04 - Happiness

The Happiness Trap – Why Chasing Joy Can Leave You Empty

Is your pursuit of happiness making you miserable?

In this refreshingly honest episode, Dr Munita and Shazia explore the myth of constant happiness - and why the pressure to "be positive" all the time might be doing more harm than good. From cultural messaging to social media’s obsession with perfection, we unpack how modern life fuels a deep sense of disconnection, discontent… and guilt for not being happy enough.

Expect real talk on emotional avoidance, the rise of toxic positivity, and why sadness, boredom, and even rage are not only valid - but necessary. We share personal stories, psychological insights, and soulful reframes to help you feel more at home with the full spectrum of your emotions.

If you’ve ever thought, “I should be happy, but I’m not,” this one’s for you.

Edited and produced by Mike at Making Digital Real 🎙️

Transcript

Hello, welcome to the Flawed and Fabulous podcast, a podcast that celebrates showing up as your real, raw and beautifully imperfect selves. We will explore topics that are commonly seen as flaws and help you turn them into another dimension of your fabulous self. We discuss personal stories together with myths around topics such as perfectionism, imposter syndrome, fear, and happiness, just to name a few.

I'm Shazia, co-host of the Flawed and Fabulous podcast. I'm a psychotherapist specialising in trauma and work with people struggling with issues such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, and childhood trauma, just to name a few. Hello, I'm Dr. Manita, and I'm also a co-host of the Flawed and Fabulous podcast.

I'm a certified life coach, but also I'm a doctor with two decades' experience as a consultant in intensive care medicine. This gives me a unique perspective to bring to our conversations about mindset, resilience, and personal growth. In my day job, I help patients through the most difficult challenges, and in my coaching practise, I help my clients break through their limitations to achieve their maximum potential.

So, on this podcast, we're going to cut through the noise, have heart-centred conversations to energise and nourish your mind. So whether you're looking to optimise your mindset, navigate life's critical moments, communicate with inspiring topics around human flaws, join us. Let's dive in.

Welcome to Flawed and Fabulous, a podcast where we explore the intersection of psychology, personal growth, and human flourishing. I'm Manita, and today we're diving deep into one of humanity's most pursued, yet elusive goals. It is, of course, happiness.

Hi again, I'm Shazia, and today we shine a light on what it truly means to be happy. Is it a fleeting emotion, a life philosophy, or something we can actively cultivate? Today I'm packing happiness through two powerful lenses, psychotherapy and life coaching. We'll uncover theories and strategies, debunk common myths, and provide you with practical tools you can start using today.

So whether you're struggling with persistent unhappiness, seeking to enhance your well-being, or simply curious about the science behind joy, this episode is for you. So grab your favourite drink, get comfortable, we're going to be digging deep, and let's embark on the journey towards understanding and cultivating happiness. So Shazia, let's define happiness.

What exactly is happiness? There's a bit of controversy around this, Manita. Psychologists define it as subjective well-being, basically how satisfied you are with life, and how often you experience positive emotions. Philosophers, on the other hand, had their own takes.

Aristotle was one of the first philosophers that sort of researched happiness, and he spoke about eudaimonia, which is living a meaningful and virtuous life. In fact, his book, which is called the Nicomachean Ethics, is still considered to influence our views on happiness. Then there was Epicurus, the Greek philosopher, and he believed in the hedonic idea of happiness, which is maximising pleasure and minimising pain.

So right from the start, happiness is both about feeling good and living well. You know, Manita, this summer I visited the Happiness Museum in Copenhagen, and Denmark is the second happiest country in the world after Finland. And all those Scandinavian countries are in the high happy category.

And it was one of the most fascinating museums I visited, the Happiness Museum. And one of the reasons they say that the Scandinavian people are so happy is because they are looked after, and their physical well-being, their mental well-being, their emotional well-being is all sort of taken care of. So they don't have the worry of how to live life well, they just live life well because it's all provided.

Parks and schools and hospitals and all these have a very high standard. But it was honestly one of the best museums I've visited. So if anyone is in Copenhagen, you definitely need to go down and visit it, visit the Happiness Museum.

