SPEAKER_00 0:00

All right. Everybody, welcome back to the Is It Legit Podcast. Today we're going to talk about why your good intentions are killing your marriage. Recently, we've had some friends and family talk to us about relationship challenges and we'd like to address them because that's what we like talking about. So, Peter, why did we want to talk about this and what kind of prompted this episode today?

SPEAKER_01 0:28

I would say, you know, there's just I would say there's just people around us who are struggling. I know marriage is really tough, and you know, they only a lot of people show a certain side. Um I would say they show a certain side uh while in front of people, but internally are struggling. And so I just want to um kind of have a good reminder of some good practices so we can have healthier marriages. Plus, you know, even us, like I always gotta sharpen my uh iron and I always gotta get better. And something that I feel like as I was kind of studying through, uh, I just feel like it's really good to talk about and really good to remind ourselves so we can have a good marriage because it's the most important uh relationship in our lives, right? And this is not these kind of uh skills are not just for marriage, they're also for relationships.

SPEAKER_00 1:21

So yeah. Um I mean, again, in our business or with our clients or with our kids or even with us, I think you need to have a backbone, you need to have a structure on how to be with other people. And unfortunately, it's not something that we're taught in school, definitely not, but maybe not even from our parents, um, for everybody. So, so Peter, how would you uh how do you kind of think about this uh topic? Um, how should we set this up? And uh what are some of the key principles that you want to go back to? Yeah, so let's just go through it.

SPEAKER_01 1:59

Couples don't usually fail for lack of love, but for lack of relational skills. Uh, how they listen, how they argue and respond in everyday moments, right? So I'm I'm gleaning from two main books that are one of the most powerful books I've read in my life, uh, which is Seven Habits, Habits of Highly Effective People by Stefan Covey and Dale Carnegie's book, uh Um How to Win and Influence Friends. I think you know of that one. And uh there's a few principles that I want to kind of go through, which is number one, being proactive. Own your part instead of just blaming. Think win-win rather than uh trying to win, right? So both spouses' uh needs matter. Seek first to understand, listen before defending. This is very hard for men. Uh, and then from how to win and influence friends, don't criticize, condemn, or complain. Attack problems, not your spouse. Give honest and sincere appreciation and say what you value often. And then the last thing would be be a good listener, invite your spouse's inner world. Okay. So the first part I want to talk about is uh seeking first to understand uh rather than listening to win. I think this is really hard uh for us. You know, what do many girls say? You know, so many girls. What are what are what is the main thing that they you hear from them? Um maybe not from your wife, but in in what situation? So, like when you're when you're arguing. Yeah, yeah. So when you're arguing, I feel like a lot of girls say this phrase.

SPEAKER_00 3:39

Uh I mean, are you one I can think of is you should know how I feel. Okay. That's one. Okay. So they feel misunderstood. My wife is so perfect, I don't really can you help me out here. What are you going for? Hold on. Uh the camera angle.

SPEAKER_01 4:01

So that it's kind of like that. So basically, they they say, uh, you're not listening to me. Uh you're not hearing me. Oof. Right? That's a lot of girls have that complaint. And the thing is. Sorry, I wasn't listening. Stop me repeating. I'm glad you're here because I'm actually talking to you.

SPEAKER_00 4:19

No, that's a good one. Um, it may not sound verbatim to that, but I feel that.

SPEAKER_01 4:25

I feel like yeah, why do you why do you think they do that? Because it's like we clearly listen to what you said, but for some reason they say that we're not really listening. And why do you think that is?

SPEAKER_00 4:37

For me, for me, it's because I already have a solution for them. Yes, we're very mechanical. We're like, yeah, car has no gas, put in gas, cargo, done. Yeah, and uh, you know, so my wife, uh my wife, I love I love you. The one thing that she's very good at is uh she's very expressive with her face, so I can already tell what something when something is not going right. Yeah, yeah, and it's when she's telling a story and I'm I'm already like wanting to speak on something. We'll just do this, right? And I'm not listening, right? And I'm just trying to prescribe, you know, hey, this is the solution.

