The BIG "O": The Myth and The Lies About ORGASMS!

Episode 8: The BIG "O": The Myths & The Lies About Orgasms

In this provocative episode of "Hart 2 Harts With Erika M," Erika takes the reins and delves into the tantalizing world of orgasms, peeling back the layers of myths and lies that surround this essential aspect of human sexuality. 

Join Erika as she navigates through the various misconceptions about orgasms, exploring everything from the science behind them to the societal pressures that shape our perceptions of pleasure. She’ll tackle questions like: What truly defines an orgasm? Are there different types? And why do so many people experience frustration when it comes to achieving that peak moment of ecstasy?

With her signature blend of candidness and humor, Erika invites listeners to rethink their views on sexual fulfillment and encourages open dialogue about desires and experiences. This episode is a fearless exploration of pleasure, designed to empower listeners to embrace their sexuality and understand their bodies better. Tune in for an enlightening journey that promises to challenge norms and celebrate the beauty of the "big O"!E:**Episode 8: The Big O – The Myths & The Lies About Orgasms**

In this provocative episode of "Hart 2 Harts With Erika M," Erika takes the reins and delves into the tantalizing world of orgasms, peeling back the layers of myths and lies that surround this essential aspect of human sexuality. 

Join Erika as she navigates through the various misconceptions about orgasms, exploring everything from the science behind them to the societal pressures that shape our perceptions of pleasure. She’ll tackle questions like: What truly defines an orgasm? Are there different types? And why do so many people experience frustration when it comes to achieving that peak moment of ecstasy?

With her signature blend of candidness and humor, Erika invites listeners to rethink their views on sexual fulfillment and encourages open dialogue about desires and experiences. This episode is a fearless exploration of pleasure, designed to empower listeners to embrace their sexuality and understand their bodies better. Tune in for an enlightening journey that promises to challenge norms and celebrate the beauty of the "big O"!

Chapters

• 0:28 Welcome to the Big O
• 2:27 The Myths of Desire
• 4:25 Secrets of Narcissists
• 7:34 The Truth About Orgasm
• 10:45 Understanding Vasopressin
• 13:32 Emotional Health and Intimacy
• 17:56 Sovereignty and Self-Respect
• 18:25 Bonding vs. Sex
• 20:44 The Power of Sensuality
• 22:18 Choosing Yourself
• 24:51 Types of Orgasms
• 30:44 The Male Perspective
• 40:20 The Orgasm Gap
• 45:19 Embracing Your Power

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

You're listening to Heart to Hearts with Erika M. Where midlife isn't a crisis, it's a calling. Unfiltered, unapologetic, and oh so real. Let's talk about it, shall we? Now here's your host, Erika M.

