The Truth Between Rock Bottom & Recovery

In this debut episode of Better on Purpose, I sit down with my longtime friend Kyle Ruggeri to get real about addiction, identity, and the mental battles we all fight. Kyle shares the parts of recovery that rarely get talked about—the shame, the silence, the split-second decisions, and what it actually takes to come back from the edge. We explore how sobriety is defined differently for everyone, why breaking free from destructive patterns is so damn hard, and how parenthood has reshaped our reasons for choosing better—on purpose. Whether you’ve struggled yourself or love someone who has, this conversation is raw, unfiltered, and more relevant than ever.

Transcript

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Welcome to the Better on Purpose podcast. This is the first episode my guests, Kyle or Jerry, is, Thanks for being the first guest ever on the podcast. Let's go. I absolutely appreciate it. I'm going to let Kyle introduce himself and tell you a little bit about his story. Well. Thank you. I've known Jake since, what, sixth grade? Seventh grade? Yup. And, so I do, content for addiction and recovery. My goal was to share the part of addiction recovery that people don't talk about. So the nitty gritty, the in between. We hear a lot about somebody's inactive addiction. We hear a lot about somebody in recovery. And then often maybe a little bit of that week prior week after period. Some documentaries follow it, but I wanted to talk about all the pieces that don't get discussed, what somebody's feeling month for, what somebody's feeling months, what's going through somebody's mindset one minute after they get high, what's going through somebody's mindset, one minute after they just stole out of their mom's purse, like these parts that aren't discussed. And, that's really where it started and just kind of took off from there with social media and, you know, started with a blog, took off with some social media, YouTube, and then are you comfortable talking about why you got there? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. So for me, it was, a football injury really put me down the opioids route. But when I look back and analyze it, I had the you know, addict addiction tendencies way before. I mean, high school, you were involved in a minor part of just like we partied hard, but you had no idea what we were doing behind the scenes. Yeah. And, it was I was buying extra everything that all my friends around me didn't even know about at all times. A couple did who were, you know, have gone on in their own struggles. But, so it just progressed. Progressed and injury and football progressed with the opioid route. And then that was a big turning point too, because, you know, as you know, and, you know, people listening, I played football my whole life. All of a sudden in college second year I get my fifth concussion. I stopped playing, by choice. But also, my coaches in the NCAA were all these new rules were in effect from, you know, the Will Smith movie just came out. Concussions were very big thing. So they were like, you have to sit out for a year. I was like, all right, I'm going to try to protect what brain cells I had left. And, at that point, and now it was just I had nothing but time. I lived in a house with five football players. I was in a lot of pain mentally and physically, and I just used drugs and alcohol to cope. And then it progressed wildly from there. So now you're trying to help and give back and it sounds like you are looking for your audience or whoever's watching your videos to relate. And hopefully, more of a question like, what's the end result that you hope for when creating the the end goal for me is just like you said, relate. But that connection, it's when somebody sends an email and, you know, I've been blessed to I have a whole Excel sheet of these when I get an email from a mother saying, thank you for your videos, I now understand what my son was thinking at this point in time. And he's not a bad person that he stole out of my purse. But I know, you know, at that moment he did a bad thing. Of course, but he's struggling with a disease. And, Or, you know, somebody else. I read a comment the other day, you know, it's just like your content helped me get through the last three years of my my recovery. Like, that's the goal. That's the end goal. So also families of, you know, people struggling because it sounds 100% that that mother example is a good analogy in ways that anybody that know somebody. Yeah. That may have which nowadays is almost everyone whether it's cousin, friend, you know, or even maybe, you know, twice removed somehow a friend of a friend. But fortunately it's everywhere. One of the things I wanted to discuss today was sort of like, there is the disease and there's addiction