Milk & Honeys
Milk & Honeys" is the perfect blend of raw industry insights and unfiltered realness. Like the ingredients that sweeten and smooth out a cup of tea, hosts Kayla Becker (TV host of 10 years) and Vanessa Curry (model and actress of 10 years) bring their own flavors to the conversation— Together, they spill the tea on what it really takes to live and thrive in LA’s entertainment scene.
So, grab a mug and sip on some Milk & Honeys—because we’re serving the tea with all the right ingredients.
Milk & Honeys
Episode 24: We’re Tired, Tender, and on Our Periods w/ Kayla Becker and Vanessa Curry
It’s a boundary-building kind of week. Kayla and Vanessa open up about learning when to close a chapter — whether it’s a relationship, a job, or just an era that’s past its expiration date. They dig into the blurred line between empowerment and exposure in the OnlyFans era (and debate whether selling feet pics is really that deep), then get honest about social anxiety in a world that never stops watching. It’s funny, raw, and way too relatable — for anyone trying to balance self-worth, self-care, and screen time.
All right, everyone. Welcome back to the show. Today's episode is a little more personal. We're talking about loss, not just the kind that only comes from death, but the kind that reshapes our world. Today I am going to be opening up about losing my dad. And uh we are your hosts. I'm Vanessa Curry and the lovely I'm Kayla Becker.
SPEAKER_04:Um and yeah, we're talking about loss, but not only just through death. Um I'm going to talk about what it felt like to suddenly lose my mom. Again, not to death, but to the prison system.
SPEAKER_01:So And you know, this isn't just a sad girl episode. Um, it's it's about grief, growth, and everything no one really teaches us about letting go.
SPEAKER_04:So hopefully something that we talk about today resonates with you um in some way, because I think no matter what the kind of loss, everybody knows what that feels like. Um so the way we're gonna do this episode is um I'm gonna start out and kind of interviewing Vanessa here um and letting her share her story. And then she's gonna do the same for me after that. So bear with us. Again, this could be a little hard stuff to talk about, but uh one of the first times that you and I got together in your kitchen, you and I really opened up about these parts of our lives. And I think that was one of those defining moments of like our friendship, and just when you meet people who understand like the gravity of those emotions and feelings and experiences, like it means a lot and goes a long way. So I appreciate you opening up on the show. Sam, you too.
SPEAKER_01:I'm proud of us because, like, like like you said, we this was one of the first conversations we kind of had as a friendship, I think, that was uh had a lot of depth to it. And it's taken us uh 14 episodes to let you guys in on it because it is vulnerable and it's deep and it could be dark, but also I think the good thing is that both of us have been able to navigate the experiences that we've been through. So yeah, yeah. All right, you're ready. I'm nervous.
SPEAKER_03:I know. I'm like, I just got hot. Me too. I should not have put a sweater.
SPEAKER_01:I was like, maybe this will be like my comfort sweater, but now I'm sweating.
SPEAKER_04:Um okay. Well, we'll go ahead and get things off, kick things off. Uh so you know, the loss of your dad. Um, can you take us back to the day or the moment that it hit you that, you know, your dad was gone, um, not just physically and emotionally, but permanently he was gone.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. So my dad passed away in 09. It was super sudden. It was um a ruptured aorta. So it's kind of as if the doctors told us the London Bridge collapsing, and there's no real way to fix that right away. Um, so it was a very, very sudden loss. Um, I happened to be in New York at the time. I was like living my dream life at the time. I was dancing for uh Leighton Meester, a good friend of mine, a dear, dear friend, and she was doing pop music. And so I was not even in Los Angeles at the time. I was in New York when it happened. Um so it definitely didn't feel real then, even. I couldn't really process. I think I just had emotions, and then you just kind of feel empty. Um, and not until I got home, which was I think maybe two days after I was able to hop on a flight and go home and walking into the house and just not having him there. Cause he he was retired, so he was always home, you know. Um, you could already feel there's just a cold breeze that was going in there, and it was very weird. And my mom is how she processed things is she needs to get rid of everything right away. So she already had gone through even like the next day, like the closet to just kind of clear stuff out. Cause for her, it's that's I think part of her healing process. Um, so yeah, so just going into their bedroom and sitting in the closet kind of half empty was weird. Yeah. Just strange.
SPEAKER_04:What was he? I'm I'm so sad I was never able to meet the man who had a hand and raising you because you've me too. Turned out so incredible. I know. Thank you. He's so proud of you. But what was what was he like?
SPEAKER_01:He was so quiet, which is funny because my my mom jokes about my boyfriend now, like he's just like very quiet, and I am the loud one, obviously. So it's it's funny because he my boyfriend now does sort of resemble my dad in in some ways. Um, there's like a an interesting parallel there. Um, but he was so kind and very reserved, um, very easygoing. He never really raised his voice unless he was watching ESPN or Bill O'Reilly, because like that's what he watched on television. Um, he's like screaming at the news or like screaming at sports or something. But other than that, he was always the guy that was just like sitting at the table with his screwdriver in hand and just absorbing uh, or I'm sorry, not absorbing, analyzing just what's going on in the room. Where it's funny because some people would always ask him, Are you having a good time? Like, is he okay? And he'd always be like, Yeah, no, I'm just here, like listen, listen to the conversation. Um, so yeah, so he was just like fun too. You know, he did sports with us, he took us bike riding, um he was a provider. He was just a really kind and great person.
SPEAKER_04:Well, a lot of the traits you just mentioned are opposite of you, like you said, quiet versus loud.
SPEAKER_01:What do you think you did take any part of him, like in your personality or even yeah, I I think um I definitely took his kindness and always wanting to help, you know, he adopted two of my cousins, three of my cousins actually on my mom's side total, you know, and those were not not his, those were not his kids, they were not his bloodline, but they knew that this is what needed to be done in order to make sure that these kids have a good life. And that to me is very difficult and very hard. And um I think I took that from him. Also, he would never yell at me. He would always sit me down and say, What's going on? Let's talk about this. And I think I got that from him being able to communicate, communicate because he really was so quiet. But in those moments, my mom would kind of give me silent treatment and I would have to come to her and you know, be like, Hey, I'm sorry, like, let's talk. But my dad would come to me. Oh, that's great. So I think that's where I do get I my I try to see things from all different sides and try to have a conversation with somebody. And um yeah. So I hope that's what I took from him. I hope people feel that way about me that way. I do try to be that person. So I think that's what he gave me. And and his love for Halloween, because he was obsessed with Halloween was his favorite holiday. He would always dress up and he was just like, he'd be so happy in his costume. Oh my gosh, we would have loved each other. That part too. Yes.
