Leading as a Trauma Survivor: Insights From Both Sides | Your Trauma-Wise Career Guide Ep 42

"Just create psychological safety by telling your team it's okay to make mistakes!" Everyone nodded. I felt my stomach tighten. Because I remembered being that employee - the one whose manager said all the right things, then subtly punished every misstep.
When you've been on both sides of the desk - both the employee hoping for safety and the leader trying to create it - you have a perspective most leadership development programs don't address.
In this episode, I explore what it's like to lead as a trauma survivor, including:

The gap between what leaders think they're communicating and what trauma survivors actually hear
Why popular leadership advice often falls flat (or causes harm)
The dual perspective advantage: what survivor leaders see that others miss
What we have to navigate that traditional leaders don't
Leading from integration, not despite your trauma history

If you're a leader carrying your own trauma history, this episode is for you.
TIMESTAMPS:
0:00 - Hook: When Leadership Training Misses the Mark
0:30 - The Problem: When Leaders Don't Know What They Don't Know
4:00 - What Sounds Good But Falls Flat
4:00 - "We Have an Open Door Policy"
5:15 - "Mistakes Are Learning Opportunities"
6:30 - "Take Care of Yourself"
7:45 - "I'm Here to Support You"
11:00 - The Dual Perspective Advantage
15:30 - What We Have to Navigate That Traditional Leaders Don't
18:30 - Leading From Integration, Not Despite Trauma
21:00 - Moving Forward: Your Dual Perspective Is Your Superpower
22:00 - Join the Waitlist for Leading at the Nervous System Level
Ready to lead from integration? Join the waitlist: https://resilientcareeracademy.myflodesk.com/tilwaitlist

When you're ready, here are 3 ways I can help you grow your career journey:

1. Free trauma-informed career development resources from my website! Visit https://www.cyndibennettconsulting.com for always up-to-date tips.
2. Ready to build a fulfilling career with trauma-informed support? Join The Resilient Career Academy Learning Community, where trauma survivors support each other, share resources, and develop career resilience in a safe, understanding environment
3. Ready for personalized trauma-informed career coaching? Explore my range of virtual coaching packages designed for different stages of your career journey. Visit my website to find the right support for where you are now. [Visit my website: https://www.cyndibennettconsulting.com/1-on-1-coaching]

DISCLOSURE: Some links I share might contain resources that you might find helpful. Whenever possible I use referral links, which means if you click any of the links in this video or description and make a purchase we may receive a small commission or other compensation at no cost to you.

Transcript

Cyndi: [00:00:00] Just tell your team it's okay to make mistakes. Everyone nodded. I felt my stomach tightened because I knew exactly why that advice doesn't work.

Did you know that trauma impacts how we navigate our careers, but most career advice ignores this reality? Imagine feeling confident and safe at work while honoring your healing journey. Welcome to Your Trauma-Wise Career Guide, the podcast that reimagines career development for trauma survivors. I'm your host, Cyndi Bennett, a trauma survivor turned trauma-informed career coach and founder of the Resilient Career Academy. If you're navigating your career while honoring your healing journey, you are in the right place.

Today we're talking about what it's like to lead as a trauma survivor. Because when you've been on both sides of the desk-- both the employee hoping for [00:01:00] safety and the leader trying to create it-- you have a perspective that's invaluable. You know what leaders think they're communicating versus what trauma survivors are actually receiving. 

I remembered performing enthusiasm in response to these reassurances while my nervous system screamed that actions and words were completely misaligned. I remembered thinking, "You have no idea what you're actually asking of us."

Now, as someone who leads others while carrying my own trauma history, I have a perspective most leadership development programs don't address: I know what it feels like on both sides. I know what leaders think they're communicating versus what trauma survivors are actually receiving. I understand the gap between well-intentioned policies and lived experience.

And I've learned that some of the most [00:02:00] popular leadership advice about supporting trauma survivors is not just ineffective-- it can actually deepen distrust and harm. 

