Episode 11 - GOoDwill Bless America!

Dave talks about being thankful, 4th of July and taking donations to Goodwill!

Shoutout to the public defenders office for supporting this episode!

Please come see me do standup!

@heatwavecomedytour

Please follow me on social media!

@davethompsoncomedy

@iecomedy

@carmedypodcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Carmody Podcast, where comedy meets yourslash my commute. I'm your host, Dave Thompson. And I am filled, filled to the brim, to the absolute brim with gratitude. With gratitude. Gratitude. I'm filled to the brim. Absolutely busting. With gratitude. Freaking. I'm busting. I'm busting.

SPEAKER_01 0:35

You ever you ever feel so full with love and joy and gratitude? To where your heart is just gonna bust. You ever feel you ever you ever get so happy you feel like busting? I'm gonna I'm gonna bust. I'm gonna bust so. I'm gonna bust from gratitude.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

You know why? Because I love my public defender's office. If you know, you know. Shout out Ed Selwyn, funny guy, wonderful guy. That's the boy in blue right there. We love Ed. Ed, thank you. If you guys don't know Ed, you see him. He's in the San Diego area right now, but he he lurks around that Temecula comedy scene and the northern San Diego comedy scene. He's a lurker. You know? He's out there slinging jokes, making people laugh. You know, he's he's lurking around. You know what I'm saying? He's like, oh, I'm retired, but he's freaking lurking and he's funny. He's a funny guy. He's funny looking too. No, I'm just kidding, Ed. No, Ed's freaking handsome and freaking muscular. And I'm gonna be honest with you, the only reason I said that last one, Ed, because I know you're listening, is because I wanted you to feel uncomfortable. But I appreciate ya. Ed, you're unbelievable. You're a masterclass citizen. And for the rest of you, this is episode number 11. Thank you so much for patiently waiting. My goodness, there's so much to talk about. First and foremost, I got a name. If you're a fan of the pod, you now have a name. You guys ready? This is the name for my fans that are fans of the pod. Are you ready? Are you freaking ready? Your car, like C-A-R, Car medians. Car medians! That's what you are. If you're a fan of the pod, you're a car median. Like a comedian, but a car median. Like you run your car over the median if you're a bad driver, you're a car median. That's what it is. I love that. What's up, car medians and new car medians? Fourth of July just happened. Let me tell you what my week was like. July 2nd, I headlined above the Iron Comedy Club. I told Frank, I said, I'm gonna sell it out. It's gonna be nuts, okay? I got a red, white, and blue shirt, America hat, I got an American flag cape to wear on stage. I went on stage to I'm proud to be an American, and at least I know I'm free. I won't forget the man who died and came that right to me, and I gladly stand up. And then I had them bust streamers, they busted streamers, pop pop, the streamers following on me on stage. God bless the US, it ripped, absolutely ripped. July 2nd, that was fun. Uh, did not sell out whatsoever. I got like five people, it was super sick, but still one of the funnest shows ever. Cause even if you only have five people, two people, three people, they took time out of their night. Where they could have been other places at a bar, at a restaurant, at some other live local entertainment, and they said to themselves, let me go see a comedian, let me go see comedy with my night. That's what they did, and we put on a freaking sick show for them. I love that. The next day, July 3rd. I did a couple spots at Above the Iron, a little opener spots. So I did little little 10-minute spots twice on both shows. That was fun. July 4th, man. Let me tell you about my fourth. My fourth was sick. My fourth, I stayed home, first of all. Normally I'm working. But I stayed home, spent time with the family. I cooked. I cooked two racks of ribs, baby. Let's go. And I finally cooked pulled pork. I've been wanting to do it. I cooked almost four pounds of pearl pork. Which, by the way, can we talk about pulled pork for a second? Can we talk about some pulled pig? You use Coca-Cola to cook pulled pig. I was looking up all the recipes, and the best one I saw in the crock pot on high for eight hours, you rub the beef or the pork, sorry, not the beef, fick! Wrong animal. You rub the pork with a little salt, a little pepper, a little onion powder, a little garlic powder. You heard? And then you could brine it if you want. You could brine it. I didn't brine it, but you can. You could brine it if you want. And then, and then you put it in the crock pot. Eight hours on low. Eight hours on low. And you and then you fill the crock pot with Coca-Cola. And I'm like, what? I asked my mom about that. I was like, is that normal? She goes, yeah. She says, I use Dr. Pepper. I was like, what? Dr. Pepper? To cook the pig? What? So I ended up using Coca-Cola, and it was actually insane. It was melting your mouth. It was easily shreddable, delicious pulled pork. First time I did it, and we went all out. We had baked mac and cheese, we had baked beans, we had corn on the cob, bacon wrapped, asparagus, freaking watermelon, 20-pound watermelon. Did we eat the whole thing? Frick yeah, we did. God bless America! Frick yeah, we ate that whole watermelon. You kidding me? Frick outta here. Frick outta here. Kidding me right now. Insane. Okay. Yes, we did that. It was a lot of fun. Uh saw the fireworks. Kids love the fireworks. I love the fireworks, but I start noticing myself complaining about them. Like, oh, the grand finale is not as long as I want it to be. Which is hilarious. Um next day I moved out of my storage unit. Says July 5th. I moved out of my storage unit. Um, was in it for a couple of years. We needed to move stuff and condense stuff, put stuff in new bins and totes and all this stuff. And so finally, that's over with. Uh, Monday and Tuesday this week, because today's Wednesday when I'm recording the first part of this. Uh, I haven't done anything comedy-wise. Uh, I've just been getting ready for this freaking heat wave comedy tour, baby. Heat wave comedy tour. Look, let me pause this pod for one second. I'm gonna try this pause feature. I'm gonna pick it back up tomorrow morning, and I'm gonna tell you guys all about the heat wave comedy tour, okay? And we're back, baby. We're freaking back. The pause feature worked. Now it's Thursday. Tootaloo, youhoos! Yes, I was talking about the heatwave comedy tour. Super stoked tomorrow. The heat wave comedy tour begins! Uh, Dark Helmet Tattoo in Temecula. Shout out Kevin Deck Bar, the owner of Dark Helmet Tattoo, the absolute man. He's wonderful. I'm super excited to bring this tour and host the show at his shop. Uh, if you need any tattoos, definitely check it out. This guy is an absolute menace when it comes to the