Behind The White Coat - Real Talk For Physician Spouses
Being married to medicine comes with challenges—long hours, relocations, and feeling like you’re navigating it all alone. That’s where this podcast comes in.
I’m sharing the things I wish someone had told me—how to survive medical training, juggle parenting, manage finances, and actually build a life you love. We’ll cover everything from making friends in a new city to understanding insurance, finding childcare, and staying connected as a couple.
Some episodes will be just me, sharing real stories and lessons learned. Other times, I’ll bring on expert guests—financial advisors, physician spouses, and those who’ve been through it all—to offer practical advice.
Most of all, this is a place for community. A space where you can feel understood, supported, and even laugh along the way. Because being married to medicine doesn’t mean doing it alone.
So grab a coffee (or wine!), and let’s talk about the real side of life Behind The White Coat.
Behind The White Coat - Real Talk For Physician Spouses
#23| Are You Choosing Productivity Over Pleasure?
Relationship coach Courtney Boyer shares insights on reigniting intimacy in long-term relationships and breaks down why women actually turn down sex.
• Courtney's background as a mental health counselor, relationship coach, and military physician spouse of 20+ years
• Why sex remains a taboo topic in modern society and how pleasure connects to personal power
• The importance of cultivating your own joy and independence within relationships
• How busyness and to-do lists drain energy and create resentment between partners
• The value of changing "have to" language to "get to" language when discussing responsibilities
• Simple questions that open doors to meaningful connection between partners
• The power of asking "How are you taking care of yourself this week?"
• Finding ways to outsource tasks and share responsibilities with your partner
To learn more about Courtney’s expertise and the range of services she offers, visit her website for in-depth information and resources. You can also connect with her on Instagram, where she shares valuable insights and updates.
Hello everyone and welcome back to Behind the White Coat Real Talk for Physician Spouses. I am really excited for all of you to be here today and for my special guest. We are tackling a topic that is equal parts very personal, eye-opening and, honestly, sometimes a little awkward to talk about out loud. So my guest today is Courtney Boyer, a relationship coach, mental health counselor and author of the book Not Tonight Honey. She's been featured live on BBC Radio and in publications including the New York Post, parents, cnbc, the Huffington Post and Cosmopolitan. Courtney, thank you so much for being here today. Thank you so much for having me, amanda. Yes, yes, I was really excited for you to come. I know I've got a lot of questions, which I'm sure in turn will lead to additional questions and just listen to your wealth of knowledge. So, again, thank you for being here and I wanted to just give the podium to you where you could just give us a little bit of background about you and your family and then also how you got into this profession.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I met my husband in undergrad and we have been married for all the medical journey. So we've been married for over 20 years. Undergrad, med school, thanks, thanks. We have three kiddos 12, 14, 16. My husband's in the military, so he is a physician in the in the army, and we are stationed in Germany and have been for six years and we love it. So he has also seen me evolve in my career.
Speaker 2:So I started out as a pre-law major. I wanted to be a lawyer and I had grown up in the evangelical Christian church, was a product of K through college Christian education, and realized we are not talking about sex, we are not getting the information that we need and for some reason, instead of going to study law, I decided, oh, I'm going to go and study sex and bring it back to the church and empower people and educate them, and so that's essentially what led me to pursue my degrees and work and through the years had to pivot a lot. We talked about that before we went on air, about having to pivot as a position spouse, and so I left the traditional licensed counseling realm and moved to the coaching realm and find a lot more freedom there and love it and have been working gosh there for probably seven years now. I've written two books, one is about to come out, and I do retreats and love talking about taboo topics, specifically around pleasure and sexuality. Yeah, that's the very, very short version.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, and I would love to at some point have you back on to talk about being a physician spouse in the military, because you know, speaking of pivoting, I'm sure you guys not only had to pivot with just life changes and then obviously being a physician spouse, but then let's add in being a physician in the military to the mix and, yeah, I'm sure that you guys had to pivot a lot. So we will save that conversation for another day, but again, I just feel like you have so much knowledge to share with us. Back to taboo topics. And why do you think it's still, in this day and age, taboo to talk about sex and ways that we can change that about?
