#40| From Burnout To Belonging: Tools For Spouses Of Physicians And Service Members

We talk with relationship and sexuality expert Courtney Boyer about burnout as self-abandonment and how military medical spouses can reclaim voice, connection, and community. Simple tools, honest language, and bite-sized steps help us anchor in constant change and feel less alone.

• slowing down to notice body signals and needs
• redefining burnout as self-abandonment not just fatigue
• speaking one truth to rebuild self-trust
• anchoring in new places and blooming where planted
• low-stakes connections that reduce isolation
• resource gaps for military medical families
• using a relationship audit rooted in curiosity
• how to connect with Courtney for coaching and support

Courtney offers a 10-question Relationship Audit that couples can complete together to reflect, reconnect, and have meaningful conversations across emotional, financial, physical, sexual, and spiritual areas. Please find the link here.

To learn more about Courtney’s expertise and the range of services she offers, visit her website for in-depth information and resources. You can also connect with her on Instagram, where she shares valuable insights and updates. 

Follow the podcast, leave a review, and send this episode to another physician or military spouse who may need it today.

Connect with me on Instagram or email me at amanda@abtnhomes.com with your thoughts, topic ideas, questions, or even guest suggestions.

Transcript

Welcome And Why This Matters

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Hey friends, welcome back to Behind the White Coat, the podcast where we talk honestly about the life behind medicine and the parts no one prepares you for, but every physician's spouse lives in the trenches of. If you've been here a while, you know my heart, and I want you to feel seen, heard, understood, and supported. And I want to give you practical tools that you can use today to make life feel just a little lighter. My guest today is someone you've heard from before, Courtney Boyer. She is a relationship and sexuality expert, a coach, a mom, a physician spouse, and military spouse. She has lived this life on multiple fronts: deployments, moves, solo parenting, the unpredictability, the pressure, and the constant need to rebuild community. Courtney, thank you so much for being here. Thank you, Amanda, for having me. Yes. And it's such a treat. I felt like last time when you were on, I had so many more things to ask, and we were running out of time. And so I'm honored that you agreed to actually come back. So thank you. Yeah, of course. Thank you. Yes. So I thought we would start with something a little bit different. Courtney, you and I have both lived this life where medicine is the priority, schedules are wild, and our emotional bandwidth gets tested daily. So I'm gonna pretend like I am a client. And if I were coming to you as a client saying, I am overwhelmed, I feel like I am carrying the emotional load for the entire family. I'm trying to hold things together. Some days I'm I'm just tired of being the strong one, tired of being the primary parent, tired of doing all of the things. So, how would you start coaching me through that?

SPEAKER_00 1:57

So, first I would thank you for recognizing that you need help. I would do something that most uh military spouses especially don't love to do, which is slow down.

SPEAKER_01 2:09

Yeah.

Coaching Start: Slow Down And Check In

SPEAKER_00 2:10

So that's hard. That's hard for parents, for anybody. It is, it's very true. So, what the first thing I would honestly do is to try something small that felt doable and like an easy win. So I would have them take 60 seconds to just check in with their body. So I'd say, hey, I would like you to place one hand on your chest and one on your belly. And I just want you to ask yourself this question. You don't have to answer it to me, just listen for whatever comes up. What am I feeling right now? And what do I need? And just see what comes up. And a lot of times women will just start to cry because they don't stop to tune in with their body.

SPEAKER_01 2:49

As I'm sitting here for the listeners that can't see me, I am doing what Courtney's telling me. And I think sometimes acknowledging how you feel, like if I actually stop for a second, I feel the tension in my neck, or I feel a headache coming on, or kind of just that ick in in my stomach. And so I love that question. What do I need? And many times talking for myself, I don't always know what I need. Yeah. So is it just acknowledging those feelings if you don't know exactly what you need and then pausing to kind of reflect on that? And then you would help them kind of guide through maybe what it is that they're needing.

SPEAKER_00 3:27

Yeah, it's really just to build awareness and to reconnect with our bodies. So it's really about building this foundation of connection and self-trust and just listening. We're not fixing, we're not performing, we're not judging, we're just tuning in.

