106 | I WON'T SETTLE! - PICKY, PERFECT OR PEACE? | GUEST: GRACE LEWIS

What’s the difference between being picky, having standards, and finally protecting your peace? In this week’s episode, Anna sits down with powerhouse guest Grace Lewis—author, reality dating alum, life coach and unapologetic boss—to talk about the real cost of dating down, how childhood shapes our romantic choices, and why neither of them is willing to settle (ever again).

This is a no-filter conversation between two smart, successful women who’ve tried it all—from dating apps and matchmakers to love stories that felt right until they very much weren’t. They unpack red flags, ghosting, and the emotional acrobatics women perform when we fall for potential instead of reality. From LA’s fake job titles to New York’s direct charm, from air mattresses to FaceTime background sleuthing—this episode is part hilarious, part heartfelt, and totally relatable.

Whether you’ve ever paid the emotional (or literal) bill for someone else’s lack of ambition—or just needed a reminder that not settling is a power move—this one’s for you.

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Transcript

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Are you in search of a significant other who is ready to define the relationship, or are you looking for a no strings attached? Friends with benefit for some good giving and game. Here girl. You up. If you understand any of that, you are in better shape than I am. This is, hey, grow you up, and it's a hot mess out there. Let's get into it. My name is Anna. I'm 40 plus and fabulous. I am out there dating with the rest of you guys. I swipe left. I swipe right. I am not a dating coach, definitely not an expert. And you know what? I will not settle. That's what this episode is all about. And another fellow dater friend, awesomeness boss, author, Grace Lewis is here. Stop. And also she won't settle. That's right. That's how we feel. 100%. I think that, you know, people always ask me, they're like, why are you single? And it's like, for that exact reason. You know, when you're, first of all, when you're looking for the right person, it's gonna take a lot longer, right? Yeah. It depends on the. How long your list is too? Yeah. Of what you're requiring from this person? Yeah. Or what you believe a relationship is. Yeah. So everyone has a different view of what they believe a relationship should be. You know, some people think, you know, they want somebody that's a provider, they want somebody that, you know, they maybe wanna have kids. So that's important to them. So like this person has to provide, they have to provide a house, they have to. You know, be able to be a stable parent, all that sort of stuff. For me, for instance, like I don't wanna have kids, right? So that, none of that really matters to me. So for me, I'm more like, I want a friend, I want somebody, I can truly enjoy their time together. Ah. So I think everybody's opinion of what a relationship is and what they're looking for is very different. No, it's very, very true. Like you and I actually know each other a little bit before. Yes. So just to be clear for everybody else. We are not friends. Friends. We don't go back a billion years, but we met on a reality dating show. Yes. Love show. Yes. So I was of course a director. Yeah. And you were a cast member? Yes. And it's called Marriage Pact on Roku. Yes. And this was a show where people committed to, I believe, 20 or 30 days to see if they wanted to. Get married in the end. So we made a pact at the beginning of the show where we are gonna give it our, we are gonna give it our best, I believe. Right? Give it our best for 20 or 30 days, and at the end, are we gonna get married or not? I remember, and boy, was it a ride. I mean, it was, remind me of the, uh, Marcus Backstory. I mean, yeah, what was your backstory? So the backstory was kind of basic, like we basically. Met a long time ago. We had kind of stayed friends through like Instagram and that sort of stuff, you know, so we knew each other a long time, Uhhuh. Um, and then we kinda rekindled at one point and it was always like, he's like, oh my God, grace, I like you so much, you're so awesome, this and this and this. Yeah. And I mean, you know, just being very honest, like, I knew that it wasn't. A match, but I guess I was challenge, like in my opinion. Yeah, yeah. But I was challenging myself to try something different. Right, right. Because like I had always kind of gone after the same type of guy. Like I was like, I need this, this, this, and this. And so unless if I found that I would just stay single. And so I think in this case, I was kind of exploring the possibility of dating somebody that was not maybe. Hitting all the check marks. He didn't have a very solid career. I see. Laughing immediately when I say this. So let's just start with that. Career. Career is obviously super important. So like, you know, normally I'm dating like guys that have really solid, they don't have a solid career. I'm out. You know, like that's like. The first question, and I never mean it to be like an interview when you first meet somebody, but that's always one of the first questions I ask. I'm like, so what do you do? Because it really does give you an idea of like