#49| The Hidden Cost Of Moving Far From Family

We talk through the hardest decision many medical families face: choosing proximity to family or a career opportunity that can change everything. We name the grief and guilt that come with both paths and share a few ways to make peace with a choice you can’t fully predict. 

• the “emotional math” behind residency, fellowship, and attending moves 
• what we gain and what we lose when we choose the opportunity 
• what we gain and what we lose when we stay near family 
• why grief and “what if” show up no matter what we pick 
• three reminders that help us move forward without spiraling 
• our Nashville story and how life can take a surprising turn 
• ways to create community and rebuild traditions in a new place 

If you enjoyed this episode, I would love for you to subscribe, leave a review, or share it with another physician spouse. Your support helps more of us to connect. Keep in mind this podcast is for you. So, let's keep this conversation going. 

Connect with me on Instagram or email me at amanda@abtnhomes.com with your thoughts, topic ideas, questions, or even guest suggestions.

Transcript

The Impossible Family Or Career Choice

What You Gain And Lose Moving

What You Gain And Lose Staying

Grief And The What If Game

Three Anchors For Peace

Our Nashville Story And Surprises

You Are Not Alone Plus How To Connect

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hey friends, and welcome back to the podcast. If you are new here, I'm Amanda, a physician spouse, relocation specialist, and someone who has lived this exact tension we're talking about today. Because at some point in your medical journey, you are forced to answer a question that feels impossible. Do we choose to live near family or do we choose this huge career opportunity that could change everything? And so here's the truth that no one says out loud there's no option that is emotionally free. And so today we're going to be talking about the invisible cost of both choices because you may have this dream job, but it is not near your family. And so the grief, the guilt, the what-ifs, and how to make peace with a decision that will shape your family's life. So when people talk about their residency, their fellowship, or especially attending life, they focus on the career side. But no one prepares you for the emotional math. So on one side, you've got your people, your parents, grandparents who want to help, friends who already know your story. You feel super comfortable. You may have your church community and the safety net that you can't put a price on. And then on the other hand, you've got great opportunities. You've got this hospital and this program and maybe a city that promises growth and fulfillment, maybe security and maybe even joy. And so suddenly your life becomes a pro-con list where both sides hold your heart. So let's talk about what happens when you choose the opportunity. So you go this route, you gain career momentum, maybe some financial stability, new experiences, which is super exciting, and independence. And that's what we did. We left and had not been in the same city as our parents since we were like 18. But you also could maybe lose some spontaneous help, shared holidays, emergency backup, the comfort of your friends and being known. You start missing maybe some birthdays, or if you have family dinner, your kids grow up starting to FaceTime their grandparents, and you become the strong one because you don't have a choice. And sometimes you think, why does everyone else get a village and we had to build our own from scratch? Now let's talk about the other side. If you decide to stay in your family instead of branching out on your own or going to a new exciting place, you're obviously going to be gaining support and child care, maybe some emotional safety. You've got history and comfort there. But then let's talk about the things that maybe you're losing. Maybe it's your dream job, your dream program. Maybe it's a leadership opportunity, a chance at something bigger. And of course, that feeling that eats you, the what if. So you might watch peers pass you. You might wonder if you are playing small, or you might feel guilty for resenting a life you also deeply appreciate. And that emotional tension can be really heavy. And it's it's a really hard choice sometimes when couples are sitting down and trying to weigh those options. And so here's the part we don't say out loud. No matter which choice you make, you'll still grieve a little bit, or you'll still have a what-if of something you didn't choose. You will imagine things that maybe could have been if you went that route, or you picture a different version of what life would look like. And you'll wonder if things would have been easier or happier or lighter. And it doesn't mean that you chose wrong. You're human. We all play this what-if game, and that's when we ride our pros and cons, and we're worried, what if I make a wrong decision? So, do we live with a choice that comes with loss? And here are three things that I remind myself and many, many families that I work with that you can't optimize for everything at once. This season is not going to be forever. So, what feels permanent right now will shift. And it means that you just you really care about these paths. You care about your decision. And so you're allowed to build meaning wherever you land. So, community can be created, traditions can be rebuilt, joy can grow in new soil. And so if you're standing in this space, unsure, maybe you're emotional, you're overwhelmed, please know this that you're you're not behind. You are not wrong for wanting a little bit of both. And whatever you choose, you'll grow into that life that follows. And so the big thing that I tell people is as much as we try to plan and we try to predict, we're still not going to know things. So, for example, when we came here to Nashville for Chris to start his residency, we didn't know where fellowship would be. And we had every intention to move back to Texas because both of our families lived there and we wanted to be close to family. When we came to Nashville, we loved it. He really loved his job. So we ended up staying. And we lived here, I think it was probably about five or six years that we lived here on our own. No family was here. Obviously, family would come visit. We didn't have much of a community here. We built that over time. And then, surprise to us, my parents ended up moving here. They wanted to be closer. We never had envisioned them leaving Texas. They'd been there for 35 plus years. And then, interesting enough, about three years ago, my brother and his family moved up here, and we could never have predicted that. So a lot of times when we're trying to weigh these pros and cons of job opportunities, it's hard because we're looking at all aspects: the financial side of things, family side of things, emotional side of things. And a lot of times what we think is going to happen, it takes a total different turn. And so we could never have predicted to be here 20 years and could never have predicted that my parents and my brother and his family live here. And so it's okay to feel these feelings. It's okay to not know which decision to make, but you know, to just kind of lean into it. It's one of the hardest decisions that a medical family will ever make and one of the least talked about. So I know that this may not solve your problems, but at least know I completely understand. I think a lot of us understand. And so if this resonated with you, share it with somebody who's in the middle of this choice. And just sometimes knowing you're not alone makes the weight a little bit lighter. Please know at any time you are welcome to reach out to me just to have an open communication, to vent, to chat about things. Maybe you're going through a certain situation that I personally haven't gone through, but maybe I can connect you to somebody that is going through this situation, maybe somebody that is gonna be moving to the institution that you have a job opportunity to. I would love to connect you. And that way you guys can maybe talk, ask some questions. So just know I'm always here. I appreciate you for being here. And until next time, that's a wrap on this episode of Behind the White Coat. I hope today's conversation left you feeling more understood and supported. And if you enjoyed this episode, I would love for you to subscribe, leave a review, or share it with another physician spouse. Your support helps more of us to connect. Keep in mind this podcast is for you. So let's keep this conversation going. DM me on Instagram at Amanda Barron Realtor with your thoughts, topic ideas, questions, or even guest suggestions. I would really love to hear from you. Thanks for spending part of your day with me, and remember, you are never in this alone. See you next time.