Are You Being Lied To About Having a Successful Relationship With Someone With an Addiction?

🎙️ Episode Title: Are you being lied to about having a successful relationship with someone with an addiction? 

📝 Episode Description:

This episode of Licensed and Unfiltered dives into the raw and rarely spoken realities of addiction — from the pain and confusion it brings to the people we love, to the internal battles we often hide.

Lina shares personal and clinical reflections on addiction, healing, and what it means to hold space for others while honoring your own mental health. Whether you're a clinician, a loved one, or someone in the thick of recovery, this conversation is for you.

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💙 Resources for Addiction Support

Veteran-Specific Resources:

• Veterans Crisis Line (24/7): Dial 988, then press 1
  Website: https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/
• VA Substance Use Treatment Programs: https://www.va.gov/health-care/health-needs-conditions/substance-use-problems/
• Vet Center Programs (free counseling for combat veterans & families): https://www.vetcenter.va.gov/

Civilian Addiction & Recovery Resources:

• SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
   Website: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
• Al-Anon Family Groups (support for loved ones of those with addiction): https://al-anon.org/
• SMART Recovery (science-based addiction support): https://www.smartrecovery.org/
• Recovery.org (rehab locator and resources): https://www.recovery.org/

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Special thanks to our sponsor, Therapedia, for making this podcast possible.

Chapters

• 0:00 Episode Introduction & Trigger Warning
• 3:17 Addiction By The Numbers
• 4:46 Loving a Ghost: Relationship Dynamics
• 7:30 The Cycle of Hope and Hell
• 12:58 Can Love Stop Addiction?
• 14:33 Recognizing the Quiet Relapse
• 20:34 Boundaries and Self-Care Tools
• 24:40 Real Stories from Reddit
• 27:19 Internal Family Systems Therapy
• 30:33 When to Walk Away & Closing Thoughts

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Some days I look at him and see the man I fell in love with those clear eyes, that rare moment of honesty, like a brief breath before the storm. I want to believe him so badly it hurts. But other days he's gone, lost in something I can't reach, like a ghost who took my heart as a souvenir. I scream into silence, hoping someone, anyone, can hear me. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, check the show notes for support. You're not broken and you're not alone. For our fellow veterans we've also included links to veteran-specific resources that understand what you've been through, healing is possible. Hi, welcome back. Let me just preface this by saying that this one might be tough. Let me just preface this by saying that this one might be tough. I'm Lina, your licensed marriage and family therapist and honestly kind of like your personal therapist in your back pocket whenever life gets messy and you need a little guidance or just someone to talk to. And I'm here to keep things open and honest. But before we dive in, I want to offer a quick trigger warning. Today we're going to talk about addiction and how it impacts relationships the raw, the real and sometimes painful realities that come with loving someone who's struggling. If, at any point, you feel overwhelmed or triggered, please remember to pause, take care of yourself and reach out to someone you trust. This episode is meant to hold space, not to hurt. I'm here to talk about the things that most people are too ashamed to say out loud, and today we're talking about what it's really like to love someone who's addicted. Addiction doesn't just take person, it takes the air out of the relationship. You stop recognizing them, then you stop recognizing yourself. Maybe you're the fixer, the ride or die, the one holding the pieces together, or maybe you're just tired of broken promises, of tiptoeing, of hoping they'll choose you this time. I want to say this now If you're in it, if you're drowning in it, you are not crazy, you are not weak and you are definitely not alone. This episode isn't here to shame anyone, because addiction is real and recovery is hard, but so is staying in a relationship where you're slowly disappearing. We're going to talk honestly, we're going to name the patterns and we're going to talk about what love really looks like when addiction is in the room. Welcome to Licensed and Unfiltered. This episode is called Love, lies and Relapse.

Speaker 1: 3:17

Segment 1. Addiction by the Numbers. Let's ground this in reality, addiction is not some niche problem hiding in dark alleys. It's everywhere. Here are some stats to make that crystal clear. Over 46 million Americans met the criteria for a substance use disorder in 2021. Of those, only 6% received treatment.

Speaker 1: 3:49

Addiction affects one in three households in the US, but behind those numbers are relationships, marriages, partnerships, families slowly unraveling. Consider this One in five couples report that substance use has severely harmed their relationship. 72% of partners of those struggling with addiction report emotional distress, like anxiety, depression and trauma symptoms. Nearly 40% report feeling lonely, isolated, ashamed and trapped, because addiction doesn't just break trust. It breaks connection. It replaces we with.

