Emotional Rollercoaster: The Science Behind Why We Stay in Toxic Love

What happens when "toxic" isn't just a trendy buzzword, but your daily reality? Behind closed doors, toxic relationships rarely announce themselves with obvious red flags. Instead, they slowly erode your sense of self through quiet patterns that make you question your reality and shrink your existence.

This deep dive explores what actually makes a relationship toxic—from the subtle gaslighting that makes you doubt your sanity to the trauma bonds that keep you chemically addicted to harmful cycles. Using insights from attachment theory, polyvagal theory, and the Gottman Method, we unpack why intelligent, capable people stay in relationships that hurt them, and why leaving feels like withdrawal rather than relief.

The numbers are staggering: 84% of women and 75% of men report experiencing toxic friendships, while globally, one in three women faces intimate partner violence. These aren't just statistics—they represent millions of everyday people who've normalized relationship pain as the cost of connection.

Whether you're questioning your current relationship, healing from a past one, or supporting someone caught in toxic patterns, this episode offers clarity without judgment. You'll learn the psychological mechanisms behind toxic love, practical boundary scripts that protect your peace, and how to distinguish between relationships worth repairing and those that require the courage to walk away.

Most importantly, you'll discover that your worth was never dependent on someone else choosing you—it's in how you choose yourself. If communication has become warfare, if your needs are consistently dismissed, or if you no longer recognize who you are in the relationship, this is your permission slip to trust your gut and reclaim the self you've been taught to silence.

You deserve more than survival in love. Share this episode with someone who needs to hear they're not crazy—they're just healing.

Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Toxic Relationships
• 3:51 The Widespread Reality of Relationship Harm
• 5:31 Signs of Toxicity in Relationships
• 11:49 Trauma Bonds and Why We Stay
• 17:17 Psychology Behind Toxic Dynamics
• 26:43 Setting Boundaries and Healing Language
• 27:43 When to Stay vs. When to Leave
• 30:26 Recognizing Abuse and Finding Safety
• 33:47 When Communication Becomes a Weapon
• 36:15 The Journey of Reclaiming Yourself

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Toxic is not just a buzzword. So let's talk about the big bad word Toxic. We hear it everywhere On TikTok, in memes, in group chats where your bestie texts girl, you need to leave him. That's so toxic. At this point we're calling everything toxic your ex gluten, your boss, your iced coffee order. But just because it's trending doesn't mean we know what it actually means. But when you're actually living inside that relationship, it doesn't feel obvious. It feels like they're not always like this. They had a hard childhood. I just need to communicate better. What if I'm the problem too?

Speaker 1: 0:55

Toxic isn't always explosive. Sometimes it's quiet. It's the shrinking, the walking on eggshells. It's losing your voice and then forgetting you even had one. So today we're unpacking it all.

Speaker 1: 1:14

What actually makes a relationship toxic, why people stay, even when they're hurting, when it's worth working through it and when it's time to walk away. When it's worth working through it and when it's time to walk away, and how to rebuild your sense of self after you've spent so long trying to keep someone else together, because staying doesn't always mean you're weak and leaving doesn't always mean you've failed. You deserve clarity, you deserve safety and you deserve to hear the truth about love without the sugarcoating. Welcome to Licensed and Unfiltered. I'm Lina, your trusty therapist on the go. This episode might make you cry. It might make you laugh. Just remember you're not alone.

Speaker 1: 2:04

The numbers don't lie. Before we unpack the messy, heartbreaking and too often invisible ways relationships hurt us, we need to talk about how widespread this really is. 84% of women and 75% of men say they've had at least one toxic friendship in their lives. That's emotional abuse from someone you didn't even see coming Around. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 3 men report being in an unhealthy relationship where emotional safety, respect or sanity was on the line. Globally, 30% of women that's nearly one in three have experienced physical and or sexual violence from an intimate partner, and in the US, data shows 41% of women and 26% of men have suffered some form of intimate partner violence in their lifetimes, suffered some form of intimate partner violence in their lifetimes. That's not a small minority. That's millions of everyday people, maybe including someone you thought was fine. So if you're here because you feel hurt, confused or stuck, you're not alone. These statistics don't just fill space. They represent lives, yours included. And here's the truth. You don't have to become a statistic. You deserve to heal, to feel safe and to reclaim a relationship that's rooted in respect, not survival. That's rooted in respect, not survival.

