Behind The White Coat - Real Talk For Physician Spouses
Being married to medicine comes with challenges—long hours, relocations, and feeling like you’re navigating it all alone. That’s where this podcast comes in.
I’m sharing the things I wish someone had told me—how to survive medical training, juggle parenting, manage finances, and actually build a life you love. We’ll cover everything from making friends in a new city to understanding insurance, finding childcare, and staying connected as a couple.
Some episodes will be just me, sharing real stories and lessons learned. Other times, I’ll bring on expert guests—financial advisors, physician spouses, and those who’ve been through it all—to offer practical advice.
Most of all, this is a place for community. A space where you can feel understood, supported, and even laugh along the way. Because being married to medicine doesn’t mean doing it alone.
So grab a coffee (or wine!), and let’s talk about the real side of life Behind The White Coat.
Behind The White Coat - Real Talk For Physician Spouses
#15| The Journey Together: Supporting a Spouse in Medical Training
Supporting your physician partner during medical training and long hours requires tangible strategies that balance their needs with your own wellbeing. We explore practical ways to maintain connection despite exhaustion and limited time together.
• Small acts of kindness like packed lunches with notes, sharing funny memes, or keeping a connection journal can maintain intimacy
• Creating a calm landing zone at home allows them space to decompress before engagement
• Normalizing emotional rollercoasters and protecting their sleep schedule demonstrates understanding of their challenges
• Choosing empathy over resentment requires perspective-taking during lonely moments
• Supporting your spouse doesn't mean abandoning yourself - build in recharge time
• Finding community with other physician spouses provides crucial emotional support
• Creative connection strategies like "shower talks" help carve out uninterrupted time together
• Action steps include choosing one support gesture, checking in with yourself, and connecting with the physician spouse community
If this episode helped you, please share it with another physician spouse or subscribe. DM me on Instagram or email at amanda@abtnhomes.com with your own stories and tips for supporting partners during medical training.
Hello everyone and welcome back to today's episode. I am Amanda, proud physician partner, nashville realtor and your host. Today we are going to get into a topic that hits close to home, and it is how to support our spouses during their medical training, long hours and exhaustion, even when we feel completely depleted ourselves. So this season of life is not easy, especially those of you who just recently started your residency. Happy medical new year. In fact, there were times that I felt like I was a single parent or that we were like two ships passing in the night where we would go days without seeing each other. And if you've ever wondered, like, when they are coming home, will they be home for dinner, I get it. I feel that way many times, but today we are flipping that script a little. And yes, as a partner or spouse for physicians, we do need support, and we'll talk about that in other future episodes. But this one is about them and how we can love them during these trenches and through these trenches. The reality is we often forget many times. We need to remember that they'd rather be home, that they aren't choosing their 28-hour shift over bedtime stories, they aren't excited to miss another family gathering or holiday or don't take it personally if they forget to call you back. They are exhausted, they are overwhelmed and often emotionally drained in ways that we never fully see. But here's what I do know Behind every physician in training or physician out of training, depending on their schedule, is a support system that holds so much power, and that includes us. So how can we show up for them when we feel like we are running on empty ourselves? So that is what this episode is going to be about and let's take a deep dive into it. What are some tangible ways to support them? So here are a few ideas that have helped me and, I know, has helped others within our community. So the first one would be just small acts of kindness, small gestures that could go a long way. Maybe packing their favorite snack, maybe packing their lunch for them, leaving a note in their lunch bag, sometimes sending a little video of you and the kids and the dog, of just saying hi, we miss you, we are proud of you, you are doing a great job.
Speaker 1:Today, my husband and I love to send like funny videos and funny memes to each other, so sometimes we don't talk all day, but we have sent five memes. And then he comes home and we giggle and we talk about it, one thing that we did when we were younger. We have kind of gotten out of the practice and I think would be something really good for us to get back into. But especially when he was in the trenches of training, I didn't see him very often. We had a journal that we shared between the two of us, and sometimes it would just be a photo with a little memory, sometimes it would be thoughts that we wanted to let them know, sometimes it would be a letter to each other. But whatever was on our mind, we would journal some longer, some shorter. But to add a little bit of fun to the situation is we would write in the journal and then we would hide it, and then they would have to find it, be surprised that they found it, read the journal, and then it was up to them then to write back, hide it and then I would find it. So again, it's not about grand gestures, it's just about consistency and caring for them during this time.
Speaker 1:The second thing would be to create a calm landing zone at home so that they feel safe, they feel like they can just decompress, they feel like they can rest. So when they walk in the door, the last thing they need is like an interrogation. I am definitely guilty of this when I'm frustrated I had a hard day, the dog is sick, something's going on with the kids, and I kind of just unleash some of that as soon as my husband will walk in the door and he very gently will remind me hi, how are you, how was your day today? And it's like, oh, okay, and not that he doesn't want to support me in hearing all of that, it's just sometimes just having a little bit more of a calm. Let them get situated. Before we throw everything at them or we interrogate them or we give them a honey-do list, that let's create just a little bit more of a calm landing zone for them. We also want to give them space right when they come in. I know my husband likes to change clothes or shower right away, do a little reset, a little quiet time, and then we can potentially have dinner together and in that calm landing zone or in that space, consider asking questions what do you need right now? Do you feel like venting, do you feel like you want to talk, or maybe just time to yourself in some quiet space and then I know and I can respect that and I think it's nice sometimes just they know that you're not expecting them to just be on right when they walk in the door, and I think that that is one of the best gifts that you can give them.