Speaker 1: 4:39

Why am I doing this alone? Living with a ghost? Why am I doing this alone? Living with a ghost? Being in a relationship with someone who's addicted often feels like loving a ghost. They're there, but they're not there. You become their alarm clock, their emotional regulator, their excuse maker, their entire emergency contact list. You morph into therapist, parent, probation officer and, occasionally, punching bag, emotionally or otherwise. Witty hot take. You know things are bad when Google starts auto-filling your searches with how to tell if someone is high, can I get PTSD from dating and how to love someone without losing yourself. Spoiler alert you can't love someone else into sobriety, but we'll get there. Let's also be real.

Speaker 1: 5:50

Sober is not the same as healed. Being sober just means they're not actively using. It doesn't mean they're emotionally available, self-aware or ready to build a healthy relationship. Someone in early recovery is still dealing with massive emotional dysregulation, past trauma, shame and withdrawal from not just the substance but the entire lifestyle. It's like learning to live without their emotional crutch while walking through a minefield. If you got together when they were using and they do get sober, guess what? That's a whole new relationship, one that includes triggers, new boundaries, support group meetings, possible relapses and a whole lot of emotional heavy lifting that they have to do on their own. Your job is to support without losing yourself in their process. So you may be living with a ghost, but are you becoming a shell of who you once were?

Speaker 1: 6:59

When someone else is fading in and out of their own life, it's dangerously easy to disappear from yours. You stop laughing, you stop calling your friends, you stop being you. You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You are allowed to take up space in your own story, even when someone you love is spiraling through theirs the Cycle of Hope in Hell. When you're in love with someone who's battling addiction, your life often becomes a cycle, a loop of hope, heartbreak and hanging on, and it's exhausting. Here's what that cycle can look like in real life. One the high of hope. What it is. Your partner seems stable. Maybe they've promised to quit. Maybe they just got sober. Maybe they're saying all the right things. What it looks like they're cooking dinner again. They apologized. They cry. They swore this was it. They looked you in the eye and said you're the reason I want to change. And for a minute you let yourself believe them.

Speaker 1: 8:30

Two the slow fade. What it is. Little things start slipping. They cancel plans. You feel them pulling away. They get more irritable or suspiciously. Fine. What it looks like they're on their phone more. They come home later. They're distant. During dinner. You ask how they're doing and they snap why are you always on my back? Something feels off, but you can't prove it, so you gaslight yourself.

Speaker 1: 9:10

Three the fall of relapse. What it is. They've used again. Maybe once, maybe for a week, maybe it never really stopped. What it looks like. You find empty bottles again. They disappear for hours. They admit it only when you catch them. Or worse, they lie while looking you straight in the face.

Speaker 1: 9:46

Number four the fallout. What it is. Emotions explode, guilt, rage, panic Maybe they sob, maybe you sob, maybe both. What it looks like you cry in the shower so your kids don't hear. They swear they'll go to rehab tomorrow. You Google therapists and hide vodka bottles while shaking. You wonder if this is rock bottom for you or for them. The rebuilds. This is number five. What it is? The honeymoon after hell. They get clean for now. You go to a meeting. Things feel hopeful again. What it looks like. You start tracking sober days. You sleep again lightly. They make breakfast and say thank you for not giving up on me. You want to believe them, so you do. And then the cycle begins again. This isn't just an addiction cycle. It's love on life, support and if you're in, it just want you to know you are not crazy, you are not broken. You are surviving a storm you didn't cause.

Speaker 1: 11:28

Before we dive deeper into the cycle of hope and heartbreak, I want to share something real. This is the voice of someone who's living the day-to-day reality of loving an addict, the moments that don't make it to the highlight reel. It's raw, it's honest, it's the kind of truth that doesn't come with easy answers. Listen close. Some days I look at him and see the man I fell in love with those clear eyes, that rare moment of honesty, like a brief breath before the storm. I want to believe him so badly it hurts. But other days he's gone, lost in something I can't reach, like a ghost who took my heart as a souvenir. I scream into silence, hoping someone, anyone can hear me. I want to fix him, I want to save us, but mostly I'm just trying to find myself in the wreckage, because loving him feels like drowning and I don't even remember what it's like to breathe. If that hit home, know that it's okay to feel overwhelmed. This journey is one of the hardest anyone can walk through Up.

Speaker 1: 13:06

Next we'll talk about the sad reality about love and addiction. If they loved me enough, they'd stop. If they loved me enough, they'd stop. Let's talk about one of the most hurt-breaking beliefs I hear all the time If he loved me enough, he'd stop. Here's the truth, mom.

Speaker 1: 13:33

Addiction is not a love problem. It's a brain problem. Love might inspire change, but it doesn't create it. Recovery doesn't stick because someone else wants it to. It sticks when they want it to. Here's why the reward center of the brain. Over time, the brain prioritizes the substance over love, food security and even survival. It's not about not loving you enough. It's about a brain that's stuck in a loop of needing to feel okay, even if that means hurting you in the process. It doesn't make the pain less valid. It just helps you stop taking it personally.

