My Story: Suicide, Depression, and Finding Strength

Jalissa is joined by Rihanna, a student and Bench Mark, to discuss her story. Rihanna went through the depths of depression, anorexia, and suicide as a young woman. She shares what helped at the time and what continues to help her work through struggles now. The raw and real conversation is worth listening to. Please contact us if you have any questions: bmpstudios@benchmarkprogram.org

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello, welcome back to Benchmark Studios. So today we have Rihanna and we'll be talking about her story and what all that she's gone through. Today we'll be talking, we'll hear Rihanna's story, we'll cover some heavy topics. If any topics resonate with you, please reach out to us. We would love to hear just your story as well. So on that note, how are you today, Rihanna?

SPEAKER_01 0:30

Today is it could be a better today, but it went well today. That's understandable. So you just want to get right into it, or you it's up to you. Okay. What's your favorite mythical creature? Ooh, I would definitely say dragons. Dragons? Yeah. Number maids? I do like sirens. I'm a big fan of sirens. Um also I do like uh the two-headed snakes. Oh, the freaking, what's that called? The serpent? Yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:03

I know what you're talking.

SPEAKER_01 1:04

Yes. I really uh adore that and I draw about it a lot.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Oh, don't get us started on your drawings. Miss Artiste. Stop. So was there any hard decision, like a hard decision in your life that you ever had to make? Yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:22

I my hardest decision was choosing happiness over friends. Cause I had to drop some friends at a younger, younger age, and at the age I am now, because they wasn't the people that I needed in life. And it did, in fact, hurt me in a way, made me feel like it's another heartbreak. It's just like a relationship, but worse. Because that was your sister. That was my hardest, in my way, hardest decision.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Of course. It's always hard when you lose somebody you love, especially on a friend level, because at that point they're not even friends, they're family. You adopt them into your life, your everyday schedule. Exactly. They're your routine. I understand that completely.

SPEAKER_01 2:08

I like to bring you to my home and feed you, and it's like your family.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

Yeah, of course. That's how it is with a lot of quote-unquote friends, but they're really family if you really think about it. Very. So now we're gonna start going a little deeper. Okay. So would you want to talk about the hardest thing that you've ever been through?

SPEAKER_01 2:30

I have a couple, but probably in my attempt to do suicide or anorexia or homelessness, which I still struggle now, because I don't have a home of my own still. But I do live with my sister, but those are the top three things I struggled very hard with. I wouldn't eat for days and weeks, or I would just have bad trouble with how I felt, and that's what makes made me suicidal at the time. A lot of things were just not going great at my age at the time.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

You've been through a lot. You were very resilient. You deserve everything that comes your way.

SPEAKER_01 3:16

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 3:16

Of course. When you were in those situations, did you ever feel stuck?

SPEAKER_01 3:21

Oh, 100%. I was stuck all the time. I was stuck. I didn't know if I was gonna make it. I didn't know if I was gonna make it to another house. I didn't know if I was gonna stay there tonight. Sometimes I didn't know if I belonged at the place I was staying at the time. Because that was my best friend at the time. And sometimes I felt discluded. Or sometimes I just felt like a burden. But they always reassured me that I wasn't. And sometimes I I go to my sisters, and sometimes I just feel like a like a big burden to my sister because she already struggles. She has her own kids, her own bills, her own things. So it's just like when I'm I, because I'm I'm about to be an adult, and I just can't figure it out, you know? And I just I feel stuck to this day. And I just I don't know if I can make it out, but I'm trying.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

Listen, you got everything you could do, whatever you put your mind to. Don't ever stress about anything, because you know everything good is gonna come your way as long as you do good to other people. You're right. You're a good person, you don't gotta worry about that. It's a lot. It seems like a life seems very heavy on you. I'm sorry you went through that. It's okay. But listen, it's okay. It will all be okay. We're gonna be good. We're gonna be good. We're gonna be good. How do you think all these different experiences has shaped you into the person you are today?

SPEAKER_01 4:53

I'm definitely more. I feel like I'm more easier to fall into kindness or guilt or a lot of people say I'm too trusting. I trust into people so much that I get hurt at the end. So I feel like being that person grown into that, made me have bad kind of trust issues. Like right now, I have problems with friends and or hanging out with them or just trusting them at the end of the day. Because I don't I don't know if they're gonna hurt me. And I just feel like that because how my mom is, and that's why I have trust issues, because my mom lies to me a lot, and but it did make me humble, it made me a better person, I would say. Even though it was a struggle, you can always be a better person no matter how much you struggle.

SPEAKER_00 6:04

Thank you for that. That was beautiful. Always I I I definitely do believe that everyone is capable of change. Oh more than definitely possible of change. They just gotta try. You just gotta try, of course. So that is it is very heavy, and it can be really hard to trust somebody again once you somebody has broken your trust, especially someone that you wanted to trust, you really wanted to trust them, and they broke your trust. But at the end of the day, look, we goats. We are goats. No, I'm just playing, but like it will like you will always come through at the end. Oh, you gotta go through the the volcanoes and stuff to get to the rainbows.

SPEAKER_01 6:56

I'm a I'm the leprechaun at the end of the rainbow.