SPEAKER_04:Yes. Oh, well, you know, grief is it's a it's a funny thing, and everyone grieves differently. And then people on the other side of grief who are trying to comfort those grieving, sometimes they don't know what to do, and sometimes they do things that can make it worse, make it better. Well, you know, what are some you know, things that you wish people had done or not done while you were dealing with the loss of your dad?
SPEAKER_01:I think I had such a great troupe around me and my family that I don't really think anybody did anything that I was upset about. I I will say this: I going to the funeral, because I was coming from New York, I did not have really like things to wear for a funeral. I just kind of like grabbed what I had with me at the time. And um, like I'm not gonna go shopping for the funeral. You know what I mean? There's way more important things to deal with. So I had a little black dress, I put like black tights within. I remember I had these like pink and black, you know, little heel, like uh Mary Jane shoes. And um one of my sister's friends met said something about my outfit, and I almost lost it on her. Like, said something negative? Like something negative. I don't necessarily remember what it was, but she said something about my outfit, and I wanted to be like, bitch, are you seriously talking to me about my outfit right now? And I'll never forget. This was at the funeral. She would have been quickly excused from the funeral. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm just like, I again, I removed myself from that situation. I did not say anything to her. I just kind of looked at her and I remember what kind of yeah. So that never talk about someone's outfit at a funeral. Okay. Unless it's just like you look beautiful. Right. Right. No, it was not that. I I remember but thank you. But I I will say one of the things my best friend was uh sleeping with me uh for a couple days, like after where she stayed with me and like slept with me at my room. And I remember this was maybe a week or two after the fact, she had told me that my dad came into the dream of her dream when she was asleep that night of the funeral. Oh, wow. And to tell me that he was okay. And she was so scared to tell me because she didn't want to like hurt my feelings. She didn't know if I was there yet to be able to process that information. And so for her, she kept that from me for you know, a little while. And I wish she would have just told me, but it's not it's that's that's nothing against her. You know, she was trying to protect me and she didn't want to hurt my feelings and again like trigger anything because I was very, very, I mean, you know, I was 19 at the time, I was like very young. Um so yeah. So I I don't think like anything anybody did anything wrong necessarily. And again, people go through grief differently. So I I don't think there's a right way to tell somebody I'm sorry for your loss. Of course, yeah. Um but yeah, I mean like there are things I feel like that people can say that should never be said in a time of grief.
SPEAKER_04:Like commenting on someone's outfit. That's still wild to me. Yes. Um, so you have your sister and you guys are close. And um, like I said, you were young. Uh what's your sister, your age difference? Is she nine years? Okay, so she was quite a bit older than you were when that all happened. But at the same time, like being a woman, young woman, or you know, a little bit older, losing a father, that just really like affects you will throw your entire life for a loop because having a father is so important as a woman. Like, what even like, you know, imagining like your wedding day and stuff like that, like how is that kind of, you know, how have you processed realizing that he won't be there for some of these huge moments in your life?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, no, that has been the hardest part. I remember the first thing my sister said to me was, damn, he's not gonna be here for my wedding. You know, just going through that process and realizing this person is physically never going to be able to touch you ever again. To hold your hand, to give you a pat on the back, to give you a hug, to give you a kiss on the cheek, you know. Um, and that's been really hard. It's it's still till this day, it's hard for me to go to a wedding and see a father-daughter dance, see, see the bride get to walk down the aisle with her dad. It's it's always gonna be hard. Obviously, I still love watching it and it makes me so happy just that they get to experience that. Um, but yeah, I mean, I think it is something where I decided that like maybe a wedding wasn't really that big of a deal to me because he wasn't going to be there, which I know that's not the healthiest way to feel that way. But I that's just the truth. Not to say that I don't will never get married. Like I, I, I, I would, but I do remember I I had a very like stale taste in my mouth about that specific topic, you know, or just like, what if I get pregnant one day? He will never be there to be able to like hold my baby or just play with them or have go bike riding or dress them up for Halloween, you know, things like that. So um, yeah, it's it does change your perspective on certain big life events.
SPEAKER_04:When do you think, you know, how how long, I guess, did it take after he passed where you felt like you can kind of catch your breath? I mean, I imagine the first part of it you probably were grieving, crying every day.
SPEAKER_01:You know, how long did it take for you to be like, okay, you know, I don't think that ever goes away. It just spreads out. Yeah. So obviously the first I'd say year is I mean, little things can trigger anything, right? But um I do think now it just it's a little bit more space when I have those moments, but I still have those moments. Uh for his birthday, his birthday is September 13th, but he passed September 11th.
SPEAKER_02:Oh wow.
SPEAKER_01:So just having those big moments so close together, I think has always been really hard. You know, it's like we're celebrating his death, and then we're also trying to celebrate, you know, his his his life, and it's a tricky situation because you have so many emotions.
SPEAKER_04:How do you all how do y'all handle that?
SPEAKER_01:We I always have a screwdriver of vodka, vodka orange juice for him.
SPEAKER_04:I love that he was a screwdriver. Yes.
SPEAKER_01:He was a screwdriver man. So I always have a screwdriver for him. Um, and I uh either have, you know, my best friends come with me, or there's been a couple years where I went home and so I was with my family, and we would have like dinner together and just celebrate him, singing him happy birthday. Um But yeah, I I think also just allowing myself to cry because it is sad, you know? It's like I I lost him at such a pivotal life in my, I mean, a pivotal moment in my life that I could have used him. I don't think I would have been in uh certain relationships for that long if he was around. And I can't not blaming him, okay, dad, but like, you know, I want you a dad when a man's treating you poorly, yes, would have been that voice of reason like like a father would.
SPEAKER_04:And so I can imagine.