SPEAKER_01 5:18

Right. I think this is something that a lot of men really struggle with because we either so there's like two the immediate responses is we get defensive, right? It's like because usually it's you know, it's usually about us, right? And what we're not doing. And so we get defensive immediately, or um, we again try to get into prescription mode, try to get into like solution seeking mode, which our brains are wired to do. We have a lot of things that we have to fix, and so we go immediately into like, okay, here's the solution. Um, but they don't feel heard, right? So that you hear that a lot. They still don't feel heard, even though we did hear them. And this is where I feel like a lot of men, and you know, women as well, uh, need to actually uh really work on this. We have to seek first to understand, and what I that means is that we have to eat. I I think one of the temptations is that we because we we only have a limited amount of time, we both have kids, like we have work, we have a lot of properties. There's so many things going on. We want to rest. You know, a lot of men after they work, they just want to go home and they want to rest. And so when the wife wants to spend time and really have a need and need time, I actually have a need to need time. Uh, it's really hard for us to like just be patient and just to listen because we feel like time is so valuable to us. I just worked all day. I don't want to listen, okay? And we just we let's get through this conversation. But that time is such a valuable investment because then women feel truly understood. And this is what it's saying it's to seek first to understand, don't be offensive, defensive. And I know that's how you feel, you want to be defensive, uh, but you have to just take a pause and make it a goal to truly grasp your partner's feelings, not what they're saying, but what they're feeling, okay, really hard. Uh, rather than trying to explain yours. And so think saying phrases like, help me understand like what that felt like for you. And this may be so different from the what you're used to, but I it's a very good practice to do.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

Yeah. I mean, not to be stereotypical, but I think sometimes stereotypes help us to understand better. You know, I always have this kind of fun banter with my my wife saying, you know, like, I think girls, I think you guys are really good at kind of um having that uh conversational community where a group of women might be drinking wine or just tell telling their story and they're just kind of affirming each other, right? It's never like do this, it's more like, oh my god, that's crazy. And you you must have felt so terrible that she took your promotion or whatever. So I think that's something that I joke around with her, but I do try to do that. And at the end of the day, it is tough because you're drained. You know, it's been a long day, and you're in problem solving mode. You're just like, let's do this, let's kill all these emails, let's hire this contractor. And uh, I think one advice that I have for myself and others is you got to practice these skills when the stakes are lower. So I think when you say try this phrase or do this, I think that's on a on a non-pressured Sunday morning or whatever, pick a time and you know, uh practice that. And also the last thing I'll say is for me and my wife, we've always had uh different energies at different times of the day. So, you know, like my wife is a morning person. I am because I have to be, but I'm not naturally, and I come kind of alive at night. So when I want to talk, sometimes it's not when she wants to talk, and vice versa. So there's a lot of nuances, but I think that is just like strategically figuring out okay, this time the kids are not here or they're watching TV, let's talk about something. So yeah, yeah, it's a very good one. Seek first to understand.

SPEAKER_01 9:16

Yep, yep, it's good. Um, so yeah, I I again I just want to emphasize that like this is an investment, guys. Like, especially for guys, I know it's tough, but you don't want it to escalate. Your goal is to have a good relationship with your wife, right? And so it I know it seems like a waste of time or whatever, but it's truly worth the investment because if you take time to understand that you don't have to have like 10 more arguments about this particular topic or in the future or just fouling the relationship relationship, you don't want to be in a bad marriage, okay? Like it's torture, it's a form of torture, and so it's worth the investment, guys. Um, let's go into segment two. Why don't you kind of uh yeah?

SPEAKER_00 10:00

So segment two, uh, let's think win-win versus score keeping. So this is something that again I'm guilty of sometimes. Um, so what does it look like when you're talking about the important issues in marriage? It could be money, it could be chores. A lot of the little things become very huge because you keep score. I mean, it's a natural tendency, right? If uh I pass by this rock and I'm a caveman and there's a bear every single day. Well, if I look at the rock, I think bear, not rock. So it could be money, chores, kids, sex, even it's a big one. In-laws, I mean, God forbid, right? We have hours of stories on that. Um, what what is the answer? You keep talking until you both feel heard and can live with the outcome instead of one person always kind of swallowing their needs or shoving things down. Because, again, from experience, I know that when you shove things down and they're not addressed, they become festering wounds and they become toxic, they they they they get real nasty and then it blows up at the very end. So, um, yeah, what is what does that look like for you? Do you have any stories you want to share?

