Weaponized Words: How We're Using Therapy Terms to Avoid Feelings

Therapy language that was once meant to foster clarity and connection has quietly shifted into a defensive tool that often creates distance rather than understanding. 

• Clinical terms like "gaslighting," "toxic," "narcissist," and "trauma" are frequently misunderstood and misused in everyday conversations
• The real definition of gaslighting involves psychological manipulation that causes someone to question their reality, not simple disagreement
• "Narcissist" isn't just someone self-absorbed, but a personality disorder requiring five or more specific DSM-5 criteria
• Trauma bonding isn't connecting over similar traumas, but a psychological attachment formed through cycles of abuse and positive reinforcement
• The critical difference between boundaries (which protect) and ultimatums (which control)
• Using therapy language can become emotional avoidance when we label others instead of expressing our own vulnerable feelings
• True emotional maturity isn't about mastering vocabulary but learning to sit with discomfort and take responsibility for our reactions
• When holding space for others, focus on being present rather than analyzing or fixing them
• Before using therapy terms, ask yourself: "Am I naming a pattern or reacting to a moment?"
• One of the most healing phrases isn't clinical at all: "That sounds really hard. I'm here with you"

Visit our website at licensedandunfiltered.com and share your experiences with therapy language on our YouTube channel.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Therapy Speak
• 4:20 Breaking Down Therapy Buzzwords
• 13:12 Reddit Relationship Advice Analysis
• 16:20 When Healing Becomes Avoidance
• 21:50 Holding Space Without Playing Therapist
• 27:21 "Never Go To Bed Angry" Debate
• 30:17 Boundaries vs. Ultimatums
• 33:50 Learn Before You Label

Transcript

Lina: 0:00

You're listening to Licensed and Unfiltered candid conversations about relationships, healing and being human. I'm Lina, a licensed therapist, bringing real talk to the topics your group chat avoids, whether you're in therapy avoiding it or giving it. You're in the right place. Let's get into it. Hey there, today let's talk about therapy language when it helps and when it hurts. Everyone's fluent in buzzwords like gaslighting, trauma and boundaries now, but are we using them to connect or to avoid connection? Hot take Healing culture may have made us more emotionally avoidant, not more emotionally healthy. What is Therapy Speak?

Lina: 0:53

Therapy Speak is when clinical or therapeutic terms originally meant to support healing start showing up in everyday conversations, especially during emotional or relational conflicts. These words began as tools for self-awareness and communication, but now they're often misused to diagnose others, shut down disagreements or dodge accountability. Let me give you an example. I came across a TikTok where someone called their friend a narcissist simply because they seemed self-absorbed and liked taking selfies. But here's the thing Narcissism is a clinically diagnosed personality disorder defined by strict DSM-5 criteria. It's not just a fancy insult or a way to describe someone you don't get along with. Misusing labels like this isn't just incorrect, it's harmful. I had a friend in a really difficult relationship. Her boyfriend would regularly call her a narcissist. Anytime she tried to advocate for herself, he used the word like a weapon. Whenever there was conflict, instead of reflecting on his actions, he'd label her and over time she started to believe it. She questioned her own motives, blamed herself for every argument and internalized the narrative that she was the problem. It took her years of therapy to unlearn that damage Therapy speak should be used for clarity, not control. When we misuse these terms, we risk hurting the very people we're trying to connect with. Let's break down the biggest therapy buzzwords, what they really mean, how they're often misused and how to spot the difference.

Lina: 2:41

The first word we will be talking about is gaslighting. The definition of gaslighting is it's a form of psychological manipulation that causes someone to question their perception of reality. So an example of this would be like that never happened. You're being dramatic. You always make things up when it absolutely did happen. Denial and minimization Could be like I never said that. Or you're overreacting. It's not a big deal. Shifting blame is a part of gaslighting too. It could be like this is all your fault. I wouldn't act this way if you weren't so sensitive, questioning memory, you're imagining things, or you always twist the truth, joking to excuse harm. Relax, it was just a joke, even if it really hurt. Relax, it was just a joke, even if it really hurt. Haven't we all heard that little gem? It was just a joke.

