SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys, welcome to Is It Legit Podcast. Today we're going to be talking all about friendships. How do you identify the good friends? How do you identify bad friendships? Should you cut off some of those bad friendships? We're going to talk about some pretty surprising statistics today about friendships and loneliness. And so stay tuned and thanks for watching.

SPEAKER_01 0:22

Hey guys, welcome back to the podcast. Today we're going to be talking about something that's affecting all of our lives, especially younger people. We're going to talk about the truth about friendships in 2025. We are talking about why friendships matter now more than ever. And then some maybe some shocking statistics about making, keeping, and maybe letting go of friends. As we begin, please like and subscribe. We try to put out content that's helpful to everybody that we know. And if you have friends that could benefit from this podcast, please send it over to them and share. Nearly half of adults report feeling lonely or lacking meaningful friendships. It's a sad one. U.S. Surgeon General 2023. The average American hasn't made a new friend in the last five years, from another popular survey called One Pull. And lastly, this is a good one or a bad one. Feeling chronically lonely can increase your risk of early death by as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. As a former smoker, that's a really bad statistic. So, Peter, uh, as we think about this topic, um, what do you think um it takes to be a good friend? How do you be a good friend?

SPEAKER_00 1:47

Yeah, you know, I I've uh I've had quite a lot of friendships in my lifetime, uh, and I I know it took a lot of work to like maintain good friendships. I think you and I have pretty good friends, right, for a long time. And you know what? I was thinking about this. Oh, are you gonna cry? I was gonna okay. Can we just uh okay? Okay, um, but you know what I what I note what I realize is like you know, we we've literally been like in contact or seeing each other every single day, right, for the last several years. It's been hard. And oh, it's been hard.

SPEAKER_01 2:22

It's been like smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Okay. Wow. Um, it's been good, it's been good.

SPEAKER_00 2:29

But you know, I think uh I think you're a good friend. I I think you there's some things that we do that we can kind of break down and try to figure out, okay, like what are some of the healthy things that we do to maintain good relationships? And that's something that I've actually been very, very excited about. I I, you know, I got into real estate business and whatnot. My real passion is to understand relationships and human behavior. And I've learned a lot over the years by reading a ton of books on you know relationships and human behavior in order for me to have healthy relationships, not only with my wife. Um, I want I'm improving my relationship with my parents, and then also, of course, have like really good friendships as well. I I was just thinking about because I have a friend coming tomorrow uh who I've been friends with since we were in elementary. Yeah, he's staying with us for like five days, and I I've been friends with I I just realized like I've known this guy since we were in elementary and we're still good friends. Now he has a now getting his third kid, and it's just wow, like you know, it's a long time because you know we're in our almost in our 40s, or he's in his 40s actually. Um it's like 30 years, which is crazy. That's crazy. It's crazy, yeah. And I have another friend that I just met yesterday, and I've been, I mean, we've known each other since we were in diapers, and he's been a best friend uh of mine. It's crazy. And so again, I'm not talking, you know, like I know everything about friendships. I think there are healthy things that we do that I am confident about that I think would help maintain good, healthy relationships. I actually had a situation yesterday with my friend where um I had to, well, I I wanted to talk to him about certain things. I was like curious about certain things. I also, you know, kind of talked about some of the ways uh it was making me feel about some of the behavior that he was doing. Um, not necessarily that it was affecting me, but I was more concerned about him. So having those like tough conversations are really healthy, but hard to do, right? We don't necessarily want to do that. Right. Um, and so let's talk about, yeah, let's talk about the the you know how to be a good friend, I guess as a as a start. Uh and then we can talk about how do you maintain good friendships and also how do you identify a bad one and what makes a bad friend. Um I think for a good friend, I think one of the main points is that you you always want to be the biggest fan, right? You always you want to think about that, you want, you want to do what is best for them or think about what is best for them, right? And so I think encouragement, you know, life is really hard. And so encouraging that friend constantly about what they're doing right, I think is a good mark of a good friend. And something that I I really try to do as as I've um maintained a lot of friendships. One of the things I actively do is I actually text my friends and just actively encourage them. Like, hey, uh, I I ask, like, how can I pray for you? Or uh, hey, I just want to let you know that thanks for being a good friend, thanks for doing this. And then even in our interactions, I always try to like think about, oh, you you're really good at this, or or just some kind of encouragement to uplift them because life is really hard, right? Life is tough, and you just need that person to speak out what is best in them, right? And how often, you know, do people actually do that? Uh, what about you? How how how do you say I I think you're a good friend, to be honest. Um, what are some of the things as you become introspective that you feel like you do that constitutes you as a good friend?