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Yeah, I mean, I I I will just say uh there's a lot of I think a lot of men avoid, and there are women who avoid, there are avoiders in the in the marriage, and that is honestly one of the worst things that you could do. Uh, because if you avoid, then it stirs up inside your heart, it doesn't go away. Okay, it's like it's still in there, you're not communicating about it, and you're just getting wildly more frustrating, frustrated. And I understand it's like you want to avoid the conflict because like you're so tired, you don't want to deal with this. I get that, but when you fester, let things fester, it only like just ruins you inside, and it will come out at whether passive aggressively or very aggressively all at once. Um, so I'll I'll just say that. And I uh the only thing I'll say for the I think win-win um is that really you don't want to think about winning, like, oh, I was right, oh, you're wrong, I told you so. You don't want to get to that place, you just want to get to a solution and try not to make the other person feel bad, but more like trying to like get to a solution and and make make yourselves happy, right? Stop trying to be right. I think that's what men struggle with the most. And so um, really, you just at the end of the day, you just want to ask yourself, what would a true win-win look like for both of us?

SPEAKER_00 12:35

Okay, uh, well, well said. So the next thing uh we'll talk about is be proactive versus blaming and reacting. So what does that what does being proactive in marriage mean? It could mean that you take responsibility uh responsibility for your your tone. That's a big one. It's really, really huge. The tone. Again, I'm guilty of it. Sometimes I'm too aggressive. Um, timing, right? I talked about maybe even you know, times during the day, or maybe you know, she's going through her period. I don't know. There's so many things to talk about. Um, follow through, or you just had something blow up at your work. It's probably not the best time to discuss something super serious. Uh, you initiate check-ins, repair, and date nights instead of waiting for for blow ups. Um, what are your thoughts on this topic of being proactive?

SPEAKER_01 13:29

Yeah, I think when you think of proactive, it's just like you just think of a lot, you think of just kind of doing a lot of activity and doing things before you know things occur. And uh, and it is that, but I think in this context, it's like um you're I would say proactive proactivity is really an investment, and um, you have to take responsibility. I think that's the proactivity part of the definition I like is that we have a response ability, meaning ability to respond in a certain way. So I think when we get into conflict, what's really easy for us is to simply blame the other person, make the person feel like, oh, this person's crazy, this person's this and that, this person, this person, this person is the problem. And a lot of people don't take responsibility for their own actions. And what this is saying is we need to start looking, start becoming introspective, put a mirror in between us and the perpetrator, and say, what am I doing wrong? What can I change? So that's the first, really, I feel like very important aspect. And then the second part is um, you know, making that investment of, you know, the regular check-ins, the repairs. My wife and I have knee-to-knee times, right? And we really do talk things out. Again, I have a million things on my mind. And if I don't have something on my mind, I want to play video games, I want to zonk out, I want to just have my alone time. We watched the kid all day, he's in bed. Listen, I want my own time, but really, if you want to maintain, like you, you you gotta put oil in a car, right? Every 3,000 miles, right? You you got to do it, or else the engine's going to break and you're gonna have much bigger problems. Trust me, it's gonna be much more expensive. So that's all I'll say about that.

SPEAKER_00 15:26

Can you share a story? You know, I like putting you on the spot. Um, can you share? Can you share anything that you recently had a proactive argument about because you maybe thought it was gonna go off the rails? Uh is it that is it that game thing, alone time thing, or well, uh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

I mean, I would I oh the I mean, to be honest, this happens all the time. This happens all the time. There's something that bothers Rebecca and she tells me what the problem is, right? For me, I often would get defensive, and I often would just try to uh solve or I would try to like just push it off, right? Because I don't want to, I uh you know, and Rebecca may be going through an emotional moment. I'm not saying like her what she's saying is illegitimate, but there are times where she um she wants to talk about something that I don't want to talk about, right? And so can you give us an example? Okay, like uh oh yeah, okay. So I have to ask, yeah, something that, you know, like for example, in in a way to raise my my son, right? So um, all right, phones. So that was a recent thing that came up. Hey, I just noticed that you're you're on your phone a lot in front of Pada. You're not like doing it right in front of him, but uh you're on your phone while he's like playing around. To you, to me, to you, so I want that to be changed immediately. I'm like, well, I gotta work, right? Or immediately I'm like, well, I'm doing it where he's not really looking, you know, or immediate, so I'm I I I want to get defensive. However, the right response, and what I have been working on is like really listening. Oh, okay, so it bothers you. Uh, it makes you feel like anxious that you know you're you you think our son, which is such a precious thing to us, um person to us, that that he is being exposed to too much of dad being on his phone, thus like I'm not showing him the screen, but I am on my phone, which makes him feel that makes it it makes you feel like uh he's being um like he's being ignored or whatever. So that's a very good example of just uh you know rather than dismissing it, I'm spending time with her, I'm like talking to her, I'm talking her through it, listening to her, and then like okay, I will do, I will do better. Because I actually do agree. There are times where I don't agree, which then you have to go into the win-win. But um, for that one, it's like, okay, I really listen to your concerns and why, because you got to ask why do you feel like that? And then from there, it's like, then okay, make an agreement and then don't break the agreement. So we can move on.

