Your Self-Doubt Isn’t Yours — It Was Given to You

Have you ever noticed that nagging voice in your head telling you you're not good enough? That critical inner dialogue isn't just causing personal distress – it's actively shaping your relationships in ways you might not realize. This revealing exploration uncovers how our self-doubt becomes the invisible scriptwriter for our love stories.

Drawing from attachment theory, we dive into how childhood experiences form the foundation of our adult relationship patterns. Those conditional love messages from caregivers or early experiences of rejection don't just fade away – they transform into attachment styles that determine how we connect with partners. Whether you're anxiously seeking reassurance or avoidantly maintaining emotional distance, that "not good enough" feeling manifests in predictable relationship behaviors.

What makes this journey so powerful is recognizing the difference between the harsh generalizations of your inner critic and the reality of your relationship. Are you over-functioning as a people-pleaser or under-functioning as a withdrawer? Are you sabotaging connections because rejection feels safer when you control it? Most importantly, are you mistaking patterns of fear for expressions of love?

The pathway to healing isn't about silencing every insecure thought, but rather about stopping them from driving your relationship choices. Through practical strategies like naming your inner critic, creating relationship check-ins, and building rituals of safety, you can begin rewriting your worth narrative. Remember that a healthy partner can hold space for your journey without being responsible for fixing your worth.

Your worth doesn't need proof. You aren't loved because you've earned it through being "enough" – you're loved because you're human. The goal isn't relationship perfection but genuine connection. What patterns are you calling love that are really fear in disguise? Share your experiences in the comments and join us next time as we continue exploring the intersection of self-worth and relationships.

Chapters

• 0:00 The Voice of "Not Good Enough"
• 2:28 Understanding Attachment Theory in Relationships
• 4:59 How Self-Doubt Sabotages Your Connections
• 7:24 Over-functioning vs. Under-functioning Partners
• 9:04 Recognizing Your Inner Critic
• 11:45 Practical Tips for Building Self-Worth
• 14:25 Final Thoughts on Embracing Your Value

Transcript

Lina: 0:02

What if the voice in your head saying you're not good enough isn't telling the truth, but writing your relationship story anyway? Your self-doubt isn't just personal, it's relational. It doesn't live in your head, it shows up in your love life. Where does I'm not good enough come from? Where does I'm not good enough come from? The feeling of I'm not good enough is a common, universal and pervasive sentiment that many individuals experience at various points in their lives, such as parental expectations in comparisons with peers, societal influences such as media representation and cultural norms, negative self-talk, such as cognitive distortions and perfectionism, past failures or rejections, such as experiencing failure or traumatic experiences, and mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. Children often internalize the expectations set by parents or caregivers, leading to feelings of inadequacy if they perceive they are not meeting those expectations. Did your parents ever make you feel like their love was conditional that if you did exactly as you were told, only then were you good enough or worthy of love? Trauma and perfectionism can be roots of chronic self-doubt. Trauma or bullying can significantly impact self-esteem and lead to feelings of worthlessness. The belief that one must be perfect can lead to chronic feelings of not being good enough when perfection is not achieved. What is perfectionism? In this recent training I took that covered this very topic. One of the therapists discussed how he accomplished showing his patients how being perfect is unattainable, and that's okay. He wanted to provide them a different perspective on what perfectionism means to them. He asked his patients to take the perfect shower. Sounds almost too simple, right, but what he found is that his patients would actually really struggle to identify what the perfect shower looked like and instead they would focus on how the shower would feel and not them being evaluated on how the shower would feel and not them being evaluated on taking the perfect shower. Let's talk attachment theory for a minute. Attachment theory hypothesized that the bounds formed between a child and their primary caregiver significantly influence emotional and relational development throughout life.

