01 | How I Found Grace When I Thought God Was Done with Me

Welcome to the very first episode of Through Him! In this intro, I’m sharing the heart behind the podcast — why it exists, who it’s for, and what you can expect moving forward. I’m also joined by my sister, Michele Romans, for a fun, heartfelt conversation about what it means to live life through Him. Whether you're juggling work, motherhood, relationships, or your own spiritual growth, my hope is that this space helps you slow down, breathe deep, and be reminded that you don't have to do it all on your own. We're doing life through Him — not by our own strength.

Let’s begin this journey together.

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Transcript

Intro | Welcome to the very first episode of Through Him and a look at what you can expect from this show.

0:06

Hey, friend, welcome to Through Him. I'm your host, Jamie Puentes. If you're a woman who wants to live through Jesus in the ordinary, messy, beautiful, every day, this community is for you, we'll explore what it looks like to live through him in every area of life, marriage, motherhood, business and finances, health, and more. I'm so glad you're here. Let's dive in. Hey y'all. Welcome to the very first episode of Through Him. I am so excited you're here. I have got a special treat to kick things off. My amazing sister Michelle Romans is joining me today and she actually agreed to flip the script and interview me. We're talking all about the heart behind this podcast. What it really means to live through him and how this space came to life. We're also diving into mom life, like what surrender really looks like when the laundry's piled high and your toddler's melting down and how God shows up even in the smallest moments. You'll laugh with us through some quotable moments, like hot mess, whatever, and big bag of condemnation, and maybe even cry with us as we share the more vulnerable parts. When I honestly thought God was so disappointed in me that he was done with me forever, we touch on it all. So grab your coffee or your beverage of choice and settle in. Let's get into it.

Michele 1:48

​Hey.

Jami 1:49

Hey.

Michele 1:50

We're here and this, podcast is sponsored by four napping, well, four children who are supposed to be napping.

Jami 1:58

Most of whom are not

Michele 2:00

most of them are not. Two, two of mine are. that's pretty good.

Jami 2:04

I think we're getting close with mine.

Michele 2:06

Okay. I like it. I feel like there are other moms probably who would understand, they might even be listening to this while their kid is napping or not

Jami 2:15

Or they're hoping they're

Michele 2:16

or they hope they do. Yeah, exactly. Anyways, this is fun. This is basically, we are taking our all of our audio memos that we already send to each other and making it into an official podcast.

Jami 2:30

Yeah, it's like our little road show,

Michele 2:32

Yeah.

Jami 2:32

roads show.

Michele 2:34

maybe not as raw as some of the

Jami 2:37

No, this is the more edited version maybe We'll

Michele 2:40

Maybe we'll, do an uncut version later and we'll release the real audio messages. Oh, Oh, man.

Jami 2:48

I feel like we need to somehow get paid for that. That maybe worth it.

Michele 2:53

because I feel like the audio messages show the the inpro

Jami 2:58

Yeah, hopefully all of this will show the end process my hope.

Michele 3:03

Yeah. We'll bring it out. So

Jami 3:05

em out. bring,'em out.

Michele 3:06

bring So I guess it's probably important to say our names. I'm Michelle. I, I am not the host of this podcast. I am just interviewing the host today.

Jami 3:20

Yes. And I'm the host Jamie, and Michelle is my sister, younger older in wisdom years, in actual years younger. So thanks for kind of stepping in as host slash interviewer today.

Michele 3:37

Yeah,

Jami 3:37

it. Helping me get started and get outta my own head a little bit and just share some stories hopefully.

Michele 3:44

Yeah. it's a little harder to like see in your own story the things that might be impactful to other people. But I can tell there have been different friends in my life that I've been like, well, here's my sister's, someone who did this. I should, I should connect you guys. So I feel like hopefully, we'll, it'll be kind of a connection point for a lot of people who have gone through similar things, or at least can relate in some kind of way to some of your process and journey with the Lord and life and all of that kind of

Jami 4:12

Yeah, exactly. That's the hope.

Michele 4:15

So tell us a little bit about who, who is Jamie Puentes?

Jami 4:23

Yeah, everyone gets Puentes now. They're like, uh,

Michele 4:28

Mm-hmm. Yeah. you don't look like a, you don't look like a, Puentes.

Jami 4:31

Yeah. When they see me, they're like, oh, wait, you're white. Why is your name Pues? So on that note, I married a handsome Colombian man named Julio, and we have a named Noah a year and a half, which is crazy. I have two bonus sons Zach and Bradley. And we live in South Florida now, but I'm originally from Georgia, detect a little of the Southern accent. I don't really notice when it comes out but people catch me on it sometimes. Still down

Michele 5:03

When I listen to myself back, I'm like, oh no. I definitely am still southern. I thought I wasn't, I'm up north, up north, north. Georgia

Jami 5:11

Yeah, north to us.

Michele 5:14

yeah, it didn't go away.

Jami 5:16

yeah, sometimes I pick it up when I hear your videos or messages or something. I'm like, she's still got it. She's still in the south.

Michele 5:24

do too.