Speaker 1: 3:51

What is a toxic relationship really? Let's clear something up. Not all conflict is toxic. Every couple argues, every relationship has bad days. But a toxic relationship is one where the dynamic starts to chip away at your self-worth, where your nervous system stays on high alert, where survival starts to replace connection. Here's how you know it's gone toxic you feel more anxiety than safety. You second-guess your reality after every disagreement. You silence your needs to keep the peace. You feel responsible for managing their emotions, but yours are ignored.

Speaker 1: 4:33

Toxic doesn't always mean they're evil. Sometimes it's two wounded people reenacting patterns they never learned to break. But intent doesn't erase impact. If the relationship consistently leaves you feeling small, afraid, unworthy or emotionally unsafe, it's toxic to you, no matter how good the apologies sound. And just because it's not physical doesn't mean it's not real. Emotional abuse is sneaky. It sounds like you're too sensitive. You're making things up. You're the only one who has a problem with this. So no, toxic doesn't mean it's all bad. But if the good times are the only thing keeping you there, this episode's for you, because love should grow you, not gut you when toxicity shows up outside of romance. And while we're talking about toxicity, let's be clear Toxic relationships don't just happen in romance. They can show up in friendships, in families and, yes, even at work.

Speaker 1: 5:55

I want to share something personal here. I once had a supervisor who slowly, consistently wore me down. Who slowly, consistently wore me down. She made me question my abilities as a therapist, my clinical judgment, my confidence, my voice. Every week I left supervision sessions doubting if I was even good at what I do. It got to the point where I wasn't just second-guessing my clinical work, I was second-guessing myself. And that's the hallmark of toxicity when someone's feedback, instead of being constructive, starts to feel like erosion. What finally grounded me again? My clients, their progress, their breakthroughs, the safety and growth that happened in our sessions, because, at the end of the day, their experience of me as a therapist that was the real feedback and I realized her judgment was never the final word. So if you're questioning your worth because of someone in a position of power, pause, zoom out and ask are they giving me guidance or are they making me disappear?

Speaker 1: 7:16

Toxicity can be wrapped in authority, in friendship, in fake support. If the relationship makes you doubt your worth more than it builds it. That's your red flag Trauma bonding 101. Let's talk about trauma bonds. A trauma bond is an emotional attachment formed through cycles of hurt and repair, like a roller coaster your nervous system can't get off of. It often sounds like they're the only one who really understands me. I know it's bad, but the highs are so good I can't leave. It would destroy them.

Speaker 1: 7:58

Here's what's happening. Your brain is literally addicted to the pattern. You get a spike of stress, conflict, fear and criticism, followed by a hit of dopamine. Makeup, sex love, bombing and apologies If someone makes you feel like the queen of the universe on Monday and the court jester by Thursday. It's not romance, it's emotional rollercoaster cosplay. Get off the ride. That's not love. That's intermittent reinforcement. It's the same thing that keeps people pulling slot machine handles. The payoff is unpredictable. So you stay hooked and that's why leaving doesn't always feel like relief. It can feel like withdrawal, like grief, like part of you is dying. If that's you, you're not crazy. You're trauma bonded. And step one isn't shaming yourself for staying. It's naming the pattern and getting help to break it.

Speaker 1: 9:04

Why we stay? The answers you deserve. Let's just say it out loud You're not stupid for staying. You're not weak, you're not pathetic, you're not broken. You're human, and humans don't let go of attachment easily, even when that attachment hurts. So why do we stay? Because it wasn't always bad. The highs are high. The love bombing is addictive. You hold on waiting for the version of them that made you feel seen in the beginning. You hold on waiting for the version of them that made you feel seen in the beginning.

Speaker 1: 9:47

You stay because of hope. You remember the good, you believe the apologies. You think maybe this time things will be different. That hope isn't foolish, it's trauma-filtered. You stay because of fear. Fear of being alone, fear of starting over, fear that you won't find someone else, fear of retaliation, fear of what leaving will cost you emotionally, financially and physically.

