Pap Smear Podcast

Pap Smear Appointment #1: Fake Weddings, Freezing Eggs and F**k Playing Nice

• Alison Victoria • Season 1 • Episode 1

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In this raw, no-holds-barred debut, Alison Victoria shreds the script, flips the table and sets fire to the filtered version of herself you’ve seen on TV. Why start a podcast? Because she’s tired of playing by the rules.

She breaks it all down – from her fake wedding (yes, that happened) to surviving 24 rounds of egg freezing that pushed her to the edge. No sugarcoating. No soft lighting. Just the messy, complicated and sometimes hilarious truth about life behind the scenes.

If you’re looking for the real Alison - the one who’s been through hell and came back laughing – you just found her.

Ready to go deep? Hit play.

✨New episodes drop every Tuesday✨
Available wherever you get your podcasts.
Want more? Join us at @papsmearpodcast + @thealisonvictoria

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jax@brieflygorgeousproductions.com
christine@brieflygorgeousproductions.com

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the inaugural Pap Smear podcast.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, it's my favorite name.

SPEAKER_00:

It's your favorite

SPEAKER_01:

name, but when you first heard it, you died. I said, yeah. I said, you cannot call it that. It has to be P.S. But then you were the one that gave me

SPEAKER_00:

the idea to say P.S. So when I thought, wait a minute, I could... If people won't say that. Right. So here's how the podcast name started. I'm on a plane. I'm with Brant. my boyfriend, who is the funniest person in the world. And I said, I just can't find a name. What should it be? And I had all these ideas and I went through all these things about like, what am I going to talk about? How is this going to be interesting? Why is it interesting? And then Brant says to me, he goes, you want people to be vulnerable, right? That's what people, whenever I do podcasts, everyone wants me to be my vulnerable self. And they just get that when I do it. Cause I've always been just vulnerable. Yeah. You've always been real. Like an, an unapologetic. Right. Right. And like Brant said, what's your most vulnerable moment as a woman, as a human? Like where, when are you the most vulnerable? And I was like, I guess when I get a pap smear, he goes crazy. What does that mean? You go in the doctor, you spread your legs on the stirrups. You're fully out there. You're like, here's who I am.

SPEAKER_01:

And they're in there.

SPEAKER_00:

They're in there. And I don't care how cool you act. Oh, and I don't care how comfortable you are, which I am. But when I'm in stirrups and my Whole self is out. I kind of like pretend to talk to her and I'm like having conversations. Cause

SPEAKER_01:

it's like nervous talk or chatter.

SPEAKER_00:

Fully nervous.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean,

SPEAKER_00:

but like you're, you're most vulnerable and Brant goes, that's it. Pap smear. I go pap smear podcast. I'm dying laughing on the plane. He's like, that's it. He goes, what do they do in a pap smear? I'm like, I don't know. I think they like scrape something or scratch something to get like some like DNA and like send it in. He goes, uh-huh. Okay. Uh-huh. And I said, well, then I could say like, you know, we're, we're not just scratching the surface. We're going to go deeper. And he goes, that's it. Then the more I talk to people about it, whether it was you or anyone else, I'm like, he wants me to name it Pap Smear Podcast. And people, same reaction, laughing their asses off.

SPEAKER_01:

Because it's, but it's so perfect for you. Yeah. Because it's always, it's never the same with you. It's never rehearsed. It's always something different. Yeah. I mean, I just feel like that's what I'm saying. Like getting to the surface, going deeper is the perfect thing.

SPEAKER_00:

Don't just scratch. Is that what they do in the pap? Don't they like scrape your cervix or something? Yeah,

SPEAKER_01:

that's what they do to make sure that you don't have cancer cells or whatever. Like anything. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You're vulnerable. You're Exposed. Exposed is a very good word. That's a good word. So it's like, how do I expose?

SPEAKER_01:

What do you mean? How do I? Yeah. Yeah. Every day you expose yourself, I feel like, with filming, in your personal life. Well, not exposing. I'm not like bearing it all or showing it all. No, I don't mean being naked, but just being open.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Always. Well, I've always been that way. And I feel like, how do I get to a different level where I'm doing the interview? I'm asking the questions, but also through asking the questions, I'm revealing something about me that people don't know because I think all people know is that like I'm a designer or all people know is that I've gone through a rough patch in my career with the lawsuits or now they know about my love life. Like, but what else do people know? Like they don't know that much. And through Windy City Rehab, you know, my goal with that show was to like be real and authentic and show my real self. That's why I created Windy City. I was like, how do I show something real about the business? You're in the business. You're an interior designer. You're not just my best friend. Like you live this life of design.

SPEAKER_01:

That's how we first met.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

That was our first, I mean, I think you were almost 19? I

SPEAKER_00:

was 19. 19. I just moved to Vegas. I had

SPEAKER_01:

just moved here recently, back from New York.