SPEAKER_01 6:22

Well, I'll kind of add to what you just said because it reminded me of something that um so my mom used to be a youth leader in the church, um, and she was in charge of all these college I mean, now it's kids for me, but college students, right? Before I was this tall looking up at the 20-something year, I was thinking they were super, super old. But anyway, um one of the th exercises that she would do, and it would be very awkward in the beginning, but it turned out to be really good at the end, is she would f sit everybody down and she would say, Okay, I want you to say something nice about two people next to you. And it's like you look at your friend or you look at whoever, you're like and you you know, it's because it's it's it's a it can be a little bit unnatural, but like you said, keep doing that, keep speaking positively about some some somebody's specific trait, somebody's specific action that you just wit recently witnessed. I do agree 100% that's something that I try to do, and that really anchors our relationships because everybody has a different skill set. Um, everybody has certain things that they bring to the table, experiences that I could never have had, that give me perspective and encouragement. So again, speaking the uh good two people, I think is a a big one. And the second thing um that's another pillar, I think is just listening. Um that's something you do really well. Tell me more. No, I mean it's it's hard to listen sometimes because you have your own script. Like you uh, you know, you want to talk about everyone wants to talk. Right. Because it makes you feel good. You're you're that was one of the things we covered in the other podcast, is like how to get people to build rapport with you is listening because their dopamine is literally firing as they're speaking. It's giving them psychological air, right? And that's something that not a lot of people give them. I like I like that term psychological air, because I feel I feel that like oh, like fresh air, you know, uh, you know, it feels good when you say that. So yeah, I think uh speaking positively, listening would be my two things.

SPEAKER_00 8:50

That's good. That's good. Let me ask you this. Why why do you okay? So we if you look at the statistics, and and we have a lot more guys, honestly, it it's pretty staggering. Uh loneliness is an epidemic right now, it's a it's a real issue. What do you think is the cause? Like, what's going on in our society? Because I remember when I was growing up, like I grew up with a lot of friends, um, and we used to play outside, we used to just meet people, we used to go to other people's homes. Oh, yeah. That dynamic has changed recently in the advent of the internet, social media. For sure. So, what do you think is going on in our world? Uh that you know, like the Gen Zs and the generations younger than them, like, what do you think is going on that is causing such an epidemic right now?

SPEAKER_01 9:39

I think it's pretty obvious for me. I think it's tech. Tech. I mean, if I could just say one word and end it there, it would be tech. Again, so many positives, so many, countless. I mean, you can get internet uh in the middle of the ocean now with Starlink. That's crazy. But then okay, I have to share so my son, Alex, my eight-year-old, he's been doing chores, he's been doing scrubbing things, cleaning things. He wants to go play, but he wants this Nintendo Switch. Okay, what's the plan? We made a chart, saving, saving, piggy bang, you know. He even made a bet with me, or I made a bet with him that he wouldn't eat this Thai chili pepper, you know, the really spicy ones. Like, Alex, you're not you're not gonna eat this. I'll bet you a hundred bucks. It came out of my mouth, and he's like, his eyes got like this big, and he said, a hundred dollars. I need 450 for my new switch, right? He ate it. He ate it, he ate it, and I'm like, you can't drink milk for five minutes. And we put a timer on wow, the big timer with the big numbers. He's like, ah what's freaking you should take him video. We have we I'll I'll send that to you guys. Of course, Jessica, you know, my wife took one. So he scrounged up, he did all these things, he cried when he went to his friend's um uh birthday party because his friend Freddie got an Xbox for his birthday. Not that that's a bad thing, because I told Alex we don't know what he has to do or what his situation's like, though, so let's not judge. Yeah, long story short, we got it yesterday. The switch. The switch. We gotta use one because I tell him, hey, we could get a new one for 450 plus tax, but then you can get a game and a case and this and that. We're half off. Hey, Cat Williams. Uh hey, I didn't realize I was yeah. So we met this guy, I'm telling telling him how to negotiate, all the and he's just like, I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I he's like, my dream has come true. My he's literally like shaking like this. And I'm like, okay, now we have to set boundaries. Now we have to set, okay, what's next? How do you gain time for this? And the whole the whole time, I'm like, okay, what about a 16-year-old who has a phone who is to go back to our topic, who has this seemingly interconnected world that he or she's connected to, but at the same time that so many things happen in interaction. It could be ranging from pleasure to discomfort, right? Maybe somebody smells, maybe somebody's tired and they're not really even paying attention to you. Maybe this person's wonderful, delightful. You gain this positive. It's the mixture of all these things that I think kids are lacking. And because you feel that you are involved in something that's digital, it's just not the complete human experience. I think for me, it would be tech.