SPEAKER_00 6:59

Yes, and I have a pot of gold. So when you were going through there, was there a time that benchmark came through for you?

SPEAKER_01 7:08

Oh yeah. It was a place that I could come towards, a place that I could trust, the mentors, especially the mentors that helped me so much through my journey. The amount of times I cried, the amount of times I went, I said, I'm done with this place. I went MMA. Oh, not MMA. One day, one day, one day, one day, one day, but I went like completely gone for a couple months even or weeks. But benchmark did in fact help me so much in my journey that I don't feel like I could leave this place. Like I generally love this place so much. I box here, as you know, of course, and I work out here. I the mentors help me, my mentor helps me, I get through everything with benchmark, and I'm fed here. The food is always good.

SPEAKER_00 8:03

You can't get that part wrong. So it seems like benchmark was a very detrimental part of your life.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

Well, very big part of my life.

SPEAKER_00 8:13

Very big part of your life.

SPEAKER_01 8:14

I'm very glad I found this place.

SPEAKER_00 8:16

How did you end up finding benchmark?

SPEAKER_01 8:18

I actually did find out with my best friend at the time in freshman year. Um when I was 15, actually. Um I just came with my one of my friends, and he was a boxer at the time. He still comes to this day, but sometimes. But then he kind of introduced me to coach and the people, and I just got helped, and over time it just became a bigger part of my life, and I fell in love with the sport. I love boxing a whole lot. I want to make it big as a boxer, I really do. Uh but right now I'm just struggling with life problems that I really can't focus on my sport, but I really would do, of course. So, does boxing help you release those emotions? Oh, a hundred percent. It makes me not want to cry. It just boxing makes me so much happier, I would say. I would I definitely laugh all the time here, and I definitely love hitting the bag. It makes me just release all the anger I build up because I definitely build up more anger than sadness. I have a big problem with that.

SPEAKER_00 9:40

So I'm really glad that you found an outlet. That's amazing. An outlet that works at that, and it's healthy, that's very rare. Very especially to find a habit that you can come into and you can release all your emotions, everything that you need to do, and just release all of it on a punching bag. Or no or the other boxers, yeah, most of the other boxers, yeah. But yeah, that's the reason that you found an outlet like that. I'm so happy for you.

SPEAKER_01 10:06

Me too. I'm very glad.

SPEAKER_00 10:09

So if you were faced, if you could go back to 15-year-old you, what's the most important thing that you would tell her that she would that would probably change her life?

SPEAKER_01 10:23

I would tell her just keep trying, and it would be all okay. Like, I'm doing fine now. I'm in school, actually, I'm back in school. Um doing pretty good for myself at the time, and doing way better than before.

SPEAKER_00 10:41

That's amazing. You will always have that spark inside of you, that beautiful spark. Not flirting with you, but you always have that beautiful spark in you. You'll always have it no matter what. No matter if you keep trying, you'll always be you, and I love that about you. So if you could do it all, if you can do anything over again to change the outcome, what would you do?

SPEAKER_01 11:18

My decisions. Definitely the decisions I made made a big part of my life that I learned from. I definitely messed up a couple times with friends, relationships. To this day I still mess up. Um but messing up is okay because at the end of the day you learn from it, you gain value from it, and it's okay to mess up. That's all I gotta say about it. I definitely learned from some mistakes that I definitely regret to this day. I kind of messed up some things with family as well. Like my Aola kind of said some things that I regret, said some things to my mom that I definitely regret. Two friends even that I regret. So I would just definitely say think before you say. And take a breather before you say anything.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

Of course. Mistakes, you're human. You're you're human. Mistakes are always gonna happen, no matter how old you are, from one year old all the way to the day you die, you're always gonna make mistakes. It's just whether or not you learn from them, like you said. Right. If you learn from your mistakes, then you know not to do that specifically, not to get again. Right. And especially with mistakes, like mistakes in general, they're looked at as such a terrible thing if in the wrong context. However, you're never really looking at how the person is feeling, what they're doing, what they're going through.

SPEAKER_01 13:05

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 13:06

Whatever the case, the whatever the situation may be, you're never really looking at the cause of the mistake. You're always looking at the mistake that the person made. And I think that's unfair. That is actually very unfair.

SPEAKER_01 13:17

I agree with you a lot with that, because the person can always be going through so much at home, even, or even with their friends. It don't even have to be a big thing, but again, we're just humans. We still get hurt at the end of the day. We have emotions, we have to express those emotions. We're never emotionless. We are creatures at the end of the day that are made from God.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

I like that. I like that girl. But um, yeah, of course. We're always gonna make mistakes. You it doesn't like I I don't know, I can't focus because of how beautiful what you just said was. I love that. So during during that, I you mentioned that you did commit try to commit suicide. Yes. During that, well, it's kind of an obvious question, but did you feel alone?

SPEAKER_01 14:10

Oh I had people, but I just didn't feel like I deserved them. That's the thing. I had two people in my life at the time, my best friend and my ex. And those people supported me so much, but I still didn't feel like I deserved it loved, I didn't deserve trust, I didn't deserve anything. So I just separated myself from them and continued to put myself in a hole, in a very dark deep hole that I couldn't get out for a very long time.