SPEAKER_01: 0:19

Hello, welcome back. It's Erika M. Here with another episode, episode 8, The Big O Orgasms. The myths, the lies, and the truth. We're going to unpack a lot of stuff here and got to be honest with you, I was hesitating on pulling this trigger. I wasn't sure. But anyway, here I am and I'm back heart to hearts. My heart to your heart talking about the truth and the realities that no one wants to discuss because they're messy. They're not so pretty. They're not always fun to hear. And most of the time we don't We're in denial, so let's get to it. So, Sultry Souls, this episode is going to be rated M for mature, messy, and maybe a little embarrassing. I know, if you're shy or timid, go for a walk with headphones on, so just know that, okay? I'll be touching on topics that might tickle your boundaries, stroke your curiosity, and possibly spank your old belief systems, believe it or not. Before we dive into the steamy depths of today's episode, let's get one thing straight. These opinions shared here are all mine. Erica M., and don't reflect anyone else's views or their questionable life choices. If you find yourself feeling a bit hot and bothered, that's on you. We're exploring the tantalizing world of sex, intimacy, and hormones, so take what ignites your passion and leave the rest behind. And remember, for any medical or psychological concerns, consult a professional, please. I am not that. because we can't be held liable for any spontaneous bedroom escapades or epiphanies that may arise. Now let's turn up the heat, shall we? Listener discretion, strongly advised. But if you're grown, bold, and ready to sip the truth tea with a splash of sass from E, then come closer, because mama's got a mic and she's not holding back. Let's undress this. No pun intended. So grab your drink, your matcha, your tea, your cognac, your wine. I miss wine. But I'm sober, as you know, and I'm also celibate. So this is pretty crazy that I'm talking about all this, but it's important stuff that we all need to talk about. So let me ask you guys something. Have you ever felt completely desired one moment then discarded the next? Like you were the center of someone's world at night, but then by morning, it's like you never existed. Are you left confused and maybe with emotional whiplash and you're not understanding what just happened even though it was a wonderful night? It's not love. It's a trap. And behind that charm that you experience, that seductive smile or that voice that melted you, is something far more dangerous than you think. And today I'm going to pull back that curtain and veil. I want to talk about the five sexual secrets that most narcissists Never want you to know. And once you hear them, you'll never see them or unsee them, excuse me. You'll never unsee them again. And of course, unhear them. So that makes more sense. So I want to say sex when shared between two people who actually care for each other can be so beautiful. The connection and the trust and the vulnerability is unmatchable. Something you will always seek. If you found it, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, you seek it. It's like, Kind of that anomaly, you know, like you don't know. Does it really exist? I hear about it. But does it exist? Does he exist? Well, once more, and I'm going to use the word narcissist right now because here's another term I'll use that I haven't used. And it's not part of it, but it is part of it because this is the dynamic between two people having sex, sharing this whatever we call sex is, intimacy or transactional. Let's break it down to the truth. It happens between two people. So when it's that way, of course, you can build it with a healthy person or a not healthy person. And usually the narcissists are the unhealthy people. And usually they seek the more healthy version, which is the super empath. But what happens if the super empath or the empath that's a baby empath, like a baby vampire, sounds so funny. You'll know if you know. I'm not going to explain everything. You know if you know. We'll have doubts and then we'll get influenced by that narcissist who could probably be 10.0 like my last situationship, whom I will just call A, okay? We're going to call him A, who showed me that even though I was strong and I entered into it, I met him at a very vulnerable stage. So he got the best of me. And that's why this episode's existing. So thank you, A. Though it's not for you, I want to say thank you because my transformation is because of this experience and because it will never happen again, ever. So I want to share this with all of you so that you can learn from what I did, from what I didn't do, and maybe apply it in your own lives. So the myth and the lies and the legendary orgasm all fall into play on all of this because it happens between two people. Usually it's between two toxic people, one that's awakened maybe a little bit and maybe that isn't or is about to be or maybe down the line. And then there's the other one whom is in there for the transactional orgasm, the sex, the ATM version of intimacy. instead of the bespoke intimacy and the energy exchange that no one discusses, they kind of pretend, if you will. So yes, that O, not Oprah, not oxygen, not, oh my God, I can't believe I did that. I'm talking about the real orgasm. Did you guys ever know that having an orgasm will bond you to someone, whether you like him or not? So even if it starts off transactional and you think it's an ATM versus credit card insertion transaction, which is what I'm calling this, It's not because once you do, if you do, and I hope you do, get to orgasm, there's this chemical that gets released and it's called oxytocin. And if you do it and he doesn't, and he doesn't reach that oxytocin, which normally he won't, not because it's transactional, right? You haven't built anything toward one another. You don't have a connection. Maybe it's physical. Maybe it's he thinks you're hot and you think he's good looking and maybe he's doing it for you and whatever. Or you're both horny, fill in the blanks. It's not intimacy. There's no bond. Even if you are entering it that way, you will not walk out of it that way. Ladies, that's the truth. That's why you get hooked up, strung out, and for years, never the same. So wake up. Get out of the slumber. Don't do it. Don't sell yourself so short for transactional sex. Use your body in a way as a weapon and not their... whatever they give you as a tool for your weapon. You know what I'm saying? Because it all gets weaponized in the end. Let me not get too incredibly... So that delicious rush that sweeps you up and down, hopefully over and over and over again. I've felt that, and it's amazing. Well, it's been a minute. Are you the woman that thinks her vagina's gold? Well, think again. Today we're talking about that taboo. Men don't feel bonded because you give them great sex and or your beauty