Speaker 1: 10:30

You stay because of shame. You've told your friends they were the one. You've defended them. You've made sacrifices. The idea of saying I was wrong or I need help feels crushing. You stay because of your nervous system. Your body might literally freeze at the idea of leaving. Your heart races, your breath shortens, you can't think straight. That's not weakness, that's survival mode. You stay because of love. Yes, you may still love them. That doesn't make you broken, that makes you loyal, and sometimes loyalty becomes a cage. So if you're listening and thinking, why can't I just leave, it's not that you can't. It's that leaving requires safety, support and a reprogramming of your entire sense of self. And you can do that not overnight, but with truth, with help and with the knowing that you don't have to stay in pain just because you got used to it. You don't owe your future to the person who broke your past.

Speaker 1: 11:48

Here's a mini reflection prompt and a journal prompt I want you to write about what part of me is afraid to leave and what does that part need to feel safe? Start there. You don't need all the answers. You just need a tiny, brave beginning Therapy talk. What's really going on beneath the toxic patterns? All right, let's really get into it. What's actually going on inside us when we keep choosing or staying in toxic relationships? Let's start with IFS internal family systems.

Speaker 1: 12:37

Your parts aren't a problem. Ifs says we all have parts and when we're in relationships, especially painful ones, those parts come alive. You might have a caretaker part that says if I love them enough, they'll heal. A wounded child part that believes love always hurts. A firefighter part that numbs out with wine or scrolling to avoid the pain, a protector part that silences your needs because speaking up never went well in the past. That part of you that clings. It thinks it's protecting you. The one that shuts down, it remembers being unsafe. The fixer, the pleaser, the avoider, they all have jobs. Ifs says we don't have one personality. We have many parts and in toxic relationships those parts go into overdrive In a toxic cycle. But healing isn't about shutting these parts down. It's about giving them permission to rest. You don't need to fix yourself to be worthy of love. You just need to bring yourself back online the calm, curious, clear part of you that knows who you are, even when the room gets loud. These parts aren't broken. They're protective. But when they're leading the relationship we're operating from fear, not from self.

Speaker 1: 14:17

Now layer in attachment theory how your past shows up in your present. Attachment styles don't just live in textbooks. They show up in text bites. Anxiously attached, you over-apologize, chase people-please. You fear abandonment more than disrespect. Avoidantly attached, you shut down emotionally withdraw, crave space, but also fear intimacy. Connection feels like a trap. In toxic relationships these styles trigger each other.

Speaker 1: 14:53

The anxious partner chases the avoidant runs and both feel abandoned in different ways. The path to healing Earned secure attachment, learning that love doesn't mean chasing or hiding. It means choosing with safety. Hiding it means choosing with safety. If you're anxiously attached, conflict feels like abandonment. You might cling, pursue, beg for reassurance. If you're avoidantly attached, closeness feels unsafe. You might shut down, ghost or say things like I just need space, when what you really mean is say things like I just need space, when what you really mean is I'm afraid I'll disappoint you. And when those two patterns dance, it's chaos. The anxious partner chases, the avoidant partner retreats. Both feel misunderstood, both are protecting old wounds and the original pain, usually rooted in childhood, keeps getting reenacted.

Speaker 1: 15:55

Now let's talk codependency, when love becomes self-abandonment. Codependency isn't just being too nice. It's when your worth is tied to someone else's well-being. You feel responsible for their emotions, their growth, their healing. You might think if they're upset, I must have failed. If I can't just love them enough, they'll get better their happiness. If I can just love them enough, they'll get better. Their happiness is my job, their happiness is my job. Here's the kicker. That's not love, that's merger. And merger kills intimacy because it erases you.

Speaker 1: 16:49

Codependency isn't just about overgiving, it's about identity loss. It sounds like if they're okay, I'm okay. I just want peace, even if that means I'm miserable. I feel guilty taking care of myself In a toxic relationship. Codependency keeps you stuck. You believe it's your job to save them. You ignore your needs and you confuse love with loyalty, even when loyalty is killing you. Healing codependency means allowing other people to disappoint you, feeling guilt without rescuing and practicing saying no without apology. You're not selfish for protecting your peace. You're sovereign.