Speaker 1: 14:29

The quiet relapse when they don't say it, but you feel it. Relapse doesn't always come with a dramatic confession or an ambulance ride. Sometimes it sneaks in quietly, disguised as mood swings, missed calls or excuses that don't quite add up. Not every relapse looks like rock bottom. Sometimes it looks like suddenly needing a lot of alone time, reverting to secrecy, locked doors, vague plans, disappearing acts, shifts in sleep patterns or energy, like being up all night or sleeping all day, money going missing, unexpected expenses or financial chaos, emotional volatility, angry, paranoid, distant or oddly euphoric, avoidance of accountability, therapy or meetings. And the classic I've just been stressed lately on repeat. I've just been stressed lately on repeat. And maybe the biggest red flag of all your gut is screaming but your brain is trying to justify Because when you love someone, you want to believe they're okay, you don't want to accuse, you don't want to push them away.

Speaker 1: 15:57

You hope it's just a rough patch. Until it's not. Here's the truth. People often relapse emotionally before they ever pick it up again. That means they stop using their tools. They isolate, they numb, they slide back into denial and you can feel the shift, even if they never say a word.

Speaker 1: 16:23

Empathetic reminder If this is where you are feeling like you're tiptoeing around the truth, it's okay to name it. You can ask questions without accusations. You can protect your peace without punishing theirs. And if they have relapsed, it's not a betrayal of you. It's a symptom of a disease they haven't fully come to terms with. But your boundaries, your clarity, that's your oxygen mask, witty, hot take.

Speaker 1: 17:01

Relapse is like that shady ex who pops up in your DMs with hey, just checking in. You know it's bad news, but part of you still wants to hope for the best. Boiler alert Hope without boundaries is just emotional gambling, the lies we tell ourselves. We lie to ourselves when we love someone with addiction, Not because we're naive, but because we're human and hopeful. Here are a few crowd favorites it's just weed. Everyone smokes. He only drinks when he's stressed. They're good. Most of the time I can fix them Spoiler. You are not a human rehab center. You are not responsible for anyone else's recovery. You can love someone deeply and still not be the one to save them.

Speaker 1: 18:17

One thing I want to emphasize here is the idea of rock bottom. Recovery often starts with hitting that point, a moment or series of moments so painful, so undeniable, that change becomes a must. But here's the truth. Everyone's rock bottom looks different. For some it's a near-death experience. For others it might be losing a job, a relationship or even just a deep, soul-crushing loneliness. There's no one-size-fits-all and it's not about judgment or comparison. It's about the person realizing enough is enough and deciding finally to choose recovery. And if you're listening and haven't found your rock bottom yet, that's okay. It doesn't mean you won't and it doesn't mean you're not trying hard enough.

Speaker 1: 19:18

The Power of detachment let's talk about detachment with love, not detachment as in cold and numb, but detachment as in I love you, but I will no longer bleed for you. When you're partnered with someone in active addiction, it's common to feel lonely, even in the same room, ashamed because no one sees what's really happening, and guilty for wanting peace or for thinking about leaving. But you are not alone leaving, but you are not alone. You're not selfish for wanting safety. You're not cruel for wanting space. You're not weak for asking for help. Groups like Al-Anon and Therapy4U can be game changers. You don't have to do this solo, and sometimes Detachment is the most loving thing you can do for them and for you.

Speaker 1: 20:32

Boundaries or bust. In this segment, I will be offering some tools and tips for managing love and addiction. I will state the idea, then the tool and then the tip. Let's dive in One setting boundaries without guilt. Tool use I statements to communicate feelings and needs clearly. For example, I feel worried when you don't answer my calls. Tip remember boundaries. Protect you, not punish them. They keep the relationship healthier. In fact, boundaries are an essential piece of any relationship. You can't have a sustainable relationship without them.

Speaker 1: 21:28

Two self-care rituals for partners Tool daily mindfulness or grounding exercises, even five minutes a day. Apps like Headspace or Calm may be helpful for this. Apps like Headspace or Calm may be helpful for this. Tip schedule me time as non-negotiable. You're not selfish for needing space. Three educational resources Tool there are books or websites that you can go to, like Codependent no More by Melody Beatty. Facing Codependence by Pia Melody. And then there's the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website called SAMHSA. Tip Administration website called SAMHSA. Tip learning about addiction and codependency helps reduce shame and confusion. Four support groups Tool encourage friends, family, people you know, partners to check out groups like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, designed specifically for families and loved ones of addicts. Tip being around others who get it can break isolation and provide practical advice.

