Carmedy #2.5 - Proud Babies

Dave gets confronted by the proud babies.

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Transcript

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What's up everyone? Welcome to the comedy podcast where comedy meets yours slash my commute. I am your host, Dave Thompson. This is episode 2.5. And we got a lot to talk about. We got a lot to talk about. I'm on my way out to the Ontario improv for the open mic. I was debating about whether or not to record this before or after the open mic in case I bombed. So you could get initial reactions of my bomb. But we're gonna manifest good things. We're gonna manifest that this might be the night that I get more than an honorable mention. Because, ladies, gentlemen, folks at home, or in the car listening, which is where you should be listening to the Car Media podcast, I have only ever gotten second slash an honorable mention at the Ontario Improv open mic. I have never won, I have never had set of the night at the Ontario Improv, and I have done it five times. So, maybe number six will be better. I'm doing the apple joke. Those of you that know know. Those of you that don't are gonna find out. But it's basically a joke about that apples are the most sensual fruit. And I'm gonna talk about that for three minutes. You know, some people think eggplants or peaches are the most sensual fruit, you know, you're using emojis and stuff like that, but I guarantee you that I will convince everyone in that room that it is definitely apples. I will convince you. And if I don't, then you know what? Frickin' it is what it is. So, let's talk about it. Uh a few days ago, I recorded this episode. I'm gonna be honest. I'm all I'm honest with my listeners. Okay? And I'm gonna be even more honest. Can I be even more honest? 28 people listened to my last episode. I'm going to clickbait way harder about local comedy politics. What was it about saying local comedy politics that drew so many people? 28 people listened all the way through. Multiple people started it, more than that. But 28 people listened to the episode all the way through. Thank you very much. That did very well for the numbers. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. So nobody has left a review. So if you could leave a five-star review, that would be wonderful on wherever you're listening to this. If you leave uh a bad review, can you just leave no review and then that just speaks volumes? Your absence of caring about leaving a review speaks volumes to me. Okay? So, like, don't think it doesn't. Don't be like, oh, I need to tell him that I didn't like it as much as I could have. Let's give him a two-star. Like, I I get it. You don't need a two-star to prod me to go in a certain direction. You know what I'm saying? Because look, here's the deal. First and foremost, I'm gonna do how I want it anyway. Reviews, no reviews, I'm gonna do it how I want it because that's just who I am. That's how I roll, cuh. So I recorded the episode a few days ago. And the reason that I had recorded it is I wanted to get a raw reaction to the racism that I experienced a few days ago. I'm driving out towards the desert because I'm working in the Coachella Valley for all of these weekends with the music festivals, uh, to two Coachella weekend music festivals and the Stagecoach music festival. So I'm in my city. Okay? I'm I'm getting up to the freeway. As I get to the freeway, I have to make a left to get on the freeway. I'm stopped at the red light. My windows are rolled down, it's 55 degrees outside, beautiful weather, my favorite type of weather, the smell of rain in the air. I'm listening to music. Not even loud, I'm just listening to music. I'm vibing. I pull up to the light. I look to my left, and there is a group of, I don't know, eight, nine adult males, from what it appears, in tactical gear, boots, camo, and shysties. But you can see their eyes. So all of them are white. So you got about eight or nine white dudes in camo gear and shysties at the freeway. My windows rolled down, but it's kind of like when you roll up to a homeless and you're like, you don't really want to have the interaction, but you feel bad about rolling up the window, so you just don't, but then you end up having the interaction, you have to disappoint them and say you don't have any money, even though you actually do have two dollars that you were thinking about giving him, but you know you should put that towards your next transaction so that you spend less on your card. Anyone else? Just me? Okay. So I roll, I pull, I pull up to the light. One of these guys, I try not to look at him. One of these guys walks a few steps forward. He's still technically on this on the sidewalk. I'm not saying he came on the street or that he was blocking traffic because he wasn't, but he got closer to my car and he looks at me through the window with his freaking shisty on and he goes, Are you here legally? And now I'm staring at him because he's talking to me, and I realize that the signs that these guys have painted and the things these guys, these guys are the proud boys. These guys are the proud boys. And and I'm getting asked in my own freaking city, are you here legally? You guys know I don't really curse. I really don't. Okay? I try not to. I told I said, my mom is from Alabama, you asshole. Which technically, she corrected me, she's technically from Florida, but my grandma's from Alabama, but we're gonna let it slide. And then he goes, Where's your dad from? And then I look forward. Oh, we got a green light. Ripped, ripped tires, ripped them. Proud boys, gotta love it. You gotta love it. I love it. On a Sunday morning, hello? Hello, what am I doing on a Sunday morning if I'm not in church? I'm working for my family because God wants me to provide for my family. Amen and hallelujah. Okay? What are these guys doing? Asking me if I'm here legally? Let me tell you something about these racists, right? First of all, if any of these guys saw a black kid go into a store with a shistie on, they'd be like, yo, you better watch that guy. You better