The REAL Reason You're Not Productive (it's SO not what you think!)

The reasons you think you’re unproductive are wrong. There’s something way deeper going on that most moms have never considered.

As a busy mom, you’ve always got more to do than time to do it. And yet it’s incredibly hard to be productive when you’re naturally affected by everyone else’s emotional distress. I give a personal example of how discord at home could have spiraled into an unproductive day but what I did instead to break free of the mind drama and still get lots done. 

In this powerful episode, I break down how the problem isn’t that you’re not lazy or incompetent or missing the “right” productivity strategy; it’s that you just don’t yet know how to hold space for big emotions and still get work done—while untethering your self-worth from however things look and feel. 

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

•  Why the reasons society and standard productivity gurus tell you you’re not productive are WRONG
•  How emotionally distressing situations take your brain “offline” and thus inhibit your productivity
•  Why moms are particularly prone to getting triggered and stressed by OTHERS’ emotions
•  Why you’ll never NOT be emotional about something
•  The crucial skill you need to develop so you can handle your emotions in a healthy way and STILL be super productive

HOMEWORK:

Write down three personal situations that have stressed you out in the last week. What specific emotions did they make you feel? How did you handle those emotions? Do you feel like you resolved them in a healthy, productive way? If not, how do you want to “hold space” better in the future? DM me on Instagram or book a FREE consult if you want to to talk more about this.

COMING UP NEXT:

Don’t miss next episode where I’m diving into something that always makes moms SUPER emotional so you can brace for it ahead of time and not let it sabotage your productivity or connection with loved ones.

CONNECT WITH AMBER: Website | Instagram | YouTube | LinkedIn

Ready to finally get to the root of your problems and change your life FOR GOOD? Book your free 60-minute consult to learn more about working 1:1 with Dr. Amber.

