Milk & Honeys
Milk & Honeys" is the perfect blend of raw industry insights and unfiltered realness. Like the ingredients that sweeten and smooth out a cup of tea, hosts Kayla Becker (TV host of 10 years) and Vanessa Curry (model and actress of 10 years) bring their own flavors to the conversation— Together, they spill the tea on what it really takes to live and thrive in LA’s entertainment scene.
So, grab a mug and sip on some Milk & Honeys—because we’re serving the tea with all the right ingredients.
Milk & Honeys
Episode 12: Dating Icks, Red Flags, and Free Food: The Single Life Survival Guide w/ Kayla Becker and Vanessa Curry
Relationships end for countless reasons, but what happens when the person isn't "bad" – you're just fundamentally different? In this deeply personal episode, Kayla opens up about her recent breakup from a year-and-a-half relationship that ended just a week before recording.
"I'm a professional self-sabotager," Kayla admits while exploring her fearful-avoidant attachment style. Her candid reflection on how childhood trauma – being uprooted frequently, experiencing foster care, and separation from her mother – impacts her adult relationships resonates powerfully. She shares the particular challenge of grieving someone who's still alive but no longer in your life, a unique pain many listeners will recognize.
The conversation evolves naturally into dating horror stories (including an awkward Soho House encounter with a date who claimed to be "sick"), green flags to look for, and those little "icks" that can doom a relationship before it starts. Kayla and Vanessa share personal lessons they've learned the hard way, like Kayla realizing she shouldn't date men whose primary goal is becoming a husband and father when she doesn't share those aspirations.
Between vulnerable moments come bursts of laughter and wisdom about finding balance between career ambition and personal contentment. "We have big thoughts, big vision, big energy," Vanessa notes, "but those little pieces of gratitude are going to help reform and reshape that mold for you."
Whether you're processing your own breakup, navigating the dating world, or simply trying to understand your attachment style better, this episode offers both comfort and clarity. Listen in, take a few cleansing breaths with us, and remember: healing isn't linear, but it is possible.
Universe. Did you hear that?
Speaker 2:Because this is what we want. Okay, If there happens to be a random sack sitting outside as we walk to our car full of money, we would appreciate it We'll take it All right. Welcome back everyone to Milk and Honeys. This episode is going to be a little bit different than the others and I thought maybe which I've never suggested this before and I think you might get emotional with what I'm about to ask, but maybe, before we get into it, we start with um three cleansing breaths.
Speaker 2:Say it louder. Say it louder. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:We're going to do three cleansing breaths. Please join us. We're going to be talking about some real raw things. I'm Vanessa by the way You're one of your hosts, and obviously you guys know the beautiful Kayla Becker. All right, so everyone with us, close your eyes, let all the air out. Take a deep breath in. Let it go. Another breath in, let it go One more, the biggest one. Take a deep breath in Taking even more air. Hold it, let it go. By my calculations that was four.
Speaker 1:No, you're just sipping in more air. You know we she almost got it the first time we did this. She made it through like halfway of the second breath, and I could just tell she was staring at me, because I closed my eyes too, except I was peeking at you a little bit to see if you were actually Just now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I did it, you did it, I did it.
Speaker 1:You did it, she just. You know it's fine Well we're getting there. We're getting there. Well, we needed that. Thank you.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, I'm so, I'm just like so proud Growth. So maybe you guys are growing with us.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:By the way, before we get going, I can't help but look at your top. It's very, very cute. Oh, thank you. She's our fashion queen, Miss Model.
Speaker 1:Thank you. This is actually my friend's company called Doves of Dawn. Shout out to Dora Owosu. She is the owner of the company. She is also a beautiful model actress as well entrepreneur, and yeah, we just gotta. You know, jerky, I love a good scarf moment head. She has so many, uh different designs to wear. I'll definitely wear more and all. Every time I wear I'll be like, hey, this is doves of dawn, it's gonna be a totally different thing, so yeah, at doves of dawn, go check it out.
Speaker 2:So many cute ways to wear her scarves all right, he'll uh scarves, but we're talking about scars, the ones of the heart, um. So you know, if I figured this is, this is a safe space. You know, we're we're all friends now and I feel like at this point of the show, you guys have gotten to know us, we let you guys get to know us. So I thought it was also maybe a place where I can talk about something that I've been going through, that I haven't yet talked about publicly, but everyone knows the feeling of this. I am going through a breakup. I've been dating someone for the last year and a half. I don't really publicly post about it, so you may not even know I've been in a relationship. I kind of keep that under wraps.
Speaker 2:I try to protect that part of my life, but unfortunately we have decided to no longer be together. So, yeah, that's kind of been, you know, consuming a lot of my mental space over the last couple of weeks. It's a lot of energy. It is it is a lot of energy, but I think it's, I mean, it's been very sad. It's one of those I haven't really been one to do a lot of energy, but I think it's, I mean, it's been very sad. It's one of those I haven't really been one to do a lot of relationships, Like. I feel like I've been very selective over the years because I typically don't like being in relationships. I very much like being alone. I value my independence more than anything. But I met this guy and I wasn't really looking. I thought I was just going out to get like some free food. Like he had asked me out like many times before and I turned him down every time and I was like well, damn it. Fine, like let's go get some free food.
Speaker 2:Money's tight so uh enjoy the conversation way more than I thought I would. He was super cute and like it's hard to find people who can, like, carry on an intelligent conversation these days. So it was very pleasantly surprised of his like intelligence and the way he can articulate, the way he felt. And then from then on we were just kind of inseparable and we had been living together for the last probably like six months and so, yeah, it's been, it's it's been a tough, been a tough, tough road. It wasn't because, like he was a bad guy or like I just think, you know, we realized how just innately different we are as people and it was no longer going to work, which sometimes works right.
Speaker 1:Sometimes being very, very different does work, but sometimes, if it's too different, you kind of fall out of like that alignment with each other and you're just kind of going in two different directions. Yeah, and it's not a bad thing. No, it's a sad thing. It's like a death. We've talked about that. You know it's like you're going through a death. Basically it's like a death of a friendship, a death of a partnership.
