{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":56.150999999999996,"endTime":57.691,"body":"Have you ever wanted to punch somebody"},{"startTime":57.832,"endTime":59.752,"body":"when they say you have to put your own"},{"startTime":59.952,"endTime":63.272999999999996,"body":"oxygen mask on first? Ugh, as a busy mom,"},{"startTime":63.453,"endTime":66.094,"body":"that feels so hard and impractical,"},{"startTime":66.194,"endTime":69.275,"body":"doesn't it? I know it does for me and all"},{"startTime":69.315,"endTime":71.936,"body":"the women I work with. And yet, not"},{"startTime":71.996,"endTime":74.436,"body":"putting your own mask on first can quickly"},{"startTime":74.496,"endTime":76.997,"body":"become a slippery slope that leads to"},{"startTime":77.097,"endTime":80.078,"body":"ignoring or neglecting your own needs in"},{"startTime":80.19800000000001,"endTime":84.519,"body":"really unhealthy, unhelpful ways. In this"},{"startTime":84.599,"endTime":86.68,"body":"episode, you are about to be confronted"},{"startTime":86.8,"endTime":89.381,"body":"with some real hard truths about the"},{"startTime":89.44200000000001,"endTime":92.38300000000001,"body":"dangers of martyr mentality, which far too"},{"startTime":92.423,"endTime":95.044,"body":"many moms wrestle with. If you are someone"},{"startTime":95.084,"endTime":97.005,"body":"who's ever put herself on the back burner,"},{"startTime":97.36500000000001,"endTime":99.70599999999999,"body":"get ready to be both called out and"},{"startTime":99.826,"endTime":102.628,"body":"lovingly uplifted. Welcome to More Time"},{"startTime":102.668,"endTime":104.869,"body":"for Mom, where overwhelmed moms get"},{"startTime":104.949,"endTime":107.271,"body":"science-backed strategies to overcome the"},{"startTime":107.351,"endTime":109.312,"body":"hidden sources of stress stealing your"},{"startTime":109.372,"endTime":112.174,"body":"time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber"},{"startTime":112.214,"endTime":114.41499999999999,"body":"Curtis. Ready to make more time for you?"},{"startTime":115.015,"endTime":119.89099999999999,"body":"Let's dive in. Why is it so hard to"},{"startTime":119.932,"endTime":122.69399999999999,"body":"put yourself first? Let's just acknowledge"},{"startTime":122.814,"endTime":125.196,"body":"that it is. Telling moms they need to put"},{"startTime":125.23599999999999,"endTime":127.398,"body":"themselves first is like telling kids they"},{"startTime":127.418,"endTime":129.139,"body":"need to eat their broccoli or Brussels"},{"startTime":129.159,"endTime":132.24099999999999,"body":"sprouts. It may be objectively true and"},{"startTime":132.281,"endTime":135.224,"body":"good, but it is practically impossible."},{"startTime":135.844,"endTime":138.466,"body":"And yet, even when you can't put yourself"},{"startTime":138.526,"endTime":140.949,"body":"first, you still need to put yourself"},{"startTime":141.269,"endTime":144.111,"body":"somewhere. The tragic reality is that a"},{"startTime":144.192,"endTime":146.634,"body":"huge percentage of moms end up putting"},{"startTime":146.694,"endTime":150.097,"body":"themselves dead last. After the kids,"},{"startTime":150.677,"endTime":153.02,"body":"after their husband, after the house,"},{"startTime":153.56,"endTime":156.162,"body":"after their job, After the parent-teacher"},{"startTime":156.242,"endTime":158.742,"body":"organization. After their to-do list."},{"startTime":159.283,"endTime":161.963,"body":"Sound familiar? Alright, so let's dig into"},{"startTime":162.023,"endTime":165.024,"body":"this thing called martyr mentality, which"},{"startTime":165.105,"endTime":167.865,"body":"is sometimes called a martyr complex. I"},{"startTime":167.905,"endTime":169.906,"body":"will be so curious to know if you have"},{"startTime":169.986,"endTime":172.127,"body":"heard of this or ever considered it in"},{"startTime":172.167,"endTime":175.228,"body":"this way. But Google defines martyr"},{"startTime":175.268,"endTime":178.209,"body":"mentality as a psychological tendency"},{"startTime":178.629,"endTime":181.43,"body":"where individuals repeatedly sacrifice"},{"startTime":181.67,"endTime":184.37199999999999,"body":"their own well-being and needs for the"},{"startTime":184.432,"endTime":187.19299999999998,"body":"sake of others, often feeling trapped and"},{"startTime":187.29299999999998,"endTime":190.45499999999998,"body":"victimized in the process. This behavior"},{"startTime":190.655,"endTime":194.057,"body":"is distinct from genuine altruism and can"},{"startTime":194.09699999999998,"endTime":197.099,"body":"be associated with a victim complex or"},{"startTime":197.35899999999998,"endTime":199.801,"body":"codependency. people with a martyr"},{"startTime":199.84099999999998,"endTime":202.70399999999998,"body":"mentality may seek out suffering