#58| When Pregnancy Is Not Simple

We share a tender, honest look at infertility, pregnancy loss, and the invisible weight people carry while life keeps moving. We tell our family’s story and the lessons it taught us about assumptions, language, grief, and choosing kindness when we do not know what someone is facing.

• infertility and pregnancy loss as common but isolating experiences
• our path from a “textbook” first pregnancy to recurrent losses
• testing, specialists, and discovering a clotting disorder
• high-risk pregnancy realities and the stress behind the scenes
• why assumptions about families and fertility can harm
• how “helpful” phrases can land painfully and what to say instead
• grief without a timeline and emotions that come in waves
• holding joy for others while carrying personal sadness

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DM me on Instagram or email me at amanda@abtnhomes.com with your thoughts, topic ideas, questions, or even guest suggestions.

Transcript

Welcome To Behind The White Coat

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey there, and welcome to Behind the White Coat. I'm Amanda Barron, your host, physician spouse, and your go-to friend for real talk about this medical life. If you're juggling long hours, solo parenting, or finances and feel overwhelmed, you are not alone. This podcast is your space for honest conversations, real advice, and the support I wish I had years ago. Some episodes will be just me sharing what I've learned. Other times I'll bring on guests to help navigate the challenges of being married to medicine. So grab your coffee or wine, get comfy, and let's dive in.

Why This Conversation Is Tender

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Hey friends, and welcome back to Behind the White Coat, Real Talk for Physician Spouses. Today's episode is a little bit of a tender one, and it's one that I've thought about recording for a long time, and it's one that I've kind of been putting off. You know, I know we get into personal stories here, and it is a personal story. It is a little emotional, and you know, I'm not an expert by any means on this topic, but I also know that some of the most important conversations aren't necessarily led by experts. They are led by people willing to be honest to explain maybe their journey in certain situations and just sharing their experiences sometimes, I think, just helps people who are kind of in the same situation or walking the same walk. And so today I want to talk a little bit about infertility, fertility struggles, pregnancy loss, and the parts of people's stories that we don't necessarily always see. And I'm going to share a little bit of our story, not because it's necessarily the same as yours, but because maybe it just helps someone feel a little bit less alone and also want this episode to just be a reminder for all of us to lead with more grace, more kindness, and just a little bit more awareness because we truly never know what someone is walking through. We don't see things behind closed doors. And so I think we always need to keep that front of mind. And, you know, we just don't always know what people are walking through. So I'm gonna go ahead and just get started. Infertility and pregnancy loss are way more common than people talk about. And part of it is because it is private and people don't want you to see what's going on behind closed doors, but they can be very isolating as as well, because so much of it happens very quietly behind closed doors, between doctors' appointments. Obviously, a lot of emotions involved and waiting and hoping mixed with disappointment and various hormones and happiness sometimes as well. And so you can be sitting next to someone at dinner or at school pickup at church and have no idea they are carrying something this heavy. And that's the part that's really stayed with me. We assume we know people's stories, but we only see the highlight real. Um we a lot of times, especially in our social media lives that we live, you see the good. And a lot of people don't share the real and raw behind the scenes. And so I want to just share our personal story with you.

Our Losses And A High-Risk Path

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We had our first son, and it was very textbook. Textbook as far as um we got pregnant right away. It was a very easy pregnancy, a very easy delivery. And he was born and healthy and and all was great. And then um, you know, fast forward a couple years and we decided we were ready for another kiddo, and we thought it I mean, ignorance is bliss, right? Why would we think something uh would be any different? And it was much harder. So we did get pregnant right away. We actually were pregnant three more times, and we lost all three of those pregnancies, and none of them got into second trimester, but it didn't mean that it wasn't as painful. We didn't feel a loss, and we were definitely devastated and we didn't understand what was happening, what was going on, and why this was happening when our first experience was so different. So that's when we had to move into doctors' appointments and specialists and fertility specialists and kind of get some testing and figure out what was going on. And long story short, I somehow, um, in between my first pregnancy and a couple years later, developed a clotting disorder. So I was not able to sustain these pregnancies without additional meds and blood thinners and so forth. So I had to start on all those medications, plus do hormones, plus, you know, all the injections and and the various things. And so we did end up getting pregnant and we've got our second kiddo from that pregnancy, but it was a very, very high risk pregnancy the entire time. So a lot of stress, a lot of appointments, and you know, we knew that was gonna be it because of how hard it was to not only get pregnant, but keep the pregnancy. And then I had an emergency C-section, and so it was just not worth the risk after this, but he obviously was very much worth it, and we're so grateful we have him. But it was really hard and traumatizing and stressful, not only during the pregnancy loss, during the fertility, during all the testing, and then during the pregnancy and the delivery. So even though we had, you know, all this support, people that loved us, there was still a lot of behind the scenes stress and grief and you know, life going on around you as all of this is happening. You know, life keeps moving. And, you know, when we were having these pregnancy loss and people announcing their pregnancies and people celebrating these milestones, we were genuinely happy for them, but also quietly hurting at the same time, trying to figure out, you know, what's happening and how how do we um, you know, fix this problem, fix this issue. And both of those things can exist at the same