Speaker 2:And it's. It's like you're going through a death. Basically, it's like a death of a friendship, a death of a partnership. It's so weird grieving someone that's still alive, who you could contact if you wanted to, but who don't. It's such a weird feeling.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what made you realize that it wasn't going to work?
Speaker 2:Well, I'm not going to lie. I am a professional self-sabotager.
Speaker 1:I'm just going to stay with that, aren't we all?
Speaker 2:Whether it's love, life, work, whatever, just this thing I can't help about myself. And also I've learned about my attachment styles, which I've been reading about and talking about in therapy, and I think I am a I don't know if I'm a fearful or a what's the other one? Avoidant I think I'm a fearful avoidant. Fearful avoidant, which basically means that when someone gets too close to me, I run the other way. Um, so I think that's a lot of that has to do with, like early childhood and, I think, just the trauma that comes from like being uprooted every like year to go to different schools and being taken away from my mom, going to foster care and, like you know, even with what?
Speaker 2:even with my jobs and stuff, I just feel like I, I just it's my, my fight or flight response is just to leave and then, as soon as someone sees too much of me, I'm like no, you can't see any more of me right, um, and then also, if anyone tells me that they don't like something that I'm doing or a characteristic that I had not physical, but just a characteristic of my personality I immediately shut down and I'm like, well then, this is your problem, I'm not changing that, this is who I am. So bye-bye. So that's essentially.
Speaker 2:I feel like there's a lot more that's happened, but I think I realized we started having issues, probably like back in December, and I think it was just very clear at that time that some very important factors and parts of our lives were just so drastically different Right that neither one of us wanted to compromise on which is okay, it is, but I think, yeah, that's an okay thing it is, but I think it's like almost like lying to yourself that, oh, we can still figure things out even though we're not going to budge on these things, and we just like delayed the inevitable.
Speaker 2:And then obviously it just hurts more because you're, you know, stay together longer than you should. And then it gets to a point where I feel like you start resenting each other and yep, it's a, it's a, it's a very quickly a very quick crumble once that first piece starts to crack, you know.
Speaker 1:Um, was there? Was there a moment that you realized that you were emotionally checked out? Cause, like I feel like when I'm checked out, you know I've I've been in two five year relationships before the one that I'm in now, and um my entire twenties I was in two different relationships and although it took too long to figure it out I'm a slow learner, so slow burner over here but once I do figure it out, I figure it out, you know. And yeah, when I'm checked out, they knew I was checked out. Yeah, my whole energy just changes. I am checked out. Yeah, I, my whole energy just changes. I am talking different. And also I think, like in one of my past relationships, I was trying to give that person an inkling that this was going to happen. Yeah, you know, I was trying to be short. I wasn't saying I love you anymore.
Speaker 1:I wasn't you know I wasn't being all lovey-dovey, I was really trying to do that. But, like for you, since yours is so fresh, you know, was there a moment where you were like I'm this, I'm checked out, Like this is.
Speaker 2:I think it came in like a way of like like I still love the guy for sure, but I think I think the moments I was more intense with like oh, I don't want to lose you, is when we were cause we've gone through this kind of breakup thing a few times and then like the panic came in of like oh my God, I can't lose you, don't leave, like um, because it's just that like drastic change of having someone there all the time that you depend on to them not being there. But I think I even noticed with like intimacy and I I brought up on like being a fearful avoidant. You also like have issues with being intimate, giving this part of yourself that you don't fully want to, right, and so even he would notice it, like I wouldn't, like you know, I would never really initiate kisses or like you know more intimate things, and like the cuddling kind of stopped and I felt so bad because I know how much it was hurting him because he still wanted all of those things. He's a very like he's more anxious attachment and also he's a very touchy person and I'm just not and he had been dealing. He, you know, dealt with my non-touchiness even during the best parts of our relationship.
Speaker 2:So now that we were like on the shambles, it was even more noticeable, right?
Speaker 1:So I don't know, I feel like, yeah, I feel like I probably Were you, did you find yourself letting go of that, like not wanting to be touched when you guys were in a good place, more so, but I mean you guys were in a good place, more so.
Speaker 2:But I mean, I've always been like I'm like a cat, like yeah, come to me, I'll come to you yeah, and then I'll be all over you, but I don't live with, like, the other person initiating it, and I've been like that in all my relationships for the most part I struggle with that sometimes because I'm a very touchy, feely.
Speaker 1:I love to feel like the love and I've loved kisses and like all the things. But you know it, it is one of those funny things because my boyfriend now not that he loves like hugging and we cuddle all the time, but like I'm way he's probably like a normal person, cuddle and like, gives kisses, and I am the person that's like no, no, no, I want to crawl inside your skin.
Speaker 1:I remember when we first started dating, he went to go to the gym or something, and he told me like maybe like 40 minutes before that, like I'm going to go to the gym at like two, 30 or whatever. But I happened to be sitting on the couch and I told him I wasn't going to go at that time and then all of a sudden, I just heard the door close and I was like wait, did you just leave without saying goodbye and giving me a kiss? And when he came back up I was a little upset and so we had to have a conversation about it, because he was like well, I was just going to the gym, I was going to be right back. I'm like yeah, but like what happens if, like, something happens in the elevator?
Speaker 1:and, like you, never come back and then the last thing I saw of you was you walking out the door and just like not saying a word to me. So now, every time it's kind of like a joke almost, but like he does do it because we had a conversation about it. That's funny, you know. I think in relationships you, you want to do the best that you can to provide for what your partner needs yeah always you know no for sure, um, but yeah, so anyway, that's that's the gist of that situation.
Speaker 2:Um, not gonna go too too deep in it, but I think it will. It is we kind of want to open up this conversation about, like, what people do after breakups or what the expectation is after breakups. And um, I know, for me as a recording mess it's only been like a week so I've been, I've had like that really hot and cold week for like I'll be fine and then I'll walk out into the refrigerator and see his ice cream in there and then just break down and then have. I took, I got a box and took all of like her photos down and uh, we also had a dog. It was his dog and coming into the relationship but she's been mine for the last year and a half, but I mean I lost her too and all of her dog toys are still at my place and the place still smells like her and it's like those random moments and I someone who's not used to crying.
