Behind The White Coat - Real Talk For Physician Spouses

#13| Moving, Motherhood, and Maintaining Balance: Insights from a Medical Spouse

• Amanda • Season 1 • Episode 13

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Lisa Alemi shares her journey from full-time orthopedic physical therapist to stay-at-home mom to pelvic floor specialist while navigating life as a medical spouse. She offers honest insights about finding confidence in your parenting role and creating systems that help medical families thrive amid the chaos.

• Transitioning from career-focused physical therapist to stay-at-home mom after realizing she couldn't juggle clinic management with her husband's surgical schedule
• Creating the Relocation Guide after moving cross-country with a 4-month-old baby and selling thousands of copies
• Developing Move Mama Move from a blog into a platform supporting parents through major life transitions
• Reframing "default parent" as "primary parent" or "lead parent" to recognize the importance of clearly defined family roles
• Adapting to different seasons of life as family needs and medical career demands evolve
• Knowing your personality type and creating routines that work for your energy levels
• Outsourcing strategically without breaking the bank through online grocery shopping, mother's helpers, and childcare swaps
• Building confidence in your parenting decisions and trusting your intuition

Connect with Lisa on Instagram @move_mama_move and visit her website for parenting support, pelvic floor therapy resources, and relocation guidance.

Click here to access Lisa's PDF resource, which offers practical insights and tools for thriving as a primary parent. 


Speaker 1:

Hello everybody and welcome to today's episode. So excited to have you here, but even more excited to introduce you to my sweet friend, lisa Alemi. Lisa is a medical spouse, mom of three, pelvic floor physical therapist and the founder of Move Mama Move. With a background in orthopedic and pelvic health therapy, she's passionate about supporting women through pregnancy, postpartum and the everyday challenges of motherhood. What started as a blog about moving and parenting has grown into a trusted resource for relocation, family life, pelvic health and home organization. So I can't wait for you to meet her. Let's dive right in. Lisa. Thanks so much for being here today.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, Amanda. Thank you for having me. It's great to be here.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I am so, so excited to have you here, and I know I did a brief intro, but I'm going to shift it over to you and let you kind of tell us a little bit about yourself and your family and what all of that looks like for you.

Speaker 2:

Just to give a little background information. So I first met my husband 15 years ago when he was in residency and I had just moved to San Francisco as a physical therapist and worked in an outpatient clinic and we dated for a really long time. I'm sure a lot of people can relate, that's like us.

Speaker 1:

We dated for a very long time.

Speaker 2:

And eventually, after residency, moved to Seattle for his fellowship and then, after a year, moved to Kansas city for his first job after training and I, during this time, had just switched jobs from one orthopedic clinic to the next. And then, when we were in Kansas City, decided to start having kids, and at the time I was managing a clinic, an orthopedic clinic, and I realized that managing an orthopedic clinic and raising a family while being married to a surgeon was going to be really challenging. And while I know many people are up for the challenge, I realized that I couldn't handle juggling all of that, so I decided to stay home after my first was born and since then, gosh. So since then I have an eight-year-old, a five-year-old and a two and a half month old, and so since then we've moved again to another part of the country and now I've gone from full-time orthopedic therapist to full-time stay at home mom, to part-time pelvic floor therapist, who now is just on maternity leave, spending full time with my family right now and kind of reassessing what comes next.

Speaker 2:

So, I'm taking that pause right now just to see what works for our family.

Speaker 1:

Good for you and thank you for painting that full picture. You guys had a lot going on and you were juggling a ton. And that's hard, as it is just being married, but let alone having kids, let alone being married to a surgeon it adds a whole nother element to the stress and the weight of the things that you were having to juggle. So thank you for painting that picture for the listeners. And when you decided to stay home, how old was your first?