ink. An absolute ink menace. Um, yeah, continuing on. Uh, I haven't really done any mics this week. I know I kind of already mentioned that. Uh, tonight I'm gonna do a couple spots uh towards San Diego. I'm gonna head down to San Diego County right now and do some door dashing and do some spots down there. I did want to mention earlier, I I'm not saying this for like like bragging, but like I took stuff to Goodwill earlier. I don't know why that seems so weird when you tell people you donate stuff. I'm not trying to be weird about it. So I took things to Goodwill earlier, and the particular one that I took them to wanted me to separate every item in every bag, and there was just kind of items everywhere, if I'm being honest with you. There was literally stuff like all different kinds, like you know, stuff for your house or clothes or toys or whatever, like kind of just thrown in bags, and and I thought they like sort that stuff, but they were like not sorting it, and they wanted me to sort it, and were like, oh, this is this bid, this is this big, and they wanted me to sort it, and I'm like, Yeah, I'm I'm not sorting it. Like, I'm not going to sort all this stuff for you and line it up for you so that you can go put a tag on it and go sell it. Like, that's actually not gonna happen. You know what I'm saying? That's not gonna happen. So you can freaking. That's bad will. That's not goodwill, that's freaking bad will. It's goodwill not. Bad will not. Yes. Like, this person is hired to separate the items and put tags on them, and they're asking me to do their job, and I'm like, nah, I'm good. Okay? Purple haired person? Okay? Feeling a little lazy? Are you hung over? You hung over? You're a little tired? So you're not motivated at your job at Goodwill because you're a little tired? Are you a little tired? Been up late at night protesting, person? You've been protesting? You sick oh? So I don't know if that person was protesting. That's just a riff. Uh, but look, here's here's the deal. I feel like if you're gonna take stuff to fill up their store with things to sell to people, they should separate it. And I'm not like intentionally trying to put stuff everywhere. I'm not trying to cause a ruckus. I'm also not trying to sort everything. So they just they have to meet you in the middle and they just gotta do it. That's it. They just they just gotta do it. Um, I would love to let's talk about this. I don't know if this happened to any of you guys, but have you guys ever went to a job interview at a certain place and then you didn't get the job, and then you didn't wanna ever go back there because you're freaking pissed. You're freaking pissed off. You know what I mean? Well, I I I do that, but my problem is that I've applied everywhere, so now I just can't go anywhere without just being upset. You know, we go to the doctor's and I'm like, freaking look at this stupid cafeteria, how dirty it is. I could have been cleaning this cafeteria. You know, I applied to be a janitor here, you know that, right? Or we go to a restaurant, our food comes out like way later than it should, or it's not the right temperature. I'm like, I could have been the manager here, I could have made all this, I could have made all this work. You know what I'm saying? Or I went to the car wash. This actually happened today. I went to the car wash. The person spraying the car as I went through the car wash was the guy that interviewed me that said no. So now he's spraying my car. And then, you know, a little bit of water gets left on it, a little bit of watermarks, not everything dries on it. And I'm like, you know what? If I was the manager, if I was the manager or one of the managers here, I could have made sure that didn't happen. I would have made sure this machine is working better. You know what I'm saying? I would have done that. He's not gonna do that because he's not he's not me. I I but it sucks when you apply so many places because then you start realizing everywhere you go, nobody wants you. You know what I mean? It's like everywhere you go. Like I haven't applied, okay, so like the in the city next to me, like out of all the places in the plaza to work. Like the one place I haven't worked is like or applied for is like Victoria's Secret. That's like that's it. You know? And but to be honest with you, the only reason I haven't applied to work at Victoria's Secret is that I I just don't want people to know that I wear women's underwear. That's really the only reason. Because I would know everything about them. I would know everything. JK Nah, I just I could I couldn't work better. I could not work at Victoria's Secret. You know? I just I wouldn't make fun of too many people. That's really what it is. I know they're an equal opportunity employer, but I would I would make fun of people. Like, because you know, here's the thing, right? When you're a guy and you're with a girl, and you go into Victoria's Secret, you have to be so careful where you're looking. You know? Unless you guys have like an arrangement where she doesn't get upset when you look at other people or things. But you kinda gotta just freaking pay attention to what's going on in front of you. You know what I'm saying? You gotta just You gotta just not be looking where you're not supposed to, so you don't get in trouble. You know what I mean? It's like women everywhere looking around at thongs and undies and stuff and perfumes and all this stuff. It's a little sexy shop. And there's a lot of women and and some dudes in there. You know, the women bring their dudes in there, like, oh, you like this? And then, and then yeah, you're like freaking, you know. Frick yeah, yeah, I like that. But then you also gotta not pay attention to anyone else around you. You know what I'm saying? Don't don't strike up a conversation unless it's with another dude. You know? Maybe two women go off to go in the in the dressing room to go get changed to to see if they like something, you know, and then the dudes are just sitting out there freaking. Be careful, you know. You can talk to the boys, though. You could you can always talk to the boys, you know. You can always talk to the boys, but you gotta be careful where you're looking, you know what I'm saying? Ain't trying to get in trouble. I ain't never trying to get in trouble. I remember this one time, and this has always helped me, and this is a little. I don't think my wife listens to this, but even if she did, I wouldn't care. Uh this one time, my dad, I seen my dad, he saw this woman walking into Costco. It was me, my mom, and my dad. He saw this woman walking into Costco. I didn't even pay attention to the woman. But he like, I don't know, maybe looked at her just a little bit too long. And then, and then after they passed each other, he he turned around. He turned around so he could see the backside. He turned around in front of my mom. In front of my mom, he turned around to see some cheeks.