Speaker 2:sex and ways that we can change that. I think there is taboo in pleasure, and sexuality is one of the most overt forms of pleasure, and so if you can create a population that is so disconnected from things that bring them pleasure, they're so much easier to control and they're so much more easy to influence and consume and produce.
Speaker 1:When you encourage a population to tune into who they are and their desires, that is scary, because those desires, those pleasures are powerful and that can not be as controlled, sure, sure, and I also think you had said in your intro, giving us a little background to your story, being married for over 20 years. So my husband and I have been married 21 years and I'm sure you see so many things of not only people, just exhaustion of life and being a parent but I think we're all kind of guilty of just kind of going through the minutiae of life and not to say people don't have sparks in their marriage after 21 years. But I do think you have to start having specific conversations in your marriage. I think that you have to discuss some of these taboo topics and I also think marriage is work to begin with, but let alone when you've been married for so many years.
Speaker 1:I think sometimes you get into just a normal routine and so sometimes, like I said, you're just kind of going through the motions and so can you give us a little bit of ways that maybe people can get out of that minutia? I know that you could probably sit here and talk about this for days, but just some ways that people can talk about their spouse, about again some of these taboo things and then making sure you keep that spark alive, no matter if it's one year and you've got all the new marriage stuff. Three years you've been married and now you've got babies, so you're really tired. Or 21 years where you're maybe an empty nester, and just the different stages of life and marriage.
Speaker 2:So it sounds really simple, but it is far from easy. So my advice would be cultivate your own joy, cultivate your own joy, cultivate your own independence, cultivate your own pleasure. And I say that for two reasons. One is because nothing is hotter, in my opinion, than somebody who is confident and living and doing things that like bring them joy and like light them up. I mean, that is one of the reasons why I fell in love with my husband, because he was so passionate about becoming a doctor and like that's not even like he's not throwing footballs, you know, he's not scoring goals Like he was so committed to his dream and I was like, oh my gosh, that is such a turn on. So people will find your your thing Right and so whatever your thing is that brings you joy. And again, it's not even overtly sexual, it's just gosh, I love, I love coaching, like I love showing up for people or some, you know some, I love baking, I it brings me so much joy to, to nourish people. You know those kinds of things. So that twofold one it makes you more confident, that makes you more attractive, that is an energy that people want to be around, including your spouse or including your partner. Second of all, it also doesn't. It creates this gap, this space in your relationship that can is engage.
Speaker 2:Curiosity and that's one of the things that tends to lead to boredom is when we lack curiosity. I already know my husband's routine. I know my wife how she brushes her hair or she takes her pills, or she takes her contact. You know, like I know this and that, and then when they start to deviate from that, or when they start to do things on their own, or we're like oh, I never noticed, like my husband and I I didn't know that he could juggle until like 10 years into our marriage, which is so you know, like who cares, but I kind of was like, well, what else do I not know about him? You know what I mean? Like that was kind of like oh, I want to like spend time with him, I want to get to know him more, and so that's why I say it is simple.
Speaker 1:But that doesn't mean that putting it into practice is easy, because it requires effort, yep, yep, and I want to kind of piggyback off of that, something that my husband and I started doing, so we each have our things as far as that bring us joy, like what you were talking about. I love to run, he loves to garden and so forth. But what we also have tried to do this last year, which has been amazing, is finding something that brings both of us joy that we can do together. And again, like you said, as simple as it sounds, we have started doing hot yoga together and it's been amazing, like we love it. We have it tonight. I'm looking forward to it. And so I think maybe you know, sprinkling that in amongst your joy, your partner's joy, and then finding something that maybe is new for you guys to bring in that joy together. Yes, excellent advice. I love that, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So I love the title of your book Not Tonight, honey. First of all, I think probably everyone could say that or has said that a time or two. So tell me a little bit about your book. What made you decide to actually write this book? Were you just talking to client after client and their experiences, or the things that you were sharing with them? You're like I really need to share this with everyone else as well. So tell us a little bit about the book first of all, and then how it came about.
Speaker 2:Sure. So the title of it is Not Tonight Honey, and then the subtitle is why Women Actually Don't Want Sex and what we Can Do About it. And I, you know in the cover. I always keep it near me here. The cover is, you know, two, two people in bed, one person looks like they're ready and another person's turned away from them and it's very symbolic.
