Permission to Want: Dismantling the Madonna-Whore Complex

Sex. Just reading that word might make your palms sweat or trigger your inner middle schooler to blush. But why? In a world saturated with sexualized images, why do so many women still feel profound shame about their desires, bodies, and pleasure?

This episode tears down the walls of sexual shame, exposing the systems that taught us to silence our needs, question our worth, and disconnect from our bodies. We unpack how inadequate sex education, religious purity culture, and the Madonna-Whore Complex work together to create a perfect storm of confusion and guilt around female sexuality. These aren't just abstract concepts—they're the root causes behind why 60% of women under 35 feel embarrassed about their sexual desires.

We dive deep into the pleasure gap (men orgasm 95% of the time in heterosexual encounters while women reach climax only 65% of the time), the myth of "low libido" women (who often just experience desire differently), and how trauma, childbirth, and relationship dynamics affect our relationship with sex. Through therapeutic frameworks and practical advice, we explore how to close these gaps, communicate needs, and reclaim pleasure without performance pressure.

Whether you're struggling with disconnection from your body, confusion about your desires, or shame about your sexual history, this episode offers something revolutionary: permission. Permission to want, to not want, to explore, to heal, and to come home to your body at your own pace. Because you weren't born feeling shame about sex—you were taught it. And what's learned can be unlearned.

Ready to shake off the shame and reclaim your sexuality on your own terms? Listen now, and remember: your body isn't broken. The system is.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Sex and Shame: An Introduction
• 4:27 Sex Education vs. Shame Education
• 10:50 The Madonna-Whore Complex Explained
• 17:57 Understanding the Pleasure Gap
• 26:34 Ending Sexual Performance Pressure
• 32:52 Men, Connection, and Desire Differences
• 39:20 Healing Sexual Trauma and Disconnection
• 44:37 Reconnecting With Your Body
• 49:24 Sex After Childbirth: The Hidden Reality

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:05

let's just say it sex. Are your palms sweating, yet is your inner middle schooler blushing? Don't worry, you're not alone. Somehow, in the year 2025, we still live in a world where women are expected to be sexually available but not too available, where you're praised for being a good girl and punished the second you admit you've enjoyed anything other than missionary, with the lights off. We've been handed a rule book we never agreed to one that says curiosity is dirty, pleasure is shameful and if you talk about sex you must be damaged, desperate or doing too much. But here's the thing Sex isn't dirty. Shame is.

Speaker 1: 0:56

In this episode of Licensed and Unfiltered, we're diving into the shame women carry about sex where it starts, why it's so damn sticky and what it takes to shake it off. Spoiler it's not you, it's the system. So if you've ever felt weird about wanting sex, not wanting sex, faking orgasms, googling things, you were too afraid to ask or wondering if you're broken, you're exactly who this episode is for. Let's go there Unfiltered, unapologetic and maybe a little TMI Sex ed or shame ed. Let's talk about how most of us learned about sex Through a terrified gym teacher, a banana and a VHS tape that looked like it was filmed in 1983. And that's if we were lucky.

Speaker 1: 1:54

In the US, only 29 states are required to teach sex education and out of those, only 18 require that the information be medically accurate, which begs the question what the hell are the rest of them teaching Astrology and abstinence? According to a 2023 report from the Guttmacher Institute, over 40% of students receive abstinence-only sex education. Of students receive abstinence-only sex education. That means no real talk about consent, pleasure, lgbtq plus identities or even how our bodies actually work. Just don't do it. But if you do, don't tell us. And also, it's probably your fault. It's probably your fault. And for girls, oh, the message is layered Protect your virginity, dress modestly, don't tempt the boys. Translation your body is dangerous, your sexuality is a liability and if anything goes wrong, you're to blame. You know what that creates Women who enter adulthood thinking they're broken if they want sex and still broken if they don't. One study from Planned Parenthood found that 60% of women under 35 said they felt ashamed or embarrassed about their sexual desires desires 60%. That's not a personal issue, that's a systemic one. And let's not even talk about pleasure, because, guess what? Most sex ed curricula never even mention the clitoris. It's the Voldemort of anatomy, he who must not be named. So we grow up thinking sex is something done to us, not for us or even with us. No wonder so many women struggle with desire, communication or even knowing what turns them on. But you know what's wild? The moment you give a woman permission to unlearn that shame, her whole relationship to sex and herself can change. Because it turns out, when we stop teaching fear, guilt and silence, what's left is curiosity, connection and confidence. Imagine that Sex ed that actually includes women.

