Episode 10 - NSFW….

Dave talks about some things that this episode is prolly getting banned for…

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

What's up everybody? Welcome to the Comedy Podcast, where comedy meets your slash my commute. I'm your host, Dave Thompson. This is episode number 10. Which actually means it's episode like 19. But it's episode 10. So do with that what you will. Uh, no guest today. The only guest is you. So thank you for being here. You're wonderful. I'm currently driving home right now. I just did a spot at a country club. A country club, yes. Wonderful, elderly. Wonderful people. All white people. All white people. Um there. It's at this place called Canyon Lake. Canyon Lake. And I my goodness. Where do I start? So, first of all, I do DoorDash, if you don't know, I do DoorDash. And I I have DoorDashed into Canyon Lake so many times. And you have to like give your ID, and they they take down your name and and like a copy of your freaking license and your license plate number, and they give you a sign to put in your window of what you're there for and where you're delivering, just in case you decide to take any extra stops. They tell you what the speed limit is. You know, and I don't know if you know this or not. I I think people are unaware of this because they're just followers and not leaders, but if if a sign is put up by someone that's not an authority in the community, you actually don't have to follow the sign. Did you know that? I'll give you a perfect example. At Target, they have stop signs in front of the doors for the immediate driving street area. What why does this sound so weird? The parking lot where you could drive right in front of the store where you'd exit and enter the store. There's stop signs there. And somebody got ran over and their family sued the driver. Okay? Their family sued the driver and nothing happened. You know why? Because those stop signs are not real. Those are not real stop signs placed there by the city. Those are stop signs placed there by Target. Those are Target stop signs. They're not real, they're fake news, they're not real. So when I go into communities to deliver and they tell me it's 35 miles an hour, it's not real. What are they gonna do? Pull me over? You're gonna you're gonna pull me over. You're gonna give me a ticket? You don't work for law enforcement, you freak. You have pepper spray and a flashlight? You're a mall cop. You're a freaking mole cop, you nerd. I don't have to listen to you. I could drive away. If you get in front of my car, you're gonna get run over. Do you understand? This is America. If you get in if you get in my way, you're infringing upon my liberties. Okay? Get the frick out of the way. Alright? You understand? So Canyon Lake, this place. It's bougie. There's boats, there's a lake, it's in a canyon. But I I want to just tell you something, first of all. I knew it was gonna be all white people there. There was two black people there, and we brought them. I'm just kidding, we didn't bring them. But the I knew it was gonna be a lot of old white people. That's the the clientele. That is the the type of people that I thought was gonna was gonna was gonna be there. That's what I thought. Um and the show went okay. The show went okay. I was featuring, I did 20 minutes. Um I've definitely done worse. I did okay. I think I was hovering around for four or five laps per minute. I was trying. I was trying my butt off. I really was trying. I did my best. Uh, in the moment, I did my best. And this is a learning exercise, so it's great. And I'm very appreciative for the spot. But let's just keep talking about Canyon Lake. First of all, Canyon Lake is located in between, if you don't know, in between Menifee and Lake Elsinore. So when you get off the freeway on the 215 in Menifee, you get off at Newport. If you keep driving west on Newport, it turns into Railroad Canyon. And then you go into Canyon Lake for like two seconds. And then on the other side of Canyon Lake is Lake Elsinore, and then you hit the 15 freeway. I think. The 15? The 5? The 15? I think it's the 15, I think. I don't know. I don't barely go on that freeway. I don't freaking know. Frick! Okay. So Canyon Lake is in between there. Alright, Lake Elsinore is known for being terrible. They call it Lake Smellsinore. There's like dead people in the lake. It has a lot of crime. It's not a great place to live, or so I've been told. Okay? I've been told it's not a great place to live. That's just what I've been told. I've seen some tweakers there. Doesn't look great. Alright? But Canyon Lake is not Lake Elsinore. It is completely different. Very nice, bougie, old, white people, golf course, country club, boats. It is very, very different. But let me tell you something that surprised me. And I will tell you this, comedians, listen up and listen good. I learned when I when I did my my all my shows at Oxnard earlier this year. I learned something. I learned something. Can I tell you what I learned? Talk about the city.