SPEAKER_00 14:57

So why do you think you pushed them away?

SPEAKER_01 15:01

Like I said, um, because I felt like I didn't deserve it. I felt like I didn't deserve love or friendship. I felt like it wasn't meant for me. I felt like shutting off everything about me. Like I wanted to shut off my emotions, but you just can't. Well, personally, I just can't. I'm a very emotional person. I cry so much. Not not in a bad way, I cry, you know, good too.

SPEAKER_00 15:36

Of course. There's nothing wrong with crying. We all cry. Right. It's there's nothing wrong with crying. It's just if you keep it in, it's just gonna fester into all these other different emotions that you don't even know that could be possible. Really?

SPEAKER_01 15:51

So if you don't deal with them by crying, however you deal with your emotions, it's gonna drop to your shoulders, or even in woman, it drops to your hips. So you don't want that, it's very painful. But yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:07

Through all the experiences, through all the resilience, has everything you've been through changed how you treat people?

SPEAKER_01 16:20

I would say no, because I feel like I still treat people with kindness, or sometimes I'm sassy with my friends, but that's with my friends. Or even I still feel like I'm kind to people no matter what you go through. I feel like you can always be okay with you are if you're a kind person or an angry person. Sometimes I became an angry person because what I was going through and I just couldn't handle it. So I became an angry person to the wrong people. And that's how sometimes I lost people. But I worked on myself with that, and it's okay to feel emotions at the end of the day. I want to make that known. It's okay to feel emotion.

SPEAKER_00 17:12

That's amazing. Thank you. I s I hear that you're definitely holding yourself accountable. Oh. And you're letting your like you're making it known that you what you weren't doing wasn't right, and you did the work to make it right. And that's really what matters. It doesn't matter all the mistakes you've made in the past, as long as you do the work to fix it, as long as you have the integrity to want to fix it. So that's amazing. I'm happy for you. Thank you. Do you think if you had a mentor during this time, things would have been different? Younger me?

SPEAKER_01 17:48

Yeah. I felt like I would have somebody telling me what to do. Like my mentor now is Noelle, and he helps me through so much, and I appreciate him so much. I wish I had him when I was earlier in the age. I still had mentors, um, but I just wasn't comfortable enough to talk with anybody at the time. I still had trust issues, I still wasn't able to do so. But I definitely I definitely talked to Lydia or Zoe. But mentors at the time would have been great for me because I felt like they would have taught me, oh, this is wrong, this is right, like say like an older sibling I needed in my life. That's what I would say.

SPEAKER_00 18:44

I would say mentors are older siblings. Oh, 100%. Absolutely. I feel I feel like every time they mention mentors literally just like a big brother or a big sister, right? I'd be like, okay. Like literally, like, okay, whatever, whatever title makes you feel. The whole time you really just act like my older sister or my older brother. Exactly. Were there resources that you needed that you found here? Yeah, I would say I found people.

SPEAKER_01 19:14

I found the people that I belong to. They supported me, growing, um, loving, supporting me, making me learn how to trust. And helping me buy clothes at the time because I needed them, and even food or just a place to go when I'm sad. That's what Benchmark and the mentors gave me.

SPEAKER_00 19:40

That's amazing. I'm happy to hear that.

unknown 19:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:44

Especially because it's when you have a lot going on in your head at home. Here there's a lot of different things you can occupy yourself with instead of thinking about those negative thoughts or what else could be going on at home. How did you motivate yourself on days where you didn't feel like doing anything?

SPEAKER_01 20:09

I to be honest, I really just said get up. I literally just said get up. And I just said get up and keep going. Don't give up. Don't do that. I just kept telling myself that. Keep going, keep going to benchwork. But sometimes I just wouldn't stick to it, but I that's why I would that's why I would say, get up. Amazing, girl.

SPEAKER_00 20:43

And you guess what? I get 95% of the time you got up, and that's all that matters. Was there a time that you were uncomfortable and you had to step out of your comfort zone for something?

SPEAKER_01 21:00

Yes. Tell me more. I definitely had to step out of my comfort zone for even leaving my house at the time. I didn't like people. I never liked the people. I never liked the talking. So I distanced myself. I didn't even want to go to school. I just wanted to stay home and be in a ball. Which was called depression, but I just wanted to step out of that. I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to get up. And I got up. And now I'm here.

SPEAKER_00 21:50

Yes. I'm so proud of you.

SPEAKER_01 21:52

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 21:53

I can understand how comforting it might be to be at home, especially when you don't have the motivation to do anything. You don't want to leave the house. You don't want to go to school. School is especially draining when you're going through something like that. Oh my God, yes.

SPEAKER_01 22:07

School is just like the last thing a student will have on their mind. The last thing.

SPEAKER_00 22:13

Of course. Especially when you have all these different assignments to do. And if you don't do it and your grade drops, you have to worry about that. It's another thing on your plate that you have to worry about. Exactly. And it might be not necessarily saying this in the way that not necessarily saying this in the insensitive way, but it might be the straw to break the camel's back. It might, it will. Yeah, especially especially for students that already have home lives that are very chaotic. It doesn't even have to be home lives, it could just be things that they're just stressed out about. Just adding school doesn't help it. Not at all.

