50 Episodes In.... Here's What I Know About Parenting (And What I don't)

I recorded this one in my car, on my phone, because the irony finally caught up with me: I cannot keep talking about untypical parenting and ditching perfection while I’m secretly trying to manufacture a “perfect” milestone episode. So I just got on with it and recorded it, in my car. 

Episode 50, I can't quite believe it. This episode is an honest reflection on what I’ve learned from fifty conversations with parents and guests across neurodivergent, additional needs, and SEND family life, as well as through my own experiences as a parent. 

We get into the lessons that have actually changed how I parent day to day. 
I also share the things I still don’t know and maybe never will: what the future holds, whether a choice is the “right” decision, and when it’s the right time to jump. 

I finish with the things that help keep me going. And a big massive thank you to all the guests that have joined me on the podcast and all the listeners that tune in and choose to spend their time with me. 

Looking forwards to spending the next 50 episodes with you.

Take care you lovely lot

Here’s the link for the post with guests talking about what it was like to be on the podcast 🤩

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DVq_mTXjY9v/?igsh=MWd5NmpqaWI3c2gxYg==

Transcript

Recording The 50th In A Car

Lessons From Fifty Episodes

You Are Doing Your Best

There Is No Normal Timeline

Living With Uncertain Futures

Decisions Without Perfect Proof

Letting Go Of Control

When To Jump Anyway

Small Wins And Finding A Way

Easier Is Not Guaranteed

Thanks, How To Reach Me

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Well, this is untypical. I have been sitting waiting to make this podcast recording. So if you don't know me, this is the Untypical Parent Podcast. I am Liz Eddins, I am your host. And this episode, would you believe it, is the 50th episode of the podcast. I can't believe it. And I've been sitting on this podcast for I can't tell you how long. I've been knowing I've got to make it. I've had ideas here, ideas there, not quite sure. Was this right? Was that not right? All of that stuff that goes on when we are trying to make something I realised that was perfect. So this has been meant to be been recorded ages ago. And I've been sat in a coffee shop in between where I'm meant to be for some work today, and suddenly thought I just need to record it. I cannot have a podcast talking to you lot out there about not being perfect, about being the untypical parent, and there's no such thing as perfect. And I am trying to create the perfect 50th episode. So I thought, do you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go really, really untypical. I'm gonna go record it in my car. So I'm not even on my recording platform. I'm on my phone in my car recording you the 50th episode of the podcast. And what I wanted to talk to you all about today, and I decided I was gonna have a chat about was what I've kind of learned along the way. And you probably have heard me talk about podcasting and how much I love podcasting, and you might think that's a bit strange, but I really, really do love podcasting. I love being able to chat to other people, I love learning from other people, and what I thought was over the last 50 episodes, what have I learned? And what I wanted to do is talk to you about some things that I think I now know as a parent, but also some things that I don't know as a parent still. Or yet, maybe I will know them at some point. Some of them I think I'll never know. But I wanted to share those with you, and I hope it will be helpful and a little bit interesting about maybe some things you haven't thought about or considered about parenting in a neurodivergent, an additional needs family, an SE and D family, whatever family you are in. So that's what I thought I was going to do. I'm gonna spend the next kind of five, ten minutes just chatting through some of these three things that I think I've learned and three things that I still don't know about parenting. And then I want to do a few thank yous at the end and don't disappear. Please don't disappear at the end because actually it's really important that I get to say thank you to the people that have made the podcast and make it what it is for you that I can put out and I hope helps parents out there that maybe are having a hard time at the moment or finding life a bit tough. So I think I'm gonna kick off with my first one. I've I've had to write things down. I'm in the car, I can't show you all the mess that's around me. I've got bags and lunch and notebooks and all sorts of stuff, and I've had to write them down because I kind of feel like I'm just going for it and coming at you from the car, not even near home. So one of the first things that I think I have learnt from doing the Untypical Parent podcast is I set off with this perfection and tried to dispel the myth of being perfect. And where that came from was it was something that I have struggled with, and I struggled with perfection generally. Um and I think Heidi Mavar, one of the guests that's been on the podcast, talked about she's a recovering perfectionist. Was it Heidi? I can't remember. Sorry, Heidi, if it wasn't you. But talking about being a recovering perfectionist, and I think that's something for me that I have found very, very difficult. And I did have this very, very ideological idea in my head that I had to be the perfect parent. And that's a bit about where the podcast came from in the first place. So I think the things that I have learned are and that I now know about my parenting, is that I am doing my best. In that moment, with the skills that I have available to me, with what I know, because we only know what we know, I am doing my best, and that is enough. Tomorrow I might know more, and I'll do differently tomorrow. I'm not even going to say I'll do better tomorrow. I'll just do differently tomorrow if I know something more. But right now, in this moment, I am doing the best that I can for my kids, and sometimes for me as well, but for my kids, always I am doing the best that I can. So that was one of the first things that I think has really I think through all the conversations that I've had with all the people that have been on, it's really settled that for me now. I feel much more confident in that I am doing my best, and actually, so's everybody else. When I talk to everybody