Speaker 1: 17:37

Enter polyvagal theory. When your nervous system calls the shots, let's talk about your body, not the cute kind, the neurobiology kind. Polyvagal theory teaches us that your body is always scanning for safety In toxic relationships. It usually doesn't find it. So what happens? You go into fight, you yell, demand panic text, you shift to flight, you overwork, obsess, check out, you freeze, you shut down, numb out, you fawn, you appease, self-abandon and lose your voice. This isn't a you problem. It's your nervous system doing its job. Healing means learning what safety feels like in your body, regulating before reacting, rewiring through small, consistent signals of safety. This is why love shouldn't feel like a full-time trauma response. This explains why your body reacts the way it does in toxic relationships. Your nervous system is constantly scanning for safety or for danger. Your body isn't betraying you. It's trying to survive, but long term that dysregulation becomes your baseline and love starts to feel like hypervigilance.

Speaker 1: 19:08

And finally, the Gottman Method the four horsemen that kill connection. The Gottman method is a method that actually informs a lot of my couples' work. Doctors John and Julie Gottman studied thousands of couples and found four behaviors that predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy. One criticism, attacking character, not behavior. You always, you never. Two contempt, sarcasm, disgust, eye-rolling oh wow, you're really a genius, huh. Three defensiveness, refusing responsibility. It's not my fault. Four stonewalling, shutting down, silent treatment and emotional disappearance. These are the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse. In toxic relationships they ride in together daily. But the Gottmans also gave us antidotes. Replace criticism with gentle startups, replace contempt with appreciation, replace defensiveness with accountability, and replace stonewalling with self-soothing, with accountability, and replace stonewalling with self-soothing. The point isn't perfection, it's pattern recognition and repair.

Speaker 1: 20:46

Let's talk about one of the sneakiest ways toxicity shows up Weaponize communication. In healthy relationships, communication is a bridge, but in toxic relationships it becomes a battleground, a courtroom, a trap. Here's what weaponized communication can look like Gaslighting, twisting your words so you start questioning your own memory or feelings, like I never said that You're being dramatic or you're crazy. That's not what happened. If he's saying you're just too sensitive after emotionally body slamming you congratulations, you just unlocked the Gaslight Deluxe Edition Scorekeeping Keeping a mental ledger of your mistakes to throw them back at you later. Well, you did this three months ago.

Speaker 1: 21:35

So don't talk to me about respect, intellectualizing or over-explaining, using logic to shut down emotion, as if you need a PowerPoint presentation to justify your feelings. That doesn't make sense. Your feelings aren't rational. Weaponized vulnerability when your partner uses what you've shared in trust as ammo in a fight Like no wonder your dad left you, you're impossible to love. Or the silent treatment Not just needing space but punishing with silence. A power move, not a pause.

Speaker 1: 22:17

And here's the kicker you might be talking all the time but not actually communicating. Because in toxic dynamics, conversations aren't about understanding, they're about control. You're not resolving anything, you're defending your right to exist. Healthy communication says I want to understand you. Toxic communication says I want to win. So if every conversation leaves you more confused than clear, if you walk away questioning your sanity, your tone or even your intentions, that's not miscommunication, that's manipulation. You walk away questioning your sanity, your tone or even your intentions. That's not miscommunication, that's manipulation. And I want to be really clear. You are allowed to walk away from a conversation that feels like psychological warfare. You are allowed to say I'm not engaging like this. You are allowed to protect your peace.

Speaker 1: 23:14

Repair language in boundary scripts. So what do we do after the damage has been done? What does it look like to repair communication instead of repeat the same toxic cycles? Here's the truth. Every relationship hits bumps, but in healthy ones, repair is possible and repair is safe.

Speaker 1: 23:37

Let's start with repair language what you can say when things go sideways and you actually want to heal, not harm. If you messed up, I can hear how I hurt you. I wasn't seen clearly in that moment and I want to do better. You could say you don't owe me forgiveness, but I owe you change. You can also say that wasn't okay, I'm not proud of how I reacted and I want to talk when you're ready. If they messed up, but there's effort you can say I need time to process, but I appreciate your accountability. Or this hurt me and I need us to slow down so I don't go numb. Or thank you for owning them. What would repair look like from your end? What would repair look like from your end If you're trying to reconnect, you can say we got off track and I missed the version of us that really listens.