SPEAKER_01 3:43

Right. And feeling it. What I have had a lot of questions about lately, a lot of things that I have been reading about, some of my podcast guests talking about burnout. And not even from a medical family, but just in life, right? And so what are signs that someone should be looking for, big or small, when they are nearing burnout, but maybe they're not sure that's exactly what they're feeling.

Naming Feelings And Needs

SPEAKER_00 4:13

The way that I like to see burnout is that it's not just exhaustion, but it's actually self-abandonment. Oh, okay. And so when you start to look at it through the lens of self-abandonment, I'm curious what your thoughts are. So some signs are going through the motions. You're just totally disconnected from your own desires. You feel irritated by things that normally wouldn't bother you. Like, good Lord, can the chewing please like stop? Can you just stop the breathing? Like sleeping on the plate. Right. Yes. Oh my gosh. I can hear you slurping, like just drink normal. Yeah. Right. Right. Rest, it doesn't feel restorative. Like you just constantly are feeling tired. You just feel like you're losing your voice or really like shrinking yourself to meet the expectations of others.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

Yeah. Going back, I love the term self-abandonment. I don't think I have ever heard it, nor have I ever used that term. So is just making time for self-care what will help with that? Or is it a whole lot more than that and and what that would really entail to kind of start working backwards of the self-abandonment? And obviously everybody's level of that I know is different and situations are different.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

One of the things I encourage clients to do is I say start by telling one truth. So whether that's out loud or on paper, but maybe it's just telling somebody, whether you text your best friend or you sit with your spouse and just say, I'm having a harder time than I'm showing. And like just I'm struggling right now. And so just saying, or like, I actually don't want to make Christmas cookies this year. Yeah. You don't have to like troubleshoot it, five-point plan it, but just being honest with yourself. That's a step towards building that self-trust and coming back home to yourself.

Burnout As Self‑Abandonment

SPEAKER_01 6:06

And I really like that advice because as simple as it sounds, that's hard. It is, yeah. I think that is hard to admit some of the things that you're feeling, admit some of the things that you don't want to do. Oh, yeah. I a lot of times commit to something and later on don't want to do it, but I still follow through because I feel bad.

SPEAKER_00 6:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:24

I feel guilty. And I think I would feel instant relief if I just, you know what, I'm not doing this and giving myself grace to be okay with not doing it.

SPEAKER_00 6:33

Yeah. Give yourself permission to change your mind.

SPEAKER_01 6:37

What they could implement something small today would be to, like you said, slow down and have a little bit of body awareness as far as what they're feeling. Maybe trying to figure out uh what you need in that moment.

SPEAKER_03 6:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

And then to tell yourself or tell somebody one truth. Yes. To admit one truth. Yeah. Admit one truth. Okay. I definitely need to implement that. Thank you for those tips. I think they are great because they can easily be implemented now and they don't take a lot of time or effort. So a lot of what you said, I think hits even deeper for military families where the load might even be heavier and the support thinner, especially if they are married to medicine. And so you lived this crossover life and military and medicine. So for anyone that has no idea what that feels like, I would love for you to paint the picture. What were some of the realities that shaped you?

One Truth And Rebuilding Self‑Trust

SPEAKER_00 7:47

Okay. So I would say it really depends on the branch you're in. So my husband's army, he did a civilian medical school. So he went to Indiana University. You there's a military medical school in um USIS is what it stands for, United States Uniform Service, something like it's an acronym. And so you can go to medical school there. So he did medical school a civilian and then did an army residency. And so you can some specialties will allow a civilian residency. And so then you don't like you never go to a military training facility. You pretty much are like kind of a quote normal doctor. It's just that the army's paying or the military is paying your salary. So for us, it was a residency in Washington State at Joint Base Lewis McCord at Madigan. And so he was, you know, you had to get your ID to go on base. And that was like a really big entrance into the military life. But he pretty much stayed at the hospital the whole time. They're on a like a special non-deployable status while they're in residency and fellowship. So their focus is really medicine during that time, but they do wear their ACUs, their military uniforms when they're not wearing scrubs.

SPEAKER_01 9:03

Okay. Interesting. And so how did you handle the constant transitions? Did you have multiple moves, deployments, new communities? Like, how did you handle that? Because I feel like it's hard. And then when you put all this additional stuff on it as well.

SPEAKER_00 9:20

Yeah, especially it's hard when you're having babies and you know, raising a family and my own career.