Here's what makes leading as a trauma survivor both challenging and invaluable: we can't unknow what we know about how leadership impacts nervous systems. We remember what it felt like when someone in power said one thing and did another. We can feel the dissonance when organizational values exist on paper but not in practice. We know-- viscerally-- what genuine safety feels like versus what performed safety looks like.

But this dual perspective comes with its own complications. Sometimes our own trauma responses get activated when we're trying to lead. Sometimes we over-correct, attempting to be the opposite of leaders who harmed us. Sometimes we struggle with [00:03:00] wielding the very authority that was once weaponized against us.

The cost of not addressing this dual reality? Leaders with trauma histories either burn themselves out trying to be perfect, replicate harmful patterns they swore they'd never repeat, or avoid leadership altogether because they can't reconcile their experience with traditional power dynamics.

Meanwhile, teams miss out on the profound wisdom that comes from leaders who genuinely understand what they're asking of their people. If you are a leader who's also a trauma survivor, you're not broken or compromised. You have access to insights most leadership programs can't teach. The question is: how do you leverage your dual perspective without being consumed by it?

What leaders think they're communicating:I'm accessible and approachable. You can come to me with anything.

[00:04:00] What trauma survivors hear: "I'm putting the burden on you to initiate vulnerable conversations with someone who has power over your livelihood, without any structure or safety net to protect you if this goes badly."

What I learned from both sides: Open doors mean nothing if walking through them requires more courage than most people can access in a work context. As an employee, I never used open door policies-- not because I didn't have concerns, but because the risk assessment my nervous system performed every time I considered it always came back negative.

As a leader, I learned that structure creates more safety than openness. Regular check-ins means people don't have to choose to be vulnerable-- vulnerability becomes normalized into the rhythm of our work. Specific prompts like " What's one thing making your work [00:05:00] harder right now?" give people permission to share without requiring them to initiate difficult conversations.

"Mistakes are learning opportunities." What leaders think they're communicating: I won't punish you for being human. It's safe to take risks and occasionally fail.

What trauma survivors hear: "I'm saying the words that make me sound enlightened, but my actual response when you mess up is the only data that matters."

What I learned from both sides: As an employee, I watched leaders enthusiastically embrace "learning culture" in all hands meetings, then saw colleagues subtly marginalized after mistakes. The words were meaningless-- I was tracking behavior patterns and consequences.

As a leader, I learned that you don't build a learning culture by announcing your values. You build it through what you do the first time someone [00:06:00] genuinely messes up. Your response in that moment teaches your team everything they need to know about whether your words match reality.

What actually helps: Demonstrating through your own mistakes that you mean what you say. Acknowledging when you got something wrong, naming what you learned, showing the team that error is actually metabolized as learning rather than failure.

"Take care of yourself." What leaders think they're communicating: I care about your well-being. I don't want you to burn out.

What trauma survivors hear:. "I'm aware you're drowning, but I'm making your survival your individual responsibility while I continue creating conditions that make self-care nearly impossible."

What I learned from both sides: As an employee, I found "self-care" messaging deeply frustrating when the organization's demands made [00:07:00] actual rest impossible. It felt like leadership was outsourcing their responsibility for sustainable working conditions.

As a leader, I learned that telling people to take care of themselves while maintaining unrealistic workloads is worse than saying nothing. It signals awareness of the problem combined with unwillingness to address systemic causes.

What actually helps: Looking at actual workloads, meeting schedules, and cultural norms that prevent rest. Making systemic changes that allow self-care to be realistic, not just rhetoric.

"I'm here to support you." What leaders think they're communicating: I'm on your side. I want to help you succeed.

What trauma survivors hear: "I'm performing concern, and now you're supposed to trust me enough to be vulnerable about what's actually hard, even though you've learned that vulnerability with people in power [00:08:00] is dangerous."

What I learned from both sides: As an employee, generic offers of support meant little. They put the burden on me to identify what I needed and ask for it from someone who could fire me. The risk benefit analysis rarely favored disclosure.