SPEAKER_01:Which is crazy because like my dad treated my mom like a freaking queen. Like he made her oatmeal in the morning and a piece of toast and would bring it to bed. Like, or not, I'm sorry, the oatmeal would be on the counter with the piece of bread and a little like you know, plastic bag. And then she would he'd bring her coffee to her every single morning. And, you know, just he cooked for us, he he did the dishes, you know, like he he was just he always wanted to to make things easier for her. So it is sad when I think back and I'm like, wow, these men were making things so much harder for me. And I almost forgot that. Oh, wait, no, this is not what I was raised with. Like, this is this is I I didn't even have an example. I'm like starting this example, my own trauma now, and it has nothing to do with like even where I came from because like my parents were super easygoing. They never really fought, they never really like yelled at each other. Um yeah, so it's just like it's one of those things he probably would have definitely like set his foot down and uh talked to me and said, Hey, look, what's going on? Yeah, you know, like and I just didn't have that. So that is that's something that like I do struggle with a lot thinking about the past.
SPEAKER_04:Well, and you know, for who's watching you make all of these these choices, and um, I don't think any would be considered mistakes, but like, you know, just learning and lessons and free seeing you now with, I mean, from what I know about your current boyfriend, he seems to be more on par with someone your dad would probably approve of. How do you think they would they would get along? I mean, oh my gosh, your boyfriend is so quiet. If your dad's quiet, I imagine them is sitting there watching ESPN, just like, huh? Yeah, see that?
SPEAKER_01:No, but see them watching ESPN together, they would get like probably riled up and they'd be like yelling and just clapping. And I know Ozzy would take him to you know the Niner game and put him on the field, and my dad would probably just be like elated, just to like eligible. Um, she was gonna go with it, but I was like, that doesn't sound right. Um, elated, you know, it's like, and I I I feel like they would be able just to chill with each other, though, too, and have a beer, you know what I mean? So um I it sucks. I wish that he could have met him. Um, and it is something that Ozzy and I have in common because he lost his dad a few years ago, too. So I never got to meet his father either. Um, so it is something we both talk about and grieve together sometimes. And I think we both have an understanding that the waves come whenever they want. You know, it's just I could be hiking and all of a sudden I'm crying because I miss him. But then I'm fine. I'll go get some coffee. And I'm like, okay, cool. Thanks for letting me shed a minute. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. Well, you mentioned um some traits that you took from him earlier, like your kindness and your wanting to give and talk to people and have, you know, conversations. What are some other like parts of him that live on in you?
SPEAKER_01:Probably his short temper. Do you have a short temper? Some I do, I don't with people, and he didn't with people, but he did with say technology. Oh, okay. Like my dad, when he uh retired, he loved to, which is like so illegal, but like he loved to burn DVDs. Oh, I was a big DVD burner. He would go to Blockbuster. And if you don't know what Blockbuster is, then you're Google. But he would go to Blockbuster, get every single movie that he loved or I loved, and he would burn it on a CD for me and then send it to LA. And because like that's what we watched. I love that. I had a whole deck of just like black DVDs, and my my roommates and I, we uh made little name tags so we knew which DVD was which. But yeah, he would go and get like black cases and put them in for us, but he would get so frustrated sometimes if something didn't work and be like, oh shit, like you know, like no. And I do that too. Like I get frustrated if something's not working right or my liner isn't like matching. I'm like, what the? I just want to like throw the pen at. I'm like, breathe. Like, dad. Yeah. So I definitely took his short temper when it came to if something's not like working out, but but he didn't have a short temper around people, which is very interesting because I I don't either, you know? So um yeah. I've yeah, his short temper. I'm sorry, Dad.
SPEAKER_04:That's understandable though. Understandable. Listen, those burning discs could have been, I did that in college and it was always an issue. Yeah. Um, if there was one thing that you could say to him, like right now, I'm sure you'd still talk to him, but there's something that you could say to him now, what would it be?
SPEAKER_01:Oh man, there's so many things uh that rushed to my mind. Um, but I would just, I just would want to hear him say I love you. And I'd want to say I love you. And then I just would want to hear him be like, hey, babe, because like that's how he talked. He always had this like southern swing. He's from Louisiana, like Baton Rouge, Louisiana, you know. So he would always just be like, Hey, babe, like how's it going, you know? And um yeah, it's like I I wish I had this uh voicemail that I wish I could have kept for so long because it has his voice on it. Um, but I still like I can replay it, you know? But um, but yeah, I just want to say I love you. That's all, just to hear those words, you know? Of course. But that's it. That's it. That's all I would love to hear. I was like, well, I'm sure he's saying it to you every day. And I hear him. I I'm I have such a great relationship with him, his spirit. Um, you know, anytime I see a white butterfly, uh, I I think of him, and um, I know it's him. I I was hiking the first weekend I got back from his funeral, and my friend and I were hiking, and this white butterfly was just following us on runyon the whole time. When we got to the very top, it's like the butterfly landed on my shoe. Like, what butterflies do that? Like, butterflies don't do that. They don't. I'm like, you're the one chasing them to like exactly. So um, you know, I just I'm anytime I see nature, and I think that's why I love being in nature so much, because I just I feel him so, so deeply. And um, and yeah, you know, so they're always with us. Um and that is one thing I I always want to tell people about grief. It's like let it out, cry it out. It's okay. And when you're ready for them to come in and show themselves to you, oh man, it's such a beautiful experience and it's so lovely and it's so nice. And of course, it's kind of scary because we're like, wait, but they're gone. Well, they're not gone, gone. They're just in a different realm, you know? They're just it's just a couple layers between us and them, you know? Um, so yeah, like once you're ready, if you've gone through a a loss like this, ask them to come in because they they will. They're waiting, but they're but they won't. I don't think spirit guides will come in unless you give them the green that they won't push their way in. They don't want to scare us. They, they just they're when when you're ready, they're they're ready. And I promise that. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Well, thank you for sharing. Yeah. Thanks for that's let me finish my makeup report.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I'm like, I haven't, um I didn't know I talk about him all the time and never cry. I don't know. Maybe it's just uh maybe he's well.
SPEAKER_02:He's listening right now.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, he's listening and he's like, okay, you know, no. Um, but you know, there there's losses that don't involve death, yeah. Um, but still feel like grieving. And you know, how about let's talk about what it felt like when you lost your mom because she went to prison. I know that that must have been a huge crazy moment in your life. I mean, I how how old were you? And what what did you feel in that moment? Did you even know what was going on in that moment?