Oh, I'm going to go there myself, it's on my to-do list for life, my bucket list. And actually, you know, you bring up this thing about hedonism, and actually that's the one that most of us relate to. That quick pleasure, that quick high, rather than the virtuosity, longevity type of happiness, which is why we're going to sort of delve into it today.

But just going back to the Finland thing, the Scandinavian countries have a unique theory of life, which is that you're working as a collective. You are very much together, you're a community. The whole country is thought of, the ethos, you never put yourself higher above other people in your workplace or in your friendship group, no matter what creed, no matter how much they earn.

And actually, that's quite distinct from the society we're in right now, I believe. So let's break down some of the big theories researchers have given us. There's a few, and we'll give you a feel for each of these.

So Shazia, tell me about hedonic versus eudaimonic happiness. You've touched on it, but let's just have a little breakdown of that. Yeah.

So hedonic happiness is the feel good now, pleasure, comfort, fun. You know, it's that dopamine hit. Even scrolling on social media is that, that instant elation.

Eudaimonic is about meaning and growth, things that make life fulfilling in the long run. You know, much more sustainable, feel good, positive emotions. It's like the difference between chocolate cake, which is hedonic, and raising a child, which is considered eudaimonic.

Some people may disagree, but that's the theory. Both sweet, but in different ways. There are a few models out there that might be worth mentioning.

Em, you want to talk about the next model? Yeah, I'm not sure how I can follow from the chocolate cake thing, but actually I'm going to give it a go. So slightly more theory based, there's Seligman's PERMA model. Have you heard of this? I have heard of it vaguely, but yeah, tell us more.

Okay. So psychologist Martin Seligman, the founder of positive psychology, came up with a framework called PERMA, P-E-R-M-A. So happiness thrives when we have P, positive emotion, joy, gratitude, love.

E, engagement, being absorbed in what you're doing, being fulfilled. Like when you lose track when you're reading a book or you're engrossed in doing some sort of hobby of yours. Relationships, both supportive and loving.

They can be family, they can be friendships, they can be both, they can be workplace, they can be home place. Meaning, belonging to something bigger than yourself. So there's quite a lot of data out there that talks about people who have religion in their lives, have a lot more connection, meaning to a higher purpose perhaps, and fulfilment from that dimension.

And then A, accomplishment, achieving our goals, doing the job that we do, being the great parent that we are, the fantastic wife or husband, and feeling capable. So think about it. Which one of these do you already have? So positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning, accomplishment.

And which one of them could do with a little bit more work in that slot? It's a complicated one. It's a complicated one. I think I'm good with the relationships.

I think I'm good with the meaning. Perhaps the engagement part could do with some work. Yeah.

What about you? Yeah, look, I think I have quite a lot of positive emotion 90% of the time. I love what I do work-wise. I love being a parent.

And I think my sense of self-education, purpose is high. We're constantly trying to learn new things in medicine. We're constantly trying... I'm trying to learn new things at home.

I'm gardening vegetables, and I'm gardening perennials, and things like that. So you know what? There's lots of things to that. But one of the things I really wanted to say that I'm not sure we're going to mention anywhere else other than right here in the podcast, is happiness also means you have to let go of things that are not bringing you happiness.

Happiness. So you have to recognise things that are not bringing you positive emotion, engagement, relationships, you know, toxic relationships, both at work, both at home. And you know, I think you've got to almost do a bit of an energy audit and look at yourself and think, what gives me positive vibes and energy? And really, you have to have the strength of courage to sort of say, do you know what? I'm not having that in my life anymore.

Yeah. Yeah. You know? We do touch upon this a little bit later on.

Ah, okay. I've come a bit early. That's okay.

That's fine. The next theory is something I'm not sure I agree with. It's called the set point theory, which focusses on nature versus nurture.

This one's fascinating. Now studies show that about 50% of our happiness is genetic. 10% is based on life circumstances and about 40% is within our control.

That 40% is the sweet spot, you know, our daily actions, habits, mindset. But I'm not sure about this 50% of our happiness being genetic. For me, in the work that I'm doing, I feel that it's more maybe 10% and 50% is based on life circumstances and experiences and things like that.