SPEAKER_01 17:20

He turned, he turned around.

SPEAKER_00 17:24

What an absolute buffoon. You know what I'm saying? And she was pissed. She's like, Oh, oh, you like what you see? Why don't you go get her then? Why don't you go home with her then? And he's like, Oh, well, oh freaking uh think I might have known her. Known her? Where the frick would you know her from? She don't work at a grocery store like you do. Frick out of here. He might have known her. Maybe she was a star of uh pornographic films or a stripper or some prostitute he used to hang out with. I don't know. He might have known her. But he was laughing when he said it. So it didn't really seem super genuine. You know? You ever laugh at the wrong time? You know? Like you're writing a eulogy and you're gonna speak at somebody's funeral and you start laughing. It's not funny. Them dip them being dead is not funny. But for some reason, when you say certain words or when certain things come up in life, they're just funny. I don't know what to tell you. They're just funny. So yeah, just be careful. Dudes that are going out to Victoria's Secret. I don't think dude are dudes allowed in Victoria's Secret without a woman? Can dudes go in there? I'm sure they can, right? Can dudes go in Victoria's Secret by themselves? That seems like so creepy. Just like a dude going in there. Let me just go see, let me just go see women shopping around for undies. You know? Those guys that like steal underwear out of women's apartments and stuff. Those freaking chony sniffers, those those those weird freaking sicko's, psychos?