Speaker 2:This, this cover, which is agonized over for weeks, and I mean this is you get appreciation for authors when you become an author yourself, when you're like, oh, anyways, I'm sure all the things yeah, two of the things that I would get asked the most and I used to do a lot of speaking at, like mom's groups, mops, uh, throughout the my kids- when they were little and I would get up and talk about intimacy and marriage not just sex, but usually that's what draws people in and I could guarantee that there was at least one woman who would ask me what is wrong with me and am I broken?
Speaker 2:And it was year after year after year and clients coming and people messaging me on Instagram and I was like, oh my gosh, like we. This has to change, like we have to have a conversation about this belief that we think we are wrong. Not just we did something wrong or we're physically broken, we're mentally broken, and I do like. I know that not everyone in the world gets can have the chance to work with me one-on-one or hear me speak in person, and so if I can provide one, a tool that has actual like things to think about, um, every at the end of every chapter is a toolbox to consider when you buy the book. You can go and download a free workbook that comes along with the book on my website.
Speaker 2:So I wanted it also to be a conversation starter among women. I wanted book clubs to pick up the book and say do you guys feel like this woman does too? And in a lot of the book it's different client vignettes, so women that I've actually had as clients, or an amalgamation of clients and their issues and people seeing themselves in this book is it's just. I've had so many messages. I felt like I was reading my own story and I felt seen. And that's one of my goals in life. Is that anybody in my presence, but that I come into contact with, feel seen by me, not in my presence, but that.
Speaker 1:I come into contact with, feel seen by me. Yeah, yeah. And going back to when you're talking about the toolkit that is in the book, so is that like a list of things at the end of the book or, like you said, at the end of each chapter? Is it like each chapter has one thing from the toolkit and then you are telling them take this from the toolkit and here's how you apply it?
Speaker 2:Depending on the chapter, there are applicable things that you can do or change or tweak, and then at the end of each chapter there's about four or five bullet points and they're questions to consider, so really examining what are some of the lies that I've believed about sex or sexuality that I hadn't really thought of until now, and how is that impacting me. So it's really an opportunity to reflect and then that gives you opportunity to then possibly incorporate some of the advice I either give in the book or to specific clients or topics that I introduce, like certain types of modalities.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay, I'm very interested to see what you have in your toolkit. I don't have the book, but I need to go and get it. It's also on.
Speaker 2:Audible too. I know that was. I had a lot of friends, so it was like two years after it came out I decided to record the audio book for it and people had really appreciated that.
Speaker 1:So Okay, yes, I'm a huge Audible because I'm in the car all the time and so, yeah, I love audiobooks and podcasts. So tell our listeners about your to-do list, this concept, and how these to-do lists are bleeding into our exhaustion, our lives, and then, in turn, how then it is affecting us as couples.
Speaker 2:Sure, yeah. So the thing that pops into my mind is and I talk about this in the book is I ask a client, tell me what you do for fun. And she literally just started laughing and I was like, no, no, I'm serious. And she's like, oh, I don't have fun, like I don't know. And I said, okay, well, tell me how do you spend your time. And man, she could rattle out that to-do list Like it was a Sunday scripture, you know. She was like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And I was like, oh, your worth is tied into your busyness. You are proud to tell me how you carpool and do the Excel spreadsheets and you grocery shop and you cook and you do a lot of things. That's a lot okay, but none of it is bringing you joy. None of it is. I don't see any pleasure-filled activity on there. And she was just.
Speaker 2:It was really profound for her to have to sit and look at that to-do list and say but that's how I've been raised Like, that's how I've been conditioned to be productive and that's where I get my worth, that's where I get. And so what happens is we show up in our relationships and I did this for oh many years in my marriage. That's just how I know, Because even though I worked, I was still like the super mom, stay at home spouse, I will work from home, I will do all the things so my husband can be so successful and be this doctor and all of those whatever. And I had that to-do list like to a T sparkling.
Speaker 2:It was like shiny every day and I couldn't wait to like parade around all of the productivity that I was doing and it was draining me. It was draining me and then I started to get resentful of my husband because he got to do the things. He would go to journal club and go to the gym and I was like, well, must be nice. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm in charge of my life, I get to decide this. But no one had given me permission in a way, and I was holding onto that to-do list with with clutched hands because it was so tied to who I was and the kind of wife and mom. I thought I had to be.
