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Is It Legit Podcast
Fighting Styles: Avoidant, Validating, Volatile | Which One Are YOU
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Hey guys, today we're going to be talking about why fighting right matters. We're going to talk about different conflict styles. We all have our conflict styles. So we're going to help you guys identify what the conflict style is and how to work that conflict style with your partner who also has a different conflict style. And then we're going to be talking about different techniques on how to fight right, which is really important in having a very healthy relationship. John Gottman can uh predict divorce with a 90% accuracy. They can predict that within the first three minutes of seeing how you guys interact. And so there's some real data-backed evidence here, and we'd love to share it with you.
SPEAKER_00Okay, guys, welcome back to another episode. This is going to be a continuation of the uh, I guess we can almost call it the John Gottman and the Julie Gottman series about uh how to fight right. And uh today it will be about fighting styles, avoidant, validating, volatile. Which one are you? And um, I'm currently reading the book. I know you have been immersed in this world for a long time. Um, and would love to hear what you think about how couples can fight right, and um maybe just rehash some of the things that John and Julie Gottman do and then go into it from there.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah, John Gottman, if you guys don't know, they are John and Julie Gottman, they're married. They have started the Gottman Institute. They uh have they're the most data-backed research um institute, like company that um has to do with marriage and relationships, and they're just amazing. They're well, they're world renowned. And um, we'd like to follow them for our advice because we obviously want to do what actually works rather than just anecdotal or you know, things that just come from wives' tales and whatnot, right? So let's get into it. Let's talk about why fighting styles matter. Um, so uh basically, um, you know, it's not about conflicts, it's not about um having conflicts because conflicts are normal, conflicts are healthy. In fact, if you didn't have conflicts, that would be weird. Uh, it's about how to fight, uh knowing your fighting style and how to fight well with your fighting style. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. So let's talk about the three um types of conflict styles. Uh, and by the way, there's no style that's superior. Um, the goal is the awareness and effective uh and and the effectiveness uh and navigating through that. So uh let's talk about it. So let's talk about why conflict styles emerge. So one could be upbringing, right? How parents or caregivers handle conflict, uh handle conflict creates blueprints for adult relationships, uh attachment styles, insecure, secure attachments for people who know uh what that is. Culture values, some culture emphasizes harmony, others, you know, they debate or they're very direct. Uh, personal experiences, personal uh personality differences. Uh so let's kind of go through it. First of all, John, do you know what your conflict style is?
SPEAKER_00Great question. Um, I think I am probably a combination of two. Um, of course, I'm self-diagnosing, but I think I'm more the validating and occasionally avoidant. Um I I mean the thing is as I'm reading this book, as I'm learning about all of these things, the data back reviewing the data back research, and just the context is that you know, they're actually here, like they're based out of UW in Washington, which is great. Uh, but not only that, they've helped and interviewed intimately 3,000 different couples over a long period of time. Yeah, and what's really amazing is I keep thinking about okay, what makes me an avoidant or a validator? And it's really about how did I observe fights when I was growing up and what's been my history. But I feel like I am the strongest description for myself is that I try to introduce the logic into the into the argument, and sometimes a fallacy for me, as we'll probably cover, is that the timing of that logic and when it enters a relationship, and maybe trying to prescribe before diagnosing properly could be a thing. Uh, but what about you? I'm curious to know uh what you think your style is.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, let's well for so people know the different kinds of styles, so they can, you know, kind of see what we're choosing from. Is number one, it's the avoidant style. That's a very common one for people, especially in the Asian culture. And then you have the validating style, and then you have the volatile style. Um, actually, let's just go through some of the descriptions here. So, like for the avoidant, tends to minimize conflict or steer clear of disagreements. You emphasize uh harmony and let small issues slides rather than confront them directly. The validating style is the focus on acknowledging and understanding the partner's feelings and thoughts. Seems like a pretty good thing. Uh conflicts are approached as shared problems to solve together using empathy and collaboration. The volatile style is conflict is lively, expressive, and direct. Uh both partners speak their minds fiercely with arguments featuring energy and emotion. And disagreements, of course, can get loud, you get emotionally charged, uh, and are often um mixed with the uh affection and humor. Out of these, I feel like I'm also validating. Um I almost feel like I'm I'm almost both, but it's like you know, I can see I think both what? Validating and I'm I well, so I I I know I'm validating. I would say I can see myself leaning towards a volatile style and an avoidant style, and I'll kind of explain why, is because my dad is very volatile style, my mom is an avoidant, clearly. And so it's I can see almost like I don't know if it's genetics or just the way I was raised, that I can uh be gravitated towards uh both. And I know that you know I can see myself getting kind of critical and you know, getting loud, but I think because to be honest, I think that's my natural, but because I saw my dad kind of engage in that kind of way and seeing how I mean, honestly, it was very um unproductive and it was very destructive. And because I saw that, he's not like that anymore, but it's like it used to be like that, and I realized, oh, that is not the style that I personally would want. Now I'm sure there's ways around that, and we're gonna talk about it, but I would say that that would be a natural that I'm working on. Um, but I can also see a little bit of avoidant as well.