Speaker 1: 4:27

The Madonna Horror Complex Ah yes, the Madonna Horror Complex, also known as the emotional equivalent of a no-win situation, coined by Freud, because of course it was. The Madonna whore complex describes how women are placed into two impossible categories. You're either the pure, nurturing, sexless Madonna or the sexy, wild, desirable but morally bankrupt whore. No in-between, no nuance, just binary boxes and a whole lot of shame. You're supposed to be a lady in the streets, a freak in the sheets? Hell yeah. But God help you if anyone finds out about the second part. And this isn't just theory. This shows up everywhere In pop culture. Think Marilyn versus Jackie, beyonce versus Becky with the good hair. Even Taylor Swift had to go through her. You Belong With Me era to reclaim her sexuality In relationships.

Speaker 1: 5:33

How many women get labeled wifey material or just a hookup, based on how quickly or confidently they express desire? Research backs this up too. A 2020 study in sex roles found that men often perceive sexually assertive women as less competent, less trustworthy and less suitable for long-term relationships. So let's get this straight If we don't enjoy sex, we're frigid. If we do enjoy sex, we're sluts. If we initiate sex, we're aggressive. If we want emotional connection, we're clingy. Honestly, it's exhausting and the kicker.

Speaker 1: 6:18

Many women internalize this nonsense. We start policing ourselves, we silence our fantasies, we downplay our desire, we keep our number to ourselves like it's the nuclear code, Because deep down, we've been taught that our worth is tied to how well we fit into the role men assign us. But guess what? You don't owe anyone your innocence, your modesty or your sexual restraint. You don't have to be one or the other. You get to be fully both or neither. You can bake banana bread and ask for a spanking. You can be nurturing and naughty. You're not broken. You're just human. And if the system makes you feel like you have to choose between being respected and being fully embodied, the system is the problem, not you Purity culture, where shame got its halo.

Speaker 1: 7:18

If you grew up in a religious household conservative, evangelical, catholic, even mildly traditional chances are you were introduced to purity culture. You remember the silver rings, the true love wades, rallies, the message that your virginity was a gift for your husband. Translation your body doesn't belong to you. And purity wasn't just about abstaining from sex. It was about emotional purity, thought purity, clothing purity God forbid a bra strap show someone might sin because of you. And if you did have sex, willingly or not, you weren't just guilty, you were ruined used gum, a chewed-up piece of candy, a gift no longer worth giving. According to a 2019 Barna Group study, over 70% of women who participated in purity culture said they carried long-term shame about their sexuality. In purity culture said they carried long-term shame about their sexuality even into marriage. The wild thing is, many of these women saved sex for marriage and still felt ashamed during it.

Speaker 1: 8:39

I've worked with women who shut down sexually because they were taught their desire was dangerous. And I've worked with women who feel nothing during sex because they were never taught to feel anything. And here's the emotional damage no one talks about. Women in purity culture are told their value comes from their sexual restraint and yet, once married, they're expected to suddenly flip a switch and become sexual goddesses. That's not sexual empowerment, that's performance. And when it doesn't work they blame themselves. But if you're struggling it doesn't mean you're broken, it means you were programmed.

Speaker 1: 9:17

The good news Programming can be rewritten. Be rewritten the Therapy Room Confessional. Here's what I see in the therapy room Women who whisper. They whisper things like I've never had an orgasm. I fake it every time. I don't know how to ask for what I want. I don't know how to ask for what I want. I feel gross when I feel aroused. These aren't fringe cases, this is the norm.