Jami 5:25

So We grew up in a small town. I think it's important relatable for some people. Other people might be like, Hmm, do I wanna listen to this girl? A little small town girl. But I think it's important just to mention, because I feel like a lot of that shaped who I am, maybe who we are. I think it shaped, like value in Relationships and going deeper with people and those deeper connections instead of just like surface level relationships or conversations. So I say that, I say the small town thing because for better or worse, you do get to know people really well

Michele 6:00

You really do.

Jami 6:01

and you also develop this deep sense of loyalty in your relationships. So I'm thankful for that. We both, you and I no longer live in this town we grew up in, but it still, I know holds a special place in our hearts and we're still back. All the time. That's kind of our central point of connection. When we get our boys together and we have family visits and stuff, it's fun to go back. So, you know, I think that that was an important part of growing up, even in the country a little bit too, and on the lake and riding seadoos and having fun and all of that. But at the same time, it also offered a cool opportunity to grow up in a small church and a really tight church community that really was like an extended family. For me. I know we were six years apart, so it was like we kinda went to different churches at different points. But that little church across the street from, uh, mama and Daddy's, I can think we can't have a podcast.

Michele 6:59

have to just go ahead and get it out of the way. We say, daddy, when we talk about our dad.

Jami 7:04

and Mama. Some people

Michele 7:06

what we say. You know what people, people from our hometown are gonna be like, yeah. What else would you call your dad? He's daddy. But everyone else was gonna be like, uh, what are y'all saying? I've gotten it

Jami 7:15

You said what?

Michele 7:16

What, what are y'all saying? So anyways, we're getting it out of the way

Jami 7:21

The y'alls and the mom and daddies.

Michele 7:23

the, There would be a lot of y'alls, Here we go.

Jami 7:25

bless our hearts. Okay. I don't even know what I was saying.

Michele 7:31

Small. Yeah. Small church. Yeah. We went to different, we went to different churches at different times. I feel like that's kind of odd actually, now that you say that. What was your, uh, I guess like childhood. Childhood, what was like your first experience with the Lord? Like, just to kind of give an

Jami 7:50

I think it young childhood started out as just kind of the way I am wired anyway. And this came out in school too of looking for rules to follow and a way to achieve. And so that is just, I think maybe a natural. Gift and curse for me. That has both hurt and benefited me in different times in different ways. So that came out a lot in my faith in the early years. And so I was always at church. I was helping volunteer for things. I was memorizing the verses and I Had perfect attendance and all the but pretty shocking it was really like a play. I probably don't wanna share this'cause it was kind of messed up, but it was a pretty shocking way for me to understand that those things were not gonna connect me with God. They were not even what he was asking of me. Those things are sometimes helpful and when I say those things, I mean like reading your Bible or memorizing scripture or even being part of a church community. Those things are all good and. They can point you to God and help you in your relationship to God, but they don't take the place of it.

Michele 8:59

Mm-hmm.

Jami 9:00

And I didn't understand that for a long time. And it wasn't until adulthood that I fully understood. But as a kid, I think I had at around age 10, I think it was, was when I first, like you had to go to the front of the church, you know, you couldn't just raise your hand, you had to go to the front to say I give my life to Jesus. And so I did that And then got baptized in actually our front yard.'cause our, our house was across the street and on the lake. And so we just walked down the little boat ramp and I got baptized and it was beautiful. and I think that it absolutely was genuine, but I, I realized years and years later as an adult that it wasn't a full surrender And it wasn't a full. Anywhere near a full understanding of who God is and the type of relationship he wants to have with me. It was almost like a ticket to heaven. like, I thought, okay, this gets me in the door. I'm good when I die, but here in this life I have to be a good person, be perfect, do it all on my own. And Jesus has set this standard that I have to be perfect and now I have to go strive and try to do it. And so when I would fail, which was obviously daily, all day long it brought up all this guilt and shame. And so I didn't realize really probably until recently, the amount of guilt and shame I just carried on like a daily basis and especially related to my relationship with God. I.

Michele 10:31

Mm-hmm.

Jami 10:32

And that's not what he's ever wanted for me. And I feel like for my whole life, he's been crying out. To me, like in, in genuinely intimate ways to say this isn't what I want for you. This isn't what I'm asking of you. Just come to me. Just let it all go. Trust me with it. And it took A lifetime, half a lifetime, not a full

Michele 10:52

Yeah.

Jami 10:53

Took,, it took a long time for him to really untangle some of those false beliefs and false identities and just like habits and patterns. So I think that's a big part of this podcast and really what we're gonna talk more about, but that just as a kid was my first understanding of religion. It was more about following the rules and being a good person all of that rather than walking in faith and relationship.

Michele 11:22

I had like 17 thoughts as you were talking, but your whole podcast is about this, so we have time to get to all of

Drifting from God | The season when I thought God was done with me.

Jami 11:29

17 more

Michele 11:30

17 episodes. I got them in my head. They're all here. I guess I'll try to just stick to the order though,'cause I'd make it easier. The next thing I was gonna touch on, I can't remember if we even have talked about this that much. I don't know how much you even feel like this is a part of the journey to, to touch on, but I know there was an extended period of time, maybe teenage college years, something in there. Again, I'm six years younger, so I don't know exactly everything that was going on, but the teenage to college years that you feel like you? weren't following the Lord or pursuing the Lord. Do you feel like you remember a moment where you decided not to do that? Or was it kind of like a

Jami 12:10

So I'm gonna tell the story then I may cut it.

