Safety In Plan! - You what?!? Why parents need plans.

Plans can provide safety, reduce anxiety, and create a sense of control for parents in additional needs families when everything feels chaotic. They help reduce cognitive load and mental demand, giving us space to be more present with our children.

• Plans work best when they're flexible and adaptable to changing circumstances
• Written plans take pressure off our working memory, especially during stressful moments
• Types of plans include burnout recovery, community outings, safety during dysregulation, and exit strategies
• Planning ahead helps manage the constant "what if" thinking that comes with additional needs parenting
• Having plans doesn't mean being rigid - it means being prepared while remaining adaptable
• When we're in stress responses (fight/flight/freeze), our brains can't plan effectively
• Parents are the family linchpin - if we don't take care of ourselves, everyone suffers
• Start small with planning rather than trying to plan everything at once
• Sometimes we need help creating plans when we're overwhelmed, and that's not failure

If this episode had you going "that's so me" or feel a little less alone, why not buy me a coffee? Just click the link in the show notes. It's a small way to show your support and keep this podcast going.

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I'm Liz, The Untypical OT. I work with parents and carers in additional needs and neurodivergent families to support them with burnout, mental health and well-being. When we support parents, everyone benefits.

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Take care

Liz 

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Untypical Parent Talks
• 1:10 Safety in a Plan: Feeling Contained
• 3:25 Finding Control in Uncertain Systems
• 6:19 Types of Plans for Additional Needs
• 10:40 Flexible Planning vs. Rigid Planning
• 16:35 Parents as the Family Linchpin
• 23:35 Episode Closing and Call to Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to the Untypical Parent Talks to Herself, the podcast for typically untypical parents.

Speaker 1: 0:07

I'm Liz Evans and I am the Untypical OT and I'm your host, and in these bite-sized do-it-yourself episodes, we're going to dive into real talk about parenting in additional needs families.

Speaker 1: 0:19

No fluff, no judgment, just the stuff that matters. No judgment, just the stuff that matters, because, let's face it, there's absolutely no rule book that works for the wild ride that we'll find ourselves on as parents in additional needs families. So let's shake things up, let's share some of the laughs and the hard stuff and get the support we all need in this untypical journey. Are you ready? Come join me. Untypical journey. Are you ready? Come join me. Welcome. I'm Liz Evans and I'm the Untypical OT and I'm your host for the Untypical Parent Talks to Herself Short, little, mini-sized, bite-sized episodes that you can listen to on the go, on the run, because, let's face it, as parents we are usually super busy.

Speaker 1: 1:10

So I'm coming today to have a chat with you about safety in a plan. Sounds a bit weird Now. A little while ago probably quite a long time ago now actually I was with my ex-partner and I remember saying to him I feel safe with a plan. A plan makes me feel safe. And I remember the look. I remember the look at me of what. What on earth are you talking about? The earth are you talking about? And as far back as I can remember, I made plans. So when I was very young, I used to compete. You might not think it to look at me, but, um, I did ballet. Okay now, for those of you that are just listening and have never seen me, I do not have the physique of a ballerina, and but what I have come to realise in later life and with a diagnosis, is that I have. How do you have a standoff? So I was super bend, bendy, I was great like that for ballerina, wise, um.

Speaker 1: 2:29

And I remember when we used to go and do our exams and competitions and stuff like that is that I would make lists, so literally lists as well, like for the moment I got up, what I was going to do, how I was going to do. It might sound really weird, I'm going to admit it, but it would be things like you know, 7 o'clock, get up 7.05, go downstairs 7.10, make breakfast, and then I'd have a list of what I was going to have for breakfast, all that kind of stuff and I used to list things like that. I now know as well, looking back, probably with the diagnosis of dyslexia that I have difficulties with my working memory, so I would often forget things very quickly, and I would. I'm quite an anxious person, was quite an anxious kid, and I was always quite worried that I was going to forget something. So I used to write things down I have lists everywhere, everywhere and then forget to look at them. Um, but there's something in a plan, there's a power in a plan, and when this kind of came to light for me was when my son, my youngest son, who is autistic and on an e-atos package, which is educated other than at school, so he's not able to go to school. We couldn't find a provision that could suit his needs and his mental health was so poor that actually it was deemed the best place for him to be would be to learn from in home environment, and we've been in place doing that. For must be coming up two years now, two years since we got that.