Lina: 3:53

And the last one is isolation Trying to separate someone from friends or family so they have less support. That is also a form of gaslighting. If you constantly feel like you're walking on eggshells or second-guessing your memory, check in with trusted outside voices. Gaslighting thrives in isolation.

Lina: 4:18

Let's talk about the word toxic. A toxic relationship includes ongoing patterns of emotional harm, manipulation or disrespect that impact your mental well-being. There's a misuse saying my friend forgot my birthday, so toxic. A real example would be my partner consistently belittles me, ignores my boundaries and blames me for their outbursts. That's an example of a toxic relationship. Common signs of toxic dynamics are constant criticism, guilt, tripping or passive aggressiveness, emotional manipulation or control. Emotional manipulation or control, unequal power dynamics, emotional exhaustion, loss of trust or safety and feeling like you're never enough. Pro tip one bad moment doesn't equal toxicity. Look for consistent patterns, not isolated events.

Lina: 5:26

The next one we will be talking about is the word narcissist. The top definition of a narcissist is someone who's self-absorbed or full of themselves. Now let's take a look at the real definition from the DSM-5. It is a personality disorder marked by grandiosity, lack of empathy and a deep need for admiration. To qualify, five or more of the following traits must be present. Five, that's not a small amount. They are as follows Exaggerated sense of self-importance, preoccupation with fantasies of success or power. They believe they're special and only understood by other high-status people. They require constant admiration. They feel entitled to special treatment. They exploit others. They lack empathy, they are envious or believe others are envious of them and they show arrogant behaviors or attitudes. A pro tip unless you're a licensed mental health professional with a long-term case history, don't diagnose. Focus on how someone's behavior impacts you, not what label you think fits.

Lina: 7:10

Let's talk about trauma. The definition of trauma is it's a deep emotional response to distressing or life-threatening events. It can disrupt emotional regulation and affect long-term relationships and self-perception. There's types of traumatic events, such as abuse or neglect, natural disasters, violence or war, car accidents, sudden death of a loved one, loved one, emotional betrayal or abandonment. Symptoms may include shock, fear, sadness and anger, flashbacks or nightmares, difficulty concentrating, headaches, fatigue and nausea and nausea, anxiety, depression or PTSD. Here's another pro tip Not every tough experience is trauma. Language matters.

Lina: 8:14

Saying trauma when you mean stress or hurt feelings dilutes the word and can invalidate those truly living with traumas aftermath. How does this event affect you right now, in the present? Is it holding you back from meaningful relationships? Is it worrying you? Are you spending a lot of time thinking about it on a daily basis? Those are things to ask yourself. If you're also not sure if you have trauma, okay, let's move into the word trauma, or rather words trauma bonding. Now, this is a very misunderstood word, I would say. A lot of people feel like if another person they meet has similar trauma and they connect on that, that's trauma bonding, and they connect on that. That's trauma bonding. That's not actually what it means.

Lina: 9:28

Trauma bonding is a psychological attachment formed through cycles of abuse and positive reinforcement, often between a victim and their abuser. So let's talk about what it looks like Abuse followed by kindness, creating a false sense of safety, strong emotional attachment to the abuser, guilt or responsibility for the abuser's behavior, difficulty leaving, even when they know it's harmful. Confused understanding of what a healthy relationship should be. Examples of this could be romantic partners, parent-child relationships and even manipulative friendships. Sometimes you have to break that bond. So if you or anyone you know is in a relationship like this, help them seek support. They need to be in therapy and find safe social connections. Also, have them get educated on what this is. They need to learn the signs to regain clarity and boundaries, starting small and enforcing consistently, as long as they are safe. Safety is the number one priority Pro tip. If love feels like chaos, pain and relief on repeat, it may not be love, it might be trauma bonding.