SPEAKER_00 18:02

Yeah, yeah. That's a that's a big one, guys. I mean, having kids and especially having a job that doesn't technically end, you know, at five o'clock. You know, we have clients reaching out to us. We have to share our emotional capacity with the people that are outside of our family as well. You know, there's emails coming in, and you know, I mean, technically there's no emergency in real estate past like six o'clock, for example. But there's just a lot to do. I mean, we're met you're we're we're juggling so many balls, and yet the most important reason why we do this is because of our family, our wives, our children, you know, and it is a struggle for me as well. But um, you know, it's not a problem that needs to be solved right away, but just like you said, acknowledged, so it doesn't kind of fester. So that makes total sense. I will say uh in the notes we have a prompt. And when I read this prompt to try with your spouse, it kind of got to me. So I'll I'll share it. Um so here's a prompt you can try with your with with your spouse. Is there one thing I do in conflict that makes it hard to talk to me? Why did that bother you? That's that's a that's a big one because I think it's like there's a pattern sometimes of me getting defensive or maybe emotional or upset, and then I immediately notice my my psyche, my myself switching into this like aggressive defensive mode, like I'm going into battle. Sounds weird, but that's kind of how it feels like. And then I say something and I'm saying the right words, I mean, because that's what I always say, and yet the tone, you know, the way I say it is probably too much for her, and I can see her shutting down. And I think this is a very good, like, discovery question, you know, for both sides. Um, so I think this is a really good one. Is there one thing I do in conflict that makes it hard to talk to me? And then just listen. So very good. I I love that you share that. So um, moving on to uh the next topic uh criticism versus honest appreciation. This is a good one. Um, the question posed is why is criticism so toxic, even when we feel we're just being honest? So let's try to unpack that for people.

SPEAKER_01 20:29

Yeah, so it it's because it attacks character, like for example, saying that you're lazy um instead of attacking the behavior, which destroys safety and respect and often grows into contentment. Um so criticism is it's so really the this part is about criticism versus honest appreciation. And first of all, there's a ratio of how many uh bids, or you can call it criticism, but it's like how many bids to how much uh you know good things, like positive notes, like uh honest appreciation that you should give, right? Um we we don't have to get into that. But the problem with critic, we often criticize character in each other. We're always we're we're we say things like, oh, you're so lazy, or you never uh you I don't know, you you you you're always angry. You're always angry. And it may be true, don't get me wrong, it may be true, yet the more you speak that onto them, the more they're going to remain in that type of character. And so stop attacking the character and attack the behavior. Um, and so one of the ways that you can do this, right, is again, it's like, and we've talked about this before. This is an actual strategy, and this is hard to do, I'll admit. Um, so it's like, you know, when blank happens, I feel talk about how you feel when this person does this, you may. It makes me feel this instead of you always this. You know what I mean? So that's that's really important. And then pair the complaint with appreciation. I always say that you need if you're gonna give bitter medicine, put a little honey in there, you know? Um, like I'm grateful for how hard you work, and I also need more help with bedtime, right?