Speaker 1: 9:51

Sex is supposed to be about connection and pleasure, but for many women it's about performance, anxiety and disconnection from their own bodies. Shame shows up as tension during intimacy, loss of desire, avoidance of physical touch, hyper-awareness of your body, mid-sex ie thinking about your stomach instead of the moment. And I'll say this loud and clear you can't heal what you feel too ashamed to talk about. That's why therapy matters. It's not about becoming some kind of sexual expert. It's about feeling safe in your own skin, sometimes for the first time ever. The goal isn't to fix your sex life, it's to reclaim it.

Speaker 1: 10:52

Men, women and the pleasure game. Let's talk about the wild reality that sex is not experienced equally, and I'm not just talking about orgasms, although, yes, we will get to that. Here's the deal. For heterosexual couples, sex often centers on male pleasure, not because men are selfish, but because we've all been conditioned to believe that male desire is normal, expected and linear, while female desire is mysterious, complicated and optional. But sex doesn't work the same way for everyone. Men tend to experience desire as more spontaneous, like a light switch. Women often experience it as responsive, more like a dimmer. That doesn't mean women are less sexual. It means we need different things to get in the mood. And yet most sexual experiences are modeled off of male desire Fast buildup, quick arousal, orgasm as the end goal. No wonder women are feeling disconnected. We're playing by rules that weren't made for us.

Speaker 1: 11:55

Here's a stat that says it all. According to the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, in heterosexual encounters, men orgasm 95% of the time, women Just 65%. That's called the pleasure gap. And that gap gets even wider if women feel pressure to perform, be low-maintenance or suppress their needs. Meanwhile, men are rarely ashamed for wanting sex. In fact, it's expected, they're praised for it. Their porn use is normalized, their exploration is encouraged. But when women express desire, they're called needy or slutty or too much. So we learn to minimize, to go along to fake it and somewhere in the mix we forget that sex is supposed to be mutual, collaborative, safe, not performative, not painful, not one-sided. That's why conversations about sex need to include gendered conditioning, because it's not just about anatomy, it's about the scripts we've been handed since puberty and the courage it takes to rewrite them Closing the Gap, rebalancing the Bedroom.

Speaker 1: 13:21

So now that we've named the pleasure gap, let's talk about what to do about it, because, if we're being honest, most people want better sex. They just don't know how to talk about it without things getting awkward, defensive or shut down completely. Here's the secret sauce Pleasure isn't about performance, it's about presence. So how do we close the gap? Here's where to start. 1. Slow it down. Men are often aroused faster Not always, but commonly Women's arousal tends to take longer and is not always in sync with their mental desire. That means foreplay isn't optional, it's essential, and not just for three minutes while Netflix loads. 2. Make pleasure the goal, not orgasm. If the only goal is climax, it becomes a race. If the only goal is climax, it becomes a race. But when we focus on curiosity, sensation and exploration, everyone's experience gets richer.

Speaker 1: 14:34

Number three encourage self-awareness before partnered awareness. Ask yourself what feels good to you, what do you enjoy? When do you feel most safe? If you can't answer that, it's time to explore without shame, solo or with a therapist. I want to feel closer during sex, not just perform it, or I'd love for us to explore more of what feels good for me isn't selfish, it's honest. Number five redefine good sex. Good sex isn't about acrobatics or how many positions you tried. It's about connection, safety, communication, laughter, presence. And here's something radical you don't have to match each other's desire perfectly to have amazing sex. You just have to respect each other's needs, create safety and be willing to get curious. And be willing to get curious, because when both people feel seen, heard and safe, that's when sex becomes healing instead of performative.

Speaker 1: 15:55

Closing the pleasure gap isn't just a sexual act, it's an act of emotional justice, and it starts with conversations like this one, like this one. Dear men, this episode is for you too. All right, let's take a moment to talk directly to the men listening, because I know some of you are here trying to understand your partner, maybe feeling confused, maybe even hurt or rejected. First, let me say this Thank you for listening. You're already doing more than most.

Speaker 1: 16:30

Here's the thing If the women you love has pulled away sexually, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It doesn't mean she's broken or cold or doesn't find you attractive. What it might mean is this she feels emotionally exhausted. She's disconnected from her own body. She's carrying unspoken shame. That has nothing to do with you and I know that can feel personal, but here's what you can do Be curious instead of defensive. Ask how she wants to feel during intimacy, not just what she wants to do, and remember she's not rejecting you. She's trying to reconnect with herself. Sex can't be safe if it's full of pressure, but emotional safety that's the sexiest thing you can offer her. You don't need to be perfect, you just need to be present and willing to hear her story, even if she's still finding the words, because the more safety you create, the more connection she'll find.