Lina: 11:11

Okay, so let's move into the last one we will cover today, which is boundaries the definition of boundaries, personal limits that define what's okay and not okay for your emotional, physical and mental safety. Boundaries are about you, not about controlling someone else. Let's talk about the types of boundaries that you can place. Boundaries are about you, not about controlling someone else. Let's talk about the types of boundaries that you can place Physical Space touch belongings, emotional, what you're willing to share or absorb, mental, respecting opinions and beliefs, digital access to your devices or social space. This is common in relationships that have trust issues, time, protecting your time and commitments, and financial clarity around money and sharing. An important note to also keep in mind are the difference between boundaries and expectations. They are not the same thing. Boundaries are for you, expectations are demands you place on others. Here's a pro tip A real boundary sounds like if this keeps happening, I'll need to step away to protect my peace, not you. Better stop or I'm leaving. So also learning how to communicate those boundaries can be really helpful in setting those boundaries.

Lina: 12:56

Okay, we are going to dive into a mini segment called misused versus real. These are going to be rapid fire comparison examples. So I will say misuse and then I will say a sentence, and then I will say real and then I will also say a sentence. Okay, so let's get started. Misuse, you're gaslighting me because you disagreed Real. Real, you denied something I have proof of, and now I'm questioning my memory. Misuse she's toxic because we don't vibe. Real, she constantly insults me, ignores my boundaries and makes me feel small. Misuse, he's a narcissist because he posts shirtless selfies. He's a narcissist because he posts shirtless selfies. Real, he lacks empathy, manipulates others and feels entitled to praise. Okay, here's a fun fact my husband refers to them as spicy naps when I go to bed mad. I think that's kind of funny. So let's take a break from my therapy talk for a bit and get to what's new in this segment, where we take actual posts and advice from Reddit and talk a bit. Okay, here's the Reddit post.

Lina: 14:26

Is it immature to sleep separately after arguing? I have difficulty sleeping next to my partner when I feel that he doesn't care for my feelings. Sometimes my boyfriend of three years can be very cold when we argue. I can cry in bed next to him and he will continue to read the news on his phone. Sometimes I choose to sleep on the couch because my crying will escalate when I feel that he does not care about my feelings. When we had an argument last night and I fell asleep on the couch, he threatened me never to do it again. Is it really so bad to sleep on the couch? The top comment Whether or not you're sleeping on the couch is a good way to handle your feelings.

Lina: 15:10

This behavior on his part is not acceptable. He's threatening, insulting, using silent treatment and being super manipulative. There is a common problem with these age differences where the older partner pulls manipulative, condescending bullshit under the guise of being more mature or wiser. The younger partner doesn't have the life experience yet to see through this nonsense and puts up with this shit at 25, they would never tolerate if they were 35. It's not your maturity, I question here. It's his. Okay, that was a thoughtful answer, my take. So what would happen if you slept on the couch again Like he's saying? So what you know? So what right? What is he actually threatening? First of all, a threat of any kind in any relationship is not healthy and, furthermore, if he's unwilling to comfort you when you're crying, he's an asshole. More than likely the latter sorry to say Okay. So let's talk about how emotional language, once meant to foster clarity and connection, has quietly shifted into something more defensive.

Lina: 16:32

What started as self-awareness has in many cases become self-protection, but not in the healthy boundary-setting way, more in the I-don't-want-to-be-vulnerable-so-I'll-label-you instead kind of way. It's often easier to say they're toxic than to say I felt hurt by how they spoke to me. Labeling can feel safer than facing hard emotions, especially when we're afraid of rejection, shame or being seen as too sensitive. But here's the risk Overusing labels like toxic, narcissist or triggered can shut down connection. Instead of creating understanding, they can create distance. Here's a real life example your friend forgets to invite you to their party. Instead of saying that hurt my feelings, I felt excluded. You say she's so toxic, I don't need that energy. Skipping emotional honesty in favor of clinical distance keeps you stuck and here's the thing it robs the other person of listening and fixing the behavior. If you don't give them the opportunity to work towards something better, then what's the point?

Lina: 18:00

Many of us aren't using therapy language to heal. We're using it to not feel. We've created a system where vulnerability is seen as weakness and labeling others feels more powerful than admitting pain. You're a narcissist. Feels stronger than I. Feel unimportant to you. I'm cutting out toxic people. Feels cleaner than that relationship ended painfully and I'm grieving.