Speaker 2:

So when my first was born, I had in my mind like, well, I'm going to go back to work, like that's what I do. I have a doctorate degree. Like I'm not going to stay home and like not use my degree. And in the back of my mind there was like a little seed that was like what are you doing, lise? Like with my husband's schedule? I couldn't always rely on him to be available. So a lot of the things fell on me and it was like who am I doing this for proving or doing, and who has to deal with, like the consequences of the chaos? And I realized it was me that had to deal in my family, but I had to be the person to keep things moving and keep the ball rolling, basically. And so I went back to work very part-time when he was maybe 12 weeks old. Like I went once a week or twice a week and then after like three weeks I was like what am I doing? Like this is not that.

Speaker 2:

That was the reality check, where I was like in the place that I was working I was just a body, like I could have very easily been replaced, but, like at home, I couldn't be replaced, right, right, and I had a great nanny at the time, a part-time nanny who came in when I wasn't there. But it just didn't feel right and we were also in the process of moving across the country. So I was like this is a really good time for me to just take a pause. I don't want the stress of looking for another job. I don't know what I want that job to look like and I really really just want to be home with my son. Like that was really important to me. I wanted to be the primary person taking care of him. So yeah, then I decided to stay home when he was like three months old. So it was a very short lived career while being a mother, but I realized that worked best, yeah.

Speaker 1:

And, I think, trusting your gut. You know some people it works great for them to go right back to work, which is amazing, and then other people want to be home or want to do part-time and be able to do both, and so there's no right or wrong, but trusting your gut and figuring that out for what works best for you I'm learning as I have gotten older is to trust my instincts, right, and I think having that question like you were saying, what am I doing? What is my end goal? Who am I doing this for? And I think that kind of probably guided you through the process of knowing what you wanted to do then.

Speaker 1:

Yeah absolutely yeah, yeah. So I wanted to touch base on I know you said you had all of these moves, so basically a professional mover by now and that's how Lisa and I met through social media. Thankfully, it is a love hate for me as far as social media, but I've met so many amazing people and I think this is how I stumbled upon you through social media, potentially reading your blog, but it led me to your relocation guide and that was how we got connected and I wanted you to touch base a little bit on the Relo guide and how it came about. But for those of you that have not seen it and you are in the moving process or you are going to be moving in the future, it is phenomenal.

Speaker 1:

She did not leave anything out. All the things that you don't even know you need, plus the things you need, are in here. I have done a bulk order and given to my clients as they relocate, whether they're leaving from here or moving here, and I think I was telling you I actually have to purchase another bulk order because we're out, but every one of them has loved them and I'm so grateful for you. So I would love for you to chat a little bit about your Relo guide, how it came about and go from there.

Speaker 2:

Yeah Well, thank you for being so supportive. Yes, I always joke with my husband. I'm like I have my internet friends and then I have my real friends and he's like who are these people?

Speaker 1:

And I'm like, no, we're just, we're great friends, but like even though they're in person, we're still friends, we're still good friends.

Speaker 2:

Right, right, no, so does. The relocation guide came about when we were doing that first move, when my first son was four months old. I'm a list person and I always joke. I'm a former type A Like. Being a parent has kind of taken me out of that type A personality a bit, but as a list person, I need to check things off a box to know that I'm getting things done right. And we were moving cross country and this was my first time to really have the time and energy to like do it right.

Speaker 2:

All the other moves before felt rushed and uncomfortable and I just felt scattered during those moves and I was like you know what?

Speaker 2:

Now I have a baby and I'm a big believer that, like, my kids feed off of my energy, and so I knew if I was going to get stressed out during this move, then I was going to have a stressed out infant and that doesn't sound like a good time. And so I went online. I was looking for some lists to see what I could find, and there wasn't really anything out there that fit how my brain worked, and so I started making lists. And I was making lists of, like, what I needed to keep track of inventory wise, what we were spending, budget wise, what I needed to do at the old apartment and what we needed to do at the new apartment and who did I need to contact for moving it and the management at the apartment complexes and the city for getting a parking permit, and all the things just felt a little overwhelming, and especially after having a kid you know how they joke about like mom brain, oh yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's still true when they are 17 and 19. Okay.