Michele 12:13

Okay.

Jami 12:14

I just realized I have something in my teeth.

Michele 12:16

You know what? If you don't cut this story, now I just got juicy and everyone is leaned in.

Jami 12:21

I am leaving that part in. If I

Michele 12:23

don't even know. I don't even know what you're about to say. So I'm excited.

Jami 12:28

Well, I mean, it's kind of, sad in a way, but also I think relatable. So that's why I'm gonna at least say it because it's, it's really like a story I hesitate to tell but probably a, a, story that's really relatable. So I believe, like I said, I was trying to follow all the rules and one of the big rules growing up, at least in that religious culture, was about sexual purity and waiting until marriage and all of that. But it had a very shame-based and condemning. Nature about it as far as like if you, if you don't wait till marriage. And so I totally latched onto that and I was judging people left and right that I thought weren't living the way they should. so then the pride and the religious spirit and me was building myself up and like, oh, I'm gonna wait till marriage and blah, blah, blah, And really that pride and religious spirit can be more toxic than the sin itself. I mean, it is sin, but you know, the, the sin that's more obvious. But I didn't See that so fast forward, got a boyfriend not a first b, one of the first boyfriends, and he wasn't following the Lord. He, he was pushing boundaries with me and That was really hard because you're in this relationship. You're, first of all, you're young, you're vulnerable because you want to be liked and you want to be noticed, and you want to be loved really is what it boils down to. And so you do as much as you can as far as keeping the other person happy, but also trying to stick to what You have decided for yourself. So long story short, he pushed too many boundaries with me physically, and that in my mind was a deal breaker with God. I thought, God is done with me. There's no going there's no, I didn't, I knew about the commandments and the standards that God ask of us, but I, wasn't focusing on, or I didn't understand his love and grace and I didn't understand what happens when. you fall short.'cause it says we all fall short. And so I remember a specific moment and I thought after that that God was just done with me. And I haven't really shared this with a lot of people and know if I'll share it publicly, but I think a lot, I think it has happened to a lot of girls especially. And it's kind of like, it's one of those things we don't talk about enough. So everyone just kind of lives in their own shame and they're like, well, I'll just kind of bury it or figure it out. But that's not helping anyone.

Michele 15:20

Yeah.

Jami 15:21

So I thought I broke the relationship with God to a point that he abandoned me, that he rejected me, that I was no longer acceptable to him. And all my striving and all my, you know, being a good person was worthless. I didn't know it was worth kind of worthless in the beginning, but now I was like, oh, well he can't forgive me for And so that was sort of the beginning. I don't think it was like the next day I was out, like trying to buy meth or anything crazy. I've, I have never done that, by the way.

Michele 15:57

Yeah. Maybe clarify

Jami 15:58

We have not, we have not gone down that path ever. Yeah. Important clarification. But I think like with anything else, once that, false identity

Michele 16:07

Hmm.

Ten Years Lost | Rebellion, shame, and pain kept me from returning — until I couldn’t run anymore.

Jami 16:09

embedded and starts to take root and the shame and the guilt and all of that starts to separate you so much from God's love that you really just, you abandoned the relationship with him because you think he's already abandoned it. And at least that's what happened for me. it it was. I do remember a moment, but it was slow after that as far as like, well if I'm not acceptable to him, then I, it. doesn't matter what I do. And so that was another, honestly, 10 years of living like that and living in this weird phase of hurt, but also rebellion with shame, with more rebellion and just this pattern over and over and just feeling so lost and, and not knowing my value. living like I don't know my value. And so it just really stole a lot of joy and a lot of years of my life. You wouldn't have known it looking on from the outside, everything was like, you know, it was the college years and the teenage years and the early twenties and I was having fun. Yeah. And I was traveling and partying and I was the fun person, but. At the end of the day, there was something was broken and I refused to slow down long enough to acknowledge what it was or even ask myself what it was.

Michele 17:34

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I really hope you share that.'cause I feel like I can see, as you were talking, I was like, oh man, there's gonna be so many girls. Like, oh, thank God someone else is saying this because I feel the same way. Or, or it, they feel like they have gone through something like that, or they're discipling someone who's going through that. I feel like it is very common and it is challenging because if someone was going through that and had opened up with the Jamie before she went through that, you would've judged you know? And I and I

Jami 18:04

Aura would've told her all the things she needed to do To make up for

Michele 18:09

Right, I think I was thinking This too while you were talking, I think it's probably also. An interesting thing to clarify, we didn't have hyper religious parents either. We come from really fun parents and parents who want good things and want good values and, try to put us in places where we would, Make good choices and stuff like that. So even that is kind of unique because they were not putting pressure on you, like they weren't you or trying to make you be religious or anything like that, which is also kind of unique that you just picked it up anyways.

Untangling the Lies | Letting go of blame and learning to see the Church through a lens of compassion.

Jami 18:44

Yeah, and I've realized that in the past few, I say five or 10 years as I've gone through this whole healing process, I at wanted to blame Church and like the version of religion that I learned as a kid. But at this point I realize it. I don't think it was that, I think it was my interpretation of. Some, Some, teachings that are really biblical. I think that they were teaching the Bible and they were teaching truth and I was hearing truth. But you know, the devil loves to take what's true and just put a slight twist on it and especially a slight twist that's unique to you

Michele 19:24

Mm-hmm.