As a leader, I learned that vague support offers are actually asks for trust I haven't earned. Specific support based on observation is what matters: "I notice the deadlines are piling up. Let me take this one off your plate," not "Let me know if you need anything."

What actually helps: Demonstrating support through action before asking for vulnerability. Noticing patterns and addressing them without requiring people to confess struggle.

Here's what all of these examples have in common: traditional leadership advice focuses on what sounds good, what demonstrates the right values, what [00:09:00] makes leaders feel like they're doing the right thing. But trauma survivors aren't listening to your words-- they're watching your actions. They're tracking patterns. They're assessing whether your stated intentions match your actual behaviors when it becomes inconvenient.

And as leaders who've been on both sides, we know this viscerally. We can't unknow what we know about the gap between performance and reality.

So what do survivor leaders see that others miss? Let me walk you through the advantages of this dual perspective.

First, we recognize the subtle threat signals. Because our nervous systems learned to detect danger for survival, we notice the micro-signals that traditional leaders miss. The person who gets quiet in meetings. The slight tension when certain topics arise. The way somebody's body language shifts when [00:10:00] specific names are mentioned.

How this serves teams: We can intervene before small disconnections become major ruptures. We can identify when someone is struggling before they have to announce it.

The challenge: Learning to distinguish between actual threat signals and our own hypervigilance. Not every pattern we notice needs immediate intervention.

Second, we understand that safety must be demonstrated, not declared. We've been on the receiving end of proclaimed safety that evaporated when tested. We know that people don't believe what you say about safety-- they believe what you do when safety becomes inconvenient.

How this serves teams: We're less likely to rely on policies and statements to create safety. We know we have to prove through consistent action, over time, that our [00:11:00] words align with reality.

The challenge: The patience required for this approach. We can't rush trust. We have to demonstrate reliability through hundreds of small actions, which feels achingly slow when we want our teams to feel safe now.

Third, we know the differences between accommodation and true inclusion. We've experienced the patronizing "help" that marks us as broken rather than creating conditions where we could thrive.

How this serves teams: We're more likely to build universal accessibility into our practices rather than asking people to disclose limitations and request accommodations. We create structures that work for varied nervous systems without requiring people to explain their needs.

The challenge: Not over-correcting by removing all structure or challenge in an attempt to avoid causing [00:12:00] discomfort. Some discomfort is part of growth.

Finally, we're suspicious of power, including our own. Having experienced the harm that authority can cause, we're often uncomfortable with the power inherent in leadership positions.

How this serves teams: We're less likely to abuse our authority or remain blind to how power dynamics affect every interaction. We're more likely to distribute power, invite challenge, and remain accountable.

The challenge: Sometimes we underuse our authority when our teams actually need clear direction. Our discomfort with power can create its own kind of instability when people need decisive leadership.

What works: Distinguishing between wielding authority and abusing it. Recognizing that sometimes the most caring thing we can do is make a clear decision rather than over-democratizing in [00:13:00] ways that create anxiety.

But leading as a trauma survivor isn't without its complications. Let me be honest about what we have to navigate that traditional leaders don't.

First, our own regulation while supporting others' regulation. Leading requires emotional stability and presence. But our trauma histories mean our nervous systems can get activated by workplace situations that others experience as routine. A tense meeting. A difficult conversation. An unexpected crisis.

The reality: We're managing our own regulation needs while trying to create regulating environments for others. Sometimes what we need for our own safety conflicts with what our team needs from us as leaders.

What helps: Building our own support systems separate from our teams. Having our own therapists, coaches, or peer support. Not expecting our teams to manage our regulation [00:14:00] needs while we manage theirs.

Second, the pull between perfectionism and self-compassion. Many of us survive by being perfect, by anticipating needs, by never making mistakes. These patterns don't disappear when we become leaders-- they often intensify because now we're responsible for others' well-being too.

The reality: We might hold ourselves to impossible standards. Trying to be the perfect trauma-informed leader who never messes up. This leads to burnout and ironically, makes us less effective leaders.

