Partner - "you're so bossy". Well - "you are so Childish"

In the 1950's Eric Berne began to develop his theories of Transactional Analysis (TA). He said that verbal communication is at the centre of human social relationships and is a transaction. He called it Transactional Analysis. This is our ingrained voice of authority, absorbed conditioning, learning and attitudes from when we were young. We were conditioned by our real parents, teachers, older people, next door neighbours, aunts and uncles and those in authority.

It is a model about people and relationships - based on two notions. The first -  that we have three parts or 'ego-states' to our 'personality; secondly, that these converse with one another in 'transactions'. We each have internal models of Parents, Children and Adults within us. Those roles are played out with one another in our relationships. Many of our problems come from transactions which are unsuccessful.

When you are trying to identify ego states, words are only part of the story. To analyse a transaction you need to see and feel what is being said as well, since only 7% of meaning is in the words spoken. 38% of meaning is from the way that the words are spoken and 55% is from facial expression. Beware of cultural differences in body-language or emphases that appear 'Parental'.

Parent: There are two forms of Parent we can play. The Nurturing Parent is caring and concerned; often appearing as a mother-figure (men also play out that role). They seek to keep the Child contented, offering a safe haven and unconditional love to calm the Child's troubles.

The Controlling (or Critical) Parent, tries to make the Child do as the parent wants them to do. They may also have negative intent,

Adult: The Adult in us is the 'grown up' rational person who talks reasonably and assertively, neither trying to control nor reacting aggressively towards others. The Adult is comfortable with themself.

Child: There are three types of Child we can play. The Natural Child is mostly not self-aware and is characterized by the non-speech noises they make (yahoo, whee). They like playing and are open and vulnerable. They are the curious and exploring; always trying out new stuff (often much to their Controlling Parent's annoyance). Along with the Natural Child they make up the Free Child. The Adaptive Child reacts to the world around them, either changing themselves to fit in or rebelling against the forces they feel.

Conflict: Problems usually occur in crossed transactions, where each is talking to a different level of ego state. Watch out for crossed wires, as this is where conflict arises. When it happens, try to go to the state that the other person is in, to talk at the same level. For rational conversation, move yourself and the other person to the Adult level. 

The parent is either nurturing or controlling. Often speaks to the child in their adaptive or ‘natural’ response. When both people talk as a Parent to the other’s Child, their wires get crossed and conflict results. The ideal line of communication is the mature and rational Adult-Adult relationship. At the core of Berne's theory is the rule that effective transactions (ie successful communications) must be complementary. 

The problem: Being a Controlling Parent invites the other person into a Child state where they may conform with demands. There is also a risk that they will be an Adaptive 'naughty child' and rebel. They may also take opposing Parent or Adult states. Be a Nurturing Parent, talking at the same level as the other person.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Episode keywords: Couples