SPEAKER_00 12:42

I I honestly believe just in that topic, I believe, yes, 100% tech. And also to expound on that, I believe our home entertainment has gotten way too entertaining where our homes have become just so comfortable that we don't have the incentive to go out. Because what happens when we go out, we have to deal with people. There are good parts to people, but there's also sacrifices to being in community. Like you got to like have tough conversations, or you gotta um, you know, like kind of hold your breath on on, you know, some of the the tough things that they do, or you gotta have conflict and et cetera, et cetera. At home, it's just a natural human behavior dynamic where it's like, oh wow, I get to play a Switch that's so it is so stimulating, it's so fun. I don't have to deal with people's problems, I don't have to listen to anybody, I don't have to do any of this, right? And I get to really just uh have all this entertainment, of course. For adults, Netflix, I mean adults also play video games, but you got Netflix, you have um, you know, these incredible uh I mean there's just I mean I have virtual a virtual reality machine, right? We have uh computers, right? We have YouTube, we have all these things that we that that can really just create a lot of uh entertainment at home. And I also believe like we're what happened in America since the 1980s is that now we're all into like these big homes, right? Or since 1970s, 1960s. I mean, we used to have 1300 square foot homes before that. We used to have um we used to live in huts. We used to literally, and what I mean huts, like very tall, small cabins, right? And that was like the community. Uh, and so it's not comfortable. I mean, what do you do at home? There's nothing, they don't have electricity back then, and so community was very strong, and it was there's a lot of incentive to have community. What changed now over time is that now it's like we have these large homes, we're so comfortable at home, we have all this entertainment, there's just not enough incentive to go out anymore. But then we're starting to see the effects of this. We're seeing the effects of the the loneliness because now they're not interacting with humans, but we are designed to be around human beings, right? We're made to be in community, and it's really causing a lot of issues now.

SPEAKER_01 15:18

So we have statistics that obviously prove this these points, and then we have some of the ways that we've talked about how to create and maintain friendships and community. Can we go a little bit deeper into how do you met somebody, there's a work friend, it's a hobby, friend, or you met them at a group, which is a great thing to do, by the way. Like the idea of community. Like I race cars, right? And as soon as I enter the racetrack, like my mindset shifts. Actually, when I see the racetrack, I'm like, oh, this is this is my playground. Like, I don't care how old you are, young you are, it just puts me on the same level. Everybody's complaining about something that broke. Everybody's complaining that you know they don't have enough money to do this thing. But like, once you do or get those friendships, how do you like what are some um strategies or tactics to maintain them in your experience?

unknown 16:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:18

First of all, can you see that I'm having an allergic reaction right now? Uh to to what? There's a show. What? No. I'm having a I'm having a reaction right now. Oh. I took something that I uh it was like a probiotic. Anyway, um I thought you were just blushing because uh oh, is my face red? A little bit, okay, but it's not bad. Anyway, um, so how do you maintain good friendships? I I think is a an important question. And um, you know, it's certainly we we've certainly been through a lot of um tough situations at times, and there are friends I've actually had to just cut off because there just wasn't any reciprocation um with trying to maintain the relationship. I think it takes two to tango, and so if one friend is just you know overgiving and then the other friend is just not willing to, you know, be a friend, then that's the other thing we're gonna talk about next. Is like, is there a certain point where we just gotta be like, hey, sorry, this friendship is not working out. This was great for the season. There's a statistic saying that the average length of a friendship, funny enough, is seven years. You'd be surprised according to a statistic. That's actually the average length of a friendship.

SPEAKER_01 17:35

I guess we're almost done. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:38

Yeah, that's so this podcast is gonna be the end of our podcast.

SPEAKER_01 17:44

Interesting. Wow. I've okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:47

Please continue. I'm gonna think about that. I think one of the things that, again, you know some of the good things, you have to be really encouraging, right? You want to be their biggest advocate, you want to help them as much as possible, but also you want to avoid paternalism, which is doing what you think is best for them, right? Or like overhelping them where they could do things that then they could do things themselves, and that's where it becomes a problem, where um you you you actually can be hurting them by helping them on some things, like you keep giving your friend money, which he's clearly on drugs, right? Oh, you're actually helping them do more drugs, sure, and you're actually destroying their lives, sure, more than helping them. Yep. And so there are good parts to the friendships. Uh, I think one thing they I think one of the biggest responsibilities as a good friend is because in life, there's rarely people who are going to call you out, who are going to, when I say call you out, there's rarely people who are going to tell you the truth because they would rather avoid you, right? They would rather just like distance themselves or just tolerate you for a short time. But the real good friends are the ones who tell them the truth. Like, for example, if someone talks too much, right? Most people are not going to say anything because they would be like, I just don't want to like deal with them. I don't want to deal with that conflict. I'll just avoid the person, and that's what a lot of us do. Sure. But the good friend uh are people who tell them in love, you can't just be like, dude, you're talking way too much. It's super annoying. Obviously, that's that's not a good method to deliver something bitter. You want to deliver it with a little bit of honey, right? Sure. And so I think a good friend lovingly shares with them some things that they notice and they they observe about them for their own betterment.

SPEAKER_01 19:39

Um can you give me a little example? Let's do the talking thing. Like somebody just keeps talking over you and interrupts you.