SPEAKER_00So okay. So um with that said, maybe because I also do um self-identify partially as avoidant. So maybe we'll talk about why people become avoidant, right? So, like you said, family uh background or even cultural background um often emerges from families where open conflict was discouraged or seen as dangerous, and also culturally, too. Like in the book, they talk about a couple who the guy is German. And for those of us who are unfamiliar unfamiliar, like German culture or Japanese culture can be seen as more, you know, um, kind of more subdued and kind of more logical, and like, you know, like let's keep it here. Um it could also be from early relationships. If previous attempts, um, so this is kind of like the nature versus nurture thing. If previous attempts at confrontation led to escalation or punishment, people may learn that it's safer to just let it go and to not deal with it, right? I we don't have enough money in the bank account. And uh if we're both avoidant, we might say, well, you know, we might get a raise next year, so it's okay. Oh, okay. I mean, that's like the classic avoidance style, right? Uh, personality factors could be it too. Uh, some people just value peace and stability um above resolution, which is very interesting. How it says value peace and stability over resolution, um, preferring calm even if issues remain unresolved. I definitely see myself identifying with that. I don't know about you.
SPEAKER_01Oh, you see yourself identify like really it's a little surprising. I think it's more like what is the natural tendency rather than what you actually do because you've kind of like kind of like the way I'm with my dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00You just learned to be more, no, we gotta because yeah, I mean we're both at the end of the day, we're like, I think we've both trained ourselves to become, you know, in in the middle and kind of get things done. But I do value personally in my instinctual first, you know, the first thought that goes through my head. I'm like, I just want peace and stability and harmony. You know, I've been kind of the uh mediator, right, in my family and amongst friends and things like that. So I just identify with that a bit more.
SPEAKER_01And there are pros and cons to that, right? It's like especially in real estate, like you are so much better at you know being more calm and collected, especially during disagreements between the buyer and seller or listening agent and the buyer's agent. Uh, and so I really appreciate that that about you. So there could be a really good aspect to that. You also you know maintain a lot of relationships, longer-term relationships, because you know just how to mediate and keep the peace. I think one of the biggest issues with the avoidance style, uh, that does happen very often, honestly, with the avoidance styles is resentment and like anger issues.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_01Like they keep it in, they keep it in, keep it in, and then the day they break. Like I'm afraid right now, being next to you right now, because I'm afraid there's just gonna be, I kind of want to dump that water because I feel like you're gonna throw it at me.
SPEAKER_00I feel resentful. Um, there we go. My heart rate is you know 200. Yeah. Um, I I I see that too. And that's where I've learned that okay, this is not a healthy way to move forward. You have to learn how to, you know, voice your opinions and get things done. Right. Um, and so what uh maybe so then validating style. I don't want to say, again, I don't want to say one style is the best because everything has a pro and a con. But maybe why do become why do people become validators? And as people listen to this, hopefully they can start thinking about okay, what's my natural instinct? Um, among the three. Um, number one, healthy role models modeled by caregivers who manage disagreements calmly and respectfully. Um, secure attachment, meaning people who feel safe and valued are more often able to regulate emotions and validate others. Uh, and then also skills and practice, often reflecting learned communication skills such as active listening and seeking compromise. But what do you think pros and cons would be of this style?