SPEAKER_00:

Either way, you were in this design firm that I ended up getting a job with when I was in college, and you and I hit it off immediately at the design firm. And I would

SPEAKER_01:

ask you, so you worked for my best friend, right? And I would literally, you would be in the workroom pulling fabrics and I'd be like, Alison, what are you working on? Because I'm thinking, she's not a, she's not, Nicole doesn't want her. to be doing this. Like, what is she doing? And you'd be like, I'm just, I'm just working on a few things. I'm really like, I just love it so much that I just have to start doing my own thing. Like, I really want to just develop and learn. You

SPEAKER_00:

were just a

SPEAKER_01:

sponge.

SPEAKER_00:

Fully immersed in the design process. And like you were an accountant.

SPEAKER_01:

So that's a long story.

SPEAKER_00:

You were in the back typing away. Because our

SPEAKER_01:

accountant quit. So I had to work. But I was really in a... Well, I started out as an assistant. For

SPEAKER_00:

me, at 19, I come into this job where I'm trying to be a sponge and learn everything about the design industry. And I meet you. It was the best thing that ever happened. And you and I have been friends now for... 20-some years. 25 years. Almost. So if I was 19 and I'm 44 now... even though the internet shows that I'm 43, which I love. Oh, well,

SPEAKER_01:

that's good. God, I love it. I love that,

SPEAKER_00:

too. But, like, does the internet really say all the truth? I have no idea. It likes to talk about my net worth. It likes to talk about my age, which is wrong, but in my favor. And then at the same time, I thought— What about

SPEAKER_01:

you being married?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I love how it says I was married. That you were married. Yeah. Well, I was married. Were you? No. Yeah, I think I was married. Okay. Because a marriage doesn't need to necessarily be a piece of paper. Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

If that's how you want to spin it.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, I don't think I'm spinning it. I had every intention of getting married. I know. I went to the wedding. You were absolutely a part of this chapter of my life, which no one knows, but like... it's hard to explain when you're not in it, but like, you know, cause you're my best friend. But I think it's funny. Cause it's like, people are like, Oh yeah, you were married. Or I read about like me being divorced or whatever. And I, in my head go, okay, well I was legit engaged to be married with somebody who I wanted to marry. Cause I said, yes.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes. Of course.

SPEAKER_00:

Who I had high hopes for. And I was like, how old was I even? So like I, I, was with this guy who I was very much in love with. I met him on Match.com. I did a commercial, by the way, fun fact for match.com. So people should Google that because it's so funny as commercial. My name is Alison Victoria. I am the kitchen crasher. I am someone that gets to change spaces and change lives every single week. There is no time to think. There's just a gut feeling. There's instinct and there is trusting your judgment. It's about the homeowner and it's about what they love. That moment is what makes that space so successful. When it came time to to figure out my personal life. Using a dating website was perfect for my lifestyle. It was something that worked for friends and family, and I thought this can work for me. I knew for sure that Luke was the one after our very first date. We met at a rainy baseball game, and the weather was bad, but meeting him was perfect. From the moment I logged on to the day we met at the game to the day we got engaged, this has truly been one of the most amazing experiences of my life. And now we are planning a wedding. This success story brought to you by Match.com. Now I was moving back from Vegas to Chicago. Yeah. And I wanted to meet someone in Chicago. So I go on Match, look only in Chicago, meet this guy. We start talking. We have a date planned, but we're both going to be at the Cubs game at the same time before our date. So we decide we're going to meet over by like one of the concessions.

SPEAKER_01:

See, I don't even know this story.

SPEAKER_00:

Really? No,

SPEAKER_01:

I

SPEAKER_00:

do not. We meet over to get like a hot dog. I don't know who I was with or what was going on. I know I wasn't on another date, but I wanted to like see him in person. So I go and I meet him and he like leaves his friends and meets me. And it was like, this is it. Like, this is good. He's super hot. He's funny. I got to know him on the phone anyway. And I'm like, okay. So the date was going to be even better. I don't even remember where we went on our first date, but I remember meeting him at the Cubs game. So long story short. We fall in love. You know him. We laughed. Because you

SPEAKER_01:

brought him here to meet me.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

You guys were at my house. Yeah. We had like a small party for you.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. The one where I was rolling around in dog shit. In my dog shit.

SPEAKER_01:

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00:

In the backyard. Because you were so drunk. Done. Rolling around in your backyard just being me. And

SPEAKER_01:

I remember me and my husband were just looking at you going... how is this guy ever, how could he handle her? Like no one can handle her. Well,

SPEAKER_00:

don't say no one.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I mean, at that point, at that point in your

SPEAKER_00:

life,

SPEAKER_01:

you were

SPEAKER_00:

just crazy. Remember we slept on your couch that night and I ripped my extensions out. I had clip-ins. I still have them. I still wear them sometimes. I threw them on your floor. And then we woke up and had the best morning the next morning, like talking over coffee. You guys got to know him. He seemed a little... A little freaked out, I thought. About my

SPEAKER_01:

extensions?

UNKNOWN:

No.

SPEAKER_01:

About me? The whole... We had a great time. We had the best time. But it was a lot. Yeah. For him, I thought. You got to know him. Everyone got to know him. Yes, he was very sweet. I really liked him. I really liked him, too. I know. You were in love with him. I hope if you were going to marry him.

