Episode 10: When You No Longer Recognize Yourself as a Leader

There is a red flag that often shows up quietly but hits the hardest. It is the moment you look up and realize you no longer recognize yourself as a leader. In this episode, I talk about what happens when flexing turns into contorting, when you mute your voice to fit into a culture, and when leadership starts to feel like a costume instead of an extension of who you are. We explore how identity drift occurs, why it is so dangerous, and how losing your authentic self slowly erodes your confidence, effectiveness, and connection with your team.

We also talk through how to audit the values you have been compromising, how to reset your leadership identity in small and sustainable ways, and how to lean on community, mentors, and trusted peers to help you recalibrate. If you have ever felt yourself shrinking, softening your edges, or bending so far you can no longer find your center, this episode is your reminder that you can reset and reclaim yourself as a leader.

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of She Leads and Succeed, a podcast that goes beyond surface level leadership, chatter and focuses on real talk, real strategies, and radical support. My name's Latoya Jordan, and I am thrilled once again to have you spend some time with me where I'm gonna offer just some insights from my experience as an executive in corporate spaces and now supporting executive women across many different industries.

Really my intention is to pull back the curtain on some of the strategic. Things that women leaders need to consider as they're moving in their journey as a leader. Today, I'm gonna share a topic in our series of red flags that probably might not be something that you expected, but one that I have found to be a red flag that clients have come to me with, and I realize that it's something we don't talk about as much.

We talk about [00:01:00] more of the succession planning, promotional things. Those are the things we may have. To, but this one is a little different, so hopefully this is a new tool that you could put in your toolkit if it ever starts to. Show up for you. You know what to do. So this red flag is about what happens when you don't recognize yourself anymore as a leader.

And lemme just set the stage right. You've adjusted, you've flexed, you've taken on more, you've bit your tongue so much that it bleeds. You've played the game, you've done all the things you've said yes to, things that you really wanted to say no to. You've done some of the office housework that we talked about in the previous episode.

You've done these things and then one day you look in the mirror and you think, who is this person? Who is this leader? This is not even me. This is not who I wanted to be. This is not why I took this role. Who am I? That's a red flag. That's actually the red flag of all red flags y'all. When leadership stop feeling like an extension of who you are and starts to [00:02:00] feel like a costume you are wearing, that is a red flag.

So I wanna talk about it. I wanna talk about how to spot it, why it's so dangerous and what to do when you realize that you actually have lost yourself. All right, so let's jump into it. One of the first things I really want to mention is that when you can't see yourself in leadership anymore, it really is a signal that you've drifted too far from your values and your voice.

You've moved away from your why, and that starts to signal a shift. And how you are seeing yourself as a leader. And, and lemme be clear, every leader has to flex, right? I'm not talking about flexing, but when flexing becomes contorting, you know, that is when you are eroding your leadership identity. And this happens often when you.

Find yourself compromising too much to fit into a culture of an organization or simply to survive that organization. It [00:03:00] women in particular, face pressure to conform and sometimes even a code switch depending on the industry. These things are what I'm talking about when I say that you are eroding your.

Identity. But when you lose touch with your authentic self, you start to drain your energy, your clarity starts to get really cloudy and most importantly, you start to lose confidence in who you are and what you bring to the table. Now, there is obviously research on this and, and one of the books that I often will give to clients is one called Act Like a Leader.

Think Like a Leader. And in the book, the author talks about. Leadership identity and how it evolves over time. But she also mentions how the misalignment between identity and role really can cause disengagement. So if who you are as a leader, who you are as a person, and your values, your voice, your authentic self is misaligned with the role or with the expectations on [00:04:00] how you.

Perform the role. That's where you start to have some disengagement and some frustration, and I want you to know that that is in fact a red flag. So I don't want you to not pay attention to that and think, oh, I just have to get through this. There's nothing to get through, right? Leadership is should never feel like cosplay.

You know what I mean? Where you are addressing up in the role. So if you don't recognize yourself anymore, that's not. Growth that is actually a drift, and a and adrift is in fact a red flag. So I'd want you to think about or reflect on, what have you felt like you had to shrink, mute yourself, contort just to survive at work?

You know, think about that. And if in fact you start to see times when not is true, I would encourage you to perhaps write down what are some of your top leadership values and, and figure out which of those you may have had to compromise in order to be in the role and in order to survive. Take some time to really audit that for yourself [00:05:00] and then check in.

Are those things that you're okay with? You know, adjusting are those things that really matter to you and you don't want to do that anymore. But it, for me, the first step is just like awareness of what is going on in order for you to then decide on how you wanna move. So the next thing I would call out around this notion of identity alignment.