Transcript

0:00

You think you're not productive because you didn't get enough sleep last night, you don't have huge chunks of dedicated work time, the kids keep interrupting you, you feel so scattered, you haven't found the right time management system, you're carrying such a huge mental load, and you're expected to do more than can humanly be done. But sweet friend, none of those are the real reason you're not productive. Those could be contributing factors, but there is something much deeper going on beneath the surface that you've probably never considered. I can't wait to delve into this episode and break it down for you. Welcome to More Time for Mom, where overwhelmed moms get science-backed strategies to overcome the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber Curtis. Ready to make more time for you? Let's dive in. Let me start out by telling you a true story so I can show you exactly what I mean about the real reason you're not productive. I had to leave for work this morning with one of my kids in absolute tears. It's a long story. We were all in the van driving together to our old house an hour away as my husband has been working really hard to get that house ready to rent. And the kids were on spring break. But I was going to pick up one of our old cars that we had been parking there. And then I was going to drive that into campus and get on with all the things I need to do to finish up my busy semester. We were about halfway down the interstate when my son blurted out, I forgot my shoes. And my poor husband just erupted, not in a horrible way, but very understandably frustrated because there was no way we could go back. And my husband had been counting on this son's help to move a bunch of big, heavy things outside and clean up the yard and do things that really require shoes to get done. More than that, my son had remembered his tablet and charger and some snacks and some other things that were absolutely not as important as shoes, that I think we can all agree are nowhere near as important as basic attire. The more my husband got frustrated, the more my son retorted back with all of these things that were just escalating a conflict and I could really see all sides of the situation. I know that my poor husband has been working so hard and is under so much stress. So ordinarily, something like this wouldn't tip him off nearly the way that it did. And again, he wasn't handling it in a bad way or an outrageous way or a bad parent way. It was just simply an expression of his frustration that my son was then taking personally and not wanting to take responsibility for having forgotten his shoes. And in my son's defense, he was angry that he'd been having to spend his spring break working instead of getting to play and go do fun things. As the only woman in a household of boys and men, I always feel like the odd one out. But I also have this ability. Especially because I am naturally a peacemaker and someone that wants to keep everybody else happy. I don't feel good or safe when others are upset. It's been something that I'm working on myself for many years. I'm also a natural fixer, a problem solver. I'm constantly trying to drill into my kids the refrain of no problems, only solutions. And so I was trying to very nonchalantly offer a bunch of suggestions like, okay, first option is you just go without shoes. And of course, this isn't the kind of work where it would be safe, let alone comfortable, to go barefoot, so that's probably not a good idea. Let's see, we could use some of these empty trash bags that we store in the back seat pocket to wrap your feet up and at least they won't get muddy, knowing that then the bags would surely rip and that wasn't actually going to be a good protective solution either. But I was trying to get my husband and my son to brainstorm some ideas. And then the light bulb occurred to me that we could just stop at a Dollar General on the side of the road and see what shoes they had available. Even though my husband didn't initially want to take the time to stop, we did and I went in and I found some shoes that would work. They were only $5 and then my husband was grateful. My son was still a little beside himself because he didn't love the color of the shoes and They weren't what he would have otherwise chosen. But I had hoped that by the time we got to our old house and I needed to drive away, things would have settled down. And unfortunately, they didn't. My husband and my son were still really frustrated with each other, and the whole situation just kept feeling so tense. I could see all sides of the situation. I love each of them so much. But I had to leave for work. I couldn't save them. They had to figure it out and repair whatever hurt happened. But oh, goodness, if my mama heart wasn't pondering their pain the whole 45-minute drive into campus. That's what we do, isn't it? We ponder. We see what they don't see. We feel what they feel. Like literally feel their emotions in our body. It's actually scientific fact that because mothers and babies' DNA cross over in the pregnancy process, Moms can feel what their children feel. And when they get upset, you feel it. We get triggered and stressed because they are. It took me years to realize that that's the reason you don't manage your time well. It's not that you're lazy or incompetent or missing the right productivity strategy or even just tired, which you, like me, undoubtedly are. It's really because your prefrontal cortex, your thinking brain, goes offline in moments of stress. And your limbic system, your subconscious emotional center, is on high alert. You can't focus and be productive because you are carrying the emotional weight of your whole family in your heart. You don't feel safe when others are upset. And that sense of threat will disrupt everything you try to do until you learn what's really going on and learn how to honor your body and re-regulate your nervous system. I think you recognize as well as I do that this situation is relatively small and minor in the grand scheme of the kinds of things that can flood you with emotion. I have definitely had all kinds of really traumatic things happen like losing loved ones or losing a pet or, you know, having all kinds of big drama in my personal life. So this particular situation is not as much of a distressing one as you could experience. And yet, even something simple like this still had my brain churning with all kinds of thoughts and worries and anxiety about what was going to happen and how things were going to be handled and was my son going to be okay and would my husband be okay. The point is that no matter the situation, no matter the emotion, the real reason you are not productive is because your emotional brains overcome your ability to cognitively focus and process information in a quick, efficient way. And so no matter how much time you even have to work, and as busy moms, we know that there's never as much time as you want or need, but it's all the more reason why you have got to learn to recognize what you are feeling, how those emotions are playing out in your body, and then restore your sense of calm and safety so that you can reaccess your prefrontal cortex and get work done. This is my mission in life, to help overwhelmed moms Learn what I have learned, and I'm so not perfect at it, but it is the skill of holding that space for everyone's emotions and still being productive while untethering your self-worth from however things look and feel. You know as well as I do that there is never not something weighing on your heart. Like when your baby hasn't reached that milestone they're supposed to have by now, and you worry something might be really wrong. Or when