SPEAKER_01I mean, it almost seems like just a pro. Right? It's like, what's wrong with that, right? I mean, gosh, you know, you feel safe and valued, regulate emotions. I mean, that's like all the good things that one would want. Um, what they wrote was they build trust and connection through mutual respect. That's the pro. And then the con would be to they may avoid passion, passionate expression, sometimes missing out on deeper emotions or truth. I actually just met with one of our mutual friends recently, and he was talking about how he is kind of a validator. But what he realized is, and he was trying to keep the peace and whatnot, what he also realizes is that he wasn't able to truly be himself. And so let's just, you know, it's kind of like almost like the avoider where it's like you can't truly just like oh I'm mad, or like I'm sad, or like you can't just really just uh you know, let that inter inner side of you express itself so you can kind of like loose that that side of you. So maybe that could be a a con, and that's kind of what John Gottman said.
SPEAKER_00Like maybe you're also playing that role, you know. I mean, there is a fuzzy line between like am I this kind of a person now versus 10 years ago or 20 years ago? And then if you have to play that role of always being that person, I think the other pitfall is if you and we'll talk about mismatches in style, right? The pitfall is if you uh if a validator goes up against a type that is maybe too it maybe doesn't give them that space for the logic, maybe it's the volatile, maybe it's there's just too much, and there's no reasoning until you do the other things that's required. So I think it's a really good introduction um for why people do those or are uh how people identify with a certain fighting style. And maybe we can head right into how do you navigate when people don't match up?
SPEAKER_01Well, sorry, we have to talk about the volatile style real quick.
SPEAKER_00Oh, the volatile style, right?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, okay. So the volatile style again is being, you know, conflict is lively, expressive, and direct. You know, they're right fiercely arguing, you know, this and that. You guys know this passionate, you know. Yep. So why do people become volatile? You want to kind of go through that?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so expressive backgrounds, uh families where debate and emotion were normal and even encouraged. Um, I immediately again jumped to different cultures. Like uh, I mean, I would say a lot of Korean people, like there's a lot of passion and emotion, or like uh, you know, stereotypes are sometimes true because they are true, like Latino families, right? There's a lot of passionate arguing going on. Um, it could also just be a personality, maybe outgoing, intense personalities may process feelings by vocalizing them. I uh immediately think of my my second child, he's a very passionate and vocal person compared to my first. And the way I deal with them is I think fundamentally different. And I've expressed this to you know, you or my wife. Um, or it could be uh relationship dynamic. So both partners are comfortable with stormy or heated exchanges and know how to recover and reconnect after a fight, which I think is a huge point. Uh, what do you think is uh uh uh some pros and cons with this volatile style?
SPEAKER_01A pro would be issues are surfaced quickly and dealt uh with honestly. You know, they just they fight really hardcore and then they just figure it out, right? Um, can risk escalation. Obviously, the pro the con would be the you know, escalation, and then if humor or positive connection is lost, may slip into contempt or hurtful patterns, right? When you get emotionally that excited, then that could lead to a lot of hurtful things to say, and of course, then there's contempt and criticism and all those, you know, part of the four horsemen that could be very destructive in a marriage, right? Uh, which has a 90% success indicator of a divorce. And so yeah. So now we can move into how do we navigate with uh mixed style marriages, right? So how does an avoider work with a volatile personality?
SPEAKER_00Do you okay? So if a partner has a different conflict style, what do you feel uh like are the potential challenges there? Um have you seen some of this play out in your own life or other people around you? Um I would just love to hear more about that from you.
SPEAKER_01Um sorry, the question was how do you like what are some of the challenges with a mismatch style?
SPEAKER_00And have you seen anything play out like that?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so I think one of the styles that I see often, and I I don't know if it's something about they like attract each other, but I see a lot of vol volatile and avoidant. For some reason that kind of like matches.
SPEAKER_00Can I ask you so you're you're you know, you're married. What's what's Rebecca's style, you think?