Speaker 1:I feel like I've heard so much out, so for that it's probably a good thing. I mean like sobbed crying. I mean I told you the other day I said your energy is giving me, that you're depleted, but I do feel that your energy is lighter, like I don't feel your anxiousness as much Like you were very, very anxious, and I can only because you know we haven't known each other that that long. But like when I first met you, when you moved here, you were single, so I knew that side of you, even though, of course, we're going to change, we're going to grow, we get in relationships. You know, things change, emotions change, energy changes. But I do remember telling you I was like I want I just like feel as though this is not you here. This is somebody that is being molded to be something else that necessarily you're not.
Speaker 1:You're not the one making that decision to mold that part of you. You know it's like you do. You feel very, but yeah, I mean breakups are. It's like I said, it's a death. It's basically a death of a chapter in your life, but you've been doing really, really good, I mean she feels crazy. But you know, I always tell her I'm like girl cry. If you need to punch your pillow, like, put your face in it no-transcript.
Speaker 2:I feel like I've been feeling it and you have to give yourself time. I mean, it's only been a week.
Speaker 1:So it's like you know, if we were having this conversation like two months later, I'd be like girl you're going to get there, but we got to get there.
Speaker 1:Like we got to get there, you know, like it's time, but I mean I don't know. I feel like when I have something going on similar to that, yeah, it takes like a month, I think, to like really be at a state of not even. I don't want to say like great, like a great state, but just a state of not even. I don't want to say like great, like a great state, but just a state of acceptance, of knowing okay this chapter is closed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's okay, there's no bad blood. And even if there was bad blood, you cut that shit out anyway and let it go. You know which? I think you've done a really good job at doing so. I'm proud of you for that.
Speaker 2:well, luckily there's like we ended on once we got to the end on good terms, so I don't want bad blood either, and I again, he's a wonderful, wonderful man and he deserves the best.
Speaker 2:But another, another thing that was just interesting is like so I know, for me I've I've never really like imagined myself getting married or having children, like I've always kind of known that I was. Actually, you know, I was engaged 10 years ago to a man, great guy, but like I knew he wanted kids and he was willing to give that up for me.
Speaker 2:And that's something I couldn't live with, because I'm like I'm not going to take that from you. And it was very similar again with this guy, Our first date. This is how we knew we probably should have dated Our very first date. He said there's nothing in this life he wants more than being a husband and a father. And I said there's nothing in this life that I don't want more than those things, Right. And then we're like, well, let's just date and see what happens, yeah. And then here we are, a year and a half later. I still feel the same way about those things Right.
Speaker 1:And he was willing to like change those things, and I'm like I'm not going to be the one to take that from you, because that's just going to end's like. That's just going to be a fight. You're going to be fighting for the rest of your life. I know, you know, I know. And then, yeah, like you said, resentment, that shit creeps up and builds up real quick.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Real quick and if I don't want that thing, that thing.
Speaker 2:That thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel like bringing a kid into this world is very intense. Yeah, it is not something that you're just like. It'll work itself out. I mean look at the end of the day, hopefully it does work itself out in that situation, if you know, people are going through it and they still decide to bring a life into this world. But it's not something a kid's not going to like fix all the problems, no, it's just going to bring like a thousand more into the picture.
Speaker 2:So, and as someone who's been, you know the foster care system on the first hand. Some people like don't need to be parents.
Speaker 1:Right, because, yeah, they just don't. What do you think you will bring and do differently in your next relationship, like if not to say I'm never dating again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was going to say not to say that you're getting in a relationship.
Speaker 1:I'm single forever. Look at the end of the day. Being single I think we've said this before on the show is so much easier than being in a relationship.
Speaker 2:It really is.
Speaker 1:You don't have to talk to anybody If you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't have to like, worry anything, you know, but um, but like, like I said, there are men out there that you want to like. You know my, my boyfriend, like I, I love texting him in the morning or seeing a text from him in the morning. We don't live together, we don't live together. So, or just you know. But even for us it's like sometimes we FaceTime each other and we're like hey, how's it going? Good, good.
Speaker 2:You good, you good, all right Cool.
Speaker 1:All right, Well, I'll just be here. He's like OK, I'll be here too.
Speaker 2:I think there's something beautiful about long distance relationships which you have. I think I can been in long distance relationships before I feel like they've always done better for me, because I am not the person who needs.
Speaker 2:I can see someone every single day, or like at least and that's another thing us living together in a small apartment in LA, both of our careers in this weird phase so we're like around, we're watching a movie together and we do it again. It's like there was no time for us to just like miss each other. And I think for him, like I think he's one of those people who enjoys that kind of life with his partner, which is great I just like I need like maybe two, at least two days out of the week where I just do my own thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know he, he likes that consistency where it's the same thing, it's like it's like stuff for me.
Speaker 2:He just likes being together. He just likes being like with his partner all the time which is great.
Speaker 2:I think a lot of people are like that. I just know that I am not like that and I just need to like and it's not even about them not being there, like sometimes. I just want to like, get out of bed, go to the couch, put on a sweat pants, turn on my show, eat a big bag of chips and just be gross. And he's like, oh, I'll do that with you. I'm like oh, that's great. That's not my point.
Speaker 2:I don't want you there with me on these situations. I want to just like be by myself.
Speaker 1:I mean even even being in a long distance relationship. Sometimes, when we're together, I'll go into the bedroom and read my book and he's on the couch watching, most likely, espn. You know what I mean. So sorry, he's on the couch watching, most likely, espn you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:So sorry, but yes, espn, we know it's always on the TV Go sports, the go sports. But you know, even us seeing each other, we see each other, you know, once a week, once every two weeks. So we're really good at spending time with each other when we do get to see each other. But even so, with us being together because we are going into each other's spaces, like when we visit each other, yeah, sometimes it's like, you know, or if I have like my girlfriends over, he'll hang out with us for a little bit and then maybe go in the bedroom and like just get into bed and watch TV. Probably ESPN, shout out to ESPN. So, yeah, I totally get it. Space is important. Yeah, I want to miss you.