watch him. That guy with that shisty. What do you got shysties on for, dog? Sheisties? I think the reason that they want those on isn't so people don't see them if they record them and like post it online. I think it's because they're just ugly. You ever just wear a mask because you're ugly? You're like, I don't want see, I don't I don't want people to see who I am. No, like, like actually, it's not that your personality's bad, it's that you're freaking ugly. You got an ugly freaking little mug. You got an ugly little Nazi nug of a mug. You know what I'm saying? Am I here legally? You ever just wish that somebody would, that God would just do a drive-by like lightning? You know what I'm saying? Like you read stories in the Bible about how God like shot fire down from heaven and just like lightning just struck somebody? Like, you ever just you ever just you ever just wish that would just happen? You're like, God, can I command fire for like one second? Can you make me like the human torch for just like one second so I could burn this guy's juevos rancheros right off his limbs? Right off his pelvis, just his just his balls dropping for the second time. They just fall off. Just can't believe people sometimes, you know what I'm saying? You just can't believe people. You just can't am I here, Bigly. Get the frick out of here. I'm married to a white woman. She's white, and my mama is white. Don't worry about the rest. I'm a wexican, I don't even speak Spanish. Comprende, senore. I told my mom about this incident, and she said, You know what it'd been funny if you would have said no, no habla inglés. And I was like, Mom, if I would have said that, they would have pulled me out of the car and held me at gunpoint. They would have called ice on me and held me at gunpoint, put their knees on my neck. They would have done Hail Mary's and prayed and thanked God that they caught one. They would have went home and drank beers in celebration. They would have drank some courses in celebration of catching one, a live one. That'd been sitting there. We're so excited. I can't believe we finally caught one, Bubba. Bubba? I said, Hey, re say it again, but say it again. Okay, Bubba. I I went up to that wetback's window and I said, Are you here legally? And they go, Yeah, and then what'd you do? Then he said, No, he called me an asshole, because those guys, those wetbacks ain't got no manners. They ain't got no manners, them wet bags ain't got no manners. And then you know what I did? I said, Where's your daddy from? And he said, No habla inglés. And then we pulled him out the car. We tied him up with zip ties we bought from the Dollar Tree. And then you know what we did? We called ice. And you know what's the best part? I asked Siri to call ice. I think every white person in America should have ice in their contact book so Siri could call ice. Okay? You say, hey Siri, can you call ice? And Siri said, Yeah, I call ice for you. And then I say, I got one. Come over here, I got one. Hog tied on the side of the freeway. I don't know why that voice sounded like Ralphie Mae in my head a little bit. I don't know why. But look, that didn't happen. And I did and I and I did turn and get on the freeway, right? But it's just like, isn't that insane? Like, you can't go anywhere nowadays without people just being extra. Why why can't people just live normal? You know, we're not at war with any of our neighboring countries here, we're not at war with Mexico or Canada. And don't even start, don't be like, oh, we're at a drug war. That's you know what I'm talking about. We're not actively sending troops into Mexico to steal their president. You know what I'm saying? People can't just can't just act freaking normal. Can't we just be thankful for the peace? Can't we just be thankful? That there's not bombs going off. You know, I have friends that have family, because I don't have any family in these places. Lebanon, other places, right? That that they're talking, oh I'm talking to my family to make sure they're still alive. You know how sad that is? I'm talking to my family to make sure they're still alive. We're checking in with each other to make sure everyone's still alive and has five limbs. You know how freaking sad that is? And people are over here asking me if I'm legal. Dog, go play some Call of Duty and use the N-word. Okay? Because we know that's what you're doing in your spare time. Just get out of public eye. Be a closeted in your apartment, racist. You can come out at 7 a.m. to 8 a.m. only. You could go to the grocery store, you could go to the gym, you could go wherever you want at 7 a.m. only. And then by 8 o'clock, you gotta get back in your hole, get back on Twitter, get back on Facebook, get back into the conspiracies, and and and then just talk bad about black and brown people. That's what you gotta do. Alright, well, I pretty much used the whole episode to talk about this guy, and I I don't feel bad about it at all. I really don't. I don't feel bad about it. So, with that being said, thank you guys for listening. I love it. Uh that I see the numbers were growing, and I'm glad about that. Got a lot of cool stuff coming out in the pipeline, cool shows coming up, things I'm booking and producing, and uh the heat wave comedy tour coming up that I'm getting figured out. And the other part that's really awesome is you think about uh I just announced that Jack Shaw is doing a show, uh, golden ticket winner, Kill Tony, Jack Shaw uh doing a show with him, booked him at the Above the Iron Comedy Club in Menifee uh on Juneteenth. So if you guys want to come see uh Ju on June 1th, uh yeah, get tickets now. It's gonna sell out. It's gonna be a really fun show. Uh I actually am really excited about it. But thank you guys so much for listening. You guys are awesome, you guys are amazing. Wish me luck at the Ontario Improv tonight. I'm probably gonna lose. Hopefully, at least I'll get an honorable mention. But you know what? We're manifesting. Maybe tonight's the night. Will my apples work? How about them, apples? Have a good night, guys. Thank you. Bye.