The Wins That Matter: Strengths, Self-Esteem & Neurodivergent Parenting

Parenting in a neurodivergent family is many things. Boring is most definitely not one of them.

In this episode, I reflect on a listener message from Carla Berlin that perfectly captures something so many of us live every day: the exhaustion, the unpredictability, and those incredible moments where our children completely amaze us. The wins that might seem small to others, trying a new food, speaking up, managing an environment they couldn’t before, can feel absolutely monumental in our families.

I talk about why comparison to “typical” can so easily make us miss the brilliance right in front of us, and why our children’s strengths so often don’t fit neatly into the systems they’re expected to succeed in.

I also share a more personal story, about my own experience of being late-diagnosed dyslexic, the lasting impact of school, and why focusing only on outcomes rather than effort can be so damaging. This leads into a wonderful email I received from a parent whose child’s future may have shifted simply because someone finally listened.

This episode is about:

• Recognising and celebrating strengths
• Understanding why forced pathways can harm mental health
• And why those “small” moments are anything but small

If you’re parenting in a neurodivergent family, this one is for you.

Article mentioned in the episode:
More Than Words —  you can click here to read it

Chapters:

00:00 The Joys and Challenges of Neurodivergent Parenting
03:00 Personal Experiences with Dyslexia
07:19 Advocating for Strengths in Education