Speaker 2:I want, yeah, I want to be able to miss you, and I just think it was just, it was unfortunate. I think if we lived in a bigger place or if I was working again full time and he was working full time, it would have been probably, maybe even a different outcome. I think it was just like the luck of the draw and bad timing getting into a relationship and I think I wasn't ready to be in one, but I wanted, you know, I tried to be in one and I think he was. You know, he had way more intention than I did.
Speaker 1:And so anyway, no, no bad blood, a phenomenal man.
Speaker 2:I do miss him dearly. But yeah, the chapter for now has to be closed.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So now I'm just trying to figure out what this post-rel is. Who is single? Kayla? She's been gone for a while. I don't know how am I supposed to act now. Like no, I'm not gonna be posting any. Like I'm single now thirst traps on Instagram.
Speaker 1:That's not really my style. I mean, I think we should.
Speaker 2:I think we should. I think we should, I think you should cut all your hair off.
Speaker 1:Dye it blonde dye it blonde, put yourself in a string bikini and let's just oh my god, I'm like, so performative, like I'm on instagram all these.
Speaker 2:I'm doing so great and the camera's off.
Speaker 1:I'm like, oh my god yeah, you know, it's the breakup culture.
Speaker 2:Everyone does it, everyone does it I the whole, yeah, the whole like just to announce that I'm single again. Yeah, it's not my style. I mean, obviously I'm telling you guys, but I saw I had this friend who got broken up with and, um, he was very upset by it, and then he posts on. He posts like a thirst trap in the mirror in the bathroom. That was like back on the streets or something like that.
Speaker 2:I'm like that's so cringy to me, it's like it's like it gets us to me, just like desperation, which I'm not.
Speaker 1:Yes, that is El Desperado. What's the weirdest thing that you've done? But you pretend you pretended that you were fine after a breakup.
Speaker 2:Um, I don't know. Um, I don't feel like I've done anything. That was like weird after. I feel like I just kind of cruise through my day. Yeah, I was trying to think.
Speaker 2:Maybe like after me and an ex broke up Because, like my ex before him, we broke up and then like stayed friends for a long time. It was always hard for me because I always still had feelings for him, but it just wasn't something that was working out. So then he would still invite me to things with his friends. So then I'd be like hanging out with all of them, just like as one of the boys, like hey, like we're buddies. But then I'm like dying inside. But you're still in there with him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, exactly that is that's like a way of like I thought I'd feel better, but it just made me feel worse, I guess. Or letting him tell me about the new girls that he's like hooking up with. Go tap that ass. Yeah, go tap that ass. I didn't say that Like letting him think I was over it and I wanted to know about his new sex life with other women. I'm such a cool girl. I'm not like those other girls, I'm a cool girl. I'm a cool girl.
Speaker 1:I'm like what have I done? I guess like, maybe something like I pretended that like I was fine is like um, in in my past relationships they were really controlling about you know, like how much alcohol I drank or like whatever. It was just a very weird time in my life and, uh, when I broke up with my boyfriend at one point I went out and like I swear to you, I partied as if I was like 18 years old.
Speaker 1:I was like I'm fine, I'm good, I'm better. I thought I died the next day and I was like OK, vanessa, you are not 18 anymore, you can't just bounce back like this who are you thinking and then like that, like hangover, while you're actually sad, to like those emotions that come hungover and like that like hangover, while you're actually sad too, like those emotions that come hungover oh it's the worst, are so bad, but you know the only thing that can fix that what? Mcdonald's.
Speaker 2:Oh, I thought you were going to say run it back, hair of the dog. No, let's go.
Speaker 1:McDonald's feel better, Mimosa. Ibuprofen mimosa and keep it going, and keep it going until you, till you die, that is our word of advice? Ooh, I have a good one. What is a way that you balance your grief with online presence? Because you know, both of us do have an online presence, and that is. I mean you just said you don't really post your relationship. I mean I do. Sorry, I keep hitting the mic.
Speaker 2:If you're listening and not watching, you keep hearing this noise. I know.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:It's because Vanessa and I talk with our hands and we keep hitting the mics and they're sensitive, we must be Italian. Maybe there's somewhere deep, deep, deep in there. Yes, we must be?
Speaker 1:What was the question I forgot?
Speaker 2:Just how to balance our grief with online persona.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because it is funny. You see, especially celebrity couples, when they split, they'll do a whole post Like just wanted to announce that we were no longer together, which I think is just stupid, I don't know. But like I do keep my personal life so private, so that way, like I'm not going to post on Instagram Like I'm single again, yeah, I had a boyfriend do a whole thing on Facebook.
Speaker 1:This is when, like Facebook was still like really big and did a whole thing saying like please respect our privacy and I'm like who do you think we are Beyonce and Jay-Z? I'm like what Please respect our privacy.
Speaker 2:My girlfriends and I were dying To my 30 followers. Yeah, I was like what is?
Speaker 1:it was literally. Please respect our privacy. This is a hard time. You didn't tell him he was doing this. No, no, no, no, no, no. After I broke up with him.
Speaker 2:I never spoke to him ever again.
Speaker 1:I still, this day, I've never spoken to him, and I was just like, honestly like, but it was just so cringe that it was so funny. It was one of those moments where I was in such a weird headspace, Um, but that shit just made me laugh so hard. I was like this is why I'm no longer with you. It probably helped you, like get over it even more, oh yeah. Because you're like why would I want to be with this person? Absolutely, that is a major itch.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, which we'll talk about too in a minute. Okay, well, now that I'm back in the streets, I'm back in these streets, which and like I don't want to go back to the same situation where I'm not ready for something and then, but I do know, before I moved to, but no, sorry, before this relationship, when I was living here in LA, I had some of the worst dating experiences in the world. That made me I think it's why this guy was so appealing to me, because he was like oh, like breath of fresh air. I literally had this guy. I wasn't. You know, he's a cool guy. We, we had gone and like we went on it. Well, he had asked me out and we, but then he canceled the first two times because of work, and I'm like, okay, and then no, the first time I wouldn't have given a third one the first time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was going to say one is fine, yes, Then we go to dinner.