Speaker 2:

So I'm prepared. It hasn't gotten better in eight years. So I realized I needed to keep track of everything on paper because it wasn't working in my head and I wasn't feeling at peace about it. And so I made like a beta version of this planner, of just things that were helpful for me, and I put it on Etsy and I was like I wonder if it'll sell. And I sold like thousands of copies and I was like, oh, this is actually like really needed, and so I went. I went a little bit further and hired a designer to help me create like an cause. The original version was just a digital version and so I hired a designer because I wanted to create like a physical copy.

Speaker 2:

I'm a paper person, I have a planner. Like I can't do things on my computer and phone all the time, and especially when it comes to like working out logistics of a major event. And so I worked with this designer and I created all the lists I could ever think of for moving and really tried to put myself in the shoes of anyone that was moving in the future and try to make it as easy as possible so that moving wouldn't be stressful. At least the logistics of it would be smooth, because there's bound to be something that comes up. That's an issue whether something gets lost or broken, or the dates don't coincide with when you need to move in or move out and the movers are late or not trustworthy or whatever. And so I just put together a guide that, basically, is like a plug and chug for anyone that's moving that doesn't have to do all the thinking, and they can just do the checking.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I mean it is basically all done for you. You guys, like Lisa said, a digital version. She also has a hard copy that is bound, so everything is in there together. I am also a list maker, but many times you've got multiple lists in all different directions, not all in one place. Some are sticky notes, some are on the back of something and you can't find it, even though you know you wrote it down. And so here it keeps everything together and I love it from start to finish, so it even has the information in there, as far as when you're actually looking at houses, all the way to when you close, the things that you need afterwards, keeping track of paint, and I mean just anything and everything you could think of. Lisa has already done it for you. So I highly recommend it and, again, like I said, my clients love it. Okay, so Lisa, tell everybody a little bit about what Move Mama Move is and what they could find if they looked for you or went to Move Mama Move. Just a little bit about that. So Move.

Speaker 2:

Mama Move originally started as a blog.

Speaker 2:

Like I said before, I was staying home with my first child and I needed something to kind of stimulate my brain and so I created this blog and it started as a moving parenting guide but it's starting to kind of transition into more of a moving parenting and health platform per se, like it's a platform that helps parents like simplify life, navigate transitions and feel like more confident in their journey of parenthood.

Speaker 2:

I didn't touch on this before, but I, since moving our last big move, I've gone back to work part-time, very part-time, two half days a week, where I do pelvic floor therapy with pregnant and postpartum women and I've really found a passion with that and I feel like there's a lot of missing education for women that are thinking about getting pregnant, are pregnant or just had a baby. Move, mama Move, is kind of focusing on the major transitions of life, whether it's moving, whether it's becoming a parent, whether it's trying to get your house in order. I want to kind of encapsulate all of the changes that we as moms go through and I'm using that platform to create that space and I've been working on some projects that are going to be coming out later this year, even early next year, that I'm really excited to talk about when they come to fruition.

Speaker 1:

That's amazing. Well, I don't know what the new projects are, but I can't wait because I feel like anything that you put out has so much value, and so, for those of you that have not gone to her website, move Mama Move or follow her, haven't heard of Move Mama Move before. I highly recommend it. I wished that I had known about this and you were around when my kids were little. I love to see all of the creative ways that you are teaching your children, with hands-on fun activities, with responsibilities that you give them at home, and just all your creative ideas that include them on things. But they seem to be so eager to also learn and eager to do these things, even if it's small, little household tasks and them having chores or, like I said, learning about responsibilities. I think you are so creative in the way that you teach them and then how you share it. You're so open with sharing all of these ideas as well, and so I love that.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, I appreciate that feedback. Thank you, yes, yes, and so tell me your opinion on the title of default parent. Yeah, you know, I didn't even know what that was until I was reading something on, maybe social media and it was like, oh, I'm the default parent.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, what exactly is that Right?

Speaker 2:

And I feel like it has such a negative connotation in society because default just feels like, you know, like the last choice, like kind of leftover. And here you are. But I do feel like, as someone married to a surgeon, that I have to be the default parent. His job is very demanding and I want him to be the best surgeon he can be. And I think when people hear default parent they think of like, oh, like the one stuck with all the the mental load and all the work to do for the family, and it's not that at all.