SPEAKER_01 19:14

Those those freaking why is there freaking I don't know why it's thinking me laugh so much.

SPEAKER_00 19:25

Dude, there's just some freaking sickos out there. And and and they be the the panty snatchers, you know, those guys are freaking freaks. Those guys, those people, those whoever. I don't give a freak.

SPEAKER_01 19:39

Siccos!

SPEAKER_00 19:41

Absolute sickos. Um, geez. I'm off the rails right now. I'm off the rails right now. There was just so much stuff in my brain. I'm just like, talk about this, talk about this, talk about this, and then and then I hit record, and then it's just like streaking. Just blowing my mind. Uh DoorDash. Uh let me tell you something. So sometimes DoorDash will say, You're gonna make this much plus an unknown amount, and they always reel you in. It's like you're gonna make ten dollars plus, and you don't know what the bus is. The other day, I delivered to the headquarters of an ambulance place. I don't know, AMR, whatever the I don't know what it is. Headquarters for where they have all the ambulances, wherever that's at. It was a pickup catering order from Jersey Mics. It said I was gonna make, I think, 15 bucks plus. I was like, okay, well, 15 bucks is worth it already because it's like three minutes away from Jersey Rights. So I drove to Jersey Mics, picked up this huge order, it was like 30 sandwiches, couple bags, big catering bags, took it over there, and it ended up being that they left me a $55 tip. But I didn't know that at the beginning. I wouldn't have known that if I wouldn't have taken the order. If I would have been like, oh, I don't want $15, and I and I just declined it, I would have missed out on the $55 tip. Now, most orders show you exactly what tip you're getting already up front. Most of them do. But certain ones, I guess that they order maybe online through the apps or whatever, and then Doordash gets contracted to do the pickup or whatever the case may be. I end up getting that tip, and they left me $55. So it was a $70 order that took me like 15 minutes to do total. Because they drove a couple minutes to the store, I went inside the store, waited for a couple minutes to get all the sandwiches, went over there, drove over there, waited for somebody to get them from me, and it was yeah, probably about 15 minutes total. Maybe even a minute or two less. 13 to 15 minutes total for $70. And like, if if every order was this easy, I would never need money. I would always have, you know what I'm saying? But not every order's this easy. Sometimes I have to work for four hours to make $70. And then other times I make $70 in 13 minutes. You know what I mean? But let me tell you the flip side of this. Sometimes you get these orders and it'll say $10. $10 plus. And then you finish the order and you get $10.50. And you realize that the plus was 50 cents. Which is like the lowest plus they can give you. 50 cents is like the lowest. And so that's kind of jacked up. That makes me freaking sad when that happens. Makes me really freaking bummed out. When you go and you do the order and then you don't even really get a tip. But what are you gonna do? I need Starbucks immediately. Hold on, let me make a Starbucks run real quick. Alright, baby, we're back in business. This pause feature is insane. I didn't even know that they uh you had that, and then now I do. So let's make it sick. Alright, look, here's the deal. Here's what I'm gonna say. Okay, car medians, I I appreciate you guys so much. Thank you so much for all the support and the messages and the love that you guys give to the pod, the the the Spotify comments, the the Apple podcast comments. Um if we guys listen on iHeartRadio, I know there's somebody who listens on iHeartRadio. Thank you so much. You guys are so wonderful. I appreciate you listening to the pod. Uh, and I'm gonna keep doing it. I love doing it. Sometimes it gets a little pricey, you know, with life, and and I had somebody help out, somebody wonderful, somebody gorgeous help out, and is like, hey, I want the pod, I'm gonna pay for the pod, you better put the pod out. And so now it's out. So there you go. So thank you so much. Thank you so much. Uh let's okay, we gotta we gotta discuss this really quick. We have to discuss this. First and foremost, movie theaters. Movie theaters. I saw a video the other day of somebody getting upset that they were getting kicked out of a movie theater. They were getting upset. Okay, it was a guy s uh sensually, is that better? Sexually stimulating his girlfriend or side piece or whatever, I don't know who she is to him, with his hands in a movie theater. And, you know, the people walk through the