how somebody's lifestyle is or maybe if they travel for work or, you know what I mean? Like I know, but can I say something like, yeah, go ahead. I'm dating now. Like I feel like I try to suss it out on like their pictures or the background in the pictures, because I feel like it is the most. Shallow question to ask, but I, it's shallow, but No, I wanna know. Yeah. So I'm just trying to circum convene it to seem different where like, but I'm trying to FBI them instead. Yes. Or like, or like, again, I look at the car, in the car picture. Right. You know, like what's going on in there? So the disasters, they're like bags and stuff, stuff. Leather seats. Like I try to look for other financial responsible things like small clues, right? Yeah. And then I Exactly. Now the question still comes, but I try to wait in the texting phase or the connection phase, I try to not ask. And then on the first date, I'll ask, uh, so far, uh, it has not panned out for me, but so don't take this theory right. You know, to, to the market. Yeah, but I agree with you.'cause that is what we wanna know for the reasons you said it's a lifestyle. So again, uh, my past relationship, I paid for everything. I picked DeMar, right? Yes. No career. No future prospects of any kind. Right. And with the, with the headline off, I love him. Right? Like, and I do not wanna add upgrades. The money I spent on this man, don't ever do it because it'll just make you feel worse. I mean, it is, yeah. You really start running the numbers. And I've been there and, and I, it's, and I don't know why successful women do that. Can I ask you, would you make that mistake again? No. And there you go. No, I think that we do it because. Basically we're finding through dating Yeah. That it's impossible to find somebody that matches us. Yep. So then you start digging in the bottom of the barrel, you start going in the trash. You know, because like you're like, okay, I can't find anything here. Right. Yeah. So you start going deep. Yeah. And then you pick something, because a lot of times that's something likes you and they make you feel good. Yeah. So you're like, well, this is better than nothing. Yeah. Somewhere subconsciously, right. And you're willing to accept that at the time. It makes sense.'cause you're like, well, I don't wanna be shallow just because this person doesn't make as much money or any money. I don't wanna judge them on that one factor of life because they're a good person. Yeah. Well you think they're a good person, right? You And you're also projecting who you believe. They could be onto that. Well, that's the, that's the worst part. Yeah. I mean, we all build entire Disney castles Yes. Around this person. Exactly. And now I'm more like, you know what, no more firecrackers. Mm-hmm. I kind of want a fireplace. Right. And I'm actually going to your point of like, I tried something new with Marcus. Which obviously didn't work out right. And we made up with some moron on the show in the bathroom. Oh my God. Do you remember that? Yes. Now I do. It's such a joke. Joke. Such, such a joke. Joke. It's a joke. And it's like, but again, I think he knew he wasn't good enough for me. No, he, I think I knew. Yeah. I think everybody knew. So I think he just was like, all right, this is too hard. I'm giving up. There's nothing you can do. People that are going to do stuff like that. It actually has nothing to do with you at the end of the day. It's just as friends, you should respect me enough. Yeah. To not. Do something like that. You said something like that at the end, and maybe I did. Yeah. I don't really remember. You did, but that's truly how I feel to this day, that like they're, you know, they're unmotivated in general in life, you know, they're unmotivated when it comes to work, they're unmotivated. You know, it's just a very unmotivated personality. So, I mean, I can't say I'm surprised, like how it ended up, but No, me neither. But I wanna switch to dating in general. So, yes, I think. I'm dating like a, like an Olympian. I think you have dated for sure, like an O Olympian. Yeah. So I think you've been dating in Miami. Yep. Atlanta. Yep. New York. Yes. La. Yep. What else did I, did I miss a city? I mean a little bit internationally as well. Okay. Like I'm just like meeting the right person is my primary focus. Oh no. So I don't care geographically. Like I don't have kids, I don't really, I mean, I own some properties and stuff, but it's like that can all be done from afar. Yeah. So for me, and I think that's why I've like moved around to all these cities and like if you have to just summarize dating in, let's say la. Miami, Atlanta, New York. What would be the headline of difference? Yeah, so I will say it is very different. It has to be, you know, being in Miami, you get a lot of guys who are like very showy, but don't really have a lot going on, you know, so like, interesting. You really have to like weed through that, you know? Um, so it's like a style of guy, like they're just not very serious. Like it's, it's all about the show. It's all about, you know, how you're gonna. Make them look. Yeah. And are their friends gonna think you are hot and that sort of stuff. Right. It's like Instagram dating. Yeah. It's, it's like a fake, just subset of dating. Fascinating. For