SPEAKER_00 19:48

Uh yeah, I mean, when someone has a dynamic of doing that, uh you so the way I kind of approach issues is I try to talk to them about I I try to be more curious. Like, hey, I just noticed that you you uh tend to kind of talk over people uh often. Like here's some some examples. I'm just curious on why you do that. And I I think that's a good like you want to come from curiosity because you know some sometimes, um, like for example, uh I had a recent situation where uh it had to involve finances. So, like, you know, people are like making fun of me for being so conservative with my finances, but then rather than just making fun of me and criticizing me for the way I I handle my finances, it's like why not come from curiosity, right? And that's what I would want. It's like, hey, find out more about why I do certain things. Same thing with the guy who talks too much. You want to find out why the person talks so much. Oh, when I was young, you know, I have four brothers, and my brothers never let me talk. And so, like, I had to actually be quiet, and and so you start bringing up things within them. It's like, oh, so that's why you act in that way, and then once you start getting understanding, then you could start um you you could begin to make a challenge of what uh of behaving in certain ways because you have to tell the person, hey, by the way, if you continue on this path, because you have to ask them, like, hey, why do you think uh uh because you keep telling me you struggle with you know maintaining friends or having friends. Why do you think that happens? And you kind of want to bring that you know together and be like, hey, have you thought that it could also be the fact that you talk over people and you never let people speak? Um, and that's I I think that's a a good conversation to get them to um change their behavior for their own betterment so they can be, you know, more a better um person in community, then they're gonna start getting invited more, they're gonna want people. People around him more. If he's a better listener, people are going to want to be around him more. And I think ultimately that's what people want. It's just sometimes there's not a person to call them out to tell them how to get more friends or how to be around more people.

SPEAKER_01 22:14

Yeah, I think that's um it's difficult for most people to tackle, you know, that tact of conversation and how to have some honey, you know, with with the um bitterness, with the bitterness and kind of balance that out. Uh, but there are, you know, like we've covered it in our previous podcast, there's different techniques out there, but I think that is a very important thing is having the courage. Um because I I felt it where it's like, oh man, I because I my mind will create a story that's not really real or helpful. It's like, oh wow, I should probably like I'm drawing conclusions about this person without trying to understand or try to influence it and having a plan around that to then I can say, okay, I've tried this and it doesn't work and it hasn't been working, hasn't been working. And then I think maybe that's a good segue into the next topic, um, which is like how do you what what are the signs of a good friend and a bad one? So I guess we're kind of straddling both things, right? What do you what are your thoughts on that one?

SPEAKER_00 23:30

Yeah, let's talk about the good friend, uh, just to get that done. So uh someone who listens, someone who asks you how you're doing without you going through something, right? You don't necessarily have to be like you don't want necessarily have to have a venting bomb on you in order for you to ask them, you know, how they're doing, right? Um someone who respects your boundaries, like hey, I you know, I don't like it when you um come over to my house and and and uh just destroy you know destroy like make a mess, right? And then someone who respects that. I I think there should be like healthy boundaries between friends, someone who celebrates your wins, like like authentically celebrates your wins. Or if the relationship is one-sided, I I think um oh sorry, that that's uh that's a bad friend. We'll we'll get there, but um, someone who's reliable, someone who you whom you could trust. Um if the per if if, for example, like hey, you we're gonna meet up at uh this one uh pub and the person cons consistently shows a blate or doesn't show up to to friend things. I mean, I I I I think you don't want that, right? As as a friend. Like you need someone who's reliable. That's a good that's being a good friend, is by being trustworthy and being reliable. I can count on you on on hard times. Um, and I can count on you that you do what you say you're going to do. I think some things about bad friends is someone who repeats like the opposite, someone who repeatedly crosses boundaries, uses you, or manipulates you, uh, or only shows up when it benefits them. You know what I mean? Um I think, yeah, I I think that's I I don't think a bad friend is someone who necessarily uh is someone you disagree with either, right? Because we're all gonna have disagreements.

SPEAKER_01 25:25

Yeah, that's a good point.

SPEAKER_00 25:26

I think this is the one of the another big problem with uh what's going on with the loneliness epidemic is that we are cutting people off just because they disagree with us, and it's like, man, even me and my wife don't disagree. We agree on a lot of things, but we don't we don't agree on everything. And so just because you're on the left, just because you're on the right, just because you're you know, you you believe in this and I believe in that doesn't mean we can't be friends. And I think the position that we should be having is hey, let me hear your points, and then rather than trying to convert each other, let the person know both should be respectful of our beliefs, but then ultimately it's our choice as adults to choose what we want to believe in or what we want to support or what we want to do. Obviously, there's like limitations if you believe in murder, right? Yeah, you just really love murdering people. I'm gonna be like, no, that's that's I I can't be friends with that. But for the most part, like if you're if you're uh right and I'm left, I think we could still be friends.

SPEAKER_01 26:40

So, yeah, well, that's where the being in community and being, you know, we call it like belly to belly with people, face to face, I think that's where you build up that tolerance to listen to somebody speak and it not be perfectly aligned with what you think, and then having them articulate or give points behind those things, and then it kind of gets you to think, oh wow, I've never thought about that in this way. And uh, I think you can even train yourself to do that even online. Like we talked about a specific podcast that we both listen to, and I love the verbal jousting that happens on this podcast, yeah. The all-in podcast, which is like the highest level of people disagreeing, you know, because they have hundreds of employees that just listen to them, right?

SPEAKER_00 27:28

Yeah, and they're billionaires, and they have yeah, and of course they're gonna have differing thoughts. Like, there's literally people who are on the right, on the left politically, but they're still in you know, communication.

