Rewiring Attachment: How God Heals Our Relational Patterns

Transcript

Introduction to Attachment Theory

Speaker 1 0:06

Hey friends, welcome to the Theo Psych Project podcast. We are so glad you're here with us as we dive into the powerful topic of attachment theory. Before we get started, I want to remind you if you have not subscribed to our newsletter, the Fight Within, on Substack, you're going to want to do that. It's packed with deeper insights, expanded research resources that go beyond what we cover here on the podcast, and here's why it matters. Everything we do, guys, is grounded both in God's Word and in rigorous, evidence-based science. We're constantly digging into non-biased research, comparing it to scripture and exposing what you know pop culture gives us those false narratives and comparing that to biblical truth, and our goal here is to bring you 100% of the truth clear, uncompromising, transformative truth. So if you want more than just a conversation on this podcast, I highly recommend you run over to Substack and you find the fight within. If you want actual studies, diagrams and handouts to help you apply this in real life, make sure to do that so that just you have the full depth and the most bang for your buck there. All right, well, let's get started. So our topic tonight again is attachment theory, and I'm sure that you're very familiar with it, as it tends to be super popular on those Instagram reels.

Speaker 1 1:28

What's my attachment style, right? Secure, anxious, avoidant, disorganized? Well, I don't really like labels, though. I have been in the mental health system for nearly 20 years, I am a traumatologist and we do have to use those to name the patterns in psychology. But listen, labels don't heal you. All right, and I love neuroscience because we use those patterns to trace back pathways into the brain to begin to understand the human experience. But again, I have to speak the truth here. Only the living God can rewrite your story with you, all right? Well, let's just sit in this tension for one moment. What does it mean that my body remembers? What does that mean? Well, what does it mean that research in psychology and neuroscience scream out truth that scripture declared thousands of years ago. Well, let's get real about that. Attachment wounds the soul, faculties the body, the spirit. One thing I can tell you right now is that the body will not lie to you. All right, your body will not lie to you, and scripture confirms this and science confirms this. If you haven't read the book the Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk, I am recommending that book to you because it talks about the scientific evidence behind our body telling us the truth about what is going on.

Speaker 1 3:04

Attachment theory begins with John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 20th century. If you have not read their research again, if you go ahead and you look at the newsletter, you're going to find the research there and it is really interesting. But the research pretty much shows us what I think every parent instinctively knows when a child is consistently loved and nurtured, they grow up into a well-rounded, secure adult right. All right, well, that's psychology. But scripture got there first. Isaiah 49, 15 says can a mother forget her nursing child? Though she may forget, I will not forget you.

Speaker 1 3:46

God is already talking about the insecure attachment right. Secure attachment looks like this Trust is the baseline. A spouse gets home late, and there's no panic, there's just patience. A friend forgets to text you back, and there's no spiraling, there's just grace. That is a strength, that is love without fear. Neuroscience shows us that securely attached children actually develop stronger prefrontal cortex regulation. All right, that's what we call the PFC, the logical brain that calms down your limbic system, that houses the amygdala where that fear alarm sits. Translation trust literally rewires your brain. John writes about this in the Bible. He says perfect love casts out fear First. John 4, 18. Science is already nodding its head saying amen, don't you just love that? You love when you read science and you go, yeah, scripture already showed us that.

Anxious Attachment: The Spiral of Fear

Speaker 1 4:51

Well, let's get raw with anxious attachment. You know this one. You send a text. They don't respond Five minutes, 10 minutes. You're spiraling. I've been there, I know you've been there. If you have the anxious attachment I have had the anxious attachment are they mad at me? Did I say something wrong? Are they leaving me, right? Or we overshare, or we're following up with, you know, 15 text messages, you know, trying to make sure that everything's okay, all right. Research confirms what you feel. Your amygdala is in the control seat right now, right In the anxiously attached adult. The amygdala is hyperactive. It is constantly scanning for danger or abandonment or rejection. Again, all this research is in our newsletter.