that takes recovery. And everything that you went through. And there's a lot of people that live a, a similar lifestyle as people in recovery, but are in a completely different world. Yeah. And sober, I think the word sober is really what kind of confuses the whole thing, because the definition and the way it's used in like AA may be different. Yeah. So what's your opinion on like sober and for instance, I'm Kelly sober, we'll call it. Yeah. I didn't make that term up. Someone else did. And people use it. So it is the word being misconstrued is should there be a word just for recover recovering addicts or folks who had a disease that they, you know, need to secure in a sense? Or is it okay to we just say sober if you don't drink, but there's more than just drinking, right? So talk about that. That's a great question. I, I actually try to use recovery more than sober when I'm like doing content or videos just because it encompasses more. But I think it's personal to the person to, you know, whatever somebody chooses to use is up to them from like a 12 step perspective AA, an AA, which, you know, I do attend a lot. Their definition is pretty much stop using mind altering substances, period. You know, from a sober context that also is a little confusing and I totally don't agree. I don't totally agree with it because like, we're still sucking down caffeine and nicotine, you know, at the meetings which are considered mind altering substances. And then also like if you take medication back in the day, it wasn't accepted that much in 12 steps. Now it is. So there's so many caveats and rules. And then to some people, like, you know, for you, for example, you stopped drinking. That was something for your own personal choice. You you stopped. That may have been something that you thought hindered your performance or your work or your life or anything. Another substance that you may choose to use doesn't. And that's okay. And that's still sober for you. You know, and I look at it like I'm a, I'm a nicotine user and, you know, it's like, I haven't quit nicotine yet. Is that my considered not sober? No. It's just something I would like to quit. Hopefully I will. And I don't yet. And so it's fair to say that we're sort of in the same boat. Yeah. Even though the stakes are much higher for you. Yeah. I think that's really the difference between it is, is, you know, a relapse for you may look the worst comes worse jail time. Yeah. You know, you go down that path and for the reasons that I stopped drinking are all health related. You know, I see a ton of in my my phone becomes my source of sort of like, wow, you should be better. And yeah, and I always research it deeper. And there's a lot of things I see that I see are completely false. So I understand that there's a ton of misinformation, on social media, however, there's a lot out there that talks about how bad alcohol is for our brains, for our bodies, for our nervous system, for our heart, for everything. So the stakes may be just as high for me, though. Who knows, I may have a condition that. And this brings me to a whole nother topic. I want to talk about it and wellness. But, I could die from, you know, heart disease or something. So the more we talk about it, I think it is. And sort of a similar situation, but it feels from my side that it isn't. And I don't I feel like I'm almost disrespecting the other side of it because the stakes are so much higher that it's like, oh, I say, I'm, I don't drink, I am sober, but Callie sober is all different story. And for those who don't know what it means, I. Cannabis is my drug of choice. And nicotine as well. Yeah. But I've gone down a long path of trying to compensate for what I feel those two things, plus, another prescription that is a stimulant that I think is altering my my body severely. It all three are addictions. Yeah. I think you put it a great way. You said. And sometimes the stakes may be higher, but also depending on the substance, I think that has a lot to do with it because, you know, for example, like in 12 step rooms, they'll talk about somebody who maybe was a high functioning, you know, alcoholic, versus somebody who was not. And it really makes no difference. It's what's going on internally, what the person chooses. And I bring that up to mean, like as a heroin, fentanyl, cocaine was, you know, those three were my main drugs of choice. Now relapse to me, I could die the first time. Like there's a good chance of that also pretty quickly with those drugs, within a day, two days, maybe a week, I'll be doing some not so good things for money for, you know, skipping work, whatever with maybe, let's say, alcohol. You don't see people slide as quick. So it might be in the end, you know, if it's a problem for them, they're still going to get there. But it might be six months