SPEAKER_01I think she would be more she's pretty direct. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So she's kind of like my my dad in that sense. Uh she can be pretty direct about things that bother her. Um just being completely honest. And um, but of course, like she's of course like validating as well. Like she's the validating style. Um, she's she she I think that would be her natural. And then she's uh she's kind of trained herself to be a lot more validating and you know, empathetic and listening and trying to be calm and use all the techniques, and so um, but I would say her natural is that. And for me, I'd say I could also be that style, um, or yeah, I I'd say like I have tendencies to be that style, or potentially even an avoidance style in some ways.
SPEAKER_00So so since this topic is about fighting styles, do you think that Rebecca actually has a like a volatile fighting style? Because I mean, like when you guys have arguments, how does it play out? I'm I'm just I'm just curious. Oh, I yeah. Hey, let's get let's get real here, you know.
SPEAKER_01Um hey, we're we're we're we're here, right? Yeah, the cameras are off. It's okay. Yeah, the cameras are off, no one's watching. It's you know, uh just to be completely honest, I mean, yeah, it can get emotionally charged. Uh you know, at times it does. I mean, I think for the most part, we're we're pretty calm and collected, but there are times where it gets emotionally charged, it gets um, you know, elevated. I I haven't gotten elevated yet. Like I haven't uh um when I say elevated, I'm talking like I'm like shouting. Uh I've never done that. Um Rebecca has gotten emotionally charged, which again is you know it's pretty normal. Um, so again, like if we're talking about the volatile style, it's like bringing lively and expressive, um, talking fiercely with a lot of energy. It's like we all have done that, right? Um, but there are some people who just are are super calm. I I think that she probably can tend, she she has that side of her. Uh and I have my side as well, right? I have that style as well, um, because I kind of grew up with that. Um but I would say, yeah, for the most part, we're we're pretty we're we try to stay pretty calm in our um arguing. You know what's funny is like a lot of our arguments have to do with video games. Uh because I tend to heard that multiple times from me.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, even on this podcast, actually.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, what's and and you know, I'm I'm not gonna sound really cool right now. I like video games. Okay, like I like playing. So me and my friend, my friend comes over, we play uh a game called Dota. Uh it's pretty competitive, and you know, the way Dota works is like you play a game, it's like an hour, and you can't stop. You really can't. Like you're playing with other people. If you leave, it's like you get penalties. And so uh we tend to play like for multiple hours, not like so long, but like let's just say like three hours. Um three hours, sometimes four.
SPEAKER_00Whew, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's a big chunk of time. But you know, I schedule in one, but anyway, we had an uh argument. We usually have arguments around that, around that time. And it's like, oh, I didn't uh you know, at least in betweens go say hi, or I didn't, you know, okay, or he stayed a little bit longer than usual or or whatnot. It usually has to do with that. Um, let's not, you know, schedule this on the weekends because that's our time. So then so then if I'm remembering right.
SPEAKER_00So then the way she fights or argues with you about that, is that would you say validating or volatile?
SPEAKER_01Well, that one was volatile. Okay. Um, I think for the most part she's validating because I think that's I think we all have tendencies because of the way we we grew up to be a certain style. But I think for her, she she have she hasn't learned and trained. And so that's why Rebecca and I don't argue that often, or we don't have like fierce arguments. It's usually just, you know, we're we're talking through some things. Um, I think one of the things that she wants, and this is something actually recent where I'm a type one Enneogram, and one of the things I don't like is actually um. Getting criticized. And one thing I realize is like anytime I get criticized, because I'm already so hard on myself, I actually take it, I actually get defensive. So that's one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Yeah. So I think because I get defensive, that's why we we what she wants to hear after we have conflict is like, hey, I hear you. I hear what you're saying. I hear your feeling. I I validate your your your feeling and your frustration. I think that's what she wants. And that's something that I've been working on in our conflict. But I think what um what what I struggle with is like when she says something, you know, she she says uh you know something that she is unhappy with that she wants me to change. I sometimes take that as a personal attack. And I'm already so hard on myself that I get defensive, and then that's where it kind of starts to escalate. So I'm starting to, as I'm looking at our our arguments, right? And I'm really being introspective about this, I am realizing that there are parts in myself that I have to fix and change. Um, because let's figure out why that these arguments escalate. See what I'm saying? So that's kind of been something that I've been dealing with. So that thing escalated, yeah. Like it escalated because I got defensive, and then she, you know, of course, you know, came back and she got defensive, and boom, you know, kind of goes from there.