is amazing and you're a 10 or an 11 or they can trophy you around. Are you kidding me? No. Whether he came or not, that is the question. And that is really all he's out for most of the time. I'm sort of like I'm pushing it a little bit because I'm saying that's all they want. But I'm saying the majority, there's a lot of men that don't want that. Men that do, I mean, they all kind of want sex if they're normal and straight, right? And I say normal because that's what we consider straight, like side heterosexuals, that exists for a reason. So if you are that woman that thinks her vagina is full of gold and like, I don't know, hummingbirds, think again. Because whether he came or not, it doesn't matter. He did not bond with you. And yeah, if you reached your climax, which I said, I hope you did, there's no other way to say this than you released oxytocin and you will be bonding with him. So now, what was released has made that fuckboy look into an interesting counterpart. Someone that you thought you'd never invest in has now suddenly become, oh, he's interesting. Maybe I can overlook X, Y, or Z. Hmm. That chemical oxytocin bonds you to him prematurely, ladies. Shocker? Uh-uh. We know it because babies, when they breastfeed, cling to their mothers via breastfeeding because oxytocin is released. I think everyone knows that. Same thing for a man, by the way. So he requires something different. Of course he does. And which brings me to that part, vasopressin. And men don't even know they need this, by the way. They most of the time don't know. They know they need more to get bonded, to feel bonded. And they ask themselves, why don't I feel that? I've had an ex-boyfriend who used to say, Erica, I don't have that feeling. What's wrong with me? because there was no bonding. No vasopressin was established. And I'll get into that. Vasopressin, the hormone that's all about bonding and attachment, okay? And women express this and feel this as well. In those romantic, emotional, and sexual relationships, vasopressin is like your romantic sidekick, if you will, promoting behaviors like pair bonding, trust, emotional closeness. It's kind of like going on an island and you and your man go and you decide you're going to do it this way and you're going to follow each other's leads and you help each other and you win and you're high-fiving each other and all of a sudden vasopressin is released and you two have formed a bond. That is first for a man. That's the unsung hero of monogamy and attachment across species, including us fabulous humans, and that's what takes place there. But right after that, hopefully, he experiences oxytocin. Now, we're getting steamy here. So vasopressin is released, enhancing his emotional connections between... Well, it's not just him. I'm speaking about him, but both. And he experienced more of it. His vasopressin receptors are way more than women's. They enhance emotional connections between each other. So this hormone teams up with oxytocin, the love hormone. Are you following me here? While oxytocin is all about maternal bonding and empathy, vasopressin is more focused on romantic attachments, particularly from the male perspective, as I mentioned earlier. But what happens when he doesn't release vasopressin? Let's break it down because the science of modern sex and bonding has totally evolved. And boy, do we have some juicy backs. First, I'll tell you, oxytocin and bonding, often called the love hormone, oxytocin is released during that physical touch, you know, forming bonds and promoting trust and intimacy. It's like your emotional glue. Women get that all the time. That's why we like foreplay. That's why we need it. Did you know it takes us about nine minutes to have an actual orgasm while men are down there or doing something or thinking that they're doing something? It takes time. And that's why you have the exchange. Men, we don't expect you to be going downtown for 15 minutes straight. Women need to feel comfortable and then relaxed. And that's why sometimes they introduce wine and all those other things, right? To relax you, inhibit you, uninhibit you. I used to always go around when I was younger. I'm so uninhibited. I'm a great lover. Well, yeah, I am. And I'm not just saying that. I am an incredibly present lover. because I don't approach it transactionally. And when I have, I've always regretted it because I didn't even know I was doing it. And there was a good chunk of my life where that happened. Thank God I've learned later in life not to do that and also learned just most recently, I want to say the last five to 10 years, how important it is not to do it that way. But was I always successful? No. like a lot of us, we give in because we want love and we reassociate oxytocin and bonding together to feel this love hormone. So like I mentioned, oxytocin and bonding is called the love hormone. Vasopressin's role, the hormone is all about long-term bonding, especially for the fellas. It works in harmony with oxytocin to spark that loyalty and attachment after those steamy sessions we have, you know? Now, That's also where it doesn't happen, because if they didn't release that vasopressin, well, there's no bond. He gets up, you get dressed, he gets dressed, and each of you go your own ways, and it's kind of cold, like you didn't just share the most intimate, sacred parts of yourselves. You probably don't even know each other's last names. Shame on you. And if that's the case, it's sad. So you need to reflect, and I'm just going to say it that way, and that's that. So the power of physical touch. I'm not judging you. If I were your mom or your sister or your best friend, which I think I am right now, I would ask you to do that with some discernment and some accountability for your own lack of judgment. Anyway, I'll leave it there. So the power of physical touch. Not only do we get oxytocin and vasopressin, but also endorphins that boost our mood, our well-being, creating a cycle of emotional closeness and desire for more physical intimacy. You know, the second time around. And, you know, the attachment theory behind that, early relationships shape how we bond as adults. It is important, securely attach yourself to individuals who enjoy these healthier relationships, everyone. While anxious or avoidance types struggle with attachment, it's another factor to this, right? Sexual intimacy and emotional health, spoiler alert, is good for your emotional well-being. It promotes closeness, improves your moods, and reduces stress. So of course we seek it. Not only it's fun, it's so, I don't know, I love it. I love it. And sexual satisfaction and a relationship strength is so important to longevity in a relationship. A satisfying sex life is linked to overall happiness in relationships. Who knew? I did. I always knew. But the problem with me was that I centered so much about that that I forgot about the rest. Even