Jami 19:25

that you would just take it and run with it and then it would, it would, sound like truth, but it's actually like a little bit of a lie and it's one degree off. But if you're, you know, you keep going for years one degree off, you end up somewhere where you're totally not supposed to be. So I have had to forgive and work through that even toward the church and really learn to love what I had as in a church community and, and realize that it was some of, even like my. Childhood ways of interpreting that incorrectly. There's always some way, as a kid, we get wounded by something or we misunderstand something. So I think that's really what happened is I was taking some of these things and I was twisting them, or I was believing lies of the enemy was, twisting them for me. yeah, there was no one saying you are going to hell if you do. I mean, maybe they did. I don't, I don't blatantly remember that it was, it was more of a feeling that you had. And Honestly, it's brought a lot of compassion and sympathy for me toward people in the church because if they were, I don't know if they were teaching it that way, but if that was the message I was receiving, my, my little 10-year-old Jamie Hart was receiving, then that means they probably didn't know God's love either. If they weren't able to Share it and communicate it with me fully, all the grace and mercy and like what happens when you do mess up? What happens when you do sin? That means they probably were also living in shame and they were probably also living with, guilt and they probably also struggled with, well what now? Like does God still loved me? So it's important to realize the value of that they provided, but also to forgive any miscommunication have happened.

Michele 21:19

that, I mean, I feel like that's really powerful because I think Right now it feels all or nothing like either your church made a mistake and so now the church is bad, or either, even though a lot of times it's individuals, and it could be multiple individuals, it could be multiple churches that that can happen. So I do get that, I think that, I think that is powerful. Even what you're saying about. the Fact that it is a misunderstanding with them, which is heartbreaking as well, and something that you and potentially just a misunderstanding as a kid. Like it's all, it's all possible, all mixed in there.

Alone vs. Connected | The difference between isolation and church community — from my single days to hot mess moms chasing toddlers.

Returning to God | Learning to live Through Him — as a work in progress overcoming guilt and shame.

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Influences & Direction | Your direction is determined by your influences — and no one wants to be hit with a big bag of condemnation!

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Who Told You It Had to Be Perfect? | Striving vs. receiving — the gift of surrender.

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Who This Podcast Is For | For the woman who just went through a breakup, is waiting longer than she wants, figuring out mom life, or stepping out to launch a business — this space was made with you in mind.