Speaker 1: 17:46

The Myth of the Low Libido Woman. Let's bust a myth that haunts so many women the idea that we just don't want sex. First off, desire isn't one-size-fits-all. There's spontaneous desire, the I'm suddenly horny out of nowhere, kind. And then there's responsive desire, which kicks in after things get going. Most men are socialized around spontaneous desire. Most women are shamed out of desire entirely. A 2022 study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior found that up to 40% of women who report low libido actually fall into the responsive desire category, meaning they're not broken. They just need safety, connection and time. But when women are told they're less sexual by default, they start carrying that as true. They think something's wrong with them and, worse, they assume sex is something they have to endure instead of something they can enjoy.

Speaker 1: 18:53

Let me be crystal clear. Desire doesn't look like it does in the movies. It doesn't always start in the body. It often starts in the brain. Women need context. They need a break from caregiving. They need to feel emotionally safe. That's not high maintenance, that's just honest. Why he's ready and you're wondering if he even likes you and you're wondering if he even likes you. Let's just name it.

Speaker 1: 19:28

For a lot of women, sex is about connection. For a lot of men, sex creates connection. That difference, it's not just personal. It's biological, psychological and cultural. According to a massive meta-analysis published in the Journal of Sex Research, women are significantly more likely than men to need emotional intimacy and relational security in order to feel sexual desire. Meanwhile, men are more likely to experience desires spontaneous, often disconnected from emotional intimacy, especially in early relationships. And that's not because men are emotionally shallow, it's because of how desire works in their bodies and how they've been socialized.

Speaker 1: 20:15

Men are taught that sex is success, that it proves masculinity. Women are taught that sex is vulnerability, that it risks reputation, safety or rejection. So while he might see sex as a form of closeness, she may feel like she needs closeness to even want it. Let me give you an example I see all the time in couples therapy. She says I don't want sex unless I feel emotionally close. He says I don't feel emotionally close unless we have sex.

Speaker 1: 20:46

Sex and boom, we've got a cycle. If no one talks about it, it turns into resentment, avoidance, shame or a standoff. But when couples do talk about it, the magic starts to happen, because now we're not just negotiating logistics, we're honoring emotional needs. So if you're a woman who needs to feel emotionally safe before you want sex, that's not a flaw. That's your body's way of protecting you. And if you're a man who feels loved and connected through sex, that's valid too. But here's the kicker If we don't talk about these differences openly, we end up misreading each other. Women think men just want physical release. Men think women are rejecting them not the context, when in reality, both want intimacy. They're just coming at it from different angles. And once you understand that, you stop trying to fix desire and start creating a space where both people feel met, because sex isn't just about bodies. It's about nervous systems, and women's nervous systems often need emotional safety before physical desire shows up.

Speaker 1: 22:03

Here are some supporting stats. A 2017 study in the Journal of Sex Research found that emotional closeness was the most frequently cited motivator for sex in women, whereas men cited physical attraction and opportunity more often. Research from Kinsey Institute also shows that in long-term relationships, men report greater satisfaction when sex is frequent, while women report greater satisfaction when emotional intimacy is high, even if sex isn't frequent. Esther Perel puts it perfectly for women, desire is not always the cause of sex. It's often the result of it.

Speaker 1: 22:50

Sexual trauma isn't the end of the story. And now for the women listening who have experienced sexual trauma Maybe it was a one-time experience, maybe it was long-term, maybe it happened years ago and you're only now realizing how it shaped your view of sex, your body, your self-worth. If you've been carrying that pain, this episode might have stirred something up, and I want you to know you are not alone. According to RAINN, one in six women have experienced an attempted or completed sexual assault, and that number doesn't even touch the unreported, the minimized or the misunderstood. Trauma rewires your brain. It changes your body's relationship to safety and pleasure. It makes desire feel scary, confusing or even non-existent. And guess what? That's a normal response to an abnormal violation. So if you've avoided sex, if you've dissociated during intimacy, if you felt like your body isn't yours, that doesn't make you broken. That makes you a survivor.