So, I'm drawing out on this one. I'm not convinced. Yeah.

And I guess the genetic thing, maybe if you are born with some sort of ailment or you have developed something that's hereditary, that is definitely going to give you a set of circumstances. That's right. You know, so it's that nature versus nurture thing.

So I have to understand, I do agree with it to a degree, but maybe not the proportions. And finally, and probably my favourite is the self-determination theory. This theory says that happiness is strongest when three needs are met.

First one, autonomy. Feeling like you have a choice in what happens in your life. You are not bound by the terms and conditions of somebody else, maybe a controlling relationship.

Maybe you're bound by financial constraints that mean you have to stay in that job. Competence, number two, feeling skilled and capable and feeling like what you do is worthwhile and fulfilling. And relatedness, number three, feeling connected to others.

I think for me, that's number one. That's the biggie. So, Shazia, how do you answer these three questions at this moment in time? I mean, I totally agree with all these.

The relatedness for me is something that is number one. And I see this every day in my work as well. This is a recurring theme.

The importance and the need to feel connected to others, to feel a sense of belonging, to feel part of something. So, yeah, this, I totally get this. And even the autonomy, you know, being able to have the power to make your own decisions and not feeling like, you know, you're being dragged around.

So, yeah, from a psychotherapy perspective, many clients, many of my clients feel themselves struggling with low self-worth, perpetuated by lots of things, social media, wrong, toxic relationships, comparisons, leaving them feeling inadequate. So many of my clients come to me and say, I just want to be happy. But what does that actually mean? You know, what does that look like in your day-to-day world? I try to encourage them to think that happiness is not a destination.

It's a state of being that needs active involvement and purpose and something that needs, you know, daily work. It's not just, it just doesn't happen. Is this different from coaching, Monika? Well, coaching has a definite resonance with what you've said, but they add another layer here.

So, coaching helps move a little bit forward, acknowledge the past, acknowledge what's going on, maybe try and understand the roots of everything, but then to try and say, right, okay, we have this. What's the game plan? Let's make a plan. Let's get some goals.

Let's try and go from just existing to flourishing. So, coaches work with clients to identify what eudaimic happiness looks like for them personally in a bespoke fashion and to create actionable plans for that. So, as we move forward in today's episode, let's keep this question in mind.

What would your life look like if you prioritise both feeling good and doing good? Both pleasure and purpose. I think I'm doing, I feel like I'm doing some of that these days. I think I'm combining pleasure and purpose, you know, even doing these podcasts.

So, I believe it is possible, but it does require intent. What are your thoughts on this? Yeah, look, I mean, you know, if, I have had big changes in my life in the last few years. And actually, I find myself in a place of contentment.

I find myself self-sufficient. I'm not relying on anybody. I'm able to propel myself.

I've taken on a new role in the hospital, in the department. I've taken on more coaching clients. We're now doing this podcast.

I'm feeling like I'm on top of my game. I'm now changing my perspective to trying to get fit. And I'm really enjoying the journey.

So, you know, I think we are a constant work in progress. And I think that's important. I don't think there's ever the finished ticket.

We will never be fully satisfied with ourselves. That's how I feel. And I think for me personally, I just want to keep doing something that makes me contented, that I look forward to.

So, the coaching insight, you don't have to choose one or another. Most fulfilled people integrate both eudaimonic and hedonistic. Okay, that we can all go out, have a great meal, see our friends and then start work the following week and integrate the fact that we're fulfilled and dedicated to our jobs and our lives and to have equality.

I think one or the other is a bad thing. Combining, trying to get a bit of balance, which is obviously the purpose of this podcast, give people an idea. So, what I think we call that, according to Martin Seligman, is authentic happiness.

Yeah. You're not happy because you're driving around in a Land Rover of the top spec. You're happy because you're living the life that you want to live and you're seeing your friends and you have purpose.

That's my feeling. So, Shazi, as we move forward, let's talk about the science of happiness. I'm delighted to say you're going to be doing this today because actually, I am usually the neuroscience nerd, but here we go.