movie theater and they make sure nothing crazy's happening. They kind of caught him off guard because they didn't see him, right? He put the flashlight up and he sees the business happening, or at least that's the story. And then the dude starts recording that was doing the hand motions to his lady, and is like, yo, what are you doing? You're like, we're just sitting here, blah blah blah. And he's like, No, you guys gotta go, you guys gotta go, you're like, we're gonna call the cops on you, you guys gotta go, and he's freaking the frick out, and it's like you're ruining the movie experience for everyone. You know what I'm saying? Like the movie experience is getting ruined. So here's my question to you guys, okay? And it's not whether or not you guys have ever done something sexual in a movie theater. That's not what I want to know, you weirdos. This is what I want to know. If something crazy happens in the movie theater, do you want because there's no rewinding the movie, right? I don't think there's is there rewinding of the movie? I don't know if there's rewinding of the movie. Would you rather have them rewind it if possible, or have them give you tickets so that you could go see the movie again and have like a whole new experience? You know what I'm saying? So, like one time, the only time this has ever remotely happened to me, and it wasn't somebody doing something sexual, was one time we were watching a movie and it was super quiet, and they couldn't turn the volume up for some reason. I don't know what happened with the volume, but the volume just disappeared. And it was like on a let's say it was on a TV, it was like a 10 when the TV should have been on 80, you know, because we're in a movie theater with Dolby Speaker. So they told us that they couldn't fix the volume, that they'd be more than happy to close caption it for us if we wanted to finish, or collectively, together, we could all just get refunds and come back another time or see it in another movie theater. And some people were like, nah, I'll watch it with closed captions, it's fine. And I'm like, freak out of here. I don't want to see this in closed captions. Which, by the way, I'm gonna tell you what movie it was. It was Lord of the Rings Return of the King. Okay? No way I'm seeing that movie without audio. No way. We're talking about Lord of the Freaking Rings. By the way, when I went to New Zealand when I was 17 years old, I went to the set of the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. Shout out. Um yeah, I'm not I'm not seeing that movie in freaking closed captions. We're talking about some amazing sequences. We're talking about Gondor. The Battle of Gondor. We're talking about Aragorn going up, Aragorn, the king, going up to the gates of Mordor. The gates of Mordor. Aragorn. In the extended version, he chops off the head of the freaking Sauron Hedgman, and then he gets off his horse, he looks back at everyone, he looks back at him, he looks back at it. Okay? And then he says with complete silence, and you could just hear his voice, he goes, for Frodo. And then he turns around and king first, king first, he charges the armies of freaking Mordor. And then everyone goes insane. Could you imagine seeing that scene that's so quiet but so beautiful with closed captions? I saw closed captions for Frodo, and then I can't even hear them all screaming bloody battle roars because they're gonna go kill all these freaking frickers and then go destroy the one true ring. Man, I couldn't have done that. I just got a text message about a job. That's nice. Hopefully, I'll get a job. I would love to get a job. That would be wonderful getting a job. Alright, guys, uh, that's been episode 11. Thank you so much for listening to the Car Media podcast. I love you, Carmedians. You guys are wonderful. Thank you so much uh for the sponsorship. Thank you so much for the shout-outs, thank you so much for the comments, thank you so much for the concerns when the episodes weren't coming out. Um, thank you so much for everybody that is coming out to the Heat Wave comedy tour. Those who have tickets and don't have tickets, if you don't have them, please get them soon because the tickets are almost gone for most of our shows. Uh and yeah, I'm looking forward to 11.5, uh, which is gonna come out sooner rather than later because this one was already kind of late uh by three days. So that is what it is. Uh but yeah, have a wonderful week, uh, wonderful weekend, a wonderful day, a wonderful nap, a wonderful time. Thank you for being you. The world is better with you. God bless you, you're wonderful, and have a great day. And I hope you enjoy some food. Alright.