or"},{"startTime":202.76399999999998,"endTime":205.987,"body":"persecution, even when it's not necessary,"},{"startTime":206.428,"endTime":209.09099999999998,"body":"and may use their sacrifices to gain"},{"startTime":209.131,"endTime":212.714,"body":"attention or manipulate others. Now, okay,"},{"startTime":212.774,"endTime":215.077,"body":"that's what Google defines martyr"},{"startTime":215.15699999999998,"endTime":218.74099999999999,"body":"mentality as, but I truly think that for"},{"startTime":218.861,"endTime":223.503,"body":"moms, It's a lot more benign and"},{"startTime":223.864,"endTime":226.125,"body":"well-intentioned than that. I don't think"},{"startTime":226.36499999999998,"endTime":230.786,"body":"that the typical mom is trying to have a"},{"startTime":230.927,"endTime":234.50799999999998,"body":"victim complex or use, you know, her"},{"startTime":234.588,"endTime":236.709,"body":"self-sacrifice as a way of gaining"},{"startTime":236.82899999999998,"endTime":239.89,"body":"attention and manipulating others. I think"},{"startTime":239.92999999999998,"endTime":243.011,"body":"that it really comes from a more beautiful"},{"startTime":243.191,"endTime":246.732,"body":"place where you are naturally giving of"},{"startTime":246.792,"endTime":249.593,"body":"yourself because you love your family and"},{"startTime":249.63299999999998,"endTime":251.834,"body":"would give anything to take care of them."},{"startTime":252.494,"endTime":254.695,"body":"But at the end of the day, there is"},{"startTime":255.05499999999998,"endTime":257.616,"body":"ultimately an element of self-neglect"},{"startTime":257.696,"endTime":261.217,"body":"going on. It's really the classic putting"},{"startTime":261.257,"endTime":263.458,"body":"yourself on the back burner situation"},{"startTime":263.958,"endTime":266.82,"body":"where You might even consciously realize"},{"startTime":266.86,"endTime":268.462,"body":"that you're not taking good care of"},{"startTime":268.502,"endTime":270.884,"body":"yourself, but you keep pushing and"},{"startTime":270.944,"endTime":273.466,"body":"ignoring your own needs because there is"},{"startTime":273.586,"endTime":276.569,"body":"simply so much else to do in front of you."},{"startTime":277.03000000000003,"endTime":279.372,"body":"And if you don't do it, who will, right?"},{"startTime":279.892,"endTime":282.454,"body":"Add onto that the fact that mothers still"},{"startTime":282.514,"endTime":284.856,"body":"bear the overwhelming brunt of the mental"},{"startTime":284.896,"endTime":287.238,"body":"load, along with the bulk of household"},{"startTime":287.298,"endTime":290.40000000000003,"body":"responsibilities, even if they also work"},{"startTime":290.46,"endTime":292.862,"body":"outside the home, and it just seems like a"},{"startTime":292.982,"endTime":296.245,"body":"given that mothers would end up having to"},{"startTime":296.305,"endTime":299.607,"body":"be martyrs sacrificing themselves for the"},{"startTime":299.647,"endTime":301.789,"body":"good of their loved ones. And for the"},{"startTime":301.849,"endTime":304.351,"body":"record, all of this can show up outside"},{"startTime":304.411,"endTime":307.193,"body":"the home too, as well as even if you don't"},{"startTime":307.273,"endTime":310.253,"body":"have kids. For instance, research shows"},{"startTime":310.474,"endTime":313.61600000000004,"body":"that at work, women tend to take on more"},{"startTime":313.776,"endTime":316.57800000000003,"body":"tasks than men. They're often assigned"},{"startTime":316.959,"endTime":320.281,"body":"especially more non-promotable tasks than"},{"startTime":320.341,"endTime":324.40500000000003,"body":"men. And so there is just this underlying"},{"startTime":324.485,"endTime":328.62800000000004,"body":"phenomenon of women doing so much. I, of"},{"startTime":328.708,"endTime":330.48900000000003,"body":"course, want to clarify that the point of"},{"startTime":330.54900000000004,"endTime":333.252,"body":"this episode is not to complain or to say"},{"startTime":333.29200000000003,"endTime":335.63300000000004,"body":"that men aren't doing enough. We'll get"},{"startTime":335.673,"endTime":337.555,"body":"into some of those things in other"},{"startTime":337.63500000000005,"endTime":340.877,"body":"episodes, not to complain, but to just"},{"startTime":341.057,"endTime":344.02000000000004,"body":"underscore why it can feel so stressful"},{"startTime":344.06,"endTime":347.72200000000004,"body":"for moms. Today is really about the toll"},{"startTime":348.20300000000003,"endTime":351.90500000000003,"body":"that constantly sacrificing yourself takes"},{"startTime":352.02500000000003,"endTime":354.487,"body":"on you. Let me give you some examples of"},{"startTime":354.58700000000005,"endTime":357.769,"body":"how martyr mentality showed up for me"},{"startTime":358.189,"endTime":360.75,"body":"without me even really realizing it. So"},{"startTime":360.79,"endTime":362.831,"body":"these may or may not resonate with you."