SPEAKER_00 22:24

Oh, so all right, I will help you with bedtime. Go play your games. Uh I I mean, I think the key point that I'm hearing from you is use I, you know, it's it's about me. I'm struggling with this. And again, other than like you, you, you, yeah, because it's like I mean, I I don't want to say something, you know, offensive on the podcast, but it's like when somebody says you, I'm like, forget you, you know. I think of another F word, but I mean forget you. Like, I'm not even. I'm not even listening to you. I'm like ready to do something here, and uh, I I think it's a really good reminder to be like, I am struggling, I feel this way. When this happens, I feel this way. I mean, just practice it, and uh I you could do it with anybody, you know, with your clients, with your kids. Um, I think this is a really good one. And I would point people back to the books, one of the books that you you you mentioned in the beginning. It's like we learn from culture, we learn from our parents, we learn from society, but sometimes you have to fall back on principles of how to be a good person. Dale Carnegie's book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, is a great book that I technically haven't read, but I know the bullet points of the of the of the things covered. And it's something that I'll probably you know read with my my kid actually, because I want to teach them that these are the the ways that you can um be out there and be respected. But I think going back to some of these principles and texts are very helpful for people who may not be aware of that. Um, and yeah, just show appreciation, guys. You know, just out of the blue, give them a little gift of a kind word or phrase. Like, I really love it when you cook a wonderful meal for us. Like, I always make my kids thank, you know, mom. You know, sometimes when like my kid, like my wife is a connoisseur of like cooking, and like she watches a lot of like that's her thing. She likes to make different recipes, and like sometimes I'm amazed at the things she makes, and that's one of the things that make me uh really appreciate her. And sometimes the kids will say something about the food, and it's like, okay, first you gotta say thank you to mom to that. She it's not a given, you might think it is, but none of this is really a given, and I'm actually forcing my kids to or encouraging my kids to be thankful and say those things, and I also want to show them what dad does because they're gonna just watch it. I try to hug her for no reason, I try to say nice things, and then I know the kids are watching, it's almost like you're putting on kind of a show, but you are because they are literally sometimes I just see them like watching me hug her, just being appreciative of her, and I hope that you know they can uh copy that for their girlfriends and eventually wives.

SPEAKER_01 25:26

So um, yeah, I just want to say before we move on that really I feel like I mean, men too. Uh, I think wives need a lot of appreciation, constant appreciation. And for people who are not used to that, you gotta start just doing it beyond what you feel like doing uh because it's so important to I always say like wives are like a flower, and you just gotta keep watering it. And if you're not giving it water, which is appreciation, things are gonna whittle and die, and it's gonna look ugly, and uh, and you're responsible for it. Uh, you just see wives who are just alive, man. Yeah, and I I've seen those kind of wives, and I try to do that for my wife, and they're alive because you you're just constantly appreciating what they are doing, and I still don't do it enough, to be honest. Um, but it's actually also good for you when you show appreciation and thanksgiving and gratitude, it just makes you a better person, it brightens you up, it gives you a different perspective. And so I just want to say that's it's a really good practice to have.

SPEAKER_00 26:32

I will say that I noticed two things about you. Uh, one is you always talk so good about Rebecca, your wife. You know, you're always like a I mean, she's not even there, you know, like it's just me. And I I see that you have a habit and um a tendency to do that, which I really think is cool. And then also, even when we talk to our clients, another thing I notice is you make these statements like, hey, you're you know, you're such a go-getter, you know, and or you you're really like you really pushed hard for this, or you you know, you I see you dropping those gifts on people, and I think that's one of the reasons why people appreciate you. And uh, it's so important to do that, like you say, even for guys, like we go through some tough things, you know. Hey, you really made the right decision to do this. It was tough, but you thought through it, and you and so that's something that I try to copy. I think people try uh should try to um just be nice and say good things.

SPEAKER_01 27:31

So yeah, it I I will say it's not about flattery, it really isn't. You have to be genuine about this, about your appreciation for people, just try to find the good parts rather than just focusing on the bad parts, which is actually my natural tendency.

SPEAKER_00 27:46

Okay, because this is an important topic. Um I think you can only do that once you have listened a hundred percent, and then whatever you say has so much more weight and power because you've listened to them talk. Sometimes people cry with us, you know, and I feel like it's such a privileged moment to be like, okay, you you know, this happened to your parents or your siblings, or and it's just a and the thing we try to do that I know you try to do is whenever we leave an appointment, it's not about getting the business or accomplishing your goal necessarily, but it's about making that person feel heard and understood. So when you walk away and they're thinking about you, it's like, man, he really understood what I was going through. And I think that's the biggest thing you could ever do for people.