SPEAKER_00What's the uh I've heard that Enneagram thing. I think I've I don't know if I did one, but what can you explain that a little bit?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's and I I'm not like an expert with the Enneagrams. There's like nine personality profiles, and you take a test, and it's like a really old test, and people don't really know how it works, how the questions are asked. They they actually don't really know how it works, but somehow it has been one of the most act like accurate tests on like your uh personality profile. And so, like when I when I did mine and read mine, I was like, oh wow, like a lot of these things are are really me. And I read the other profiles because I'm like, oh, you know, this is probably you know, like kind of a fortune cookie. Oh, like you're a dragon, so a dragon has a lot of energy. It's like you know, it's like well, yeah, I have a lot of energy. Um I actually read through a lot of the other ones and I realized, oh, like wow, wow, my mine's actually pretty accurate.
SPEAKER_00Can you tell me uh what like what can you just share some of the things? I I would have to honestly, I would have to look it up. Okay, it's okay. I just I was just curious about that. Okay, yeah. Uh I mean for me personally, um I struggle with um disconnecting. Like I like going back to the whole preferring peace over resolution, like sometimes I just don't want to deal with it. Like the whole I I'm just gonna let it go. Can be a healthy way if I understand what I'm doing, but as a knee-jerk reaction to something, that's not healthy because you're just not processing it and you're just not dealing with it at that moment in time. So, like when I whenever my so I would say uh I would say my wife isn't an avoidant. Oh, she's an avoidant, dude. I think she's an avoidant naturally. I mean, of course, she can't do what she does, and you know, without being a validator, also, but she's like the natural um avoidant, and then the I can but she's also very transparent, like she has no, she's like the heart on the sleeve type. So as she's trying to avoid and just kind of go away from it, the frustration and the resentment is building up, and I see it on her face. And that's when I'm like, okay, let's talk about it, let's deal with it. Because now then my other side comes up because I don't want to right. You know it's healthier to Yeah, I don't want to stew on it, right? Um, and then I struggle with like, okay, I don't have time. Like, that's the script that goes on my in my in my in my head. It's like I don't have time for this, I got stuff to do. Like, this is literally the voice in my head. I don't want to deal with this, I don't have time for this, I just want to move on to something else. And that's where reading this book has really made me think about well, and we'll talk about this. How do you recognize it, recognize your style, then move forward, especially with a different type of you know, um style, right? So, do you wanna maybe if it's okay, do you wanna um talk about how to bridge the styles? How do you work with each other?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, let's talk about it. So, first of all, as a step one, figure out what your style is. Are you an avoidance style? Are you a volatile style, right? Are you a validating style? Go look it up on John Gottman's website. I don't know if they have a test or whatnot, but just you could figure it out once you read it. So figure out what your natural style is. Uh, because I think that's step number one. Then the second step is okay, so let's figure out like if you are this and your partner is this, how do you work with each other? So let's go through that super quick, okay? If you're an avoidance style and your partner is a volatile style, then you have to set ground rules for breaks if things escalate. Because once you get emotionally escalated, we all know after like it was like 90 or 95 beats per minute, you're not gonna be, you're not gonna want to be that person. That person's gonna say things that you're gonna regret and do things that you're gonna regret. So allow space when needed, but commit to coming back to the issue. For a volatile, for a if you're a volatile style and then you have an uh avoid your partner is an avoidance style, practice soft startups. I feel when you do this, it makes me feel this. So, like start with I feel statements because you can't you cannot debate with your feeling. You could debate with the truth, but not necessarily, hey, this is my truth. I feel this, that makes