Speaker 2:We go to Soho house Like I was a member at he was not, so I think I was just trying to flex a little bit and then we go to the have dinner and then the bill comes and I'm like, oh, like I'll pay, or I'll pay or whatever, and he just let me put my card down. I paid for the whole like $300 dinner. Ok, then I was like for some reason like I was, just like you know what, whatever it's, whatever I'm like next time.
Speaker 1:You gave him another chance after that. Okay, so he was really hot. What is wrong with us?
Speaker 2:And then he. So he dropped off at my house and that was it. I didn't let him come upstairs or anything.
Speaker 1:Thank goodness yeah.
Speaker 2:He wanted to hang out again, so we did make another date. But he's like this time I'm taking care of you, blah, blah, blah blah. I was excited. So I was like, coming back from work, like, like, so I already picked out my outfit, like I was ready, and he sends me this voice note and it was like oh hey, hey, babe, like I'm so I've been sick, I'm so sick, like I'm not gonna make it tonight.
Speaker 1:I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I was like you know what, not the car I didn't even like, I was okay, whatever like it happened.
Speaker 2:So I was like, hey, like listen, I'm so sorry, I feel better, like if you need anything, I can make a great soup, whatever. If not, just let me know We'll reschedule. My friends were in town. I'm like, hey, I'm free now, let's go get some drinks at Soho House. It's like so no, who I had a date with, who was so sick that he couldn't go on the date. He's literally sitting there and he looks at me and I could tell he was like and I just winked at him go and I was with my gay friend who's very straight, presenting and I was like, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, and so we love the gaze.
Speaker 2:So he's like don't make me do that again. And then that was it. And then, yeah, I was like but that is so dating in LA, I feel like. So I'm terrified to get back out there and deal with, like these doorknobs, and the word of Gordon Ramsay like that.
Speaker 1:Oh, that is horrific.
Speaker 2:Like one of the odds that if all the places in LA decided to go party, you went back to the scene of the crime A where we had our first date Right, not even thinking that maybe I would be there, since you can't set our date.
Speaker 1:Wait, but can I ask you what was the timeline? Like you guys went on a date and then when were you guys supposed to go on this date? It was like within a week.
Speaker 2:That's crazy. And like he started DMing me a lot like feel like, liked all my stuff and like I'll never. He even said, like I'll never disrespect you again. I'd never do that to you again.
Speaker 1:I was like OK, you're like, yeah, you're never going to do it to me again. You never seen me again. What's the saying?
Speaker 2:Like when someone shows you who they are. Believe them, bro. I believe you.
Speaker 1:I see you and he.
Speaker 2:Okay, that's a big red flag. Okay, that's a huge red flag. That's the top of the red flag. But what is like a green flag for you on a date? I mean, I think, someone who asks questions and doesn't just talk about themselves the whole time, I think that's actually a big one, because it is hard to find people out here who don't just sit there and talk about themselves the whole time.
Speaker 1:Yes, and when they ask about you and you're talking, they're just like not really listening to you. They're just kind of like waiting for you to stop talk so that they can stop talking. You guys.
Speaker 1:I need a speech therapist. It's like TikTok. But it's called TikTok, yes, and that is like so obnoxious because you can always tell in their eyes that they're just, they're waiting for you to finish so they can like say something again, probably about themselves. Yes, um, you know what's funny a green flag for me is when I my boyfriend, does this now, so it's like he's still a huge green flag that I love. But like going on, like past dates or whatever, if I go to the restaurant and they order for us, like the table, like just that's a really sexy move, I love that. And until this day, like with me and my boyfriend, most of the time, I'm like do you just want to order like some stuff, you know? And he's like yeah, and then I just close the menu and I push it aside and I say I'll have an espresso martini with Casamigos Repo please. Actually, we don't really do casamigos anywhere, don julio such a green flag.
Speaker 2:I do love that because I think you probably were like this too at some point where, like you're, you were always used to one. It's kind of having to like be like the one in control, or like you know, or like making decisions, making decisions, and it's so nice to like, as a decision maker, to not have to anymore, unless he's like she'll have a salad and then I'll have, like I mean that's never happened to me before.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was going to be like, I'd be like no, no, no, you're having the salad. You're having the salad.
Speaker 2:I'll have the ribeye and super sexy green flag.
Speaker 1:Right, I love that. Take control baby Guys take notes.
Speaker 2:There's probably going to get a better chance. You're going to get lucky at the end of the night, yes for sure. Also, never let a woman pay on the first date or even the like. I mean, listen, I'm all about equal opportunity here and I think at some point in a relationship it's cool to go Dutch or like. Maybe the girl picks up the tab when you're like in a relationship but like in a dating phase, maybe it's old school or whatever, but I think the man you need to pick up that damn check At least the first time, I mean especially the first time. I'd say, like until until like the I think the third or fourth date, maybe after sex, happens.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. So something needs to happen. I feel like before, like splitting the check, I mean you went we're the prize over here, not you.
Speaker 2:Okay, you're the one who's gonna have to go home and use your hand and go to sleep.
Speaker 1:Or you can maybe have a pretty girl in your bed.
Speaker 2:I don't know, but you're paying for this and you're choosing.
Speaker 1:You choose when, when, when that bill comes, you're making the choice for yourself. You're making it for yourself.
Speaker 2:It sounds a little like prostitution, but it's not what I'm saying here, Just saying your shot goes up. Oh my gosh, that's so funny. Okay, so yeah. So ics, you wanted to talk about ics. I get, it is a real. It is a real thing. The ic is so icky.