SPEAKER_01 28:38

So, yeah, which actually goes into our uh our last segment, which is to be a good listener. Uh great, yeah. And and and it's active listening is something that's it's a skill and it takes time to develop, and you just grow in it and you uh you get more used to it. You may not be a natural active listener, but I wasn't necessarily a natural active listener. You just be you develop that over time of constantly doing it, and so uh really you you have to constantly be asking questions, stop making statements, stop telling everyone about what you feel and what you know and all your knowledge and stop doing that. You know, even when we talk to clients, like you said, it's like listen, I am actively listening. So a lot of uh appointments that I have with uh my clients, I don't even need to take notes because I'm so tuned in to the meeting, I'm so tuned in to what they are saying, and I'm asking questions a lot of questions, and I remember everything because I am like I'm literally giving a hundred percent of my effort into listening. And so with your relationships, it's just so important to um really listen. So be curious, ask questions, reflect what they are feeling, like we said before. So uh an easy if you have never done that done active listening, an easy tactic is simply repeat what they're saying. So give me an example like say something. Um problem about your day.

SPEAKER_00 30:07

I uh I'm so tired today. Oh, so you're so tired? Yeah, I just I had I couldn't sleep last night. Oh, why couldn't you sleep? My kid had uh achy feet and he came into our bed at like 3 a.m. in the morning.

SPEAKER_01 30:22

Oh yeah, achy feet. So it it it it's funny is that um that's not really reflecting the feeling, but it's also it it all I'm doing is repeating some of the key words that you said. And then as you do that, the the other person will just continue talking. Try this with your spouse, they're gonna be like, oh, this is weird, right? 100% it's because it is weird because if you haven't done it before, it is weird. Yet it's so good to get yourself in the habit of active listening because people want to feel heard. When they feel heard, oh my gosh, they again they bloom as a flower, they um they become better to you, they feel heard, and I just really try to do that. It takes effort to do, trust me. When you're tired, it takes effort, yet it's such a good thing to put out there in the universe.

SPEAKER_00 31:10

Yeah, mirroring is a good tactic. Um, it's easy, it's it takes pretty much no brain power. You can do it when you're upset, sad, you know, whatever, happy. And sometimes you can literally say one word and just sit on that and let it hang and just like have a moment with people. It's like, wow, that's you know, like I I feel what you're saying. You don't always have to fill every single moment with like words and smart things to say. God knows we have a lot of things to say, but sometimes just being there with people and letting them um I heard this from uh a colleague way, way, way back, and I still remember it. Um, he was a detective that turned into an agent like us. And uh he said, sometimes I go over to people and I just let them verbally vomit, you know, because they have so much like you know, stuck up here that when you just sit there with people and have those moments, I'm I'm really working hard with my kids because with my kids, I'm like the dad, and they're boys, so and I have no idea what daughters are like, but with boys, I'm just like always doing this, you know, like d- you know, and sometimes I just have to sit there and listen, and it's really tough, but it is something that I'm working on.

SPEAKER_01 32:27

I actually just saw a YouTube video about this, about how um your kids will feel a lot less frustrated if you actually just actively listening and just like even though they're wrong, just actively listen and just repeat what they're saying and just make sure they're they're feeling really heard. Yeah. So I just watched a video on this, it was from uh like a psychologist, and they I I think they've done studies, and so I think what you what you're saying is there's there's legitimacy in that.

SPEAKER_00 32:52

Yeah, I mean, just to quickly expand on that, um there's I know that when because Alex is nine in two months, which is crazy. I feel like he was a little bit like he fit right here, you know.

SPEAKER_01 33:06

I always say that about my kids.

SPEAKER_00 33:08

Like literally, he fit right here, and um, it's so crazy and sort of sad that he'll be like 12 and 13. What were we doing at 12? Not like hanging out with my your with you with your dad, you know, like you're out doing whatever. And um I know that when as he gets older, I need to do more of that, just like sitting there and listening. Because, you know, it's like the Socratic method, right? You listen to people and then you just kind of present more and more questions so they can help themselves, and that's something that I I want to get them to bed. I need them to brush their teeth, they gotta pee right before bed again, because you know, and it's like I'm trying to fit all this into this finite space, and I still need to have that time. Um, and uh yeah, it's it's a it's a practice worthy of doing, but I I do struggle, so I just wanted to share that.