SPEAKER_01 9:26

And then their hours. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:28

In your career, exactly. It is lots of pivoting. And so I really had to let go of this illusion of what normal looked like. I didn't grow up with anybody in the military. Most people that I grew up around, their parents were from the area. It wasn't like small town, but it was like, oh, you live 20 minutes away or 30 minutes away. Nobody ever like moved away for the most part. And so this was such a big change. And I had to like grieve that in a way because when we got married, he didn't have any interest in joining the military. It was like a couple of years into our marriage that he was like, hey, what if I did this program? And I'm like, what?

unknown 10:07

What?

SPEAKER_00 10:07

You're like, wait a minute. Yeah. And so then I was like, okay, if this makes you, if this is what you want to do, I'll support you, whatever. And so it's been, you know, 16 years that he's been in now with it. So yeah. But to answer your question about the transitions, it's really about creating an anchor in every place I go. I'll get asked, where's your favorite place that you've lived? And I I've somebody once told me bloom where you're planted. And that's really what I've really embraced that. And so I will find community. I will volunteer. I will be that parent that's involved and going out of my way to meet new people. And that is how I feel connected to the new places and the new transitions.

Painting Military Medical Life

SPEAKER_01 10:49

Yeah. And I think that's great advice. And I want to piggyback off to your bloom where you're planted. I have had quite a few spouses say, you know what, we're only here one year. We are only here two years. I am not going to invest in these friendships, knowing that I have to leave, knowing that, you know, my heart is going to be broken or my kids have to leave their friends or whatever that looks like. And I can definitely see that perspective because saying goodbye and leaving what you know and what you're comfortable with is hard. But I also feel like diving deep into those relationships and into that community is what makes it for you there. And um, you're having that support during that hard time. And so did you ever feel that way, whether you were somewhere for a year or you were somewhere for four years, were you ever like, I'm not doing it because I know this is not gonna be my forever place? No, no, I don't know how to operate that way. Yeah. Yeah. And I do think it's hard and it's a mindset, right? But I also feel like if if you are gonna live in the moment and make the best of whatever that situation is, and especially when you are flying solo, you have no family close by, these people surrounding you are your support. They do become your family. They are, you know, who you are spending the holidays with. And so I do feel like embracing it is a gift, but it's also really difficult sometimes in that situation.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

Absolutely. And yes, when you open yourself up to love and joy, you also open yourself up to suffering. Like that's just the reality of it. But you can't have the joy without that possible heartbreak. But then if you close yourself off, then you don't let the joy in. And I just, that's not a trade-off that I want to make.

SPEAKER_03 12:36

So great advice.

SPEAKER_01 12:38

Great advice. So I know there are resources out there for medical spouses, medical families, but are there specific resources that exist for military medical families that maybe our listeners need to know, whether it's for kids, whether it's for mental health resources, whether is is there something that comes to mind that maybe our listeners need to know?

Transitions, Grief, And New Normals

SPEAKER_00 13:02

I don't think there's anything specifically for military medical. We're we're kind of in a weird, it's a very small subset of the overall military that a lot of resources just don't go into. Like the hospital, they don't have like an FRG, a family readiness group. Like when my husband was deployed, I nobody checked on me from his quote unit because he wasn't in a unit. He was at a hospital. So it was the other docs in the clinic, but then like it was during COVID and that that it was a lot. So I think military medical actually kind of fall through the cracks a lot of times because we they just assume, like, oh, you're one of the more higher paid soldiers in the military. And so I'm sure you'll you have resources to figure it out.

SPEAKER_01 13:49

And then are the resources for the spouses or spouse networks are they more affiliated with the base or the hospital on social media, or is that not even there as well?

SPEAKER_00 14:01

No, that's not there as well. I would say there was one of the hospital commander's wives, um, like they change every two years. There was one wife that did like a social or like an open, like, hey, come meet me type of thing. I'd love to get to know you. But it was really formal and I wouldn't say it was a resource per se. But yeah, no, sadly.

SPEAKER_01 14:23

It's definitely needed from the sounds of it. So if you are listening and you guys are in this situation currently, then be the person to start it. Yeah. Right. If it's not there, be the person to do the socials or to have a coffee meetup, something where I feel like you can start building that support in that community. Yeah. So for someone listening who feels untethered, like they are starting over every few years, what would be one thing that they could do immediately to start building the connection that we also deeply need? And I always love your advice because I feel like they are bite-sized nuggets and very easily implemented and you don't feel overwhelmed. And so I would just love to know what's one thing you would tell them.