What helps: Remembering that modeling imperfections serves our teams more than demonstrating perfection. Showing our humanity, including our mistakes and repairs, teaches psychological safety more effectively than flawless performance ever could.

Third, knowing too much about what people might be [00:15:00] experiencing. Our experience gives us empathy and insight, but it can also lead to over-identifying with team members' struggles or projecting our own experiences onto theirs.

The reality: Not everyone experiences situations the way we do. Not every struggle is trauma-related. Sometimes our deep understanding of suffering makes us see it where it isn't, or prevents us from holding appropriate boundaries and expectations.

What helps: Staying curious rather than assuming. Asking what people's experiences are rather than thinking we already know.

The goal isn't to lead as if our trauma history doesn't exist. It's not about overcoming or transcending what we've experienced. It's about integration-- bringing all of who we are, including our survivor wisdom, to our leadership in ways that serve rather than deplete us.

Let me walk you [00:16:00] through what this actually looks like.

First, treating your trauma history as leadership data. Your experience as a survivor employee taught you things that traditional leadership development can't. What you learned about safety, trust, power, vulnerability and healing isn't baggage to overcome it's expertise to leverage.

Second, building your own support infrastructure. You cannot be the trauma-informed leader your team needs if you're not getting your own trauma-informed support. This isn't optional or self-indulgent-- it's essential infrastructure. This involves maintaining your own therapeutic relationships, connecting with other survivor leaders who understand the dual perspective, and creating clear boundaries between what you process with your team versus what you process with your support system.

[00:17:00] Third, accepting that you'll trigger and be triggered. You will inadvertently activate others' trauma responses. Others will inadvertently activate yours. This isn't failure-- it's the reality of humans leading humans. What matters is what you do after activation happens.

This means developing capacity for repair conversations, building comfort with apologizing when your leadership misses the mark, and creating systems for feedback that allow people to tell you when your actions don't match your intentions.

Finally, distinguishing between overcorrection and evolution. Many survivor leaders initially over-correct, trying to be the opposite of leaders who harmed us. This really works-- we end up creating different problems while avoiding the specific patterns we feared repeating.

If you are leading while carrying your own trauma [00:18:00] history, please hear this: you are not compromised. You're not broken. You're not less capable because you understand suffering from the inside. Your dual perspective-- knowing what it feels like to be both the employee hoping for safety and the leader trying to create it-- is exactly what leadership needs more of. You understand what actually helps versus what sounds good. You know what genuine safety requires versus what performed safety offers.

The work isn't about leading despite your trauma history. It's about leading from the integration of your full experience-- the suffering and the wisdom it produced, the wounds and the strength developed through healing, the vulnerability and the authority you've earned through doing your own work.

You know things about leadership that others have to learn intellectually-- you learn them in your body, [00:19:00] through direct experience. That knowledge is valuable precisely because of where it came from, not despite it. Your teams are lucky to have you. Not because you have all the answers, but because you're willing to stay with the questions in ways that leaders without your experience often aren't.

If you're a leader carrying your own trauma history and want to leverage your dual perspective into more effective, authentic leadership, I understand that journey-- because I am on it too. I'm launching a new trauma-informed leadership coaching intensive called " The Empowered Leader Intensive ." This intensive is designed specifically for survivor leaders who want to integrate their experience into their leadership practice in ways that serve their teams and sustain their own well-being.

I'll help you distinguish between trauma responses and trauma wisdom, build the support infrastructure that allows you to lead [00:20:00] effectively, and create leadership approaches that honor both your experience and your authority.

Get on the waitlist now, because your experience as a survivor employee isn't what disqualifies you from leadership-- it's what makes your leadership irreplaceable.

Thanks for listening to Your Trauma-Wise Career Guide. I'll see you next time.

You're not walking this path alone. Every step you take toward a trauma-wise career is an act of courage, and I'm here cheering you on. If today's episode resonated with you, share it with another survivor who needs to hear this message. Together we're rewriting the rules of career success. Keep rising, keep healing, keep building.