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, so I was like nine. So years leading up to that, there was a lot of like issues in my in my um life. I was l I lived with my biological mom and my three siblings. There was simply always a different man in and out of the house because she was a serial dater. I think she was just trying to find a man to help provide because she couldn't provide for all of us by herself. So I I can understand. Um, and funny enough, when she had me, she had to go, she was in and out of jail then too. So she literally gave birth to me and had to hand me off to a friend to take care of me until she got out of prison then. So it's kind of always kind of been like that. But then she stayed out of jail pretty much until I was nine years old. And then, um, and I knew things were rough, but I thought, you know, we're a family, we're always gonna make it and get, you know, stay together. Never in my like my wildest dreams would I assume that we'd all be separated. And there was one day I was playing Nintendo 64 with my little sister for two years apart. We're just in our bedroom playing, and my mom comes and like just leans on the stair doorway and just looking at us, just kind of looking at us like this weird look on her face. And uh, she just stood there for a while. And I was like, mom, what's what's going on? And she just looks like right there, she goes, Y'all can't live with me anymore. And I was like, Okay, mom, like we're back to playing video games. She's like, No, I'm serious, like you can't live with me anymore. And I was like, I at that age, I'm like, what is she talking? Like, what? And then that's when I soon found out. We actually went to the living room and she popped in this VCR or this tape in the VCR, and it was like, This is where you're gonna live now. And it looked like a summer camp. I'm like, so I thought she was just telling us we're gonna go to summer camp for a few weeks. I wasn't even thinking like a foster. You had no idea. I had no idea what was happening. And then um, yeah, literally, like, I don't know how much longer it was after that. We I think that's when I went on my first airplane. Uh, we flew to Atlanta, Georgia. Me and my little sister and my mom, my two old other siblings were older, so they didn't, they were already aged out of foster foster care. And I still, I still at this point flying to Atlanta, I still wasn't completely sure it was happening. I didn't have a lot of belongings. I feel like I had trash bags full of stuff that I had like taken with me. And um we get to my grandmother's house who lives in Atlanta, and then the next day we drive to this big building, and it was like the biggest building I'd ever seen. And it was the head, the Chick-fil-A headquarters, funny enough. And I guess I had like this long-lost step-aunt who worked for the founder Chick-fil-A, Truet Kathy at the time. And Truet Kathy, for those who who don't know, has uh like 12 foster homes in the southeast of America where he like hires parents to be parents and then places children who need homes. So anyway, met these strange people, still wasn't registering me what was about to happen. I'm like, we're just meeting these people, whatever. And then the time came for us to load up in the car with these strangers. I didn't I didn't know their names. And I'm like, my mom is just crying. And I'm like, what's going on, mom? Like, what's happening? I just remember I was holding on to her. She goes, You have to go with them. You can't come back with me. I'm like, what are you talking about? Like, we're going back home. Like, what are you talking about? She's like, No, you have to go with them. And I remember, I think they were like peeling me and Erica like off, like just crying, because like we don't know what's happening. Like, what? Right. It's like it's just the only person, our only parent. And then we get put into this van, and it was like, literally, I can still see it to this day with like the van and everything. And like, we're like screaming, cry, crying, and like our hands are on the windows, like screaming for our mom. And as we just see her, like it's smaller and smaller in distance. And none of us had we still didn't know why.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:And so the only thing we thought at the time was like, are we never gonna see our mom again? And what did we do wrong? Because we just weren't given any explanation. And so it was literally that quick to where we were moved into this new home. Yeah, that had trash bags of like belongings, and then it was never told really what was going on or when I was gonna. I think I just assumed, oh, mom's gonna come pick me up in a few days. Of course. Just kept telling myself that every day. And then the day I realized I was never, I wasn't gonna see her again was my foster parents had pulled me and my little sister into their room and like, hey, we have a letter for you. And I'm like, oh my God, mom wrote us. Like, she wrote us. I was like, why is she writing us and not calling us? But okay. And so, like, we read the letter and I don't remember what it said, but I was like, okay, well, she's gonna come back and get us. And my foster parents, they started crying. They're like, You gotta turn the envelope over. And I was like, What? So we turned the envelope over, and there's a big prison stamp because that's what prisons do when they send out mail. And that's when they explained to us, your mom has gone away for a long time. You're not gonna get to see her anymore. And at that moment, I was like, it felt like my heart was ripped out. Like, what? Like, how does a girl, a little nine-year-old, process this? Like, I know I'm never gonna see my mom. I never thought I was saying goodbye to her. And then I'm like, I don't know how I'm saying goodbye to her.
SPEAKER_01:So yeah, that was I'm sorry that you had to go through that. That is never something a nine-year-old should go through. How old was your sister? She was six, so I'm trying to.
SPEAKER_04:So you're trying to be the older sister. So I was what? Like, even like growing up with my real mom, like she was never, she was never there because she was working so much or doing whatever. So I was kind of helping raise my little sister when I was little. Like, I would walk, we had to walk to school every day a mile each way. So I would walk her, get up, get her up, get her dressed, walk her a mile. The teachers knew that my mom was absent. So her teachers would come up to me to tell me her homework assignments when I was eight, nine years old. I would cook her breakfast. Like she was like, I took care of her. And you became a mom. I became a mom at nine. And so um, me trying to explain to her now, like, we're not gonna mom, we're not, she's not coming back. That was even worse. Cause I could like handle myself. Like I felt so grown up, but like seeing her.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:How how do you think the absence of your mom affected you emotionally, like physically, or or even in weird ways that you didn't expect?
SPEAKER_04:I mean, I feel like I still deal with issues, like I still deal with like, you know, the feeling of like rejection, or I think I you never stop feeling like even though you I know my heart, like it wasn't because she didn't want me, right? That feeling still never goes away because I just I don't know how to get it go. It just it's true. Like when your parent doesn't keep you anymore for whatever reason, it's just how you feel like this overwhelming sense of just rejection. And then um, and then even when she got out of prison, like four, three, four, five years later, we still couldn't go back. Like it was like I still never got my mom again. And then like the kids in um school would like bully me. And there was this one girl, I'll never forget her, she was such a bitch. I hope the worst things have happened to her since then. Diarrhea forever. She came up to me, I was snoo and scared, and like she came to me and goes, Hey new girl, when's the last time you seen your mama, you orphan? My first thought was like, You're fucking idiot. Orphans mean my parents are dead, she's not dead. Like, I think I think I said something like that.
SPEAKER_03:Of course, Kayla came back with the colour.