your little one sobs at daycare drop-off, and you feel like the worst mom ever for having to peel them off your leg and hand them to the teacher. When your daughter has a mysterious cough that hasn't gone away for months, no matter how much you've tried and how many doctor's visits you've taken them to. If one of your kids is having a fight with a friend, or worse, a sibling. When a teacher emails that your son got in trouble for acting out in class and you spiral into shame, worried that they think you must be a bad parent. When you can tell your kid is distraught about losing their recent sports game. When your preteen stops wanting you to tuck them in at night and you suddenly realize you're not their favorite person anymore. When your teenager erupts and screams that she hates you because all the other kids get to go somewhere and you won't let her go. Those are just a few examples of parenting stuff that pulls at your heartstrings, but there are so many other emotional moments that aren't about the kids. Like that fight you had with your husband, when in reality, you're both just so stressed and exhausted from other things, but you're taking it out on each other. The worry about how your upcoming work presentation is going to go, and how you'll possibly get it done by the deadline with all the family stuff scheduled right up to it. It's feeling like a horrible daughter because you've been so busy that you haven't reached out to your parents in weeks. Your mind jumping to the worst case scenario when your blood work comes back abnormal. Could be latent anxiety over the economy or politics. I don't know what it is for you, but I can tell you the impact is the same no matter what. Whenever you're consumed with emotion, especially a negative one, A huge percentage of your brain power is automatically devoted to solving that problem even when you are trying to work. You may not be consciously aware of it, but it is absolutely running in the background. There's no way you will do your best work under those circumstances. Yet, the kicker again is that because you are an emotional creature, there's almost never a time that you are not emotionally preoccupied with something. All the time management and productivity gurus have made you think the reason you're not productive is because you're lazy. You're trying to multitask. You haven't prioritized right. You don't have the right gadget. You haven't planned your week the right way. You're not using the latest, greatest strategy. But sweet friend, you are not a machine. The roots of the problem go way deeper, and awareness is the first step. I promise there is nothing wrong with you. It's not that you're unproductive. It's that you can't be productive when you are in an emotional state, which, especially as a woman, is the vast majority of the time. Society wants to tell you this is a bad thing, right? That you're too emotional and that you need to be more like men or, you know, again, put the emotion aside. But that is not the solution. Your emotion is your superpower. It is what enables you to connect with your loved ones and be the mother that you are. All that emotion doesn't have to be a problem. The crucial skill to develop is not ignoring or repressing your emotions. It's learning how your brain and body react to stress and perceived threat. And then restoring your sense of peace and safety in those emotional moments so you can acknowledge what you are feeling. And then set the mind drama aside to still do what you have to do. You are an emotional being and yet your brain has likely been trained to repress those emotions and not actually process them. Or you think you're processing them, but you're actually just numbing the discomfort with a coping mechanism that buffers away the psychological pain you really feel deep down. The problem is never what's going on. It's how you feel about what's going on and the way that those feelings are consuming you. They are taking all of your energy. They are draining your ability to focus. And then you fall into that vicious spiral of not getting to use the limited time you have effectively which makes you feel worse about yourself and keeps you in this perpetually unproductive place. If this resonates with you, please do me a favor and reach out on Instagram. You can DM me at Solutions for Simplicity, but let me know if this in any way produced a lightbulb moment for you so that you finally realize what is at the heart of the moments that you feel unproductive. And don't ever forget there's a link in the show notes to book a free consult with me so that we can talk more about this in person. This is what I do. I help you get to the root of what is wrong and then develop these skills so that you can handle life's most stressful and emotional moments from a place of peace and safety. To say these skills are life-changing is an understatement. They're really what allow you to live in the first place, instead of just staying constantly stuck in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. We'll talk a lot more about those four F stress responses in subsequent episodes, but your job needs you to learn this. so that you can get your work done in your work time, no matter what else is going on in your personal life. Your family needs you to learn this so you can show back up in a loving, present way after work. You need to learn this so you can hit your pillow at night in peace instead of spend the whole night agonizing about how long your to-do list still is, and how much you didn't get done, and whether the kids are going to be OK. These are precisely the things that we are going to keep unpacking in every episode of this podcast. And I will say it over and over. I am never claiming to have it all figured out. I have learned so much both the hard way and through years of academic research because of acquiring these skills. Here's what I was able to crank out today at work from a calm, regulated state, even though the issue at home still weighs heavily on my heart. I graded two group projects and 22 legal case briefs. I finalized and copied the final exam for one of my classes. I met with my PhD student to give him feedback on his doctoral dissertation prospectus. I made a quick Instagram Reel. I wrote an email to my email list. Then I held the monthly planning session for my private group membership. I attended a weekly training call for a certification program I'm in. And I had to go to a one and a half hour faculty meeting. Now, your self-worth is in no way tied to your productivity. But it's really pretty amazing how productive you can be when you know how to not let emotions, whether yours or other people's, steal your time and focus. That's what I truly love helping other overwhelmed moms learn to do. Your homework for today is to write down three personal situations that have stressed you out in the last week and identify the specific emotions that you were experiencing or that others were experiencing that made you feel distracted or distressed. How did you handle those emotions? Do you feel like you resolved them in a healthy, productive way? If not, how do you want to hold space better in the future? Don't miss next episode where I'm going to dive even deeper into something that always makes moms super emotional. Until then, remember nothing you do changes how wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great day. I know more than anyone how precious your time is, so the fact that you spent it listening to this podcast means the world. Make sure to subscribe, and if you got value out of this show, I would be so honored if you'd leave a review and share this episode with another busy mama who needs to hear it. We've got this.