Speaker 1:Well, and unfortunately I think our society has created busyness is a sign of success. Yes, right, you could be busy and not productive, but you're sure marking those things off your list, and so I think it is a misconception of you. Know, I don't have time, I don't have time to do X or Y and those little things, even if they're 10 minutes back to the bringing you joy kind of thing, and I'm guilty of that too. And there was a funny meme that I saw and it was a husband and wife laying in bed and it basically was like what's going through their mind right now? And I mean, the husband was sound asleep and it was just like an empty cloud and the wife is laying there in bed. And it was all the things kid related, all the things house related, all the things house related, all the things bill related, and it was basically like you were talking about this toxic to-do list that we're checking off each day. That was where her brain was in the middle of the night.
Speaker 1:And I also feel that I'm guilty of that when I worry at two in the morning and it keeps me up trying to solve the world's problems along with my to-do list, and so, yeah, I wish that I could kind of remove some of that, and I think part of it is that constant to-do list, and I even feel anxiety and that feeling in my body start to increase when I'm looking at my to-do list for tomorrow, like I can even feel that ahead of time, because it's all the things I've got to get done and if there's something on there that doesn't get done, nothing's going to happen. Oh right, but I feel like I've created this where I have to get all of those things done. Yeah, can I give you a little coaching there, please, please. I know I need some help with that Go for it.
Speaker 2:So when you said these are all the things that I have to get done, that impacts how you view those things on your list when we move into. These are things I get to do and if you're like I freaking want to do them, then why am I doing them? You know what I mean. Like a lot of times, like I used to actually like grocery shopping so, but I have clients who are like I hate grocery shopping. I'm like then why do you do it? And they're like well, because nobody else will. And I said well, you do have a partner or you can get delivery.
Speaker 2:I mean, there are ways that we can outsource these things or just sit down and start to share the load with your partner. One of the things that I've noticed with my husband, as he's out of training and more established in his career, is he is intentional about I need you to tell me how I can help you. I want you to offload things to me and then if I'm overwhelmed and exhausted, that's my fault, because I'm not delegating and I'm not stepping up to say I trust you enough as a physician, as somebody who has people's lives in their hands every day, and also as my partner right. Also, as somebody who's loved me for over 20 years, I trust you enough to share these tasks with you, and if you can't do that, then that's a larger conversation that needs to be had.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, that's all. No, I love that and I feel like I could be in quite a few coaching sessions and learn from you on multiple levels. But I also am that stubborn person where it's like I shouldn't have to tell him he should see that, and then it just like dominoes from there, and so then my frustration and resentment builds more, because I feel like it's so obvious, like how does he not see this? Absolutely.
Speaker 2:I totally understand that that comes down to a value difference. We value different things. So I value a clean kitchen sink, like I've had clients where I've worked with a couple and he'll say I don't need a clean kitchen sink, I don't care if the bed is made Like, I just want to spend time with my wife and she's like I can't. Who's going to do this, who's going to do whatever? And it makes him feel rejected because he feels like the dishes are more important than he is and she is trying to again show that I'm productive and I do these things and it's a control. A lot of it comes down to control. What are the elements of my life that I can control? I don't want to give this part, my time, my body, my whatever to him, because there are usually other issues that are in the in-between. But I can control if the dishes are done and if I give myself up time, body, whatever. So I'm going to kind of use this as a proxy. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yep, yep, it makes total sense, so interesting. So what would be one question that partners could ask each other during the week to open the door to more connection? So obviously, like you were saying, what brings you value, or those kinds of things bringing joy into your life, but what would be like something that would open communication more or let each other know what's bothering them or how they feel about things? Sometimes I feel like my questions are a little bit loaded for my husband, and so do you have any advice on just. I mean, is it as simple as how are you feeling right now, or what do you need right now, or what would that look like?
Speaker 2:One of the questions that my husband he doesn't ask it exactly like this, but it's really close and it just popped into my head now is how are you taking care of yourself this week?
Speaker 2:Oh, I love that and that makes me so for me.