What exactly is happening in our bodies when we're happy, Shaz? So, it all comes down to what I call the happiness cocktail. There are four main chemicals that fire in our brains, essentially. There's dopamine.

That's motivation and reward. The buzz that when you finish a project or like you get when you're scrolling on Instagram. Then there's serotonin.

This stabilises the mood, helps us feel calm. It's that feel-good hormone. Oxytocin.

This is the love hormone. Bonding with a baby, hugging a friend, petting a dog. In fact, one of the things I often tell clients is, you know, to sort of start feeling a little better is to hug yourself.

Give your touch yourself and hug yourself to release this oxytocin. And the fourth one is endorphins. The painkillers that trigger euphoria.

You know, like a runner's high. You know, even getting a tattoo releases endorphins. So, that's why it's addictive.

Yeah. Really? Well, I didn't know that. That's why it's so addictive.

Yeah. Okay. Then there's the brain itself.

The prefrontal cortex. The front part behind your forehead. This area regulates emotions.

Things like mindfulness and meditation literally change the structure of the brain. In fact, Harvard researchers found that in just eight weeks of mindfulness practise, the brain's stress centre shrinks. Whilst areas linked to empathy and focus grow.

So, happiness is not just in your head. It's actually written in our biology. And we can train it.

Yeah. So, it's a dynamic process. It's flexible.

It's definitely not hardwired. And it's something we can do something about. I'm delighted to see that the science has rocked off a bit on you.

You're influencing me, Monita. So, how does happiness show up differently in men and women, Monita? So, it's a fascinating topic, actually. So, men and women often experience happiness differently.

Research shows that women tend to be more intense in their emotions, both positive and negative. Higher highs, lower lows. Women's happiness is often tied to relationships and social bonds, like oxytocin, that nurturing.

So, that connection is a huge driver. Men, meanwhile, tend to link happiness with more achievement, autonomy, success. So, you know, the triad that we talked about earlier.

So, I suppose the question of the audience is how do you feel men and women differ? Do you notice it in your everyday life? And can you, after this podcast, perhaps identify in your own life? Yeah, I think women are more likely to seek help, you know? And the connection between women, you know, the women's friendships, they really give the high and that feel-good factor. I don't know what, I think men also have male bonding times, these men's trips and things like that that they do, which perhaps is their happiness pill. But they're different.

These are, they function differently. So, North America is very big on women's circles. It's a big therapy thing.

There are advocates for it, from the mother-daughter coaching fraternity. Now, interestingly, I was listening to an initiative by a man, local to London, who was talking about getting men to go and play football together, however bad they were, meeting somewhere locally. Lots of different little football clubs are popping up around the peripheries of London, where people go on a dedicated night, they meet up, they might not play football at all, but they get together, they can let off steam, they can talk, they can bond.

And actually, that's becoming a real big thing around peripheries of London now. So, it is happening, but in a different name. Let's dive into the psychotherapy perspective, Shazia, because in my work with clients, I've observed that the path to happiness is often blocked by what I call the big three psychological barriers.

Number one, negative thought patterns. Number two, unresolved emotional wounds. And number three, maladaptive coping strategies.

So, tell me how negative thought patterns are a barrier to happiness. Why don't you explore that? Yeah, I mean, these psychological blocks, I believe, and acknowledging and working on these are vital. It's what most of the time we talk about in therapy anyway.

So, my experience and training has taught me that our thoughts, feelings and behaviours are all interconnected. So, when we are trapped in this pattern of catastrophic thinking, the all or nothing reasoning, on constant self-criticism, happiness becomes nearly impossible. So, as an example, if I take a composite of several clients I've worked with, if I use a name like Sarah, let's say a random name, she believed she could only be happy if she was perfect at everything.

Now, we've talked about perfectionist before, perfectionism before, but this has led to chronic anxiety, procrastination and a deep sense of inadequacy. And through therapy, Sarah learned to identify these thought distortions, replace them with more balanced and realistic thinking. You know, she discovered that good enough could actually feel great and it was authentic to her efforts and values.