As a potential red flag is that when you lose yourself, when you start to lose your identity through contorting and, and constant, you know, adjustments that you're making to fit in, you think that, oh, no one's noticing, or, oh, you know, I just gotta get myself together. It's not really that, you know, serious people aren't.

This is just about me. This is just a me thing. What you real, what you don't realize is that it actually starts to undermine your effectiveness as a leader. You think that only, it's just only affecting you, but in fact, it's affecting your team. It's affecting your colleagues. It's [00:06:00] affecting how people see you constantly having to perform a version of yourself that is not you deplete your creativity.

It depletes your ability to show up in your full self and be effective. And if you don't think your team notices, you are sorely mistaken. Teams, people, colleagues, your team, your boss, they all will start to sense that you're out of alignment. And when you're not being authentic, it'll affect how they want to interact with you.

Because you have to remember, right, that authentic authenticity is. A part of the building blocks of building trust. So when you are just performing and you are, you know, cosplaying, as I said earlier, that's an actor on a stage, that's not someone who I'm gonna trust to, you know, go the extra mile for, to offer my creative ideas and, and be, feel safe to fail around because they're, you know, just a hollowed version of a, of a [00:07:00] leader.

Authentic. They're not, I don't feel their energy, their spirit, their honesty, right? Instead, I just feel this mannequin, quite frankly. And so teams will feel that, and that will make it harder for you to lead them because they don't trust you. So if you have to stay in a role that requires constant contortion, you are gonna.

Get burnt out. You might even have some health issues, but what also you need to know is your team is gonna feel less willing to follow you. You know, there's research that shows, there's a book called Authentic Leadership, and in that book it talks about how authentic leaders are more trusted, more engaged, more resilient, and those things matter to team members.

So it's important for you to pay attention to that and know that this is not just affecting you personally, but it is affecting all those that are around you. So just keep that in mind, right? Leaving like someone else might keep you in the seat for now, but it won't keep you there for long because. At some point, [00:08:00] you are either gonna burn out or your team's not gonna follow.

Either way. You're not gonna be able to stay in that seat contorting and being someone else in an effective way. It just, those things don't go together. So if that is you and you are like, man, maybe I, I didn't realize that people are noticing or that I am not gonna be as effective, just kind of trying to.

Go along to get along. You feel like that's you? I would have you just reflect on a couple of things. One is, how is consortium yourself at work showing up in your energy? How is it showing up in the relationships you have with your team? And how is it showing up in your health? How are you feeling? How are you sleeping?

How are you able to get up every morning and really be ready to rock in an authentic way that is true to who you are and who you wanna be as a leader? And if you, when you take that assessment, you see like, hmm. This isn't, this isn't working, this isn't healthy. Or, you're right, my team is starting to see it.

I do [00:09:00] notice they're pulling back a little more. Just identify one behavior that sh really speaks to who you are as a leader and, and try, try it back on for the next, you know. 10 to 12 days. See how it feels. Do it unapologetically. I remember for me, it was showing up in certain clothing that I wanted to wear as a leader.

That just my style. I wanted to show up in every way. From how my office was designed to the clothes I chose to wear to my hairstyle, whatever. And you know, at a certain point I started to try to contort a bit and align with what I thought was the professional aesthetic, whether it was my physical me or whether it was my office or whatever.

And at a certain point, I decided to try. Me again, and I did it unapologetically. And in doing so, the weight was lifted from me and I was able to kind of get back to me in a way that was truly meaningful and I think benefited not only me, but my team and the [00:10:00] work that we set off to do. So if that's you, again, just think about what is one small thing you could do that really speaks to who you are and your authentic leadership.

And try it on for a week or so unapologetically and, and see how, in fact that goes. This could be things such as like speaking with a bit of more candor, giving feedback in your own style, asking questions when maybe questions aren't always seen as the right thing to do at certain meetings. Again, just try on one of those things and, and then see how you feel, how you feel in your body, how others have responded, and then.

With anything else, like my favorite Atomic habits, um, book, you know, stack on habits until you start to find yourself back into your own body, into being who you wanna be as a leader. Okay, so the last thing I will say is that if you are hearing this and you're like, oh my gosh, this is so me, Latoya is speaking directly to me, listen, there is hope.

'cause you can reclaim yourself simply by resetting. [00:11:00] What you need, right? This is not a hopeless thing that you're in an organization that doesn't fit. I have to run outta here. All of that, that is in no, by no means what I'm trying to say, you can get back to yourself, but it does require a bit of courage, some clarity, and sometimes.

