Carmedy #1.5 - Burros and Burritos

Dave is stuck in traffic and records an episode with a guest appearance from an Albino Burro.

Please follow me on socials <3

@davethompsoncomedy

On all platforms!

Thank you for your support!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What's up everyone? Welcome to the Carmody Podcast. We're ComedyMeets Yourslash my commute. I am stuck in traffic. That is my name. My name is I am stuck in traffic. What's up, guys? This is your host, Dave Thompson. Welcome to the Carmody Podcast. I am stuck in traffic. And it's not fun. And I am going about five miles an hour right now. And I just started using my phone in front of an officer. And what's he get? How is he gonna get to me? You know what I'm saying? Like, if he got out of his car and walked over to me, he could get seen, but like he's not gonna do that. So I'm just using my phone in front of an officer. God bless America. You know what I'm saying? It's just what it is. I got the windows rolled down, so there might be a little bit of a win, but it is what it is. And here we are. So welcome to episode two of the Carmody Podcast. Um, goodness gracious, what's going on? I gotta tell you guys, I saw in the news today. There's this viral like video of a guy who couldn't afford an engagement ring. And so he he bought his girlfriend in lieu of an engagement ring.

SPEAKER_01 1:20

He bought her a kitten. Like like a live animal. And he's like, here.

SPEAKER_00 1:33

I'm down on one knee. And she's like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, what's happening? And then he's like pulling a cat out of his back pocket.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Here's a cat. And she's like, oh my gosh, that's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done, ever.

SPEAKER_00 1:58

There's just so many things that I want to address with this story, with this video, with these pictures. Where do I even start? First and foremost, if you can't afford a ring, don't get married. I asked my wife about this. I addressed it with her. Me and my wife, we've been married over 10 years, coming on 11 years here in about three weeks. And she's like, if you tried to propose to me with anything other than a ring, I would have said no and laughed at you and never spoken to you again. So I I don't know if that's everyone's point of view. It's clearly not this lady's point of view. She loved the cat. But like, first of all, if you don't have money for a ring, like you what did that like you can't get a credit card, you can't get a loan, you don't have friends. I mean, there's so much more to it than I just can't afford it. Like, why? Why? I was dirt poor when I got engaged. My my wife's first engagement ring that I purchased for her, I purchased on Freddie and it was like $300. You know what I'm saying? Like, and and I paid payments that were like $20 a month or something. Like, it was actually like stupid cheap. Like, it doesn't have to be something crazy if if the love is there. And clearly she she likes the kitten, so she probably would have taken a small little ring, a small little band with a little diamond or something. Frick. But a cat? What the frick? That's an animal you have to take care of. Do you know how much it costs to take care of a cat? You can't afford a ring, but you can afford to take care of an animal.

SPEAKER_01 3:46

That you have to get spayed or neutered?

SPEAKER_00 3:48

You gotta get shots for?

SPEAKER_01 3:52

You might have to take them to the vet if they get sick. You gotta buy them a cage, you gotta buy them a litter box, you gotta buy them food. And you can't afford a ring. You can't afford a ring? What if your freaking animal gets ringworm? Can't animals get ringworm?

SPEAKER_00 4:17

Isn't that possible? Somebody look up whether or not animals can get ringworm. AI. Ringworm? Is that possible? What is ringworm? That's just something I wanted to say. I actually have no idea what ringworm is. I'm still kind of in traffic, so let's take a gander. Ringworm for animals. It's called uh dermatatophosis, whatever. It's a common fungal skin infection found in animals. So the cat could get ringworm, but you can't get a ring.

SPEAKER_01 4:56

The cat could get ringworm.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

First of all, I'm gonna be honest. The place where it looked like they were eating didn't even look like a like a like a ghetto place. It looked like a place that the plates might cost a little bit of money. You could have just bought a ring instead of went out to dinner. You could have gone to Del Taco. You could have gone to Del Taco and you could have got a ring, but instead, you went out to a place that's not Del Taco and you bought a cat that could get ringworm.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

These little things I think about.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

These little things that I ponder in my life because that's what I ponder. Excuse me. Uh other things going on with me. Uh I am currently delivering DoorDash. I'm driving through a canyon. I don't have any cell phone service, but luckily I'm able to upload this afterward. And I gotta say, I gotta, I gotta tell you guys. I guts to guts to guts to tell you guys. DoorDashing when you have no air conditioning, when it's hot outside, not my favorite thing to do. But you know what? We we do it because we love our family. That's why we do it. We we out here in these streets or these hills, these hills that are covered with donkeys, by the way. If you've ever been to California, you go through some of these different uh hillsides, you go through some of these um different counties, and you'll just find yourself there's like signs around that say, Don't feed the burros, don't feed the burros. As a donkey, or as it's called in the Bible, an ass. An ass. That's what it's called in the Bible, an ass. Right out of the King James, thou shalt not touch the ass. That's pretty much what this sign says. If this sign was in biblical terms, it would say, Thou shalt not touch this ass. And I gotta say, there is a donkey right in front of me as I'm saying that, and he's pooping on someone's fence. The St. Nina Coptic Church, wherever that's at, in the middle of nowhere over here. You're at your guys' fence and getting pooped on by a boo by an ass. My goodness. Uh yeah, so there's donkeys everywhere. And I gotta tell you, uh, these donkeys, they can just take over the street. I've been stuck behind them before where they just want to just stand and look at you. Because you're not gonna run them over. First of all, if you hit one of these freaking donkeys, you're gonna die. These donkeys are huge. Okay, these freaking burros um are big. So you definitely don't want to hit one. You're not supposed to honk at them or throw things at them. Um you're supposed to just wait for them to cross. Like they're gonna know, like, hey, it's time for me to cross. Like, get back to the to the dirt, get back to the grass, get back to where you can eat. You can't eat asphalt, so they're not gonna stay on the asphalt, right? So, but yeah, you don't want to hit one with your car. That's not a good I I gotta say, I hit an animal with my car a couple years ago, and it totaled my car.