SPEAKER_01 27:40

And the way the what I appreciate about you know you is that when you talk to somebody about a disagreement, I think the setup is really uh it's it's obviously you've been practicing it over many years, and there's a lot of trial and error, and we do it to be fair, in our business every day. We're always negotiating with people. I've had agents, clients yell at me, and it's like after the after they yell, something you know, you listen to them do these techniques and they come back to baseline and be like, I'm so sorry. But it's being kind of having the taste of discomfort and disagreement by exposing yourself to it, yeah, even if it's not specifically in person, although that's really the ultimate form. I think that's where the um uh I guess the muscles are get built.

SPEAKER_00 28:34

Yeah. So I think we should talk about um when should you cut a friend off? Like when is that point for you, John, where it's just and I'm sure you've had to do this before, right?

SPEAKER_01 28:47

This is a tough one for me. Um I I know, because you especially. Yeah, so when should you cut off a friend? Um, I've had I've struggled with this because I've always been somehow in the middle of people a lot, and uh like one of the common things that my like my my wife teases me about is I become friends with everybody, right? So one of the things about my personality is that um I kind of mediate between people a lot because I don't really have too many enemies because of my personality, like I'm not very cut and dry on certain things, yes, you know, like my kids, especially. I'm super cut and dry with my kids. Um but in terms of relationships, I'm I'm just kind of like, oh, you think this way, cool, I like you. You think this way, cool, I like you, unless it's like a murderer, you know, something crazy. Anyway, um, I probably go too far naturally to accommodate people. And uh to me, the boundary line would come when uh I guess for me, respect is a big thing because of my culture. Um if you're not showing me respect over a long period of time, and and whatever it is for most people, I'm probably double that. Like I'll probably just take it for a little while, and then I'll realize okay, there's a clear pattern of the easiest thing for me is returning text calls, like communication. Okay, because like how hard is it to give me a callback? And not once, but over like six months, right? Yeah, and I've had a few friends that I've I've not become enemies with, but I've just kind of let go, like, okay, you're gonna live your life the way you do. Uh like I'm sometimes talking to their family members more than this person, which is weird, right? Yeah, and uh anyway, so I think for me it's the communication um because that really does show respect. Um and I really think that's the beginning of it for me. Like, what about for you? How have you um seen that show up?

SPEAKER_00 31:11

Yeah, I I I do like you, I I feel pretty tolerant. I mean, I've had friends forever. Seriously, I have another friend coming in today. I mean, we've been friends since junior high, right? And I have a lot of other friends that we've just been friends forever. There are friends I've had to cut off. And as I've uh really audited my friendships in the past, that I'm so glad that I cut off. I've realized why, you know, why it was so good for me to cut them off in my life. And there's not like a whole bunch of them, but there are a few of them. And I want to talk about um, without naming names, I want to talk about some of the reasons why I would cut them off. I think I think just to get really practical here, it's like, you know, when should you cut cut off a friend? They um they they keep crossing repeatedly, uh keep uh crossing clear boundaries. Um if the relationship is one-sided, right, consistently one-sided, where the person's just taking, taking, taking, you're just giving emotional, you know, energy, you're giving money, you're getting, you know, gifts, and you're giving, you know, uh you're serving them, right, with acts of service, and and they're just taking, taking, taking without them reciprocating. I think you should call them out on that. And if they don't reciprocate, that person's just a taker. I think the person just just uh is uh a sucking of like your emotional energy, uh, and sometimes you know your financial energy. Uh if there's a deal breaker situation, right? Like the person, you know, takes your girl or you know, whatever, that's that's not good. And I think you have to find those who are really uplifting you in your life rather than constantly bringing you down. I think there's this dynamic between men where they're like we're we're like criticizing each other and we're like we kind of like make fun of each other, but if that becomes a dynamic where they're like being serious and they are constantly speaking what they used to be rather than what they could be, which is something positive, then that person's also not a good friend. And you have to call them out on that. And if they keep doing that, I think it's better for you as a someone who has studied success, it's better for you for you to cut people like that off than for you to stay in that kind of relationship and just let them literally anchor you from you like living your best life, being happy, being successful, being just living your best. Um, friendships are extremely important in that sense. For me, I used to, I so people used to make fun of me a lot. Uh, I was a silly kid. I was just like a silly, silly kid. I was kind of naive. And I remember I had one of my best friends in gosh, when I was in elementary school, I had I had a friend and he would constantly make fun of me, like constantly criticize me. And and but he it wasn't just me, it was like to everyone, and I'm not friends with him anymore. And uh he he didn't even ask. I mean, I don't even know if he cares, but uh this guy I used to hang around with, I realized he was such a toxic person in my life, my my life because he was constantly bringing me down. And it's like it's fun if you do it every once in a while, but if that's like a constant thing that actually speaks life into you, it starts making if you call someone dumb every day, you're gonna become dumber. Or if you if you call someone certain negative traits, you're just gonna become more like that. Oh, you're such a klutz. Well, then you'll be more like a klutz. And so I'm so glad that that relationship cut off. And I would, I would never resume that uh relationship unless the person's clearly willing to change. Uh, and then I had another friend in high school that uh he was honestly my best friend, and we would hang out every day. And what I realized about that relationship is uh he was incredibly toxic to me. Uh, we used to do all these things, we were into cars together, we would race, we would, you know, do these parties and we play video games. There were some parts that kept the relationship together, but it was also a very negative relationship where he constantly brought me down. Like everything I did wrong, he would just emphasize everything I did wrong, and that really made me feel subservient, made me feel smaller, but that also boosted his ego, which is why he kept doing it. He has his own hurts, he would bring me down, boost his own ego, and that was the dynamics of the relationship. As soon as I started, you know, I got older and I didn't tolerate that kind of thing. Then I stopped hanging around with, you know, him. And honestly, that's what kind of helped my mentality. And so I think those are just a couple of examples. We don't have to talk too much about it, but I think there are just some examples of friends. Uh, I think there are friends who who also are unhealthy in that they just they're like they're they're like with you in everything and they don't call you out. And that's also not a good friend, right? It's like those you see those group of girls, and then the girls like talking about her boyfriend, and you know, whatever. It's like, oh yeah, he's a piece of crap. Oh, it's just like those negative friends who just, oh yeah, he's uh he's a piece of junk. He might not be a bad guy, but then it's like the the people who just keep agreeing with you without challenging you on certain things four boyfriends later or four husbands later, it's just like no, it's you, and your friends aren't calling you out for you to change your behavior to actually have a good relationship. Yeah, I agree, and that's what I've seen as well. So, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:53