},{"startTime":363.072,"endTime":364.95300000000003,"body":"There are plenty of other ways that martyr"},{"startTime":364.993,"endTime":367.334,"body":"mentality can show up, but here's what it"},{"startTime":367.35400000000004,"endTime":369.975,"body":"looked like for me. It obviously started"},{"startTime":370.17600000000004,"endTime":372.33700000000005,"body":"with the basic pregnancy, birth, and"},{"startTime":372.41700000000003,"endTime":375.298,"body":"breastfeeding process because moms have to"},{"startTime":375.338,"endTime":378.54,"body":"do so much to bring their children into"},{"startTime":378.58000000000004,"endTime":381.34200000000004,"body":"the world. It's supposed to be so"},{"startTime":381.382,"endTime":384.803,"body":"beautiful and it truly is a gift. But it"},{"startTime":385.064,"endTime":388.745,"body":"also inevitably changes your body and adds"},{"startTime":388.90500000000003,"endTime":391.64700000000005,"body":"a lot of pressure because of the very fact"},{"startTime":391.707,"endTime":394.148,"body":"that you are now responsible for this"},{"startTime":394.24800000000005,"endTime":397.49,"body":"sweet new little life. So then I found"},{"startTime":397.57,"endTime":400.81100000000004,"body":"myself always sacrificing my sleep to get"},{"startTime":400.93100000000004,"endTime":403.47200000000004,"body":"up with the baby, whether that was not"},{"startTime":403.512,"endTime":406.254,"body":"wanting to inconvenience my husband since"},{"startTime":406.35400000000004,"endTime":408.615,"body":"he had to get up and go to work, even"},{"startTime":462.64500000000004,"endTime":466.187,"body":"though I also did. I was so afraid to ask"},{"startTime":466.247,"endTime":468.30800000000005,"body":"my husband to help around the house"},{"startTime":468.708,"endTime":470.869,"body":"because before we had kids, there was sort"},{"startTime":470.90900000000005,"endTime":473.39000000000004,"body":"of this unspoken division of labor where"},{"startTime":473.45000000000005,"endTime":475.891,"body":"he did all the outside stuff and I did the"},{"startTime":475.971,"endTime":479.312,"body":"inside stuff. I used to get up at 5.30 in"},{"startTime":479.35200000000003,"endTime":481.75300000000004,"body":"the morning to make him breakfast and help"},{"startTime":481.81300000000005,"endTime":484.59400000000005,"body":"warm up his car in the winter and kiss him"},{"startTime":484.634,"endTime":486.754,"body":"goodbye as he was leaving out the door."},{"startTime":486.77400000000006,"endTime":489.495,"body":"And then after having kids, I didn't want"},{"startTime":489.535,"endTime":492.87600000000003,"body":"to burden him. It took us a lot of years"},{"startTime":492.99600000000004,"endTime":495.776,"body":"to be able to talk about these things and"},{"startTime":495.85600000000005,"endTime":499.098,"body":"work through a new arrangement of how we"},{"startTime":499.13800000000003,"endTime":501.461,"body":"were going to work together. And I can now"},{"startTime":501.521,"endTime":504.064,"body":"truly say that my husband does so much."},{"startTime":504.16400000000004,"endTime":506.26700000000005,"body":"He's really, really amazing. But our road"},{"startTime":506.32700000000006,"endTime":509.511,"body":"to get to this point and my ability to"},{"startTime":509.612,"endTime":512.936,"body":"even recognize that I needed and wanted"},{"startTime":512.996,"endTime":516.908,"body":"his help was a long time coming. So that's"},{"startTime":517.008,"endTime":520.091,"body":"on me, not on him. I pretty instantly gave"},{"startTime":520.171,"endTime":523.934,"body":"up my own hobbies because I had only time,"},{"startTime":524.094,"endTime":526.216,"body":"and not even enough of it, to do what I"},{"startTime":526.256,"endTime":528.578,"body":"needed to do for my demanding job, and"},{"startTime":528.618,"endTime":530.94,"body":"then felt like I needed to be with my kids"},{"startTime":531.24,"endTime":534.203,"body":"all the rest of the time. One example of"},{"startTime":534.263,"endTime":536.864,"body":"this is that my husband has always been so"},{"startTime":536.944,"endTime":539.885,"body":"great at prioritizing his health, where he"},{"startTime":539.925,"endTime":542.747,"body":"would go to the gym immediately before or"},{"startTime":542.987,"endTime":547.689,"body":"after work, and I never felt like I"},{"startTime":547.87,"endTime":550.931,"body":"could ask to do that, let alone just get"},{"startTime":551.071,"endTime":554.112,"body":"up and go do that. which really then"},{"startTime":554.212,"endTime":556.593,"body":"brewed into a bunch of resentment for me"},{"startTime":557.033,"endTime":559.094,"body":"because it felt like the only time I got"},{"startTime":559.134,"endTime":562.375,"body":"to myself was the occasional solo trip to"},{"startTime":562.395,"endTime":565.235,"body":"the grocery store or a car ride where the"},{"startTime":565.275,"endTime":567.936,"body":"babies had fallen asleep and I suddenly"},{"startTime":567.976,"endTime":569.937,"body":"had a few minutes of complete peace and"},{"startTime":569.977,"endTime":573.418,"body":"quiet. Even to this day, I am still always"},{"startTime":573.478,"endTime":576.06,"body":"the first one up and the last one to bed."