Speaker 2:

Now, my family thrives when we each have like roles. We do not thrive when we're not sure who's juggling what ball. And so I have become the default parent, if that makes sense. I'm available more and I have better flexibility and he doesn't, and that's just the way that it is. And it's not even just with medicine.

Speaker 2:

You know, I have a friend whose husband is a pilot and it's very similar. I have friends whose partners are in the military, and it's another, you know, kind of similar dynamic, but I hate the word default parent because it just sounds so negative. Kind of similar dynamic, but I hate the word default parent because it just sounds so negative and I don't want parents who are in this role to feel like they just you know, they just got this handed to them and they have to deal with it. So other other kind of phrases or names that I use would be like the go-to parent, the primary parent, the lead parent, and again, this works for our family. It doesn't work for every family, but it really helps create peace in our home because when I know what I need to do, I'm confident. My husband knows what he needs to do, he's confident.

Speaker 2:

And when the kids know that we know what we're doing, they're comfortable and confident, and that makes the whole dynamic of the family work really well.

Speaker 1:

Yep, I agree. And speaking to that with older kids since mine are older we kind of fell into that same plan. I guess, or how our family worked was having roles. We knew what was going to happen. But I have said this in multiple previous episodes as far as seasons of life, I feel like that plan changes. I feel like our roles change and I feel like, with different seasons of life, what my kids need, what I need, what my husband need, changes as well, and so what we have found and let me know how you feel on that is kind of adapting to what those roles look like. Sometimes it's more demanding for my husband and sometimes it's more demanding for me, with seasons of work and so forth Not to say that they're the exact same, but we each have kind of busier times over others, and so I do feel like having that flexibility and adaptability not only helps with us but helps the flow, helps our kids kind of flow when sometimes they have to change too.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely.

Speaker 2:

You know, and I think something especially unique to medicine is our partners finish training and they're kind of thrown into this attending lifestyle Right and they don't know what the options are, because everything has been so rigid during residency and fellowship and I know for us his job has changed so much in the 10 years that he's been working since training that those seasons have been a little more frequently changing because we are trying to find the right like work-life balance for our family.

Speaker 2:

And as we try to figure out the work-life balance for our family, like the needs of each person in our family has changed and we've all kind of taken roles differently. There've been times when when I've needed to lean more on my husband and had to have him help out a lot more than I typically would. Or there's times when, like, I just feel really good and confident and I'm running with it, yeah. And there's times when, like our kids just need different things and we need to prioritize that. And so being adaptable with that season of change and how frequently it may happen is, I think, really important. And knowing that like nothing lasts forever the good and the bad, the good things, the bad things, they're all temporary and knowing that it's eventually going to change.

Speaker 1:

Yep, no, I 100% agree. Now, going back to, instead of default parent, but primary parent, what are some mistakes that you feel like maybe you have made as a primary parent, and I don't even know if I like the word mistakes, but I do feel like it is comforting for all of us to know we make them and I tell my kids. Quite often I was like, listen, I've never done this before. You know, this is my first time as a parent. You got to give me grace, just like I give you grace. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And so it's okay to make the mistakes and own it, and so. So, what are some of those that maybe you might've made?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think one of the biggest mistakes I've made was saying like well, I'm just a stay at home mom or I'm just a physical therapist.

Speaker 2:

Like I had put in my my brain that like I was just whatever. And as soon as I was like what the heck am I thinking Like I am a stay at home mom, like I am doing something so meaningful and powerful for my family that I need to like own that and be confident in it, and I for a very long time felt less than I remember. Last year I went to my 20th high school reunion and someone had asked me, like what are you doing these days? And I was like, oh, I'm a stay-at-home mom. And she was like that's amazing, lace, that's fantastic. And I was like, oh, I've never had like that sort of response before. And I was like dang Lace, like quit suggesting and like just be confident in like, whatever you're doing, whatever it is whether it's like doing the pelvic floor therapy or orthopedic therapy, or staying home full time or on maternity leave.