Lina: 18:29

Here's a pro tip Pause before you label. Before you call someone toxic or manipulative, try this three question gut check. Am I naming a pattern or reacting to a moment? Do I feel clearer or just more distant? Would I say this directly to them if I had to explain it? If the answer is no, there's probably something deeper worth unpacking there. I would like to invite all of you to pause for a minute and ask yourselves am I setting a boundary or am I avoiding vulnerability? Boundaries protect Walls, isolate Learning. The difference takes practice, but that's where emotional growth happens. Emotional maturity isn't about mastering the right vocabulary. It's about learning to sit with discomfort, speak from the heart and take responsibility for our own reactions. Let's use self-awareness as a tool for connection, not a shield for self-defense. Now we're going to move into talking about when healing becomes avoidance.

Lina: 19:50

One time two friends of mine were having a disagreement about a movie. The upset friend said I'm feeling triggered because you keep interrupting me. It's really toxic to the way I'm feeling. So what happened here? The example a disagreement turns into a therapy session spiral. One person says you're triggering my trauma. The other shuts down, feeling blamed but not heard. In this particular instance, the upset friend used the word toxic. She probably shouldn't have used that word and probably should have used a different one. Probably shouldn't have used that word and probably should have used a different one. You know saying it's really hurtful to the way I'm feeling. Immediately. That sent my other friend to shut down and not really respond and say anything else, because she was triggered by the word toxic. She felt like it was a really harsh way to explain what was happening and like a complete overreaction. So it didn't allow for them to actually have a meaningful conversation. One said talk, they used the word toxic and the other one shut down.

Lina: 21:18

So therapy terms can be shields, not bridges, if we're not careful. Let's talk about when therapy language becomes a weapon and how to hold space without playing therapist. Let's go deeper. So we've talked about how therapy terms can be misused, but now let's look at what happens when they're weaponized. Let's talk about intent versus impact. Sometimes therapy speak sounds emotionally intelligent on the surface, but underneath it's being used to control, not connect, things like you're gaslighting me, you're violating my boundary, that's your trauma.

Lina: 22:07

Talking. These aren't always expressions of self-awareness. Sometimes they're tools to shut down a conversation and shift blame. Here's a weaponized example. So let's go back to our earlier story, the one with the movie argument and the interruption. I feel unheard. Can you please let me finish my thoughts. See the difference One invites resolution, the other ends the conversation entirely. Here's a pro tip the difference between being able to identify the difference between being emotionally intelligent versus emotionally controlling the language of therapy doesn't guarantee emotional maturity. In fact, true maturity isn't how well you use buzzwords, it's how safely others feel when you use them. Try this instead. I'm feeling overwhelmed. Can we pause for a minute so I can gather my thoughts? Or I felt dismissed when I was interrupted. I'd love for us to hear each other better. That's healthy communication.

Lina: 23:17

It names your feelings, expresses a need and leaves room for dialogue, not diagnosis. So how do we hold space without becoming their therapist? Let's be real. Sometimes in relationships it's easy to slide into therapist mode. You hear your partner struggling and you jump into analysis. That's because of your attachment style Correction. You always do this pattern Diagnosis You're projecting again right. But here's the thing your partner isn't your client, you're not their therapist.

Lina: 23:58

So what does holding space look like? Listening without trying to fix, reflecting feelings, not labeling them, staying grounded even when emotions get big Asking, not assuming. Big Asking, not assuming. Do you want me to listen or help you process? Holding space is about being present, not being perfect. It's about connection, not correction. So how do you stop playing therapist without abandoning support? Ask yourself am I listening or am I analyzing? Am I offering empathy or am I educating? Am I staying in a partnership or stepping into power? Here's a pro tip. One of the most healing things you can say is simply that sounds really hard. I'm here with you. No diagnosis, no fixing, just presence, making them feel heard, making them know that you're there to support them.

Lina: 25:15

Therapy language should be a tool, not a weapon. It should be used to open doors, not slam them shut. Let's stop talking about emotional safety and start creating it with how we show up. Here is a bonus takeaway a worksheet you can use at home, but we can go through it now. So it's called Listener Worksheet. Are you connecting or correcting? Here's what it includes.