Avoidant Attachment: Love on Lockdown

Speaker 1 5:43

You know, one of the things that I really hate about, you know, this attachment is that pop culture calls it clingy, right. The Bible calls it fear. But what does the world tell you about it? The world, the pop culture, would say make them prove it, demand reassurance, blow up their phone until he answers, right. But the reality is, what does God's word say? There's a problem with reassurance that will never stick. The amygdala is going to fire again and again and again, and the cycle goes over and over. And the truth is, people, we were never meant to carry that kind of weight, that kind of obsessive security need. Scripture says never will I leave you, never will I forsake you. Hebrews 13, 5. Do you see? Psychology names the wound. Neuroscience maps out the alarm, but scripture offers the cure Covenantal love will never leave you. Right, and that is what we have to believe to move from this anxious attachment into a more secure attachment. Now, there's a lot more involved in healing this attachment wound and we'll get to that.

Speaker 1 7:03

But let's move on to the next one, avoidant attachment. I call it love on lockdown. Let's move right in. I don't need anyone, I'm fine. Right, they look strong, but inside they're starving.

Speaker 1 7:19

Research shows avoidant attached adults deactivate their attachment system. What does that mean Basically? They shut down emotions, they suppress their own needs, but their cortisol still spikes under stress. Their body tells them the truth, but they still believe a lie. Right, and we can see in pop culture that they glamorize it. Right. Be independent, not just independent, be hyper independent. You don't need anyone. Protect yourself, protect your vibe right.

Speaker 1 7:54

Genesis 2.18 cuts through. It is not good for a man to be alone. It is not good for a man to be alone. John Paul II studied the theology of the body and he did 129 catechisms on the theology of the body and basically it comes down to this your body will not lie to you. So while avoidance says I'm good, I don't care, avoid it says I'm good, I don't care. Your body whispers back yes, you do. You were made for communion. Your loneliness betrays your own words, your own body.

Speaker 1 8:37

All right, moving on to number four, disorganized attachment. And you know this one really comes from a heavy amount of trauma. This one, when we come to this disorganized attachment, we see the most devastating moment here. Picture this a child running to their parent for comfort, but that parent is also the one who hurt them. Comfort and fear collapse in this one, and fear collapse in this one. This is the child who freezes I need you, but I am terrified of you. And as adults it really becomes chaotic. Right, come close. Wait, no, go away. Wait. I want intimacy. No, I don't. I don't trust you. I really want your love. I'm going to sabotage it right. This is what that relationship dynamic looks like, and research confirms this. Disorganized attachment is strongly correlated to childhood trauma and abuse. Again, you can find the research in this in our newsletter.

Speaker 1 9:34

But trauma rewires the brain, it splits the signals between safety and danger. And again, if we're looking at culture, we we can say you know, I've seen the Instagram reels, I've seen what they tell you Cut off toxic people, trust no one right, guard your energy. I think I've seen that a lot. But scripture would tell you something quite different. Psalms 2710 says though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me right? So where culture will tell you to cut it off, scripture is going to tell you to openly get vulnerable to receive the Lord. You know, do you hear the gospel in that right? Human attachment wounds are so real, they mark our nervous system, they flood our memories, our bodies. But God himself steps in as the secure base that we maybe never had right growing up, and Jesus becomes the most faithful parent, the safest spouse, the best friend who will never betray you.

Speaker 1 10:41

And so I want to go deeper here, into the lens of the theology of the body, the faculties of the soul, one of the areas that I just absolutely love studying and I really just love this statement so much. Your body does not lie to you. I want you to remember that when your chest tightens, when your stomach drops, when your hands shake, that is not weakness, that is your nervous system saying this matters. I want you to pay attention. The soul has three faculties. All right, scripture tells us this the mind, the will, the heart or the emotions where we feel. You know our desires, right? Sin corrupts each. The mind begins to believe lies. The will begins to choose rebellion based upon the lies the mind has believed. And what happens? The heart craves idols or fig leaves, right To cover, to protect itself.