Speaker 1: 24:37

Or can we try again. I want to hear you without defense, and I hope you'll hear me too. Or let's name what happened without attacking each other. And then there's the power of a boundary. Boundaries aren't ultimatums. They're limits you set to protect your well-being, not punish someone else.

Speaker 1: 25:01

Here are some boundary scripts for when communication keeps getting weaponized. When you're being gaslit, you can say I'm open to feedback, but not when it comes with denial of my reality, or we remember things differently and I'm not going to argue with my own experience. When you're being emotionally attacked, you can say I'm not okay with being spoken to this way. I'll continue this when we're both calm or criticism shuts me down. Let's try again later. When they punish you with silence, you can say if you need space, that's okay, but please communicate that instead of freezing me out. Or I'm not doing silent treatment games. We can pause, but we also need repair.

Speaker 1: 25:54

Boundaries without follow-through are just suggestions. So if your boundary is constantly being ignored, that's not a miscommunication, that's a message. Here's the mantra I want you to hold on to I can be kind and still protect myself. I can be loving and still have limits. I can walk away from conversations that try to unmake me, because love isn't proven by how much damage you can tolerate. It's shown by how much truth your relationship can hold and still come back to safety. The first time you set a boundary and someone's pissed, that's not you being mean, that's them realizing the free buffet of your emotional labor is closed.

Speaker 1: 26:42

How to know when to stay? So here's the tricky truth. Not all hard relationships are toxic and not all toxic feeling ones are doomed. Sometimes what feels toxic is actually unhealed pain rubbing up against unskilled communication. So how do you know when it's worth staying? Here are some signs your partner takes actual accountability no gaslighting, no deflection. There's visible effort to change, not just promises. You both feel emotionally safe enough to be honest. Therapy is on the table and not just weaponized against you. You're not afraid of their reaction when you speak up. Hard is not the same as harmful If your relationship has wounds, but also the will to heal. There may be something worth rebuilding. How to know when to go? But let's be real. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is leave. So here's how you know it's time to go.

Speaker 1: 27:50

You're constantly in fight, flight or freeze. You minimize your pain to justify their behavior. Your needs are ignored, mocked or punished. Boundaries don't just get crossed, they get erased. You no longer recognize who you are in the relationship. If your inner voice whispers, this isn't love anymore. Listen, leaving isn't weak. It's what self-respect sometimes looks like. You can love someone and still outgrow the relationship. You can forgive them and still choose distance, because staying for potential is not a relationship. It's a bet. You keep losing when it's more than toxic.

Speaker 1: 28:37

Let's talk about abuse Now, before we go any further, I need to say this out loud If you're in a relationship where there is physical violence, threats, intimidation or fear for your safety, this isn't just toxic, this is abuse. I know that word can feel too big, too dramatic, too final, but abuse isn't just bruises, it's fear, it's control, it's silence. Abuse thrives in the shadows of. He didn't mean to. It was just one time. I should have known better. If someone is hitting you, threatening you, controlling who you talk to, tracking your location or making you afraid to leave, that's not love, that's power and control, and none of it is your fault, not for loving them, not for staying, not for surviving, however you needed to.

Speaker 1: 29:37

I want to share a story that mirrors what I've heard from more than one client over the years, a composite of truths too common to ignore. She was smart. She was smart, educated, had a great job. From the outside, her life looked fine, but her partner controlled everything what she wore, who she talked to, how long she stayed at work. The first time he hurt her she blamed herself. The second time she hid it by. The third she was Googling what happens if I leave an abusive relationship. And you know what made her feel the most shame that she loved him, that her body still wanted him. That part of her believed she was being too dramatic. We entangled that shame in session after session. When she finally left, quietly, safely, with help, she said something I'll never forget. The moment I stopped trying to convince him to love me better was the moment I started loving myself enough to walk away.

Speaker 1: 30:49

So if you're hearing this and thinking, maybe this, this is me, it's okay if you're not ready to 88788. You are not weak for being afraid, you are not broken for staying, and you are not alone. And when you do leave because I believe you will you don't walk away empty. You walk away with your life and maybe for the first time, you walk back to yourself. Reddit confessional.