unknown 6:45

Talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

Read up on it, talk about it. How long has it existed for? Is there funny news that happens around there? Maybe maybe interesting things that you could do to connect with the crowd right at the beginning. I love it. I love it. I did that in Oxnard. I love it. So I looked up because this is part of the things. I have a list of things I look up, just like I said. How long the city's been there, who's the mayor of the city, is there any like weird, um I don't know, mysteries that are like unsolved murders that are talked about. Like I really like get in the thick of it to try and see if there's anything I could kind of extract to connect with people and to make jokes about. So one of the things I learned about Canyon Lake, one of the things I look up when I go to a new city is the crime rates. So I look up crime rates and then I look up the crimes that were committed. Like, so how many crimes per capita? Per, you know, I think uh the the one they use is like per hundred thousand or whatever. And and then I look at what crimes were people committing. So now remember, Canyon Lake is right next to Lake Elsinore, which has a ton of crime. A ton of crime, all kinds of crime, okay. Canyon Lake, it says, is one of the best, it's like top 60 or 70 percent of safest places and and lack of crime. Like per per capita, it's so low. The crime rate is so low in Canyon Lake because it's pretty much just the one neighborhood. The one giant lake neighborhood. Okay? But the thing that disturbed me was the types of crimes. Like, in the top three, it it was I can't remember what the second one was. The first one was it was it was violent crimes. But I will tell you this the third highest one was rape. Yeah, you heard you heard that right. I don't know if this is gonna get blocked out on Spotify now because I'm saying the R-word. I'm so sorry, Spotify. I will put the explicit thing when I upload this video, when I upload this audio. Yeah, so the third highest crime committed in Canyon Lake is rape. Rape. And can I tell you that the city next to it, Lake Elsinore, has a lot way more crime than Canyon Lake. Way more. But less rape. So I will tell you that that city, Canyon Lake, looks down upon Lake Elsinore, its brother, its little weird sicko brother next to it. But you know what? Canyon Lake rapes more, and that is vile and disgusting. It is gross, that is nasty. That's against God's plan for your life, son. I've been thinking a lot about rape recently, and let me tell you why. I know that's a crazy sentence to say. Let me tell you why. Hold on. There's a sign up in my city. I live in Yukaipa. There's a sign up in my city, and this is what it says. It says say no. A giant billboard. It says say no, and in little writing underneath the say no, it says to sexual assault. Say no to sexual assault. This sign confused me. And first of all, I'm not trying to be insensitive. If you've if you're listening to this and you yourself have been assaulted, okay, I'm not trying to make light of what happened to you. What I'm trying to do is to understand what the frick this sign means, okay? Say no to sexual like, first of all, the people that are getting sexually assaulted did say no. More than likely, they probably said or at least attempted to say no, unless they were unconscious, okay? They've probably said no. So so is this sign for the rapers? This sign is for the rapers. Like, say no. Okay? Is that what the sign is for? Is it for the rapers? Say no to sexual assault. Say no. So, like, say no to those thoughts that you have in your head about taking advantage of somebody against their will. Say no to those thoughts. Okay? You guys see where I'm going with this? It's a stupid sign. It's a stupid freaking sign. Okay? If I learned one day, if somebody told me and confessed to me, maybe they maybe they asked me to pray for them, or maybe they asked me to talk with them because they wanted to get something off their chest, or whatever the case may be. If they told me, you know what, I was thinking about raping somebody and I didn't because I saw a billboard that said say no. So I said no to my urges, and I didn't do it. I if somebody told me that, my mind would be changed that this billboard's not stupid, but I'm telling you right now, nobody is saying that. I'm telling you right now. Nobody is saying that. That's so stupid. I think it's so stupid. You know what that sign should be? That sign should be like a mental health, like therapy. Get your health right. You know what I'm saying? Maybe a sign for a church so they can find God. Because they need something. You know what I