},{"startTime":576.48,"endTime":579.122,"body":"I find myself always making and serving"},{"startTime":579.422,"endTime":583.004,"body":"everyone else's food before I ever even"},{"startTime":583.064,"endTime":586.026,"body":"sit down to eat. Not to mention the number"},{"startTime":586.066,"endTime":588.3870000000001,"body":"of interruptions during a meal where I"},{"startTime":588.487,"endTime":591.529,"body":"constantly get up to get what a kid needs"},{"startTime":591.589,"endTime":594.35,"body":"or clean up after a mess. or take someone"},{"startTime":594.39,"endTime":596.431,"body":"to the bathroom. I don't even want to"},{"startTime":596.511,"endTime":598.732,"body":"count the number of times I have showed up"},{"startTime":598.972,"endTime":601.333,"body":"somewhere, whether it was school drop-off"},{"startTime":601.473,"endTime":603.914,"body":"or even church, looking like a hobo"},{"startTime":604.054,"endTime":606.215,"body":"because I ran out of time to get myself"},{"startTime":606.295,"endTime":609.496,"body":"ready after making sure my kids were"},{"startTime":609.556,"endTime":611.436,"body":"nicely dressed and had all the things they"},{"startTime":611.476,"endTime":613.577,"body":"needed. But some other common ways that"},{"startTime":613.657,"endTime":615.678,"body":"you might experience martyr mentality"},{"startTime":616.158,"endTime":619.002,"body":"could be dropping everything to take your"},{"startTime":619.062,"endTime":621.366,"body":"kids somewhere they want to go, even if"},{"startTime":621.446,"endTime":624.63,"body":"you had other plans, or feeling pressure"},{"startTime":624.77,"endTime":627.454,"body":"to work more than you want to just to"},{"startTime":627.494,"endTime":630.358,"body":"cover the financial expenses of your kids'"},{"startTime":630.438,"endTime":633.3009999999999,"body":"activities. It could be sitting down to"},{"startTime":633.361,"endTime":636.183,"body":"watch a family movie, but then noticing"},{"startTime":636.2429999999999,"endTime":638.8249999999999,"body":"that there are dishes on the counter and"},{"startTime":638.925,"endTime":640.986,"body":"something dirty on the floor. And so"},{"startTime":641.086,"endTime":643.268,"body":"instead of being able to sit and enjoy the"},{"startTime":643.308,"endTime":645.4889999999999,"body":"time with the family, you know that"},{"startTime":645.6089999999999,"endTime":647.231,"body":"someone is going to need to clean up the"},{"startTime":647.271,"endTime":649.752,"body":"mess and you get up to do it. At this"},{"startTime":649.812,"endTime":651.414,"body":"point, you might be rolling your eyes,"},{"startTime":651.514,"endTime":654.637,"body":"wondering if these are really examples of"},{"startTime":654.6569999999999,"endTime":657.42,"body":"a martyr mentality at all, because aren't"},{"startTime":657.4599999999999,"endTime":660.063,"body":"they just things that go along with"},{"startTime":660.143,"endTime":662.405,"body":"motherhood? Aren't they just part of a"},{"startTime":662.726,"endTime":666.529,"body":"mom's normal responsibilities? That may be"},{"startTime":666.5889999999999,"endTime":669.232,"body":"very up for debate. I am in no way saying"},{"startTime":669.2719999999999,"endTime":671.7339999999999,"body":"that moms shouldn't give of themselves"},{"startTime":671.8539999999999,"endTime":674.596,"body":"tremendously to love and serve their"},{"startTime":674.636,"endTime":677.338,"body":"families. That is part of the calling and"},{"startTime":677.379,"endTime":680.5409999999999,"body":"the gift of motherhood. It is so hard, but"},{"startTime":680.601,"endTime":683.3629999999999,"body":"it's so worth it. So why is this a"},{"startTime":683.403,"endTime":685.7049999999999,"body":"problem? In case it's not obvious, it"},{"startTime":685.8249999999999,"endTime":689.467,"body":"really, really is. It's less a matter of"},{"startTime":689.827,"endTime":693.1279999999999,"body":"what you may be doing and more a matter of"},{"startTime":693.268,"endTime":696.889,"body":"how often and to what extreme you do it."},{"startTime":697.369,"endTime":701.11,"body":"It can manifest in low self-esteem, lack"},{"startTime":701.15,"endTime":703.411,"body":"of boundaries, you start to harbor"},{"startTime":703.491,"endTime":706.151,"body":"bitterness and resentment, which can then"},{"startTime":706.3109999999999,"endTime":708.952,"body":"fester and sabotage your relationships."