SPEAKER_00 15:10

So I would say to initiate one small low-stakes interaction that's really rooted in authenticity. So it's not a performance, you don't have to have like this huge play party or this, like, you know, brunch with all the fixings. Invite a neighbor for a walk or introduce yourself to the barista at the coffee shop, or maybe join like a local group. I know that there are lots of different spouses groups in the military that some are religious-based, some are volunteer-based, that you can just show up and spouses get it. They're like, oh, we get it. We've been here. You're you're new. Welcome. Come on, join us.

SPEAKER_03 15:48

Yeah.

Bloom Where You’re Planted

SPEAKER_00 15:49

Yeah. And really taking that pressure off of the interaction. The goal isn't to become instant best friends. It's to simply show up for yourself in a new place. So it's really about like, I put myself out there. I added value to this barista's day by, hey, I'm I'm Courtney. Like, oh my gosh, I love you're so energetic. Like, I really appreciate how you always get my coffee right, or I see how kind you are to the, you know, baristas or, you know, where are you from or whatever? It's about connection. So it's not about the end goal. It's just about that moment of connecting with another human and seeing that as like a thread that you can sometimes it'll follow and sometimes it won't. But just okay, I don't have to put so much pressure on every interaction that has to lead to like, oh my gosh, we're BFS and we're gonna go travel together. Like, no, I just a small act of authenticity.

SPEAKER_01 16:45

And keeping it simple, right? I think sometimes we feel like it's it's gotta be this extravagant something. And a lot of times it's just a simple hello. Oh yeah. And yeah, and then like you said, that interaction, meeting for that coffee, I feel like it could go a long way.

unknown 17:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:03

I was in um this, they're not military medical at all, but it was during COVID. And I took my kids to Florence because we're stationed in Germany, and there was another English-speaking family, and they heard us speaking English, and they were like, Are you American? Like it was just so an instant connection, right? An instant connection. And like we've met up with them, like they're they live in California, and like they've come to Europe a few times and they sent Christmas cards. Like it is just this, you just never know what will lead to something just by asking a simple or acknowledging a shared, you know, thing.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

Right, right. And you know, getting out of that comfort zone, sometimes it's a little bit uncomfortable to be the one to reach out or to say something. But like you had said, you may be missing out on this joy that you would be bringing back into your life or what you may need at that exact moment. Yeah. I know you also work one-on-one and you help women feel safe and supported and reconnecting with themselves or their relationships. And I know we could go on and on about that as well because I know you've got these amazing retreats. And so for listeners who want more wisdom or want to explore working with you, whatever that capacity may look like, best way for them to find you, connect with you, find out what your services look like, and maybe have some sort of consultation with you.

Opening To Joy And Heartbreak

SPEAKER_00 18:34

Sure. So the best way to connect, I think, is through social media. Mine is Courtney Boyer coaching, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, you know, and it really gives you an idea of the vibe, whether it's me or a different coach or practitioner, of okay, this is kind of like their style and this is like things that are important to them, and this is how they like their worldview. I think that is a great starting point. And then just message me. Like I love talking to people, even if I can't help you, or you're like, oh, I want to just ask you a few questions about your thoughts on this, or I offer free brief coaching in my DMs on Instagram. So like you can ask me a quick question and be like, hey, I'm really struggling with like anxiety. Do you have any quick tips for that? Or like, oh, I want to break up with my boyfriend, but I'm not really sure if I should. And yeah, you know, if it's a quick thing, I'll usually send a voice note and offer some wisdom or insights. And if they need more support, then I'll just say, hey, sounds like you you would really benefit from a larger container so that we can figure out how to best support you.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

Well, so kind for you to offer your time and your wisdom. And just really fast, a question I have for you. Do you work with just anybody? Do you work with just military? Do you work with just, you know, physician families and spouses? What does it typically look like the type of people that you um work most with and coach with?