SPEAKER_01 34:02

Well, before we go into the last segment, I I will say that I think people dismiss, they belittle this time of giving people that psychological air. Um, and and it's just so important. And one thing I I do often with my wife, uh, and I I can I'm proud to say this, is I'm constantly asking, like, how's your heart? How's your heart? How are you feeling today? I'm constantly asking her that. And then people, the reason why I feel like that's important is because they get psychological air. Because we are a lot of us have no oxygen, and we've been just suffocating because there's no one to really talk to that will really actively listen. And so doing that with your kids is just so important. Doing that with your wife is immensely important, and and and if anyone's listening and they're like, oh, my husband doesn't do this, or my wife doesn't do this. Listen, not many people know, and this is why we're here, this is why we're talking on the podcast, and we want to talk about relationships because sometimes you just don't know, right? And we just learn along the way.

SPEAKER_00 35:07

Um, first of all, uh, I've never heard you say that to me, so I'm very offended. Oh sorry, if your hair was a little longer than I would. Um the one thing I just reminded was reminded of was I heard this thing where um if you have if your kid, you okay, what's happening right now in my household, okay, is I've realized the the negative consequence and the backfiring of putting too much pressure on my older kid. He is the older kid. There's all these memes about like how the older oldest reacts and the middle child reacts and the the baby gets to do whatever they want. Sort of true, sort of not true, but I've realized that the more pressure I put on him, it backfires because he will just lie about things. Oh. And lying is a normal thing, you know, or or the desire to want to lie to kind of quickly change your reality. But one thing I do with my kid is I tell him, if you have a very difficult thing or thing, something that you think I'm going to get upset at, say the word pickle. Like, I'm in a pickle, dad. I want to tell you something. So sometimes he'll come to me and be like, you know, like kind of tug on me, and he'll be like pickle. And I'm like, I'm like, okay, I'm switching to like, all right, let's let's listen. It's like I did this, and you know, and it's these little things that I struggle with that I'm continuing I'm um continuing to try and improve, that I think it's it's showing me that these things are so important, and the divide kind of starts right here. If I don't make sure that I am a good listener, then I know that by the time he's 14, I mean it's it's already it's too late almost. So that's what I'm trying. I'm struggling with that, I'm working with that. And uh for any parents out there, I think that's a a good thing to try and remember.

SPEAKER_01 37:17

And that just reminds me that I feel like with children and your spouses, that when you become defensive or when you become emotionally charged after someone confesses something or says something, then the per the person's going to just shut down. Like your kids are gonna shut down or avoid you, or they're gonna lie to you. And I think the same thing with our spouses, because sometimes, you know, us men react, or sometimes wives, they react so hard. Like, and and guys are just trying to be vulnerable about how they're feeling, they're probably ashamed of it. And so this is another reminder that being defensive like that is just not good. And I'm speaking to myself as well, that we have to like let people speak, regardless of what they're saying, they're feeling certain things, right? So, for example, if a man is like lusting after another woman and it's like like let him speak, and because he's feeling it, let him speak. But what happens a lot of the time is uh, you know, because we start having all these reactions to what they are saying, that they keep it to themselves. And what happens when things are not exposed? It grows mold, man. It like gets worse and worse and it festers, and you know, and then that that whatever problem that is, it just grows and it can actually turn into a full blow full-blown, you know, X, etc. Whatever, like cheating, or um, you know, for kids. Uh let's just say he struggles with, you know, lust, right? It's like you know, he's a he's a kid, he doesn't know better, and he struggles with porn, and he wants to talk to dad, but then you like he knows that you're gonna react in such a way, and and so he doesn't want to talk to you, doesn't want to approach you. And I feel like we are like that a lot with our parents, right? It's like I don't want to talk to them because they're just gonna judge me, and that's something that we gotta work on. So I yeah, I'll just there's a lot to this particular segment that you know we want to talk about.

SPEAKER_00 39:07

Yeah, I love it, man. Uh so we can wrap this up. Um, so what are the let's talk about what are the biggest things people are doing wrong and that quietly destroy marriage? And you know, these are very important points to consider. Um, the first one is criticizing character instead of naming specific behaviors, um, listening to defend, not to understand, trying to win instead of seeking win-win, reacting from anger instead of proactively owning your part and repairing, withholding appreciation, it's a big one, and assuming they already know, or they should already know, avoiding hard conversations or shutting down. So, Peter, if uh a couple were to listen to our podcast, listen to all these things, what's one thing or a few things that you think they should keep in mind?