sure. And then new. Okay. Everyone talks so much shit about New York. It's like, I don't get it. Like I. When I moved to New York, I was like, I finally found my people. You know? Yeah. Like, and I've lived in so many different cities, but, uh, I love the directness. Like, I just love the, you know, the realness of the way they do things. I'm not intimidated by it. So for me, finally I was like, I'm, I'm in a friend, friend group that doesn't think I'm too loud and that I like Right. Have too many opinions, you know? And I'm like, this is awesome. But it's kind of the same with the guys. Like I noticed that the guys were more used. To a strong energy from a woman. So for me, I actually had way more success dating in New York than I did any other city. Interesting. Yeah. Like I, when I was in LA, people would always be like, you're too much. I remember the first, the very, I got here in 2005. The very first guy I dated, like picked it up in. Bar. Of course I get into his Lexus and I'm like, okay, we're driving home to his place fucking air mattress on the floor. Yeah. You know? And that's when I was like, okay, I get it. Like this is how you live right now. Granted, I was 28. Yeah. Did I care 28 about anything? No. No, because, but it wasn't. But I did realize having dated in London, dc, New York, oh my God. There's a different fakeness level here. Right. Or the bubble I should say, where everyone is an executive producer. Everyone is a CEO. Yeah. But like, or an investor and you're like, well, what do you invest in? They like, they can't come up with an answer. You're like, God, like come on. I kinda feel like at least have your story. You're like planned out. If you're gonna punch into chat, DPT, 'cause you're about to get caught like cake really for your life. Miami makes sense to me. Yeah, I been that. I love Miami. I love Miami. Miami's fun to party and it's not fun to date in, so I feel bad for anyone living in Miami. Really?'cause it's tough. Oh my God. But no, so New York was like really probably my favorite LAN was a lot of like guys who are like, are you gonna make the perfect wife? Do you wanna have kids? And will my parents like you? Huh? You know what I, interesting. I'm saying like it was way more of that like southern. Like vibe where it's like, you're gonna need to fit into my family. You're gonna need, you are gonna need to. Fit into this box. Interesting. Or it won't work for me. But they were more family orientated you felt? Yes. Yes. Yeah. So I never liked kids, never wanted show. Yeah. But then when I met, uh, Julia, my ex-husband, I, it did change, but only 'cause I met him. What's your journey with. Kids to wanting, not wanting, but wanting and not wanting, and now you're like, I'm done. So I think my thing stems from childhood actually. Okay. I grew up super, super rough, so I had a really rough upbringing and I think that I really held tight that I didn't wanna con that, I didn't wanna repeat that cycle. So I think for me, my want to not have kids came from. Unless if I met a partner who I knew I could be in a super stable relationship with, that would provide a super. You know, stable family environment and be a good, be a good father to the kids that I wasn't willing to take that chance otherwise. And you'll never know that grace, you know that. I mean, but also I never met a guy that I even thought could come close. Fine. So in your case, rough childhood, what were they like? Biggest elements shaped as a human being and relationships and love? Like how was it? I mean, I think, so for me, my parents were domestically abusive towards each other. I mean, to the point where like, my mom, my mom was hospitalized and stuff. So I mean, I think like seeing that and just seeing how, and I've been on my own since I was 15, so like truly on my own, living on my own. So, you know, I. Yeah, like I lived a really rough childhood and I think that I, and, and what's so crazy is that I've managed to put my life back together in such a good way, and then like reinvent who I am and, and the person that I've become today. Yeah. And I'm super proud of that. Of course. But it's, it's like. It's constant work. And I think where has been the most difficult for me, based on how I grew up mm-hmm. Is when I get into relationships, like not being able to, to recognize dysfunction fast enough. And then I think also coupled with that, like me wanting to fix. You know, things like me wanting to help everybody, like, you know, 'cause it's like I never wanna see anybody hurting.'cause like I know what it feels like to hurt truly. Yeah. So I'm always like, even in a social circle, I'm like, are you okay? Do you feel okay? Like if I notice somebody's like off or not doing well, like I wanna. Go over and make sure they're okay. So obviously coming from, and I'm assuming financially maybe not the best. I don't Oh yeah. Like super poor, super, like we didn't have food a lot of times. Like we didn't, okay. Yeah. You know, we didn't have hot water. Like it was like, you know, we were like boiling water on the stove and then mixing it with cold water to shower and like crazy stuff. And the only reason we had a, had a home for the majority of. My childhood was because my grandparents like gave us somewhere to live, but we also