I mean, just to be clear, when you say, you know, like when we say end a relationship, it doesn't mean you know, yell at them and berate them and you know burn all the bridges ever, right? Because we're human beings, it's a small world, you're gonna keep running into those, but it's the idea of not having enough energy to spare. Like, I want people to be around me that fill me up as well, that I can also fill up. And with careers, family, hobbies, for me, that's helped me to be very like, okay, I just don't have time or energy to to to I I I'm already pulling on all, you know, um, pulling from everything as as as it is. And one is clearly not living up to, you know, like the people who, like you said, agree too much or disagree too much. There's always a fine balance. The people who don't understand how to speak life into you, or sometimes maybe they're just regurgitating their hurts on you because you are like a comfortable person. I've experienced that, right? Yes. They like latch onto you. It's an emotionally draining thing, but they get filled because they have no other place to like get it from.

SPEAKER_00 38:03

Yeah, no one else will give them that, you know, that blood supply.

SPEAKER_01 38:07

And I think it's to your point, it's always a good thing to say, okay, I feel the discomfort, I see the pattern, right? Maybe use the rule of three. It's like, okay, you hurt me once, okay, twice. I'm gonna take a note of that. This is what I was really bad at is taking specific examples. And the third time, it's like, let's sit down and talk. You also have to do the same thing, you have to cross that bridge and go over to the other side as well. Yeah, and and for that, you need some skill and practice on how to have difficult conversations. That's a different thing. But you must also be, you know, courageous enough and caring and loving enough to start that conversation. Yeah, and then once those things don't work, you just kind of say, okay, I don't know how I can continue to put energy into this, and uh, you know, just slowly phase them out and and and you know, that's kind of the end or cutting people off. I would I would assume you agree with that. Um I would, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:07

So it's good to cut people off at a certain point.

SPEAKER_01 39:09

Yeah, and like you said, lastly, uh, it's healthier to stay alone than to stay in a training friendship. Yeah, I would 100% agree. It could even be a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Um, and then you know, on to the next. So one of the things is because of the changing world that we live in, you talked about tech, we talked about these communities. How do you make new friends? Uh I'm a transplant, so I'm from Hawaii. I'm you know to Washington. Um, I've had I've experienced just kind of changing world and changing environments. I've been to this job, this job. What how do you make new friends?

