The Quiet Burnout of Midlife Women: Carrying the Mental Load

In this episode, Kim and Vicki talk about the mental load many midlife women carry... the constant planning, remembering, and managing of everything behind the scenes of daily life. From meals and schedules to vacations and family logistics, being the household “project manager” can quietly lead to burnout. 

They unpack why phrases like “just make me a list” can add to the burden, how perimenopause and shifting hormones can amplify stress and resentment, and the signs that your mental load may be overflowing. 

You’ll also hear practical ways to lighten the load like sharing full ownership of tasks, making invisible work visible, and recognizing that your energy is finite. 

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by everything you carry in your head, this episode will help you feel seen—and give you tools to start sharing the load. 💛 

🎧Timestamps 

00:00 Welcome and Topic Setup
01:23 What Mental Load Means
03:05 The “Make Me a List” Trap
04:59 Pandemic Grocery List Breakdown
07:12 Hormones, Perimenopause & Resentment
09:01 Letting Go and Sharing Tasks
10:09 Burnout Signs and Freeze Mode
12:32 Moms Need Real Time Off
14:32 Practical Ways to Unload
16:10 Nova Scotia Packing Lesson
18:22 Sitting With Discomfort & Making Work Visible
20:19 The Finite Energy Cup Analogy
21:21 Final Encouragement and Wrap Up 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

I think in our younger years, you know, society says you can have it all, you can have the career, you can raise the kids, you can do all of this in a beautiful way. And so we're like doing it with a smile on our face, but not really a smile on our face. And when our hormones are doing what they're supposed to do, we can do all of that and we can coach our kids and we can do whatever and make it all die on just a cheese stick. And I think that once we have perimetopause, some of that is like our bodies go, ma'am, you can't keep up this pace anymore. And then we find ourselves in burnout.

SPEAKER_03 0:29

Welcome to Faded to Fabulous, the podcast for women who know that midlife is not the end. It's the beginning of something bold. I'm Kim Lovely, and I'm here with Vicky Kirby. We're here to talk to you about health, hormones, confidence, and joy. Midlife isn't about fading away, it's about stepping into your power and shining brighter than ever. Let's get into it. Hi, ladies.

SPEAKER_01 0:57

Hi, ladies. Welcome. We're so happy to have you. We've got we've picked some juicy good topics, I feel like. And this one I definitely like. I wrote an article about mental load during the pandemic, and it really resonated with women. So the I love the title of this one, The Quiet Burnout of Midlife Women, The Cost of Always Being the One Who Thinks Ahead. So, Kim, what is mental load if somebody's listening and going, I don't know what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_03 1:28

Yeah. So I'm going to wear my nutritionist hat on this one, right? Because that's how I understand it. So the mental load of meal service preparation, all the things is deciding what all the people in your home are going to eat, right? The mental, like the the when are you going to shop for it? When are you going to cook it? All of that stuff is the mental load piece. Your kids' schedules, like who's got soccer, who's got whatever? Like it's not the driving them to the events, it's the management, the coordination of all of that. To me, that feels like mental load, but like I'm going to toss it back to you. What does mental load mean to you?

SPEAKER_01 2:14

So, like if you have a spouse that's like, I but I do the dishes. The mental load is the heaviest of all of the responsibilities in the home. It is the literally being the mastermind behind everything. So it's it's the school vacation is coming up. Where are we gonna go? Do we have child care? The kids don't fit in their shoes anymore. It's teacher's week. We got to get something right. Do I feel like my daughter isn't getting along socially with her friends? And that's worrying me. And I'm so I'm gonna do something to arrange a day, play date, you know, all of those pieces in every capacity, and it is so much more exhausting than a task.

SPEAKER_03 3:01

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 3:01

So much more exhausting. So that's where we end up with burnout.

SPEAKER_03 3:05

You know, I was just thinking about something. Um, and sorry, honey, if this throws you under the bus. It does kinda. Um when you need help and the person that you need help from tells you, well, just make me a list.

