The Men, ManOPause, and Making Peace

"Men, ManOPause, MenOpause, walk into a midlife crisis...and Erika M's got the mic.  In this episode #3- Erika M addresses the elephant in the room no one wants to talk about.  Yes, the gritty, unspoken truth about Erectile Dysfunction, Vaj's that turned into an oasis much like the Sahara Desert. She unpacks the hot, sweaty truth about hormone havoc, performance pressure, and why peace feels like a luxury item after 50. 

It's RAW, it's REAL, and yes, somene's definitely getting called out."

Chapters

• 0:23 Welcome to the Journey
• 3:07 Embracing Change at Midlife
• 5:58 Understanding Menopause
• 10:46 The Silent Struggle
• 14:27 Breaking the Stigma
• 19:32 Navigating Relationships
• 24:14 The Elephant in the Bedroom
• 27:12 Solutions for Everyone
• 28:42 The Sacredness of Intimacy
• 30:13 Final Thoughts and Reflections

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

You're listening to Heart to Hearts with Erica M. Where midlife isn't a crisis, it's a calling. Unfiltered, unapologetic, and oh so real. Let's talk about it, shall we? Now here's your host, Erica M.

SPEAKER_01: 0:20

Welcome back, my loves. This is Erica M. How are you? Well, if you're here, you're either curious, courageous, or officially done tolerating the unspoken BS that hits at midlife. Welcome. Me too. Today's tea, it's hot, it's healing, and laced with truth. We're talking about the men, the menopause, and the making of peace. Yeah, let's just get into it because honestly, that's a big mouthful right there. Menopause, menopause, and men. I'm flaring my throat on that one. Yeah, it's been a big doozy. No one prepared me for hitting 50 was not Let's just say hitting 40, 45 was something, but then hitting 50 and then 53 and 54 really changed everything. Yeah. So what can I tell you? The truth is no one prepares us for this wild mess. And that's the truth. It comes after 45-ish. The hormones, the crashing. I mean, honestly, the hormones are like the biggest part. So let's really emphasize that you need to get that worked on early in your 40s if you're listening. That doesn't mean that if you're like late like me and no one told you that you can't do that, but we'll get into that soon. So yeah, your hormones will crash like waves and yeah, the men will disappear like little, like mister or miguitas as I call this, you know, that means little ants. The silence that we have to endure and we suffer in silence. That's a huge part of this. The the like silent anger that kind of seeps out and then explodes and the power you didn't even know, you know, that was buried under years of people pleasing kind of just bursts out through this experience. And I think that's why so many of us go through metamorphosis. So like last year around this time, I couldn't walk, right? You remember that in my last episode and I couldn't stand. I was in my hospital bed literally this time last year. fighting pain in my bones, in my hips, in my back as an avid spinner and yoga person. Yoga off and on my whole adult life, but spinning was my thing. So it's no wonder now that I think about it that my spine and both of my hips are where they are. And no one told me what to do about taking vitamin D or making sure I had good bone density at a young age so that I could prepare and plan for it. But you need to. So yeah, this is kind of like a pain in my soul that I want to share with everyone. Yeah, at that time last year, I was going through all this. And not just physically down, but emotionally, honestly, wrecked. Spiritually, like I was cracked open like I'd never been. I thought I'd been cracked open. I mentioned this before. And I remember thinking, I really shouldn't be alive right now, but here I am. And I mentioned that in my last episode. And that's all I could think about was, why am I here? What's my purpose? Why am I going through this? And I started like sifting through my life and like the chapters, like when I was one to 10 and 10 to 20 and 20 to 30 and 30 to 40. Now I'm 40 to 50. Now I'm in my fifties going 50 to 60. It's not going slow guys. Um, so this episode is for the women who cry in the shower or in their car like me or in their pillow when they can't handle it anymore. And they scream, by the way, I want to make an official crying pillow. And, uh, Either, you know, we go through that and we don't share it. We don't, hopefully no one sees us, right? Mostly in the shower, they don't. In the car, most people do. But I try to not have that be a thing. But what I'm trying to say is that here we are women, right? Who are making power moves during the day. And usually with men who want to love us, but then don't know how to handle our evolution. And a lot of our stress and our distress and just the caveats that go with aging, you know, it's just, It just leaves you sort of dumbfounded. So here I am like one of the ones that are trying to rewrite her chapter two. I'm here with intention and with clarity and with purpose and power using my voice because my voice is all I have. And before I go any further, I do want to disclose that I am not, and I should do this because it's for my attorney says I have to. for legal purposes. This platform is a mixed