SPEAKER_01 22:50

And a lot of the students didn't want to talk to their counselors either. I mean, that's what we had them for, but to be honest, as a former student, I didn't want to.

SPEAKER_00 23:02

No, I completely understand, especially because you've they're connected to the school. You feel like it's not a safe space.

SPEAKER_01 23:13

Yes, yeah, 100%. Like it's just like you're just gonna go run and tell them. It's not like a therapist. I I say a strong thing is definitely go to a therapist. I have a therapist now and she helps me so much. And I definitely got way better because of her.

SPEAKER_00 23:34

Of course, that's amazing. I'm happy you found help. Yes, that's amazing. I'm so proud of you.

SPEAKER_01 23:39

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 23:39

Was there anything that you've learned recently that's helped you a lot?

SPEAKER_01 23:43

Coping mechanisms. Um, definitely, um instead of self-harm, do other things. Like coping mechanisms now for me is journaling, boxing, or even talking. Like I talk so much now that my past self would be looking at me like you crazy.

SPEAKER_00 24:14

Especially because you were so quiet and you just didn't want to talk to anyone.

SPEAKER_01 24:18

Yeah, I was afraid. That's why I would put myself as.

SPEAKER_00 24:23

So your therapist helped you get out of that box?

SPEAKER_01 24:26

Very, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:27

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 24:28

Yeah, she helped, she helped so much. I appreciate her so much.

SPEAKER_00 24:32

Was there anything like how you talked about trying to commit suicide, anorexia, overcoming all these different struggles? What was the most important thing she told you about one of those things that sticks with you, that keeps you going?

SPEAKER_01 24:48

I would say I would definitely say what she said was like I'm trying to say it in English. Um you know how to say it in Spanish? See, but English speakers. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:04

Whoopsie dizzy. Sorry guys.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

Um I would definitely say she said it she definitely said it's gonna get better, but she gave me things that would help me, like homework. She gave me a whole bunch of homework. I'm like, the school? I was gonna say, we're not in school. Right. I'm like, okay, Miss Teacher. But yeah, the homework was definitely a lot, and the plan helped me so much. It was a plan like what to do if I felt suicidal again, or what to what thing to do if I wanted to self-harm, or if I needed to talk to somebody, there was a number. She helped me with all that. That's what I would say. She helped me with.

SPEAKER_00 25:52

That's amazing. I'm happy you got your help. So you mentioned that self-harm is a form a form of coping mechanism. Yeah. So it helps soothe?

SPEAKER_01 26:05

Personally, for me, yes. It helped soothe uh the pain, the struggle, the the hurt I went through that I generally thought that was okay. I thought it was a coping thing that I I could do. And I still think that way, I'm not gonna lie, but I definitely try to keep away from it. Cause at the end of the day, I still struggle.

SPEAKER_00 26:34

I keep saying that, but you really are resilient.

SPEAKER_01 26:36

Thank you, yes. So I agree with uh it shows how much of a warrior you are.

SPEAKER_00 26:44

Absolutely, yeah. That's amazing. Wow. So when you were going through all these things, when you were going through anorexia, how did do you know how that started?

SPEAKER_01 27:05

Family. I would say family. I definitely grew up getting called fat. And I wasn't even fat from Grow Body T. But I was I definitely slowly stopped eating and just forgot to eat. Just forgot and forgot and purposely forgot. Like I knew there was food waiting for me. I just said, oh, I'll eat it later. And I just gave it to my dog or just throw it away. I felt like family could be one of the biggest enemies of your life. And that's how it started for me, I I believe. And just myself to be honest as well. I take full full um combat convalibility.

SPEAKER_00 27:56

A kind of alien?

SPEAKER_01 27:57

Yes. Um bad because I definitely was self-conscious. I hated my body at the time. I was just like felt ugly. So I thought skinny was the best move. In my head, I always told myself, oh, guys like skinny dudes. I mean skinny girls. Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 28:26

We're locked in, we're locked in. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01 28:29

Guys like the skinny girls. And I I definitely I definitely struggled with that, with saying that to myself.

SPEAKER_00 28:46

Okay. Let me lock it up, put the camera on me. So you you definitely I lost my train. I lost my train of thoughts. So when your family would be saying all these mean things about you, did you believe them to be true? Oh yes.

SPEAKER_01 29:11

Yes. Oh my god. I thought I was fat. I thought I was everything in the book. When I got called thick, thicker? Oh, you're getting thicker. I took that very badly. I mean, they thought it was good. But to me, I never expressed how I felt to them. So I don't blame them, but I definitely took that in a very bad way. I took that off.

SPEAKER_00 29:37

Do you think the words that are said around children or to children make a difference in who they are? Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 29:46

I definitely think how you talk to children or what you show children is how they grow up to be. How I grew up was a whole bunch of cursing, whole bunch of drugs, a whole bunch of things in that that I grew up to be cursing. I was uh I did horrible drugs that messed me up. I lusted over myself at the time. It's just like I did things that a child shouldn't have done. And I just I definitely regret it. But I definitely think that how you speak to your children is so much. Like be careful how you talk to them, be careful how you act around them, be careful what you do around them. I say always be careful. I'm a big person about that. Be careful what you say in our future generation. Because that's our future generation. Of course. And you want to take care of your future generation. Like us. We are considered our future generation.