else, none of them are perfect, none of them that I've spoken to think they have got it all pinned, and actually we are all just jumbling along the best way that we can with the information and what we know at the time. Another one I jotted down here in my coffee shop with a cup of tea, and I might add a really, really good piece of granola, which I shouldn't probably have had, but it was really nice. So the next thing I popped down was there's no normal timeline for you or your kids. And we get told a lot of the time, especially when our kids are struggling, there's lots of assessments around you know, developmental norms, this is the norm, this is where they should be, this is where normal kids are. Whatever a normal kid is, I've never met one and I've never met a normal person. I don't know what they are either. That actually there is no normal guideline, there is no normal timeline. Yes, you know, there are guidelines out there, but they're guidelines, and we'll all do things differently at different times, and that goes for us as parents as well as our kids. So there's a couple of things that I think I now do know. I'm gonna pop in now a couple of things that I think I still don't know. The biggest one for me is I still don't know what the future holds. And I'm a planner, so I like to know the ifs, buts, maybes, what ifs, and plan around those, and not knowing what the future is gonna look like has been a really, really hard transition for me. And I have come to that conclusion and I have settled again with becoming more comfortable around I don't know what the future's gonna hold. I'm gonna do my darndest, I want to say that in an American accent. I'm gonna do my darndest to make sure that it's the very best that I could possibly create for myself and for my kids. But I don't know what it's gonna look like, and I don't know where we're gonna be in three years' time, in five years' time, in ten years' time, and I'm trying really, really hard not to think that far ahead. Spending more time in the moment, which again is something I find really tricky, finding more time to spend in the moment, in those little things, and trying not to think too far ahead. Yeah, we've got to think a little bit far ahead because we've got a plan, we've got to move things forward, but not going too far ahead with everything. The other thing that I think I have come to realise is I'm never ever gonna know if my decision is the right decision. And again, this is something that I've struggled with is that I want to make the right decision. I've got my inverted comers around that. But and what is the right decision? That's a really, really hard thing. And I think a bit like with the other one that I talked about is what would the future look like, and this bit about having the right decision is that we kind of almost set ourselves up to fail. It'll it'll leave us scrabbling and trying to find a way forward. But and how will we ever know when it is perfect or the right decision? And I just feel like over the years I've probably spent a lot of time wasted thinking about is this the right decision? And I think what I now feel comfortable with is a bit like some of the other ones that I talked about earlier, is that I'm making the decision that is best for us in that moment with the information that I know with what I have available to me, because that's what a parent does. We do the best that we can in the moment, but and trying to move away from whether a decision is right or it is wrong, and that's really hard. And if you go back, there's an old there's a podcast from a couple of weeks ago, maybe a bit longer, where I've been talking about when do we know is the right time? And again, it's a bit like when do we know is it the right decision? And it can be really, really hard to trust in our judgment, trust in systems that we know let us down. But trust is often the thing I think that breaks first when I think about our journey through education. Trust was the thing that broke first for me, and it's hard to bring that trust back again. So it's knowing that my decision was the right decision at that time, and I'm only actually ever gonna know later whether it was the right decision, but it was the best decision that I could make at that moment. I'm gonna flip back to what is it I now know, what have I kind of settled on and become more comfortable with over the 50 episodes that we have uh produced over the last year and a bit for the Untypical Parent Podcast. Another one, which probably a lot of you will go, yeah, yeah, I know that one, is I can't control everything. I work flipping hard to try and make it happen sometimes. But there are times when I have to step back and go, I'm gonna let that one go. It's knowing when to keep going and keep fighting and when to sidestep. Sometimes it isn't about backing down because I find that bit hard. It's about sidestepping, and okay, I'm gonna let that one go, but I might come at it from a different angle. And I think that's really, really helped me, and I've definitely that has become something much easier for me to live by and has made life a lot easier is knowing that I can't control everything as much as I want to. And when it comes to our kids, we feel that we have to and we need to, however, we are setting ourselves up to fail if that's what we are trying to do. So that was one of them. I'm gonna flip back to ones that maybe I don't know, is when to jump, when to give things a go. And this is really prominent for me at the moment, and I think again, listening to all the guests that have been on, questions from uh you those of you that listen is knowing when is the right time to do something with our kids for ourselves, and it's really hard, and I don't think I'm ever gonna know that. Um, so this isn't even something that I think I'll it you know we'll develop or I'll learn and we go along the way. It's an acceptance, I suppose, that one is when is the right time to jump, and again, it it just it links into all the other things that I've spoken about in this episode is that you're never gonna know. You can do your very best to plan and to try and make things as seamless as possible and as safe as possible, but sometimes sometimes we have to close our eyes and jump. And I'd say I know that's not easy and sometimes I have to jump holding on the hand of somebody else. But we do c we do have to jump. We do have to sometimes just take a run at it and jump and acknowledge that it's gonna be