bag of facts, alleged information, personal perspectives, and opinions. Nothing I say is written in stone, journalistic, which is cute, or legal in any way. Consider this my disclaimer. Also, this is a platform for those 18 and over, because let's be real, we're going to talk about some raw, unfiltered topics. I will do my best to keep it clean, but sometimes, especially when the conversation gets hot, hmm, A little slip of the tongue might happen. So you've been warned. All right. So now that that's out of the way legally. So where I was going with this is that here I am. It's my second chapter. I'm here with intention. I'm here with clarity. I'm here with purpose, finally, because I finally figured it out. And yeah, the men, I should say, the menopause is real. It's really real. It should be called menopause because they do pause when we get into menopause. And it changes. Sex changes. Everything changes. All of it does. I'm not going to lie to you. Your skin changes. Your body vaginal health changes, just like for men, you know, with their erectile dysfunctions at their certain ages. And I'm sorry, I'm going to say it. I'm going to lay it out the way it is. It's not going to be sugar-coated. There's no boundaries here. If we can talk about my, you know, hormones and menopause, and you guys can talk about your menopause and going through your ED and having your own set of symptoms instead of, you know, midlife crises yourselves. So let me just say this. This midlife is not a crisis. It's a clearing. We're all clearing. And the piece of it all, you know, like the episode is stating, you know, men, menopause and making peace. It isn't passive. It's a decision. It's boundaries. I'm saying I'm not going to do this anymore in this way. So, you know, we're going to speak about healing. And that's where we're at. So one piece of my heart is now dedicated to giving voice to women and their suffering. And If this episode's moved, if I'm sorry, I can't even talk right now. If my episodes move you, please don't fret. Subscribe. Okay, so if no one told you this today, you're not broken and you're not too much and you're not behind and you're not late. You know, you can hit restart anytime and your badge can also hit restart. There's things that you can take and there's so many like solutions today, but that many people don't discuss openly. So let's get bold and let's get peaceful and let's find out what's this about, you know, because literally it's always about way more than we lead on. And for me, it's about the silent unraveling of my body that's very raw and very loud. And it's a rebirth of sorts, if you will. And trying to make peace with that has been such a struggle. And I want to say this loudly and very empathetically to others who haven't gone through it yet. You will be going through this. And it's inevitable. You're going to age just like all of us. So anyone listening with judgment or laughing, get ready, my darling. There's no escaping this unless you're dead. All of us going through this, none of us are going to get out alive. And through it, we have to make the best decisions we can. So, yeah, we're going to have fights with our bodies and our hormones and our pasts and the version of ourselves that we left behind and the ones that we still think that we need to be, as I've been doing. And let me tell you something personal. As I said, you know, last year around this time, I couldn't walk and I could barely stand, but it opened my eyes to what was really broken in my life. And it wasn't my body. It was my soul. So there's something sacred about breaking and I want it to be okay. I want it to be something we share and that it's all right to say, you know what, I've got ED and I'm taking blah, blah, blah. Or I've got this issue with sex lately that it's not like it used to be. I'm dry, it's Sahara Desert, and everyone says, oh, just take podrestrone and estrogen. And it's like, well, you can't take one without the other because it can be carcinogenic. And so I'm like, great. And I'm just throwing a pill in a patch and I'm told to go home. The doctor literally did not spend more than 10 minutes on me before... doing my pap smear, taking what he needed to do and leaving, then coming back with my results. And, you know, I just cried in my own silence because I was very angry at how I felt and I felt so unheard and unseen. I felt a sort of silent rage and it was like building over the years and I would see myself snapping, snapping and people were like, oh my God, like what is her problem? But I'd be like breaking out in mid conversation to sweats that were like as if I'd ran a mile, literally no joke. So I'm here to tell you, you're not crazy. You're evolving. And men, before you get into it, I know that some of you can't handle it. that our evolution is too much for you, that aging can be so, oh my God, her skin changed. Well, yours is too. I was going to say something. Yours is also. And let me just explain something. While we don't go around discussing things, you guys definitely don't go around discussing things either. But we have to. Because if we want this to change, we have to open up to it. So yeah. There is something I used, and everyone