SPEAKER_00:

I was very much in love with him. Okay. Very much in love with him. You know that. You know that. Yes, yes. And I had... He

SPEAKER_01:

was a great

SPEAKER_00:

guy. I mean, he was a great guy at that point. I end up putting an offer in and like a week later they call me and they're like, you've got the house. I get this house, single family home, brownstone built in 1905. And all of a sudden now I'm a homeowner. Luke lived here on the corner and a condo two doors down is the house. So we move into the house together and start renovating it. living upstairs while downstairs was built. Which is a lot for a couple. That's a lot. For anybody. Totally. And at that time, I'm doing the show Kitchen Crashers. He's doing his business, and I'm living with Luke, and we're very in love, and it's perfect, and we get engaged in Paris. I mean, it's a fairy tale. Fairy tale. Under the Eiffel Tower, on a picnic blanket, champagne truffles... A lot of champagne. Fun fact, I wake up the next morning after getting engaged, sleeping on the closet floor without a ring on. And I wake up, I'm like, what happened? And he's in the bed. And I'm like, I barely remember this. I'm like, what happened? He goes, well, you had some cocktails and some champagne. We got engaged and then like you were like running around like a squirrel to all these other blankets talking to people

SPEAKER_01:

and like inviting people. That seems very you.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Inviting people back to our blanket to like hang out. And anyway, apparently like that was just a rough night. So I slept on the floor. We go back to Chicago. I don't know if you know any of this. And I said to him,

SPEAKER_01:

I remember like the story, but I was here in Vegas living my life and you were kind of in Chicago. So we were kind of at a distance at that

SPEAKER_00:

point,

SPEAKER_01:

but

SPEAKER_00:

still talking. But I maybe remember this, but I said that I wanted to get a prenup. Oh, I do remember this. And he said, no. He was like, no. What did

SPEAKER_01:

he do? Insurance?

SPEAKER_00:

He was insurance agent. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

That's right.

SPEAKER_00:

And I was like taken aback. I'm like, what? Like, why? Why?

SPEAKER_01:

What was his reasoning? I don't remember.

SPEAKER_00:

Something to the extent of I said, well, what do you think you deserve if we break up? And he was kind of like, well, half of everything you have.

SPEAKER_01:

And that's when you just started doing crashers, flipping houses and starting to make some money.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And I just remember sitting in that going, God, I don't know about that. He was like, well, my parents didn't have a prenup. I'm like, well, we're not your parents. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, that started slowly becoming like the demise of our relationship because I'm sitting there resentful of him not wanting a prenup. I'm sitting there going, well, I just want to do what's fair and also to protect myself. Like you got to protect yourself before you wreck yourself. Okay. Yeah. They're lyrics for a reason. And I was trying to protect myself. And I just remember going, this isn't okay. So I ended up getting a lawyer to start drafting up prenup papers. And I remember giving it to him and he was like, no. And I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do now? I'm now going to get, like the wedding's planned. The save the dates are out. Shame on me for letting it go that far. Shame on me for both of us. Your

SPEAKER_01:

venue is booked. Everything's

SPEAKER_00:

booked. Everything is paid for. I have that big engagement party. Remember the like great Gatsby style? Did you pay

SPEAKER_01:

for things or did you, was it half? Did you go in half? I can't, I thought you

SPEAKER_00:

paid. I don't want to speak out of term here, but like I paid for most of it. I

SPEAKER_01:

thought you did. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And now mind you, I did want fancy stuff. Like our engagement party was called,

SPEAKER_01:

it

SPEAKER_00:

was called Midnight in Paris and it was like flapper style, 20 style. And I just remember like nothing felt exciting, even though there was excitement around getting married and Like the idea of getting married. Yeah. There was very little excitement because there was so much turmoil back at home where it was like, I'm growing more and more resentful that he wouldn't do the prenup. Things are becoming strained.

SPEAKER_01:

I think you knew that something was up with him. That was the moment. Yeah. And that's why. And why is that? And I just think it's a gut feeling.

SPEAKER_00:

I think it's one of those things where it's like looking back now and learning so much about gut feelings and red flags about like yourself, like pay attention to them. Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

This

SPEAKER_00:

doesn't feel right inside. So make a decision, but I'm also super young. I'm excited about the concept of this marriage. I'm confused. Am I just like cold feet? Like, is this what that means? I thought that's what I had. I'm like, okay, this is what it is. Fast forward to the rehearsal dinner. Okay. Yes. Now I'm deep in. A deep in. Prior to the rehearsal dinner, I called my brother, Jamie. And I said, and like, I haven't talked about this or told anyone this. Who was the officiant of this wedding? My brother's the officiant of the wedding.

SPEAKER_01:

Correct.