Speaker 1 11:49

But watch this Neuroscience. If you look at the research right About trauma, you can see. Neuroscience says trauma traps us in the limbic system, specifically in the amygdala, the fear center, convincing us that the past is still happening in the present, even though it's not. And psychology says healing. This requires that we turn on the prefrontal cortex. Remember I called it the PFC. All right, that's the front part of your brain. We have to turn it online. Romans 12 says be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Right, that means you've got to use different language. You've got to speak to yourself differently. You've got to reintegrate your brain because right now, the limbic system is not speaking to the prefrontal cortex, so we're offline.

Speaker 1 12:47

So how do we heal this? Well, let me give it to you straight. First of all, according to the research, we've got to name it. We've got to name the emotions and this calms the amygdala. Scripture already told us. This Scripture tells us confession. Right, if we confess, he is faithful and just to forgive.

Speaker 1 13:09

Now I want you to understand this. I am not saying that your emotions are sinful. I am not saying that you are in sin because you carry a wound. Okay, what I am saying is, if we look at David and Psalms, david was not always in sin, but what was he always doing? He was praying to God without ceasing and telling God everything about his life, everything about what he was dealing with. And the reality is is that it doesn't matter if you are in sin or you are not in sin. Keeping the line of communication open with God is saying God, this is where I am, this is where my heart is, this is where my pain is, this is where I am and I need you in it. All right, so we're going to name it.

Speaker 1 13:59

Then, step two we're going to listen to our body. I mean, god's word says that the spirit of God, right, is searching the inner parts of the man. Your body is not your enemy, it is the lamp exposing hidden rooms through the spirit of God. So hear me say that when your body is having the tightness of chest, the clenching of the jaw, the need to get out of the room right now, because I need to avoid all of this emotion, there is something going on and you need to listen to your body, not ignore it, not suppress it. And, number three, you need to anchor in truth.

Speaker 1 14:43

Culture tells us to trust our feelings, but hopefully by now you know that even science says that is unreliable. Even scientific evidence says and shows feelings are unreliable indicators of the present reality. Right, they cannot be trusted. So this isn't just scripture that's telling us this, this is science that's backing up scripture. Scripture says think on what is true, right In Philippians 4.8. I think that's right, philippians 4.8. It says think on what is true, right. Think about what is noble and pure and the heavenly things above.

Speaker 1 15:21

Step four attach anew. That is so important. Neuroscience shows us the only way to heal an insecure attachment is through secure relationships. We have to have safe bonds. They rewire our brain. You know it's interesting because scripture will tell us that God has adopted us into his family right, and he will talk to us and show us the importance in his word through the fellowship of the body of Christ. But what I want you to understand is that as you dig so much deeper into neuroscience, you can see in the faculties of the brain, in the brain. We were created for community. Our brain dumps so many feel-good chemicals in our body when we feel securely attached to a community.

Speaker 1 16:16

So listen, the gospel is not just a ticket to heaven. It is secure attachment for the soul with the Father. He is telling you I will not leave you. Soul with the father. He is telling you I will not leave you, I am with you always. And it is the spirit that bears witness, with your spirit, with your soul, that you have God with you wherever you go, whatever you do, whatever you're feeling. So you may have been told right that you're anxious. You have this anxious attachment. Maybe you've done the online test and you've been told you're avoidant, or you've been told that you're disorganized. But I want to tell you this what's more important is that you realize how much God loves you and that you were made for secure attachment with God, who never lies, who never leaves, who never forsakes.

Regulating Your Nervous System

Speaker 1 17:10

And psychology shows us that these wounds, that they go, and if you leave them untreated, if you don't work to heal them right, you spiral worse. You spiral into a worse place than you are now. These wounds have to be addressed. We cannot continue to sit there and ignore them. It's very important that we work towards healing these wounds within us. All right. So how do we do that? Well, neuroscience traces the scar. We need to listen to our neurobiology. We need to listen to our physiology.