Jami 21:55

Yeah, so One thing, church community's important I have actually a lot of resources we send back and forth of our favorite preachers and churches and all of that. There's amazing value, but there is nothing that can replace you sitting with the Bible and reading the Bible for yourself. And so I think to your point, and it's funny, even this past Sunday our preacher was saying everyone has bias. I have bias. Every preacher, everyone, when you come to the Bible, you have bias. You're reading it from your own experiences, your own history, your own everything. And so any preaching, any teaching you hear is gonna be through the lens of that person's life and their understanding. And so I think it's so important for us to keep going back to the Bible and praying and asking God what's true and is this a lie or is this a bit of truth mixed with a lie? And so I think after years of That process, you come up with some surprising things. that is a good point. That is important to say. Yeah, we have, We have loved the past few churches we've been at. We moved, so that was part of changing churches. But the church we're at now is called Life Church and it's specifically the Wellington location and they have locations all over the US and they're actually the ones who created the u version Bible app, which everyone should. Yeah. They started creating all these resources, for themselves and they decided to just share them for free with other churches. And that's how I, know it's crazy. So that's how the u version Bible app came about. And then they also have a kids, I was actually gonna share it with you the other day, a kids Bible app. That's pretty fun, I think. Uh, I know I know Caman would love it. He would probably memorize all the stories. But yeah, we love our church. we shifted churches just to get more engaged in community.'cause that was something that we were having a hard time just aligning. And we loved the people at the other church we were at, but it was just something with like logistics of groups. You know, We weren't upset about anything and we loved the teaching and the preaching at this location and we're finding community. So it is important to still stay plugged in. I think I actually do miss, I miss it from my single days because I was like really, really involved in strong community at the church and I was going on mission trips and I was serving, but I have a 1-year-old, so it's a different season and it's trying to figure out, it's like trying, attempting a mom's group at a playground and you bring 7,000 snacks. And they don't last very long. You're, you're handing snacks to this child, you've strapped into a stroller because otherwise he's gonna run a thousand miles an hour and you half participate in the conversation because you're on snack duty, and then once he's over it, you have to run around the playground and the conversation's over. So Yeah. so I, I have a group or two like that, but then others that are more just like without kids or either the kids are in another room and you can really dive deep. So that's been a game changer for me actually, after. I went through a tough season recently and then so getting back plugged into community has been really refreshing. It makes you feel like you're not the only one, like you're not alone. Hopefully what this podcast does too of like you're not alone. You're not the only one dealing with X, Y, and Z, and you're not the only one feeling alone because I think everyone feels alone because they assume everyone else is out there in these amazing friendships and communities and they're actually not. Yeah. And to preface that so I don't forget to say it, the through him concept and name and everything is very much from me being a work in progress in that area. And I don't want anyone to think I'm, I started this podcast because I'm an expert now and how to live through God. And I think it's honestly more for me and my transformation than anyone else. I hope other people benefit too, but it's become a daily really like, question for me of like, am I handing this over to him? Am I trusting him with this? Or when things start to get stressful or overwhelming, that's a sign that I, I'm not living through him, that I'm trying to do things for him or with him. So, to back up, The very fast forward version is I went through probably that 10 year season of doing things my way, living life, having fun, but just not really knowing who I was or what I was supposed to be doing. It felt, felt a little lost, but I didn't slow down enough to admit to myself that I felt that way. So that looked like different attempts at career things, different relationships, Trying to live different places and move different places. and we'll tell a lot more of those stories later. But I slowly, I don't remember a specific moment, but it was, it was kind of subtle and slow that I started. Just kind of turning back to God. It wasn't this elaborate, dramatic thing. It was just like, maybe I'll listen to this one sermon that someone sent me and I related to it. And then maybe I dug out my childhood bible from somewhere and was like, oh, look at what a little bible nerd I was. And just little things like that. And it started turning my heart back to him and it started just being kind of just a place to be refreshed, I guess. And that ended up being so necessary.'cause that was another tough season. That was some craziest stuff that happened and we'll talk about it later, but it ended up turning my whole world upside down and I needed him so much. And so I see now looking back how God made this little breadcrumb trail for me to find my way back to him just in time to be so desperate for him. He was really like the main thing I clung to and trusted in. And so it's a beautiful story. It's a painful story. I'm sure a lot of people have gone through something similar, but we'll talk about that probably another day. But that then led me to actually move away from home. I was living back home or in our hometown at that time and I moved to Jacksonville, Florida and that's when I found really amazing community. I found community at work. I found a work family that was amazing and I just had a blast there. It felt like home away from home. I found a really amazing church in Jacksonville, and they were teaching and preaching the word in a way that I needed to hear. It was more of a full understanding of who God is. It was accountability in terms of not living in sin, like intentionally living a sinful life, but also the radical grace and love of God and the, the distance he'll go to save us from sin and ourselves. and so It It started changing my understanding of God, and that starts changing you know, your understanding of yourself. So through good preaching, good teaching, just community week to week, that was super helpful. And also serving in different ways. And then the real pivotal thing, honestly, was my first mission trip. And I hesitate, I, I do wanna talk about the mission trips on the podcast because they were just so pivotal to my relationship with God. But I also hesitate because I know there's people out there who hear the words mission trip, and they disqualify themselves from anything similar that could happen in their lives. They're like, oh, I have kids, so I can't go on a mission trip right now. Or, I have a job, I can't go, or I don't have the money, or whatever. And it wasn't the trip itself that. That did anything. It, you know, I would, I have the same access sitting here in my closet. I have the same access to God here in my closet as I did on the mission field. It was the process of me getting outta my own way. It was a process of me letting go of my agenda, my schedule, my timeline, my to-do list, my, my, my, my, my, It was the process of letting go of control and actually surrendering something to God that allowed for change and it allowed for healing. And other people's testimonies brought out things like today, honestly in this podcast that needed to be healed, that were just living in the dark. And so we're all, a lot of us are walking around with these, these stories or these hurts that are hidden in these, these deep places. and we. haven't found anyone safe to share them with. And so that provided a safe community And a safe place for a lot of those things to come out. And not just for me, but everyone on that trip. It was wild. The amount of hurt and shame that came into the trip and the amount of healing and transformation that happened through the trip. and I'm thankful for that. I wish I could see that happen more often here.'cause I know it's possible, but what it did was help me understand inner healing and how much God can transform anything that happens to us. So that was supposed to be a short version of my relationship transformation. But that's kind of the journey. And so it, it hasn't been pretty, it's been, you know, one step forward, two back. It's been a cycle of hot mess, whatever, and Hot mess, whatever. I think that's, I think that's quotable, hot mess, whatever. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'm trying to remember. Oh, yes. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Hold. Hold your question. I have a hold, hold your questions please. On the OneNote of what you shared about people sharing things with people, When it comes to sharing your faith, even in small small moments or a text or forwarding a sermon, I think it is important to see the value of that in your own obedience, not in the results. So I've gotten caught in that a lot because my tendency is to wanna fix people. And I think a a lot of us want to do that, but we may not admit it, but sometimes when we're sharing something. We almost have two, motivations. So one is a genuine heartfelt motivation to see them changed and to see them transformed and to see them meet God the other Not so great motivation. Maybe an underlying desire to see our own efforts, You know, impact someone. We wanna see the success of our efforts. And so I think it is actually, a benefit to us when God shields us from some of the results of those things. Or we don't see it for years.'cause that's happened to me too, where someone watched me go through this season that we're talking about. Someone watched me. Like, I was close to them in the season and they saw the good, the bad and the ugly. And it wasn't until literally years later that they shared with me that it impacted them. And I had no idea. And I, I didn't, in that season, I wasn't confiding them in them. I wasn't saying how, you know quoting scripture, anything to them. they just were an observer in that time and somehow it impacted them. So I think that's honestly the most freeing way we can serve God and honor him, is to just try to just try to, stay close to him and try to glorify him in whatever season we're in, whether it's happy, sad, hard, whatever, and not worry about who's watching because that that shouldn't matter and it's gonna get in your head. But another point to your point of sharing things with people, I think it matters a lot who you allow to influence you so Who are you allowing in your life, whether it's friends, whether it's family, whether it's uh, boyfriend, girlfriend, whether it's even social media or TV shows or whatever. What are you allowing to influence you and who are you surrounding yourself with? Because that's gonna be the direction you go. And so for me, thankfully I had you and mama and other people who knew the Lord and, and loved me and shared things in a way that wasn't condemning.'cause that was the last thing. I had plenty of self condemnation I did not need and wouldn't have received it. Well, you know, if it came with the big bag of condemnation. Quotable. Big bag of condemnation. Um, I had another thought. What was the second thing you, you talked about that season. Oh yeah. So. The funny, not funny thing about Praying for a sign from God is the glaring question of what will You do if his answer is not what you want? So most of my life I would either tell God what we should do, or I would ask him to give me a sign or ask him to lead me in a direction. But really I wanted him to confirm what I had already decided or the, the relationship I had already invested in or the direction I was already going, the plans I had already made. And so that was really, the season you're talking about was really that where it was months and really like years, I think, of heading in a direction that I knew was probably not the right direction. And the closer I got to God, the more confirmation I got and the more obvious it became. But there was no obedience on my part. And that's really over the last year, obedience has been a big key to hearing from God that I've learned, and I wanna talk about that hopefully in another episode. But I I, still had so much pride and I still, I just wasn't willing to obey what he was telling me. So in his love and in his grace and mercy, he was not gonna allow me to stay on that path. That was a, a hot mess. That was not a hot mess. Whatever that path I was on, I tell you what And at the time, you know, when things fall apart, it can feel like a punishment. It can feel like, well, he did that to me because I didn't obey him or because he was speaking and I didn't follow. But really, I think. I had ignored 7,000 invitations to follow and obey and, and have better. Like, so much better than what I was planning for me. So anyway, I feel like obedience was a big key in that and I wasn't ready to obey. So I was a little bit, not a little bit, I was forced into a new season that I didn't wanna be in, but it was all good. Yeah. Yeah. when, when you're going down a path and your heart keeps breaking or you keep being disappointed or something keeps feeling off, you eventually get to the point where you kind of throw up your hands and you're like, okay, my way's not working. I feel like we're talking so metaphorically, we need to tell the story, but in a future episode. But yeah, I mean, you. You do have those little windows of surrender and God can do so much with those. And I think on that note, I think I told you this recently in one of our thousands of audio messages. I was like, oh wow. Guess what? I realized That if you just lay down your pride and you obey like the first time, it doesn't have to be a painful process. My whole life I thought if God was quote unquote doing something or telling me something or leading me somewhere, I thought, oh, buckle up. It's gonna be painful. It's gonna be it's gonna be tough. I'm gonna have to like wrestle with God. But really just in the last couple months, I remember telling you like, this should not be an aha moment, but it is that it was my pride and control that was making it difficult. The whole time. All these other times, it could have been so easy. It could have just flowed and just skipped along in a meadow through God's will. But instead, I was just wrestling for control constantly, and that's the only thing that made it not the only thing. That's the main thing that made it difficult was just wrestling for my own control while simultaneously saying a half-hearted prayer that I want God's will. I love it. I, love it. It's funny, actually, Levi, convicted me with that one day. I don't know if he even meant to. It was in conversation, like all conversations with Levi go, he just says something, he does a mic drop, and then he doesn't realize he did a mic drop and you're like, wait, what Yeah, it's gonna take me a while to get back to you. But it was just, I think he said it so simply, he was like, delayed obedience is disobedience. And maybe that's from Bill Johnson or another preacher or something. Probably, but also, uh, pastor Levi. But even the, that has come up for me recently, even related to this podcast because this podcast, I wanted to start five years ago when Covid hit, I was Getting into podcasts. I was so excited about it. I was like, oh, maybe I'll do this. Even the end, I think it was the end of 2020, around early 2021, my husband Julio bought me this equipment that I'm using right now. I've had it in boxes in my closet for almost five years and talk about delayed obedience. And I see now It's gonna be better now than it could have been then. But the point is, delayed obedience is disobedience. And I even felt that recently in a, like more of an urgency to record the podcast and get it going and put out something that was imperfect but still out there because you know how I am. I'll try to perfect it a thousand times and then it will just never see the light of day. So. Here we are, mama. Yeah. Yeah. Even when you first said, mama, you, your accent changed. Yeah, you do. Oh my gosh, this is so true. