trying to be cool. 

Jennifer St John  24:01

No, not your definition of community. 

Rachel Molenda  24:04

It's not my definition of community. Yeah. And so, like, I actually someone said this to me, and I thought this was really cool. They're like, Rachel, you are like the girl for everyone. You are like the nerds best friend and the cool girl's best friend. Like, you can kind of like chameleon with everyone. And I think that's true. Like, I've always kind of been a floater, like I'm able to connect with anyone, wherever they are, and unfortunately, there are societal hierarchies to that, and in the space that I create, I feel like what we've done a really good job of is blurring those lines completely. Everyone feels like they belong. They can be in their full expression. They can choose to connect with others, or they can do their own thing, and it's totally okay. I desire for them to feel alive, to maybe leave with a new friend or a new connection, and just to know that there's a space for them. When they do forget who they are, they can come back to that, remembering.

Jennifer St John  24:55

Yep, oh, makes me want to sign up for the next one. Tell. I see it every time I see it on social media, I'm just, oh, just, looks amazing. What do you know now about joy that you didn't know four years ago?

Rachel Molenda  25:09

In the past year, I have experienced so many highs, and right after those highs, I experienced the biggest lows. You know, my podcast did really well. We won podcast of the year. And you have experienced cool things, and I spike it, and I go high, or I'll do a launch for something, and it goes great, and then I crash after and it was so confusing. At first, I thought that this was like me living out my dreams. You know, this is what I wanted. And why am I sad? And now I'm just like, Oh no, it's just physics. What goes up must go down. So when joy is here, I really strive to be present in it and enjoy it, and I also know that when the opposite comes, it's okay. The other thing I've been learning too is our need to expand our capacity for joy. What I mean by that is you could be experiencing everything that you've ever wanted, but if your nervous system isn't primed to receive that, you're not going to feel any of it. So, for example, I met who I believe is the love of my life, back in December, and it was just so magical. And yet I actually couldn't feel it all. I couldn't, like, take it all in really, yeah, even in January, we threw a 400 person dance party, and that was a mission. I was a mission. I was like, I'm gonna do this thing. And we did it. I actually can't believe we did I thought. I was like, okay, for sure, we'll do 250, maybe 300 but I don't know if we'll do 400 and then it was like a week up from the event, and we're at 300 I'm like, tell everyone you know I'm doing this dance party on Saturday. They gotta come. And we did it. We reached like, 425, in the end, Oh, wow. And so cool. And people are coming up to me being like, you did it. How does it feel? And I was like, I actually can't feel it. I couldn't feel all the joy. I was still in this mode of maybe not feeling deserving enough. But what was cool is we did something similar in March. We did a 500 person party reunion with this other big dance community called Chocolate groove and Luna woman's exotic dance. And that one, because I had already experienced the January one I was preparing for it, I could fully take it in, like my nervous system was calm, like I was calm throughout, and I was like, This is amazing. I was like, we'll have fun. Yeah. So I think that's it. Like, expand your capacity for joy. There's a reason why our dreams don't show up on our doorstep tomorrow. Because if you aren't ready to fully receive it and fully take it in, you're gonna self sabotage it all the way.

Jennifer St John  27:29

Absolutely for sure for me, since losing both my parents, I also lost my aunt too, in 10 months, and there was for sure a wall like I was living my life, I was doing my stuff, but I could feel a wall. And even in the last year, I meet with about six fantastic female business owners here in Barrie, a mastermind, and be doing it for a few years. We meet once a month, and we just had ours recently for March, and one of the members is saying to me, your energy has changed. The whole last year, your energy has changed, and I do, I feel like the wall has gone, but I also feel like we're not very good at celebrating our wins. I'll say that, especially as an entrepreneur, I feel like there's always so much that we're dealing with that it's hard to not just keep thinking, Okay, what's the next thing? What's the next thing? Or you're already working on the next thing. So you really, literally just shift from one thing to the next. So I think that's a big piece of the puzzle as well. Yeah, so if the person you were during your hardest days could see you now, really see you now, what would you want her to know?