So, the therapeutic process involved was what we call cognitive restructuring, literally rewiring how we think. And this isn't about positivity or toxic positivity or just, you know, saying I'm happy for the sake of it. It's about accuracy.

It's about seeing situations clearly in the correct perspective, acknowledging both challenges and opportunities and responding from a place of wisdom rather than fear. So, you know, ask yourself, I always use this example with my clients, you know, what would happen if the outcome was positive as opposed to assuming the worst happening? What, how would our behaviours and our actions and our thought processes change if we assumed a positive outcome? And it's been quite a fascinating, fascinating responses actually that I get. That's a very good discerning question actually, because people tend to catastrophise and actually what happens is when you turn the thing on its head and say, look, how would your reaction be if you did get that job? That you're really afraid to go for and you don't want to go for it because you think somebody else is going to get it.

And then when you get it, well, how are you going to be? So have you ever considered how you'd handle yourself? And it really does make people think. I'm just going to move on to that second barrier is unresolved emotional wounds. I am a mother-daughter coach as well as being sort of a general life coach and emotional wounds that are present as you're growing up either as a daughter or if in a relationship as a mother do bear some heavy emphasis on attachment injuries that happen.

So these attachment injuries are what we would call happiness blocks. They're unconscious protective mechanisms that actually prevent us from experiencing joy because the nervous system has learned that letting our guard down isn't safe. We don't want, and this comes back to what you're saying, what happens if we allow ourselves to be happy? Yeah, this cannot be underestimated really.

And I work with trauma every day and without processing the trauma it's extremely difficult to move forward towards happiness. So I do want to caveat this whole podcast, I mean, this whole episode with people with trauma, intense, you know, the whole process of getting to happiness is a more complicated journey. So I want to acknowledge that.

Yeah, you're right. I mean, it can't be underestimated but again, it's multifactorial. The third barrier involves maladaptive coping strategies.

Now we've talked about maladaptive parts in previous episodes and what role they have to play. These are behaviours that we develop to manage pain but ultimately prevent genuine happiness. They're blocking us.

I think about emotional eating where we're desperate to be a particular weight or size or whatever but actually we're sad. So we think, okay, well, I'm going to eat something, a bit of that chocolate cake and that will make me feel a little bit better. People who have unhappy home lives, who spend a lot more time in their work environment overdoing that.

So the workaholic. People who are people pleasers, they don't want to confront having that conversation about something that's making them deeply unhappy. So they go, okay, do you know what? I'll just do what everybody else wants.

I'll put myself at the back of the queue and actually that creates sort of inner frustration and so forth. So these strategies might provide us with a bit of temporary relief and they make us feel, okay, I'm just coping with this situation but actually they keep us stuck in a perpetual cycle that prevent authentic well-being which I think ultimately is the actual core of happiness. Authentic well-being is probably a better word than happiness, a better phrase, right? Yep, definitely.

In fact, you know, the therapeutic relationship becomes a lab for happiness and in therapy, clients experience perhaps for the first time what it feels like to be truly seen, accepted and valued for who they are, not what they do or what they achieve. And this corrective emotional experience can be really transformative. I've seen it work actually.

I love that notion of a transformative lab for happiness. Yeah. And this brings us to a key insight.

Happiness isn't the absence of negative emotions. It's the ability to experience the full spectrum of human emotion whilst still choosing to move forward towards the ones that really matter to us, the relationships, the fulfilment at work. In therapy, we learn that sadness, anger, fear and anxiety aren't enemies of happiness.

They're part of the rich tapestry that you have to feel. You know, if you didn't feel all of those emotions, you would be very blunted as an individual. And so, you know, it makes us human to feel all those emotions.

As well as the elusive happiness. So in summary, whilst there may be quite a lot of doom and gloom, this can be overcome through self-care, self-compassion and supportive relationships. There's this notion of post-traumatic growth that many people after deep hardship report developing greater resilience, deeper appreciation for life and stronger relationships and a clearer sense of purpose.

Yeah, right. I mean, you know, we're not saying trauma is good. It isn't.