mean? They need something. You can't just be tell people, oh, just say no. Like, you got sicko psychopaths out there, people that take advantage of other people and and they have you know the sex, they they they they hurt people, they murder people, right? Imagine that. Say no to murder. Say no to murder. You see where I'm getting at here? Why the sign's stupid? Say no to incest. You get you get what I'm saying now? This is definitely an explicit episode. I'm ranting because I'm freaking confused. I'm freaking confused. I'm very confused, okay? I'm just saying, I'm confused. By the way, if you guys are still listening, thank you so much. I can't thank you guys enough. I can't about how much I appreciate you guys listening to the episodes, the messages that you guys send me after. It keeps me going. Thank you so much. One day I will be consistent, okay? One day I will be consistent. So let's say this give me a little bit of grace. I got a lot going on right now in my life, I got a lot of changes. I'm looking for a job, I do comedy, I have a family, I'm married, I have three children, three young children, by the way, that love their time with me, and I hate not being able to have enough time for them, and I need to make sure that I have enough time for everything in my life. So please give me a little bit of grace. But the schedule that I would like is a 15-minute episode coming out on Monday, and a 30-minute episode coming out on Friday. That's what I would like. So you got a 15-minute episode to start your week, get your week going, maybe maybe listen to it on the drive home, and then a 30-minute episode sometime during the weekend. Maybe you're taking a trip, maybe you're doing something or other, I don't know what you're doing, but it's a 30-minute episode that you can that you could listen to, and you could vibe out, we could talk about comedy, and and I could, you know, uh freaking uh tell you about my life and about my journeys, you know, and about things because you guys apparently think they're interesting, because you are they're still listeners. 113 listeners this last two weeks combined, and my episodes weren't even as frequent as I wanted. 113 listeners, thank you guys so much. I love you guys, you guys are amazing. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. You guys are wonderful. I appreciate you, thank you so much. Um, but yeah, let's get back to the sign. So I don't understand this sign, it's just one of those things I don't get. I don't get it. You know, I don't understand why the sign is the way it is. And let me tell you something. And and I and I'm and I'm saying this because I'm trying to work it out as far as bits are concerned, but I'm gonna tell you the not bit part. Okay, I'm gonna tell you a little bit about my childhood, okay? Everybody buckle the fick up. Okay, this is gonna get nuts. Alright? When I was very young, uh I was probably, I don't know, eight years old, seven years old, eight years old. Um, my whole family, my dad, my mom, my two older brothers, myself, we all moved into my grandma's house. My dad's mother. That's a that's a key component, first of all. My dad's mother's house. In my dad's mother's house lived my dad's mother, my nana, my nanita, and my grandfather, her husband, which I think they were technically divorced, uh, and he was a child molester. That's a little fun fact about him. That we had moved in after he had gotten out of prison for molesting children. That's cool. Also lived in the house. My uncle James, my uncle Joe. These are all my my dad's brothers. This is my dad's brothers. He has another brother, by the way. He didn't live with us though. And we moved in there because my grandma needed help. She was going through a lot of stuff, and my grandfather and my two uncles were taking advantage of her and taking her money and living rent-free, mooching uh off of her, and it was just a crazy situation. So we moved in because our family was allegedly normal, and we basically were moving them in to kick them, moving, or we were moving in so that they would get kicked out, essentially, is what was going on. They were getting removed from the home, and we were coming in to like help bring peace to the galaxy. Okay, shout out to Star Wars fans. So this first of all, both of my uncles, alcoholics, drug addicts, maybe not addicts, frequent users, maybe addicts. I don't know. Maybe addicts. My grandfather, definitely a drug addict, alcoholic, child molester. That's wonderful. Yeah, this definitely is an explicit episode. I'm so sorry. So that's who I lived with. Okay. So I moved in there and I was told not to go in anyone's rooms. Especially not my