SPEAKER_00:

And I said to him, whatever you do, don't get ordained. Don't go online. Don't make it official. Well, nobody

SPEAKER_01:

knew. Not even me. Nobody knew, except for Jamie. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And my brother, Jamie, who I love and adore and who is like the keeper of all secrets, he was like, whatever you want. You're my sister. I love you. I trust you. that this is, but are you making the right decision? Like, why don't you just not do this? And I was like, no, Jamie, I love him. This is right. Like, I just, let's just get through the wedding and then like let life go back to normal. And then like he and I can get married at the courthouse, right? Like let's let things, let's let things settle down and let's let like nature take its course. And like, then I'll get married in the courthouse. I had the whole vision. And he still hadn't signed the prenup. Did not sign the prenup.

SPEAKER_01:

How did you feel about

SPEAKER_00:

that? I felt terrible. I felt like I'm not being true to myself. Why am I doing this? So obviously I stopped myself from getting legally married by telling my brother not to get ordained. by not sharing this with anyone, by walking down the aisle with my father, who, by the way, I don't regret that for a minute. I have no regrets. I really don't. I would do it all over again. Because it

SPEAKER_01:

was the happiest day of his life.

SPEAKER_00:

It was the happiest day of my dad's life. Yeah, of course. And my dad, who's no longer here, I still think about the fact that I had my dad walk me down the aisle. Because if it was now, waiting now for the love of my life, my dad wouldn't be here to be part of that. So... I get to the rehearsal dinner, all my friends, all my family. I'm super excited. After the rehearsal dinner, it's time to like go your different ways, right? Like the old school style. Like you go with your friends. He goes with his. We don't spend the night together. Right. I got the princess.

SPEAKER_01:

The traditional.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, like the traditional. There was nothing traditional about my wedding, except I tried to keep these traditions so... I booked the Princess Diana suite at the Drake Hotel. Look it up. It's iconic. We all go there and we party in the suite. And I remember I told everyone, including my sister, I go, if I'm hungover tomorrow, I'm not getting married. That's what you said? I said, I do not want to do this. And what do you know? I wake up. I think I wake up on the floor of the entry. That was

SPEAKER_01:

inevitable.

SPEAKER_00:

I think I wake up on the floor to the entryway of this place. My sister wakes me up. I go, no. No. But in retrospect, those were all me like avoiding, clearly masking major and massive anxieties that I was having about this marriage. But

SPEAKER_01:

your sister didn't know

SPEAKER_00:

that

SPEAKER_01:

it wasn't going to be real anyway.

SPEAKER_00:

No, I didn't tell anybody. No one except me and my brother knew. Yeah. So I get up off the floor and all the girls show up to start getting ready, all the bridesmaids. And I am, we are all hungover. So I call a mobile IV place and they said, we'll come to you. Obviously the knock on the door. I opened the door and this guy, the hottest guy in the world is at the door. And he's like, I'm your, I'm the doctor. I go, okay. Who got me a stripper looking around? Who got me a stripper? And then all the girls go, you did this. You booked him. You got us a stripper. I go, I did not get us a stripper. This is the real doctor. On the day of your wedding. On the day of my wedding. I'm like, how badass would I be? Yeah. Booking a stripper. That'd be pretty cool. That's very me. That's actually really good. Yeah. We're going to remember that one. We'll remember that. That's

SPEAKER_01:

good.

SPEAKER_00:

But everyone thought he was a stripper and I'm like, I swear to God, I don't, I did not look at his profile. I just booked an IV doctor. So this hot ass guy is in my room. We're all in these like little lingerie things. He talks every one of us into getting a B12 shot, which is in your butt. You have to put your ass out when he shoots it in. He was so slick and sly. I'm hooked up to an IV on a couch. Luke's mom's coming in. Family's passing through. I'm miserable. Everyone's laughing, having a good time. All the girls are getting shots in the ass of B-12. They still think he's a stripper. They're waiting for him to strip. Anyway, I get dressed. I put the dress on. By the way, those IVs make you fat. I like way more. It

SPEAKER_01:

like plumps you up. It plumped me full of fluids. It's fluid.

SPEAKER_00:

Couldn't get in my dress. I'm like miserable. This day is sort of a blur. And I just remember going, I just don't belong in this dress. I just don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. And all those moments, like if there's anything I can teach anyone, it's like your gut is right. Like follow your instinct and your intuition because I should have gotten out of there and out of it for both of us. For both of us. Like neither of us deserve that. And although it was the greatest wedding ever, I booked... someone that no one expected. Do you remember this? There was this guy called

SPEAKER_01:

the

SPEAKER_00:

sexy sax man. He played Careless Whisper on a saxophone with no shirt on, a clip-in mullet. So it was called the saxogram. I go on and I book him. I go, I need to book you for my wedding. You're going to bust through the doors when we announce like us as a new couple and you're going to play careless whisper. And he was hot. And we get out on the dance floor and they go now introducing. Mr. and Mrs. Allison Gramenos. Doors bust open. And everyone goes wild.

SPEAKER_01:

That was pretty cool. That was amazing. That

SPEAKER_00:

was an amazing moment. He gets up on the table. Where my grandmother, my yaya, is sitting. And he dry humps her face. And busts her teeth out.