SPEAKER_01 8:04

I hit a raccoon with my car. A raccoon.

SPEAKER_00 8:09

Now, this raccoon was the biggest thing I'd ever seen in my life. So I'm driving in the middle of the night and I'm doing a delivery. My headlights are on. Okay, I was not on my phone. I was not recording an episode of the pod. I was not on my phone. I was watching where I was going. I'm in a place where there's no streetlights. It's like a doer housing project. No streetlights yet. So I'm driving, and a giant raccoon runs in front of the car, and I hit the raccoon. And immediately I knew this wasn't just like a regular animal. This was like, holy crap, I felt I felt like I just hit a ton of bricks. Like my car was visibly damaged, right?

SPEAKER_01 8:58

And then I pull over, and the raccoon's nowhere to be found. That that fool survived. He survived. He just he just like took the head of a car and he just survived. I mean, he probably has CTE somewhere. He he probably is, you know, struggling with his brain somewhere, but he killed my car.

SPEAKER_00 9:35

I I didn't even kill him. He killed my car, and I didn't kill him. Isn't that freaking insane? That's just you'd think I have a dead animal on the side of the road to have a story. So I have to call to get my car towed, right? And then the guy gets there, and I'm explaining there's an albino burro in front of me. It's fully white. He looks like a freaking unicorn. What the frick? Absolutely insane. I'm sorry about that, guys. I know I'm kind of all over the place right now. This is just me. This is me. Look out, can see you, Rakup. Shut up. Alright. Getting back to the story, right? The freaking raccoon. Like, I had to explain to this tow truck driver, could you like what happened? Like, was it it? Was it a hit and run? Did somebody hit you and then try? And I'm like, no, look, there's a giant, just surfing crush. Just a giant, look like look like I had hit something, like one of those balls outside of Target. You know those little balls they have outside of Target that you could sit on? Like those big red balls? It's like it looks like I hit one of those. Like, like I ran into a giant basketball and it just dented in the whole front of my car. I'm like, no, dude, that's that's actually a giant raccoon. And he's like, how do you know that? I was like, well, I saw him as he ran in front of my car. And he goes, well, where's the raccoon? I was like, it's it's not here. The raccoon is gone. There's a boon on the loose. A giant freaking raccoon, a boon. A big old raccoon, a boon. Okay, call him boon. Benson Boon. Benson Boon. That's what I'm calling him now. Big old raccoon named Benson Boone, and he freaking killed my car, and then he got away and lived to tell the story. You guys think I'm freaking around right now? I'm not. I'm talking about a giant freaking raccoon and I'm being serious, and it's hard to say on the subject when I see an albino burro. Okay? It was a little bit hard to say on the subject, and because of that, I apologize. I apologize. Look, when I'm driving through these places, it is easy to get distracted. My wife says that she thinks I have ADHD. I've never been tested for ADHD, but you guys probably know I haven't. I love to do comedy. You know why? Because I love the equation of a joke. The joke, I look at it like a problem that I'm looking to solve, looking to kill words. You ever used to play, well, not play. Do you guys ever used to do school where you where you were given a sentence and it had like extra words in it and stuff, and you had to like unscramble it and get the subject across, but you you could kill words out of the sentence and you could rearrange the way it was said, and then and then like you're trying to find the most efficient way to say whatever it is. It's like fixing run-on sentences and stuff like that. You guys, I love that crap. I freaking love that crap. Because I'll start out writing something and it's terrible. It'll be like blah blah blah, and I said this thing, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I realized I can say this happened, and then it's like, oh, okay, cool. So I just came over the hill and there is clearly a fire right over here. I'm staring, now that I can see the valley, I'm staring at a fire. Fires are scary. I felt so bad for everybody that was affected from the LA fire. You know, people in Pasadena, the people in freaking Malibu, the Palisades, all that stuff where they got affected by these fires. That freaking sucked. Because most people don't buy fire insurance. And even if he did, like there was some people that weren't even getting the insurance money because of something or other or whatever the thing was. Frick. That's just crazy. Like if your house burns down, that's freaking scary. These houses are already so expensive, I couldn't imagine my house burning down. That's, I mean, I can't afford an apartment, much less a house. That's really scary. But yeah, guys, if there's anything that you could learn from today, anything I want you to take away from this, and that is enjoy nature, enjoy wildlife. Every once in a while, we become the roadkill. Aka, when I say we, I mean like my car. Like once in a while, the animal gets won over on us. You know, every once in a while you got burros walking in front of you, albino burros pooping on a church. You know? Every once in a while they just get us back. Freaking giant raccoon, Benson Boone, running around somewhere. That guy's probably still alive. He's got CTE a little bit. It might be a little Aaron Hernandez situation. He's kind of tussling with his friends. Maybe he's not a good friend right now. Maybe he slaps up his little raccoon wife, which is very sad to think about. A raccoon smacking another raccoon. That's the raccoon domestic violence, and we don't support that here at the Carmedy Podcast. But thank you guys so much for listening. Once again, my name is Dave Thompson. Hope you enjoyed this little traffic episode of the Carmody Podcast, and we'll see you next week.