SPEAKER_00 39:50

I want to use my wife as a great example of somebody who, I mean, she already had friends, but she also had a transition where she became a parent. And so she's actually been making a lot of friends. And I think she she really because she actually said um, you know, several months ago, like, hey, I want to make more friends, I want to make more mom friends. And she and one beautiful thing about her is she executes, she actually does, she takes action, and she really took action. And uh there are certain things that that she has done. So I think one of the biggest problems with the Gen Z generation right now is that they are struggling with making friends. Uh, it's a good pursuit. So for anybody who is a Gen Z, please pursue friends, pursue community. It's hard, but it's so worth it. And then the next question is like, how do you make good friends? So let's just talk right from the beginning. Um, you you gotta join some kind of community. You you you gotta, you know, there are dig digital communities, there are you know, Facebook groups, there's Instagram groups, uh, interest-based groups. I have a cousin who's into magic cards, and so he has a community with magic carts. Um, moms, right? It's like, okay, I have a community around you know being a mom, or even just working out, not going out to the gym, because you're not gonna, it's it's you, it's weird to just go up to someone and start talking to them, right? You don't want to be that guy at the gym. Um, but perhaps like something like CrossFit or some some place where it's easier to like talk to people and have that kind of you know uh interaction, I think is really important. And you can find so many of these online. And and the second thing I'll say is um really you you got to be okay with being vulnerable, you have to be okay with getting hurt or getting rejected, and that's one of the biggest problems that Rebecca had is she was so afraid, like deathly afraid, of rejection. She had traumas in her past, yet because she overcame that, because she said it's greater to have friends, have the chance to have friends, than to experience the pain of rejection. And it's hard to do because pain is more impactful than gain. And so, really, you I have to say, as a precursor, you must put yourself out there. It's okay to be be rejected, it's okay if someone rejects you and says says they don't want to be your friend. You're you're not gonna be for everyone, but then we're gonna transition into how to you be how do you become how do you make good friends? What are some of the techniques to actually be a good friend, um, or or be uh attractive to someone to want to want to get to know you, to want to be your friend. And and I'll say without you know arrogance, it's like I've had this situation where I I mean I've had situations where I there was just too many people in my life. Um, and I I I literally I wouldn't, I I mean, there would only be like one friend that I would reach out to to hang out. Most people would reach out to me. There are people who showed up at my door, you know. Again, I'm not trying to be arrogant, I'm just saying like this stuff does work if you do it right. And I think one of the techniques is um you have to be a good listener. You have to encourage, don't criticize, don't be that critical person because they're not gonna want to be around you. Don't criticize too much. And yeah, you may get another critical person and you might gossip about people, and it may work for a little bit, but that friendship is gonna break at some point because at some point, according to Stefan Covey's book, is like you're gonna think that you're talking bad about each other when you've turned each other's backs, right? And and it's all subconscious, and so you don't want to just be that critical, you know, that that uh social critical group because it's gonna break. But if you want to be a good friend or or be attractive friend, ask a Lot of questions. That's one thing Rebecca does really well that I've seen her do with her friends. She just constantly asks questions. How are you? Oh, how is like motherhood? Oh, like, oh, tell me, give me some advice about this because people want to talk about giving advice and it makes people feel good. And so Rebecca's right now at a place where she's like coming to a breaking point where she like gained too many mom friends that she started it. Then now it's like, okay, then who do we hang out with? But I one thing is like stop talking about what you know. People don't care as much. Talk about what they know, talk about what they're struggling with, talk about what you know, talk about them, make it all about them, and that'll make you an extremely attractive person. What about you? What are some of the things that you think could be like really attractive to make friends? Can you give me some advice on how to make friends? Okay, so oh, I feel good. It makes me feel good. I feel something in my tummy.

SPEAKER_01 44:58

Um that's that's beautiful, man. Uh my Jessica, my wife recently invited your wife to a kickboxing class. Yeah. And she was like, you know, she was so giggly and happy afterward. How'd it go, you know? And she's like, Yeah, we started like here, and then by the end of the car ride, it's only like 20 minutes away. We were talking about life things, and like, you know, she got really into things by asking the right questions. And that's funny because I heard some of the questions that she asked, some of which I probably can't tell right here. Because it involves you, okay? Oh, okay. Hey, cut this off, cut this off. But that's a great uh piece of advice is ask questions. And there is a skill to this, right? It's how to build rapport one-on-one, like how to ask the right questions. I tell my kid, it's like the five W's and the H, who, what, when, were, why, and the how. It's like if you just stick to those things, you don't have to talk at all. And to add some nuance to what you're saying, maybe there's some people out there that you're like, well, I don't really know where to start, I don't know where to go. I'm just a nine to five guy. I don't like I don't even know what I'm in. There are people like that. And I think, you know, I think about like starting inward and then going outward. So um you got to ask yourself, maybe verbally or mentally, or even on a piece of paper. Like, what are you into? What's what interests you? What makes time go by a little bit quicker? Oh, an hour went by. I'm gardening, I'm watching this show, or I'm training for this, or whatever it is. I like to go on walks. Well, there's a club for that. To flip the script, yes, tech is there, but how do you use it to your advantage, right? Like I'm on I'm on Facebook mostly for business and car stuff. Uh, but I see all of these groups that are super niche that you never would have, you know, like there's a rucking group, right? Yeah. It's rucking is yeah. Yeah, rucking is basically carrying heavy objects across long distances slowly. We're not running, we're not doing anything, but you're just carrying a backpack or some weight. Kind of goes back to the idea that when you know humans are the best endurance athletes on the planet, which's a fact, we chase animals not by speed, but by time and distance. The gazelle gets tired. Oh, he's still here, 50 more miles, right? Yeah, there's all these things like you like. I just talked to a client about uh archery, he's into Japanese archery, traditional longbow archery. Yeah, and I'm like, this is fascinating. So I'm like asking him, and he's like, Can you help me find the art? Can you help me set up an archery uh like dojo? I don't know what it's called, but like a play. I'm like, great, we're doing these things, we're looking at things. If you start inward, I think the answers are there to what interests you, what motivates you. Try to find something that relates to that outside, and maybe even start online with a you know uh but then that will eventually translate, hopefully, into like a group that you can meet up or talk to people about mutual interests, and now you have a common ground, it could be a running club. I could name like 10 different things that people could look up, but there's like unlimited amounts of clubs and activities. And if you're a parent, I mean it's so much easier, I think, to have all these interest groups or play dates, different things. Um yeah, and for me, I think that's a good one to keep in mind is kind of understand what motivates you, and then try to find interest groups that match that, and then you're in. All you need to do is find one.