Rachel Molenda  28:38

I'd want her to know that it's okay to take her time and just to trust that it's like there's nothing else you actually have to do. You just gotta be you more. Think the reason why all this has happened in the past year is that I really came into, like, being myself and owning fully who I am. And there's layers and layers that I could do further with that. But for context there, in the past year, I think I stopped pretending I was someone that I was not. I stopped pretending I was doing better than than I was. I used to drive an Audi q5 didn't tell anyone it was my dad's that he passed on to me. Didn't tell anyone that I had to kick it five times to make it work. And eventually just reached a point where I was like, This feels like suffering every time I get into this. But I was like, I was so afraid to let go of it. I loved being seen as someone that drove an Audi but it didn't work. And this is when I first started doing DJing. And I would drive to gigs, and I'd be like, okay, thank God I got there. Like, I'll just figure out how to get back. It's like, one time I couldn't get back the day it died. I went to get a parking pass for new apartment that I'm living in, and I got the parking pass for that car. And then I got back in the car, and I wouldn't start. And I was like, All right, we're done. And then I got a Hyundai Tucson, which has love, I love my car, but I had to buy a car, and I couldn't get an Audi, but I got. Clear. I'm like, hey, what do I actually need and want? And that car is such a representation of me, being true to me. And I just started doing that in all areas of my life, in the way that I dress, in the way that I schedule my life, in the way that I show up, I just started being me, yeah. 

Jennifer St John  30:16

Well, that's a pretty great place to get to, and I think it's one that a lot of people struggle with, yeah, yeah. So in your life right now, what are you unlearning?

Rachel Molenda  30:26

Unlearning perfection in relationships and humans, and that one's coming up a lot, this idea that that you meet the perfect person and then everything's just like great, or that they won't make mistakes, or that they have flaws, like it seems obvious, but I think this is why I do trust that in dating, like everyone that came before me wasn't the person, but even now the person that I'm with, there's human moments where, in the past I'd be like, Oh, this doesn't work for me. I'm gonna go but now the difference is, I know that I want to be with this person. So maybe that thought starts to come up when it feels hard, and then it's like, wait, but I want to go like, I want to be with you. So I got to work on this. That's been a really cool lesson of learning the value and commitment and devotion to something, and it requires work, and it's still hard in its own ways, but it's so worth it. That's a big one right

Jennifer St John  31:21

now, big one. It also sounds like your nervous system isn't in fight or flight.

Rachel Molenda  31:24

Also that, oh yeah, yeah, noticing a lot of that, yeah,

Jennifer St John  31:29

because that makes, I mean, for me, it made a huge difference with my relationship. I mean, I've been since I was 20, I've been with my partner. Oh, wow. And coming into that out of my childhood. I mean, my fight or flight instinct was massive, so yeah, that my 20s were a roller coaster, but I think that once our nervous systems realize that we're safe and that we're going to figure it out, I think a lot changes with all of your relationships.

Rachel Molenda  31:55

That's so beautiful. I'm actually very excited for that, because you think, I mean, when I was dating in the past, I was like, oh, all these guys, they just got their stuff, and then getting into, like, a healthy relationship. I'm like, I've got a lot stuff. I've got a lot of stuff here. 

Rachel Molenda  32:11

but that's I could see how that happens. And I'm inspired to hear that like, you know, just to have compassion for our little scared parts that are wanting to run, and then also seeing, like, the value of when you start feeling safe, which comes about from being vulnerable and letting yourself really be seen in all of it, which is icky to me. I love being seen like I have it all together.

Jennifer St John  32:33

so well, and all the work that you've done to really set yourself and realize this is who I am. This is how I want to live my life. Like, yeah, it almost can't happen unless that happens too. Yeah, yeah. So in closing, I wanted to ask you, we're doing a hashtag movement around mental health with create calm mental health, and we're asking everybody who is on the podcast if they have, I'm sure you have lots, but if you have something recently that you've been doing, or something that you'd like to share about what helps you to regulate your nervous system, and if you want to pass on any information to us.

Jennifer St John  33:11

I think it depends on, like, what state you're in. Again, I will always say music and dance, but sometimes that feels like too much, too stimulating. So I'm gonna say, if you're toast, if you're absolutely toast, just create room for stillness. First and foremost, I feel like for the past 12 months, I've just been running in a really fun way, but I haven't stopped. And then in the last couple weeks, I finally had a chance to stop, and I remember the moment I laid down on my bed, and I was like, I feel like this is the first time I laid down on my bed in like, several months, and like, actually stopped and was, like, took it all in. Not to say that's gonna fully regulate you in that moment, but just protecting your energy as well. My boyfriend's traveling right now, so I've had a lot of time on my own, and I'm feeling myself restored. Of just like, focusing on me again and really self honoring. Okay, what do I want to do in this moment? What do I want to eat in this moment, moving your body, period. I've brought movement back in my life in the way of reformer Pilates, and that feels so good.