Lina: 2:46

Secure attachment is characterized by comfort with intimacy and a healthy balance of independence and dependence in relationships. Individuals with secure attachments typically have a positive view of themselves and their partners, leading to higher self-worth in romantic relationships. Insecure attachment consists of both anxious attachment and avoidant attachment styles. Anxious attachment individuals often seek high levels of intimacy and approval, fearing abandonment. They may have a negative view of themselves but a positive view of others. This can lead to feelings of unworthiness when their partner does not provide constant reassurance or when conflicts arise. This attachment style can lead individuals to develop negative self-concepts. For example, someone with an anxious attachment may feel unworthy of love unless they constantly seek validation. Insecurely attached individuals often have heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection or criticism, which can reinforce feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness in romantic relationships. They can also become over-dependent on their partners for validation, which can create tension and lead to cycles of reassurance seeking and conflict. Avoidant attachment consists of individuals who tend to distance themselves emotionally from partners, valuing independence over intimacy. They often have a positive view of themselves but a negative view of others. Their sense of self-worth may be contingent upon maintaining emotional distance, leading to difficulties in forming deep connections and feelings of unworthiness when intimacy is required. Someone with an avoidant attachment may struggle to feel deserving of love due to their fear of vulnerability. Avoidantly attached individuals may unintentionally push partners away, leading to feelings of loneliness and further reinforcing their sense of unworthiness. Before you blame your partner or yourself, ask where that voice came from first, how it shows up in relationships.

Lina: 4:59

The feeling of never good enough can significantly impact relationships, particularly when it manifests as a need for constant reassurance or emotional dependence. Seeking constant reassurance from your partner can lead to insecurity in the relationship. Frequent validation requests impact on your partner and a cycle of insecurity. Emotional dependence can lead to fear of abandonment, neglecting personal needs, avoidance of conflict and diminished sense of self. Some individuals may rely too heavily on their partner for emotional support, happiness and a sense of self-worth. This creates codependence within a relationship. Long-term consequences of these can be strained relationships and a cycle of anxiety and resentment. Partners providing reassurance may feel their own needs are being neglected, leading to resentment. Conversely, the individual seeking reassurance may feel perpetually anxious and unfulfilled. Anxious and unfulfilled. Another struggle with the never good enough concept is self-sabotage due to fear of abandonment or rejection. I call this the control mechanism. I won't allow you to get close enough to hurt me, and if anyone is getting hurt, it's you. This includes withdrawing emotionally, creating conflict, constantly questioning the relationship, catastrophizing, avoiding open communication, holding back affection, testing commitment, playing hot and cold, undermining positive experiences, rushing into relationships and creating the outcomes you may fear.

Lina: 6:34

When it comes to the never good enough feeling, there are two categories of people the over-functioning person and the under-functioning person. Over-functioning person, aka people pleaser, could show up in the following ways Excessive caretaking, difficulty saying no, seeking approval, avoiding conflict, neglecting self-care and, ultimately, feeling resentful. The under-functioning person, aka the withdrawer, could show up in the following ways Emotional withdrawal, avoiding responsibility, fear of intimacy, low self-esteem, rationalizing distance and increased anxiety. Distance and increased anxiety. Pro tip ask yourself do I want connection or confirmation of my worst belief? Here's a fun segment for you Reddit or forget it. The Reddit post is relationships. The question I never feel good enough for my partner and I think I'm pushing them away. What do I do? The top comment is maybe you're just with the wrong person. My take forget it. You can't outsource self-worth to someone else's opinion or comment section.

Lina: 8:01

Rewriting the narrative, identifying when the inner critic is speaking versus when your partner is communicating, can be challenging, especially for individuals who struggle with insecurity or self-doubt. Here are several strategies and signs that can help distinguish between the two. Recognize the voice of your inner critic. Your inner critic often uses harsh, judgmental language that diminishes self-worth. Phrases like you're not good enough, you'll never succeed or you always mess things up are common indicators. Your inner critic may make sweeping generalizations about yourself, such as I am a failure or I am unlovable, rather than addressing specific behaviors or situations. Your inner critic often stems from fear of rejection or inadequacy, leading to anxious thoughts that may not reflect reality.