Speaker 1: 24:05

Healing is possible, but it has to happen in a way that your body leads. But it has to happen in a way that your body leads, and that might mean trauma-informed therapy, somatic work or EMDR, redefining sex on your own terms, saying no until your nervous system says yes. And if you've never told anyone your story, here's what I want you to hear you deserve healing. You deserve healing. You deserve safety. You deserve a relationship to your body that's rooted in respect, not fear. Your trauma isn't your fault and your healing is your right.

Speaker 1: 24:54

To the woman disconnected from her body, let's talk to the woman who doesn't feel like she lives in her body anymore. Maybe it's been years, maybe it happened after a breakup, a betrayal, a trauma, a baby, or maybe it just crept in after years of putting everyone else first. You're not numb because you're cold. You're numb because your body has been trying to protect you. You've survived, you've held it together, you've made it through things you never talk about. But now you feel distant from your own skin. You look in the mirror and think I don't even recognize her Touch feels overwhelming or irritating or like something you're supposed to get through, and you wonder why don't I feel anything anymore? The answer might not be in your libido. It might be in your nervous system. Your body may be in freeze mode, not because you're broken, but because somewhere along the way you learned it wasn't safe to fully be here.

Speaker 1: 26:00

So if sex feels like pressure, if you avoid being seen naked, if pleasure feels unreachable, you're not alone and you're not beyond repair. Here's where we start. Gentle curiosity, touch your arm, close your eyes, breathe. What do you feel? Even if it's nothing, can you be with that Slow re-entry? Sensuality doesn't start in the bedroom. It starts in the way you shower, eat, dress, move. Let your body be experienced again without an audience. Let go of performance. You don't have to feel sexy to reclaim your body. You just have to feel safe and ask yourself what does my body need today? Not look like need and maybe most importantly, give yourself permission to come back in slowly. You don't have to force intimacy before you feel ready. You are still in there beneath the shutdown, the numbness, the pressure. She's still there and when she's ready to return, you'll welcome her without judgment. Her without judgment.

Speaker 1: 27:39

What if I don't even know what's wrong? So let's say you're listening to this and thinking, yeah, this resonates, but I don't even know what my issue is. I just feel, ah, disconnected, like I'm floating outside my body. First of all, that's not weird, that's human. In therapy I hear this all the time. I'm not even sure what's bothering me. I just know I'm not okay. I feel numb, but I also feel overwhelmed. I don't even know who I am anymore. That disorientation isn't failure. It's a signal. It means your inner world is asking for attention, not answers, just attention. So what do you do when you don't even know what's wrong? You start small and get curious. Here's how I help clients rediscover themselves when they feel emotionally disconnected.

Speaker 1: 28:33

1. Get out of fix-it mode. You don't need to solve anything right away. You need to notice. Practice asking what am I feeling right now? Where do I feel that in my body? What would I name this sensation if I had to?

Speaker 1: 28:50

2. Track emotional rhythms. Instead of waiting for clarity, pay attention to when you feel most drained or most alive. What kinds of conversations light you up? When do you feel the urge to withdraw? These are breadcrumbs back to your center. These are breadcrumbs back to your center. 3. Shift from judgment to compassion Instead of why can't I figure this out? Try, what part of me is asking to be seen? 4. Create space to feel, not just think. Most women live in survival mode. Think, perform, push through. But healing happens when you feel safe enough to just be. That's where journaling, breath work therapy, even solo walks, can become sacred, not because they fix you, but because they reconnect you to yourself.

Speaker 1: 29:55

5. Name your unmet need. If you feel disconnected, exhausted or numb, it's not always trauma. Sometimes it's simply years of silencing your own needs. Ask what do I wish someone would give me right now? Or what have I been deprioritizing that I actually miss? Sometimes the answer isn't sex. It's rest or play or creativity, or just someone to ask how you're really doing. And here's the reframe I want you to hold close you don't have to understand your breakdown to begin your breakthrough. You're allowed to show up messy. You're allowed to ask for help before you can explain why you need it. Because rediscovery doesn't start with clarity. It starts with permission, therapy time, sex safety and the attachment lens. Okay, it's time to put on our therapy goggles for a sec.