SPEAKER_01:

Her teeth go

SPEAKER_00:

fly. That cost me$15,000. What, for her teeth? I had to get her a bridge. When she flew back to Vegas, she had to go to the dentist. And she had to get a bridge. My brother Jamie and I split the cost.$15,000 of dental work.

SPEAKER_01:

It was amazing. The whole thing was like... But you could see where this was leading up to, like, no good. Like, it just, everything that happened was just not right. Something was going on. Something was off. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You think? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think when my yaya's teeth got knocked out, I knew something was off. Something was going on. I was going, what the fuck? With the saxophone. What the fuck am I doing? I remember it was midnight, and the venue was booked till midnight. And everyone was partying and dancing and having the best time. I flipped all the lights on and I go, good night. Party's over everyone. And everyone was like, what the fuck? What are you talking about? And I go, I'm going upstairs. I'm going, I'm going to bed. And like, Luke was nowhere to be found for me. Like he was with his friends.

SPEAKER_01:

Like it doesn't seem like a together thing at all. Like you were

SPEAKER_00:

separate the whole time. It was so separate and it was so strained. And we had gone so far with it. Both, I don't want to speak for him. I can only speak for me. But like we went so far with it that like it was too far to call it. And I remember waking up the next morning, totally separate sides of the bed. And I just remember going, what did I do?

SPEAKER_01:

So no consummation of that marriage.

SPEAKER_00:

There was nothing. No consummating that fake marriage. And we went and watched football with all of our friends at like a local bar in Wicker Park. And I just was miserable. And it was horrible. It was just a horrible way to do it because I should have gotten out of it. I should have said no. I should have just ended it when I knew I should have ended it, which is I want a prenup. You don't. Okay, well, then this isn't right, right? We don't want the same things because if I'm just trying to protect myself and you're not or don't believe in that, then all good for you. Don't marry

SPEAKER_01:

me. Yeah. I mean, there's two ways to look. You could see both sides. Right. Right. I mean, unfortunately, that's...

SPEAKER_00:

And you know what? I guess, yeah, there's so many signs and there's so many strains and there's so many moments where you could look back and go, I should not have gone through with that marriage. And I said to him, it was days later, he was like, aren't we supposed to sign something? I'm like, let's not and say we did and let's try this out.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Let's be together. Let's stay... Let's stay married because we are. And it doesn't, a piece of paper doesn't mean anything. I'm so sorry. But at the end, it meant something. So let me take that back. Because at the end, when I said, get the fuck out of my house.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

That meant something. And all my friends in the beginning were like, you're so, that's not right. You should get married. Like, why aren't you getting married? Fast forward 20 years when all my friends are getting divorced and they're like, God, you're smart.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

God, you're smart. Because when I said get the fuck out of my house, I meant it. And that was it. That was it. Well, now he moved next door back into his condo. And we were neighbors. Remember you

SPEAKER_01:

used to see his billboard? Didn't he have

SPEAKER_00:

a billboard? I used to see his billboards.

SPEAKER_01:

For his insurance

SPEAKER_00:

company. And he used to see mine.

SPEAKER_01:

That's just so weird.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I put up billboards in Chicago. It

SPEAKER_01:

was like always hitting you in the face. Always. Couldn't get away from him.

SPEAKER_00:

And I will tell you, since that day, we've never spoken again. I have no hard feelings towards him. I don't know how he feels about me. Um,

SPEAKER_01:

have you ever run into him?

SPEAKER_00:

Uh,

SPEAKER_01:

I thought you did. No. Or you just heard like friends have run into him, run into him.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, I did see, I did see him when I still lived at the house. He was like walking and I was in the front yard and me and Laura were sitting out there and I went up and talked to him for a while. So like there was that and it was very cordial. Yeah. I wish him nothing but the best. Like I don't want anything bad for him. We had our love story. Weird as shit, but like it was a love story. We did love each other. I did love him. And I did have high hopes and I did want to get married.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. I wouldn't have went that far if you didn't have, you guys both had major feelings.

SPEAKER_00:

Cause that heartbreak was real. Yeah. And that, that was, that to me was a real marriage.

UNKNOWN:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Because like, okay.

SPEAKER_01:

So how long before the fake marriage broke up?

SPEAKER_00:

One year.

SPEAKER_01:

One year. Okay. I couldn't remember.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Yeah. One year. Because I think if you stay married for a year, you keep the gifts. I'm kidding, but I don't think so. I

SPEAKER_01:

don't know. I don't even know if I ever got you a gift.

SPEAKER_00:

You didn't get me a gift.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't think I did.

SPEAKER_00:

You know what? Good for you.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow.

SPEAKER_00:

Good for you. Well, I mean. Maybe you knew.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I knew sooner than later, I remember knowing, but it was a shock. I was shocked. Yeah. I think most people were. Who knew? But really, nobody really knew. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00:

No, no one knew. Just me and my brother. Of course, Luke knew after.

SPEAKER_01:

But I think on the internet, it still says you're married on some sites.