whom I've spoken to has used some sort of cheat, if you will, with your hormones. And that would be how it impacts you sexually. It impacts your sex drive, your mood, your memory weight, your memory and weight, and confidence. And then you've got the whole thing, like I mentioned, the vaginal atrophy, which is dryness and emotional distance in relationships, by the way, not just down there. because it does get dry, like everything sort of halts. And I'll remember like the moment I felt like, oh, wow, wow, this is different. So how many of you, and I'm just asking this, obviously, how many of you have gone through this where you feel like you're losing yourself and you're less attractive or less feeling sexy? I've been there, I've been there, but I'm here to tell you, you can get it back. You can claim it right back and better. You know, it's just about getting on the right bio-identical path hormones. So see a doctor. I am not a doctor. I am just telling you my personal experiences. And try your best to find your path. Because if you don't, by the time you're 50, you might have osteoporosis. Well, it's called arthritis in your bones. I don't really ever know how to say it correctly. Osteosterosis and another one. But that's what happens to us women. We lose bone density and we get bad hips, bad spines, and blah. And then all of a sudden, you know, it sucks. So let me just start with the realest thing I ever said on this mic. And I didn't even know I was in menopause. I really didn't. I thought I was losing my mind, to be honest with you. I forgot my names. My name, no. I forgot names. See, I can't even talk sometimes. Dates. All the time forgetting where I put my keys or in mid-conversation just going, what did I just say? And like, Stepping back and saying, what is going on here? And at the same time, I lost my desire. If you want to be honest, perfectly honest in my entire life, I lost the desire to be intimate. Not to mention the last heartache I had, which ended horribly in 23, late 23. which was a situationship, by the way, that's all I ever want to call it, because what I will say about that is that it really affected me in my hormonal menopausal, post-menopause, because I'm out of it now, at 54. I'd started mine about 48, but like I said, I'd forgot things. I was so like in brain fog. And you know, like I said, desire for sex and desire for people even, and desire for me, for me, just was like whittled down to Forcing myself, you know, like I'd look in the mirror and I didn't recognize myself anymore. And no one warned me that estrogen holds more than fertility. You know what I mean? It holds memory, your moisture, your glow, your sex drives, your damn identity. Literally, people. And yeah, I mourned it. And in the middle of that morning, I watched men, good men, confused men, try to fix it for me. Try to be the Superman in that moment. Or they'd say, you're fine. You just need to rest. You'll still be beautiful to me. But then they weren't seeing me the way that I was seeing me at the times that I was going through. They were just seeing me intermittently in between, you know, like, but they were just trying to rescue a version of me I had already outgrown. And men, if you're listening, we don't need you to save us. We need you to hold space for us while we save ourselves. This isn't a damsel in distress story. This is a Phoenix, I'm rising the F up story. Okay. So yeah, there's that. So let's talk about that a little bit more. What I used was Bonafide and I'm not sponsored by them. I'm not at all in any way, shape or form affiliated with them, at least not yet. And you can look it up online, Google it. Bonafide is something you insert in your vagina for dryness and atrophy. And it's real and it's painful sex if you don't use things. And if you don't get on other hormonal things, it will always be painful. And so for weight gain, what can I tell you? I did what most people do. I cut back. I stopped eating as much. And I started really focusing on how I was eating and what I was eating even more than I was before. Now, am I a complete... Health nut, I'm pretty good at eating. I gotta be honest. I've always been a more curvy girl and my weight has always fluctuated simply because I have hypothyroidism since I was 11 years old, guys. And that was when my weight started packing on and I wouldn't have to eat to pack it on. So it's essential for you to actually go to an endocrinologist and have your hormones taken when you're going through this. And before that, check your thyroid levels, lady. It's a super important thing. super, super important. How that affects your weight gain is literally like on top of the top. Okay. So I can't, I can't accentuate that enough. It's been my number one crutch, my weight, because let's face it, we live in a beauty standard, a society that really wants you to all be nines or tens, you know, and then 11s even. And they, and these are men who are like five, eight with receding hairlines and, you know, chiclets for teeth and, who knows, like personas that are fake that expect these dropped in 10 girls. And then there's these girls who are just doing it. And I get it, girls. I get it. You're in your 30s. You're