sense. So, and avoid overwhelming your partner with high energy or criticism. Uh, that's not going to work well with avoidance styles. Validating, if you're a validating style and you have an avoidant or a volatile style, model healthy listening, reflective feedback. So you're telling me that you were angry because I didn't do the dishes at night. Is that right? And you were frustrated. So that's reflective feedback, and then try to bridge the energy gaps between the other styles. And then any style to a different style. This is kind of like the catch-all, is agree on a fair on fair fight rules. No yelling, no blaming or withdrawing without notice. Use timeouts and safe reconnection. What do you think about those?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so I'd like to go into some specific things. Um, just from recent memory of you know, reading the book, or I'm I'm not done yet, actually. But you know, what's funny is sometimes I read a book and I have to stop because I have to think about all the things that this applies to, and it kind of rushes in my head. I'm like, well, this just happened this morning. How would I have used this? You know, so anyway, what I am learning is the way to really another catch-all would definitely be the gentle startup idea, right? So um me and my wife recently had an argument where you know it was the you, and then the you feels like a dagger. Oh, yeah. You always you do, you never, and then so it's like, how do you reframe that? And you can actually uh do what's called repairing the the moment, not the problem, right? So, like as soon as I know the fight is has gone off the rails, and one of the biggest things is to know when you are uh becoming flooded with emotion. The argument is not the problem is not the problem you started with or the argument or the challenge, it's the moment. So you have to solve the moment. So now you have to repair it by either taking a break. So the Gottman say the when you're when your body gets flooded with stress hormones like cortisol, adrenaline, norepinephrine, all this stuff, it takes about 20 minutes minimum for your body to metabolize those things and kind of get it out of your body. So you want to pick a break time of anywhere from 20 minutes to not more than 24 hours, right? So having a pre-agreed upon thing saying, hey, I'm feeling flooded, I'm feeling upset, I'm feeling attacked, I'm feeling, you know, whatever. Uh, can we just take a quick break? And don't walk out because that's rude and that's disrespectful. Agree to take a break, let those hormones go away. And contrary to popular belief, I just learned that they the Gobmans believe that you can go to sleep without having this problem be solved because it's better to maintain that relationship and not to throw daggers at each other. Oh, interesting. Yeah, I always wondered about that. Yeah, because it okay, so now I know you're a Christian.
SPEAKER_01I was just thinking that.
SPEAKER_00I just passed through my head. I I know what you're going to say at any given moment. I'm just kidding. I was gonna say poo. But uh so because they say the Bible says, you know, don't um go what's the what do you know the exact don't yeah, don't let the sun go down on your anger or while you're angry or something like that. Yeah, exactly. So and I'm like that makes sense because in the heat of the moment, you just make so many mistakes. You do, you can cause, you can say some seriously messed up things. And um we were just talking about some of these things over lunch, but I think when so that was a good thing, it's like, okay, strive for a soft startup, even if it starts harsh, you can pause and say, Hey, you know what? That was wrong of me. Let me rephrase this way, or turn it back around. You can say, Hey, I feel a little bit attacked right now, I'm feeling a little bit upset. Can you rephrase it in a different way? And actually, this book has a whole list of phrases that you could just take from the book and use it during your fights. And in fact, they do that in therapy, which reminded me of your story of having your trusted pastor and and his wife be with you guys during an argument. I had no idea. I just read this today, where they would sit with you in the moment and be like, Hold on, how did that feel? I feel attacked. Okay, tell it to him, tell it to her. And like, that's such a crazy, it's just a new concept for me that you can actually redirect and re uh redo your fights in the moment to lead it into a better path. So I just wanted to mention that um because I thought it was important.