Speaker 1: 4:14

But what I realised with my son and I've now decided to apply to myself as well and realise that that's what I need, and I think that's what all of us need is that, although we were meeting his needs within the home, within learning, he needed a plan. He needed a focus or an aim of where he was going, and I think sometimes we shy away from plans. Some of us think I don't like plans and it's an extra demand on us because you've got to go there. Some of us think I don't like plans and it's an extra demand on us because you've got to go there. You've got to get to that bit, and that's not how I use plans. I use plans very differently. So my plans are things like they're a guide, they are a way to kind of get me from one place to another, but they flex. My plans flex, and that's not always easy. I think some people can become very rigid on their plans and very set on a destination. That's where I have to get to, and if I haven't got there, I've failed and therefore this plan has actually made things worse. But what I did with my son was we started to think about okay, well, where do you want to go? Where do you want to be? Where do you want to do? Where do you want to go? Where do you want to be? Where do you want to do. What do you want to do next?

Speaker 1: 5:30

Because we all need every human being needs to know or be a is moving towards something. We're not built to stay still. We're not built to stay in the status quo. There is always movement, whether we want it or not. Actually, sometimes there is always movement because things always change. Never things never stay the same and to support our mental health and our well-being is is having things to move towards can help, and to do that we need a plan and it might be so.

Speaker 1: 6:06

For example, my son. He would like to at some point, get back to school and that's our long-term plan. We've got a plan in there and it's how we're going to do that, and I saw the biggest shift in his mood, along with other things. This isn't just happening on its own, but when we gave a focus and a plan to where he is going. But we've also built in flexibility around that plan. We've built in that this plan could go off in a different direction and we're going to add to this plan and change it, and this plan isn't going to be the same today as it will be in a year's time. It flexes and it changes and it moves, because that's what we do as human beings. But what it does do is give him a focus and he's using that focus and we're tweaking things and moving things and okay, well, actually, even if you don't get to that end point, which is what we were looking at, that's okay and where might we end up? And things will flex and move as we go along.

Speaker 1: 7:10

But it does give us a sense of control when sometimes in our lives we don't have a lot of control and I was thinking about that as us, as parents, and you know, when I work with parents, I often we come up with a plan. I often talk about let's come up with a plan, but why? Why do we come up with these plans? It's a weird thing to do and I love a plan, as I said. You know, I think I've planned from a very young age. They make me feel safe, which, again, as I do remember the look I got when I actually voiced that out loud but they do they. They give me a sense of containment and a sense of being held in the plan. So it reduces my anxiety hugely when I've got a plan in place and I think, when I don't have a plan in place and I have to write things down.

Speaker 1: 8:02

For me, things have to be written down. I know there are some people who can have plans in their heads have to be written down. I know there are some people who can have plans in their heads. I'm not overly sure that's great, because I think things can happen and when we get very, very stressed and our stress responses kick in and we move into our fight flight freeze responses, being able to pull that information from our heads is probably going to be the light. Who's going to be tiny? That part of our brain will have gone offline. We'll be back in survival mode. But by having a plan written down, it takes some of that away, some of that demand away. So although we might think a plan brings demand, I think it actually lessens some demand cognitively on us, so it can reduce anxiety.

Speaker 1: 8:50

A plan you know kind of where you're going, you know what you're doing next, you know there's some steps that you're going to make and what you're going to move towards. You've thought things through. It can give you a sense of clarity. So I don't know about other people, but I think for me, as soon as parenting life started I've always been I struggle with kind of organization and clarity. I get loads of ideas but trying to organize it and get some clarity around it is tricky. When I introduced children to my life that blew that out the water. So plans for me, bring me, bring me, bring me, for me, bring, bring me, bring me, bring me. They bring me a clarity and a sense of clarity and a sense of control, like we talked about.

Speaker 1: 9:34

And sometimes you know, when we are in systems that don't allow us any control, that take control from us as parents and that might be the education system, sen systems, local authority systems, tribunal systems, where we lack a lot of control, that control is taken from us quite significantly, that it can bring back a sense of control, having those plans in place, and there are little things that you can control. So what can I create a plan around? Ok, what can I take control back of? And let's talk about a minute ago, let's talk about just a minute ago, less stress. So you don't have to figure it out in the moment that cognitive load we're reducing cognitive load. Figure it out in the moment that cognitive load, we're reducing the cognitive load. And please tell me there is not a parent out there that if I said to them, if we could lessen the cognitive load, they would go no, I don't need that. I think we all need that as parents being able to lessen the cognitive load and a bit like I'm running a small business.