What Infertility Taught Me About Kindness

SPEAKER_00 7:02

time. And like I said, I'm I'm no expert, but there are a few things this season taught me that I have carried on since then. And obviously this was years ago, but it did teach me a lot. And so some of those things that I want to share with you is like I said, you never know what someone is walking through. You know, that woman that has three kids, we don't know her story behind that. The couple without kids, we don't know their story either. And so we have to one stop assuming she's got three kids, she doesn't know what I'm going through. Again, we have no clue what her story is, right? Or those that choose to not have kids, or you know, it again, it's their story, and so we can't ever assume. So that's the first thing I learned going through this. The second is words matter more than we think. And I think a lot of times people want to support you when you're going through something, but they don't know what to say. And I think sometimes just saying, I don't know what to say, but I am here for you, you know, being very honest with that. But I will say sometimes people would tell me, I'm just so stressed, I need to relax. You know, I will get pregnant if I just relax, or it'll happen when it's meant to happen, or you know, God only gives you what you can handle. And even when they're very well intended, they can land in a really painful way sometimes. And again, you know people don't mean it that way. It's just when you're going through it and you are in pain and you are stressed, or again, you have all of these hormones and emotions. I think sometimes just being there for someone, telling them you're there for them, not necessarily trying to fix any problems, but just telling them I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you. That's all you have to do. The third thing I learned is grief doesn't have a timeline and there's no moving on date, and I say that with air quotes, no checklist for healing. It comes in waves and sometimes it shows up when you least expect it. And there are still times I get sad about those three pregnancies that we lost. And obviously I wouldn't have Tucker if I hadn't lost them, but it's it's still things that I definitely get emotional about. And when people are sharing their stories, I can definitely relate and get emotional. And so, you know, there's still there's no timeline, and everybody kind of deals with that differently. The fourth thing I learned is you can hold joy and grief at the same time. And this one was really big for me that you can celebrate others, but still feel your own sadness. And it doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you human. You've got these feelings, you have these emotions, and you have these things that you are going through personally, and sometimes it helps to share them, and sometimes you want to keep it private within your family, and that's okay. And so I just wanted to share this because if you're walking through infertility or if you experience pregnancy loss, if you're in this waiting season, I I just wanted you to hear that you're not alone, and even if it feels like you are, your story matters, your grief is valid, and your timeline does not need to look like anybody else's. So if you don't feel like talking about it, that's okay. And then if you want to talk about it, that's great too. You decide, you don't owe anyone an explanation. You don't, this is your own story, and you get to decide how you want to share it. And for anyone listening, whether this has been your journey or not, I think it's really just an invitation to slow down our assumptions, to choose our words more carefully, and to just always lead with kindness, even when we don't fully understand. Because the truth is there are so many stories happening around us, and we'll never fully see the big picture of what's going on behind closed doors. And kindness costs us nothing, but it can mean everything to someone. So I'm really glad that we got to have this conversation today, and it's just the beginning. In a future episode, I will be bringing on a guest who has walked through infertility in a different way. And I'm hopeful that hearing multiple stories will help more people feel seen and supported.

Share, Subscribe, And Stay Connected

SPEAKER_00 11:48

Um, and if this episode resonated with you, or if you know someone who might need to hear it, please feel free to share it with them. And, you know, just thank you for being here, for listening, being part of this community, and you know, sharing your time with me. So until next time. That's a wrap on this episode of Behind the White Coat. I hope today's conversation left you feeling more understood and supported. If you enjoyed this episode, subscribe, leave a review, and share it with another physician spouse. Your support helps more of us connect. This podcast is for you, so let's keep the conversation going. DM me on Instagram at Amanda BarronRealter with your thoughts, topic ideas, or guest suggestions. I would love to hear from you. Thanks for spending part of your day with me, and remember, you are never in this alone. Until next time.