if I intelligently knew about the rest, my focus was about the sexual satisfaction that would actually strengthen, I thought, strengthen my bond and my relationship. Well, satisfying sex is great. And yes, it'll always be there if you've got it. If you had it with that person, it would always be there. I'm here to tell you. It used to be an ongoing joke between me and my girlfriends how my exes would always circle and recycle and want to come back. And I'm not talking once or twice or a year later. I'm talking decades to this day. So I'm proud of that, but at the same time, proud in what way? That I'm actually a really great lover and I know how to connect with people? I'm actually really proud of that because most of my exes are my friends. And I don't have that many, but I'm just saying, says something. Are yours your friends? Yeah. So the neurochemicals during orgasm when you climax, your brain releases a cocktail of feel-good neurochemicals. Did you know that? Dopamine, serotonin, these are your party favors for bonding. Yeah, and we all need them. Modern sex and intimacy today, intimacy isn't just physical. Emotional vulnerability plays a huge role in deep connections. Now let's get real for a moment. The fakers. the real ones, and the lost souls, or even worse, the never ever had ones. Let's be honest, how many women are actually having orgasms, not faking them, and not choreographing them for his ego? I know a lot of people like that. They think it's like either performance or they're a starfish or they're OnlyFans porn star. There is a middle ground, everyone, and it's called figure it out. It's called figure it out. I can't be all things to everyone. So here's the deal. Sex is everywhere, but pleasure, real embodied pleasure, that a different ballgame pleasure is so rare. I used to navigate relationships transactionally, like I mentioned, not realizing I was chipping away at my self-esteem and respect. I wondered why it felt so hollow sometimes and why I didn't feel fulfilled, even if it ended right. Even if I left and walked away with respect and loving, cherishing feelings, it didn't always go there. It didn't last very long, I should say. It always left me feeling an emotional hangover because I felt like I just... How would I put it? When you betray yourself. Because even if I cared about them and I wanted more, because that's usually the case, I felt like I actually betrayed myself. So I'm here and I want to talk about all this, but I'm also wanting to talk about that because it's extremely important to ask yourself these hard questions. And like I mentioned, it left me with an emotional hangover. I found myself asking... Why? Why do I feel this way? So I'm talking about discovering your sensuality, not your sexuality, organically. Not because some magazine told you to lick a popsicle stick this way because he'll love it and he's going to be pleased that you did this. Who cares? Yes, explore each other's bodies. Get to know him. Learn some things before you get to know him so that when you're preparing yourself to be intimate with your, hopefully, husband or your fiance or committed partner for life, And I say this because it's important to understand that sex is not meant to be transactional. It just isn't. It's turned into that. In fact, it's turned into something far uglier than that, that I don't even want to go there right now. Let's just stick to topic and then we'll go there. So your body is sovereign. And if you don't treat it that way, that's how it's going to get treated like it's not. My sovereign body stands on a foundation of self-respect today and vulnerability that is chosen by I don't choose to give it to everyone. I don't choose to give my self-respect away to anyone and most definitely will not, how would I say, compromise my sovereignty and my standards for any man, no matter what. I'm protected of my body at all costs because I've claimed that ultimate prize, me. I am the prize. My cookie jar is closed. And guess what? You can too, right now, at any age. Lady, it's about you. And ladies, it's about recognizing your worth and cherishing it. Because if you don't, no one will. And let me be crystal clear about that. If you don't, no one will. Sex does not equal intimacy. Sex does not equal love. And sex does not equal bonding. Not for men anyway. And now is when you get your wake-up call. I truly hope you've experienced earth-shattering, leg-quivering orgasms. Because if you haven't, You're truly missing out on building something that's sacred with yourself and your lover and in your relationship. And oxytocin is our drug, ladies. We would be cuddling one night and having a climactic moment. And by breakfast, we're planning baby names. Yeah, that's usually how it goes down. But for the guys, it's a different story altogether. And vasopressin is the real bonding hormone for them. Not orgasms, not tight jeans, not your decadent dessert of a vagina. Nope. It's about challenge, trust, respect, and safety. Yeah, they need that. Did you know men feel those things and need them as well? If those aren't present, he's not bonding and he's just releasing. That is the fact. Hence, where we're going with all this. So if you're only connecting between the sheets or through steamy texts or FaceTime, whatever, Sorry, I had to say it, eh? But you're just a booty call. If that triggers you, oh well. But you already knew that, didn't you? I was late to that game. I thought I was engaging with someone that really cared about me. I thought I was moving forward with someone on a path that was going to lead to more. And I became and I allowed myself to be vulnerable in a situation that I felt was very much destined. I don't say that lightly at all. And I'll revert to this because... It is my last experience sexually. And it's also been close to two years this August that that's happened. So I'm coming up and it's been celibacy since. So bravo to me, but it's changed me, informed me in ways where I can talk about this now. I used to not be able to talk about this. I used to not be able to actually look at myself in the mirror and talk to myself this way. But now I can see it for what it really was and what it really is, is it was really messed up. I was taken for, how would I say this without sounding like a victim? I was set up and it was never meant to be an emotional connection. It was never meant to last. It was always meant for fun. And I think I surprised someone. I think I surprised somebody with not only my loyalty and my love and my essence and how wonderful I am in bed, but also as a person and also intelligently. I might have surprised them even just with this podcast, but who cares because it's too late now. And all I'm trying to say is that when men can screw with your mind, they will. But you can't screw your way into a man's soul. You can't moan your way into his morals. biology doesn't lie. Sadly, it's the