Lina: 25:47

So the section one is the check-in Question. Think of the last disagreement you had. Did you use therapy language? If so, what words did you use? Was your goal to communicate or to defend? Section two is called reframe the moment. So fill in the blanks. I said fill in the blank. What I meant was fill in the blanks. I said fill in the blank. What I meant was fill in the blank. A more honest way I could have said that fill in the blank. Section three holding space script builder.

Lina: 26:28

So for the next time someone comes to you with big emotions, choose one phrase you can say, instead of jumping into therapist mode, you can say that sounds really tough. I'm here for you. Or do you want me to help you process? Or just listen, or I can sit with you in this. You don't have to go through it alone. And section four weekly practice. Try this three-part challenge this week. Catch yourself. Before using a buzzword, choose vulnerability instead. Before using a buzzword, choose vulnerability instead. Write down how it changed the interaction, if at all. Okay, so if you want to share what came up for you, I would love to hear, so tag me at Licensed and Unfiltered on Twitter, youtube or directly at our show's website. You can also download this worksheet here. We'll tag it down below.

Lina: 27:33

So for this episode, we added a this or that fun segment and if you like it, let us know so we can continue. It's called this or that. So it's the relationship edition segment, where I've taken two opposing positions of this problem from people most of us have heard of, starting with a singer. Some may recognize Elton John. This Okay, never go to bed angry. Resolve it now.

Lina: 28:08

Elton John and David Furnish, as well as Luke Bryan and Caroline Boyer, swear by the principle of resolving disagreements before bedtime. They believe that addressing issues promptly prevents resentment from building up. This is a quote from Elton John. We always make it a point to talk things through and never go to bed angry. It's about respect and ensuring nothing festers overnight that go to bed angry and deal with it in the morning. This is by relationship guru John Gottman. Okay, it's harder than you might think to find noteworthy people who advocate for going to bed mad, so I have two takes on this. One take is from Reddit and the other is from relationship guru John Gottman. So one of them is Tony Hale and his wife Martell Thompson believe that taking time apart during conflicts allows for clearer thinking. So a quote from Tony Hale and his wife Martel Thompson believe that taking time apart during conflicts allows for clearer thinking. So a quote from Tony Hale.

Lina: 29:11

We don't really follow the model of don't go to bed angry. Sometimes we go to bed angry. Having that space to start to think about what happened has been a beneficial habit in navigating conflict. And this is from Julie and John Gottman, renowned relationship experts. In their extensive research on marital stability, the Gottmans have found that forcing resolution late at night can be counterproductive. They suggest that it's natural and sometimes necessary to go to bed angry, allowing both partners to cool down and revisit the issue with a clearer mindset the next day. From Julie Gottman Of course we're going to go to bed angry. What happens if you have a fight late at night and then you realize you have no reserves left to really talk about it. You go to bed angry and hopefully get to sleep at a reasonable hour angry and hopefully get to sleep at a reasonable hour.

Lina: 30:12

Okay, so let's talk about something that gets wildly misunderstood in modern relationships the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum. These might sound similar, they might even feel similar when you're setting one, but they come from two very different places and they serve very different purposes. We're going to talk about the difference between real boundaries versus emotional blackmail. Boundaries protect and ultimatums control. So here's the core difference.

Lina: 30:47

A boundary is about what you will do to protect your emotional, physical or mental well-being. They're based on values. An ultimatum is about what someone else must do to avoid consequences you've already decided. Think of it this way Boundaries offer a choice, while ultimatums remove choice. Boundaries say here's what I need to feel safe and respected. If that doesn't happen, here's what I'll do.

Lina: 31:21

Ultimatums say do this or else. Here's a real life contrast. I'm going to give you an ultimatum disguised as a boundary. If you don't stop texting your ex, I'm leaving you the real boundary. I don't feel emotionally safe in a relationship where there's ongoing communication with an ex that continues. I'll need to step away to protect my peace. See the difference. One demands change from the other person. The other centers your own agency and what you'll do if your needs aren't respected.