in your 20s. And you're thinking, I want to get married because your biological talk is ticking. Let's face it. After 35, your eggs are pretty much older. I don't know. I'm not a doctor, like I mentioned. But I know that once you've hit 35 and beyond, it gets difficult to get pregnant. I've had so many girlfriends not get pregnant because of it. And their options were IVF. So let me tell you, while we get pregnant and we lose the firmness of our bodies and then we have to get the surgeries and then we have to get the trainers and then we have to watch our weight, it never stops. It's a never-ending story. It gets worse, just prepare yourself, when you hit menopause. Because then you're like not eating and you're trying everything and it's not working. So you have to switch it up, ladies, and you have to find ways to help yourself. So my best suggestion would be to really hone in on vitamin D, seeing an endocrinologist and checking your thyroid levels, making certain that you're getting your gynecologist on board with you for bioidentical hormones instead of the estrogen and progesterone, which by the way, I mentioned cause cancer if you don't take them together and properly. And you definitely need someone who's going to listen to you and hear you out because it's important. Not someone who's going to see you for five or 10 minutes, do something and say, see you later. Here's your prescription. Yeah, that's a true story. And then again, um, Not everyone's like that. And yeah, you might have to pay out of pocket for it like I did. And a lot of my girlfriends have. But after we do it, we feel so much better. And your whole thing gets restored in a better way, I think, because now you've got all this wisdom, right? I've dealt with my weight gain like everyone else. And it's personal. And everyone has their own journey. So I'll leave that there. As far as the brain fog and the memory loss and the loss of libido... Oh my God. Well, it's not all in your head. No pun intended. That's in your hormones. And I know that people are going to say, just power through, take a nap, take a pill. But where are the conversations? Where is the grace that we are deserving of? And where is the empathy? So the truth is, is that we're going to have to solve our own menopause with our own women. We're going to have to help each other on this. And if we don't start talking about that, like I saw Oprah did a show and a few other people with her and Halle Berry, I'd love to have those guests. And, you know, what I'm going to say is not going to be very, how would I say this, politically correct, but you cannot solve menopause with green juice and Pilates alone, okay? You need community. You need compassion. You need a man or men who are superior to the average. And on that note, there is a book that my ex, my ex-boyfriend, shared with me three years ago and said, I will send this to you if you promise to read it. Sends it to me. And I'll be honest, I read it and then I got jumped on audio audibles. It's called The Way of the Superior Man. And The Way of the Superior Man is such a book that it really dives in deep of the mental aspects of both female and male and the masculinity polarity with the femininity. polarity and how we talk differently than you talk. And it's I guess you could compare it somewhat to the old version of I believe it was what men are from Mars, women are from Venus. But it's a more refined version. And I think it's an accurate version, to be very honest with you. It was one in which it really changed my perspective. So it's by David Data. And I'll leave that is somewhere in the description in my YouTube post. I don't know if it allows me everywhere else. Guys, it's my third episode, so bear with me. But The Way of the Superior Man by David Data is pretty, pretty spot on. And he's, again, it's a guide for embracing the masculine side and the genders, you know, the sexual orientation and all of that. It's regardless of the gender, I should say. Covering everything from work, you know, relationships, sex, everything. And again, it may seem outdated for some people, but it's really likely to be something useful for most men and women today, and I think it's a practical guide that I think everyone should read. All right, so that's my two cents on that. Now, okay, I'm going to say it. I was contemplating there. Had to hit the pause button to kind of process, but it's like regardless of gender or sexual orientation, if you want to experience deep spiritual and sexual fulfillment, Because we're on that menopause, menopause boat. I want to talk about this. You must know that natural sexual essence is masculine, feminine, balanced. And it's something that we all have to try and reach for if we want to. Have a dynamic second chapter and relationship with someone else other than ourselves. Other than ourselves meaning after we've done it for ourselves. So stop hoping for the completion of anything in life. It's never going to be over. So spend time right now on the things you are waiting for. This is your moves. You moves. These are called you moves in air quotes. You get to decide. You know what I mean? No more postponements or excuses for a lack of creative discipline