SPEAKER_01 40:03

One of the things that you said that I really want to emphasize, especially again, I feel like this is something women do, is they should already know. And I think that's a huge problem because you can't, you need to communicate and stop expecting them to just know because sometimes they just don't know, or sometimes they need to be reminded of what you are feeling and what you your preferences are. So I just want to say that um this whole like, oh, they should already know. Uh please correct that because that's I think that's very unhealthy. And just as just the one thing, if you were to take one thing out of this podcast, uh when you have your next conflict, let one person share, and then the other person must summarize and validate what they heard before giving their side, then switch roles. Okay. So my pastor actually taught me to do this. So my pastor taught me, and he does this often with his wife. He has a beautiful marriage, he's been married for 25 plus years with a great marriage, four kids. Uh, and he says that he actually did this with me when Rebecca and I were having a conflict. Him and his wife met me, and they were like, Okay, what did you hear Rebecca saying? And I had to reflect what she said and uh how she felt and just validate how she felt. So that would be the one thing. Uh, and it's hard to do, and you may not be used to it, but you got to work on your marriage, guys. Like you get you gotta do this, and and you can get a therapist too. And I will say that if you're like if you're not willing to even get a therapist, or you're just not willing to work on your marriage at all, you're um you're miserable to be married to. You are miserable to be married to. You are a torture device for the other person, and you're the problem.

SPEAKER_00 41:58

Sorry, I'm so bold, but uh I have to be honest. I mean, I think the one thing I realized time and time and time again is we're so good at not seeing ourselves sometimes, and we're so easily able to pick apart the third party or the next, you know, your colleague or friend or whatever, or the stranger, but we have so many blind spots because that's kind of how we're built. Like we're built to and the analogy is like there's a nose right in front of you, but you don't see the nose because your brain literally, like if you try to look for your nose, you will see your nose, but your brain half the time or 90 plus percent of the time just ignores it. It's you're you're you're built to basically kind of survive on the on the lower spectrum of needs, and this stuff does take practice, and um, yeah, I I think for people like me who struggle with this, these are the techniques that you must practice on a low uh um stress environment when it's the right time and timing for both of you. And the one thing I saw on YouTube recently, or I've been watching on YouTube, uh, it's almost a guilty pleasure, but there is a like a world-renowned you know, couples therapist that holds live couples therapy, and they put it on camera. Oh my god, it is so spicy, and every time the the spouse speaks, you're like, I get you, man. I and then the wife speaks, and you're like, Oh, I get you too. And it's like it's it's like putting yourself out there, and it's about like in-laws, it's about you know, sex before or after marriage, or kids, kids. Like, it's so illustrating how you are just in your bubble, and you need sometimes an expert to, you know, that's what I'm doing with my kids. You know, I I did it this morning, I had to like make them shake. And talk about each other's side, and it's it's time consuming but super necessary. So I'll just end there.

SPEAKER_01 44:05

We all need brokers. You know. And here is an endorsement of our business.

SPEAKER_00 44:11

I'm kidding. But seriously, I mean, have you seen a seller and buyer try to negotiate?

SPEAKER_01 44:16

It's or or or you know, um, there's a situation recently I heard like this there's this husband who who's getting a divorce, unfortunately, but uh doesn't want to use a lawyer. Oh, that's not happening, you know. So it just, you know, this is what it is. And and you know, so we and you don't okay, when I say therapist, you don't because some people are like, oh, financially that's a struggle, and it really is. I mean, that it's like 150, 200 bucks, but you do have friends, right? You do have family members, you do have people that you know who would love you enough to be willing to sit down with both of you, both of you guys and just facilitate the conversation, and so it doesn't have to be a paid thing, it could be free. Call Peter, he will help you. My number is 555.

SPEAKER_00 45:02

Don't call me. Oh, you're a pastor, that's a really great one, too, for people who go to church. I mean, what a great resource.

SPEAKER_01 45:08

Pastors, I mean, this is a part of their what they do, you know, it's to really shepherd their their people, and so and if you don't go to church, you go find a pastor, and I'm sure, or you'll find a like a leader in the church, and I'm sure they'll they'll come sit down with you. So is that it? That's it. Okay, guys, thank you for watching our podcast. We felt like it was appropriate to talk about relationships today. I hope this helps someone. And if you like our content, please hit the subscribe button, please like. It does help. And uh, we just appreciate you guys watching, and we'll see you on the next video.