SPEAKER_00 30:55

Of course. Do you want to tell me some more about that? About like us? About like this generation? About future generations being careful.

SPEAKER_01 31:06

What do you mean by that? I definitely mean like I would because right now there's like shooters, school shooters, drug abuse, even kids at a young age doing what they're not supposed to do. If you know. And it's just like I I wouldn't want my kid like that. I would want my kid to be respectful and humble and loving. And definitely won't take anything like bullying, because I'm very against bullying. But I wouldn't want my child to be like tough but nice. Cause in this generation, there's just like kids shooting kids, kids having kids, kids just cursing. I just it hurts to see. Like it generally hurts my heart. Like I would want this generation to definitely be better for our future generation. And I feel like we definitely are better than some adults now. Cause we as teenagers we speak more than some adults. Even in schools like McCaskey, we had a whole riot. If you were there.

SPEAKER_00 32:25

Yeah. The ice, the ice one, and there was another one about the school funding.

SPEAKER_01 32:29

Yes. At the end of the day, we all the same egg. We all bleed the same. There should be no race, no, no nothing about race. I think that was that's left in the past. It's 2026. I think I definitely think you need to love every skin tone, even flaws on skin. Like, I generally think kids need to learn that it's okay and need to be introduced into that kind of environment as well. In a good way, though. Of course. But like I think that's how I feel about that. Future generation needs to be careful.

SPEAKER_00 33:15

Of course. Especially, I agree with you about the kids having kids and the kids shooting kids. Everything is so corrupt now. There's a lot happening. A lot of kids being introduced to things that they shouldn't be introduced to at their age. Not at all. A lot of kids doing things that they shouldn't be doing at their age. And it's especially important to not be doing that because there are emotions that kids don't understand yet. Not at all. Not saying that there are emotions too big for a kid's body.

SPEAKER_01 33:44

However, there are certain things that I I generally feel like kids are they're not fully developed yet to understand that emotion. So I would say, like I said, teach your kids about emotion, feelings, anything like that. Because you want them to know what's wrong and right. You understand?

SPEAKER_00 34:13

Of course. Understanding what's wrong and what's right is especially important in influencing a child because children, the youth, it children in their youth are the most susceptible to information. You have to be careful with what you're saying around them, what you're what you're teaching them intentionally and unintentionally, especially because there are so many things that you might not want them to learn yet. So therefore you have to take the proper precautions. But yes, I agree with that completely.

SPEAKER_01 34:46

And some people actually sometimes they forget to take those that learning experience. Our parents didn't know better, so they didn't teach us better. And that's how I would say teach yourself before you teach others. That's how I would think.

SPEAKER_00 35:07

I like that. Especially because when you have your own child, it's a very big responsibility. A very big responsibility.

SPEAKER_01 35:14

You're caring for your for a life you made. Of course. So I would definitely say.

SPEAKER_00 35:19

And especially because there are, like you said, there are emotions that they're not gonna fully understand yet. Right. Because they don't have the understanding of what emotions might be. Say they might be mad at someone, but that might stem from them being angry at their mother.

SPEAKER_01 35:37

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 35:38

Like different like teaching things that stem from different things. Teaching that as a kid is extremely important, especially because a lot of things, a lot of things in childhood can lead to how you develop into an adult. That is very true, actually. I I agree with you. When you were having all these emotions and all these thoughts and all these different things happening in your life, did you ever feel like you were the only person experiencing this?

SPEAKER_01 36:07

No. I definitely thought of other people, like, oh, this person is going through so much worse. I feel so bad. Or always always kept in mind that people could be going through so much worse, or so much better, or even the same thing you're going through. So I would definitely say, like, no.

SPEAKER_00 36:32

It's amazing. You are a very kind and empathetic person, especially when you're going through your worst, you're still thinking about somebody that could be doing worse than you. That's amazing. Not a lot of people have that quality. That's sometimes generations. I was gonna, yeah. Sometimes qualities are learned though. That is true, and I would say I learned.

SPEAKER_01 36:53

When did you learn it? I would definitely say I learned it at a younger age to be kind and an empath. There's other people that could be going through so much worse than me. And I'm just complaining while they're trying. So that's why I decided, let me try.

SPEAKER_00 37:15

When did you make the decision to stop complaining and start trying? Like around like 13, 14.

SPEAKER_01 37:24

Because that's when you hit those teen years. Teen years will kick that butt.

SPEAKER_00 37:34

So what precautions did you take to move from trying into doing?

SPEAKER_01 37:43

I definitely tried staying in school at the time, but struggle held me back a lot. But tried staying in school, tried learning, um, tried putting the right people in my life, tried talking. I definitely tried to be happier. Like I was almost outside every day when I was younger, like 14, 13, with my um nephews, playing late games or sports, because at the time they were in flag football and I just was with them. And I was a bit of a tomboy too.

SPEAKER_00 38:28

Right in the room with that. It seems like you tried to be optimistic first before anything.

SPEAKER_01 38:34

Yeah, I I think I believe I very was. But I think I changed a little bit now.