},{"startTime":709.612,"endTime":712.3349999999999,"body":"Holding all that anger and frustration in"},{"startTime":712.7149999999999,"endTime":715.317,"body":"can lead to chronic health problems and"},{"startTime":715.5169999999999,"endTime":718.06,"body":"even autoimmune conditions in women, and"},{"startTime":718.0799999999999,"endTime":720.062,"body":"we're seeing a growing epidemic of this."},{"startTime":720.882,"endTime":723.385,"body":"You might develop codependency, where"},{"startTime":723.4449999999999,"endTime":725.887,"body":"you're outsourcing your happiness and"},{"startTime":725.967,"endTime":729.009,"body":"self-worth to others. craving their"},{"startTime":729.069,"endTime":732.011,"body":"recognition and feeling like a failure if"},{"startTime":732.0509999999999,"endTime":734.332,"body":"you don't get that external validation."},{"startTime":734.352,"endTime":736.6329999999999,"body":"And then you just work harder and harder"},{"startTime":736.793,"endTime":739.574,"body":"and sacrifice yourself more and more on"},{"startTime":739.634,"endTime":742.336,"body":"that hamster wheel, which is exhausting."},{"startTime":742.836,"endTime":745.857,"body":"So you lose your own identity. And you"},{"startTime":746.077,"endTime":748.4979999999999,"body":"always feel like you can't take any time"},{"startTime":748.538,"endTime":751.0799999999999,"body":"for yourself. You can't ask for help or"},{"startTime":751.14,"endTime":754.5609999999999,"body":"put your needs ahead of anyone else's. But"},{"startTime":754.802,"endTime":756.884,"body":"truly, there has to be a happy medium,"},{"startTime":757.024,"endTime":759.6279999999999,"body":"because as I just covered in episode 5,"},{"startTime":760.1279999999999,"endTime":762.7719999999999,"body":"there are all kinds of scary statistics"},{"startTime":762.992,"endTime":765.295,"body":"about what happens when moms aren't making"},{"startTime":765.355,"endTime":767.9979999999999,"body":"time for self-care, let alone the other"},{"startTime":768.058,"endTime":769.9599999999999,"body":"things that make them happy. And then"},{"startTime":770.02,"endTime":772.241,"body":"parenting values and styles clearly"},{"startTime":772.3009999999999,"endTime":774.7819999999999,"body":"differ, but a lot of child development"},{"startTime":774.922,"endTime":777.943,"body":"experts and psychologists argue that"},{"startTime":778.203,"endTime":780.7429999999999,"body":"martyr mentality is really bad for the"},{"startTime":780.804,"endTime":783.384,"body":"kids, not only because of the toll it"},{"startTime":783.444,"endTime":785.785,"body":"takes on the mom's physical and mental"},{"startTime":785.8249999999999,"endTime":789.1659999999999,"body":"health, but because if you, the mom, are"},{"startTime":789.206,"endTime":791.887,"body":"doing everything for your kids, then they"},{"startTime":792.0269999999999,"endTime":794.0079999999999,"body":"are not learning how to do a lot for"},{"startTime":794.068,"endTime":796.3679999999999,"body":"themselves. which can lead the kids to"},{"startTime":796.408,"endTime":798.9689999999999,"body":"have unrealistic expectations about their"},{"startTime":799.049,"endTime":802.13,"body":"future life, and it sets an unhealthy"},{"startTime":802.1899999999999,"endTime":804.731,"body":"example that they could end up emulating"},{"startTime":805.151,"endTime":807.692,"body":"instead of properly caring for themselves"},{"startTime":808.092,"endTime":810.973,"body":"when they grow up. So where does smarter"},{"startTime":810.9929999999999,"endTime":813.994,"body":"mentality come from? There are so many"},{"startTime":814.034,"endTime":817.736,"body":"layers here, but it's often from what was"},{"startTime":817.8159999999999,"endTime":821.437,"body":"modeled to us. Maybe you had a mother that"},{"startTime":821.7769999999999,"endTime":825.257,"body":"was always busy and always cleaning up and"},{"startTime":825.358,"endTime":827.838,"body":"kept an immaculate house. Maybe you had a"},{"startTime":828.158,"endTime":831.0989999999999,"body":"grandmother or teachers, coaches, other"},{"startTime":831.139,"endTime":834.42,"body":"women you admire that seemed to just"},{"startTime":834.56,"endTime":837.961,"body":"naturally be able to do it all. And so the"},{"startTime":838.021,"endTime":840.761,"body":"culture has embedded within you this"},{"startTime":840.9209999999999,"endTime":844.122,"body":"pressure to be supermom. In terms of"},{"startTime":844.202,"endTime":847.544,"body":"genetics and biology, we know that women"},{"startTime":847.7239999999999,"endTime":851.106,"body":"on average tend to be so much more caring,"},{"startTime":851.326,"endTime":854.7869999999999,"body":"more emotionally aware, more sensitive."