grandfather's room, because he touches children. So that's pretty cool. That was a cool little talk. I'm like, okay, thanks for letting me know. Can I go watch Ninja Turtles now? Can I go play some Xbox? Cause there's nothing like going and playing some Xbox after you hear about your grandfather being a child molester. There's nothing quite like it. Okay. But it was a nightmare living there. I remember terrible memories from there. I don't remember any good memories from there. I remember waking up in the middle of the night. We slept upstairs in the master bedroom. The master bedroom was huge. All of us slept in the master bedroom. My dad, my mom had a big bed, and we all had our own little beds. Me and my two brothers. We had so we had four beds in one room, and we still had so much room. The room was humongous. Humongous room. And it had its own walk-in closet and huge bathroom, bathtub, shower, everything. It was hu humongous. Absolutely humongous. And geez, I mean, frick. Okay, let's keep going with this. Sorry, I was getting a little bit off track. I was I was thinking about something and then I got a little bit off track. That's my bad. That's my bad. That's my bad. Um, okay, so yeah, I used to wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and I would hear porn downstairs. Like they were playing porn on the big TV. And I could hear it. Like through the floor. Because they were playing porn, which is crazy. It's insane. So that was nuts. It was not a great place for kids to be, you know what I'm saying? It's like you can't leave the room, don't go downstairs, don't go in anyone's room, because it's weird, shady people that we live with here. Also, too, and this part's insane. Um, if you already didn't think this was insane, um, there was a live-in prostitute that was servicing my grandfather and my two uncles. Her name was Rochelle. She went her street name was Roach. Because she just wouldn't die. Her street name was Roach, and she used to service all of them in the house. So she'd like, okay, so like we would go downstairs in the morning, and obviously none of them are up in the morning unless they were like high on Coke or whatever, which was nuts, but like most of them were in their room at 7 a. at 7 a.m. or 8 a.m. or whatever. Most of them were in their room, right? My mom would pour us a bowl of cereal, and then out comes Roach. You know, she just had a long night of work. Out comes Roach. Now she's gotta take off, she gotta go somewhere else. You know? But waking up and eating Fruit Loops and Roach comes downstairs, you guys, you just you have just no idea how strange that is that you lived with Roach. It was insane. It was absolutely insane. Um where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. Yeah, just talking about my life. So I'm just I'm trying to figure out how to talk about this. Because when you just say it like that, you people are just like, wow, this was insane. And obviously there was a lot of crazy, insane things that happened there, some of which are in my act. But when you when you step back and you look at it as a whole, you're just like, wow, that's crazy. You lived with the prostitute. I'm like, yeah, we lived with the prostitute, which is crazy. You know what I'm saying? That's that's nuts. Literally. That's absolutely nuts. So geez, what do I gotta say overall here about this? Man, life's crazy, and I'm gonna figure out a bit that has to do with the the living prostitute. Because that that I think that's nuts. I don't think a lot of people have that story. So I gotta talk about that in some way. I think that's that's that's pretty wild. I'm gonna take a swig of water. Take a drink of whatever you got going on, and I hope it's not alcohol. Because if you're driving listening to me and you're drinking alcohol, I don't like that. That's wrong. You should not do that. No, no, no, you should not. You should not. I'm gonna call this episode like very explicit episode or something. I don't know what I'm gonna call it. There's been a lot of stuff talked about so far. So far, so good. Let's go. Um, alright. Well, let's keep going here. I'm uh gonna end this here in just a couple minutes. Um yeah, are you guys happy that you're listening to me? You guys already logged off, you sickos. No, I'm just kidding. I love you guys, you're amazing. Um, I got some comedy shows coming up. I'm very excited. Obviously, this next week is 4th of July. Um, but the week after that starts the heat wave comedy tour. I'm so excited. We're starting off in Temecula, and then we're heading to Redlands, then Joshua Tree, Menife, uh, Palm Desert, Eukaipa, uh Corona, Corona. Uh got more dates coming