SPEAKER_00 20:00

Yeah. Uh so I work predominantly with professionals in any field. So people who are really high achieving, who have done all the quote right things, who are the overachievers and they are feeling really disconnected and burned out and unsure what to do. So some are military, some are doctors, some are teachers, entrepreneurs, just all across. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:24

Yeah. They're just all overwhelmed. Yes. Right.

unknown 20:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:29

Well, I know that you have something that you are going to share with the listeners for the month of December. So I would love for you to chat briefly about what that is. And then for you guys listening, obviously this will be in show notes along with ways that you can find Courtney and connect with her, all her social media, website, and so forth.

Resource Gaps For Military Medical

SPEAKER_00 20:52

Yeah. So a few years ago, the Huffington Post reached out to me and was like, hey, we'd love for you to do a piece on relationships. And so I was like, man, how can I really add value to a lot of the stuff that's out there? And so I considered in my own life, like, well, what do I do with my relationships? And every year on my our anniversary dinner with my husband, we go through this like relationship checklist that I made up. And so I like adapted it for the Huffington Post and it got really great response. And so then I said, oh, well, I can make an easy one through 10 questions that you can ask. It's a relationship audit and I offer it for free during December because it's a great time to really re examine and to assess your relationship and figure out, like, okay, how do I feel about you know this area? It's like financial, sexual, physical, emotional, and spiritual, I think are the five categories. And they're really fun, easy, but thought-provoking questions. So that is what I would love to share with your community if they're interested in having that.

SPEAKER_01 21:56

Yeah, so generous. And with those 10 questions, then do you do that with your partner and then you each answer the question together?

SPEAKER_00 22:06

Yep. Yep. So it's like, okay, number one, are you feeling connected to our spiritual community? I think this is it's a loose question like that. And then each person will kind of like take turns, like, you know, I really felt like this year I didn't do a good job of reading the scripture or being at church or going to synagogue, whatever it is. Or I'm really struggling with this belief. Or I'd, you know, I'd really like to start doing these things with you to increase our spirituality or whatever.

SPEAKER_02 22:36

So I love that.

SPEAKER_01 22:38

And it it opens up that communication for you guys and kind of setting things up for whatever is going well, whatever you may need help with, and uh kind of putting that ball in motion, especially for like the new year, right?

Be The Starter: Create Community

SPEAKER_00 22:52

Yeah. And the the thing I say on top is at the the preamble is this is about curiosity and not judgment. This is not well, I saw that you gained about 20 pounds this year, might want to get your ass back on the treadmill, right? Like that is not helpful. That is not what this is about. Yeah, it's about your own self-reflection of like, okay, this is what I notice. This is what I need. And then the your partner's saying, how can I support you in that? Or do you want me to support you in that?

SPEAKER_01 23:23

Sure, sure. And I think that's so important. And you saying that reminds me of those funny reels of everybody saying, we listen and we do not judge, or we don't judge. And so that is what it is making me think of as I will be doing this with my husband. So thank you for sharing that. And just thank you for being here. I feel like every time you're here, you bring a sense of calm, clarity, and and giving permission, permission to breathe, permission to express yourself, permission to acknowledge your feelings and to slow down, just all the above. And so I just I'm so grateful to have you back again. Thank you for joining us.

SPEAKER_00 24:06

Thank you. No, thank you so much. I it truly is a pleasure. I'm thank you so much.

Low‑Stakes Authentic Interactions

SPEAKER_01 24:11

Yeah, no, thank you. And for everyone listening, I hope you felt even one moment today where you said, okay, I'm I'm not alone. It is okay to have these feelings. And if this episode helped you, I think the best way to support the show is to follow the podcast. I would love for you to leave a review and then send this episode to another physician or military spouse who may need it today. And you matter, your experience matters, and you deserve support. Not someday, but every day, and more importantly, right now. So thank you again for being here, Courtney, and thank you guys for listening. And until next time, that's a wrap on this episode of Behind the White Coat. I hope today's conversation left you feeling more understood and supported. And if you enjoyed this episode, I would love for you to subscribe, leave a review, or share it with another physician spouse. Your support helps more of us to connect. Keep in mind this podcast is for you. So let's keep this conversation going. DM me on Instagram at Amanda Barron Realtor with your thoughts, topic ideas, questions, or even guest suggestions. I would really love to hear from you. Thanks for spending part of your day with me, and remember, you are never in this alone. See you next time.