a year. That's a great point because, you know, it's like a scale. Exactly. But everyone's treated the same in the sense of the stakes. Yeah. So for me my stakes are probably the lowest. And but considering there's still a scale, I shouldn't feel as bad about, you know, giving myself a label of sober or. No, you know, because people I have to have that conversation when I'm at a social function or someone's like, can I get you a beer? It's awkward at times and can be, yeah, you know, and yeah, I'm sorry, I don't I don't drink anymore. I, you know, they knew me and they knew I drank at one point so I could say anymore. And then it brings up a conversation that happened, you know, like, wow, well, I saw you in between. Is there a like, you don't have a problem to do so, but do do I like what do they know to to to say that. But yeah it is awkward and I tell them the truth. Yeah. Honestly, I use my son as the biggest example. Yeah. Which is the the root. But I want to be the best father I can be. I know if I drink, I'm going to be hungover at times. And I know a lot of people probably have a challenge trying to be a good parent while hungover, I'm sure. Plus, the odds of me dying earlier probably are higher if I continue to drink. And I would love to be here as long as I possibly can to be a good father and my son. Yeah. So all those thoughts are going through your head. You see all these Instagram posts about how poisonous it is for our bodies? Yeah. And it's easy. So that's that's what I tell them. And then I start feeling like I'm preaching don't drink. Yeah. Which I sort of am, because it's like if we had a choice, if you had a choice, which we all do, if you care about your health because people are fitness freaks and like my sister, she if she doesn't get a run in that day. Yeah. And she's a twig, you know, she's off and that's mental health stuff, and that's fine. But I'm the same way. Yeah, she cares about her well-being, but she has no problem throwing back a bunch of IPAs in. I start to get judgmental. Not actually to her, but I'm like, you know, if she cared so much, why didn't she just stop drinking? Like, that's killing her? But then I think about myself, and I say, well, I still participate in nicotine, in cannabis and in the prescription. So it's like I'm also just that fault. So it's I get it. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And the other thing I would say to that too, is like to that point, I know your I know your sister and she's younger than you. I think about two when I see a friend struggling and I'm like, I just want to shake them. And I'm like, if you do this one thing like it'll help your life. But then I think about how many people for years told me that and I wasn't ready to hear it. So when I see somebody else, maybe even if it's a small thing, drinking or not, not that that's a small thing, but you know what I mean? Like, for example, your sister doing that where, like, if she's comfortable with it and it's not, you know, affecting her life, that's to each their own. Exactly. And and another point real quick, I was just thinking, you said, I'll never forget this. I was at a, a meeting one time. When I say meeting, I mean a meeting, but, and there was two people who shared in this meeting, and one lady at breaking point. Her moment was literally, she would have a drink every day at 5:00, and then she'd, you know, drink pretty much till she went to bed. Everything on the outside, successful family life, career, all that children.

One day she started at 3: 14:02

00 and her son made a comment. Mommy, you're having your special drink at 3:00, That was it. That was enough for her. She quit that day and got involved in a program. The same meeting. There was a gentleman who did five prison terms and lived under a bridge, literally for a period of time. And I just couldn't help but think like, these two people are in here. Both of them felt an internal, you know, I'd hit a breaking point epiphany. Yeah, rock bottom, whatever people want to call it. And yet totally different, you know, from external kind of circumstances and consequences. But it doesn't matter to me. It's internal, you know, you chose for your son and that's it that you you're sober and, you know, if you choose to say that. And so let's talk about like the challenges now that it becomes, trying to live the same, if not similar life that you experienced joy in. Because for me, drinking was a huge part of me being able to have a great time and let loose, between concerts, weddings, bars, anything that people drink at. I was always the life of the party I got, I got my pack, now, like, my family gives me a little bit of a hard time because I'm not the same party animal funk that I used to be when I did drink. And I do feel bad and like I shouldn't become lame now. Like, I