But actually what we're saying is healing is very much possible with mindful techniques, support. Happiness can return and often in a wiser, more grounded way because you have experienced the darkest depths of what unhappiness is. So happiness after trauma is different.

It's resilient. It is, you know, the phoenix from the ashes type thing. You have absolutely experienced everything and now you've found yourself in a new place, in a new environment where you are really thriving.

So while therapy focusses on healing, we want to talk now about a coaching framework I sometimes use with clients which I call the Thrive Model. So T for thoughts, H for habits, R for relationship, I for impact, V for values and E for energy. So thoughts.

We've talked about this before, reframing exercises. Carol Dweck calls a growth mindset where you're open to think about the challenges you're facing. You're not all doom and gloom.

You're like, okay, you know what? This is it. How am I going to get around it? The question is, why am I thinking like this? Maybe I can think differently that's going to help me out. How do I think in a way that serves my goals and values? Yeah, I absolutely love that.

You know, how does this benefit me is the question. Yeah. The H are habits which are the building blocks of happiness.

And research shows that approximately 40% of our daily actions are habits, which means that nearly half of everything we do is on autopilot. So from a coaching perspective, I believe this can be incredibly empowering because it means we can engineer environment and routines to support happiness. That's right.

And you know, that great book by James Clear, Atomic Habits, if you haven't read it, I think it's a really good book. It actually gives you a clear plan for how to do habits, micro habits, habits stacking, all of the above. That's really good.

So I work with my clients to identify what I call happiness habits. Small daily practises that compound over time, like James Clear says, stacking. This might include a morning gratitude practise.

It might include take early cup of coffee back to the bedroom, sitting in bed, planning your day, thinking your thoughts, regular exercise in the evenings, maybe meditation, or even something as simple as making your bed each morning. The key is consistency and intentionality. Yep, definitely.

The next one, the R, the relationships are perhaps the strongest predictor of happiness. In fact, the Harvard study of adult development, which has followed people for over 80 years, found that good relationships keep us happier and healthier. And I've seen this in my practise all the time.

One of the most prevalent causes of unhappiness is loneliness. And I, you know, so many people sitting in the chair in front of me, I just say, you know, I'm just lonely. I don't have anyone to talk to.

I don't have anyone to bond with. I don't have anyone to share my life with or share my thoughts with. So this is a recurring theme.

This relationship or the lack of causing unhappiness or being a, you know, fundamental reason for unhappiness is just a theme that I see coming across all the time. Well, we are social creatures. We are human.

Humans are highly sociable. And then to find that you are constantly alone is not something, by contrast, also being constantly bombarded by people is not a good thing. And depending on what kind of character you are, look, I'm an empath.

I need my solitude. I'm happy to listen to people, do it in the workplace. I'm a medic.

You know, we have to recharge our batteries. And solitude is an essential time for me. So, you know, it's not all bad, but I completely agree with you that loneliness is emerging as one of the top causes of unhappiness.

We're not just talking about romantic relationships and family friendships. I would say some of my strongest friendships are equivalent to my family relationships, professional networks. You know, the place I work is my family, actually, my extended family.

I have been through a huge amount in my time working at this particular environment. And actually, the people who have surrounded me and my work has got me through 90% of that. So as a coach, though, I help clients audit their relationships, identify which ones energise them and which ones drain them, those so-called energy vampires, and develop skills to help my clients deepen meaningful connections, to dig down, be brave, say, do you know what? I'm not going to go and see that friend who every time I sit with her, she talks to me about all her problems.

I come back feeling like I have no energy and I just need to go to bed. And actually, what I'm going to do is surround myself. You know that phrase, like-minded people.

You have to find people who are maybe going through the same thing as you sometimes. Support groups and things. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Shazia, what does it mean about impacts in the Thrive Model? Impact, yeah, impact relates to contribution and meaning. So Viktor Frankl said, Those who have a why to live can bear with almost any how. I love that.

It's such a strong statement. Coaches like you, I think, work with clients to identify how they want to contribute to the world, whether that's through their career, volunteer work, parenting, or creative expression. This is quite personal for me, actually.