truth. Double standard or not, it's the way we're built. And I'm not, I know I'm going to be stepping on toes by saying all this. So if you want to complain, go talk to someone else. Maybe you're guilty. I don't know. Now let's shift gears and talk about sensuality. Because like I mentioned earlier, it's not about sexuality. It's about sensuality. I'm not talking about lingerie though. Yeah, ladies, rock it. Go for it. Go to La Perla. Go get your trashy lingerie. I don't know, whatever your thing is. But I'm talking about how you move, how you breathe, how you inhabit your temple, your sacred body. Do you touch yourself with reverence or does that feel too much for you? How do you approach lovemaking? Is it just sex for you? Is it? Because there's a huge difference. Do you speak to your body like it's sacred or like a project needing approval? Do you choose yourself or do you let men treat you like an ATM? Ask yourself these questions. Sit down with that. Do you choose yourself or do you let men treat you like an ATM? Now, that's a hard one to answer. I'm pretty sure you're not going to be happy about answering that. But hey, if you're waking up, wake up, baby. It's time to smell the coffee. I want you to look at yourself and ask yourself, are you choosing you? Or are you just into the instant gratification and hope that there's more afterward? Hey, anyone can walk up to a bank and pull money. Are you that person? Are you their ATM? You are when you answer their calls after 9 p.m. That's all I'll say about that. So are you a walking AI doll machine that thinks that your looks are all that matter? Are you a starfish that you think is so rare and precious? Or are you a bespoken royal queen goddess? I don't know, but I do definitely consider myself a queen. And do you explore yourself without shame, without mirrors, without rushing to climax? I used to rush. I used to think that things were a little bit more on the DL. Ladies, one of the best things my ex told me was, Erica, let me tell you something. He says, men know what they're getting themselves into, whether you are chubby or not chubby or this or that. When you get naked, pretty much that's all out the window because they already know it was there. So you're not fooling anyone. You're not hiding anything that they didn't already know and see. So if you haven't met your own pleasure first because you're shy or ashamed or just not that bold, he sure as hell won't. Women can experience several different types of orgasms, but yet they don't even know that. Men don't even know it. Most of you. Sorry, I'm going to say it. Not sorry. each with unique sensations and triggers. And here's an overview because I want to give you this because it's important. It's important for you to know that there's more than just one type of orgasm or two. There's several. Let me touch on those. I hope you're drinking. That's all I can say. Clitoral orgasm. That's the most common. The clitoris is a highly sensitive area, and this type of orgasm is typically the most common for women. That's hands down. Of course, the trigger is direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris, either through manual, oral, or penetration-based activities. The sensations are sharp, concentrated feeling of pleasure in the genital area, often accompanied by rhythmic contractions. Yes, so even if she reaches that climax... She will have those contractions. And that's why usually if men are very well informed, I'll say that, they know how to give someone multiple ones at the time that they're having an orgasm because they'll keep going. They won't stop. And I'm not talking about thrusting. I'm talking about fingers, mouths, or both together. And I've experienced that. But if you don't and you're just one of those get in, get out, maybe go there for a second or two, you are the worst lover ever and you should not be doing it. Sorry, I'm going to say it. And yes, I've had that. Second, vaginal orgasm, which most women find very difficult. Stimulation of vaginal walls, particularly the G-spot. It's a sensitive area located a few inches inside the vaginal canal, if you didn't know. And it's a deep, full-bodied sensation that can feel different from the clitoral orgasm. It's actually very different. It's sometimes described as a longer, lasting, more intense experience. It's actually pretty intense, and it's really good. They all are, but here, let me keep going. Then there's the G-spot orgasm. Trigger is the direct stimulation of the G-spot, which is located on the anterior... which is the front wall of the vagina, about two to three inches inside. So it's kind of like you put your finger, okay, like, I don't know how to say this. You know when you're calling someone over to you, you got your finger out, your hands up, your fingers pointing, and you're telling them to come here with your finger? That's what you do inside your vagina. That's all I'm going to say about that. So it's a powerful orgasm that may feel different from the clitoral orgasm, more internal, with a deeper, almost pressure-like sensation. Pretty amazing, actually. So there's the blended orgasms as well. I didn't know if you knew that, but there's a combination. And that's what I mentioned earlier when I said the fingers as well as the mouth, as well as the time when you can keep going. This occurs when a woman experiences both clitoral and vaginal G-spot orgasms at the same time or in close proximity and succession, which is amazing. And it's a sensation that's heightened sense of pleasure as the brain possesses pleasure from multiple nerve areas at once. Yep. And the cervical orgasm trigger deep penetration that stimulates the cervix and, of course, often deeper and more intense than a G-spot orgasm. This type of orgasm is rare and someone, well, some women report it's a feeling of full-bodied and deeply satisfying. Yeah, that's all I can say about that for now. Next is the anal orgasm. I know, I know. Backdoor entrance. But stimulation of the anal area, either through penetration or external massage, can be very pleasurable. And the anus has a high concentration of nerve endings. And for some women, anal stimulation can lead to strong orgasms. It may be combined with vaginal and or clitoral stimulation. And then there's the nipple orgasm. which is stimulation of the nipples through touching, licking, or sucking, and someone who experienced orgasm-like sensations or even reached orgasm from nipple stimulations alone. This is because the breasts are connected to the erogenous zones. And I didn't say that right. It's erogenous. Then there's the mental or psychological orgasm trigger, a deeply emotional and or mental connection that can lead some women to experience orgasm without direct Physical stimulation. I've read about this. I've seen videos on it, and I found it to be absolutely fascinating. And yes, I've had one. And yes, it's possible. So I'm