SPEAKER_00 3:20

Ah right.

SPEAKER_03 3:22

Every woman watching this is going, you know what I used to say? It's the same thing every day. Right? Like it's the we most families are pretty consistent with their life.

SPEAKER_01 3:39

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 3:40

There's no lists needed, just do it.

unknown 3:42

Right.

SPEAKER_03 3:43

Like making the list is one more task that you have to do. And I know that it causes problems, right? Because I know for a fact that I did more than I needed to because I was pig headed or bullish about not making the list, because that would tick me off, right? So I guess that, yeah, that it's funny how that one, like, as soon as I said it, everyone.

SPEAKER_01 4:08

Every person listening is like, oh, because because and and here's the why. And this is not to like do men versus women, and you know, men are bad or any of those things. It the largely falls on women. And I'll give an example. So my my I am in charge of my mom, I'm her POA and power of attorney. And so even though she's getting physical care somewhere else, there are so so many things that come up that I am responsible for. So my husband will say, if I'm in a place where I'm like, ooh, I'm not in a good space, and he'll say, What can I do? And it's like, yes, I can tell you one task to do, and I appreciate that you would do that for me, but it doesn't ease the burden of being the one ultimately responsible, right? So I think that that is what it's about. That's where burnout comes in. When we were in the pandemic, you know, we're all home. I don't know how we survived. And my husband was like, I'm gonna go to the store and get us all our groceries and wear my mask and whatever. And I was like, that's great. First, I was very afraid because I figured he would get like all Chef Buerty ravioli and you know, cocoa puffs and healthy, which I know he does eat cocoa puffs. Sorry, Matt. But he he really did a great job and and did right. But then at one point during the pandemic, he came up to me and he said, All right, I need the grocery list. And I just started crying because I love that he goes to the grocery store. But I have to think about what we're eating, and and so now I think like, you know, if you fast forward like to give a solution, one of the things that I'll do is if he says I need the grocery list, because he still goes to the grocery store, I will write on there whatever you're planning on for Saturday night. Because then love that I'm not picking it, I'm not thinking about what the ingredients are, none of it. That is on, and that is way more helpful for me than just the act of going to the grocery store. That's great. Yeah, yeah. He'll still call me like eight times when he's there, but that's okay. Like we're we're we're getting there. We're doing basically.

SPEAKER_03 6:14

My funny grocery store. So Michael and I have always shopped together since yeah, we we always shopped. We always have. And we have the one of those philosophical conversations one time, and I said to him, If I were gone, you know, what would you miss much most? And it kind of shocked me. He goes, food shopping. And I was like, Really? Like, that's what you would miss most? And he said, Yeah. Yeah, that is like part of our routine. He holds the cart wherever and I go and get the food. And on occasion, if he's traveling and I have to go on my own to the grocery store, do you know what happens? I lose the cart. I have no idea where I put it.

SPEAKER_01 6:48

Because he always is the one pushing. I was gonna say you only bought cottage cheese.

SPEAKER_03 6:53

We do buy a lot of cottage cheese. Um, no, I can't find the cart because I've that's not my job.

SPEAKER_01 6:59

So this is because we take care of women. We see this all the time, and how it shows up is burnout. Yes. So these are, you know, and I think like there's women, and I think we can tie hormones in here too. You know, I think in our younger years, again, you know, society says you can have it all, you can have the career, you can raise the kids, you can do all of this in a beautiful way. And so we're like doing it with a smile on our face, but not really a smile on our face. And when our hormones are doing what they're supposed to do, we can do all of that and we can coach our kids and we can do whatever and make it all day on just a cheese stick. And I think that once we have perimenopause, some of that is like our bodies go, ma'am, you can't keep up this pace anymore. And then we find ourselves in burnout. And what comes is reflection and resentment. And I see that all the time. Yep. Because it's like when you don't feel it and you don't have the energy to do it, all of a sudden you're like, Why the hell am I the only one doing all this? You know what I mean? And I always encourage, like, we have to take ownership a hundred percent that we help to design and cultivate those systems and those patterns in your life, right? Yes. So think about for you, Kim. We were talking about, you know, how you would just do it instead of make the list. Yes. Right. So the part of that too, and that's not just like I'm I'm mad at you because you're asking me to make a list. Part of that is like, if I don't do this, it's not gonna get done. Or it's not gonna get done the way I want it, too. The way I want it. Right.