So when I found this career, where I find that I'm adding value, making a difference, you know, changing even one person's life, it changed how I saw myself, how I viewed the world, how I viewed others. And it's changed how I generally feel. You know, I feel much happier.

So I think this impact is an important one. And you know, that comment that we had recently about our last podcast, where somebody said, they really resonated with what we said. They were going through a difficult period in their life.

They were receiving some sort of treatments and embarking on a different stage of their life. And they said that we really helped them. And they made me so happy, actually.

And, you know, obviously the conversations between us about, hey, even if this podcast just helps one person, we will be made up. That's it. The beautiful thing about focussing on impact is that it takes us outside of ourselves, right? When we're contributing to something larger than our own happiness, we often find that happiness emerges as a byproduct.

So it's really lovely. Yeah, so less about woe is me and more about, OK, let me do something that might, you know, as you say, give me joy. Joy.

So what about the values part, Monita? Yeah, I love talking about values with my clients. And it's not something that people talk about. You know, I think we should talk about values at school.

I think we should talk about, so values are our internal compass. There are things that we have been brought up with to rely on as signposts in our life. Things like integrity, things like friendship, things like confidence, things that really help clients clarify what truly matters to them.

Not what they think they should matter, not what their parents or societal values, but actually what really matters to them. Do they have somebody in their life that's constantly lying to them? Does that absolutely go against the grain? You know, what I say to my clients, when our life aligns with our values, and I would say, imagine you're on a journey. There are signposts.

Your values are your signposts. When you take the correct route and you follow your values, life seems to be relatively tranquil and harmonious. When you go against your values, so let's say one of your values is truthfulness, and you find you're in a situation where you're perhaps in a relationship, you're lying.

That really goes against your grain, okay? That makes your waters very choppy. That makes your life internally like a washing machine, and it's really very negative. So I would say, try and align with your values and look at them every six months.

Go back. Where am I with my values? Why am I feeling like this? Am I feeling really dreadful because actually I'm doing things that I don't align with? So Shazi, your perspective on that little monologue. Yeah.

Yeah, the value congruent behaviour is what you call it, isn't it? Strongly associated with well-being and life satisfaction. The last one in that list was energy management, which in my world, the simple word for that is self-care. This includes physical energy through nutrition, exercise and sleep, but also emotional and mental energy.

So to be able to do all the things for the habits, to build on our habits, to give back, all these things require some level of energy. So we need to take care of ourselves. I use the phrase, we can't pour from an empty cup.

So it's important to make sure that we look after ourselves. So true, so true. So the coaching mindset says you have more power than you realise to influence your own happiness.

And with the right strategies, support and commitment, you can create sustainable well-being in your life. Authentic well-being. I'm going to talk now, we're moving to the last bit of our podcast, which is probably the most helpful to you as a strategy, which is practical strategies about how you integrate insights that we've talked about today, coaching strategies, therapy strategies to actually create that authentic well-being self-happiness.

So Shazi, here we've got five evidence-based practises that you all can start implementing today. So number one is the daily check-in practise. This combines therapeutic self-awareness with the coaching action orientation.

So each evening, ask yourself three questions. What did I feel today? What did I learn about myself? And what's the one thing I can do tomorrow to move towards what matters to me? This simple practise builds emotional intelligence whilst maintaining forward momentum. These are really powerful questions and I don't use them every day, but I definitely do use the what did I feel today question and what did I learn about myself? Those are the two I use quite regularly.

And I'm going to try and do that because I don't do any of them. So I think it's something that I would definitely try myself as well. So number two, values-based goal setting.

So instead of setting goals based on what you think is going to make you happy, the four by four 2025 model, set goals that align with your core values. If connection is a key value, your goal might be to have one meaningful conversation with somebody once a week. If creativity matters to you, come 15 minutes of and do 15 minutes of creative expression.

When your goals reflect your values, your journey becomes fulfilling, tranquil, harmonious. Yeah, nice one. Number three is the gratitude plus practise.

Now traditional gratitude exercises ask you to list things you're thankful for. The plus version adds Munita's coaching element. For each item that you're grateful for, identify one action that you can take to honour or build upon it.