Speaker 1: 31:04

Let's talk about why sex can feel so loaded, mismatched or even painful, especially in long-term relationships. And for that we need to bring in one of my favorite frameworks attachment theory. This isn't just psychobabble. This explains why so many couples end up in the same frustrating dance. Here's the quick and dirty version.

Speaker 1: 31:28

If you have a secure attachment, sex and emotional connection usually flow both ways. But if you've got anxious or avoidant patterns, sex can become a battlefield or a performance or a shutdown. And here's where it gets spicy. A lot of anxiously attached people, often but not always women, need emotional reassurance before sex, while many avoidantly attached people again often, but not always, men use sex to access closeness they struggle to express emotionally. So now you've got this loop One person saying I can't have sex unless I feel emotionally safe. The other is saying I can't feel emotionally unless I feel emotionally safe. The other is saying I can't feel emotionally safe unless we're having sex. Boom, emotional stalemate. And if we don't name that, it turns into shame, resentment and the dreaded. We're just roommates. Now vibe In therapy.

Speaker 1: 32:27

I often use emotionally focused therapy to help couples untangle. This EFT focuses on naming the emotional cycle, creating safety to express vulnerability, building secure connection both in and out of the bedroom. Because the truth is, sex isn't just about physical desire. It's about feeling chosen, seen and emotionally safe. So when someone pulls away from sex, they're not always rejecting you. They might be protecting themselves. And when someone pushes for sex, they're not always pressuring you. They might be asking for connection in the only way they know how. When we can see our partner's beds for connection, even if it looks different from ours, that's when intimacy starts to rebuild. So here's your therapy takeaway Ask not just what's happening in the bedroom, but what's happening emotionally between you two, because the bedroom is often a mirror of your emotional world and when you heal the disconnection outside of sex, the pleasure, trust and desire it has a way of coming back From birth to bedroom.

Speaker 1: 33:45

Why nobody warns you about this part? Okay, let's talk about something that hits hard for a lot of women Postpartum sex and body image, because people love to ask when's the baby due, but no one ever asks. Hey, how's your relationship to your body and sexuality now that your insides have been rearranged by a human? Childbirth changes everything physically, hormonally, emotionally. Your hormones crash, your pelvic floor takes a hit, your boobs are suddenly food sources and your identity shaken, stirred and served with a side of what even is sex anymore sex and served with the sight of what even is sex anymore. And on top of all that, we're expected to bounce back to our bodies, our confidence and our sex lives as if nothing happened. Spoiler alert something did happen. A whole ass person came out of your body, and yet so many women feel ashamed for not wanting sex after birth or for wanting it, but feeling disconnected from their bodies.

Speaker 1: 34:57

Here's what the research says. According to a study published in BJOG, an international journal of obstetrics and gynecology, 83% of women experience sexual problems in the first three months postpartum. Even at six months postpartum, over half still report issues with desire, arousal and confidence. And it's not just about the physical trauma. It's about the emotional whiplash you go from being celebrated as a glowing goddess to being exhausted, touched out and quietly grieving the body you no longer recognize. And that grief, that discomfort, that silence around it. It creates shame.

Speaker 1: 35:43

I've had clients say things like I feel guilty because my partner wants me and I just don't want to be touched. I don't even feel like myself anymore. How can I feel sexy? I miss my old body, but I feel selfish for saying that. Let me say this clearly you are not broken, you are becoming. Your sexuality didn't disappear, it's just evolving. Disappear, it's just evolving.

Speaker 1: 36:18

So what can help Time? Give yourself grace. You don't have to rush back into intimacy, non-sexual touch, reconnect with your body without expectation, body neutrality. You don't have to love your body right now. Just don't punish it. Therapy, especially if you're feeling grief, disconnection or pressure. Communication with your partner Try. This isn't about rejecting you, it's about rediscovering me. Motherhood changes everything, including how you experience pleasure, but pleasure is still yours. It may just need a slower, gentler reintroduction. And if you're waiting until you get your body back before feeling worthy of intimacy again, newsflash you never lost it. You gained a new one and it deserves just as much love and it deserves just as much love.