Lina: 32:03

Think of boundaries like a fence around your garden. They mark your space, your emotional property line. They say this is where my piece lives, please don't step on it. But they don't climb into your neighbor's yard and start rearranging their patio furniture. Ultimatums, on the other hand, are like building a giant wall with barbed wire and a list of rules taped to the gate.

Lina: 32:32

People often disguise control as a boundary because they're afraid of being hurt or abandoned. But control doesn't equal safety. It often leads to resentment, withdrawal or emotional manipulation. If a boundary is making someone feel powerless, fearful or boxed in, it might be worth re-examining whether it's actually about protection or control. Here's a pro tip Before setting a boundary, ask yourself is this about me and my needs or about changing someone else's behavior? Am I offering space for dialogue or just issuing a demand? Could I follow through on this boundary without needing them to change? If you can't answer yes to all three, you might be leaning more toward emotional blackmail than a healthy boundary. A key takeaway. A key takeaway Boundaries come from self-respect. Ultimatums come from fear. The goal isn't to control others, it's to care for yourself. So next time you're drawing a line, make sure it's a fence, not a trap.

Lina: 33:42

If you take nothing else from this episode, take this Learn before you label. Why does it matter? We've all heard the phrase words have power. But let's take it one step further. Words only have power when we actually understand them. Otherwise, we're not communicating, we're planting confusion or, worse, we're harming people we care about by assigning them labels that don't belong to them.

Lina: 34:32

The difference between diagnosis versus dialogue is that it becomes far too easy to throw out heavy terms like gaslighting, narcissist, abuse, trauma, bonding, toxic, when what we really mean is I feel unheard, I'm confused and overwhelmed. That hurt me more than I expected. Slapping a clinical label on someone doesn't make you empowered and doesn't make you smarter than them. It often just makes you disconnected. Here's a real life example. He was emotionally abusive versus. That relationship made me feel small, anxious and like I couldn't speak up.

Lina: 35:03

The first one is a loaded claim. The first one is a loaded claim. The second one that's your actual truth. That's where healing starts. Don't focus so much on labeling the person that has hurt you. Focus on the hurt and what that hurt actually means. Here's a pro tip Default to curiosity, not classification.

Lina: 35:34

Before you label someone, ask yourself do I really understand what this term means? Have I seen a consistent pattern or am I reacting to one painful moment? Seen a consistent pattern or am I reacting to one painful moment? Is this helping me understand the situation or giving me permission to avoid it? If the answer isn't clear, pause, reflect, learn more, then speak. Education is the real empowerment, not buzzwords. The more we know, the more compassion we can offer, not just to ourselves but to others and to the messy, often uncomfortable process of healing and growing. So, yes, use the words, use the tools, but use them with understanding, use them with compassion, use them with empathy, not as armor, not as weapons, and never, ever as a substitute for empathy.

Lina: 36:40

This week, before you call something toxic or someone narcissistic, ask yourself do I understand what I'm saying or just how it feels? Do I understand what I'm saying or does it feel like the word narcissist or gaslighting? Try having one tough conversation this week without using therapy buzzwords. Ask yourself is this helping me express or helping me escape? Okay, so have you ever caught yourself using a therapy term and realized later it wasn't the right fit.

Lina: 37:32

I want you guys to respond to this question. I want you to share that moment and what you learned from it, and please go visit our website, wwwlicensedandunfilteredcom. Licensed and Unfiltered is our YouTube channel. Again, the question is have you ever caught yourself using a therapy term and realized later it wasn't the right fit? Later it wasn't the right fit? I want you to not only just share that moment and what you learned from it, but, after hearing this podcast and what these terms actually mean, I want you to reflect on this question and respond by understanding what all of these words mean. Okay, thank you guys so much for listening to today's podcast. I so appreciate all of your support and love you guys so much. If you liked today's episode, please let me know in the comments, and I would love to do more like this. Also, let me know if there's any other topics you want me to talk about and break down for you. This one was called therapy. Speak is ruining relationships when boundaries become control. Thank you so much again. Bye.