saying that. Sensations often described as a strong emotional body-wide release that can feel just as intense as a physical orgasm. The mind is so powerful. It is the tool or a weapon. You decide. But man, when you use it as a tool, it's a great piece of arsenal. And then there's the nine, of course, the nine multiple orgasm. I say nine because it's just like, there's so many that can happen, right? But like a woman can experience more than just one orgasm during a single sexual encounter, usually with a short break between them. And sensation is a series of intense sensations that may build an intensity with each subsequent orgasm. And that is probably like the time when you need to like take a break, eat a meal, take a shower, take a break, come back to it because those are pretty amazing. If you know, you know. So the key factors influencing orgasm types are physical sensitivity. Each woman, as you know, is unique. Her body is different and not everyone's made the same and different types of stimulation work for different people. So that's why the communication, the intimacy is so paramount here. The psychological factors play a Who are you with? Are they in a good state of mind? Are they good emotionally? Are they emotionally connected? And the comfort level with a partner can affect the experience of orgasm. Of course it does. That's why I said, do you know each other's last names? Do you care? Do you know what each other does for a living? Do you have any idea if they have siblings? Are you connected that way or is it just purely physical? Ask yourself these hard questions. Then there's a hormonal cycle. which changes throughout the menstrual cycle, can influence sexual arousal and orgasmic responses, which is what I talked about in one of my episodes about menopause. Menopause and menopause. So go back to that and then we'll talk. So the myth of the one orgasm versus the multiple. The number nine. I love to call it the number nine. Multiple orgasms are possible for some women where they may experience multiple peaks or pleasures in a single session. However, not all women are going to experience this. Understanding these various types are the triggers that we need to help women to get better at exploring their own bodies, their own intimacy, their own everythings, and embrace their sexual experiences so that when they walk into them, they're not just these meek starfishes. that think that they don't really have to do or say much. And I'm saying that with a lot of love, ladies. But you know what? I don't blame you. I know so many like you. That's why I'm such a thoroughbred in bed. I'm going to say it the way it is because there's not a lot of women built like me and there's not a lot of women that know a lot. And when they do, they rarely share it. So here I am. Take it. Scoop it up. Re-listen to this a few times if you have to. 444 on the clock, by the way. So gentlemen, let me start with this. Gentlemen, with experience are like well-bred horses. They're so rare. You know that, right? Thoroughbred horses are super rare and they're very sought after. They're meticulous and refined, like love sommeliers, I like to call them. Connoisseurs of the vagina underworld, if you will. But just like fine wine, amazing sex can lead to premature bonding because you release oxytocin, like I mentioned, immediately and you feel that bond. And despite your feelings, and it can be dangerous and addictive, you're going to go forward. Because regardless, you've just released oxytocin, there's a bonding effect, and now that person that you didn't think that was so cute or maybe not that interesting and that you thought this is going to be just transactional, it'll be a one- or two-time thing, has now become something that you want to seek. And you don't even know why. Because you're like, why do I feel this way? Well, it's because you bonded with that guy during sex, and he didn't. So detrimental and harmful is like a beyond here. It is a cycle we need to break. It's just detrimental to yourself, your psyche, the way you're going to go forward. And if you do all of what I'm sharing with you, you having these intimacy relationships, transactional or not, it's going to bond you to someone. So choose wisely, ladies, please. So explore yourselves. There are so many reasons why you can do this. It doesn't have to be with a man. Premature giving can mislead you. Taking your power for free in the name of casual fun is expensive. Let's be blunt. Your vagina is your life canal. You produce a human being from your body and you bird them through your canal. Now you're allowing some stranger to come and take house and home in there for very free, how would I say, rent? You know, sometimes they don't even buy a ticket and all you ladies do is just lay down. I don't understand it. You're not a pair of shoes you just toss aside after one or two uses, you know? So don't treat your lotus flower like a pair of Crocs, you know? Try to do something that's a little different. Don't be a Lily Phillips. Water down to think that you're like, I don't know, something else. Write that down. Your flower carries power. Wow, that sounded good. Your flower carries power. And a lot of weight, by the way. And a man's entire karmic history, actually. can actually affect you. Let me rephrase that, okay? When you have intimacy with a man, sex, whatever you want to call it, if whatever you're doing, I should say, his entire karmic history is going to enter into you. If you're not careful, you can end up with an entity attachment. If you don't believe in that, read up on it. Research it. It's true. That's why Liliths and Jezebels exist. It works both ways, girls. Both ways, men and women alike. And that will literally kill you with an STI or STD, an unwanted pregnancy. So you're now attached to someone you didn't really care about. Now you're all, I don't know, maybe potentially wifed up or having an unwanted pregnancy with someone you barely know. It's dangerous. So who you lay with will literally leave a residue inside you and imprint on your life. Do you understand that? Okay, so the many masks of intimacy, the mass love and the base success, sex, excuse me, when he comes in with his story, it's like the hamburger effect. He robs you of your sacred honey and leaves you confused. Yeah, and now you know why. Proving how the lack of vasopressin means energy, sex, and intimacy are nothing without that bond. A key takeaway regarding men's vasopressin release compared to women's oxytocin release is that the distinct role these hormones play in social bonding and emotional regulation is very paramount. And it's often associated with behaviors like social bonding, aggression, and territoriality. I can never say the word. Territoriality? You guys can help me with that. Men typically release vasopressin during moments of social interactions, particularly in contexts related to bonding, such