SPEAKER_03 8:37

And then you can be that's and that opens up a whole can of worms too, right? What's wrong with it being done the way you want? What's wrong with that?

SPEAKER_01 8:46

Well, that's like if you know, like, do I want my husband to pick out the decor for a new room? No, right? Am I okay with him cleaning the toilet? Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? So it really comes down to picking if you are gonna give your partner, say, listen, I'm underwater, open communication, right? Because you've designed this and you've you've been part of the dance. I realize I am part of the problem, but I'm in burnout and I need your help. I'm in you need to pick something that isn't gonna drive you bananas if it's not done to your expectations. And you need to actually give it and let it go. Yeah, yes, yeah. Um, you know, so part of that is gonna take you doing a little self-reflection too. And and and you know, we always talk about where old stuff comes from, and maybe you were the type of like you were parentified as a kid, you always had to be, you know, doing it all and getting doing it all, and the oldest daughter and all the pieces, but you can unpack that and say, all right, I actually am in a relationship where this person's like, hey, I want to help you, right? It is safe to let some things go because we don't have the luxury of burning ourselves into the ground in midlife, especially.

SPEAKER_03 10:09

So let's talk a little bit about what burnout might look like, right? So I know my symptom of burnout. I used to notice it when I was working for a, you know, not in my own business when I used to work for somebody else. I would experience burnout as lack of empathy. Oh, wow. So, you know, someone might say to me, Oh, I heard this tragic thing. This, you know, poor woman has breast cancer and she's got three little kids. And if my brain went to crickets, like didn't go to the place of, oh, that's painful. I hate here. I'm so sorry to hear that. If my brain literally doesn't offer that kindness, empathy, sympathy, yeah, I know I'm in burnout.

unknown 10:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:52

And I used to be really good about sort of stopping and saying, okay, you need a break. Like if you don't, if you can't muster the kindness and empathy, then that means yeah, you're empty and you need to do something about it. So do you have a symptom that because I think you you told me one time, yeah, freeze?

SPEAKER_01 11:12

Yeah, tell us what that looks like. I see this in a ton of women. What I see clinically in burnout when I see women is fatigue, like just apathy, fatigue. It will show up like depression, cheerfulness. Yes. It'll impact sleep. Yeah. They won't be enjoying things that they normally would.

SPEAKER_00 11:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:33

They're not making choices that they normally would. Maybe you're not showing up at the gym. Maybe you are not making food choices that you know help your body to feel good.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 11:44

You're not socializing. You don't want to respond to the text. You are in freeze. So freeze is really when you're like, okay, I would be perfectly happy in my bathrobe, in my bed, scroll doom scrolling through social media.

SPEAKER_03 11:59

I like what the kids call it bedrotting.

SPEAKER_01 12:01

Bedrotting.

SPEAKER_03 12:02

I love it. It's a funny word, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:05

Um, but yeah, that's a lot of times what we see with burnout. It's not healthy and it's not a good space to be in.

SPEAKER_03 12:14

I saw it this week. I had a client this week who is in burnout, and there was a flatness. Like I call it a flat affect. It's not a scowl, it's not a smile, it's not a it's just flat. Yeah. Like there's no emotion that you can see on the face. And interesting, I asked the question, what job is there that vacation is not necessary? None.

SPEAKER_01 12:42

None.

SPEAKER_03 12:43

But I think some women who, you know, make the choice to be a stay-at-home mom and God bless you for doing that. I think they have a hard time realizing that that is a job that still needs a vacation.