SPEAKER_01So delivery is so key in fighting. It really is. Like you could say the same thing in multiple different ways, and very few ways are actually going to get you to the results. And so don't fight to just get, you know, release your anger to this person, unleas your anger to this person. Fight, you know, fight to get to the conclusion to get to mend the relationship, right? But when we get so emotional, we feel this like you know, hatred and all this stuff. Like, I get it, I get it. But then that's not a great way to engage in a fight because that's just gonna lead to more resentment and more anger and this and that, right? And that's not your end goal. You don't want to break up, right? That wouldn't be where you know most of us would would want to be. So yeah, I think uh, okay, so now that we know, you know, the different conflict styles and then how to you know work with uh different conflict styles, uh, let's actually go through some of the last points, which is just some of the the different ways you can kind of fight right here. And so like the soft stuff uh starting soft and then staying curious. I think we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. We need to be more curious, we need to ask a lot more questions to let the other person have psychological air for them to feel relieved when they talk, calm down, emotionally, just like kind of just be more sedated, right? And that's what you want. You don't want to talk in elevated emotion. So stay curious, seek to understand first, and then um compromise when possible, focus on the win-win, not the win-lose. That never works, right? You don't want to just be the winner, right? Keep positive, aim for at least a five to one ratio of positives to negatives. We all know about that, right? It's like give the person five compliments, go give them a glass of water, give them the chewing gum, compliment them on their dress, whatever. It's like give them five of those and then one request of change. We call it a bid, right? Hey, can you please just um can can you just uh like like wash the dishes at night, you know, so I don't feel like bad in the morning, something like that, right? Um and then repair and reconnect. So quick repair uh attempts, apologizing, a little humor works, right? Not like sarcasm, not trying to be sarcastic, which can also be very hurtful because a lot of people, a lot of us men become sarcastic to um deaden a like a dig, to be honest, like like kind of uh reduce the blow of a of a dig. Um, but some humor and and some touch, right? Um so quick repair attempts can stop spirals. Um and then you put uh repair uh the moment and not the problem. So yeah, I mean again, so just to kind of close this out is that it's not a problem with fighting, right? It's like it's not about never fighting. I've had some couples, I've heard some couples say, Oh, we never fight. It's like that's not healthy, you know? Yes, exactly. Because that's where it's like the one day, boom, and then you know, you guys break up. And so it's not about not fighting, it's about learning how to fight and understanding your style and learning your partner's style and how to fight well in that moment, and then using some of these techniques, uh, like you know, a slow startup, right? Like a soft startup, in order to fight really well so you can maintain a long-term healthy relationship. You don't want to be an avoidant and never fight, right? But you don't want to be so volatile, right? Where you're just you know attacking all the time. And so, yeah, I mean, these techniques are great. Any last thoughts here?
SPEAKER_00Uh yeah, I think one that comes up to mind is that you know, you know, you and I are such, you know, like we get paid to solve problems, and we're always trying to solve a problem. And yet, you know, the Gottmans talk about the idea of a solvable problem and a perpetual problem, right? Like think about the um who does the dishes could be just uh a scheduling or a uh conversational thing where you work it out, or it could be uh, or like you know, which is like a solvable problem, but then a perpetual problem might just be that look, I'm an introvert and you're an extrovert. That's just how I am, that's just how you are. So understanding that the way I think about wanting to go out and go to parties might be different than you forever, and having grace and love and understanding on that, and compromise, and compromise, active compromise. I think that is a very, very, and that's essentially the spice of life, also. Like you want to have some of those opposites attract, kind of a thing, and uh it's personally helped me uh learn about okay, it's okay to have arguments and to fight because then you can use that to get deeper into connection with somebody, right? And uh not be ashamed of it, but learn how it's done, and there is proof out there on how to do it right, and there are resources, clearly.
SPEAKER_01So, yeah. And uh for everyone watching, please go to you know, read up on Gottman's material, it's really good. And if you're in conflict or if you're struggling with relationships in general, or if you're uh struggling with your partner, I mean, there's ways around it. You just gotta work on it, you gotta have plans, you gotta have protocols. And, you know, I know this stuff is a pain in the butt. Life is already hard. There's way too much on our plate, but it's worth it because relationships at the end of the day are what actually matters in life. And if you have a good relationship with your partner, the people closest to you, man, it just makes your life so much better. It helps you focus be able to have the energy and focus to be able to focus on other things. Your children, right? Your business, your hobbies, things that you know, every like you it just makes life so much better. So we just encourage you guys to please, please uh take some energy that you have in your day to focus on some of these things, and I promise it'll be so good uh for the betterment of your life and your family's life and the people around you. Well said. All right. Thanks for watching, guys. Please like and subscribe to our channel. Thank you for watching, and we'll see you guys on the next video.