SPEAKER_00 38:42

How so?

SPEAKER_01 38:43

I don't think I jump more. Like I feel like I need to jump. Like, you know the Spider-Man movie? Which one? Um Miles. I love that movie. Me too. Um, it's one of my favorites, but I I feel like him. Do you understand how he feels? Like he felt like his parents. Like he couldn't tell them things. As he was, he was Spider-Man. He couldn't tell his parents that. That says a lot on how he was raised. I took that movie kind of to heart because at the end he jumped and he became Spider-Man. He swung, he and the whole universe thing. Yeah, of course. And I kind of feel like that. I felt like I need to jump more, I need to grow myself more, I need to let me step it up, let me get up, let me start doing this and that. And that's why I'm trying now is to jump.

SPEAKER_00 39:52

That's beautiful. I love that analogy. Yeah, it's it makes it very easy to understand, especially because there are a lot of situations where people might not understand, or parents might not understand that their kids might not want to tell them everything. Their kids might not trust them with all the information that they want to tell them. Oh, yeah. Kids could be dying to tell their parents something. However, they feel like if they're gonna get in trouble, they're gonna get looked at differently, judged, no matter what the case may be. They don't want to tell them because they feel like it's just not worth it. It's not worth the trouble.

SPEAKER_01 40:25

And I understand that. It's like and I yeah, you you're so right about that because kids will not tell you nothing if they don't feel safe with you. That's why I say always treat your kid how you want it to be treated. So that's how I think.

SPEAKER_00 40:44

I think that's the best way to treat them because they're just a little human anyway. Right, they're a little baby. Literally, like you gotta treat them like you would treat your own sister. Right. Or I don't know, because some some I don't know. I was gonna have my sister. I was about to say, sisters be fighting sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 41:00

But I feel like that's the best time kind of fight. That's your sister, your love, your your first best friend. I would say I love my sister so much. I love her to the deep of my heart, but we definitely fight. We definitely argue, but of course you guys I trust her so much. So I would definitely say don't treat your kids like your sister or brother. I would say treat them how you want to be treated.

SPEAKER_00 41:32

Of course. So you were talking about your relationship with your sister, and right now that you're living with her, and that you love her, oh that's so sweet.

SPEAKER_01 41:42

I'm a big big sister. Um a little sister fan. Oh like I I love my big sister. I I want to achieve how she achieves. Like she's doing her, she's doing great with her GD. Um she's doing great with work. She has a home, she has a good life, she lives in a good place. I achieve to be just like her.

SPEAKER_00 42:07

That's amazing. I love to see how you admire her and how much you look up to her, how much you want to be like her one day.

unknown 42:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:16

And also, another thing, Sabrina. Um, my eldest sister. She's um maybe 30 now, but she's dead. Um and I definitely been missing her a lot. Even though I didn't know her long, I the stories I hear, I felt like I wanted to be like her. And I definitely get caught. You're just like Sabrina. That's why I hear from my mom a lot, and I just there's a little backstory to that too. Um I felt like I wanted to be like my sister. She's strong, she was outgoing, she was fun. She was smart, she was everything I wasn't. And that's how I want to be.

SPEAKER_00 43:22

Well, the way you're describing her sounds a lot like you are just like her. So how I can see with the way you talk about your sisters, you really do look up like you look up to them a lot. You understand that a sister is not something that's just given at chance. It's a bond that's meant to be made throughout life. It's beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 43:46

I feel like sisters been through so much. That's why I I always say appreciate your older sister, because remember, they went through it first. Just understand, yes, the little sister could be going through so much, but your oldest, she's probably going through a lot, but she's also helping you at the end of the day, and that's what my sister did. I was going through so much, but here's my sister, a hero. She came and helped me. And I go to my sister's grave all the time, sometimes Sabrina, and I just talked to her. So that's how she's here for me.

SPEAKER_00 44:31

So she seems like another outlet that you love to go to.

SPEAKER_01 44:35

Oh, yes. She is definitely a person I go to.

SPEAKER_00 44:40

That's amazing. She just she hears me out without judging you or without giving you any type of negative feedback.

SPEAKER_01 44:49

It's like she sits there.

SPEAKER_00 44:52

Just there to listen. I feel like that that must feel very peaceful. Oh, it is. Especially just sitting there.

SPEAKER_01 45:00

Oh, yes. Sitting on that warm grass. I always feel so warm when I go there. It's like she's giving me a big hug.

SPEAKER_00 45:11

That is so sweet. Stop! You're making me teary eyes! Yes, get out. Bro, oh, you're so freaking cute. So would you say your sister is one of your biggest role models?

SPEAKER_01 45:25

Yes. Immediately. Biggest. Biggest role models. And I would definitely say my dad right now is my biggest role model, too. He's I he kind of adopted me. And he definitely teaches me so much that I didn't think I could be taught. He definitely teaches me how to be in the an adult I can be. And he supports me so much. And I love him so much. Like I I love my dad and my sisters.

SPEAKER_00 45:59

That's amazing to hear that you have so many different emotional outlets now. Do you feel like do you feel heard?