Speaker 1:And you can't.
Speaker 2:once you get the ic, you can't get rid of the ic and I try hard to not be so like ic judgmental or like aggressive. Like yeah, but judgmental. Or like aggressive, like yeah but yeah, but it's hard not to yeah like I can't any sorry, men posting sexy photos in the mirror.
Speaker 1:You can't do it, that's done ick, that is, that's a, yeah, that's an. It's very icky. Um, I think this is the example I'm gonna give, because give, because this is what happened to me. But slurping in any meal, like the example I'm going to give, is cereal and it was like, and holding the spoon like this, like a caveman.
Speaker 1:And it was like and I'm like what, yeah, what, yeah, no, I didn't even touch my food. I was like, so grossed out, I'm just ew, I still think about it. It makes my stomach sick like it's gross, but just slurping your food or smacking yeah, can't.
Speaker 2:My ex was a smacker when we first started dating and gets it from his family. They're all like that, no, and I was like I can't finish my meal here and like I am definitely not going to have sex with you because I cannot. I mean he quickly stopped doing it, but like I could not stand it.
Speaker 1:Thank goodness, at least he stopped doing it. He stopped doing it. Maybe he wasn wasn't aware.
Speaker 2:I grew up with a family whose table manners was everything Like there was no smacking, no slurping. We had to eat pizza with a knife and a fork kind of family Like it was like etiquette was everything Yep so.
Speaker 1:I think. Okay, one more X. I just you made me think about it. Wearing flip-flops doesn't have to be investary flip-flops, but it usually happens with flip-flops and people dragging their feet on the floor when they walk in their flip-flops or their sneakers. I don't know if I've noticed this one, just like just dragging, no, no, it's like, instead of picking it all the way up, they kind of like Like, kind of shuffle, they kind of pick it up and then the heel drags on the floor, drags on the floor drags on and you're just like oh my God, pick up your feet.
Speaker 2:Like literally pick up your feet Like it's so, oh God, now I'm nervous for a flip-flop around you. Okay, I'll be more mindful of this now. No, I've never heard you do that, and don't get me wrong.
Speaker 1:If you're tired or like your slippers are in the house, you want to just kind of, like you know, slide your feet or whatever. That's one thing, but not no amusement parks, Like when I go with my sister, or like Disneyland or whatever, and you just see so many different people around and I hear it and that people are just like I'm, like you are ruining the bottom of your shoes.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's. That's such an ick for me. It's like nails on a chalkboard I'm like.
Speaker 2:Well, at least we know that your boyfriend now doesn't slurp and he doesn't drag his feet so no, good job he picks up them feet.
Speaker 2:Um, what's a dating mistake that we wouldn't use again? Make again a dating mistake, like for me? I think I've learned my lesson with my last two serious boyfriends. If they say they want, if being a father and being a husband is number one on their list, I probably shouldn't date them, because I don't know if I have those same things. So I feel, instead of getting a year and a half plus in with somebody and then realizing it and then the pain is so much harder and then you waste people's time. So we're getting older.
Speaker 1:So people's timelines are. I think that's a mistake. I'm not going to make it again. I think a mistake for me probably that I would never do, is not to allow someone to not let me make my own choices. And a lot of times I didn't realize it was happening because they're so good at like manipulation. So then I would turn into this person where I didn't really have a mind, I didn't really have a choice, I didn't really have a brain, almost with them because whatever they said was right, yeah, whatever they said goes, because if I didn't agree with that it would be a huge fight, mostly just like our arguments.
Speaker 1:But like I have been in physical like altercations over the dumbest things before too, where you're like, wait what? I allowed somebody to do that to me, like I allowed you to literally grab me by my shoulders and throw me on a floor, like that's crazy, that's crazy. And I stayed. I was still with this person probably a year after, because in my mind I always want to see the good in people and I love that about me. It's. But it's a blessing and a curse because I do give people a lot of chances and I think as I get older it is something I'm not giving. I'm not giving too many chances anymore. Like you said, you show your true colors and like it's our job to believe it, and if you don't want to believe it, then that's fine, but like you know it, you feel it. In here, we all feel what we're actually feeling you know, so yeah, oh, that's interesting.
Speaker 1:I've never I haven't like thought about that, yeah the other thing yeah yeah, just yeah.
Speaker 2:Relationships are so tricky they are and I feel like I'm so relationship like dumb because, again, I just haven't done them like at 34. This is as far as serious relationships go. This is probably my second one. I'm not counting high school. There was the guy I got engaged to 10 years ago and then, and then this guy and I was like there's a guy between those two, but we were never like like super serious. So, yeah, I just don't know. I'm learning. It's like I'm like I'm like an infant, like learning how to date again, yeah, and you will.
Speaker 1:Though, like, when you find somebody that takes your anxiety down rather than, like, is always bringing it back up, then you'll be able to know that, okay, I want to, yeah, see what this is about you it back up. Then you'll be able to know that, okay, I want to see what this is about. You know, you'll feel it. You'll know Now, now you've been into serious relationships where you've been able to have examples of what you don't want. And look, when we are older, the best thing about getting older is that we just know, like you're just gonna know in the next one. I mean, I hope that my boyfriend and I are like, he is my person. Like, again, you never know. Right, life can throw curveballs, but I do feel like I found somebody that's like my truly my best friend. We laugh so hard together, we.
Speaker 1:He lets me cry, he lets me be a brat sometimes and just like lets me be and doesn't like try and start a fight about it. You know, and it's like I feel very comfortable in my own skin and who I am- he just lets you be you. And he loves that about you. Yeah.
Speaker 2:He doesn't like. Even I brought up Ozzy Osbourne, I think in the last episode, because I've just been going down this rabbit hole with him because he just had a farewell concert, but with him, with Sharon Osbourne, and I don't feel there's nothing. I feel Ozzy Osbourne had to be the hardest person to stay with yes and um, but like I mean with all the drugs and alcohol, and he tried to kill her once and like he literally was cheating on her like non-stop and like no matter. She's always stayed by his side and I'm like she's always allowed Ozzy to be Ozzy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, speaking of Ozzy speakingzy Speaking of Ozzy Hi Ozzy, I always allowed him to be himself.