had six people living in an 800 square foot house. Like, you know, no heat, like for a long time in Michigan in the winter. Like it was nuts. And that's crazy. I think that's why for me, being financially secure was so important. I don't know where you as a 15-year-old put your. Your emotional basement. Yeah. And what's in under there to function, right? Yeah. Because they, I can only imagine you're in survival mode. Yeah. You don't, you don't have time for anything else because you're literally just trying to survive. You just don't realize how difficult even the simplest things are. When, like when I tried to get my passport for the first time, I was 20 years old, Uhhuh, and I didn't have my birth certificate, didn't have a copy of my birth certificate. I'm 20 years old. I'm like, where do you even get a birth certificate? You know what I mean? Like how do I even figure this out? Like, you know, so it's like the littlest things become like the biggest hurdles you have to jump and I was able to take. The anger I had for the situation. Mm-hmm. And use it as gas to fuel my fire. Mm-hmm. And, and. Prove everybody wrong, you know? So I think like, as I've chose to grow and heal and work on myself, it's like you're taking one more step away from the general population. Now it's even harder to find somebody. Yeah. So how do I find these people? Okay. You know what I'll say though is here's what I think with, with older dating, I think, I mean, I keep thinking like, Hey, your next man is, is, is, is a week away from signing his divorce papers. Mm-hmm. I feel what I will say, there's a whole slew of men. Yes. Now that's. Stayed because of the kids that stayed. Like I see a little bit of a difference from like thirties and now my forties. I know you're not there yet. Yeah, a hundred percent. There's definitely like, how about this? Like women, when you're past the early thirties and twenties, I do see a difference. Yes, there is. I basically, I think there's hope over one and I think there's a new shoe of men that have gone through like all the work. Like the other day I connected with this man who asked me on, I think his second question on Bumble was, you know what? Did you learn from your past relationship that you don't want to bring into your current? Second question? I loved it. Love that. Super emotionally intelligent, right? Love it. So I said to, so he and, and he even went crazy. He even said, I'll go first, then wrote a whole thing, which was like totally tuned in a check mark, check mark, check mark. I replied to him, Hey, my thumbs are gonna break. Yeah, but here's my number and I will tell you yes. He then proceeds to tell me on the phone that, listen, I asked that question and women unmatched me, of course. And I said. That was the best question I've ever seen on Bumble and it's interesting you said right away. I love that question. Yes, there are a bru of men I hope. Praise to like for sure. With the pennies, I think there's sub pennies coming in maybe. Yes. Like yeah, you're always circling new ones in. That's what I'm saying. I think there's like a weird time sometimes in your late thirties like, or whatever. It can be a weird time. But I think that like the, the divorcees are coming in and, and they have learned. Yes. So let's hope for, you know, I'm, I'm hopeful. Okay. Yes. So you have been obviously online dating, but I think also matchmaking. Yeah. So I mean, I think for me, I discovered pretty quickly dating apps not my thing. You know, it became kind of like a waste of time. Mm-hmm. Um, like, let me try this matchmaking service. So, um, I tried one and. It was a disaster. Like it was almost worse. The dating apps. Really? Yes. It was the first two dates I went on, like this guy shows up the first date, shows up totally disheveled, like totally hygiene wise. Unacceptable for a date. Like, it's just like, just unacceptable in general. But like, I'm like, did you brush your teeth today? Like your hair is dirty. Like when's the last time you showered? Like, I'm embarrassed to be at this table with you, but I'm also not gonna like get up and run out on a date.'cause you don't know emotionally where somebody else is. So while I probably had the right to do it, I chose not to. So like I just painfully sat through this date. Um, and then the next guy was just like. Bitter against the world. And again, like just really not appropriately put together. How did they pass up for the day? Matchmaking service. Like that's what, what I'm saying, like I just literally, I called like my matchmaker Uhhuh and was like, do you, do you even care who you're putting me out with? She's like, we interview all the guys. Like, I don't know. It was just bad luck and all this stuff and I was like, I'm out. And then actually more recently, um, I started to work with Patty Spangler, the. The, the party only not, um, and she, she has a new show now called The Matchmaker. So I also went on that and um, again, like I think that they matched me with somebody that was closer to what I'm looking for, but the whole premise of me being on the show was that I shouldn't be dating down. But I found it interesting because the person that they matched me with. It was a dating down situation. In what way? Like specifically financially. The guy was