Speaker 2:I'm a Sagittarius son, so I love to travel, I love freedom, I love to be away, and that is really hard to do when you have three kids and a business and a home. But he has, over the last few years, knows like, hey, why don't you go to a hotel for the weekend and just like go and read or go and write or find a sauna and go hang out there? Right, bringing that story because all back, yes, michael, yes, yes. And that to know that he sees my, my battery is running low, that my joy, like I'm starting to snap, I'm starting to be depleted, that he is not telling me what I have to do, but he is saying I see that I care about you and I know that this is something that is a way that you do care for yourself. So why don't you? Why don't you take this weekend off? Why don't you get away this weekend? Why don't you go this? You know, whatever, there's lots of different variations that you can do, but that is something that so important.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's such a beautiful question because you're not. A lot of times, you know, spouses get frustrated that you're trying to solve my problem. You're not just, you know, taking and sitting and listening to me and he's not. When your partner asks you this, it doesn't. They're not trying to solve it, they're just helping you, to empower you, to say I care about you. You need to care about you too. How can you make that happen?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's really really good. And back to your Sagittarius when's your birthday?
Speaker 2:December 17th.
Speaker 1:So is mine. Oh my gosh, no way. Yes, yes, we are birthday sisters, birthday twinsies. Yay, I know, I know that's what I thought you said and it cut out for a minute. So I was like, wait, what? We have the same birthday, that is crazy. Yeah, we are meant to be friends. I love it. Oh my gosh, I'm so excited. I know me too, me too. So if listeners want to connect with you, if they have questions, whether it's about your book, whether it's about coaching, counseling, first, how can they connect with you and then give them a little idea of how you do help people and what this looks like?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm on most of the socials Instagram, facebook, linkedin, at Courtney Boyer Coaching that's with a C and I encourage people to message me there versus emailing me. Unless you don't do social media, then just totally email me. But that way you get a feel like who I am online is exactly who I am in person and that kind of approach is how I work with my clients. So I'm not like super serial, like intense, like we're going to sit here and quiet. That's why I love the variety that is out there. I like to joke, I like to challenge people. I, you know, yeah, like to laugh at myself, whatever. So connect with me there. Let me know that you found me on Amanda's podcast. I would love to connect with you. And then I work with individuals, I work with couples and I also do retreats. So I just finished a women's retreat on pleasure in Paris, which was amazing, and the end of June.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was phenomenal. Oh my gosh, it was like a dream. Moulin Rouge and that picnic at the Eiffel Tower and these women flew in from all. Yeah, it was fun. So I do retreats. I haven't done a couple's retreat yet, but that is in the works. My husband said, okay, fine, I haven't done a couple's retreat yet, but that is in the works.
Speaker 2:My husband said okay, fine, I'll come along and help with that if you really need me to. But yeah, so lots of different ways to work with me. And then, yeah, my book is on Audible and other places online you can find it.
Speaker 1:Great, and so can you help people anywhere. So would it be virtual like this then?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yep, almost all of my clients are virtually, are virtually I. Yeah, as I said, I'm in Germany, but I have clients in every time zone which I'm sure makes a little little tricky, yeah, but you know, it's. That's one of the things I love about you know, being your own boss is I get to make. Like tonight I have a client, a client session, at 9 o'clock because I work with a lot of busy professionals and they're like, yeah, time zone difference. I was like, okay, great, we'll do it at 9 o'clock tonight.
Speaker 1:So Well, I love that flexibility. I'm sure they appreciate that as well. Well, courtney, I really appreciate you being here. I am sure we will need to have you back for multiple reasons. We just tapped the surface of this, but if this episode resonated with you, please share with a friend, leave a review or tag Courtney and I on Instagram so that we can cheer you on. And until next time, keeping joy, keep building connections and keep giving yourself grace, because, as we learned today sometimes not tonight honey is just the beginning of a much bigger conversation. Thanks so much, courtney, thank you.
Speaker 1:That's a wrap on this episode of Behind the White Coat. I hope today's conversation left you feeling more understood and supported, and if you enjoyed this episode, I would love for you to subscribe, leave a review or share it with another physician spouse. Your support helps more of us to connect. Keep in mind, this podcast is for you, so let's keep this conversation going. Dm me on Instagram at Amanda Barron Realtor, with your thoughts, topic ideas, questions or even guest suggestions. I would really love to hear from you. Thanks for spending part of your day with me and remember you are never in this alone. See you next time.