Speaker 2:

It doesn't have to be like just this or just that, but being more confident.

Speaker 1:

Right, nope, a hundred percent. And I had read somewhere a while back I don't remember where it was but it was like if you took each salary of all the hats you wear as a stay-at-home mom whether you are the house cleaner, you run the errands, you know, you are the event planner for everything, you are just all of the things the cook and if you took each of those actual salaries and put them all together, you would be probably making more than your spouse at my kids for 10 years and I fell into that very often of I just stay home or, and so I think that's definitely something that a lot of us are guilty of and we need to totally rephrase.

Speaker 1:

I mean, we are the dang CEO of our house and we need to have a mind shift on that and rephrase that, because it's a pretty dang important job.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, absolutely.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, okay. So with that, as far as, how can a med spouse thrive as a primary parent if that's their role? And a lot of times I remember saying, oh my gosh, I'm just surviving, I'm just surviving. And so what would be those tips on? You don't want to just to survive, you want to thrive.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, absolutely. I think that one of the most important things is finding out what works for your personality. I'm an introvert, like I love being around people, but my energy is zapped when I do that and if I do a lot of social events, then I have a really hard time showing up for my family. Realizing that, like as an introvert, scheduling social event for my kids over and over and over again is not doesn't work for me, and so I've had to kind of peel that back and be like okay, like I love being home and it's okay if I enjoy being home with my kids and we don't go to like every social event that's available or every you know festival or activity or play date or whatever. And that took me a little while to figure out was that, as an introvert, I need to create a lifestyle that fits my energy needs.

Speaker 2:

Now I have friends, family, that are extroverts and they love being outside and out and about and socializing and that feeds their energy. That's great for them and I want them to be able to like live a life that that works for them. So I think figuring out what your personality type is like and what feeds your soul and kind of leaning into that a little bit and making it work for you. And it doesn't have to be this like one size fits all for what you think your, your family, needs, but it's like really what, what works for you. And like once I realized like I don't have to do it all my energy was so much better and I realized, you know, for me like one outing a day or one outing every two days is more than enough and that still gets my kids out of the house and socializing and there's still a lot that can be done when we're home together.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think that's great advice, and to piggyback off of that, a mistake that I personally made was not only feeling like I had to say yes to all these things, but I was overextending my kids as well. They wanted to be part of all of these different activities and go to all these different birthday parties, and at the end of the day, we were all tired, we were all stressed out. Could we really be present in the moment when we were with these friends, when we were already running late to get to the next thing that we had already booked? And so that was something I would say as far as I learned, that we limited the things we said yes to so that we could fully enjoy the things we were saying yes to, and didn't feel like we had to dive deep into all the things, and not only did it wear myself out, but it definitely wore them out as well.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, absolutely, and I think that kind of goes in line with another recommendation I always have is to outsource.

Speaker 2:

And a lot of times people think, well, outsourcing is so expensive. My favorite way to outsource is to online grocery shop. I love going to the grocery store, Like I love walking through the aisles and like looking at all the food and going by the butcher and looking at the meat and the produce and I love that and it always was very relaxing for me. But I've realized now with three kids that's just not feasible. Groceries trips ends up being like three hours long by the time.

Speaker 2:

I like get everyone in the car and get to the grocery store, get what I need. And, of course, I want to go to like two different grocery stores or three different grocery stores, and so I've been like online grocery shopping since our third was born a couple months ago. It's like life changing.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, and probably cheaper. If it's anything like my kids, I would throw all kinds of stuff in the den and cart.

Speaker 2:

And then I order like the same things every week. So then I can just be like click, click, click, click, click, click and then I'm done. And so now grocery shopping is 30 minutes a week, once, or twice a week if we need a refill, like that's an example of outsourcing that doesn't have to be expensive, or even like childcare a sitter come to our house. So I've been a little bit more creative where, like a friend and I will trade Like I'll watch her kids, she'll watch mine. And then I've hired, like a high schooler, to come and take the boys to the park and, you know, for 15 bucks an hour rather than $35 an hour, they're at the park burning energy, having fun, and I stay home with the baby, and it makes things simple. I've hired a mother's helper and she's in fourth grade. I don't leave her with the kids, but she comes and unloads the dishwasher and it's $5 an hour Amazing. So there's ways to outsource help without making it seem like it's super expensive or extravagant.