SPEAKER_00:

I am not. Yeah. So I'm not married anymore. And like, they also say that we have a daughter. I don't have a daughter. Does it say? Yeah. Oh, because they see

SPEAKER_01:

pictures of.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I have all my cute little nieces and nephews, but like no babies.

SPEAKER_01:

No babies.

SPEAKER_00:

Which is totally different. Yeah. Both of

SPEAKER_01:

us.

SPEAKER_00:

But you sometimes feel like you want them.

SPEAKER_01:

I think now being older sometimes I think, but then I go back and I go, I'm kind of glad I didn't. I mean, I just live such a good life. I don't know. I have my nieces and nephews that are like my children, I feel like. Spoil them, but they don't have to live with me. And I'm not responsible for them every second.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, and you could still have them.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh,

SPEAKER_00:

really? You tell them. Stop. Do your normal. I'm not normal. Do your normal. You're trying to bait me. Are you ready for normal, Danette? You're trying to bait me. Let me tell you about Danette. Okay. So my best friend, you're my best. You have been doing this since we met because you've always been

SPEAKER_01:

so hot. The ageism? We go out. Not anymore.

SPEAKER_00:

When we go out, every time, no fail, Danette will be talking to somebody or we'll be talking to somebody and she'll be like, Guess how old I am.

SPEAKER_01:

I never say that. Oh, you don't? They say something. They

SPEAKER_00:

do?

SPEAKER_01:

They'll say- They do? I miss that every time? They'll say like, are you going to have children? Oh, they all say that. No, not all of them, but they say something like that and I'll say, oh my, I can't have

SPEAKER_00:

children. You're full of shit. You fish for it. All the time. Every time we're out, guess how old I am. And I'll be there. I never say guess. Yes, you do. Oh, my gosh. Everyone at home, they're guessing now. Everyone's watching and guessing how old you are. And I'm going to tell you something. Just like everyone at home, everyone we talk to is always like, what in the shit are you talking about? Tell everyone how old you are.

SPEAKER_01:

Why?

SPEAKER_00:

Because I think it's interesting.

SPEAKER_01:

my real age or what I'm going to be.

SPEAKER_00:

Tell them how old you're turning.

SPEAKER_01:

60.

SPEAKER_00:

The big 6-0. I'm going to tell you something.

SPEAKER_01:

With no work.

SPEAKER_00:

I want to be you when I'm 60. I

SPEAKER_01:

have a young soul. I really

SPEAKER_00:

do. Sometimes I'm like, how do you do it? You keep up with me nonstop. Yeah, it's

SPEAKER_01:

a lot though sometimes.

SPEAKER_00:

But I try to make sure that you always remember that life is about the moments you create and having fun in those moments and being present and not worrying about age or anything like that. Now your knee is a different issue now. Oh my God. But I've listened to you throughout our friendship of 20 five years you've teetered back and forth like I wish I had kids

SPEAKER_01:

yeah sometimes and you well but you're not at that age yet you might when in another few years I don't know maybe no

SPEAKER_00:

when did I ever

SPEAKER_01:

want kids never but you did go

SPEAKER_00:

through IVF though didn't you yeah but you know why I did IVF because I was with my last relationship for eight years. And you thought maybe at some point. So he wanted kids and I didn't. but I knew I wanted to be with him and I loved him. So I was like, well, then I'm not getting any, any younger. And if I'm not getting any younger and you're not trying to move fast or forward with, I should say this, I'm not getting any younger and you're not trying to move forward with our relationship in a meaningful way.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, how many years do you have to be together? I was with him for eight years, constantly trying to like, I wanted to marry him and I wanted a life with him. And yeah, He wanted kids and he wanted multiple kids. When I first met him, I had started to think about freezing my eggs. So I did the egg freezing process here in Vegas when I lived at my old house. And I just started dating him. And fast forward... I think we're at like six, eight months of being together. God, I wish I knew these dates. I know. I don't know. I'm just like

SPEAKER_01:

trying to figure out when that

SPEAKER_00:

was. But I froze. So I was freezing my eggs. I was going in for the retrieval. Erin, my other friend, came with me. And I did all the shots and I was doing all the hormones and I had never done this before. And I was like, you know, I didn't know what I didn't know. I tried to ask all the right questions, but I had no idea what I was doing. I wake up from the surgery. I'll never forget this day because they like wheel you into a recovery room with several other women that are coming out of retrievals and you are out of it. I mean, they put you under.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Twilight or no Twilight, you're out. Yeah. And I'm in this bed and I remember being so with it at the same time as not being with it. And I remember the doctor came in and touched my arm and he goes, we got nothing. And then I hear him go to the next girl and he's like, so we got 40 eggs. And I just remember like going back down and I'm like, what the fuck did I just hear? So I come out of it. I get dressed. Erin's in the waiting room. She had already gone through it herself. So she was there for support. She had been like there for support. And I come out, I go, I got nothing. And she was like, oh God, honey, I'm so sorry. I'm like, let's go get lunch. And we went, we went to Tommy Bahama cafe and we had like two glasses of wine. That was your favorite place to go. And I went home, I went home, I went home and I went to bed. So wait, did