Speaker 1: 37:17

When the sex stops, what's really going on? All right, let's go there. What actually happens when couples stop having sex? Because it's more common than most people admit and it's rarely about laziness or lack of love. Sex doesn't usually just stop. It fades Quietly, gradually, until one day you're both sitting on opposite ends of the couch wondering when you last even kissed for more than three seconds without a child interrupting or your phone buzzing. And I'll tell you what I've seen in the therapy room. Sex doesn't fade because people stop being attracted. It fades because people stop feeling safe, seen, touched, desired and emotionally close.

Speaker 1: 38:03

When couples stop having sex, it's often the result of emotional erosion, not just physical fatigue. Here are some common culprits Unresolved conflict Resentment is a major libido killer. You can't wait to be vulnerable with someone you secretly feel unheard or unseen by. Mental load burnout, especially for women. If your brain is full of meal plans, carpool logistics and emotional labor for everyone in the house, good luck. Feeling turned on. That arousal switch isn't broken. It's buried. Shame or trauma. If sex has always been a space of guilt, confusion or obligation, your body might be protecting you by shutting it down. Your body might be protecting you by shutting it down.

Speaker 1: 38:51

Mismatch and desire styles Responsive versus spontaneous desire. When couples don't understand each other's wiring, it creates a shame spiral. Why don't I want this? Why do they keep asking what's wrong with me? Avoidant intimacy patterns Some couples replace sex with surface-level connection being good roommates, no fights, but no passion either.

Speaker 1: 39:16

So what can couples actually do about it? Because, let's be real, the advice to just spice it up with lingerie or a new position won't do a damn thing. If what you're really craving is to feel emotionally safe. Here's what helps. Have the scary but honest conversation. Try this line. I've noticed we haven't been connecting physically and I miss them. Can we talk about what's been getting in the way? Name the patterns, not the blame.

Speaker 1: 39:49

Focus on what's happening between you, not who's at fault. Start with non-sexual touch holding hands, cuddling, massages. These build safety without pressure. Get curious, not critical. Shift from what's wrong with us to what's changed. And what do we both need now? Seek therapy if needed. Yes, even for this. A good couples or sex therapist isn't going to assign homework. They're going to help you find safety again In your body and with each other. Because here's the truth. Couples don't stop having sex because they don't love each other. They stop because something underneath the surface isn't being spoken, seen or healed. And the good news Once the conversation starts, so can the connection Reclaiming sexual agency.

Speaker 1: 40:44

So, now that we've dragged shame into the light, what do we do about it? First, give yourself permission Permission to feel desire, permission to not feel desire, permission to explore, express and evolve. You don't need a PhD in sexuality to reclaim your body. You just need curiosity, honesty and a safe space to land. Here are some tools. Land here are some tools. Body neutrality we talked about this in a previous segment. You don't have to love your body to respect it. Just have to start listening to it. Desire mapping, notice what arouses you without judgment. Books, fantasies, even conversations. Self-touch, without pressure. Learn what feels good, without any goal in mind. It's not about the orgasm. It's about connection, couples, communication Try the sentence.

Speaker 1: 41:42

I've realized I've internalized shame around sex and I'm working on changing that. I want to talk to you about it and, if you want, help, therapy, sex therapy, even books. There's three books that I will encourage you guys to pick up if you're curious Come as you Are by Emily Nagoski. Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin and Untrue by Wednesday. Martin, you don't have to do it all, but you do deserve a sexual relationship with yourself or someone else that's rooted in freedom. Not fear, you're not broken. You're just not alone. Books that prove it. I had to tell myself this. I didn't realize I wasn't broken. I was just never given permission to be curious. Okay, so let's say you've been listening to this and nodding along, feeling all the things, but now you're wondering how do I keep unpacking this after the episode ends? The good news how do I keep unpacking this after the episode ends? The good news there are some absolutely brilliant minds out there who've written the sexual healing and unshaming manual we all wish we got at 16. Let's break down a few of my favorites Books I recommend to clients all the time.