have to learn to still enjoy life just as much, right? Yeah. So I, you know, it's conscious. It's not. It's all my head. So like, you do a really good job and I see like in your stories and your posts on, on social, you're at a rave and like, you know, you're in or wherever you were last, you know, promoting that that event in France and France, you know, you could still have a great time and be at a rave and not be on drugs. So how was it for you and what have you learned that's been a good tool or method to, you know, make the most out of it without drugs? Yeah. I mean, to that point, I, I definitely six and a half years into, you know, recovery, sobriety, I still struggle with it because I, you set it perfectly. Don't want to be like we've both drank together in the past and partied. We're both fun guy. We're not aggressive drunk. We're both fun now to have fun. I definitely miss that part of it and I miss the loosening up. I've caught myself being rigid in life and I miss that 2 or 3 drinks just loosening up. But I know for me I can't because it'll to me it always leads to worse stuff. But how I've found to kind of compensate or cope with that is just do find and do the things you love doing and, you know, also finding others that can do it without that if need be. I still have the family parties and stuff where people are having a couple of drinks and try to make it fun. Let's do some fun things that, you know, maybe not beer pong this time, but let's play a some type of card game that doesn't involve drinking. You guys can still drink during it, but we can all have fun. Yeah, or for example, in France. Yeah, or for example, in France. That was an ironic thing too, because it was this giant alleyway. And on the outside were all these restaurants where all the adults were drinking. In the middle was this giant rave type scene. It was almost exclusively 20 and under. So it was almost all kids like 16, 17, 18. That is ironic. It was so weird. They were all stone sober. I mean, at least the ones I talked to and the ones I was around. But yet they said they do this every weekend and I had a blast there with them. my biggest fear before I got sober was I thought I have to get sober because I didn't want my parents to bury a child. I didn't want that to happen. I didn't want my family to to have to. I personally, at that point didn't care a ton about my own life, but I didn't want my family to have to go through that. So I thought, I'll get sober because for them. But I assumed, like, my life is going to suck. It just going to be boring and miserable and that, yeah, it'll be boring and miserable, and that's just how it's going to be. But I'll do that sacrifice for them. One of the other things I kind of found out during was, sure, there's some nights where, like, I'm the first one at the restaurant and I'm sitting there at a bar, awkwardly having a glass of water, waiting for my family to show up where I know if I had a drink or two, I'd be more loose with the people at the bar having fun. But that's one out of ten. There's nine out of ten times where I thought in the past I was having fun at the football game with my friends, when in reality I'm slur my words. I'm half blacked out. I'm running to the bathroom to use other substances. I didn't really appreciate any part of life. There was fun in the beginning and then it turned into desperation. So, you know, now being sober at a bills game, for example, I actually watch the game, enjoy it, talk to the person next to me, have fun. And there's nothing against the people that are having some drinks. But the way I drank in the past, I wasn't enjoying that game. I was enjoying the alcohol and that's it and getting rowdy. The bills game, lasts. So 2024 playoffs Chiefs at miss field goal. That was, two months, 2 or 3 months into being sober. Yeah. And it was the first real like big event where traditionally I would drink a lot. Tailgate. You're outside, it's freezing cold. We get there 4 or 5 hours before the game. We're standing outside in the freezing cold, and this was a freezing cold day, and I got to figure out how I'm going to get through this test. It is a big test. And what I realized is the one thing that I guess I under appreciated in it at the time, what the booze actually did for me in those situations. Yeah, was calm. My anxiety for the actual football game. Oh okay. Interesting for you because you're a huge fan. Exactly. You know, for those who don't know. Yeah. Huge bills fan. Right. So being stone cold sober at the game, you know, watching this specific game I know you were going Z80 was was out of this roof. And like not to mention where we parked was the absolute last place someone like me would ever park. But we were meeting somebody there and they got there first, so we had to go where they went or else. As