Speaker 1: 10:44

Now it's kind of automating stuff. Now there's a big move towards automating stuff, stuff. So it might be automating your emails or finding a way that you can plan your social posts or all these kind of things now where we can automate systems. But actually by putting in a plan and having plans in place, that's almost automating our parenting in a way. You know, when you think about what types of plans might that be? Well, you know, I'm talking about a plan. What do I mean? What's a plan?

Speaker 1: 11:15

A plan about what you know, and it could be all sorts of things. It could be and I've talked about it in some of my trainings before a burnout plan, so a recovery plan from burnout, that if I know I'm going towards burnout, I have a plan in place that takes the cognitive load off me. It reduces my anxiety and makes me less frightened about heading and feeling those feelings. I've thought it out beforehand, I know what to do, and if it's written down and I can't do it, somebody else can help me. But by having it written down gives me a sense of safety.

Speaker 1: 11:51

But what other types of plans? So you might have a plan of action. So it might be, you know, going out, going out into the community, you know who, going out into the community? Out there, there's lots of variables and lots of things that can change and when we think one thing has been great this time, the next time we, we do it, it doesn't work. But having those kind of loose plans around, ok, well, maybe it's been somewhere, we've been before and we know where the toilets are, we know where a safe space is to get to if we need to. We know where there'll be food that everybody likes. We know where there'll be food that everybody likes.

Speaker 1: 12:28

So having those plans in place again takes that mental load off us, that cognitive demand off us, and allows us to be a bit more present in the moment, that we're not constantly thinking as we do as parents, all the time in the background. We're thinking, ok, what next? Where are we going next? Who needs what? When do they need it? How do they need? I need to do? How do I get there? How do we get off there? Oh my god, what's he doing over there? Oh my god, what's she doing over there. You know all those kind of things. It it's starting to take some of that cognitive demand off us.

Speaker 1: 13:03

Um, so I talked about it, other kind of types of plans I suppose I was just thinking about then. It could be a safety plan. It could be how do you keep yourself safe? How do you keep your kids safe? A plan around that that when people become dysregulated, when family, when we become dysregulated as a family, what's the plan? What do I know works? Have I thought this, this through? Do I know what my options are? It might be an exit plan. It might be that we know that we've got to go to such and such place. Okay, we're going to go, we're going to try it, but I know where my exit plan is, I know when to kick that exit plan in, I know where I can get support, I know all that kind of. So we've taken again that mental load off.

Speaker 1: 13:53

Because we have such a demand on our cognitive thinking as parents, especially when we're in additional needs kids, we're always thinking, oh, but what if? Oh but what if? Because it's never really sure. It's never really clear, you know, when you think you've got it pinned. It never fails to amaze me. Every time I think, yeah, I've got this, I've got this nailed. I know this, we've been here a hundred times before. I know I'm gonna handle it. And then we get there in something frozen spanner, in the works. But we do now have exit plans and they are sometimes written down. Sometimes they're not, but I know that when certain things start to happen, I've got a plan in place that my brain starts to go through, so that I know, and it gives me that sense of control, it gives me a sense of safety, it gives me some respite from my thinking and that cognitive demand and that cognitive load from my thinking. And that cognitive demand and that cognitive load Now I've put down here, because I keep my little notes down here just to make sure I don't go off on a complete tangent and be able to be talking two hours later. But I've put down here.

Speaker 1: 15:03

It doesn't work for everyone, but I'm not sure about that. I think a plan can work for everybody, but you have to tweak it. So some people will like plans to be very structured and very rigid and they need the plans and they need them to be. They need to be able to follow them. If you have plans like that, I think you have to also think about but what happens if that plan doesn't go according to plan, because that's another one and is the plan not going according to plan going to throw you completely off? So it's being aware that, although you might like that rigidity around the plan is, you've got to have some flex in there, because if we don't and the plan doesn't go according to plan, it can make things worse. So I think they do work, but I think possibly it's thinking about how a plan works for you. Are you someone that likes them written down? Are you someone that needs somebody else to kind of work through that with you?

Speaker 1: 16:11

And that's some of the work that I do with families is working through plans with them, thinking about OK, well, what does everyone need, what's everyone's sensory system, saying what's everyone's needs, that you know wherever we're going and how we get access things, or in the family home, or the stresses that we've got as parents, and trying to balance everything. I help parents come up with plans to organize and think about okay, what do I do if? How do I get in this? How do I find time for myself? We've got to put it in a plan. We've got to think about how we do it, because it's not just going to happen, it's very rarely just going to go. Oh, you know, I need to work out how I'm going to have time to myself, because I know that's really important. I'm rubbish at doing it. I think about it enough. It might just happen. Yeah, my experience is that's not going to happen. We need to have a it, we need to think about it. We need to put things in place to make it happen. So that's part of what I do is I work with families to help them with that. That's how they function and that is okay.