Speaker 1:Number three that I wanted to talk about was to normalize this roller coaster and when I'm talking about roller coaster, it's really more about a roller coaster of emotions that it's okay for how you are both feeling. You are tired, they are tired and exhausted. It's okay to cry A lot of times. It's hard conversations that they have to have at work, whether it's a really sick patient, you're dealing with parents, something doesn't go right. It's a really difficult case if they're in the OR, and so I think it's okay to feel these feelings and whether you sit with them your spouse or partner sits with them or you express them, just to normalize this rollercoaster of emotions on top of that exhaustion and be what they need in that moment not just a spouse, but an ear to listen and to just be a friend.
Speaker 1:Number four would be protect their rest, guard their sleep schedule when you can and I know it's really difficult, we had dogs that would bark when people would come by. The kids wouldn't be super quiet, and so sometimes, when he would come home after a really, really long shift, the kids and I would go to the park for a few hours. I'd try to take the dogs outside. So just keep that in mind. Try to be respectful of their sleep, protect it. When you can, maybe shift some duties around, gently remind the kids. Just don't underestimate how sacred sleep can be during training and just for that reset moment.
Speaker 1:Okay, number five choose empathy over resentment, and this is a tough one. You're not alone in this. I have to quite often remind myself that when you're lonely, it's easy to resent their absence. I have, like I said, been there before, but sometimes it helps to just ask if the roles were reversed, how would I want to be supported? What would this actually look like? So what kind words would you hope your partner would say, what kind gestures, what would you need? And so sometimes I try to remind myself of that, and it does help me kind of push. Pause for a minute, regroup, have a different mindset and potentially different discussions then.
Speaker 1:So a little bit about yourself. Supporting your spouse doesn't mean abandoning yourself. There's a difference between being a support system and becoming invisible. So while we show up for them, we also need to build in time to recharge ourselves, and that can look different for everyone, especially if you don't have kids, especially if you don't have other family close by. So that could potentially be therapy. It could be a counseling session, a community of other physician partners, physician spouses which I cannot stress enough how important that is especially local. We have a great community nationally and I have met some amazing friends that I do talk to on a regular basis, but it's still very different when you have people local that you can meet face to face. It could maybe be a walk by yourself, a walk with friends, journaling. Like I said before in another episode, it was a luxury to go to the grocery store by myself. So again, whatever it is, just take a break. Like I mentioned, being strong for someone else starts by taking care of yourself.
Speaker 1:I did have some listeners share some of their tips and stories, so I wanted to share within the community some of these that may help inspire you. So someone wrote in. We have a shared calendar and I drop in little notes or memes for him to find when he checks it. Another said I send him a quick text before his shift starts something funny or encouraging, no pressure to reply. We keep a connection jar where we write things we want to talk about when we do finally have time together. I have a funny story of us kind of connecting, supporting each other, whatever you'd like to call it, potentially maybe a little TMI, but I feel like this is a safe space so I'm going to share.
Speaker 1:When he was working really long, crazy hours about Our kids were definitely much younger than now and I would say our oldest was probably I don't know seven and our younger one was four or five, and I found the best place for his undivided attention was in the shower and it was a good 15 minutes where I knew we could sit and talk without him falling asleep and get caught up on things. So all the things he needed to tell me, all the questions he had for me, and then vice versa, where I could have his undivided attention and just say, hey, I wanted to tell you about these things that happened today, catch you up to speed with the kids. Whatever that looked like and so that's what most of our showers were is connection time to truly, truly have undivided attention. And I remember our oldest coming home from school one day and was like you know. I was talking to my friends at school today and none of their parents shower together like you and dad, and it cracked both of us up because, one, the fact that our son actually was at school talking about this, and then, two, our son actually was at school talking about this, and then, two, that he ended up coming back to us and talking to us about it. So we laughed for a long time, but I'll tell you it worked. It worked because I knew he couldn't fall asleep and I had that 15 minutes, so I had to make it quick and get out all the things I wanted to discuss with him, and he did the same. So let's close with this to discuss with him, and he did the same. So let's close with this. They're working long hours, but you are holding down the fort, the feelings, the family.
Speaker 1:So here are some action steps that I would encourage you to do this week. Number one pick one small way to show support this week A note, a meal, a moment of calm. Number two check in with yourself. What do you need right now to feel seen and express that Say I'm feeling tired, I need an hour to myself, hey, I haven't seen my girlfriends in a really long time. I'm going to go take a walk with so-and-so. So just check in with yourself and figure out what it is that you need.
Speaker 1:Third, connect with someone in this community. Find your people. Find your support. We were never meant to do this alone and it is really, really hard. So if you don't have that physician spout support that you need, please reach out to me. I will help you find somebody. So please remember to share your story. Connect with someone. There are so many of us there that just need to hear what you are going through and know that what you're feeling is the exact same and that someone just needs to hear that.
Speaker 1:So thank you for spending this time with me today, and if this episode helped you, please make sure that you share it with another physician spouse or subscribe. And if you have stories or tips that have helped you support your partner during training, I would love to hear about them. Feel free to DM me on Instagram or email anytime. Until next time, keep showing up with love and grace for them and for yourself. That's a wrap on this episode of Behind the White Coat. I hope today's conversation left you feeling more understood and supported, and if you enjoyed this episode, I would love for you to subscribe, leave a review or share it with another physician spouse. Your support helps more of us to connect. Keep in mind this podcast is for you, so let's keep this conversation going. Dm me on Instagram at Amanda Barron Realtor, with your thoughts, topic ideas, questions or even guest suggestions. I would really love to hear from you. Thanks for spending part of your day with me and remember you are never in this alone. See you next time.