you know, when you if you don't park in the same lot, you have to leave your vehicle like I wanted to by my vehicle. They parked behind this establishment which has like one in, one out exit and it's a huge lot. And there's probably a thousand cars there. And I'm thinking to myself, if we lose this fucking game and I have to sit in that parking lot and wait to get out of this lot for two hours, I'm going to go insane. How'd it play out? Because I know that if they win, I don't give a shit if I'm sitting in a vehicle. We're going to the conference championship. You don't care what's happening. Oh, we lost, and I had a lot of anxiety, and we had to walk back through a literal. This was after the blizzard in Buffalo, where there was like eight feet of snow and we parked across a ravine. So we had to literally hike down this giant hill. If you didn't have traction on your shoes, you slid down the whole thing through the woods, up the the snow is so high. The fences that are the perimeter of the parking lots, the snow was above that. So normally that's where they push all of it to play, dump it right over the fence. Normally this route you can't take because you can't get down over the fence. You'd have to go all the way to the road and come back around. But because of the snow we could just jump over onto in the lot way quicker. So everyone was going that way and it was a hike and it was a lot of fun. And, you know, one of my first sober experiences, where I traditionally would be very high and enjoy it and my drunkenness wasn't ever, like, disruptive or destructive or I would get annoying and such, but there wasn't a risk of me hurting myself or doing anything dumb per se. It's all just the internal health that I'm paranoid that it's doing to me. Do you notice now one of the big things I notice is when I'm around people drinking heavily or partying there gets to a point I don't say quickly, but usually like two hour mark where I'm kind of tapped, like just seeing, especially if people are really hitting it where I don't want to be around the wall or somebody, the bar owner in town.

And once nothing good happens after 12: 23:21

00, his bars never open. We're always closing at midnight. Yeah. You know, between 12 and 2, what good can happen. And it sounds like similar to. So what you're describing is the stamina of someone who doesn't have performance enhancing substances. Yeah.

Is around 11: 23:41

00 like, we need to go to bed us it's like, that's what our bodies need. And when you're drinking, you can go all night because you have performance enhancing substances in your body. So yes, I do see that a lot. Where like, okay, these people are still on the incline and I'm just about hitting my climax, which is completely normal and I accept and I'm more than happy bailing out of places. Yeah, it's very tough for my wife because when we go to weddings, you know, and got to compromise and stay later. But yeah, I'm even talking more though, to like in this definitely is a judgmental statement, but like, being annoyed, like, we've had some situations, in the past, you know, year or so with some friends behavior in like or just the fact that they're still going. No, but behavior. Behavior, of course, because I'm stone sober and in the past where I'd be. Yeah. Our our lens is way different. So the foolery, the foolishness in the just erroneous behavior. Yeah. It's just so enhanced. Exactly. As a great way to put it. Our lens is not changed. It's it's the same. It was earlier in the evening just, you know, and it just changed from when we used to be in that same condition is our lens is way different. Yeah. When you're interacting with extremely drunk people and you are drunk. I ruined everything seems normal. Yeah, you know what I mean? And I also feel like I could be a little bit more blunt then, because it's. It's just something I wanted to mention. The one thing that bothers me is not getting the pass I used to get when I was drunk. Meaning? So I was at a bar with a couple friends like 2 or 3 years ago, and somebody was like, yo, you won't get on the table and dance. I am stone sober. I said, sure I will, you know, just being mean. I got on the table and dance and I heard these couple girls laughing like, wow, he must be. He must be hammered to get up there and dance. And then I get down and I'm talking with them and a friend and a friend's like, he's the only sober one here, like stone sober. And it was almost like they looked at me like I was crazy for doing that versus if I was drunk, it's like, oh, it's acceptable. You could be an idiot, so I didn't. You don't get the same pass. Yeah. So I say as in, like I said, okay, I understand you're saying. Yeah, yeah, 100% back to like the being annoyed a little bit. You know, the example I'm talking about, we were with a bunch of