SPEAKER_01 46:07

Yes, I feel heard from many people. Um my main people, not gonna lie, is my sister, um Noelle, and my dad. And two of my friends, they definitely hear my soul and were there for so much of my life. The crying, the anxiety, all that. Just they was there, and that's why I appreciate them so much and I do so much for them. Because like you did so much for me. You held all that for me. So that's how I think.

SPEAKER_00 46:59

That's amazing. I can't believe how much you've grown since then. Just hearing you talk to me, you've seemed like you've grown so much. Not you've seen, you have. You've grown so much, and I'm so proud of you. Like I said, you deserve everything that comes your way. So, as you said, your brother, your sorry, your dad, your father, and your sister are the most are they well, and your friends. Do you feel like friends are really important when you're going through stuff like that?

SPEAKER_01 47:33

I would say certain family. Like your sister, your siblings, or a grown adult you trust, like my stepdad. Or Noel, I trust him a lot, or can be friends, but you just have to find that right friend that won't talk behind your back, or just won't do anything behind your back, or just will understand how you are. Somebody that is mature enough to be around you and understand. That's how I view it.

SPEAKER_00 48:15

Of course. Having someone that views you as a person, as just sees you as you are instead of all the things that you were made out to be. Whether it's negative, whatever, whether it's negative thoughts, negative feelings, negative emotions, they still see you for who you are through it all, and that's amazing. Having somebody like that is very important, like so important, especially because in times like that you may not feel like either you have anybody or like that you can't talk to anyone or you can't trust anyone. So having people to talk to, it's amazing. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:57

And I say to everybody and anybody, at least have somebody to talk to.

SPEAKER_00 49:04

Of course.

SPEAKER_01 49:05

I don't I wouldn't say hide yourself. Please have somebody to talk to. That's how I think.

SPEAKER_00 49:17

So having someone to talk to is really important to you.

SPEAKER_01 49:20

Yes. I might not do it often, but I generally want other people to understand that it's important. It's okay to talk to somebody, it's okay to cry, it's okay to even feel anger is okay. It's a normal emotion. It's just one of the emotions you're gonna feel either way in life. You're never always gonna be happy. That's not a thing. It's it's okay. That's all I gotta say. It's gonna be okay. It's okay.

SPEAKER_00 49:56

You keep reiterating that it's gonna be okay. Is it because that's what you were telling yourself? It's gonna be okay. At the end of the day, it's gonna be okay. There's always tomorrow. Always. Getting on to the lighter topics. What would a dream day look like to you? It could literally be anything in the world. Like if you want to go to Hershey Park for the day and then my dream day.

SPEAKER_01 50:22

I wanted to spend one last time with my sister Sabrina. I wish she was still here. And dream day would just be at her grave with a picnic picnic and just as Hispanics, I don't know. But we always drop the drink. I know what you're talking about, yep. And we bless them and we just eat with them. Like they're still here, and I I think that would be my dream day. And on a nice sunny day, my favorite color is yellow, and I would just like have everything yellow. Her I believe her favorite color was purple. So and I will be dying my hair purple and blue. Go ahead. Hey! To like symbolize her at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 51:15

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 51:16

But that would be my dream.

SPEAKER_00 51:18

Of course. I admire how much you admire your sister.

SPEAKER_01 51:22

Some people some it's just like sometimes it's like I shouldn't, but because they definitely did bad things. But at the end of the day, it's okay. We're human. We're gonna end up messing up. We can't be Superman. You know, like we're not aliens.

SPEAKER_00 51:49

Of course. You can mess up a million you will mess up a million times before you get it right, and there's nothing wrong with that.

SPEAKER_01 51:56

And sometimes you still mess up. Of course. Like in sports, practice makes perfect. Of course. Life. You only get one time. It's okay to make mistakes. You're not gonna repeat your life. It's like you can't go back in time. It's just time keeps going. So appreciate the time you live. Appreciate the time you do. Do what you love. Don't become miserable, I would say. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 52:37

So would not appreciating your time, the time that you spend with your loved ones, the time that you spend doing what you love, as you said, do you think that that could lead you to being miserable?

SPEAKER_01 52:47

Yeah. I I actually do believe in that a lot. Because I feel like if a human isn't doing what they love and just doing nothing, or working at even working at a place they don't even love, or not doing what you love, can really lead you into depression and just like could literally just not be here anymore, and people that loved you would hurt because of that. And that's how I think about it.

SPEAKER_00 53:17

Spending speaking of spending time and appreciating the time that you have and the time that you spend doing what you love, would you ever do you think that it's relevant to keep looking at the past?

SPEAKER_01 53:33

No. I don't think you should look at the past uh any time, because it's the past. I say leave the past in the past and keep going. Because the past could just drag you down. Drag. So I say just leave it in the past. And it's okay. It's not gonna hurt you. It's in the past for a reason.

SPEAKER_00 53:59

Like that. The past is in the past for a reason. I really like that, especially because we spend so much time looking back and thinking on everything that we could have done different, anything that we could have maybe said different, the things that we wish that we didn't do, the things that we wish we would have done. We spend a lot of time thinking on that, and I catch myself doing that some at sometimes as well. Sometimes I'll just tell myself, it's in the past, you can't redo it. It's okay. Like, it will be all okay. It will all be okay. That's my motto. It will all be okay. I like that. Yes. Because at the end of the day, it will it will always be okay. There will always be a tomorrow.