},{"startTime":855.228,"endTime":858.1089999999999,"body":"They tend to be natural people pleasers"},{"startTime":858.549,"endTime":861.01,"body":"and have very agreeable personalities."},{"startTime":861.491,"endTime":864.512,"body":"They often have trouble saying no. And"},{"startTime":864.572,"endTime":867.994,"body":"their brains are more able to multitask."},{"startTime":868.764,"endTime":870.9649999999999,"body":"That doesn't mean you should, but we would"},{"startTime":871.0849999999999,"endTime":873.4069999999999,"body":"all probably agree that women can juggle a"},{"startTime":873.6669999999999,"endTime":876.3879999999999,"body":"lot at once. There's also really"},{"startTime":876.468,"endTime":879.0699999999999,"body":"fascinating cutting-edge research showing"},{"startTime":879.11,"endTime":883.112,"body":"that women are more motivated by oxytocin"},{"startTime":883.432,"endTime":885.574,"body":"than dopamine. So we're going to get a lot"},{"startTime":885.6139999999999,"endTime":888.055,"body":"more into hormones in future episodes, but"},{"startTime":888.155,"endTime":890.757,"body":"dopamine is what's typically referred to"},{"startTime":890.937,"endTime":893.898,"body":"as the pleasure or reward hormone. You get"},{"startTime":893.918,"endTime":896.76,"body":"a little dopamine hit for a job well done."},{"startTime":897.1999999999999,"endTime":898.961,"body":"But again, this new research is showing"},{"startTime":899.021,"endTime":902.523,"body":"that women are more motivated by oxytocin,"},{"startTime":902.683,"endTime":905.5649999999999,"body":"which is the love hormone, that feeling of"},{"startTime":905.685,"endTime":907.906,"body":"connection that you have, the bond you"},{"startTime":907.946,"endTime":910.648,"body":"feel to someone. So women might naturally"},{"startTime":910.728,"endTime":914.552,"body":"have a more natural underlying fear about"},{"startTime":914.692,"endTime":917.0939999999999,"body":"what could happen if they don't please"},{"startTime":917.2339999999999,"endTime":920.097,"body":"others and what that might mean for their"},{"startTime":920.177,"endTime":923.04,"body":"connection and sense of safety. There's"},{"startTime":923.3,"endTime":926.283,"body":"also incredible research underscoring that"},{"startTime":926.583,"endTime":930.486,"body":"moms and babies' DNA crosses over and"},{"startTime":930.586,"endTime":933.549,"body":"stays with them long after the pregnancy"},{"startTime":933.629,"endTime":936.331,"body":"and birth process. So this means that"},{"startTime":936.511,"endTime":940.2139999999999,"body":"mothers can literally feel their kids'"},{"startTime":940.434,"endTime":943.9169999999999,"body":"pain and emotion in their own bodies. If"},{"startTime":943.957,"endTime":945.698,"body":"this has ever happened to you, for"},{"startTime":945.779,"endTime":948.901,"body":"instance, if your kid is ever really hurt"},{"startTime":949.001,"endTime":951.783,"body":"and sad about something, you might feel"},{"startTime":952.124,"endTime":955.746,"body":"their emotions in your brain. you might"},{"startTime":955.826,"endTime":959.5269999999999,"body":"feel so personally affected as well. Or if"},{"startTime":959.567,"endTime":961.848,"body":"your kid falls off their bike and scrapes"},{"startTime":961.908,"endTime":964.789,"body":"their knee and is crying, you can feel a"},{"startTime":964.8489999999999,"endTime":968.1899999999999,"body":"little twinge of pain in your own body. So"},{"startTime":968.23,"endTime":970.5899999999999,"body":"you automatically just jump to their"},{"startTime":970.63,"endTime":973.491,"body":"rescue when you see they need help. This"},{"startTime":973.591,"endTime":976.952,"body":"is so beautiful at its most basic level,"},{"startTime":977.512,"endTime":979.853,"body":"but you can see how it might lend itself"},{"startTime":979.953,"endTime":983.034,"body":"to developing a martyr mentality. The next"},{"startTime":983.134,"endTime":985.855,"body":"source of martyr mentality might hit a"},{"startTime":985.915,"endTime":989.7959999999999,"body":"little deep, but it can be something that"},{"startTime":989.996,"endTime":992.797,"body":"comes from the messages you have received"},{"startTime":992.997,"endTime":996.0169999999999,"body":"in your faith life. For instance, you have"},{"startTime":996.077,"endTime":999.078,"body":"probably heard that the definition of love"},{"startTime":999.318,"endTime":1002.519,"body":"is sacrifice, right? To lay down one's"},{"startTime":1002.5989999999999,"endTime":1005.42,"body":"life for a friend. You've probably heard"},{"startTime":1005.5799999999999,"endTime":1008.52,"body":"the acronym JOY, which stands for Jesus"},{"startTime":1008.781,"endTime":1011.141,"body":"Others Yourself, in which you are"},{"startTime":1011.361,"endTime":1013.942,"body":"literally encouraged to put yourself last."