as during an intimate relationship and when forming social attachments, not just during sex. It can also be released in response to stress or competitive situations influencing him and how men react in social contexts. So, In women, of course, the oxytocin is contrast in primarily linking her to nurturing behaviors, you know, the maternal instincts and emotional connections, getting up, making sure he's good and he's got something to eat or he's well taken care of, that mommy effect. Women often experience oxytocin releasing during childbirth, breastfeeding, and social interactions also, and that promotes bonding. So understanding these hormonal differences highlights how men and women may approach relationships and social interactions. different. You know what I'm saying? It's not about just the vasopressin enhancing male bonding behaviors and oxytocin fostering female nurturing and emotional connections. This distinction can help inform discussions about gender dynamics and relationships and social structures. So yes, have the orgasms, but whom are you giving them to? What is it costing you? When it comes to women and reaching orgasm, the statistics can be quite telling. and often highlight disparities in sexual experiences. And so, like, here are some of the statistics and the insights about women and orgasms. The orgasm rates research indicates that approximately 65% to 70% of women report experiencing orgasm during sexual encounters with a partner. That's not bad. Now, it's not 100%. It's not even 75%. Compared to about the 90% of men. Did you get that difference? 65 to 70% of women reporting experience orgasm during sexual encounters with a partner compared to about 90% of men. This more than suggests that women are less likely to climax in heterosexual encounters. Yeah, sadly, that's the truth. I don't know. I'd like to say it's probably like 50% of women, but I'm not being pessimistic. I'm speaking from what I hear. So faking orgasm is another part of this and studies show that around 50 to 70% of women have faked an orgasm at some point. And this often stems from a desire to please their partner or to avoid awkwardness, underlining the pressure some women feel during sexual experiences. It's like we're so freaking, I don't know, holding a white-gloved baby, newborn baby in our hands when coddling him so he feels good about something he didn't even bother trying to do. And if he thought so, Wake up. You didn't. Because if you cannot tell when a woman is giving you a fake orgasm, you're not a good lover. Bottom line, you need to go back to sex education, intimacy school, because it's not about transactional ATM getting off. You just may as well just go get a hole in a wall. And I'm saying that bluntly because it needs to be said that way. There's a clitoral stimulation called Research indicates that the majority of women require direct clitoral stimulation, you will hear this all the damn time, to reach orgasm. In fact, around 70% of women say that they need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, which emphasizes the importance of understanding female anatomy. Do you guys know the female anatomy? Yeah, I'm asking. It's shocking to hear some of the things men say or don't know. It's unbelievable sometimes. I'm just like astounded. And then let's lead me to the next part, the frequency of orgasms. According to surveys, when women typically reporting having orgasms less frequently than men, of course, in some studies, women reporting achieving orgasm only about 40% of the time. What did I say about 50% early during sexual encounters compared to men's higher rates? I kind of vibrate on this subject. Factors influencing orgasm, and not vibrate in a good way. Factors influencing orgasm, such as emotional connection, quality of the relationship, and comfort with one's own lotus. And a deeper dive into the topic of orgasms, particularly focusing on women. Did you know how many different orgasms there were, like I mentioned above? I want you all to ask yourself those questions, or was the first time you've ever heard all that? I really want to know. Fellas, do you? Women, I know you don't, but if you don't, you do now, all of you. So let's face it, 98% of you approach sex as mechanical and transactional. Because if you don't know your own body, your own pleasure zones, or how to get there, you're just as guilty. You're just as culpable. So, sorry to say this, but we're all responsible for that. And it's not just on one gender or another. And the responsibility does fall on both of us. The psychological factor, the physical factor, the experience itself, and how we exchange. It's not just an age thing. It's a real fact that it's something we all do. We all seek. Animals seek it. We seek it. So why are we not talking about all these important things? Why am I now at 54 realizing some of this? I never knew about vasopressin before. until I started realizing that there's a huge break. We're not broken. There's just breaks in our, how would I put it, our evolution, if you will, that age and experience sometimes don't give you. And so we have to figure this out and we have to research and reflect and find out the answers as to why women aren't seeking these orgasms. It's social, it's cultural, it's how you were brought up. I don't know. But studies show that women often become more comfortable with their bodies and sexual pleasure as they age. Hence, my point that age is not a curse. It's an evolution and leading to increased orgasm frequency. So hallelujah, ladies. And women in their 30s and 40s often report higher satisfaction levels. Now, the orgasm gap, it refers to the display between men and women regarding orgasm frequency during heterosexual encounters. This gap highlights the need for better communication and understanding, like I mentioned, in sexual relationships. Now, the health benefits reaching orgasm has numerous health benefits that no one really discusses, but let me just say it. It does include reduced stress, improved sleep, and increased feelings of intimacy and connection with your partners. Why would we want that? So the myths and misconceptions, there are many myths surrounding the female orgasms, including the idea that all women should be able to reach orgasm easily or through sex. I'm sorry, just like intercourse, I should say, vaginal and penetration. That's not true. In reality, every woman's experience is unique, and factors such as arousal, let me rephrase that, factors such as arousal, comfort, and emotional connection all play crucial roles. So by understanding these aspects, you can approach the subjects of women's orgasms with greater insight and awareness, gentlemen, fostering your healthier conversations and intimacy and pleasure for yourselves as well. So if you need more specific statistics or information, just feel free to ask and go find it. I'm just saying. Now, there's another