Transcript

Listener Insight: Never Boring

Exhaustion And Unexpected Wins

Rejecting “Typical” Comparisons

Small Milestones, Huge Meaning

Progress Needs Safety And Support

Dyslexia Story And School Shame

Beyond Words: Mental Health Impact

Play To Strengths, Not Systems

Outcomes vs Effort In Education

A Parent’s Email Changes Options

Winning Permission To Choose Arts

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Hi, we're back with parenting in a neurodivergent family is. So we've got feedback from you. We've got feedback and information from you that are listening out there, listeners, followers, and I'm so grateful for all that information that you have sent my way, all those thoughts and feelings you have about being a parent in a neurodivergent family. So the next one today that we have is a comment from Carla Bellin. And she writes, Parenting in a neurodivergent family is never boring. At times you'll be so exhausted you don't know how you're still functioning. But there are moments where they totally amaze you or conquer something that they couldn't do before. Those moments cannot be beaten. All children surprise their parents with brilliance, but it's heightened with neurodivergent parenting. Whether it's your child reading when you've not even taught them, or them suddenly embracing a new food, the wins are massive. Now, parenting generally is never boring, and I totally agree with that. And when we parent in neurodivergent families again, I don't think any of us would describe our life as boring. Nothing about our lives is boring. And I love the way that Carla talks here about just the amazing things that our kids will do. And yeah, it might not be in a straight line, and yeah, it might not be what's typically wanted. Actually, our kids have got so many amazing skills that sometimes when we are constantly forced to compare them against what is this typical, and I've never met typical yet in a child, or in an adult for that case. That when we're constantly kind of comparing our kids to what this typical should be, it's really, really easy to forget the amazing things that they can do and the amazing skills and abilities that they have got. So I love this from Carlo. I love this about how they can suddenly surprise you and they will though suddenly pop up with something, and you think, how on earth did you learn to do that? And those moments are just irreplaceable. I think they are those moments that stick with you as a parent forever and ever. And whilst other parents might take some of those smaller things for granted, and I think we've had in the past some uh comments from listeners that talk about actually those little moments or those little things that might seem inconsequential for other families are ginormous in our families. Little things like our kids finding and being comfortable and feeling safe enough to go to school. Little things like suddenly saying something in a situation they would never have done before, suddenly managing in an environment that they didn't manage in before. Now, none of those things happen by accident, none of those happen things happen by forcing our kids back into it. What happens is that we learn about our kids, we fight for our kids, and we find the strategies and the support systems to put in place around our kids. And that leads me on to wanting to just talk to you briefly about. I recently wrote an article for the SEM magazine, and it was about my experience of being dyslexic and late diagnosed dyslexic. And I go right back to my early years in school and talk about a story when I remember a teacher jumping up and down on her chair in front of the whole class shouting, there is only one E in Evans. And for some reason I could spell Elizabeth, but I couldn't spell. And there are two E's and Elizabeth. Are there? Yes, there are. It was one of those moments, you know, those moments from school that overheight burned into your memory. I can still feel the embarrassment. And was she being serious at the time? Probably not. She was probably joking, but it's never, ever left me. Along with things like a teacher that when we used to do spelling tests, if you got a certain number below a certain number, you had to stand on your chair in front of the whole class. Now, I hope, and I write in my article, I hope that this doesn't happen anymore. But there is a whole heap of parents out there that did go through that. Some of them might know they're dyslexic, and some of them might not know. And the impact that has had on us. But anyway, I have digressed, as sometimes I do. But what I wanted to talk about was I had an email from uh a mum who had been someone had come to her and said, listen to the podcast, and she had been given the podcast as a recommendation. But actually, I think off the back of that, I don't know how much or if she even listened to the podcast in the end, but it came across me on social media and came to hear that I had written this article for the SEM magazine about being dyslexic. And it isn't just the kind of, I don't just talk about the the reading and writing side of dyslexia that probably most people will know and talk to you about. What I spoke about in this, and it was called, I think it was I named it more than words, because actually what I was talking about was the mental health impact, the impact on our self-esteem and our well-being of being dyslexic or maybe even being undiagnosed dyslexic. And right at the end, I talk about what things I think would be helpful, I talk really, really, and I feel really strongly about this, is being able to play to a person's strength. So the education system is very built in a certain specific way, it often doesn't meet the needs of neurodivergent people, the learning styles often don't meet needs of neurodivergent people, but actually, like we were talking about, and Carla talks about, is that that they we all have special skills, we all have things that we are great at. And unfortunately, the education system doesn't always allow that to be nurtured and celebrated and encouraged. And my big plea in my article was to think do things like notice the effort rather than the outcome, that often dyslexic people are working really, really hard and the outcome doesn't reflect how hard they have been working. But it's also allowing those people to play to their strengths. Because if we push our kids through an education system that absolutely destroys their mental health, what do they think happens when those kids emerge scarred from an education system and out the other side into work? What do they think is gonna happen? So I my plea in that is to allow children to play to their strengths, to be able to be celebrated, to be encouraged in the things that they are amazing at. And it isn't just about the academics, it isn't just about being able to regurgitate facts in an exam. That isn't what makes you an amazing human being, that isn't what makes you even a good employee. So, but what was so lovely is that I got an email from a parent to say that her son has been diagnosed as dyslexic, um, amongst other things, and that he was due to be taking his options for his GCSEs. And he was being forced down a route of having to take a language, and apparently said things that I say also as well, is I can't even speak English a lot of the time and write English and read English, let alone make me do it in a different language. It's like when they used to make me read Shakespeare. It's awful for a dyslexic. But he was being made to pick a language, he was also being pushed towards the humanities and taking a number of humanities options, and with those comes a lot of lot of writing. And again, doesn't give a chance for him to showcase what he is amazing at. And his mum said to me, What he's brilliant at is the arts and music and all those kind of things, and actually that's what he needs to take more of. What is the point in pushing him down these routes that we know he struggles with? And the school were refusing to listen to that, to make changes. And she'd asked a couple of times and and and nothing had happened, and it that was what was having to happen. Anyway, she tried again for the last time, and she wrote back to the school and she attached my article. And the article specifically, she drew their attention to the last two paragraphs that I write. And I'm gonna link the article for you in the show notes. So if you're interested and want to have a read, then please do.

SPEAKER_00 9:30

It goes into a lot more detail. But what happened was the school agreed. Now I can't tell you what that email meant to me.

Why This Victory Matters

Link To Article And Farewell

SPEAKER_01 9:42

That something that I wrote that I feel was really difficult for me and I don't find easy to do, it was quite exposing for me as well to talk about what I've found difficult over the years, my job as well as at school. And to know that I'm managed to meet something in somebody else, as in they could use what I had written to make a difference, just means everything. And I feel really emotional about it that actually it possibly could change the trajectory of that kid's life, that he doesn't get forced down a route where his his social his so his self-esteem and his mental health end up in tatters because he's been forced down a route that actually isn't his skill set, and actually this kid could come out at the end with his mental health intact, with a good sense of who he is, and a good sense of what he's a brilliant at, and that he goes off into the world to live his life, and that means everything. So if you'd like to have a read, I'm gonna I'm gonna put it in the show notes. I will link it in there for you. Have a read. I hope it helps somebody else, like it helped that family. And again, keep your emails coming in. I'd love to hear from you.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

All that leads me to say is take care, and I'll see you soon.