super good looking, really nice guy, Uhhuh. Um, and you know, it did we, you know, we ended up going on a couple dates, like just wasn't a fit. But I mean, like when we started talking about. You know, where he was financially, like where he lived, all this sort of stuff. Like we did a FaceTime. Mm-hmm. And like you said, I was looking for clues. So we do this FaceTime and like I can see what's going on in the back of his apartment. And I'm like, yeah, are you living like, and I didn't say this, but it was very clear. He is like living in some basement apartment somewhere with these like little tiny windows on the top. And I'm just like, this isn't my lifestyle. This isn't like what? I'm working towards, you know, oh, that's not gonna work. So, no. So I quickly realized it was a dating down situation again, and I'm like, okay, well this was, you know, I mean, grace, there has to be something my, you know, my happily married sister, I sent her photos of these guys and she goes FB in the background. I zoomed in on his salt and pepper shaker. Yeah. What is that? Yeah, what Is there a hanger? And look at this book, and she goes, uh, did you see the portrait of the cat in the background? Yes. She's like, Nope, no, nope. No. I have a couple of friends, Lindsay, she knows who she is, but like I always will be like, yeah, I started dating this guy. And she's like, send me his name, and she's immediately going to work, you know? And she's like, is this him? I found this, I found this. And I'm, and I'm always like busting up. I'm like, girl, you are a scary detective. Like it's scary. I'm never getting on your bad side because, so I wanted to move on. We have something here called Regret relapse. Okay. Dating, love, life, whatever we tapped into, there's always full of regrets. Always. So here's a regret, roulette, uh, grace, okay? You are gonna spin this wheel. It will land on a subject you will have to spill as a story. So let's go one story. Go ahead, spin it. All right. Ooh, ghosting. Ghosting was a good one. All right. So I personally have not ghosted that I am aware of. Okay. Um, because I'm super direct. So like, as you said, you text the guy and you were like, you know, it's just like, I wish you the best. But I didn't feel the chemistry. I very much that way. Like I think. That people really have to be vulnerable and put themselves out there when they're dating Uhhuh. So I try to have at least that much respect. Okay. I definitely have probably been ghosted before. I mean, nothing like comes to mind that I'm like, oh, this was terrible. No. Like big ghosting stories to decide. Decide. It's great. Only on ghosted person in the whole world. No, I think she needs to get a fucking medal. This is ridiculous. I don't know. I think I don't. But also I will tell you like if I'm out on a date with a guy and I'm like, this isn't a fit, like I'll just be like, oh my God, I had so much fun with you. But like, I don't think. I don't, we're gonna do this again. I, what to say? Like my go story. I was on a date. Uh, please tell like a week ago. Well, I'm just gonna tell you, most recent one, since we're dating like the fucking Olympics, it's a, you and I could run a relay race. We literally Good. Keep asking the baton. Oh no. So this guy, I meet him in a bar and he come in and I actually had this Zza zoo. Like, he comes in, he's handsome, he's like, Hey, do you wanna do a second drink? Second drink? It's a good call, right? Which he goes, Hey, and I have a. Very big house in Arizona. Do you like the desert? And I'm like, not a massive desert person, but you know, with the right circumstance, right? Gimme a star and you know, a, uh, tequila sunrise and I'm in and he goes, yeah, it's about five hour drive. He starts describing this house and I'm just like, oh, again. Disney Castles, right? Yep. It's like, and then I get out, uh, I'm waiting for my Uber. He waits for me, opens the door, and he's like, you know what? This was great. Gives me like a kiss on the cheek with like a hand around the waist and I'm coming home. I'm like, do do, everyone's like, how'd it go? I'm like, uh, so good next day. So I go on the app.'cause we actually had never exchanged phone numbers. We were just talking on the app. Right. I wake up and unmatched. All that buildup. What a crazy guy. I think he's just going like a fucking ghost and I'm just like. Told my friends, I'm like, why do we have to lean into the house in Arizona? Describe it, right? Like why take it that deep? Why go that deep bro? Unnecessary? Why even second drink, we can sit there and you can, because uh, another guy I went on a drink with, we kind of felt it wasn't working out. We had one drink and he was like, it was so nice meeting you. And I was like, Uhhuh. And we both knew, right? So anyway, that's my ghosting story, which is like. Insanity. Right? It's just unnecessary. Yeah. Let's regret this regret. So I have, again, I'm just gonna say it one more time. Grace Lewis is the only un ghosted woman in the United States and possibly abroad. And uh, we might have to put you in a museum. I love it. Okay, so micromanage as I'm dating, I'm learning this stuff. So micromanage. I heard. Do you think you know what it is? I did not know. I mean, I could guess, shall I give a guess? Micro is like a