Speaker 1: 23:03

Number five crisis plans Tool. Create a personal safety or crisis plan if things escalate, so know who to call and identify safe places to go. Tip having a plan can reduce panic and increase feelings of control. Six Therapy options Okay, so the tool is, you know, individual therapy for yourself, for yourself, for your partner, couples therapy once both of you are ready, or specialized addiction counseling. Tip therapy is a safe space to unpack complex feelings and develop coping strategies. Seven signs and tools for spotting relapse Tool Keep a journal to track changes in behavior or mood that could signal relapse. Tip Approach observations without accusation. Focus on patterns, not blame.

Speaker 1: 24:40

Here's where I highlight some real-life examples from Reddit and provide my honest opinion. My boyfriend and I are in a happy relationship and he's a recovered addict. He is still an addict, but he has been sober for 532 days and I couldn't be more proud of him. So, on the one hand, even after nearly a year and a half sober, she still acknowledges the ongoing nature of addiction. On the other, even though recovery can be a constant journey, it doesn't have to define you. Any relationship can thrive, but only when defined by boundaries and ongoing support.

Speaker 1: 25:28

Next one Hubby was less than a year sober when we met nearly eight years clean when he relapsed. Living with a loving partner and kids Won't keep an addict clean. Her story is a gut punch. You can support recovery, but love alone doesn't guarantee it. Love shouldn't be your only lifeline. Okay, next one Throw away account because my partner is on here. We've lived together for two years. I have told him before how uncomfortable his usage makes me Binge usage. He drinks half a 750 milliliter bottle of vodka a night.

Speaker 1: 26:20

This case pulls no punches. The shame, the hurt, the awkwardness of living with someone whose addiction was hidden until moving in. It's real, brutal and heartbreaking. Okay. Last one I met my boyfriend when he was one month sober. Now almost five months clean. He still lives with his parents. He feels broken forever or that relapse is inevitable. This one is another powerful reminder. Early recovery is fragile. It's emotional waterboarding. Partners often feel helpless, but simply being there can be what makes or breaks it.

Speaker 1: 27:19

Therapy Talk who's driving the bus? Intro to Internal Family Systems. Let's talk therapy Specifically a powerful model called Internal Family Systems, or IFS for short. Now don't let the name fool you. This isn't about your in-laws or childhood group texts.

Speaker 1: 27:46

Ifs is about you and all the different parts of you, the idea we are not just one self, we're a whole internal crew, a cast of characters, a messy little internal family. You've got parts of you that want to fix everything, want to run away, want to scream into a pillow, want to pretend everything's fine when it very much is not. Want to love the addict, want to leave the addict, want to leave the addict. Witty metaphor IFS is like realizing your inner world is a full-blown reality show with different cast members competing for airtime. Some are dramatic, some are avoidant, some are just here for snacks and survival. And the goal Not to fire them all, but to get to know them, understand them, help them, trust that your core self, the calm, compassionate, curious you is actually the one driving the damn bus.

Speaker 1: 29:07

So how does this help in addiction-related relationships? Well, when you're in chaos, it's easy to let your protector parts take over the fixer, the appeaser, the one who's scanning for danger 24-7. Or maybe the numb one who says this is fine while your soul is burning. Ifs invites you to slow down and say hey, what part of me is speaking right now and what does it need? Maybe there's a young part of you that equates love with rescuing. Maybe there's a wounded part that fears abandonment so deeply it tolerates chaos just to avoid being alone. Ifs doesn't blame you. It brings compassion. It says there is a reason you do what you do. Let's meet that reason with kindness.

Speaker 1: 30:10

Takeaway. When you can separate your parts from yourself, you get clarity. When you get clarity, you stop reacting and start choosing. And when you start choosing, you get your power back when to walk away. So when do you leave? Here's your gut check Are you safe, emotionally, physically, financially? Are they actively working on their recovery? Are you still you or have you vanished, trying to keep them afloat? Leaving isn't giving up. Sometimes it's the most courageous thing you can do. And staying doesn't make you loyal. It might just mean you're stuck. You are allowed to want more. You are allowed to walk toward peace.

Speaker 1: 31:20

Bad advice of the week If you just love them harder, they'll stop using yes, because clearly your unmatched affection will magically overpower heroin. Nope, that's not how any of this works. You're not a wizard, you're not a treatment plan. You're a person, a human being, who deserves healthy love and also eight hours of sleep. So if you're still listening, thank you. Whether you're in the thick of it or you've come out the other side, your story matters.

Speaker 1: 32:04

This episode is for the exhausted, the hopeful, the ones who still believe love can heal anything and are learning that sometimes love also knows when to let go. You are not broken for being in this. You are not weak for wanting out. You are not alone. And if you're the one struggling with addiction, this isn't judgment, it's a hand extended. You're still worthy, you're still loved and your healing it's possible and needed. It's possible and need it. That's it for today on Licensed and Unfiltered. If this episode hit home or hit a nerve, share it with someone who needs it and remember boundaries are hot, clarity is sexy and chaos is not your birthright. Until next time, keep it real and keep it unfiltered.