SPEAKER_04:Learn more vocabulary words, get a dictionary, you stupid idiot. But it really freaking if it hurt me, and then um, and then just going through like normal things that girls go through, like like being on your period for the first time. I mean, like your mom's supposed to be. There for that to help you how to navigate that, or like liking boys, and like you know, weird things that would happen in the foster home that like no one would understand. But my mom, and even like I was the only uh kid of color. So my mom had three white kids, and then me, a mix with black, and then I moved to a foster family where everyone was white. So no one knew how to do my hair. But my mom had like learned over the years how to kind of manage my hair. So then I'm in this new foster home where like this poor new white lady has no idea what to do with my hair. I'm going to school looking crazy every day, and I'm getting bullied and I'm crying, and just like I just felt so like helpless because I didn't have my mom there anymore just to like hold my hand and help me through through those things.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, okay. So, did you ever let yourself grieve that? Or were you not allowed to? Because I know you know it's a you're in a foster home now with other foster kids, right? It wasn't just you and your sister.
SPEAKER_04:There was like another like eight kids there. So it was a bunch of us. I don't think you know what's funny, I you just get thrown into it so quickly, and it's like I would definitely cry myself to sleep. And me and Erica shared a room, so we'd like cry together, but it's like one of those like unspoken things to this day that like the foster kids don't really do. It's like you get ripped away from your family, and then you just I think that's why I'm so good now with just adjusting and like being a chameleon and getting up and just moving because it was like pretty soon my foster parents were like, Okay, y'all should call us mom and dad because we need everyone in the family to be calling us mom and dad to have like a unit, you know. And I'm like, Well, how did that make you feel? Did you did you call them mom? Eventually I did. I think I called because dad was weird for me because I've never had a dad. I've never called anybody dad in my life, and I was deathly afraid of men up at that point because before that I was like abuse, you know, every man that came in my life was abusive. So, and he's my foster dad is an amazing man. We get along great, we have a great relationship, but he's like a six foot four, massive, like just he he is a big, scary man, especially to a nine-year-old. So, like it took me a little bit longer to like call him dad. And they were patient, it wasn't like call me mom and dad right now. Right. They were just like, hey, we'd like for you to maybe call us that. And then, um, and then my foster mom, I was way more resistant to her. Like, I remember one time I said some mean like stuff to her. Like, I was so again, I was so against somebody else trying to be my mom. So I'm like, my mom is coming back, right? I don't need a new mom. And I remember looking at her one time, like, you're only you're only pretending to love me because they're paying you to. Like, I was just like so against yeah, you're you're angry.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and your mom, like we said, was not dead. She she didn't pass away, she didn't, she was still alive. You knew she was on this earth, and you're like, I cannot wrap my head around why I'm not with her. Um, you know, it's like what helped you get through that time period, even if it was like messy or imperfect, like how did you survive? Kind of having to sort of be okay with that being the outcome.
SPEAKER_04:Um, I think I think I I think when I had actually realized that she was never coming back, I mean, I think it's probably like after she got out of prison, because the first time I actually got to see her. So she got out of prison and we got to meet her in a public park. And we were like walking, and she was about to tell me this. Like, I won't get too deep into it, but like, um, that's actually when I I saw like a bloody immersing a bloody tampon like in this park. And I was like, instead of being grossed out, I got sad because I was like, that I had my period, I just started my period and she wasn't there for that. It was like one of those moments. Um, but it was this big moment she was gonna finally share with me like who my biological father was, and I can go into that different episode. But um, and then we're sitting there and I'm like thinking, hoping she's gonna say, Well, you can come back, I can come back. And it was like, No, like I'm gonna be finishing out my childhood with this other family. She can't take us back. And so I think once I accepted that, because I think I always knew that was gonna be the case, I had onto this little hope. Once I accepted it, I think I was fully able to let myself be a part of this other family, and they were amazing and they like loved me and took care of us, and yes, there's flaws in every family, but of course I don't think there could have been a better turnout for a family for me to get placed in in this situation.
SPEAKER_01:And I think I finally just let myself be one of one of them and then immersed myself more in like school and projects and hobbies, and you know, I think that just kind of did you feel like a part of you like emotionally the the have you ever felt like a part of you froze emotionally back then and you just kind of put walls up?
SPEAKER_04:I mean, yeah, I mean look at me now, like even going through this breakup and being such a dismissive avoidant and not being able to really open up, it's because I think I always, you know, the the that time in my life where I loved so hard and for it just to be ripped away from me and then told, okay, now you have to adjust and reset and again be a chameleon. And then even in those foster care situations where I was the only black kid and then going to all white school and constantly having to like not be and then not black enough, not white, like I think between that and foster care, I've just I think I froze into this constant area of like defense and not letting myself feel or love too hard because it had it never worked out back then and it always hurt. And so that's something I'm working on in therapy for sure. It's because I I can sense that in my adult life now, and I almost feel sometimes like stunted. I'm like, I'm 34 years old. There shouldn't be a reason why I have so much trouble with like love and letting people land at my age, but I think it's because I'm still like that little girl, like I'm very stunted in that way.
SPEAKER_01:We're always gonna have them right here, like we're always living to we're always living for that little girl or that little boy that's inside of us, you know what I mean? It's like um, but you going to therapy, I mean, I feel like you are having breakthroughs, and I'm so proud of you for being able to like open up because I know that therapy was like a huge like no-no at first. Um going to therapy though, do you now feel like you've you're able to kind of process like closure with this situation, or do you still feel like it's that version is still stuck at a loss?
SPEAKER_04:I mean, yeah, I think one of the first things of being able to or first steps of being able to have closure is just accepting that there's something that needs to be closed. And I think that's what I'm just like, or like I think for so long I've just thought that I was broken or like there was something broken inside of me, there's something was wrong with me. And it's like, no, like you have quite a few reasons to be feeling this way, but we can we can make you not feel that way or figure out like right. So yeah, I think therapy in that way has made me realize like it wasn't my fault. You know, it's not my fault.
SPEAKER_01:Absolutely not that I'm like this, and um and that's just I think that's been the biggest help. Yeah, and and to know that now you are a 34-year-old woman and you can go through therapy so that whenever you possibly, you know, have a child or some one day you're taking care of your generational trauma before you can move on into a different um part of your life, right? It's like it is a a crazy thing to think about. Everything that happens as a kid really does stick with you.