},{"startTime":1014.7819999999999,"endTime":1016.8629999999999,"body":"We have incredible examples like Mother"},{"startTime":1016.923,"endTime":1019.564,"body":"Teresa, who said that the best thing you"},{"startTime":1019.6039999999999,"endTime":1023.185,"body":"can do is to love your family and to love"},{"startTime":1023.365,"endTime":1026.3059999999998,"body":"until it hurts. And there are so many"},{"startTime":1026.446,"endTime":1029.7669999999998,"body":"saints who were martyrs, right? Who died"},{"startTime":1030.328,"endTime":1032.9089999999999,"body":"exemplifying that tremendous love and"},{"startTime":1032.9489999999998,"endTime":1036.03,"body":"self-sacrifice in such admirable ways."},{"startTime":1036.81,"endTime":1038.8129999999999,"body":"Now, I am an incredibly faith-filled"},{"startTime":1038.8539999999998,"endTime":1041.538,"body":"person, so I am in no way saying that you"},{"startTime":1041.638,"endTime":1044.5829999999999,"body":"should not believe these things. I am just"},{"startTime":1044.643,"endTime":1046.947,"body":"trying to raise awareness of how some of"},{"startTime":1047.0269999999998,"endTime":1050.7549999999999,"body":"these messages might play into the"},{"startTime":1050.8349999999998,"endTime":1053.819,"body":"tendency of neglecting yourself and"},{"startTime":1053.859,"endTime":1056.8419999999999,"body":"ignoring your own needs to the point that"},{"startTime":1056.9019999999998,"endTime":1060.407,"body":"it actually backfires and causes harm to"},{"startTime":1060.4669999999999,"endTime":1062.7099999999998,"body":"the people you love and are trying to"},{"startTime":1062.77,"endTime":1066.1139999999998,"body":"sacrifice for. And then finally, at its"},{"startTime":1066.194,"endTime":1069.5369999999998,"body":"deepest level, Martyr mentality is often"},{"startTime":1069.597,"endTime":1073.4789999999998,"body":"rooted in early life experiences that led"},{"startTime":1073.519,"endTime":1077.4599999999998,"body":"you to need external validation or to have"},{"startTime":1077.5,"endTime":1080.742,"body":"a fear of abandonment, where you developed"},{"startTime":1080.8220000000001,"endTime":1083.643,"body":"a people-pleasing tendency in hopes of"},{"startTime":1083.703,"endTime":1087.325,"body":"getting attention or avoiding physical or"},{"startTime":1087.385,"endTime":1089.4460000000001,"body":"emotional outbursts from an upset"},{"startTime":1089.526,"endTime":1091.807,"body":"caregiver. Basically, you might have just"},{"startTime":1091.847,"endTime":1094.688,"body":"been trying to keep your parents happy by"},{"startTime":1094.928,"endTime":1097.59,"body":"sacrificing yourself until they were."},{"startTime":1098.43,"endTime":1100.511,"body":"Maybe as a child, you were made to feel"},{"startTime":1100.5910000000001,"endTime":1103.172,"body":"like your emotions and suffering don't"},{"startTime":1103.352,"endTime":1107.134,"body":"matter. But sweet mama, they do. And not"},{"startTime":1107.174,"endTime":1109.976,"body":"just for you, but for your family, as we"},{"startTime":1110.016,"endTime":1111.917,"body":"just talked about in the last episode."},{"startTime":1112.617,"endTime":1115.078,"body":"Okay, so how do you fix smarter mentality?"},{"startTime":1115.138,"endTime":1117.159,"body":"We're certainly not saying that it's an"},{"startTime":1117.38,"endTime":1120.861,"body":"overnight solution. It's obviously not as"},{"startTime":1120.961,"endTime":1123.823,"body":"simple as just flipping a switch and no"},{"startTime":1123.903,"endTime":1126.9850000000001,"body":"longer having those tendencies. But the"},{"startTime":1127.025,"endTime":1130.426,"body":"first step is truly just a curiosity about"},{"startTime":1130.627,"endTime":1134.689,"body":"whether you could be sacrificing too much"},{"startTime":1134.769,"endTime":1137.57,"body":"of yourself to the point that it's going"},{"startTime":1137.61,"endTime":1141.232,"body":"to have a harmful long-term impact. And"},{"startTime":1141.252,"endTime":1143.993,"body":"then just having awareness along with"},{"startTime":1144.113,"endTime":1147.814,"body":"gentle compassion and self-love. That goes"},{"startTime":1147.934,"endTime":1150.235,"body":"so far because I'm more than willing to"},{"startTime":1150.295,"endTime":1152.935,"body":"bet that you have the best of intentions"},{"startTime":1153.116,"endTime":1155.796,"body":"and are coming from such a loving place"},{"startTime":1155.956,"endTime":1158.857,"body":"when you sacrifice yourself. There is"},{"startTime":1159.077,"endTime":1161.618,"body":"really truth to the saying, if mama ain't"},{"startTime":1161.658,"endTime":1165.058,"body":"happy, ain't nobody happy. But I know that"},{"startTime":1165.158,"endTime":1167.959,"body":"as a mom, you pride yourself on your"},{"startTime":1168.059,"endTime":1170.8799999999999,"body":"family's happiness and you look to their"},{"startTime":1170.92,"endTime":1173.8799999999999,"body":"happiness to fulfill your own. So it is"},{"startTime":1173.94,"endTime":1176.661,"body":"this cart before the horse problem where"},{"startTime":1176.821,"endTime":1180.041,"body":"you're trying to forgo your happiness in"},{"startTime":1180.061,"endTime":1182.362,"body":"the short term by making your family happy"},{"startTime":1182.442,"endTime":1185.122,"body":"now so that you can be happy long term,"},{"startTime":1185.6019999999999,"endTime":1187.883,"body":"except it doesn't always work that way."