Speaker 1 17:51

Where do you feel this in the body? Where do you feel this when you don't feel safe? Where do you feel it at in your body? I need you to trace it back. If you don't have a memory for it. If I said to you when was the last time you felt like this and you don't have a memory for it. If I said to you when was the last time you felt like this and you don't have a memory for it, I want you to think about the last time that your body was in this place when you were younger. I want you to trace it all the way back to the way that you felt All right, and we're not going with that pop culture, bandaid stuff, right?

Speaker 1 18:24

We're not going with hyper independence or putting people in their place. We actually need to heal and not avoid it, and the gospel offers us a new heart and a new spirit and a new family, but that starts with naming it. So find out where you're feeling that in your body and name it. I feel it in my chest right, or I feel it in my stomach right. And then I want you to think. If I can't remember when this started, I want to think about when I started feeling that way. So I might not have a specific visual memory, but we can often feel the last time that we felt that way. We can remember that feeling. And so you know hear me say this Once you start tracking it back, you start identifying when you started to believe the lie Because, remember, the body's not the one that lies to you, but the brain can be deceived, the mind can be deceived into believing that you are not safe.

Warrior Podcast Preview

Speaker 1 19:22

But I want you to track that and then going back to that place and grounding yourself. Neuroscience shows us that when we spend time in worship, when we spend time in prayer, when we spend time journaling, when we spend time grounding ourselves, that means speaking the scriptures over us, that means being present through deep breathing, right and really allowing ourselves, our bodies, to be in a safe place, right, and then we involve ourselves in a community of believers that we can trust and our body knows that we are safe. Then we begin to heal. Why? Because the anxious soul hears I am safe. The avoidant soul hears I am wanted. The disorganized soul hears you are received. And if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. So it's really important that we take the time to invest in ourselves getting better here. So I will leave you with this. It's really important. This is no fluff, this is no. We're not watering down opinions here. I am encouraging you to get in your word, to pray, to read scripture over yourself and over your life, to spend time in worship, to get into a community where you have trusted people and to be able to build those relationships and start to shift your mind into being in the prefrontal cortex, into being present in your life. These small things change the way that you view yourself in your relationships and you begin to develop into more secure attachments, thank you. So the reality is is that secure attachment is not a personality, it is a regulated nervous system in safe bonds, all right. So as you begin to read the research across the decades of work, it shows that reliable, truthful connections develop a calmer amygdala right they decrease the false alarm.

Speaker 1 23:05

A stronger prefrontal cortex, that PFC right up front, right that constant engagement. You have to be intentional to engage the PFC right. So I'll give you an example. You have one of those moments where you're triggered and you feel unsafe and maybe you have this need to kind of you know panic or stress or ruminate or avoid, kind of right You're avoiding and stepping away, or you're kind of hyper independent. I need you to not step into that place. I need you to stop the moment that you're realizing and that you're doing it and move into your prefrontal cortex and engage it for a better perspective, for impulse control. Ask yourselves these questions Is what you're experiencing now based on the facts and the present situation? Do you have all the information or are you basing it on a previous wound? Right?

Speaker 1 24:06

We really want to strengthen the prefrontal cortex engagement here. And it's really important that we integrate memories. We don't flood when you ruminate and ruminate and ruminate. You're just flooding harmful memories over and over and over. I need you to redirect those thoughts right. And the other thing is we've got to engage our vagus nerve right so that parasympathetic rest and connect capacity. That goes back into where I'm talking about grounding yourself. You've got to engage in prayer. You've got to engage in journaling. You've got to engage in worship. Turn on some worship music and get your mind out of the rumination right or out of the amygdala the false alarm and into the truth. You've got to reconnect your capacity to rest and this is really important because we're disengaging the amygdala and we're re-engaging the prefrontal cortex and by doing that we strengthen it. This is scientific evidence. I am not telling you anything that is not in the neuroscience journals. And we've got to do this because it also increases oxytocin in the body. That is the chemical that literally says we are safe, right.