Lina: 8:58

Evaluate the context of the communication. Consider whether the feedback is coming from your partner's perspective or if it's a reaction to your own insecurities. If you're feeling defensive or overly sensitive, it may be your inner critic reacting than responding to your partner's words. Your partner's comments are often more specific and constructive, let's hope, focusing on particular behaviors or situations rather than generalizations about your character. Assess your emotional responses, such as feelings of shame or guilt, or feelings of support or understanding. Seek clarification from your partner as well. What's wrong with that? Seek clarification from your partner as well. What's wrong with that? This fosters open communication and the ability to express your feelings, in turn building emotional safety and trust.

Lina: 9:53

What about reframing the thought of I'm not good enough into I'm afraid of not being loved? Practice self-compassion. Speak to yourself like you would a best friend. Sometimes, dishing out compliments and compassion to others is so much easier than doing it for ourselves. Why is this? I think sometimes it simply boils down to us feeling undeserving of kindness, so, in turn, we forget to extend that little bit of kindness we have reserved for other people to ourselves.

Lina: 10:27

Journaling prompt. What evidence do I have that I'm not enough and what contradicts it? Try writing about that. Here are some examples A client who always panicked after arguments, assuming their partner would leave Insight. Their fear wasn't about the partner, it was about abandonment from childhood. Pro tip Before reacting, pause and ask is this a now fear or an old fear? Mini reflection moment what patterns am I calling love that are really fear in disguise? Takeaway Healing begins when you stop arguing with your worth and start protecting it.

Lina: 11:23

Practical tips for everyday awareness Name your inner critic and externalize it. Oh, that's just sabotage. Sally talking again, or doubtful Debbie or worried Wanda Might as well make it fun. Use relationship check-ins weekly to reduce fear-based assumptions. We often forget to ask our partners and just assume we know what they're thinking. Something to remember Assumptions are not based in fact. Assuming is our insecurity talking. Build rituals of safety. Scheduled affirmations, post-conflict rituals, grounding exercises these are all really good ways to create a safety net for yourself in your relationship. Takeaway you can't silence every insecure thought, but you can stop letting them drive the car. Invite your partner into your healing journey without making them responsible for fixing it. Celebrate small wins and moments of courage. Normalize therapy and support as tools, not last resorts. Pro tip A healthy partner will hold space, but they can't hold your worth.

Lina: 12:47

Takeaway Healing in relationships happens when self-worth is a two-way street Seen affirmed and protected. Here's a fun segment, this or that. This Telling your partner every single doubt that, keeping all your insecurities hidden. My take Neither Share your truth, but take ownership of it first. Ownership of it first. Boundaries with your inner critic. Set limits, no shame spirals before bed, after arguments or in moments of celebration. Create a no-fly zone list for recurring negative self-talk moments.

Lina: 13:47

Takeaway you get to choose whose voice has the final say your past or your present? Your worth doesn't need proof. You don't earn love by being enough. You are loved because you are human. The goal isn't perfection, it's connection. Before you say I'm not enough, ask yourself would I ever say this to someone I love? Where does your not enough voice come from and what does it need to hear?

Lina: 14:24

Instead, as we wrap up today's episode, remember that the feeling of never good enough is something we all experience at some point in our lives. It's a universal struggle that can affect anyone, regardless of their background or achievements. It's important to acknowledge these emotions and understand that they do not define your worth. By recognizing the voice of your inner critic, you can learn to quiet those harsh judgments and replace them with compassion and understanding. Remember, it's okay to seek support and to give yourself grace. Together, we can navigate these feelings and empower ourselves to embrace our true value. Thank you for joining me today and I look forward to connecting with you in our next episode. If there's anything you'd like me to expand upon, please leave those thoughts in the comments and I'd be happy to do that.