},{"startTime":1188.643,"endTime":1191.465,"body":"So, you want to slowly start to work on"},{"startTime":1191.545,"endTime":1195.006,"body":"inserting a pause between when someone"},{"startTime":1195.267,"endTime":1197.708,"body":"asks you to do something or you see"},{"startTime":1197.768,"endTime":1200.489,"body":"something that needs to be done and when"},{"startTime":1200.6689999999999,"endTime":1203.411,"body":"you actually act on it, and then it is"},{"startTime":1203.511,"endTime":1207.252,"body":"crucial to have a safe space where you can"},{"startTime":1207.432,"endTime":1209.533,"body":"talk about your frustrations and"},{"startTime":1209.693,"endTime":1212.114,"body":"acknowledge the places where you feel"},{"startTime":1212.654,"endTime":1215.455,"body":"unseen and unappreciated for how hard you"},{"startTime":1215.595,"endTime":1218.396,"body":"are working and all that you are doing, as"},{"startTime":1218.4759999999999,"endTime":1221.677,"body":"well as explore the reasons that lead you"},{"startTime":1221.757,"endTime":1224.398,"body":"to feel so compelled to sacrifice yourself"},{"startTime":1224.558,"endTime":1226.979,"body":"in the first place. Your homework for"},{"startTime":1227.059,"endTime":1230.32,"body":"today is to reflect on any ways you tend"},{"startTime":1230.3999999999999,"endTime":1233.481,"body":"to overly sacrifice yourself for your"},{"startTime":1233.521,"endTime":1236.404,"body":"kids. You are still the parent. They still"},{"startTime":1236.464,"endTime":1239.165,"body":"need you. But of course, you want to find"},{"startTime":1239.225,"endTime":1242.367,"body":"that happy medium. Are there any simple"},{"startTime":1242.427,"endTime":1245.569,"body":"things that you can stop doing or do less?"},{"startTime":1246.229,"endTime":1248.6299999999999,"body":"Maybe other people you can ask to share"},{"startTime":1248.69,"endTime":1253.032,"body":"the load with you? If not, why? Remember,"},{"startTime":1253.0919999999999,"endTime":1255.113,"body":"I am always here as a sounding board and"},{"startTime":1255.153,"endTime":1258.195,"body":"you are so, so invited to book a free call"},{"startTime":1258.235,"endTime":1260.376,"body":"with me to learn more about what it's like"},{"startTime":1260.416,"endTime":1262.777,"body":"to work together one-on-one because these"},{"startTime":1262.857,"endTime":1265.978,"body":"are exactly the kinds of big, deep,"},{"startTime":1266.399,"endTime":1269.72,"body":"underlying tendencies that I love. helping"},{"startTime":1269.8999999999999,"endTime":1272.481,"body":"women break free from. Now, before you"},{"startTime":1272.541,"endTime":1274.741,"body":"think you're the only one who struggles"},{"startTime":1274.881,"endTime":1276.642,"body":"with feeling like you can't put your own"},{"startTime":1276.662,"endTime":1279.242,"body":"needs first, you've got to hear the next"},{"startTime":1279.302,"endTime":1282.783,"body":"episode, where I'm sharing my own super"},{"startTime":1282.843,"endTime":1285.824,"body":"vulnerable story of how motherhood changed"},{"startTime":1286.104,"endTime":1289.344,"body":"everything for me, how quickly I lost"},{"startTime":1289.444,"endTime":1292.285,"body":"myself after having my first baby, how"},{"startTime":1292.625,"endTime":1295.768,"body":"dark a place I fell into, and the"},{"startTime":1295.848,"endTime":1298.6299999999999,"body":"surprisingly simple, free things that"},{"startTime":1298.71,"endTime":1302.392,"body":"helped pull me out. I always hope that no"},{"startTime":1302.572,"endTime":1305.014,"body":"other mama ever feels as hopeless as I"},{"startTime":1305.114,"endTime":1307.596,"body":"once did. But in the next episode, I am"},{"startTime":1307.656,"endTime":1309.377,"body":"pulling back the curtain on my own"},{"startTime":1309.4569999999999,"endTime":1312.959,"body":"experience so you can see how deviously"},{"startTime":1313.239,"endTime":1315.881,"body":"martyr mentality can take hold. Until"},{"startTime":1315.921,"endTime":1319.263,"body":"then, remember nothing you do changes how"},{"startTime":1319.364,"endTime":1322.126,"body":"wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great"},{"startTime":1322.166,"endTime":1322.326,"body":"day."}]}