SPEAKER_04:It does. I know. And that's just what's crazy, just to wrap your head around. Like we're all we're all just kidding. Like, it's funny when you look at like a little kid and adult, and it's like that that adult was that little kid, you know, it's just like like I yeah, like I look and I look at my even our parents, right?
SPEAKER_01:It's like they were little kids and then now they're adults, and then now they're like older. And it's almost like we all get to a certain point where we go back and we're like kids again when we're older. I don't know. It's like it's such an interesting I know it is the way the life like life kind of works. It's such an interesting, you know. It's like I heard like a little saying that was like, oh, we we start in diapers and we end in diapers. Yeah. But it's crazy. So gotta make the best out of this time in between. Yeah. And so be nice to ourselves. Exactly.
SPEAKER_04:Exactly. So obviously, you talked about your, you know, the actual death of your father and my the actual or the not actual death, but the feeling of death and losing um my mom to to prison. Uh, there's a lot of other non-death experiences that, you know, forces to grieve. And we've, you know, even in the last episode, we talked about uh a death experience like with Ozzy Osborne dying, a musician that we don't know personally, but it still feels like something that you grieve in an experience. But other like losing a childhood home could be something that people, you know, deal with. I dealt with that a lot of times growing up. How many homes were you in, or was it just one? One foster home, but I was in like, and growing up with my mom, we were homeless a lot, so we'd be sleeping on people's couches, we'd get a home get a house to rent, but then we'd be kicked out because she wasn't paying rent. I've seen cars repo'd, like there was no consistency. Remember that?
SPEAKER_01:Like, do you remember those moments? I know you were super young, but I just wondering how impressionable that was for you guys.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, you were five, so like seven, probably through these things. After five, probably like my earliest memory, the you know, is probably like around like five or six. Um, and a lot of times that's why my mom had boyfriends because it was like, okay, they have a house, we need somewhere to stay. But there are a lot of times we were me and Erica were sharing a mattress on the floor in one of the rooms or like with their kids and then uh sleeping on couches or air mattresses. And it was, it was, I mean, I was in a different school every year until the foster home because it was yeah, constant. So um, but the one of the craziest moments I'll never forget my mom getting her car repoed though, because that was we slept in that car, and that was just that was your home. That was the only way she could go to work and like pay for us. And I remember they came and repoed it. There, the tow truck was in the driveway, and she was like screaming. I've never seen my mom scream and cry so much, and I'm sitting there like helpless, not knowing what to do, but just knew that this was a really bad situation, right? Um, so but yeah, like that, like that is a huge loss of like just security. Um absolutely. But but yeah, lots of different, like, you know, people losing relationships, losing your sense of identity or security, which we've talked about, cutting ties, yeah, with people, friends, family.
SPEAKER_01:You know, I I have the two cousins that you know my my parents adopted. I we do not have contact with them at all. It's it's it is a very crazy thing. And I think I think it has uh shaped me to be able to let go of people because I had to let go of two people that I I really did think were my brothers, you know. Like we I they moved in when I was five or six years old. So I grew up with them and we have zero communication, and it's uh it was really sad for a long time, but then you realize, you know, people grow and change, and it doesn't matter if you're blood related or not, yeah, it it can happen to anyone in any situation, you know. But yeah, that that's uh that has been a loss where I felt angry about it. And I I think I felt more anger for my mom because she did all this because she loved her nephews and she loved my brother, or mean her brother, my uncle. And I can't imagine how she must have felt when like realizing, oh, we're not having communication anymore, you know? And you just you do, you have to cut it off. There's only so many times you could reach out to somebody and and uh and get that shut down until you just don't do it anymore. So yeah, lots of things. I mean, death of past versions of yourself, right? It's like talk about that too. So many, there's we've lived so many different lives, and uh you grieve it, you know.
SPEAKER_04:That's what I've been that's that's my therapist told me with our first session. It's like you're grieving with me going through this transition in my career. My career has been, I think it's also why I've been so like big on my career because that was when I was, I think I was 10 when I realized what I wanted to be when I grew up. And um, and I've been working at it since I talked to my foster mom recently, and she goes, That's why you're having a hard time. We watched you work at this since you were 10. I was doing like little shows on camera with my friends, and I was doing the public speaking competitions, and I said, One day I used to watch talk shows. One day I'm gonna be the next Oprah Winfrey. And then literally my life didn't stay on track all the way up until last year when I decided to quit my TV job, and that's why I'm having such a hard time. Right. I'm grieving the loss of that person. Yes. And it's just it's it's just crazy how like the like death can just come in all different forms.
SPEAKER_01:All different forms, and and along with death is always gonna come grief. Yes. And you have to release it. You have to make those take those moments and cry. And like we said, punch a pillow, scream in the pillow, go.
SPEAKER_04:The fact I just like tried on the show, I know I've just got to be. Can we just go back to that really quick? Which I never cry. I shocked myself. I'm like, what is happening? I think lately I've been releasing so much grief. So now it's like coming. I talked about even with acting because I'm like, I have a hard time uh crying on camera. And it's like because I don't have it in me to cry. And my therapist goes, once you start letting yourself cry in real life, then you can like switch it on. But it's like even in acting, I try to put on this like, I'm not crying, I want to cry in that scene, you know? So it is funny. Like, I now it just kind of comes out.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I just I clogged, clogged porous. Yes. No, I'm telling you, I I feel this energy, this presence of Kayla. And I'm just like, she is really you're really doing the work, you're really doing the inner work, and it's it's a really beautiful thing to to witness. I love I love you crying sometimes.
SPEAKER_04:Um, so what are some of the biggest lies that we're, you know, there's a lot of I hate like people try to say, like we said earlier, like some people just do the wrong things or say the wrong things. They don't mean to, but some I hate what some people decide to say right after like someone passes. Like time heals all wounds. Bullshit.