So if, for example, you're grateful for your health, maybe you commit to a walk. If you're grateful for a friend, perhaps you send them a text. This transforms gratitude from just passive appreciation to active engagement.

Yeah, totally right on. Absolutely. And number four, emotional surfing.

We use that expression quite a lot. And what does it actually mean? So it's a therapeutic concept with a bit of a coaching twist. It involves riding emotional difficulties that you're having rather than fighting with them.

So, you know, when you notice yourself feeling sad or angry or anxious, try and treat that emotion as a very dear friend. Think, what is my dear friend trying to tell me? They know me so well. Are they trying to tell me that I need to take stop, stop, think? What am I feeling? Why am I feeling? Then ask yourself a question on top of that.

What is this emotion telling me? And is this value-aligned action that I can take to improve it? So don't shy away from your emotions. They know you very well. Treat them as a good friend.

Don't always need to take their advice, but you listen to them as you would a respected friend of yours and take on board what they're saying. Yeah, all our emotions have messages. So we need to listen to them, definitely.

Number five is the happiness audit. Monthly, review your life across different domains. Your relationships, work, health, personal growth, fun, contribution.

Rate your satisfaction in each area and then identify one small change you could make in your lowest rated domain. This combines some therapeutic self-reflection with coaching biases towards action and continuous improvement. This is a good, this is a really good exercise, actually.

I think I'm going to try it. You can make it like a little pie chart and put percentages of in each of these areas and then focus on which area needs some extra love. So very interesting.

So this, what you're describing is the wheel of life tool that we use in coaching. So the first session of any coaching that anybody has with me is to go through their wheel of life. And what we find is the wheel is not a perfect circle.

It is often deficient in certain areas and that is then the basis of the life coaching that is bespoke for my clients. So what you're describing is exactly that. The wheel of life and its facets and how we go through it.

So remember, sustainable happiness isn't about maintaining a constant state of joy, pathological happiness. We don't want that. It's about developing skills so that you are equipped to navigate when you're not feeling great and you're trying to listen to yourself and think, well, what is it that's really niggling at me? Why am I feeling like this? And then you can make small, small changes to move forward.

So as we wrap up today's exploration of happiness, the psychotherapy and the coaching lens, I want to leave you guys with three key takeaways. Number one, happiness is not a destination. It's a practise.

It's not something that you achieve once and then maintain effortlessly. It requires ongoing attention, intention and action. Yeah, very good.

Number two, your happiness matters not just to you, but to everybody around you. When you prioritise your well-being, you show up more fully in your relationships. You contribute more effectively at work and you have more healthy living for yourself and for others.

Taking care of your happiness isn't selfish. It's an absolute must. Yep, definitely.

Number three, you don't have to choose between feeling good and doing good. Both are possible between pleasure and purpose, between healing your past and creating your future. The most fulfilling life integrates insights from both therapeutic healing and coaching growth.

Thank you, Shazia. So for my listeners, your action step for this week, choose one practise we discussed today. Commit to it for the next seven days, whether it's a daily check-in, how am I feeling, values-based goal setting, emotional surfing.

Remember, consistency matters more than perfection. Good enough and doing something is better than not doing anything at all. Yeah, and remember, if you're struggling with persistent unhappiness, depression or anxiety, please do consider reaching out to a qualified mental health profession.

Therapy can provide the foundation for healing that makes the coaching strategies even more effective. Thank you for joining me, Munita. And thank you, Shaz, for joining me today.

If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who might benefit. And remember, your happiness is not a luxury, it's a necessity. So you deserve a life that feels both meaningful and joyful.

So until next time, keep growing, keep healing and keep thriving. It's a bye from me, Munita. And it's a bye from me, Shazia.

Thank you for joining us on Flawed and Fabulous, where we embrace our imperfections and our potential. Remember, growth happens in the space between who we are and who we're becoming. Until next time, be kind, stay curious and have no fear of discovering yourself.

Knowing that wherever you are right now is where you're exactly meant to be. This is me, Munita. And this is me, Shazia, reminding you to stay flawed and stay fabulous and allow yourselves to be beautifully imperfect.

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