SPEAKER_01:

you tell Michael?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I told Michael, I said, I got nothing. He was like, what does that mean? I go, well, that means I'm$30,000 short. In the hole.$30,000 I paid. Oh, it's so expensive. So to wake up after$30,000, it was almost like when you hear nothing in my head as like a businesswoman, I'm going, well, where's the ROI on this? Where's like, what happened here? Right. I need to know more about my body. Yeah. So then I started asking questions. And as I found out more, I found out so much more. Like, first of all, that doctor sucked. his claim to fame was Celine Dion getting her her baby. And I was like, ooh, that's the guy. Meanwhile, the worst. And I heard that from several other people. He didn't walk me through it properly. It wasn't like I didn't know enough. And maybe I didn't ask enough questions, but I will say I started to ask more.

SPEAKER_01:

Well,

SPEAKER_00:

that's

SPEAKER_01:

why you have a doctor to educate you.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. I mean, that's the whole purpose. And he said, well, you're going to have more success by freezing embryos. He said, you're going to have more success by freezing embryos. I'm like, what? He goes, yeah, like, do you have a partner? I go, yeah, but it's new. And he's like, well, you need to fertilize your eggs. And that gives us more of an understanding of like how good the egg is.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm eight months in a relationship. But how do you feel about that when you're not... I feel like what you just said earlier, you're doing this because he

SPEAKER_00:

wants a family. I was freezing my eggs initially as an insurance policy for me. I understand. Because I didn't know. I was single. You know, I tried to freeze my eggs before Luke, before I ever even got engaged. I never knew that. I went and talked to that doctor here in Vegas before I ever met Luke. Before I ever moved back to Vegas... So in case you wanted to have children at some point. Before I ever moved back to Chicago, I was trying to freeze my eggs. I went, I did all the talks, all the consultations. He told me everything looked good with my levels, my FSH, all the levels that you need to check, they look good. I went on to Match.com, I met Luke, and I forgot all about it. Fast forward... Three and a half years, I go back to the same doctor. I'm single. And he goes, your levels are really bad. Your levels are really low. You don't produce a lot of eggs. And your shot here is pretty slim. But let's go for it. Three years, ladies. Three years, ladies. Like, I was 32. Wait a minute. Yeah. Yeah. I must have been like 31. Now when you, oh, before. When I started. When your first, before Luke. Before Luke. Right. I was about 31, 32. That makes sense, yes. After we broke up, I'm now like 36, 37. And I've just full decline. That's how fast it changes. I'm a young woman. I don't know the difference. I didn't know any of this shit. And also, I wouldn't have known it had I not looked into it. So thank God that I did. Because now I'm here in this position where I'm newly dating a guy. I just froze eggs. I got nothing for$30,000. And I'm like, what the hell do I do next? I love this guy. I see a future with this guy. What am I going to do? I'm now in a position where I have to ask my new relationship to fertilize eggs with me.

UNKNOWN:

I mean...

SPEAKER_00:

That was a conversation. That was one that I was so uncomfortable in my skin. Because then you

SPEAKER_01:

both own the embryo, correct?

SPEAKER_00:

Because it would then be our baby. Right. So I'm now in this new relationship having this very serious talk with Michael about like, do you want a family? And he's like, yeah. And I'm like, well, okay. I don't know if I do, but like... I don't have really that many eggs. So like now's the time. So I, it was right around my birthday and I remember going, cause I didn't want to go to the doctor here anymore. So I found the best doctor in the country who happened to be in Colorado at CCRM, which is the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine. And the best of the best doctors was there, Dr. Schoolcraft. And I remember, like, I got to get this guy. I flew there. I

SPEAKER_01:

remember that name.

SPEAKER_00:

Michael flew there. He did all of his testing. I did mine. Genetic testing. Do we mesh? Do we match? Are we going to make a good embryo? Like, this shit's going fast. And we're in a new relationship. And I just remember, like, just thinking to myself, like, I want this for us. Yeah. Because he wants a family so bad. And I don't know if I do. But I don't want to say I don't. Well, and then later on regret not doing what you could to make it happen. You know me well enough to know that I don't want to live with regrets. So it was everything I could do. Well, and you always take

SPEAKER_01:

precautions to make sure. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I

SPEAKER_01:

just

SPEAKER_00:

want to be

SPEAKER_01:

smart. Sure. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So I'm sitting here thinking I'm being smart. Covering all the bases. So we go through the process. By we, I mean I. Go through three weeks of shots, traveling full time, traveling with syringes, hormones to a level that I can't. I remember

SPEAKER_01:

going to parties with you and we'd be in the bathroom and you're like, I couldn't believe you even get on the plane with all of it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

What you had to do. We'd be at a party in the bathroom. doing

SPEAKER_00:

it. Like wherever we were, I was like filling the vials in a bathroom, in a public restroom.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

