Fractured Ink: Writing In Life's Chaos (audio)

Schizophrenia and CPTSD, my experience

• Diana Dirkby

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Navigating life at the intersection of paranoid schizophrenia and Complex PTSD is like walking a tightrope during an earthquake. The delusions and hallucinations of schizophrenia become more intense and personal when filtered through the lens of childhood trauma. When I experience a relapse, my CPTSD doesn't simply coexist with my schizophrenia—it amplifies it, creating a perfect storm of symptoms that can be overwhelming without proper support.

My journey with these dual diagnoses began long ago. Growing up with a mother who had schizophrenia provided me with both insight and fear about the condition I would later develop myself. Meanwhile, childhood experiences, including sibling abuse, laid the groundwork for Complex PTSD that would complicate my mental health landscape for decades. These experiences inspired my novels "The Overlife: A Tale of Schizophrenia" and "Three Kidnapped: Three Siblings, Three Furies"—creative expressions of the realities I've lived.

What I find most challenging is how these conditions interact in unexpected ways. During episodes, paranoia convinces me that others wish me harm, while childhood trauma resurfaces, making me feel vulnerable and unsafe again. Twenty years ago, my spouse insisted I break contact with my brother after witnessing his treatment of me and my subsequent CPTSD diagnosis—a difficult decision that proved necessary for my well-being. Yet during relapses, he still appears in my delusions as a figure of judgment and threat, bridging past trauma and present paranoia. With the support of dedicated mental health professionals and a loving spouse, I continue to navigate this complex mental landscape. By sharing my story openly, I hope to reach others who may be suffering without understanding why, demonstrating that honest discussion about mental health struggles can lead to healing and hope. Whether you live with similar conditions or support someone who does, know that recovery is possible, even with multiple diagnoses.

#siblingabuse #childsexualabuse #greekmyths #kidnapping #thriller #horror #fiction #confession #samehere #notmyshame

Here are my website and social media credentials: https://aussiemathematician.io/

https://dianadirkbywrites.com

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My YouTube channel @Diana DirkbyWrites (https://www.youtube.com/@DianaDirkbyWrites)

Amazon affiliate link for “The Overlife, A Tale Of Schizophrenia,” by Diana Dirkby: https://amzn.to/44Rhx5z and for “Three Kidnapped, Three Siblings, Three Furies,” by Diana Dirkby: https://amzn.to/43CRLzY. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.


Diana Dirkby:

Hello. Today I want to talk about living with paranoid schizophrenia and CPTSD. Living with schizophrenia, as did my mother, inspired me to write my novel the Overlife, a Tale of Schizophrenia, and trauma from my childhood has left me with CPTSD. My CPTSD helped to motivate the writing of my novel Three Kidnapped, Three Siblings, Three Furies. I have spoken a lot about my schizophrenia on my website Blog and during my first podcast series Schizophrenia as I Live it.

Diana Dirkby:

To refresh, let me summarize key features of paranoid schizophrenia. Paranoia: a pervasive suspicion and distrust, often believing others are trying to harm them. Delusions: false beliefs that are firmly held despite evidence to the contrary, often involving themes of persecution, grandiosity or jealousy. Hallucinations: Sensory experiences that seem real but are not, most commonly auditory hallucinations, like hearing voices. I myself also have visual hallucinations during a relapse. Cognitive functioning: Individuals with paranoid schizophrenia generally maintain relatively normal cognitive abilities and emotional responses compared to other types of schizophrenia, with delusions and hallucinations being the most prominent symptoms. While this may be generally true, my cognitive functioning takes a hit during a relapse. This summary is rough in that people with schizophrenia may experience some symptoms more than others, and not all these symptoms at once. In the episode description. I will remind you of E Fuller Torrey's outstanding reference on schizophrenia.