out. Uh, got more shows that have been booked. I'm very excited about. Got some news coming up for the I.e. comedy festival. If you guys have been curious about that, I had released the dates um earlier this year about the I.e. comedy festival, which I was very excited about. Uh, most I have like pretty much all the venues kind of locked in, but wait, hold on a second. There might be some changes. I've been doing a lot of thinking and and discussions with some people that are close to me, that I really trust uh in the scene, people that I respect, and I might cancel some of the dates. Now, hear me out. I'm not trying to be a flake, okay? I'm not trying to be a flake, I'm not trying to be uh a weirdie, you know what I'm saying? Uh sorry, somebody was trying to get in front of me without using their blinker, and I saved myself from getting hit, which was nice. Oh well. I don't know. People are so strange when they're driving in their vehicles. I'm not perfect either, so I don't really have much to talk about in that way. Oh wow. They're having a bicycle parade. That's pretty cool. There's a okay, let me describe what I'm looking at right now. There is uh a bicycle parade that definitely does not look official that uh is blocking traffic in every direction. Um there's really no other way to say that. They have neon lights on their tires. Um yeah, and people are not happy about it because they're blocking all of the traffic. So, I mean, I wasn't super I didn't honk, but I wasn't happy about it. Uh, but yeah, let's get back to the shows. So the shows, uh, I'm very excited about uh new dates coming up. Uh I'm booked at the ice house uh on October 10th. Uh Davy the Dawn is headlining there. I will be doing a spot at the Ice House, so that'll be pretty cool if you've ever been to the Ice House in Pasadena. It's a really, really amazing, great room. Definitely uh want to check that out. Uh I would appreciate it if you checked it out when I was there. That'd be awesome. Please let me know if you're planning on getting tickets, and I will um freaking give you a high five and blow you a kiss because that would be awesome. Uh, some other things as well. Uh, please make sure you're following the podcasts and the socials, uh, at CarmediPodcast, at Dave Thompson Comedy, at IE Comedy, um, for all of my shows, and obviously at Heat Wave Comedy Tour. If you want to follow the tour specifically, with myself, Melissa, Name, Mike Baker, Mike James, and Pierce Amaro, plus friends and special guests, um, which we're very excited about having. It's pretty awesome. So, definitely want to check that stuff out. Thank you guys so much uh for listening week in and week out. Um man, these guys are like putting lights in my face and all kinds of stuff. This is just it's crazy. Downtown Riverside gets a little nuts. It's just getting a little nuts. I gotta be honest, it's a little crazy. Um so yeah, definitely come check out the shows, please, and thank you. Uh, if you can't come and check out the shows, the next best thing, um, besides following, obviously, would be to share. Maybe you have some friends out in some of the cities that were going, and you'd be like, hey, let me share this flyer that you have, and uh maybe some of my friends will come. That's also super appreciated. So thank you guys uh in advance if you guys don't mind um helping out in that way. That would be really cool, and that would be very appreciated. Uh, America is 200 is turning 250 years old, which in the grand scheme of countries isn't really that old. Um it's barely puberty for some countries. There's a lot of countries where that doesn't really mean much at all. Uh, but yes, uh, I'm very excited. Uh, my my me and my kids were very patriotic. Well, not that my wife isn't, she's too, but we're very patriotic. We love. Love, love, love. We love. Um 4th of July. We love fireworks, we love doing all that stuff. So I hope you guys are safe this next weekend, and you guys hopefully get to spend some time with your families and celebrate America because for as many things that are as wrong about it, there's so many things that we should love about it. And uh, so I hope you guys have a freaking wonderful holiday and a great weekend. And I've been filibustering for two minutes because I was kind of done with what I wanted to say, and then now we're getting closer to the 30 minute mark, which is where I expect myself to record to the 30 minute mark, and I have 10 more seconds. I love you guys so much. You guys are wonderful. I'm blowing kisses through the phone. I have five more seconds. You guys are wonderful. Um, please don't uh blow your hand off with fireworks. Love you, baby.