quick romance that then. No. Okay. What is that? The word in the world micromanage is small gestures now considered romantic. Meaning that you can be a big gesture girl, right? Or guy like, I want jewelry, I want a flight somewhere. I want my house covered in roses or. Micro man, which apparently basically setting a playlist or a meme. So I guess my question is, are you a my micro man or grace you think, or are you a grand gestures? Um, I'm definitely more grand gestures. Me too. Like, I'm like, go big or go home because I don't got time for anything else Lazy. Like if you don't, if you don't see the value to, to grand gesture me? No. Then like I'm, I'm, I don't have the time either. Listen, you can go out and get like. Daisies for 20 cents at the flower market. Literal. But if I come home with this a hundred days, I will like that. That's a buy for me. That's the best. Exactly. Do you know what I mean? Like it doesn't have to be thousands of dollars. No. It's an effort. Yes. That's just an excuse. Agreed. I'm commending you. It's just like Right.'cause you're broke and lazy. Exactly. No, I, that's dumb. Yes. Okay. Agreed. I'm like, see grace and I agree on everything. We, we should be dating. I know. I know. I was just gonna say, I'm like, we should be dating. Okay. So, uh, red flags. Green flags. Yes. We have a segment that we call flagged or bagged. Okay. So I'm gonna hand you red flag and a green flag. I love a good thing. I'm gonna just read some statements. Now. There is the option of no flag, but we try to have an opinion, which I think there's no shortage of opinion. Not with me, with, uh, Grace Lewis, our, our fancy boss lady. Um, okay. A guy who has a selfie with his cat on his profile. I So paragraph texting like a, okay. Green flag. I like it takes the time. He takes the time to type. It might be a psycho, but he also takes the time. So you got a green flag If we're choosing one. Okay. He takes it, that's fine. No, we having more than two drinks on the first date. See a drinker, a fellow drinker. A fellow drinker. I'm not judging like at this age. You do you I did learn though. I had a coffee date, uh, after a drink date and I was like, I'm going to drink dates. I need it. Me too. And, and, and I'm sorry. And I make some decisions, cocktail and. Enjoy. You know, coffee date was too, it was too daytime for me. It's so stuffy. I felt like I was on K call nine news. Yeah. I felt very like, yes. What? Yes. Agreed. No more coffee dates. Agreed. Also, I'm like putting a little more effort than that. Yeah. I'm gonna do a fucking FaceTime then and like don't waste my time then at all. Either like. And that's big. It's either like go in and put some real effort. Mm-hmm. Or just I'd rather not at all. So I say no to coffee dates. I say no to coffee dates too. It's a waste of my time. And again, I've been to die bars. I can go to a taco truck. Yeah. And all these options, it's, I think people misunder men and misunder. It's planning, right? Yes. You can make an effort. See effort and the planning. Okay. Admits he lied about his age on his profile on the first date. Red flag because if he's lying about his age, what else is he lying about? That's what I think. But you know, they come with these excuses. Like PR producer, Sarah sh when I started dating, she had been dating longer and she was just like, oh, they're all gonna say that. What did she say? She said, oh, uh, it's uh, that my friend made me do it. Yeah. Like as in my friend thinks I look younger or the app can't change it. And then I said to her, oh my God, that's just what this guy said. Like, yeah, but you're starting a relationship with a bunch with lies and then excuses. This is a good one. 48 broke, but you have amazing connection. Good. Not going down that road again. Hey, same thing. Uh, you know who you are, okay? A man who is separated but not divorced. Red flag. Okay. The worst can take time though, grace. It can, but again, like I'm not interested in wasting my time while somebody else is figuring their stuff out. You know what I'm saying? Because like you're, it's, it's kind of like being a, um, what is that called when you're the other one? Marriage. Oh, like an affair? Yeah, like an affair partner. But what, yeah. So like, it, like you don't, you don't wanna be the ap? Yeah, no, because it's like at, at any moment things could change. You have no idea the depth of that relationship. They're clearly just getting out of a relationship. They probably still need time to heal. There's like a million reasons why that's a no. Um, yeah, I agree a little bit, but I'm now being a bit, what would you say, uh, hypocritical because my divorce took a very long time with my ex, so I was the person that you would not wanna be with right now. It's different. There is like we were completely done. I agree with you, but how did you know that? You just don't know. So you're adding another element of potential ruin to an already very difficult situation, right? Like dating online is already not in your favor. You know, so for me, I'm just like, nah, it's just a path. I don't wanna, I feel though I, I might have to give that person a pass because I did it. Alright, fine. This fake different flags. It's okay. We can still be friends. We can still be friends. We just can't