or spiritual life or falling in love or working on your relationship. And by the way, working on your relationship with yourself isn't all bad. The natural osmosis for taking care of who you are because of what you're going through in the phase of your life that you're in is really, truly a gift. And we're all walking each other home, guys and girls. None of us get out alive. None of us get out unscathed. This whole life thing is kind of daunting. And as you hit 50 and you realize, you know what? I've had so many lifetimes in this lifetime that if I were to die right now, I'd say I lived a good life. Is it the life I expected? No. It's not. Not even close. I got things I didn't even want and that I didn't deserve. And that I look back on and I say, thank you to God. And I don't say that lightly. And I know I've gone from like a lot of jumping around here emotionally, but I think it's an emotional topic. You know, I'm sharing with you heart to heart my experience sexually, what my hormones and menopause has done for me. You know, my back issues and my bone density has to all correlate with my hormones, by the way. And my sexual relationships with men are... picture of what I've had my whole life. So I had to remove that, as I mentioned before, I'm celibate and it's almost, you know, it's in my second year almost. And I'm very proud of that. Has it helped to be in menopause, post-menopause while I was going through this? Yeah, completely. But now that I'm waking up again and my body and my mind are in sync and no longer fighting each other, wow, what a gift, an incredible gift. So treat yourself Like you're in a relationship for yourself. You know what I mean? With yourself. And I'm going to say this too. Like when I was 26, 27, I've always been quite of a loner, an individual person, if you will. I'm an Aquarius. So Aquarians are, if you don't know, Google it. Really independent. And we can be cold as ice, but man, are we loyal. If we choose you... It's loyal, man. It's loyalty. And not everyone. I think there's a difference between January Aquarians and February Aquarians. I'm just saying. Yeah. So talk with your friends and your family, you know, the ones that you're close to, about what you're afraid of and cultivate friends who are willing to challenge you. And even if it requires being brutally honest, be it. These friends should also be living at their edge and challenging themselves. I dare you to do that. Find your purpose and align your life with everything that's going on in your life, from your diet to your career to your menopause and your manopause because, you know, sex changes and relationships change because of sex. So start having conversations, the hard ones. And men, start having those conversations about ED, erectile dysfunction, not being able to get it up or have, you know, have a hard on. I'm sorry, I'm going to say it the way it is. And it's true. Yeah, it's not fun and it's not cute, but it's true. So I'm not going to lie. Like I literally hit pause because you guys, I am not in a studio. I am doing this from the comforts of my little home office in which I have comfortably arranged. So I don't know where I just left off, but I'm going to start where I think I left off. And I think we're talking about hormones and men and libido and erectile dysfunction. So let's leave it at sex, libido and double standards. Okay. Oh my God, that really bothers me. While we're on the subject of intimacy, let's talk about the giant unspoken elephant in the bedroom. Yeah, let's talk about it. Men, you guys lose your erections and you stop performing and you also need meds to stay hard. So you guys need to go get hormones checked as well because though you don't talk about it, we know it exists because we're in the bedrooms with you. So what do you guys talk about? our bodies, our hormones, our moods. We're crazy. Okay. And then you have the nerve to ask, did you enjoy that? Did you come? Well, we both know that I didn't. And if you have to check that the lights were on, they weren't. So God forbid we say no, right? But I actually laid out. But thankfully, I haven't had those kinds of experiences. I've had a couple. That's the truth. And we'll leave it there because I'm not going to go throwing anyone under the bus. Anyway, suddenly we're the problem because we're in menopause or we're dry or this happened or that happened, right? I know that because I've heard so many stories of my girlfriends talking to me about this, of how they have painful sex with their husbands or how they stopped having sex altogether or have they no libido whatsoever. You guys don't talk about your stuff, but we know that it exists. And so what do you do? You sort of supplement it with us and you ask us silly questions in the bedroom, which you already know the answers to. But how many of you tell us that you're small prior to going in, or that you struggle, or that you need help? Zero. It's like the elephant's in the room, but we're not going to talk about it. But hey, I guess you'll pretend to think that you blew our mind, and you'll walk away proud, but we'll fake it to preserve your ego, but it's not the truth. I'm here to tell you. It's a double standard, and