scary and talk to our kids about how scary that's gonna feel, because that's gonna happen in their lives, it happens in our lives as adults, that's what they're gonna grow into, but there will be times when they don't know is this the right time to do something, and I'm gonna have to just jump. We can put in the protective factors, we can try and make it as easy as possible and put in as many safety nets as we can, but ultimately sometimes we just have to jump. What do I know? Another one that I know is that the small wins count and they count a lot. I spend my days now every day, I think even with I think without fail, actually, if I'm think properly, nearly every day looking for a small win on our day, and that has flipped things for me in relation to my mental health and my well-being. It's flipped things in my motivation to do things and my drive and ability to keep going. And I don't mean keep going in the fact that I will exhaust myself, I mean keep going in the fact that I do believe and I know that we're gonna find a way. I I I'm I'm unshakable on that one, and I do know that one. We will find a way. Don't know what it's gonna look like. Not sure how we're gonna get there, but I am absolutely unshakable on that one. We will find a way. There isn't another option, we will find a way. Whether we have to go in true dyslexic style, out in a really weird angle and come back at it, we will find a way, and so will you. You will find a way. And the last one I suppose that I wanted to end on was thinking about what I don't know is I don't know whether this is ever gonna get easier. People keep saying to me, Oh, wait, you know, it'll get easier. At some point it'll get easier, and I feel like I spent a long time in my life waiting for my parenting to get easier. And I feel like I've wasted time. I feel like I've wasted time waiting. And we all go through really hard times, and I'm not pretending to know the the difficulties that others listening have been through. There would be people that have been through more difficult things than me. There'll be people that haven't been through the things that I have been and will look at me and go, I don't know how you've got through that bit. We all go through things that are difficult. But do I know whether they get easier? I've had to flip it because I don't know that they do, but I do know they will get different. And that's probably terrible grammar. Terrible, terrible grammar. But I do know that things will get different and that's the bit I sit on now. Rather than waiting for things to get easier I ride with uh I know they're gonna be different. But things will change and it'll just be different. Yeah, there'll be times when it's easier and but we can't guarantee those bits, but what I can guarantee is I can guarantee it will be different. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe next week, but at some point it will be different, and there'll be something else, and you'll be going in different directions, and that's the bit I can control is knowing that it will be different, not that I can always make it easier. Anyway, that is my 50th episode. I I want to say thank you. Thank you so much for being here, for listening, for downloading. I love to hear from you. If you've got a message, if something we spoke I've spoken about today has really hit home or has helped a little bit to get you through your week this week, let me know. You can reach out on any of like Instagram, Facebook, uh, you can drop me an email, you can do a text response in the show notes. But what I want to say is a huge, massive, massive thank you to all the guests that have been on the podcast. There's a couple of um posts out there, one from Libby Hill, I might say, putting out a warning about what it's like to come on my podcast, which slightly shook me until I realised it was a good warning. But actually, if you go on, it's a really good experience to come onto the podcast. I was really pleased to see that after I got over the initial, oh my god, what have I done wrong? Um so thank you for that, Libby. And also thank you to the others. There was a post on Instagram that went out asking what it was like to be on the podcast. And if you're interested, go have a look at that post. I will try and tag it in the show notes because actually it was really nice to hear the guests come back and talk about what it was like to be on the podcast. Because I don't only create the podcast for you as listeners, that is really important. You are the the core of it. But what I also am really, really, I thought it was really important is that every single one of my guests that comes onto the podcast feels safe, looked after, and that I am grateful for their time and their thinking and their expertise and their knowledge and their sh and their confidence and their bravery to come and share. We've had people come onto the podcast that have shared hugely personal stories. Some have become upset, some have talked about the amazing stuff that's happened in their families, but each of them, each and every single one of them, has shared something about their lives as a parent, um, as living in a neurodivergent family, an additional needs family, an S E and D family. And I am incredibly grateful for that because the podcast is it, they are part of the podcast, and I wouldn't be without them. The podcast for me is about the conversations, it is about the guests. You'll get these little ones from me, but I actually think and what I enjoy most is the conversations with my guests, and I want to do a big, massive, special thank you to each and every single one of them. There are too many to mention, but if you are interested in other areas, other podcasts, go back and look through the library. There is loads in there, loads and loads and loads. And if you are new to the podcast, welcome. There is loads to go and listen to. As I say, go back and have a look and a listen. Welcome to the Untypical Parent Podcast. We love questions, we love thoughts and opinions, we love guest suggestions. I've had a couple of those recently, so I'm definitely following up on those. As we now head into and towards, would you believe 5,000 downloads? We aren't far off. I'm going to let you know when we get there. 5,000 downloads, we are nearly at. And we head now for the next 50 and celebrating a hundred episodes of the podcast. I hope you'll stick with me. Thanks for being a listener and take care, and I will see you all soon.