buddies of ours and, a good buddy. I'm not going to say the name, but just, you know, grabbed you. Big headlock. I love you, I love you, and that's great. And the first five times I said, I love you back, bro. I'm so glad to see you. The ninth and 10th time of kind of drooling on me, you know, saying I love you, grabbing me in a headlock at midnight. If I was drunk, I would have been like, dude, all right, it's enough. Get off me! Come on now. What the hell? Right. But because I'm sober and like, I'm trying to be empathetic, and now you're conscious. You're that asshole guy and a sober guy who's a. You can't put up with the drink. Exactly. But if you're higher drunk, it's like, oh, yeah, you get a peg, dude, stop being a jackass. Get off me 100%. You know, 100%. Yeah, the the pass. I call that a little bit sore, but, you know, it is what it is. It's the way I look at a lot of these things is it's like for me, you know, it's probably isn't is true for you. I caused a ton of damage and destruction in in addiction and getting sober. It's like I've accepted that you know, some people don't follow this route, but it's pretty mainstream now. Addiction is a disease. It changes your brain. So if I had diabetes and I couldn't eat certain things, I would accept that. If I had Parkinson's, cancer, I had to take certain meds. I have addiction, I have it, you know, so I can't, you know, drink or drug safely. It just doesn't work for me. And it's like, okay, now there's going to be a couple consequences of that, but, I'll accept it. But but I think that brings it back to what I was saying earlier about how I feel different about choosing not to drink because I don't have the disease that you have, that the stakes are a little bit. So I feel like I can't I don't want to like, talk about it. Like, I don't know, it's just I, it's a I put me in a weird position and I don't know how to treat it or like how to act around people that have a disease. Yeah. And I don't. But we align on so many different levels. Right. It's like, but I don't want to feel like I am just as not important, but like my situation has any merit or it's valid when you have a disease. And I just am choosing, because I want to write, it's like I have to point you can. You don't have to. So like if you I have a struggle, you just chose to be this way. That is a good point. I mean, again, no one is any less valuable than anyone. So your choices, any, is as valuable as anybody else's. But that is true to where if you have a drink with your your family, you choose that, you choose to have a drink. And that's the end of it, where I'm not guaranteeing if I had one drink, I'd be out on the streets doing heroin again. But typically that is the progression. And, I've not right when I've tested it twice in the beginning, it led to that. So in the whole battle I have is like, I want to be the best version of myself. And maybe there is once in a while, a couple times a year actually letting loose, right? Yeah. How much damage my actually doing if I drank four times a year. Right. But I feel like I'm cheating the, the whole thing if like I'm trying to live this lifestyle and especially disrespecting mom, I feel like I'm disrespecting people with the disease where I go, I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to be this, you know, sober guy who lives this great lifestyle. But I also want to have a drink when I really, really want to have a drink. That just seems wrong. But I have to convince myself otherwise because I know, like that situation in Florida with my father, like it meant something to him that for me, I would do that for him. Yeah, it doesn't really mean anything to him in the sense of having a drink. We could have watched a hockey game together. Yeah, doing something other. But you know, the culture you get together, you. You have a cocktail, you let loose, you talk shit. And he misses that. He doesn't understand a lot of things either. And, you know, given his age and everything else, he's a very successful radio show host. So I don't know what I'm doing. Saying he doesn't understand, but, he he does. I feel like your dad maybe is, from what I know of him, too. Just hearing him at 8 a.m. on a random day. He's such an open, loose person to begin with. Yeah, very. You know, Will will break bars, have fun at 7 a.m. stone sober because he's done that so long where it may come a little bit more uncomfortable to us that that is a great perspective, perspective and back and forth to have. I guess if you maybe were to say like I've been sober three years, like continuous years and you didn't like you had drinks every four months, maybe that's an internal battle between you. But I also don't think you have anyone to justify it to. You could say I'm sober, and yet twice a year I kind of loose a little bit. Right? And