SPEAKER_00 12:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:55

So at the end of the visit, what we had sort of I got a promise out of her was like, please explore the possibility of having a vacation from your job. Because just because you're not earning an income doesn't mean you don't have a job. Oh, yeah. And it doesn't, it's not a nine to five. It's not like someone goes to their office and comes home. Like it is a 24-7 job. And I think sometimes women in those positions don't feel like they earned or deserve a vacation.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

All the time. And not only a vacation, just self-care. Like that, I see stay-at-home moms all the time in my practice. So they're like, Well, my husband gets home and he's really he's had a hard day. I'm like, girl, you're on 247. Yeah. Like, I'm sorry. Did he get a lunch? Did he sit with his buddies at lunch? Did he get to go for a walk? Like, you need a minute away from this house and your children. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 13:48

I, you know, I compared it to her because I was laughing about um when I had my colonoscopy last week that these people, you know, as they're getting ready and stuff, they were joking with each other when someone was crabby or whatever. And I said, Hey, no crabby people working on this princess, right? Like I am a princess. I need everybody with their like a game, right? So I was being funny. But I brought it back to this client and said, if you were going in for surgery and your anesthesiologist had not had a vacation in two years, how would you feel about that?

SPEAKER_01 14:16

You want that person taking care of you.

SPEAKER_03 14:17

No. So your children deserve you to actually have a vacation because then you have a chance of showing up for them as a rested, non-burned out person, right? So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:31

So so how where do we go? Like, so what what do we tell women to do who come in? They're in burnout. I think sometimes for for me it's actually explaining what mental load is and seeing like the light bulbs go off and explaining to them just how incredibly exhausting that is, and why it's so important that they figure out systems within their home that they can share some of that burden.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:02

I think just recognizing that it is almost like a it's a little bit of an illness that needs their attention. Like their body is trying to tell them something, yes, and it's a really good idea to pay attention. So, what might that look like unloading some of the burden if you having a conversation, starting a chance?

SPEAKER_01 15:23

Yeah, with your person, yeah, in and and all your people. Yeah, you know, I have grown kids. I have gotten really good at being able to say, I love you. I am in overwhelm right now with all of the pieces of my life that I'm trying to float. Uh I'm not gonna be my like I'm not gonna show up at 100% and I can't. I I only have about 20% to give. Yep. And to my husband, I need help. And again, it might be you own dinner in its entirety. I don't want to think about it. But getting good at having the conversations and exploring what it can look like and and again, being willing to put down your own stuff and your own ego and ask for help.

SPEAKER_03 16:08

Yeah, exactly. So the Nova Scotia story, yes, so that's funny. It's a funny one. So um my husband and I grew up in Nova Scotia, and so for the last 30 years, we've taken the adventure every summer and driven to Nova Scotia in various stages of the kids' life. And for probably a decade of that, my husband would work right up until the last minute, and I would pack everybody up, pack all the snacks, pack the car, you know, do all the things. And basically we would go down the driveway when he shut his computer off. And I found that I was sort of getting a little bit more resentful and crabby about it. I could just, because we'd end up in the car and the kids, you know, whatever. I can't turn around because it makes me nauseous. And so it's just not a great way to start a vacation. I'd be really crappy by the time we got there. So I started doing a the day, uh a day of vacation at home for me before we went away, so that I actually started vacation alone. The kids might still have school. Yeah. It was it was smart. And then I realized why am I packing the car when everybody else is just doing their thing. And, you know, and to my, you know, to my husband, he needs to get his ship together so he can actually pack the car too. So I just decided I was not going to do anything until somebody showed some interest in packing. And the kids, I was sitting outside and the kids came up and said, Are we going to Nova Scotia? And I'm like, Yeah, as soon as anybody else starts to pack. And that was a game changer for me. Like, huge change. And I don't know why I didn't do it years before that.

SPEAKER_01 17:38

But because you're trying to do it all. Like that's what we did, right? I I remember one year, this is when the kids were little and we were going away, and I had to think about I had two little kids. So you know how much planning goes into that. You need a car seat and you need this and you need their special snacks, and you can I had about all things. Do you know what I left at home?