SPEAKER_01 54:41

And at the end of the day, a person won't always be sad. Like, over time, no matter how long it takes, don't give up. Like, it will get better. I promise you that. Like, I went through so much and I got so much better. I didn't think I would make it. I'm not gonna lie, I never made I thought I would make it to 17. I'm about to be 18 in like four days. So I definitely say don't give up. Don't give up.

SPEAKER_00 55:14

So how do you feel about making it to 18?

SPEAKER_01 55:25

I would say it brings back some past things because I made a plan when I was 18. When I turned 18, I would drop everybody and just gone. But it kind of changed. I I wanna live for people. I want to live for the things I love. And and I continue to keep going, to get up every morning and come to school and just be a better person I could be. Try and be a better person I could be. Try and be a better Rihanna. Because it's okay. Like you said, everything will be just fine, of course.

SPEAKER_00 56:24

If you were talking to someone who was going through an any situation that you may have been through, and like it could be anorexia, it could be suicidal thoughts, self-harm, anything of the like anything, what would you say to someone who was going through something like that?

SPEAKER_01 56:44

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not the best at comforting. Growing up, I never got comfort. Okay. So I would definitely say this it would be okay. And if I knew that person, I would say I love you, and I just I would support them no matter what. Like it's gonna be okay. No matter what I'm going through, I'm gonna support you. I'm gonna help you get better. I'm gonna help you do this. I'm gonna help you achieve your dream you want. Oh, you wanna get stronger? I'll work out with you. Oh, you want to do track, I'll do track with you. Even even the smallest things. Oh, you wanted to draw together? Let's draw together. I'll bring out what you want to do to make you feel less depressed, less suicidal, less like feeling like you're fat. Like it's okay to eat. You're never is it's okay to be a little thicker. It's okay to be a little skinnier. Because a lot of people hate being skinny, or a lot of people hate being like on the bigger side, like thicker. But there's remember, there's people out there who love any size. Personally, I never see a problem in any size, like like it's okay, like okay, girl, get it. Like, body tea either way. Body tea, not play with her. So I definitely feel like that.

SPEAKER_00 58:27

Yeah, of course. That's how I wouldn't support them. Of course, just letting them know, letting just showing them that they're not alone. Yeah, and I would I'll definitely try to make them laugh. Yeah, of course, especially because people in need of someone who will let who will especially with someone who will let them know that they're not alone, that they're not going through this alone, that they will never be alone. Right? No matter what they're going through, that there will always be help. There will always be someone there to comfort you. There will always be, there will always be a brighter day. 100%.

SPEAKER_01 59:07

At the end of the day, there's always a rainbow at the end. With a pot of gold. With a pot of gold. No, no, no, no. The chocolate coins. The chocolate coins are better.

unknown 59:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 59:21

Yeah. I low key want one. I'm kind of hungry. But yeah. Yeah. So regardless of anything, there will always be a brighter day. Just letting, yeah, of course, just to comfort them, just letting them know that they have outlets. There are resources. There are so many other things to do.

SPEAKER_01 59:38

That's how I was as well. I was afraid of help. I never accepted it. I was like, nah, I got it. And so it's okay. It's okay to accept help. I agree with you on that one because I definitely accept help now. I'd be like, yeah, help me. Help me get that.

SPEAKER_00 59:54

Yeah, of course. There's nothing wrong with asking for help. Struggling alone is the problem. There's so many resources to be struggling on your go on your own.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:03

There's but sometimes people just can't afford those resources. Like homelessness. The shelters are always full, and it's like sometimes the shelters are too strict or too this and that.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:22

Like So when you say that you were scared of help, did you think that you didn't deserve it? Or did you think that you could handle it on your own?

SPEAKER_01 1:00:32

Both. Actually. I didn't feel like I deserved it. Because like, why do I deserve this help? Why do I deserve this and that? Why do I deserve them deserve them to help me out like this? Or even trust. It's like I don't deserve it. That's how I felt at the time. But you know, I changed. Of course. And that's the thing about humans, you always gonna change. It's like you're a butterfly. You're a larva, larva, and you're gonna turn to a butterfly.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:11

Of course, that's the that's the perfect analogy to use. You start as a caterpillar, which is which might be your old self, that might be whatever you want it to represent, right? You go into the chrysalis, and then your whole body, you start forming. You start forming, yes. So when the caterpillar is in the cocoon, it starts to it literally turns to mush. Right. It turns to mush and then it turns to a butterfly.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:38

It's like resp representing what you went through and how you grew into that person. That's how I think of the mush turning into the butterfly. Of course.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:51

Then you become turn into a beautiful butterfly. Oh yes. Thank you so much for speaking with me today, Rihanna. I appreciate it. You are a very resilient and beautiful soul. Thank you. You've you are not all that you've been through. And I feel like a lot of people out there need to hear that too. You will never be what you've been through. You are not what you've been through ever. You are what you are now.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:13

Thank you for listening out to me and just like asking me these wonderful questions. I loved answering them. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:20

Of course. Thank you for being here. Of course. Thank you so much for watching. I'll see you guys next time.