Speaker 1: 31:46

One Reddit user posted this under relationships and I'll paraphrase to protect privacy I've been with my partner for five years. He's never hit me, but every argument ends with him calling me crazy or threatening to leave. I've stopped going out with my friends. I can't bring anything up without it turning into a fight. I miss who I was before this relationship, but I also feel like I'd be nothing without it. That comment had over 6,000 upvotes.

Speaker 1: 32:17

If that's not a mirror, I don't know what is. When thousands of strangers say I feel this too, we can't write it off as a bad match. This is a cultural wound pattern too many people normalize, and if you saw yourself in that post, don't scroll past that feeling. It might be the part of you that's still trying to save your life, reclaiming yourself after toxic love. So you've left or you're thinking about it Now. What? Now you meet the version of yourself who doesn't need to perform to be loved, the one who isn't in survival mode every day, the one who stops blaming herself for not being enough for someone who never knew how to love in the first place.

Speaker 1: 33:04

Healing from toxic love isn't linear. It's a reclamation. You learn to trust your gut again. Beat your knees without apologizing, set boundaries and keep them. Let love in when it's safe and secure, not chaotic and confusing, and, most of all, you remember that your worth was never dependent on someone else choosing you. It's in how you choose yourself.

Speaker 1: 33:33

So what does healing actually look like? Let's take a breath. We've talked about the trauma, the patterns, the parts, but what does healing actually look like? Here's the truth. No one tells you. Healing is kind of boring at first. It's no longer riding emotional roller coasters just to feel alive. It's not needing closure from someone who couldn't give you clarity while you were still there. It's turning your phone on do not disturb and actually enjoying the silence, crying without shame, laughing again without waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Speaker 1: 34:15

It's not linear. You might grieve, you might relapse, you might miss them. That doesn't mean you're going backwards. That means you're human and, the best part, one day you'll wake up and realize you didn't think about them first thing this morning. That's healing. That's freedom. That's you coming back to life.

Speaker 1: 34:43

Bad advice of the week All right, it's time for everybody's favorite dumpster fire. All right, it's time for everybody's favorite dumpster fire. Bad advice of the week, this week's gem. If they act out, it just means they're afraid to lose you. Oh, so now? Emotional immaturity is romantic. Let me translate that for you Yelling is not love, control is not commitment and emotional chaos isn't passion. It's poor regulation. If someone only treats you right when they fear losing you, that's not a partner, that's a panic response. Let's retire the idea that dysfunction equals death. There are better ways to feel special than being someone's emotional hostage. You are the proof. You can begin again.

Speaker 1: 35:36

If you've been listening and thinking, this is me. I want you to hear this You're not weak, you're not broken and you're not too far gone. You've just been surviving a relationship that made you forget your own strength. Here's the truth. You don't need to earn love by abandoning yourself. You don't have to stay in a war just to prove you're loyal. You don't need another person's permission to choose peace. You don't need another person's permission to choose peace.

Speaker 1: 36:10

Healing from a toxic relationship isn't just about leaving them. It's about returning to you In that journey. It's messy, it's nonlinear, but it is possible. You are allowed to want more. You are allowed to start over. You are allowed to become someone even you haven't met yet, because the version of you that rises after this, she's the one who gets to build the kind of love that doesn't just survive but feels like home.

Speaker 1: 36:45

And hey, if no one's told you this today, you're not crazy, you're not too much, you're not broken. You're just someone who's finally waking up from a love that wasn't loving you back. You don't need to explain your healing, you just need to honor it. If you've made it to the end of this episode, first of all, I'm proud of you. We've unraveled a lot, and if your brain is buzzing, your heart is heavy, or you're staring at your ceiling wondering what the hell do I do now, that's okay. You're not supposed to have all the answers. You're just supposed to get honest, and you did that today. So here's your reminder you are not too broken to be loved. You don't need to shrink to be chosen. You are allowed to leave the version of you who only knew how to survive, the healed version. This isina, licensed and unfiltered. And until next time, keep doing the messy, brave, heart-wrecking work of coming home to yourself. You're not crazy, you're just healing. Thank you everyone. Bye.