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. that's a good point. and honestly, I still struggle with that feeling of being behind, like I'm behind in what, whatever area, whether it's just. You wake up today, I I, woke up later than I had intended and my kid is already awake, flopping around in the bed. So it could be like a day to day. I'm behind on the day, but also more of a deeper like. I'm behind on my life and where I thought I would be in this season or what I thought I would have in this season. I think that's what you're touching on, is the idea of at this age, I'm gonna have the house and or the husband or the kids or the career, or fill in the blank, whatever the thing is. Whatever the American dream is for you or even a lot of this business stuff you and I have a blast talking about business stuff, but it can make you feel so behind because you're watching everyone else who's already built it, already built the thing, already launched it, already successful. So it doesn't matter what it is, but in whatever area of life you can. Tell yourself that story of I feel behind and I've been through multiple seasons of that. I still today struggle with that. And I think what I learned is kind of what you said of God fast tracking he's already planned for you and so you can't miss out on it. Like I think you touched on this of almost the idea of like, you're gonna be punished or you missed out, or you know, you missed the boat and sorry that ship has sailed and you can't have X, Y, and Z now because you wasted time or you got distracted or whatever the thing is. But he proved me wrong, like dramatically proved me wrong in that. And also I think there's beauty in releasing the timeline. I know at least for women that's kind of hard to do, especially when it comes to having kids.'cause there there is a little bit of a timeline. But I mean we, yeah, I was 36 so there. you go. Date. Dating myself. Yeah. That still felt ri felt risky to say.'cause I'm like, oh, people are gonna think I'm old. But no, I mean, you, you disqualify yourself from certain things because you think it's too late, but that's not true. And I will say too, as you were asking the question and talking through the different seasons, you know, we all have different seasons of ups and downs. When I moved to Jacksonville, things got way better. I had a great season of highs and, learning who God was and learning who I was and building great community around me. But then I also hit a wall with my health and that was the year Papa died. We'll talk about Papa'cause he's One of my favorite people in the world. But that was a really hard time and it led to my health stuff led to a season of depression and anxiety that I had never experienced before. So that was a real, another really hard season. I had a breakup in that season, so it was like perfect storm of all these things again. And that one was really hard to pull myself out of.'cause some of it was physical, like biological things going on too. And I remember going to, sometimes when you're in that place, you have to say yes to things when you don't feel like it. Most of the time you don't feel like it. So I remember going to this event at the beach. It was this, it sounded weird, but I'm like, I, I love the beach and I need some prayer. It was this group of people meeting for prayer and it was people from a couple different churches. They were just like young adults like me. And we went, and at the beginning I remember whoever was leading it was like, okay, let's all just Go off individually and have your moment with God and then we'll come back together and, pray or talk. And everyone went and looked so peaceful and holy on the beach, praying or walking. And I sat there with a little cloud over me because I was, like, I felt so far from God and I felt like I couldn't even talk to him. And I remember I had to force myself to go up to a friend, a close friend, interrupt her prayers, which I'm sure she was fine with, and ask her almost desperately to pray for me and with me because I'm like, I can't do it for myself. And so sometimes that's the place we're in where we have to just Ask for help and we have to realize that someone. Else Else or something else has to pull us outta that place. So I say all that because I was just starting to come outta that season. I was just starting to feel better and have some hope and just starting to work past some of those things when I met my husband so I wasn't at this perfect cleaned up stage. I wasn't like had it all together and had the perfect bot or anything like that. I actually was still just struggling with some things but the struggle that I had in that season, I think led me to open up to some people in the community in a way that actually opened the door for me to meet my husband. And that's a great story for another day. We keep saying that, but lots of stories for other days. But. Just know that you don't have to have it all together. It may be really surprising how or when you meet someone or get the job or have the baby or whatever the thing is, and you're never too far behind that God can't catch you up. That'll preach. Yeah. Yeah. A place of surrender And not striving, not trying to be, have it all together and have it all perfect. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. And I think I even struggle with that. I mean, kind of like you said of even today of things with the podcast or my business or even walking through my house today, it was messier than normal and there were more dishes than normal in the sink. and so even literally today, two hours before we recorded this, I had this. thought, that shouldn't be a surprising thought, but I was like, who told me it has to be perfect? Who told me my sink has to be empty every day and all the toys have to be put up, These are all expectations I'm putting on myself and they're unrealistic. So it's helped me to just have more grace for myself, even in, I mean, yes, in big seasons, but also just day to day of letting go of things and like surrendering So the word surrender recently just hit me differently and I realized I think a reason I've struggled with that thought or that concept when it comes to God is because it sounds like a military defeat. It sounds like you are at war with God and number one you lost and then Against your will. You're having to wave the white flag and lay down Your weapons. And it feels like god has had this military conquest over you, and I know that's not what people actually mean when they say surrender, but It was just something God showed me recently and he actually also showed me, in light of thinking of a father with a child, and if you saw a father who was forcing his child into submission or like trying to exercise that level of control over them, it would, it just doesn't, doesn't describe the character and nature of God as a loving father, as a good