I'm tired of pretending it's not. So, to the men who are listening, we're not mad that you need help. And we're not mad that you won't admit it while expecting us to swallow our grief, our dryness, our brain fog, our trauma like it's a vitamin. But I won't put up with it anymore, and I will disclose it. And if you want a partner, you're going to have to be one. You're going to have to start being that partner. And this goes for men, but it also reiterates for women, okay? This isn't a men-bashing thing. This is me saying, hey, we go through menopause, but you guys also go through your ED. You go through it well before we hit menopause, don't you? That's why there is Sialix. That's why there is Viagra. And if there were men getting pregnant, we'd have so many solutions, gentlemen. But let's get this straight. You guys need to get your hormones checked also. Testosterone drops. Penal sizes shift. Yes, they do. Erections get weaker because of aging. So there are amazing therapies out there. Go get one. Go find your doctor. Enlarge your confidence, your communication, and maybe, just maybe, Your member will join you. Okay, well, that's that. I think we should wrap it up. And I just want to say that for the record, there's all kinds of different solutions out there for women and men, and we just need to find them. I mentioned a few things that I thought would help for this. The takeaways are Superior Man by David Data. That book is amazing. Get it on Audible. I am not sponsored or affiliated with any of these, by the way. These are things I've used and things I do. The way of the Superior Man is very good for men and women. I suggest it highly for both. Bonafide is fantastic as a precursor to going to see your doctor. Ladies, it does help with some of the symptoms. The hot flashes I know can be insane. It's like someone just, I can't even put it into words how bad it is, but it does get better. So we don't need to shrink and we don't need to fake it and we don't need to suffer in silence or apologize for when we lose our ish. At our age, we can be messy. And of course, anyone can. Look at the 20, 30-year-olds. I mean, we may not be faking it on social media the way they are. Some of them, some people are in 50s, which, you know, hey, no power to you. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to parade around for attention and or validation and how many likes I have or how many followers are following or how many unfollowed me or how many bad comments or great comments. I don't need it. Not ever again. I got me. And I want every one of us listening to get you, to have you, to hold yourself in a space that's sacred, like sex. Sex is sacred. It's intimacy. It's tantric. It's beautiful. And what we've done is we've microwaved it into this one to two minute situationship that is just always going into the same groundhog day situation. I've seen it so many times. I'm so over it. Like, I won't even touch a dating site anymore. And talk about dating through all this. Forget it. Hence, the whole staying alone and also not to mention that it's attributed to my staying alone and being celibate, but I did that for me to heal, literally from the inside out and from the outside in. So, you've got some things to think about. Yes, we unpacked a few things that were kind of messy. And I hope we touch on it again. This, again, is my third episode. So I wanted to open it up. I want you to understand that these things are things that I've wanted to discuss for a very long time. It may bore you to pieces. I hope not. But I'm going to wrap it up with that. You don't need to fake it anymore. Like I mentioned, your age and your wrinkles and your standards can all be very, very daunting sometimes. But you can always change them. If you don't like your wrinkles, go get Botox. If you don't like your standards, change them. Bring them up. challenge you to. And stop apologizing. You're not sorry. But really, really pay attention to how you do communicate. And bring yourself to the table with that communication. Not just expect it. That goes for men and women. You know, we don't have to shrink for feeling anger over all this, by the way, either. We can talk about it. This isn't the view, and God forbid, because I can't stand any of those women on that show. But this is something that we call a heart-to-heart. All right. I'm going to leave you with that. And I thank you so much for joining me, you guys. It means so much to me that you even listen to me, that you're even still here. And you've got some homework to do, as usual, that I hope fuels your purpose and your personal power. So we'll talk soon. And Happy Easter. Thank you, Jesus. I have to throw that in there, even though I should have started with that. And I do want to say that it is a holy 21st day of April, 2025, if I didn't mention that earlier. And these are, like, obviously... Doesn't matter the date, but for what I'm trying to say is that it is Easter, and it is a holiday, so I'm sorry I'm a little late. On that note, I'm signing off. Bye, my loves. Take care of you, and remember, you're worth it.

SPEAKER_00: 31:05

Midlife isn't the end. It's where the story gets good and the middle gets rewritten. Your way.