Jennifer St John  34:08

I love the reformer. I have one.

Rachel Molenda  34:10

You do?

Jennifer St John  34:11

yep,

Rachel Molenda  34:11

wow. 

Jennifer St John  34:13

It's the secret best exercise in the world. 

Rachel Molenda  34:15

Yeah. And you can do, like, so many cool things with it, and they're fun,

Jennifer St John  34:20

yeah, they're fun, and you can never not push your body as much as you want to.

Rachel Molenda  34:24

Yeah, that's so awesome. Yeah, I would say, like, I guess blanket statement movement,

Jennifer St John  34:30

that's a great one. That's awesome. Well, thank you so much for being here with us today. 

Rachel Molenda  34:34

Thank you for having me. 

Jennifer St John  34:36

We're gonna share all the information when we wrap this up with how people can find you, how they can join in on the reunion dance parties. 

Rachel Molenda  34:43

Yay. 

Jennifer St John  34:44

I'm going to commit to going to one, at least one this year. Amazing. And I really look forward to seeing you there and seeing how your light continues to shine.

Rachel Molenda  34:53

Ah, thank you, Jen, thank you.

Jennifer St John  34:57

There's a moment in this conversation. That I keep coming back to, and it's when Rachel spoke openly and honestly about not wanting to be here and about what it felt like to sit in that terrifying place when the light just felt so far away and every hour counted. It takes beyond courage to say that out loud, and it takes clarity, compassion and unshakable desire to turn that pain into something that might help someone feel less alone. We thank her for that. She also reminded us that joy and pain aren't separate, that they live beside each other, and they shape each other, and they teach us how to feel that duality, that sense that joy and sorrow ride the same wave. Is a truth that I think many of us carry in our bones, even if we don't always have the words for it. Because being alive doesn't mean that we figured it all out. It means we're here. I mean it's the human experience. We're breathing, we're learning, we're becoming. It means we're showing up in the kitchen or on the dance floor, in a therapy session or in the quiet of our own thoughts, it means we're remembering who we are, even when we forget. And sometimes healing doesn't come in stillness. Sometimes it comes in motion, in movement, in music, and finding the courage to take up space again, to feel good, even when Joy feels foreign or hard to hold. And that's what this conversation was about. That's what being alive looks like. Now before we go, I want to invite you to join our hashtag create calm mental health movement. This is a space for sharing the creative ways that you care for your nervous system, whether it's journaling or walking or dancing, like we talked about today, painting or simply taking a breath. Share it with us, tag us, and we're building a collective library of tools to help everybody kind of come back to themselves. If this episode resonated with you, I would love to hear from you. You can connect with us through the show notes, on social media or by visiting our website, Jen, st john.ca, and that's J E N, N, S, T, J, O, H n.ca, and if you'd like to support the podcast and help these conversations reach more people, please consider subscribing, sharing the episode or leaving a review. As you know, it really does make a big difference now, especially considering what we talked about today. If something difficult has come up while you've been listening, please don't sit with it alone. In Canada, you can text or call 988, anytime for free confidential mental health support. And you can also reach out via text to the CMHA by texting 6868 68 to connect with a trained volunteer through the Crisis Text Line in the US, the 988, suicide and crisis. Lifeline is available 24/7 by call or text, and that's for anybody who's in emotional distress, not just in crisis. And for our listeners in Australia, you can call Lifeline at 13, 1114, anytime, day or night, for free and confidential crisis support. Thank you for being here and for listening and for holding space, for stories like this, for more information on Rachel and her incredible reunion dance movement, check out the show notes for all the links, and we've included everything you need to find her, to follow her or maybe even join her on the dance floor. Soon, we'll be back next week with a conversation that expands our understanding of transformation, this time through the lens of womanhood. I'll be joined by the amazing Jesse Herold, who brings the wisdom of a doula and the insight of a scientist to powerful conversations about mattresses, not just the transition into womanhood or motherhood, but the many hormonal, emotional and identity shifts that shape a woman's life. We talk about what it means to become a woman, to move through our childbearing years and to eventually move into a new season of self after that. We also talk about the quiet grief that often accompanies these transitions, and how like all transformation, they ask us to let go of one version of ourselves, to make space for another. So until then, take care of yourselves and keep finding your way forward. 

This transcript was created for accessibility and connection. Thanks for listening to 'The Shadows We Cast'.