SPEAKER_01:It I mean, sure. I mean, I guess it heals a little bit. It helps ever heal. It's never, it's like I said, I it is what my 2009? I don't know, math. Well, how many years ago was that? I still hello. I'm talking about it right now with you guys, and I still cry about it in in certain moments or times. But there are times where I talk about my dad and I don't cry, I laugh, we make jokes and all the things, but um the wound is still there, it's still there, it's never gonna go away. So yeah, no, stop telling people that. Stop it. It's another or um one that, like, oh, the I at least they lived uh a long life. Not long enough. At least like because if they're older, my dad, you know, he was in his 50s, I believe, when he passed, or maybe 60s. Oh my gosh. Oh, but still, that does not comfort you at all. But that is not comforting. Like, I like I I just I yeah, it's like I had a friend who passed away at 25, and it's like she didn't get to live a long life, but so does that make his death less important than her death? Because it it doesn't, that doesn't make sense to me. Um, or like, yeah, you should be over it by now. You know, it's been I think 13 years for me since my dad has passed, and and and it's been what you were nine and now you're 34. So you should be over it by now. And what? No, I'm I'm never gonna be over it. I mean, I I work through it, I've been able to process those emotions and regulate them better, but I'm never gonna be over the loss of my dad. No, like or like they'd want you to be strong. They'd want you to be strong. Yeah, stay strong.
SPEAKER_04:No, it's when I die, I everyone who loved me is bawling their eyes out. I don't want to be strong, okay? I want to see you mourn, okay? I want you like thrashing on the carpet because you miss me so much. Don't be strong if you're here.
SPEAKER_01:If I see big strong, I'm like, they didn't even love me. Yes. No, exactly. And I'm like, also, some other things that you can say is like, hey, I know you're going through a rough time. If you need somebody to sit with you and just sit and watch trash TV and not talk, I can do that for you. Or hey, if if you're not eating, because I know I wasn't eating when my dad passed, hey, if you're not eating, hey, I'm I'm sending you well, well, there wasn't postmates back then, but now you can just say, hey, I'm sending you a postmate's, please have a meal.
SPEAKER_04:Um, you know, there's other ways to say we need to write a booklet of like what to say and what to not say to the family when you go to a funeral. Because people always say, like, I mean, I know it's hard. It's hard, but I know people say that what you should just study it before you go and just rehearse in the mirror. Because it's uncomfortable, right?
SPEAKER_01:It's it's super uncomfortable. And it's it's interesting because uh I've dealt with a lot of death. I've I even growing up, I had a like my my Awalita, my grandmother passed away. I had a friend's mom who passed away in the fourth grade and she was a police officer. So we had the bagpipes and everything, and you're in fourth grade, like, whoa, like this is yeah, you know, how are we supposed to like handle this? Um so it's just it is one of those things, like for me, like I said, I've it's not that death is like necessarily a scary thing. It's just it is a sad thing, it's always gonna be sad. Any, anything, and like we said, loss is sad, loss is loss, and loss is sad. It's just it's uh, but yeah, never go to a funeral and say anything about someone's outfit, especially the grieving daughter. Jeez, that's it.
SPEAKER_04:That person just needs a little slap on the wrist, you know.
SPEAKER_01:And it was like I me walking into the, I will never forget walking into the funeral home that day, not being able to like walk to the the casket because we had an open casket. And so my mom and my sister are standing there holding me, literally dragging me up there to to go see him. And after I have this moment with him and I'm able to finally stand up there and they are at, they're able to like leave me alone with him. And I was able like to have these like comp last moments with him. You come up to me and talk to me about my outfit. Like, I wanted to strangle this person till this day. I still look at her and um like she's not in our life, but like social media, she's you know, Facebook people pop up, and I'm always like, I hate her.
SPEAKER_04:I wonder if like I wonder if she was like trying to figure out what to say, and then like that came out.
SPEAKER_01:She thought humor was gonna be funny, and it's like, no, bro, like back up. Just give me a hug and say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for your loss.
SPEAKER_04:I'm here, whatever you need. Just say, I'm sorry for your loss. Yeah, you can't go wrong.
SPEAKER_01:Safest thing you could say to somebody is I am sorry for your loss. Please let me know if you need anything. I'm here.
SPEAKER_04:Um, how has how do you think grief has changed the way you view like time, relationships, and even like goals like now?
SPEAKER_01:It definitely makes me understand that time is extremely precious and to not hold grudges. Yeah, I I I just there's not enough time in the world to hold grudges. Like, yes, people people move on, people, you know, friendships come and go and things like that, but um even just taking each day as such a blessing. And it's hard because I've I've been I have anxiety, I've been in depressive states before where I don't feel like that day is a blessing. But when I look back on it, I always remind myself that you're alive, your brain works, you're physically pretty healthy and you have an amazing family and great people around you. So let's let's go and and make and make those um uh make those trips to go see your family, you know, like call call your your 89-year-old aunt or your 75-year-old uncle just to say, hey, what's going on? Like, oh well, did you hear about this in the news? And like pretend like make up a conversation, just give them because I do think some people, especially like old our elders, they they feel invisible. I remember my grandpa always said, like, oh, it's so sad getting older because you become invisible. So I feel like I never want that for anybody in my life. I want them to feel seen. Um, if they want to feel seen, you know what I mean? Oh, when I'm old, leave me alone.
SPEAKER_04:Um, leave me alone now. We're gonna be on the back porch. But we feel like like um um like uh forgiveness is is important. And I've I stro like I was still very angry with my biological mother up until like kind of recently, where I just didn't want to talk to her because I still felt like the older I got, just the more I realized things that I thought could have been preventable. I think it was around the time I got to her age where I was like, oh, like if I was in her shoes, because she had me when she was 33. I'm like, man, like the stuff that she was going through at that time, if I have gone through that at my at this age, I don't know how I would have handled it. So I let myself start forgiving her because like who knows what what could happen? Like, who knows, you know, how much longer I'm gonna have with her. She got she had lung cancer back in the day. So like I don't know what her health is. Right. And I would be devastated if she passed and I still held on to all this anger. And holding on to the anger isn't doing anything to me either. Right. And then I'm missing out on this potential relationship with my biological mother. Absolutely. And the same thing with my grandmother. I had issues with her for a few years, didn't speak to her. And I'm like, she's getting older. I know how much she loves me and just wants to be in my life. So I had to like, in the last few years, just let go. Just like realize I'm never gonna get the apology that I want. I'm never going to get probably the explanation that I want and probably not even get the truth about certain things. Right. But if I have, you know, any interests and letting go, just relinquishing that like anger and then letting also helping them not feel like I'm angry at them because I know it's been killing them too. It's just like just letting it go. Like, like you said, like life is short, it's precious, we don't have a lot of time. And is holding on to something worth them leaving this earth forever, you never getting to like have a relationship or talk about it.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I mean, there there's there's things that I wish I could have told my dad and just been honest with him about, but I can't do that fit, like you know, face to face. So I have changed that part, that part about me with my family. That's why I'm so open, sometimes too open with my family. They're like, Vanessa, we didn't need to know that. But I'm like, Yes, you did. No, I think I needed you to know this. Um, and so yeah, like it's it's it's just being honest with them. And even if that honesty is hard. Yeah. Um work on that, you know?