factor to this that we should cover and talk about. There's always something else that sort of... can conclude as to why men are transactional about sex, right? And that's called sex addiction. Sex addiction is characterized by an inability to control sexual impulses leading to negative consequences. Usually it's going out on your partner, repeatedly with different women, women you don't know, calling prostitutes, being gone for days and day out, probably using sex and drugs with it. It's usually one-on-one. It does. I'm sorry. They intersect together, alcohol, drugs, and sexual behavior. I'm not going to lie. And substances can lower inhibitions and heighten sexual desire. So of course people do use them. We know that. Let's explore that a little bit because it's not just sex addiction. It's exploring also love addiction and avoidant attachment. It's all there. It's all parallel. In my opinion, it's so subjective to everything. And love addiction leads to obsessive behaviors rooted in attachment issues, which comes because you've released oxytocin to someone you didn't know during sex that now is avoiding you. So now your avoidant attachment is triggered. And all of it comes from probably your childhood and early neglect or maybe some S.A.ing that happened to you or some sort of challenge that made intimacy challenging. So of course, these things and factors all take place and have a big role in how we address orgasms, intimacy, pleasuring ourselves, connecting and bonding, communication. And when that happens, when we choose to share that with someone or whether we just get chosen and do it. So let's address this a little bit about that. It's called my famous line, the elephant in the room, the lack of emotional intelligence and empathy. It isn't your fault. You know, it's not your fault that at 13 or 16 and even 18, but after that, what's your excuse? That you didn't know all this. There's no bond and no connection, just a game of the hamburger effect because that's what you were seeing or were taught subconsciously or consciously. For many men, sex isn't viewed as an act of love. That's just the facts. What does that do? It leaves all of us women pretty much lost and confused. It's performative sex versus intimacy, ladies. And it's all about acting. Well, intimacy is about connection, vulnerability, and presence. And if you haven't felt that, I pray that you do. Just spot it if you got it, okay? And today's fragmented culture leads to sex without love, making it transactional. And that's the truth. So you can change that narrative. You know, I can tell you that there's many times when I've had experiences with people whom I was completely and utterly in love with and completely bonded to. And was convinced that that person was also in that place. But what ended up happening was it was performative. That person had love, avoidancy, love addiction, all kinds of different parallels. And you know, I know him today and I know he's not like that today and that he's done the work and gone through the dark night of the soul. And he's quite an incredible man. I got to be honest with you. I struggled with reaching out to him and having him as a guest on my show today because I thought it would be interesting to have a male perspective and maybe I'll bring him back for that. We're just in our 10 episodes right now and I'm getting familiar with all of you and hopefully setting the stage for you all to see what I'm coming with because I'm coming with my arsenal, baby, and I'm talking about it all. So if no one told you today, you're allowed to take up space in your own pleasure. I'm allowed to tell you that too. And I'm telling you, you're allowed to wait for more than just the O. Wait for the man who's worthy of it. And you're allowed to say, that's not enough for me anymore. You know, you are. At any age. This chapter of your life, it's about unapologetic embodiment. Not silence. Not shame. Just soul. Some sassy sensuality. And power. Personal power. So in closing, don't forget to value your previous yoni power and the gift of self-pleasuring to save your sacred, sacral energy for a true love that will recognize you, reciprocate, and not leave you with unrequited expectations or love. Now, expectations is a tricky word, but we have them. They exist. And you're not aiming too high to want to actually cuddle after your intimate session and maybe wanting a second round. It's not about just getting up, taking a shower, and leaving. If it is, shame on you. And God, ladies, you're worth so much more than that. Your vag, your vajay, your vagin, your vagin, isn't an ATM. Save your life sacred energy for someone who you actually think is worth giving it to. Because there's an exchange whether you like it or not. And not everyone is going to bond and some always do. And now we know why. So this has been heart to hearts, my heart to yours. Of course, there's so much more I want to unpack right now. I mean, there's so much beauty in having sex and so much beauty and in love. And I want that. I no longer chose to be transactional and or settle like we all do today. A lot. I say not all. I say all a lot. So excuse me for that. Everyone knows, I hope, that it's not an absolute. I'm speaking in generalities and this is my perspective. So my POV, fellas and ladies, it isn't, it is personal. And hopefully you've gotten something from this and I'll expand on this again and more and in depth and I'll hopefully have a couple of guests and to go into it and, you know. But in the meantime, this has been Heart to Hearts with me, your host, Erica M. Unfiltered, unrushed, unabashed. and of course, unapologetically yours. So if you haven't already, would you hit the subscribe button for me? Would you share, maybe hit a like, and maybe comment if you'd like to say hi. Let me know where you're hearing me from. And of course, I don't know the platform you're hearing me from, but if you are or not, and you're on YouTube, I'm there as well. So love to see and hear from you and say whatever it is you've got on your chest and let it out. I'll be back next Sunday. And until then, stay soft, stay bold, Stay empowered. And above all, explore your body. Remember, you're not a tool. That your body is a weapon and your vag isn't a tool. You can use them for good things. And all you have to do is decide who gets it, when, and why. Those are big, giant factors that you need to answer for yourself. I'm just a catalyst to push you there. We'll talk soon. And remember, you are so worth it. Never forget that, no matter what.

UNKNOWN: 49:03

Bye.

SPEAKER_00: 49:03

Well, that's a wrap on this episode of Heart to Hearts with Erica M. If today hit a nerve, stirred a truth, or sparked a comeback, make sure to subscribe, share, and come back next Sunday when Erica talks about whatever she wants. Midlife isn't the end. It's where the story gets good and the middle gets rewritten your way.