date now. We can't that, that was it, that was the deal breaker for everybody. We, we go be so, we were going so strong. We were like, okay, someone who talks smack about their ex. Agreed. That means they're all fucked up. I learned that the whole way too. And they're also not over it.'cause like they're clearly angry still. They're clearly like, you know, they're just not ready to move on. Like for me, my relationship ended almost five. My serious relationship ended five years ago, and I'm like, at first I had such strong opinions. Now I'm just like that poor guy. Like that poor guy, like he just didn't have what it takes. Like, it's like, nah. You know? It just wasn't a fit. We just didn't have the tools to like deal with each other. Yeah. And it's what it is. I learned so much from this man. I got a fucking PhD in Love Life. Yes. And you do. And I sat there being like, oh my God, this man has just not met a nice lady. Yes. Well, it was worth a try $40,000 later. Uh, anyway. Okay. On a first date someone asks you about like your favorite sexual positions or position. Oh, okay. Don't liking that on the first date? No, because I'm like, there are so many other things if you're serious about dating. Mm-hmm. There like for a long-term purpose, there are so many other things we need to talk about. Yeah. Before we talk about sex, but I fucked it. I fuck it up when they ask, I give a very candid answer and now I'm sending them down on. On a different road. Yes. So that was like, they, their mind is like on a one track after that point. Yeah, after that point. And it gets me into trouble because I, I'm very open and I think guys use that as like a tool to test where you are. That process, right? Yeah. So like, am I gonna have to take this girl? That's like a predator's way to test how many times they're gonna have to take you out on a date. Oh. Before they get to sleep with you. Oh, for sure. And so for me, I'm like, if that's what you're interested in, like I'm outta here. No time for this. I think, uh, we we're gonna, the hashtag, uh, we're gonna learn. Yeah. So I learned. But there needs to be a dating app where really it's like where it says like somebody's. True. Like what their dictionary is. Right? So it's like, I wanna know if they rent a home. Yes. I wanna know if they live in an apartment. Yes. I wanna know if they have roommate. I wanna know if you have a strong personality. I actually wanna know. I wanna know if Yeah, yeah. The things that actually, no. That actually matter. I tell you something, I don't give a fuck about your language. Language. I could not care less about my life. I don't care. Your store sign. Yeah. I care about Do you, do you fucking own a home? Yes. Do you rent a home? I'm cool with that. You still buy? Yeah. You still pay money? Do you have roommates? I can't believe I have to ask that question at at 48 at at this age. I know. Come on. Just gimme some basics. Right. You know? Right. Okay. You know what I think you should do? So listen, you're fucking fabulous. You're single. Let's say we start a hey grow updating site. What would be your video bio? Remember back in the day there was a VHS tapes. Yeah. You might know 'cause you're younger than I am. But no, I do remember people, the dating these, these VHS tapes. I'm looking for someone who's looking for me. I keep my car very clean and I expect a man to do the same. And I also like very meaty men. I don't know how to ride a horse and my goal in life is to have my own religion. Yes. So use your mic. That's your camera. What's your like quick bio video from Grace? Go ahead. Grace. What's there? I'm Grace. No, I'm kidding. Okay. I'm Grace. Um, I'm 37 years old. I won't take care of you, but you can take care of me. No, this is going so terribly. No. See how supposed to, how are we supposed to swipe on you? No, no, no. They're not gonna swipe on me. Maybe this is why. Maybe we just figured out why I'm single. Okay. Okay. We could have saved all this time. We could have saved all this fucking time, grace. No, no, no. For real. I'm Grace. I am 37 years old. Fabulous. And you know, I'm just looking for a nice guy. I'm gonna start a dating service for you. I'm gonna match with you. Please, please. Because I'll do probably a better job than matchmakers. I would kill it as a matchmaker. I would kill it because I actually care. So I want everyone to be happy. What you can't do to yourself. Exactly. Yeah. There's a problem here. Okay. I'm gonna hit you with two viewer questions. I mean, I can't control these questions. These are just kinda okay flying in hard. Lay 'em on me over to Grace Lewis or uh, Olympian Date. I'm matched. I'm matched with a man who's divorced with kids, has a great job with great benefits, great personality, good morning texts and long conversations. Okay? But I met up with him and I noticed that he has a bad black tooth with a silver cap, which is kind of like a deal breaker for me. Am I being too picky? Just take him to the dentist. Good. Solve the problem. Take you to the dentist. This guy seems to be great. You can let a black tooth with a silver calf stand in your way. Okay, good one for you. I'm 47. Never married, no kids because I refuse to settle. Why do people think there's something wrong with me? I mean, I can relate