Speaker 1: 17:33

But plans and bringing in plans doesn't have to be for absolutely everything. It can be for those big bits, it can be for those stressful moments, it can be to help manage day to day, but we don't need to plan everything. Sometimes a bit of spontaneity can be nice. Some people prefer more spontaneity than others. Can be nice. Some people prefer more spontaneity than others. But the biggest thing is that that plan has to have some flex in it. It has to be able to flex and move with your family, with you, with the day, with the stresses, with what you have available to you in that moment. And it can't always be specific, tight, never changing, because life isn't like that. But for me, I think just to kind of round that off is thinking that there's something about a plan that can help and it can help us feel safer, it can help us feel calmer and it can help us feel less alone in the chaos and it can help us calm and quiet in the chaos and find a way through.

Speaker 1: 18:52

And when we are, like I talked about earlier, when we are in our stress responses and we are very overwhelmed, it is incredibly difficult to do that and what I don't want people to do is go away thinking I should just be able to come up with a plan and now I can't even do that. I'm rubbish at that and it must be me and I'm a terrible parent. When we are in our stress responses, our brain won't let us do that. It won't let us do it. Our brain is in survival mode. It's not in how do I reason, how do I plan, how do I organize. It's not in that, because actually that bit doesn't matter in those moments when our when our central nervous system and our brain and our body thinks we are at risk, it goes into its fight, flight, freeze responses and it is purely about survival and protection. And planning ahead is not where your brain is going to go. It's not the priority In that moment, in that second is what's priority.

Speaker 1: 19:51

So sometimes you need somebody to come and give you a hand with that, and me included, even with the job that I do, sometimes I need someone to sit down with me and just help me if I'm very overwhelmed by something. Work out some steps to do that. And where do you start with that? You start small. We don't go into it thinking, oh my god, I've got to plan everything because you don't. And, like I said, we don't want to plan everything which we within an inch of its life, because that's not real life and changes will happen and things will be thrown at us and we won't be able to plan for every eventuality. But if we can plan some little bits and just take the load off as parents, that makes things so much easier. So start small, start with little things, start with things that you feel. Actually I know that one quite well. Have a practice, do those things. And if you find that hard and if you're struggling in the moment, at the moment and things are really tricky, reach out, connect with me. You can do it on Instagram, you can do it on email, you can do it through Facebook, linkedin, if that's where you are, reach out, because sometimes we all need a hand. And that's not because you are failing. We are not failing and you are not failing. We sometimes just need a hand.

Speaker 1: 21:20

And if you've listened to the podcast my solo podcast from a couple of weeks ago, you'll remember I was talking about how easy is it to ask for help, and this is one of those moments that sometimes we need to ask for help and often our priorities are very low down the list, very low down the list. But if you've heard me talk about in my guest podcast that I've done with other people and gone on to other people's podcasts is the whole reason I do this is that parents are the linchpin. If we are not okay, it's probably I probably could say with certainty the rest of the family is not going to be okay and that's a lot of pressure, but it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense that if we are the things hold. We are the people holding it together that our needs become bottom of the list. Because if we fall apart, the family falls apart. So sometimes we need to ask for help and sometimes we need a bit of help. And that is not because you have failed as a parent. It is because you are a human being and at that moment your brain is trying to protect you and get you from one point to the next survival. In that moment it cannot think long term and that's nothing to do with you. It's a protection mechanism. It is automatic in us that at those points we all need a bit of help.

Speaker 1: 23:04

I'm going to stop there for today. It was thank you for joining me. Thanks for coming. As always, I appreciate your time. I appreciate you coming and joining me and listening.

Speaker 1: 23:14

If, um, you want to connect all the socials are in the show notes drop me a message a dm, and I like to hear back from people. And if you've got an idea about something you'd like to hear me talk about on the podcast, um, either a guest may be coming on. If there's a special guest that you think I'd love to hear them on the podcast and talking about their parenting journey. Let me know. I would love to know. I am all up for asking people.

Speaker 1: 23:37

Worst they can say is no, and if you want, if you've got any suggestions about any topics or little things you might like me to expand on or talk about in my solo podcasts, again, just drop me a message. I would love to hear from you. So all that leads me to say is take care and I'll see you soon. If this episode made you laugh out loud or feel a little less alone, why not buy me a coffee? Just click the link in the show notes. It's a small way to show your support and keep this podcast going. Take care of yourself. Today you're doing an amazing job.