Speaker 2:I'm like that is like, that is, that is a, that's the kind of love.
Speaker 1:Like.
Speaker 2:I know I'm not easy to love, I know I have a lot of flaws and like I'm very bullheaded and I you know I don't want to change anything about myself and although there are probably some things I should grow with, but like and you'll know, you'll figure that out.
Speaker 1:When you're in a relationship that feels aligned to you, you will say okay, because let's figure this out together. You know, instead of you have to mold only one way you know like you're supposed to be molding together, like there's there's things that both my boyfriend and I don't we're not the same in at all, you know.
Speaker 1:It's like, I mean like my time management we've talked about this is, you know, like he gets ready in 10 minutes and I'm like, no, no, no, I need like two hours, and not that I do crazy things with my makeup and my hair, but it's like I'm a girl and I just take your time. Yeah, I need to take my time Meanwhile, he's ready. You know, at one one 55, he's like kind of pacing. We were making a joke Like he kind of like just like walks around the house.
Speaker 2:He's like ready.
Speaker 1:I'm like can you just go sit on the couch, I'll be ready.
Speaker 2:I swear Causing panic over here.
Speaker 1:I swear, but yeah, you'll know, and you'll know, and you'll want to make those. What's the word I'm looking for? Compromise, yes, we're all supposed to be compromising, but as long as you're not compromising who you truly are. Other than that, there are so many things that we we even compromise as a friendship, you know, like there's so many things that we're learning about each other every time we hang out, and that's the same same goes for a relationship with, like a, a romantic partner you know well.
Speaker 2:Anyway, thanks everyone for listening to me talk about my shit, but that's enough feelings for today. Oh wait, no, it's not, because now you have this quote you want to talk about. Yes, yes, I'll let you take this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, let's talk about this quote. I use Insight Timer, which is an app, and I use that for my meditations. I sometimes sleep and you do sleep meditations as well, not just like rain, but actual like sleep meditations, which is really cool. I mean, you never make it past five minutes of the meditation, but it's on when you're asleep still. But this was the quote that came today during my meditation and it says think big thoughts, but relish small pleasures. So let's break that down. Okay, what is a small pleasure? You underestimated until recently.
Speaker 2:Just alone, being alone, alone time. I guess I never underestimated it, but I feel like I just haven't had a lot of it. And so, as much as I've been mourning this breakup and been really sad and really miss him, miss the dog, I also have really just enjoyed just like being alone, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:I love that. I love being alone. It's so crazy.
Speaker 2:I wonder if it's a Gemini thing.
Speaker 1:But no, I think a lot of people love their alone time. I think I have underestimated like sleep. You know, I've never been like a napper, but I nap a lot more these days. And I realized I mean I know how important it is, but I realized for me, wow, those naps, even if it's like in the middle of the day, or even like brunch nap or whatever power nap, like 20 minute nap even, I'm like, oh wow, that makes a whole difference you know, I think, sleep I love, sleep I love sleep it's like I literally like I'm like sitting in my living room, just like watching this the sun to set, set, set.
Speaker 2:I love sleep. It's like I literally like I'm like sitting in my living room, just like watching this the sun to set set, set set.
Speaker 1:Bedtime eight o'clock. We are in bed. Don't text Kayla at 8.01 because her phone is on, do not disturb. And I'm pushing the button like send anyway, send anyway, send anyway.
Speaker 2:Meanwhile, I'm like texting her at 5.45 am. Like, what do you think about this for today's post? So we're on completely different schedules. No, I'm not going to hear from her for five hours, but that's okay.
Speaker 1:No, yeah, but there's yeah. The best sleep is like when you come back from being out of the country and then you give yourself that day and you're just dead the whole day and I can sleep like there's been days where I've slept like 18 hours Really and I shock myself, but I feel so much better. So I'm like whatever, it's so nice, it's fine.
Speaker 2:You know, it's fine. I could never be a vampire. Yeah, because I don't sleep. I mean, I'd be a vampire. Vampires, if you're out there, come bite me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was going to say I think we both could be vampires Like the.
Speaker 2:Cullen kind or like the true blood kind.
Speaker 1:Yes, like the really sexy vampires.
Speaker 2:Yes, like the cool kind. The cool kind Not the ones that are like.
Speaker 1:I am legend.
Speaker 2:It's like the cool goth like vampire yeah, you're very strong and super rich and have a rocking body. That's a tangent. We'll talk about vampires in another episode. All right, how do you balance ambition with contentment? What I've been dealing with lately because I think I was talking about this the other day about how my identity is so wrapped up into my career and what I do, and I've already. I've done a lot so far, but I feel like it's still never enough. I'm never content and I'm like even thinking about, like now, this transition. Should I start doing more content like, or more like work behind the camera, or like a smaller scale, or it's just like. It's hard to find that like, like when will I be content? Or will I like climb the ranks and end up on, and end up on a giant show on television and then still not be content? Right, so it's it's hard to kind of figure that one out yeah it's.
Speaker 1:It's sort of that feeling of being grateful every day, even though you may not have all the things you want, but there are things that we can be grateful for every fricking day you know, that we have.
Speaker 1:Like we've said before, we have two legs. We can get out of bed without any problem. Um, you know, we have beautiful roofs over our heads, both of us, which is so hard in this city. I mean anywhere in the US, but like here specifically. But yeah, it's funny that you say that, because whenever someone asks me a question, I do always, even if it's how are you doing? I'm like, oh yeah, it's like well, work is. You know? I always use work first instead of. You've even caught me sometimes where you ask me a question, I talk about work and you say, yeah, but take work out. Would 13-year-old Vanessa want to hang out with you without this? And I'm like, yeah, she would. Like I am really cool, I really do love the person that I'm becoming, and you're training me to not always put work is work. Vanessa equals what she does for a living.