Speaker 1 25:31

It is important to have oxytocin for trusting and for bonding okay. And I need you. I need you to bond with the Lord. I need you to seek out God and invite him in Secure love. Echoes the covenant love of God. Hebrews 13, 5,. I will never leave you nor forsake you. John 4.18,. 1 John 4.18,. Perfect love cast out fear. Scripture calls for truth in love, honesty without abandonment and boundaries without contempt.

Speaker 1 26:05

When distress hits, the body speaks first. Remember that I said that you need to ask your body what it's telling you. Theologically, clinically, the body tells the truth of one's history. It tells you signals, while the soul can only pick up on half-truths, because the reality is its faculties, are the mind and the will, and those can be disrupted and manipulated. Right, we can be deceived, but the body is not going to lie to you. Therefore, when it interprets or it signals to you that something is wrong, we've got to regulate it all, right. So take 90 seconds to reset whatever that takes and that can be breathing.

Speaker 1 26:55

Inhale, exhale, right. Name the state that is affecting you right now. Right, what is happening? I'm having fear, I'm having anger or shame? What is going on? Orient yourself to being in the present and getting back into your prefrontal cortex. Okay, and is truth is so important? Right, we need to call out the truth. Right? I said that a minute ago, we need to run by. What am I feeling and is this based in the past or is this based on facts and faith? Right, god is with you in this moment.

Speaker 1 27:30

You need to acknowledge that when research shows us that naming our emotions, engaging our prefrontal areas, reduces the limbic activity, slows down the exhaling and the orientation increases with the vagal nerve and that calms us. And it's so interesting, right, that neuroscience would tell us and show us this, because scripture already says be still and know. Well, what I encourage you to do is to find the time this week to really work on grounding yourself in a spirit-led formation, in a relational practice. Right, give your body time to breathe. Do a trigger map, right, when your body rises up and there are things that are happening, identify where that feeling is coming from in the body and when was the last time that you really felt that and the time before that, and really build that map to understanding where this is coming from. And then I want to remind you is coming from. And then I want to remind you choose a safe person, a spouse, a friend, a mentor, a church community and share where you're at with them. Share it with God. You know, god's word tells us to pray without ceasing. Take the time to spend with the Lord.

Speaker 1 28:51

Neuroscience shows regulation in the moments of worship and prayer, and remember that when we are confessing, it doesn't necessarily mean that we are in sin. When we are confessing, we are speaking out loud honesty about where we are right. When God asked Adam, where are you? He didn't ask Adam because he didn't know where Adam was. He asked Adam so Adam could identify where Adam was. And Adam spoke that out loud. Lord, my fear grabbed control of me, but I want to receive your steadfast love and remember that I told you that, while neuroscience and psychology and counseling and all of that is important, there's so much education, there's so much knowledge there, right, and they teach us so much about understanding and the psychodynamics of everything but only God, his spirit, is what heals the attachment wounds. His spirit is what repairs the ruptures. That has happened this side of heaven, and thank you, guys so much for listening.

Speaker 1 30:05

One last thing before we close out. Please remember that next time that we do a podcast on September I think it's the first it's the first week of September we are going to be dropping the Warriorism podcast and I am so super excited about this. Listen, my husband wrote a book called Warriorism he's going to talk about it. He's going to empower us and bring in some truths about God's word, about the neurobiology and the personality of a warrior, and it's really important because, though it speaks to men, I encourage you women to listen, to dive in, to begin to understand who your husband is called to be, and also remember that we are warriors too, for the Lord. This is not just for men. It is a speaking truth that we are all in a spiritual battle and we've got to learn how to be steadfast in that love and that relationship with the Lord and to prepare our bodies and our minds, our souls, to get back in the fight. We'll see you then.