Some outside support from someone who can see it for what it is and kind of tap you on the shoulder and say, Hey sis, this is not you. Why are you showing up that way? So there is hope and there's a way to get you back into being who you wanna be as a leader. So the first thing I would say is like rebuild alignment with who you are, recommit to the values and the visions that you set for yourself when you first started in this leadership role.

And look for moments where you can reset. Yourself in a very clear way. There are gonna be opportunities around you where you can refine your leadership identity. And so when you find, when you find those moments, don't walk away from them. Lean in and reset your [00:12:00] leadership identity. You also could look around, when I say kind of outside support, I'm talking about mentors or colleagues who see you, who know your intention, who know they know your identity or your values, who can call you out and offer you some perspective, and they can also give you accountability when you might need it.

So. Go back to finding that kitchen cabinet, that group of people who can be there for you to support and challenge you and hold you accountable for showing up in the way you've set to do so. This isn't about blowing it all up, but it is about recalibrating who you are and how you are showing up at work so that you can literally feel like yourself again.

I think one of the most beautiful things that a leader can do is integrate their authenticity with the performance that they are are known for, right? That they. Can show up fully themselves in the work, in the culture, in a way that allows them to, to do the work that they intended to do in that [00:13:00] organization.

When you do that as a leader, you are way more satisfied in the work. And guess what? You stay longer because you're not. In this like fatigue of trying to contort and but also be yourself and you know, have this burnout energy, or burn out your energy because you're trying to do too many things at once.

Psychologically, that's too much and it's an overload. And sometimes the execution of it leads to burnout. 'cause you just really can't be two people at once. So if you are someone who you feel like you know. I'm losing myself here. Don't let that be the end of your story. Instead, let it be a turning point.

Reclaim your voice. Y'all reclaim your values and your vision. That's what a leadership reset is, and find people around you who will help you so that you don't do it alone. Look around and see. Who can I turn to to support me as I reset and reclaim who I am? And one thing I've asked you to do in a reflection [00:14:00] posture is think about if I could lead from my truest self tomorrow, what would be different?

That will unlock so many things for you, because it'll give you the data you need of seeing what needs to change in order for you to be your true, authentic self as a leader. And then. Go and find someone to talk to, to help you to do this reset. Reach out to a coach, a mentor, a trusted peer, and just say, you know what?

I'm just feeling like I am not in alignment to who I wanna be as a leader can, and I really wanna reap. Calibrate myself. Can you help me? Can we talk through that for a bit and allow them to listen to you as you share what might be off and some ideas that you may start to have about how you can reset your own leadership identity.

So listen, not recognizing yourself to me is the loudest red flag you can have as a leader. Identity drift, contorting, exhaustion, all of those things to me are the huge red flag. And often [00:15:00] as women leaders, we. Don't pay them, pay that flag any attention. 'cause we think we have to make these huge adjustments in order to fit in.

And to me that is the furthest thing from the truth. The cost of doing it is just too high, but you can reset. And my encouragement is that you find ways to not only reset, but to reclaim yourself in a way that is, feels authentic and sustainable. As a leader. Leader. So if you listen to this and you're thinking, yeah, you're right, I don't recognize myself anymore.

Hear me when I say you're not broken. And quite frankly, you're not alone, but it's a red flag. In this moment, this podcast episode is your invitation to reset, recalibrate, and come back to yourself. Come back to who you are, the values and vision you have for yourself as a leader, because no organization.

Once a version of you that is just simply contorting to fit in, they want the person that they hire that they saw, that the fire they saw in you. [00:16:00] They want that leader. They want who you really are. So I encourage you to take a moment and reset yourself so that you can show up authentically and ready to lead in this moment, in this time for this work.

So again, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for taking time to. Listen in on some insight around a topic that is so important to me and I, I think that many women leaders don't get access to. And so I hope that you found this to be another tool in your toolkit as a woman leader, as you strive to grow and.

Reach all the spaces that you aspire for as a leader. If this is you, use these tools, use these reflections, and, and get yourself back on the road to being authentically you. And if it's not you, yay. But share with a colleague or friend who you think might be going down that road so that she can quickly reset and get back on the right path to her own leadership journey.

As always, you know that the show [00:17:00] notes are below, so if you missed anything or you wanted to jot down something, just go down below and grab the information there. And as always, please stay in community with us. You can find me on LinkedIn, so please go on and follow. And if you have any direct questions, send them in DM so that I can answer you directly, but also perhaps in a future podcast.

As always, thank you for taking time to spend some of your precious day with me as I offer these. These little tips, these little red flags, to prevent you from turning those red flags into burning infernos because you might have missed them. Now your Spidey senses are on y'all, so you have what you need in order to move effectively through your leadership journey.

So that's all for now. Thanks again for joining. Until next time.