Speaker 1: 43:07

Number one Come as you Are by Emily Nagoski. This is the book for anyone who's ever asked why don't I want sex? Dr Nagoski explains that sexual desire is not about hormones or foreignness. It's about context. She uses a car metaphor your gas pedal equals things that turn you on. Your brake pedal equals things that turn you off. And here's the twist For most women, the brake is way more sensitive. Stress, shame, laundry piles, insecurity, one weird comment from your partner. All of it hits the brakes. So if you've ever thought you had low libido, you might not. You might just have your foot on the brake and no one ever taught you how to take it off. Dr Nagoski also emphasizes this. You are normal. Your body is not broken. You're just reacting to your environment and once you understand that, you can change it.

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Number two sex talks by Vanessa and xander maron. This one's for couples who want to feel more connected, less awkward and more in sync in the bedroom, but don't know how to talk about sex without things getting weird or defensive. Vanessa, a sex therapist, and xander, her husband, break down five key conversations every couple should have about sex. They're funny, real and super practical. They normalize differences in libido, they give scripts to use when things feel off and they remind you that sexual communication doesn't have to be scary. It can be loving, playful and even hot. This book is like couples therapy with wine and no copays.

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Number three Untrue by Wednesday Martin. This one blows the lid off the tired narrative that women are just less sexual than men. Spoiler alert we're not. Wednesday Martin brings the science and the sass, unpacking the cultural myths that have suppressed women's desire for centuries. She dives into evolutionary biology, anthropology and even kink culture to show how women's sexuality is diverse, fluid and powerful, when it's not boxed in by shame. It's bold, it's validating and it'll make you want to reclaim your pleasure on purpose want to reclaim your pleasure on purpose. So here's the takeaway If you've ever felt off, if you've ever felt like the problem was you, if you've ever thought you should just want sex more or get it over already, you're not broken. You're living in a culture that never taught you how to feel safe, curious or connected to your sexuality. These books don't offer shame. They offer language, and when women have language, we have power. So, whether you read one chapter or binge the whole thing with a highlighter, I hope these resources remind you your sexuality isn't missing. It's just waiting to be understood. And you, my friend, get to begin that understanding now.

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Oh yeah, bad advice of the week. All right, it's time for our favorite segment. Bad advice of the week, this week's winner. Just fake it till you make it. Nope, nope, never.

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Faking orgasms does not empower you. It teaches your partner exactly how to not please you and, worse, it tells your nervous system that your pleasure is less important than someone else's ego. We don't need more women pretending. We need more women feeling. So here's your permission slip, friend. Don't fake anything. Ask for what you need, and if you don't know what you need yet, that's okay. That's what the journey's for. Sex isn't a performance. It's a conversation, and you deserve to be part of it. Your permission slip.

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Before we wrap up, I want to leave you with something most of us never got growing Permission. So here's your permission slip for this week. You have permission to not want sex and not feel broken. You have permission to want more sex and not feel ashamed. You have permission to unlearn everything you were taught about being a good girl. You have permission to make pleasure a priority. Hell yeah, you have permission to come home to your body at your own pace, in your own way.

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There is no right timeline, no perfect desire level, no gold star for faking it, just your truth and that is enough. Ask yourself this what part of me have I been silencing in order to feel safe or acceptable, and what would it look like to finally listen to her? You were never too much. You were just taught to shrink, and now you get to take up space in your body, in your bedroom and in your story. All right, my friends, if no one's told you this lately, there is nothing wrong with you. Your body is not broken. Your desire is not defective. You are not too complicated, too sensitive, too sexual or not sexual enough. You are just a woman navigating a world that taught you to be small, quiet and selfless, especially in the bedroom.

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But here's the good news you can unlearn that shame. You can rewrite your story, and you don't have to do it alone. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Start a conversation, reflect, rage, reclaim, and if you're ready to dig deeper into your own healing, you know where to find me. Until next time, stay bold, stay honest and remember you don't need fixing. You need permission to feel like yourself again. This is Licensed and Unfiltered. I'm Lena Keneally. Thanks for being here.