SPEAKER_00 48:58

And try different things, you know, and and for anybody who's single, this is also a great way to meet people, right? And if you don't have any interest, if you're just not interested in anything, dude, go volunteer. Do something good, like that's a good one. You know, the the because you volunteer at the um you're you're such a good person. Oh, thank you, thank you. I've actually met so many people through my homeless ministry that I used to do. That's great advice. People used to meet each other. I mean, I have friends who like got married because of not my homeless ministry, but uh it was the former homeless ministry. They got married because they were volunteering together. Beautiful. What a beautiful thing. Uh uh good camps, what is it called?

SPEAKER_01 49:39

Uh Good Times. Yeah, it's a it's a pediatric, it's a kid cancer camp basically. And uh man, it's yeah, it's amazing.

SPEAKER_00 49:50

What a beautiful thing that you guys are doing, and then just to like serve together, because I met people when I when I went there, we we remember we did that event and we were doing these games, and I like met these people, it was a lot of fun, and I I feel like that's such a good way. First of all, it's just good for you to volunteer. You want to really reduce your depression, go volunteer at a kid's cancer camp and see how you're yeah, see, see, see how that just changes who you are and uh changes your your your the way you like your perspective on things, but then also you get to meet a lot of people who also are just like trying, you know, like kind-hearted and good people. There's always something to connect with, like you're not into archery, I know you're not, but you find that fascinating that someone has this like passion for archery, right? Talk about TV shows or movies, yeah. Like that's you almost universal. Uh, you know, talk about hey, did you watch um what's uh Severance? So many like apparently it's a really good show. I haven't watched it yet, but I love asking people about their favorite shows because it really they like they light up, like, oh yeah, like this documentary, you know, blah blah blah blah. And it's like, whoa. The point is, and let me uh let me give you advice for you, Gen Zs, or anybody who struggles struggles with social interactions. You you really have to be good at asking questions and then threading them to ask more questions. And if you struggle, simply repeat the last three words that they said, or the last five words, or just summarize what they just said, and they will elaborate more on that. Such a simple technique, right? So you're saying I should just summarize what you said? Yeah, so like Bait.

SPEAKER_01 51:40

No, I'm kidding. That's great advice. I really love the fact that you said volunteering. What a game changer! Get out of your mind, get out of your funk, help somebody. There's uh, I mean, and even church, like I mean, I know we talked about this before, but church, if you if you know somebody who goes to church, there's volunteering at church too. You know, there's all of these opportunities that help you feel that your problems are a little bit less uh important, right? Or as strong. And I think that's great advice.

SPEAKER_00 52:18

Your mental health will drastically improve if you're in a community, if you're in serving with a community, I think it'll I think that's just a game changer. But you know, just in any kind of community, it'll be so so helpful. So if anybody is listening, for two people who are in community, like I'm in multiple communities and I do have friends, like man, I haven't struggled with depression for a very long time. Uh, I do feel fulfilled. I have people who encourage me, like, because I chose the right friends to be around me, not the the takers, not the you know, people who criticize me all the time. I have the right people around me and I I feel like fulfilled every single day. And it gives me the energy to make more money, to become more successful, to do the things that I have to do, right? Um, even your partner, you know, like you could use some of these things with your partner, be more encouraging to your partner, right? Say the say what they become can become like rather than what their past used to be, right? Speak life into them rather than death, and there's just a lot of techniques. And so, anyway, just to kind of summarize all of this, you know, I think I think there are signs of a good and a bad friend, and we talked about some of those things. So find out what those signs are, be good to the the ones who are good, call out the ones who are bad, and if they're not willing to change, and people don't have to, and that's the that's the reality of life. It's like you don't have to change, but I'm not gonna continue to be a part of this, you know, negative impact on my life. Sorry, this is just not going to work for me because that's gonna affect the way my marriage is, that's gonna that affects your mood, and that's affects the way I treat my kids, and so identify the bad ones and then cut them off if need be. And really, and then and then if you cut a lot of your bad ones out, start finding new friends, and you can find those new friends by going to all these communities, finding them online. You don't have to look anywhere, just look online, right? Finding them online or go to your local church and then uh and then in order to gain the friends, be a great listener and a gr person who just asks really good questions, uh, and then you know, there's like a whole maintain this friendship protocol as well. And that's really it. I mean, that's that that's that's the whole that's the whole thing. Let's let's cure this loneliness epidemic uh that we're struggling with in this you know tech-filled society. Amen to that. Yeah. Well, thank you for watching, guys. Again, please like and subscribe to our channel. We really appreciate anybody who's watching. Uh, and it really does help the algorithm for you to just hit that like button. You don't even have to subscribe, just hit that like button and it'll really help us. So we'll see you guys next time. And uh thanks, guys.