to this slightly. Um, I think people think, I, I think don't settle. I think the time hasn't come for you. I think either you are not ready. Or you haven't met your person yet. But I also think that like if I, and again, as someone who's dating now, but serial monogamist, yeah. It's easy to throw out this phrase. I won't settle Bec. But it also, that implies that you've had opportunities and no one was good enough for you. I'm just telling you sometimes what I hear when I say it and what I hear. I agree with that though. So there is something about like, I just had opportunities but they weren't good enough. Right. But that's why I'm saying that either you are not ready. The timing isn't right for you, because that's actually a phrase that I've used many times I'm not gonna settle. And where that comes from is I, I feel like I've had a lot of opportunities, like good guys that, you know, made money, whatever, but either I wasn't ready or the timing wasn't right. Fine. Okay. Well, this last one. Okay. I went out with a guy and we had a fantastic first date. It lasted three hours and we left a lot. I sent a follow-up text to let him know I had a great time, and he said. I just didn't feel a connection. I'm so tempted to go off on him for wasting my time. I mean, the guy's probably in sales, he just was, you know, dealing, he was just having a good time with you. That sort of stuff. You can't take it personally, you know, like everyone's in a different place in their, their journey, their, their path on, you know, finding a relationship and yeah. Just wanna take that personally. I wanna take it personally. And last thing I wanna say about that, it's kinda like if you just wasted her time, which is what she's writing about. Yeah. Why are you wasting more time reaching out to him? That's to say than you wasted your time. That's That's true as well. So you're just kind of creating more wasted time. Dating is not for the week. This is true. It's not. And you just gotta cut through it. Gotta be resilient. I will say that to us. Hey, all our guests are perfect. 10, you might be on 11 for us. So we're gonna fire off our perfect 10 questions. For our perfect 10 guest. Okay. Grace Lewis, are you ready? I'm ready. Okay. What is the most romantic gesture someone has ever done for you? I, a guy that I dated one time, he, um, took all this time to buy all this food, make all this food for us. He like set up a little date with a little flour and a candle and all this cute stuff on the table. The point was that he spent all that time in the planning phase and I just loved that. That is super cute. That was sweet. It doesn't, yeah. You know, back to the daisies, right? Yes. Um, okay. What is the best piece of dating love advice you've ever received? Hmm. When you'd get knocked down, just get up again. What would you lie about on a dating app? I would so lie about where I live. I would lie about hiking. I fucking hate hiking and this town is obsessed with it. Every man is like hiking, so I'd be like, I love hiking. This is an accurate information. Don't run in. Yeah. Yeah. So I just, uh, I'm gonna, uh, get caught lying in 4K and uh, this is what's up. Okay. What is the quality you most delore in a partner? Um, somebody that's not loyal. What turns you on? Kindness kind acts not even towards me, but in general, like seeing that somebody's kind and then I need to have a strong intellectual connection with somebody to be turned on. What's a toxic trait in someone else that you secretly enjoy? Uh, a little bit of crazy, a little bit of crazy. I know it's not good, but I, it excites me. For me when they don't read text me and don't get in touch with me. I'm more interested. Text. It's like the bad boy syndrome thing. What is that? Yeah. Last one. When I bump into you in a year from now, what is the personal glow up? We will be celebrating, oh, I think my glow up is going to be the release of my book Choosing Grace. Um, it'll be coming out this fall and I'm super excited about it because it was. It was a process writing it, and it took a really long time. And I have mad respect for all authors now because I realize how, how difficult that process is. And for me it's a sharing of my personal story in order to help others. Um, and. It's easy, it's easier to sit here and talk about fluently with a friend, somebody that I know you know about my story. And but to sit down and actually put it in text in writing, um, was much more difficult than I realized it would ever be. Finally, it's, it's coming to a close. We got the rough draft finished and it's due to release this fall, and I'm super excited about it and I really hope that, um, it'll help a lot of people. Is, is really the goal. It'll be available on Amazon and Barnes and Nobles too. That's perfect. So we're excited. Yeah. I love it. We're so happy for you. Thank you so much. Like, it's such a perfect full circle. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Listen, this is, Hey grow you up. Uh, the answer to that is always, you know, I think we did settle Absolutely right. We settle. Please check us out on our socials and thank you so much. Until next time, let's keep dating next up on hey, grow you up. She's 83, he's 65, and they're both getting more action than you and your Hal friend.