It's like a casino. And some of them had to be refrigerated and, but I would have to fill the vial and I would have to stab myself and I had bruises all over my stomach. I was a hormonal disaster and I didn't know what I didn't know. Working full time, traveling for work, But for this, I had to really sit still. I had to stay in Colorado. Do you remember? A couple friends came to visit me. Michael came out to visit me. The doctor was like, we need to do another week of shots now. It's my third week. I'm like, I want to go home for my birthday. I was alone in Colorado doing this. And... I remember going back for my birthday and I was just a mess. Like was not sure of like who I was or what I was doing or anything. You're so fucked up from these

SPEAKER_01:

hormones mess you up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And I go back and I go in for the retrieval and Michael has to fly out and like jizz in a cup for them to take his fresh sperm and like

SPEAKER_01:

Fertilize the

SPEAKER_00:

egg. And I wake up from the surgery and they go, we got two. And I was like, we were like high fiving. I'm like, woo, two. Two to me was really important from zero. When you started zero and now you're looking at two and it's another 30,000 that I'm splitting with Michael. So 15K and I'm like two, this is amazing. We fly back that day, they said, we'll let you know the results of if these are mature eggs or something. Yeah, like if they're viable eggs, like if they mature. Blasphemous, I'm probably saying it wrong. Yeah, even though they

SPEAKER_01:

have, even though you get two eggs, it doesn't mean that they're gonna work. I didn't know any of this

SPEAKER_00:

shit, right? Like I thought, oh my God, I got two eggs, woo! And they're like, nope, here are the stages now. Now we need to see if these eggs make it Because we fertilized them. Let's see if they make it. We'll let you know. I was on the plane. I know I was traveling for work. They said, we won't call you for three to five days because it takes that long to see. And I remember on a plane and I'm landing in Chicago and I get a voicemail from CCRM. Michael's picking me up from the airport and I said, I'm just going to wait to listen to the voicemail with him in the car. We listened to it and they're like, both of them took. Both of them fertilized. That was like a true testament to like trying to do anything and everything I could to make sure I was setting myself up for a really successful future.

SPEAKER_02:

Whether

SPEAKER_00:

it was the future I wanted or not, I didn't know. But at least I was able to give the person that I loved the family that he wanted. Or so I thought. Right? And then fast forward, they call with good news and bad news. And it was two weeks later, and they said, we have good news and bad news. And the good news is that one of them made it, and it was the 6AA, which come to find out, they grade the eggs. 6AA was the best egg and the best embryo, and the other one didn't make it through genetic testing. And they were like, do you want to know what the... The sex was, right? The sex of the... I don't remember

SPEAKER_01:

this.

SPEAKER_00:

And I was like, you can tell that? They're like, yeah, do you want to know? I'm like, this is blowing my mind. They're like, it's a boy. So here I am now with this man that I love, this relationship that I think is just like it, like this future, clearly almost a year together. And now we have frozen an embryo together that is very taxing on both people, but emotionally... physically taxing, very physically taxing on me. And little did I know that that was just the start and that I would do 22 rounds again.

SPEAKER_02:

That's

SPEAKER_00:

just amazing. Like 22 more rounds. Yeah. Because I didn't know where my life was going and I didn't know if it was with this person or if I was doing this on my own or if I even wanted it on my own. Like, Well, because the relationship was so up and down. Yeah. It was hard to navigate for sure. But the one thing that wasn't hard to navigate was, like, I always want to make sure that I'm protecting myself. So, like, whether I know if I want kids or not, I still want to know that I have that option. And I still want to know that, like, if I ever do, and if I ever change my mind, that I'm doing the right thing. And when I tell people that go through it... that I did that many rounds, they lose their minds. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Because people give, I mean, they give up at a certain point. And, you know, obviously money has a big deal to do with that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I was lucky. It's really hard. I was very fortunate with my situation. Yeah, that you could do that. But that situation was years in the making. Years in the making. And it was, like, manifesting at its finest, I think. Because, like, looking back, would I do it all over again?

SPEAKER_01:

Yes,

SPEAKER_00:

I think you will. Because I'm pretty sure 25 rounds of egg freezing and IVF. That whole process. Well, I don't know if you would do 25. I don't think you would do that many. I'm just saying in retrospect, those hormones have fucked up my body. Sent me into early menopause. Fucked me. I'm 44 going through menopause. And you bet your ass that that has something to do with it. You don't think that those hormones have something to do with that? Oh, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, the foods we eat, everything has something to do with hormones. But that many rounds? Like, come on. It's crazy. Yeah, but you're doing really good now, I feel like. The drugs are out of my system. It's taken a long time, but you look amazing. I know you feel amazing. I feel new. You have so much energy. That's what gives me energy. I think I feed off of you. I'm like a vampire.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Ditto for you.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You think you're like, oh, we're not going to do this. I'm like, we're doing it. Yeah. And then you end up having the best time of your life. And acting like a complete idiot. Acting like a not 60-year-old.

SPEAKER_01:

No. If anybody saw the videos, they wouldn't believe it. How old are you again? Shut up. Okay. That's

SPEAKER_02:

enough.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Alison Victoria

Host
Head Shot

Jax Tobias

Producer
Contributor

Danette Pecararo

Guest