SPEAKER_04:Well, instead of the honey jar, we're actually just gonna ask a pre-prompted question. We can pretend it's a honey jar question, but just wanted to keep things in the same theme. So um it's funny. I have this thing for my if we're still friends, which you will be when I'm 40. Duh. I oops, ooh, the mic is sorry. One second, guys. Um, I want to have a faux funeral and I want to throw a funeral for myself and I'm gonna be laying in a casket. And I want all my friends to come up and say something really nice about me in the casket. So this is if you're if my friend you're listening, listen to this part. So, what's something you hope people say about you someday when you're gone? This is a cheat sheet for all of you.
SPEAKER_02:Um, I know what I'm gonna say to you. Wait, I know what I'm gonna say to you. You wanna tell me now? You wanna wait until you're laying standing over my casket in six years?
SPEAKER_03:I'll forget. You'll forget.
SPEAKER_01:You'll forget. No, you're never gonna forget. Never gonna forget. I'm gonna look at her and be like, we're gonna take three cleansing months together.
SPEAKER_03:She would.
SPEAKER_01:And I'm gonna I'm gonna hold her with her hand, and she is just gonna be able to take them with me because her eyes will be closed.
SPEAKER_03:No, I'm gonna be dead.
SPEAKER_04:I'm gonna, I'm a method actor. I'm not breathing. All right, what what do you hope people say about you someday when you're gone?
SPEAKER_01:Um I hope that they say I brought a lot of light to their life, um, laughter, honesty, um an easy-going friendship, relationship. Um, I just I I think that's what I try to do is like when I walk into a room, if if the room feels a little weird or off, like I try to like pick it up a little. Um I'm always the one that's gonna say, Hey, does everyone want to take a shot? You know, like I will be the first one to like break the ice. So I I hope that that's the that that's what people remember me for. Is trying to always um, I don't know. I I try to do the right thing always and uh listen to every side of the story because there's you know 20 different sides to every story. So I don't know where that twang just came in. I guess I'm gonna do that. I don't know either. Because we're talking about my dad from Bat and Rouge, I guess.
SPEAKER_02:So no, I think those are all good things to hope to like say.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I guess, yeah, that's what I would want.
SPEAKER_04:So say those about me, okay? Everyone say those about her. Don't say or she'll haunt you in a form of la boo-boo.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, and it's gonna be a la boo-boo, honey. What about you?
SPEAKER_04:Um, I think I just really try. I hope people just say I was kind. Like I think I just try really hard to be like just kind to people and um just try to make everyone just feel like seen and understood. I think for so much of my life I wasn't seen and understood or like accepted. So I think I just like I try to make anyone in a room just feel like they're part of it and and that they're accepted. Um, so I don't know. I think that to me would be like the legacy I'd want to leave. Yeah. So and that I was really funny, and that my ass looked really good in my jeans. Ooh, yeah. We got we can't forget about our ass.
SPEAKER_01:You know what? Barry's bottoms up. Yeah. We both no, not bottoms up, just like to the side. I would open casket and I want this. Yes, I want like shades, yeah. Give me shape, give me curvature and the gray. And make sure my makeup's done and my hair is done.
SPEAKER_04:I don't mean some like no no no no makeup. I need like top makeup artists to come in there and beat my face to the gods that I'm literally being sent to the gods. Yes, no, literally. I'm not walking through those pearly gates looking like money.
SPEAKER_01:And if you could just make it so I'm like with like my pretty smile, just like stuck like that. I want like a little like a little smirk. A wink.
SPEAKER_03:Just don't crazy with that baby shut like this. I'd be like trying to like put your eye down and you go and wax my nose hairs because they get a little long sometimes. So yeah, make sure I don't have a mustache.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, give us a full wax down. We need a whole, like, yeah, we just I just we need to look fly. Yes. Okay, please, please, please. And also, it's like play good music. Like, I don't need this like solemn or something. Like my dad, we played Santana. People were so weirded out by the music we played. We were playing Santana just live. He loved um uh uh Cuban, uh Cubano like music. So we would like always have we had that going. People were so weirded out. Yeah, it's like no, it should be a celebration at the end of the day, like we're there celebrating life. I agree.
SPEAKER_04:Again, but please cry because if you don't cry, I'll think you didn't love me. Right. Just bring no bring the little like eye drops. What do you gotta do? This whole cause, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I will haunt you. I go first, and you do not cry at my funeral, okay? That is all I'm saying. Okay, this is a PSA. I promise. I promise, I'll cry.
SPEAKER_04:Um, all right, guys. A little sign-off message. We all know, you know, grief isn't just about death, it's about just change, letting go of the version of your life you thought you'd have, but it also reminds us how much we can love, how deeply we can feel, and how strong we are and we think we are broken. So if you're grieving anything right now, a person, a place, or even a version of yourself, this one's for you. We see you, we got you.
SPEAKER_02:How do you feel after that episode? I feel open. Yeah. I feel like we just shared a lot. We did.
SPEAKER_01:It's like you can't put this two things back in the I still feel like very emotional. I don't know. Like I'm just I'm just proud of us. I'm just proud of us, okay? Um, I think that this is really hard to talk about. And uh, but when we talk about it, we get to feel a little more grounded in it. And and that's so freeing. So just free. I feel free. And I think that's like our word for the the episode. Just feeling free. Um and yeah, like get with people that you feel comfortable. I mean, like the first time we talked, it was we just like it was like word vomit. We just opened up and we were like, oh wow, we really just opened up like about our past and everything. So um, yeah, you know, just remember always find those two people that are gonna make those ingredients the best in the tea. And I'm lucky enough that I found the other ingredient to my perfectly tasting tea, which is Kayla Becker.
SPEAKER_02:Vanessa, that was a beautiful sign off.
SPEAKER_03:I love, I love you too. Okay, we're gonna go now. We're gonna go because I actually did like fall for a second. We love you guys. Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time. See you next time. Maybe less tears. Yeah. Bye guys. Bye. I love you. I love you too.