SPEAKER_03 17:54

Your suitcase.

SPEAKER_01 17:55

My suitcase.

SPEAKER_03 17:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:57

And I had to go to Rennies in Maine, Runny's, I don't remember what it's called. In Maine. So I end up with, you know, underwear a size like triple X and like a bathing suit that didn't fit. Like anyway. But this is the stuff that happens, you know. So fun. It was just really like reflective of like what was going on in my life at the time. You weren't doing. Yeah, you were doing it. We were not taking care of you. Yeah, yeah. Including your clothes. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And so part of one of the things that you and I talked about the other day too, for tips about like how to navigate this, sit with the discomfort. So if you are like, I but but someone left a dish in the sink and I have to do it because it's going to absolutely drive me crazy. Practice sitting in the discomfort. Because if you literally go around and clean up after everybody and pick up everything, like no one else is seeing that discomfort. And I do think that that's important. There was a great commercial on TV that I saw recently, and this guy had like a whole bunch of mess out. And you see his girlfriend's like annoyed and looking at him, and he goes, No, no, don't worry about it. Just leave it. He's like, You won't believe it. He's like, if you just leave it, it'll go away. He's like, like magic. I left my laundry out the other day. And it ended up folding. Anyway, it was funny. Oh, that's so funny for funny.

SPEAKER_03 19:17

I'm afraid that that may happen. Like, yeah, yeah. I know.

SPEAKER_01 19:21

Um, and and I think we had talked about this the other day too. Um, Michelle Obama, there was an interview with Michelle Obama, and she was talking about her husband and how he didn't understand why she was always stressed out and and whatnot. And so one Saturday, he followed her around the entire day and wrote down everything that she did. I love it. And it made him step up as a husband completely. So maybe, maybe there's some of that. So they understand, like, that you know, what did you do all day? Oh my gosh, follow me, and you will see.

SPEAKER_03 19:52

Well, I love the fact that, like, you know, we talk about how important it is that you have your Wednesdays to take care of the mom stuff, and right. And I know that it's your busiest day. You're not clinically in the office busy, but you're busy. And your spouse is like, Well, that's your day off.

SPEAKER_01 20:05

Oh, he no longer says what are you doing on your day off? Because he knows like he's that's dangerous territory, but I'm not sitting around eating bonbons, I promise you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:16

Okay. So on the, you know, what would be our last piece of advice as far as burnout? I think going back to knowing that we have a finite amount of energy too, right? And knowing that we can get ourselves into trouble if we're using up all of our rocks and not saving any.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

Absolutely. So rock analogy is always perfect. Yep. I use a cup analogy sometimes with women. You know, I had somebody that's like, I just, my nervous system is so I'm always anxious and I'm always upset and things are always going wrong. And I'm like, listen, if you your responsibilities are what's in the cup. If you're at 50, 60 percent, you have room when the inevitable life thing happens to add. But if you're at 95% all the time, it just takes one inconvenience and you are overflowing. So I think like being mindful of where am I at? What do I have room for? And communicating that with the people around you. Yeah, yep. We only have finite energy. Absolutely. So, ladies, if you're finding yourself in resentment, it's not a good place. If you're finding yourself in burnout, also not a good place. You can get out of it. You're gonna have to have some conversations, you're gonna have to take some ownership of what's going on with you. But you deserve to feel amazing and wonderful in this life.

SPEAKER_03 21:39

And there's help. Yeah. Ask for it.

unknown 21:42

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:43

Take care, ladies. See you soon. Thanks for spending time with Vicky and I today on Faded to Fabulous, where midlife is just the beginning of your boldest chapter yet. If you got something out of today's episode, we'd love it if you'd share it with a friend. And leave a review. Hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. And if you're looking for more support, inspiration, or sisterhood, come join us at faded to fabulous.vis because you were never meant to do midlife alone. Until next time, stay fabulous.