Speaker 1:

And not only those things being a time saver, but a sanity saver as well, yeah, yeah. So I always end with the exact same two questions for all my guests. So the first one is what advice would you give to your younger self?

Speaker 2:

That's a great question. I give the younger self a lot of advice, I think. Trust my gut. I second-guessed myself so much when I was younger, and I mean even five years ago, not just when I was a kid or young adult. Trust my gut. I have a really good intuition and that feeling means something. So trust the gut and be confident in what your gut is saying.

Speaker 1:

Yep, Yep. I think that's great advice. And then the second one is if your life was a reality TV show, what would the title be?

Speaker 2:

It probably would be called Chaos Just because there's so many moving wheels. Now that we have three kids going from two to three has been a little bit of uh, eye-opening experience where it's just chaos, but I embrace it and I'm learning how to roll with it and, like I said, kind of pulling in help when I need it. As you can see, I have like no screaming children around me right now huge perk, but it's finding a way to calm the chaos.

Speaker 2:

So, yeah, I would call it chaos, because it's always there whether I'm relaxed or not.

Speaker 1:

Yep, yep, I completely understand. So if any listeners wanted to reach out to you and maybe have questions, have advice, what's the best way for them to get in touch with you?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so any listeners can follow me at move underscore mama underscore. Move on Instagram. That's usually the easiest way to get ahold of me and it's the platform that I've kind of been leaning into a little bit more recently and, like I said, I'm coming up, we're updating the website and kind of revamping a little bit of Mama Moves structure on the website and offerings. So I would say Instagram's the easiest way to get right now. Yeah, and anyone's welcome. Like if you have questions about being the default parent or thinking about being a stay-at-home parent or not wanting to be a stay-at-home parent and wanting to find a balance, I am happy to kind of walk through some ideas and thoughts because I feel like there's not a ton of support out there and I'd love to be listening to your guidance if you need it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, no, and I feel like we didn't even get a chance to touch on all the things I want to ask because I feel like we all could use some advice from you whether it's the pelvic floor therapy, moving being the primary parent education side of things for parenting. But if they specifically had physical therapy type questions for you, even if they aren't local, is that something they can still do, reach out to you or you could potentially connect them to somebody locally for them?

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, yeah, absolutely, and I believe that pelvic floor therapy is such an underserved niche for moms especially. I want women to feel like they have the access and the ability to get the help they need. Or if they have just a basic question, I'm happy to help them out or kind of guide them into the right direction. Right now I'm on maternity leave from my clinic work, but I'm happy to kind of guide people in the right direction and and get them the help they need because it's, like I said, definitely an undersupported niche of health. The work done on pelvic floor therapy is typically pretty quick, or like the results are pretty quick If you do it right.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, no, that's great. I will put all of your information and links in the show notes so for any of you listeners that want to look further into Move, mama Move or connect with Lisa, that will all be in there. Lisa, thank you for your time today. I know you are super busy, especially with your kiddos. Congrats on the new baby so excited for you and I would love to have you back on the show sometime to dive a little bit deeper into these other things. But I so appreciate you and your time, my friend.

Speaker 2:

Well, thank you. I'd always love to come back and chat. It's been a pleasure.

Speaker 1:

Yes, Thanks so much and until next time, guys. Bye. That's a wrap on this episode of Behind the White Coat. I hope today's conversation left you feeling more understood and supported, and if you enjoyed this episode, I would love for you to subscribe and supported. And if you enjoyed this episode, I would love for you to subscribe, leave a review or share it with another physician spouse. Your support helps more of us to connect. Keep in mind, this podcast is for you, so let's keep this conversation going. Dm me on Instagram at Amanda Barron Realtor with your thoughts, topic ideas, questions or even guest suggestions. I would really love to hear from you. Thanks for spending part of your day with me and remember you are never in this alone. See you next time.