the thing is, I don't even say I'm sober. I just say I don't drink. Yeah. And which I don't. So. But you understand where I'm coming from. And I think that's really like the, the main thing, the internal. But I'm trying to, to illustrate because there's two events coming up this year that I feel like I would have, I'm going to Cancun for a wedding with Bianca. One of her best friends is getting married. A lot of her friends, I'll know 1 or 2 guys. Both are extremely fun. Like I say, it's just one guy. Sailor guy's not going any more extremely fun. Party guy. Yeah. A four days in Cancun in an all inclusive resort. It seems like, you know, we chose the swim up pool, and, like, I'm with my wife, who we have not. Our son turns two in a week. We have not gone away together since. Since he's been born. And it will be our first vacation together without him. And I just know it'll. I'll. I'll have. I'm a very uptight person and like, I'm very judgmental and I get very like when when people are annoying or acting stupid or like I just quickly you seclude. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, to be surrounded by these fools. And like, I almost need to put that lens on to not get like that and not be judgmental and not give a shit if they're acting like fools just for the sake of spending all this money to go on this vacation and just be that dude who's just a dick, and like, who invited this guy? Like, I should be able to do that without drinking, and I can, I know I can, but that is funny though, too, because people won't give you the pass they'll give me in that same situation, if I turn down that vacation or say I was going to that specific wedding. It's almost like everyone in my life, and for those listening, may not know until like I went to prison over my addiction. So like everyone knows about it. Will. Kyle left the wedding two hours ago without saying bye. No one really questions that. They're like, oh, he probably felt uncomfortable, so he left. But you do that. There's kind of not an excuse where like, oh, Jake's being a dick today. Like why Jake leave. That's to be clear. I more recently since, you know, having a child and everything else like I do, kind of set a tone. Yeah. That I like very. Yeah. I'm not the partier anymore. And maybe it's not. Maybe it's not just not drinking like I just. Yeah. And I feel bad one for myself for not wanting to have as much fun as I used to and to for my wife and family who hear me complain a lot about stuff in like, whatever. Like it's not easy to like stomach sometimes and I'm consciously working on it like, yeah, we're not all drunk all the time. So it's like my issues are really aren't just because I'm not drinking, it's because it's just who I am. And we all have our own thing. So like what I've realized though, is not drinking kind of amplifies that, sort of like cynical ness or what's the word, cynical. But you know what I'm saying. Yeah. No, that's I, I, I very often think about alcohol in general being the social lubricant and the coping mechanism of our society. I mean, you know, we both grew up with families and parents, like, I. I'm pretty sure yours did it to some extent. Like my dad, my mom. Have a glass of wine at dinner every night. You know, they'll have now they no problem with it. They have one. Maybe two. But like that calms. I'm down. A little bit of stressful day at work. We relax, you know. And so much of our society does it that without it, you really have to face your problems head on where you don't get to kind of I do miss being able to be like, shit, this was a shitty week. I could have for six hours. Yeah, exactly. I need a drink tonight. I need a drink. I need to go out with the boys and just let for a night for, you know, kind of restart my month. Restart my week. So. And so it it sucks a little bit. You got to feel your feelings and emotions fully, 100%. The other thing I was going to ask is you mentioned earlier, you still use cannabis. Could you go to that wedding and maybe up the cannabis? Does that help at all make you loosen up or party at all? Or the opposite? Yes or no? Loosen up a little. Then the anxiety kicks in and I'm like, I get spatial anxiety. Okay. If like I go to a concert or like, walking out of an event and there's a lot of people around me or like, and I just feel I get weirded out. I have to escape. No. And then I'll just get burnt out and, like, weird, like it when I get too high. I'm just like, no one wants to talk to me. I'm a fool. Takes me forever to, like, tell a story. And they're like, it's snoozer ville. Especially for a bunch of drunk people. It's been real. It's been real fun. Thanks for checking in on the first episode of the Better on Purpose podcast, brought to you by Jake Levin, aka Satchel Levin, aka Satch Money, aka Captivate Media camera. Oh. They.