Diana Dirkby:

What is CPTSD? It stands for complex post-traumatic stress disorder, a mental health condition that develops after experiencing prolonged or repeated trauma, often involving abuse or neglect. Therefore, it relates to my childhood experiences, as I discussed in my previous podcast Sibling Abuse and the Greek Myths. I suffered abuse as a child, including sibling abuse. It's closely related to PTSD, but PTSD is typically associated with a single traumatic event or several traumatic events over a shorter period. In contrast, CPTSD is often associated with chronic or ongoing trauma, such as child abuse, as already mentioned, or domestic violence.

Diana Dirkby:

What are its symptoms? Like the case of schizophrenia, the way CPTSD reveals itself varies from person to person, but here is a list of well-recognized symptoms Irregular emotions, Difficulty managing emotions, including intense mood swings. Difficulty controlling anger and feeling overwhelmed by emotions. Negative self-perception. Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, guilt and a negative view of oneself. Relationship difficulties, challenges in forming and maintaining healthy relationships due to trust issues. Difficulty with intimacy and fear of abandonment. Dissociation, feeling detached from oneself, one's body or the world around them. Disturbances in self-organization. This symptom includes difficulties with emotional regulation, negative self-view and interpersonal challenges, as with the list of typical symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia. The above summary of the effects of CPTSD may not fit precisely with everyone with CPTSD. We are all different, but that doesn't necessarily make either the symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia or of CPTSD less intense for one as opposed to another.

Diana Dirkby:

In my podcast Schizophrenia as I Live it and my book the Overlife, I have shown at length how I live my schizophrenia and how my mother lived hers most differently. In my previous podcast episode entitled Sibling Abuse and the Greek Myths, I described some of the origins of my CPTSD. What causes CPTSD? I'll give some examples: Childhood emotional neglect, witnessing frequent violence and abuse, growing up in poverty or unsafe living environments, frequent exposure to substance use in childhood and growing up with a parent with a severe mental illness. If you have been following my podcasts, as well as the contents of my two novels, The Overlife and Three Siblings, you'll understand that I live with Ss\chizophrenia and CPTSD. What I want to convey today is that my schizophrenia and my CPTSD interact extremely strongly. When I have a relapse of my schizophrenia, the CPTSD makes the symptoms of my schizophrenia much more challenging to handle. What do I mean by this messy mix? It's best to provide examples.

Diana Dirkby:

When I am sick with schizophrenia, I do feel persecuted. At its extreme, this symptom convinces me that everyone but my spouse wants me to commit suicide. That includes my brother. My mother and father are no longer alive. My wise spouse insisted 20 years ago that I completely break with my brother, after witnessing how he treated me and after I received a diagnosis of CPTSD from childhood experiences from a well-known doctor. Initially I felt guilty about making the break, but now I recognise it as the right choice.

Diana Dirkby:

By the way, my brother has gone on to be happy, wealthy and has children and grandchildren. From his perspective, he doesn't want his children associated with me, because of my schizophrenia. My brother and his wife indulge in all the common stigmas, even though my brother grew up with a mother he loved who lived with schizophrenia. Despite the solution to keep my brother and me apart, I still feel his presence when I am ill with schizophrenia and not stabilised. This condition can arise due to stress or the need to adjust my medication dosage. I feel I am being persecuted and I believe, despite the break with him, that my brother is one of the main people judging my past and agreeing that I should be put to death. Even though my father is no longer alive, his violent episodes with me in my childhood come to mind when my schizophrenia is relapsing and I am afraid of him as if he were still able to hurt me. Despite my extreme fear of schizophrenia, with CPTSD I am never violent and now understand that this is a concern for me and my doctors. My spouse is always supportive, which helps enormously.

Diana Dirkby:

I have only given a few examples of what happens when my schizophrenia and CPTSD combine. I feel that's enough for today. In particular, I find it hard to talk about these subjects. That's why I have an excellent psychologist and an equally excellent psychiatrist. I am fortunate that I at least have a diagnosis. Others live with the side effects of schizophrenia and CPTSD without knowing why. It's my goal to be frank about my life so others can see that my confessions do not harm me or anyone else, but may lead to much-needed solutions for people suffering from mental health problems. Thank you for listening, if you're listening to the audio version or watching, if you're watching this on YouTube.