shepherd. And so I'm trying to replace surrender with trust. And it's helping because it's helping me with the relational aspect of I can trust him with this, I can trust him with this. And that's really like the heart of surrender. Anyway, but that just made me think of it, what we were talking about earlier, surrender. I honestly don't know how I got on this tangent, but here we are. are. Oh. and you were like, go ahead, monologue about surrender. Oh, some teasers. You going getting a tea tee up some teasers. Yeah. You a hundred percent do. percent do. No, but see this is not the south, I don't live in the south. I live like in New York slash another country is really South Florida is not, is not, the South Jacksonville felt more like Georgia than Florida, like,'cause it's on the border. But yeah, down here in South Florida it's, it's a different world. True. But Tee up some teasers. for us. Yeah. Even as a kid, you notice that, wow. Wisdom from a young age. No judgment. Obviously you also were following us around with the camcorder, like a spy movie or like Blair Witch project. or maybe the bachelor, early bachelor days. Yeah, you would've gotten the real scoop, but anyway. Oh, well see. You knew from a young age media. Bye. Bye college. Well, you're using media right now. Oh, okay. Well anyway, so you were saying no theme with my boys. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a show about my breakups We're gonna give names and addresses. You're welcome. If it makes you feel better, he does look back at some of my exes and say the same thing. Like, what? What? Because they're so, He's like, I'm like, no, you don't. You're special. So one thing, one thing you made me think of too. and I don't know if anyone is in this season, people hate to hear this. Honestly. I hated to hear it when I first heard it, but one thing I didn't touch on until you we'll see. one thing I didn't add in the story in terms of relationships is. taking a break from relationships. Did you know I was gonna say that? You probably didn't remember that. I took a break. I took a I took a break I committed to take a break for at least a year. Yet it was Andy Stanley. He, I don't even remember the sermon, but he had a challenge to people who were really just having a tough time and, and, people who maybe Didn't know who they were or didn't know who they should date, or they were just like me, like kind of more relationships of convenience. He challenged them to take a year off from dating and to see what God could do with that year. And I just actually was audio messaging with another friend recently who she did that too. And that was a hard decision for her. And. she was, I think, a little bit older than I was, so it probably felt more risky for her. But I had actually forgotten that I took that year off from dating until now. But Which just, which ju Yeah. Well it just proves that before the year starts, you're like, a year sounds so long And then now I look back and I had forgotten that I even took a year off. And so there that just like put in perspective, it's not that long. And that was the year that completely transformed my relationship with God, like completely. And that was the year of all these different things we'll talk about later. But I'd say there's value in. Just that one piece. If you're floundering or you're getting hurt in relationships or you just came out of a bad relationship, there is so much value. It doesn't have to be a year, but just set an amount of time. commit to that amount of time because inevitably someone's gonna come up during that amount of time. And actually during that time, there was someone I was interested in and ended up dating them after that year. That didn't work out. But once you make a commitment like that, there's always gonna be a temptation to say, oh, well it's not important, let me just date whoever. But there's value in setting aside that time because your focus shifts and your ability to connect with God is gonna change and your relationship with him is gonna change and benefit from that time. Yeah, Yeah, because again, it goes back to what's influencing us. So if you're focusing on online dating or you're focusing on who everyone else is dating or who everyone else is married to, those are your expectations and maybe the is giving you expectations that are not true or that are for you. And so it just allows your mind to just Be refreshed and take a break and hear from God. About what's specific to you, because that's gonna look different than what everyone else is doing and what's right for everyone else. Oh boy. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And we even touched on that earlier of like who, who set these expectations for you? Who told you that this is the expectation? And again, a lot of it's influences and so it's just kind of recognizing what are you allowing to have influence over you. But I think I'm learning too, of just like seeing my son as a person. This sounds weird, but, seeing him as a person and understanding that sometimes I need to just apologize to him. He can't understand what I mean by that. Maybe on some level he can tell that I'm saying I'm sorry for. Losing my temper or Oh yeah. We never, none of us ever lose our temper. You're not allowed to say that, but you know, you get frustrated. That's what we call it. Instead of getting mad, we're frustrated, but, We all have those mom moments and it just makes you more human. But I hope in this podcast to share the ups and downs as they're happening. Almost really. Because, like you said, it's still all new for me. And it can be one of those things that whispers lies to you. Like you're supposed to have it all figured out. You're supposed to have it all together and you don't. So we're gonna unpack a lot of that too, mom life stuff. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And so that's, that's really the heart behind the podcast. I'm a human, so I have interest in different areas and so I didn't wanna limit it to just one thing. we're just gonna talk about this one thing because there are a lot of different aspects to life that impact us in different seasons. So I'm excited in this podcast to be able to touch on faith, of course is gonna be woven through the whole thing, but also like relationships, friendships, marriage, parenting broken relationships. And health. My husband and I, we've had a lot of ups and downs with our health I have close friends who have had some health stuff and that's just a huge impact on people as well. And then also, like we talked about, business and entrepreneurship, what does that look like? Or even career if you don't wanna be an entrepreneur. So I'm excited to touch on all these things and hopefully bring you in a lot as a guest, a regular guest. And then also have a lot of fun conversations with other friends and other guests who can share their stories in these different seasons. So it's not a podcast about. We have it all figured out. So let us share with you the answer to everything. It's kind of like, Hey, grab a cup of coffee and let's just chat about some stuff that maybe you have gone through, you're going through, or you probably will go through. So I hope it will be very relatable, but also just very imperfect, very come as you are and just hang out with us for a while. Yeah, I did too. And we didn't talk about anything in my notes, which is, which is, great. I think I did the notes to make myself feel better. That last grasp at control, but Bye bye. notes and my child is waking up right now. How about that? You don't know Galloping. At least it's, he's still in his room. It sounds like the galloping. Okay. Oh, man. It's the difference between three kids and one. Oh, you can't actually see them. Oh, okay. Perfect. Alright, thank you. Appreciate it. Bye.

1:10:54

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