Speaker 2:I'm the same way, though it's so hard, because that's something that we've fought for for so long.
Speaker 1:It is our identity, and it's because we love it so much. You know, it's like my, I feel like my job.
Speaker 2:what we do, like you said, is our identity, Because it's different than like someone working at the office crunching numbers or they're not going to be like oh yeah, like, how are you? Well, today I balanced three you know budgets when I I had booked a Buick commercial that was national.
Speaker 1:It ran for three years. It changed my life. It was so much fun. Um, there was four versions of me in one car. It was such a great commercial to, to, to do, Um. But obviously you know it was playing all over, all over. So my niece always saw it like when their commercials would come on or whatever. And one time she asked me like auntie Nessa, when am I gonna see you on tv again? And it just, why did that hurt me so much, even though she's not doing it maliciously?
Speaker 1:the question you ask yourself probably every single day.
Speaker 2:She's like, like excited.
Speaker 1:She's like when am I seeing you on TV again? And I'm like and even this, our podcast. She watches it sometimes too and knows about it, you know, and the appropriate things that she can listen to, obviously, my sister. Uh-oh yeah, my sister and brother-in-law, you know they'll let her watch some clips, I'm sure.
Speaker 1:But even now she's so excited about this for us. She goes to school and her teachers know about milk and honey, you know. So it's like it's, and we carved that path for us, for her. You know what I mean. It's very strange. But yeah, I remember her asking me that and I kind of got sad about it. Yeah, I remember her asking me that and I kind of got sad about it. I remember bringing it up to my mom and I said dang, how did a nine-year-old just make me feel that?
Speaker 1:right now you know, and I know she wasn't doing it- she wasn't doing it out of spite, or mean at all, but yeah, so it's realizing that there's so many more beautiful things in the world than just your career. Yes, you know, and also it's like you know, we have big thoughts, we have big vision, big energy, all these things. But those little pieces are the ones like for you in this breakup. Those little pieces of gratitude are going to help reform and reshape that mold for you. That's just going to make you a better version of yourself. One can hope she's always pessimistic. Do you see what I have to deal?
Speaker 2:with. Alright, I think before we go, we do bring back. We introduced it last week. I think we do a honey jar.
Speaker 1:Do you want to go first? Did you like that Honey jar? No, no, it didn't happen that part. I think that's going to be. I think I'm going to bring back my singing career. She should, she can sing everybody. No, she can she can sing.
Speaker 2:All right, this is our honey jar. There's not actually honey in it?
Speaker 1:Well, that would be messy.
Speaker 2:Could you imagine just like all right, this one. I think this is a repeat one. Yeah, oh, is it Okay?
Speaker 1:I think I forgot to take them out. We have to remember to take them out here. You want to go first? Sure, I get so nervous.
Speaker 2:I don't know what to say. I don't know these questions.
Speaker 1:you know, oh, you're given $10,000 but have to blow it stupidly in 24 hours. What do you do? God, that's easy.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, I probably would rent the biggest yacht that we could and, Marina Del Rey, get all of my friends stock it with, like a food booze, a DJ I think that's 10 grand right there.
Speaker 1:That's 10 grand, and I agree with her. I agree with her, and then afterwards we would still have a little bit left over for some reason, and we would just do a twirl and we ho, because that's what we do Exactly.
Speaker 2:Well, we get. We get the table and bottle service. We would like do the upper.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was an easy one.
Speaker 2:That was fun, that was too easy.
Speaker 1:Also like Universe. Did you hear that? Yeah? Because, this is what we want, okay.
Speaker 2:If there happens to be a random sack sitting outside as we walk to our car full of money, we would appreciate it.
Speaker 1:We'll take it. We'll take it. We will take it. We'll look and see if it belongs anywhere. First because we're respectful, but I'm taking that no Finders keepers.
Speaker 2:We've known that since we were kids Losers weepers Okay. Who's the last person you muted and why I will say here's something I did do.
Speaker 1:I'm going to sit for that one.
Speaker 2:So when I left my job because I muted everybody, like most people I worked with, because it was hard for me to like see it, like a lot of them probably think I'm like mad at them because I don't ever like or interact with their stories. But like it's too hard for me to see like the person who's now doing my job.
Speaker 1:Although I love her.
Speaker 2:But like that's probably like the last people I've actually muted, yeah, that I that I will say on camera there's been some I'll.
Speaker 1:I'll always like mute somebody If, if I feel like their stories are like draining, yeah, I'll always mute. Yeah, cause I don't want to see that like I like when people put like you know, um, I love when people put like quotes and all the things like, but not when they're like, but when it's when it's a little intense. I just it makes me like feel sad for them too, because, like I, I'm just like damn why.
Speaker 2:You know, if you, you have a social media to post how you're feeling in a negative way. I feel like that's just not the place for it. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:But I mean, anyone can post whatever they want. I'm just saying it's just yeah, I guess like that.
Speaker 2:Sometimes I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, someone's seeing it and like you're having a good day and then you come across their post and it's like, oh well, that just ruined my mood, yeah.
Speaker 1:No need for that. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, all right. Well, there you go. It's not another episode of milk and honey. This one was fun and it let me get a little vulnerable and I did a couple of breaths earlier.
Speaker 1:So I appreciate you sharing that. Of course, we know that that's hard and um, I hope that you can like feel everyone I'm sure will be giving you lots of positive energy towards, thank you, this new chapter that you get to start and, uh, you guys, you know, you already know what I'm gonna say I just feel her staring at me.
Speaker 2:I can't wait. I'm gonna do a compilation video after like a few more episodes. Put all these together.
Speaker 1:let me see what can I. How can I end it like a little differently? Okay, don't forget, if you ever need a good cup of tea, you got the right ingredients right here. Oh, I like that one that was so smooth.
Speaker 2:That was smooth. Oh my God, I don't know.
Speaker 1:I don't know. Oh my God, she's getting comfortable behind the mic, careful.
Speaker 2:Thanks all of you for watching, as always.
Speaker 1:See you next time. Yes, bye, bye.
